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That's really smart. I can see how skilled the two of you are getting, in maximizing your time together. I know you just finished your master's degree program and the two of you are are working toward a shared life somehow. I feel kind of privileged to know you at this stage and someday maybe I can look back on it and say, I remember when they were in an LDR! |
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I feel pretty darn privileged to be in this loving relationship, as it continues to grow by leaps and bounds, despite life's many obstacles. |
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I will be returning to Atlanta to take care of things. But once that is done ill be back to Boston with my girl and her family. I will miss them but knowing ill return permanatly is comforting.
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If I were to ever chose to relocate in order to be with someone, the perfect scenario (in my fantasy world) would be that we both do so together. That way we would both be in the same boat and navigating a new life together. |
oops...I meant to type "choose"...sleepy me :)
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Thank you for saying this. It is incredibly difficult to establish new community, especially as we grow older. The bars hold no appeal for me and I've also found that as I age, my willingness to put forth the efforts and emotional risks of finding and allowing people into my life is just not that profound. There are times, in this amazing city, I feel absolutely alone. While all of choo's friends have been incredibly open and embraced me (with one exception), I've not found my "own" friends. Given my position of authority at work, I keep boundaries in place so I don't have the option of forming those close friendships. I'm not sure of the answers... I've thought to expand out into a couple of crafty classes or something, but home always seems to call my name and I become quite content tending to my virtual chickens on facebook! I'm glad that you brought this point to light because its not something we speak of, and it can be a really big speedbump. I don't regret my move. Anything but. I wake every morning (cold feet and all), knowing how blessed I am to have such a love. However, I do wish that this piece of it would fall into place, sooner rather than later! |
My Gf and I have been doing the LDR thing now for 14 months, and tho it has had it's tough times with not seeing eachother, I am so happy that in a little over a week we will be reunited.
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In a LD relationship...just found this thread
I just found this thread. I'm glad to find it as I see many unique issues in the LD relationship situation/dynamic that you don't experience in r/l relationships. I don't state this as saying my LD relationship is not also r/l, it is. I visit as often as possible with her, about 3-4X a year, which, of course, is never enough.
I will be reading through the posts made on the thread this week, but in the meantime, I wanted to make a post. We have been LD for *sigh* 3.5 years now. These seems painfully long, and it has been at times, but it has also been necessary due to my situation (caring for an aging parent). This is the single most impacting cause for me to fear relocating. I feel guilt and frustration at the same time with the idea of leaving my mother here alone to care for herself. I can move to a state I don't know well where I know few people - I've done that before, no problem. But, it's not going to be easy, that's for sure, this time as I am not 20-something anymore. The hardest part for me is keeping a sense of deep connection with the lack of physical contact on a daily basis. It's amazing how that centers me, reinforces my love for her, and strengthens our bond. Just the hand-holding, presence is enough sometimes. I am lucky in that I work from home, so I am afforded the ability to visit her for long periods and be available for daily contact quite frequently; this helps a lot, I think. I can't imagine what we would do if I worked a 'real' job and could only speak for a small amount of time each day. We have already worked through the 'Is she real or is this an online persona' thing as well as determined our level of trust in one another, so we don't have the deceit issues (Thank God). Is anyone currently in a LD relationship? If so, what do you find is the hardest part? |
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I can completely relate to the first statement, and I would concur that the hardest part is not being able to be touched for such long periods of time. In a situation where I am upset, for example, it would be easy to reassure me with a simple touch - a hand on the knee or an arm around the shoulder. It's much harder when all you have is a phone line. It is hard to feel connected sometimes, and it's so much easier to misunderstand each other. There is also more pressure to have good times when you are together. I got sick the last time I flew down, and I felt so guilty because I felt like it was impeding on Our Time, and we get so little time together (though, thankfully, I can take my work with me so I did get to stay for a while). I would say, for me, the biggest challenge is overcoming uncertainty. I suppose once you've had years together, that goes away, but in those times when you're just not connecting, it's so easy to be insecure, to wonder if the other person is pulling away or losing interest. International relationships carry their own unique burdens (how I would love to just throw a random card or present in the mail sometimes!), and it's harder to do the little gestures that make someone feel special. But on the flip side, I suppose the fact that someone is willing to fly 5000 miles just to see you should make you feel pretty good about yourself :) Is it worth it? I suppose that depends on the person. But for me, finding someone who intrigues me, challenges me, and excites me, who can also be tender - well, that's worth crossing the globe for. |
I do need physical contact and knowing that about myself makes it hard to consider doing a long distance relationship. Plus I am going to be taking on a traveling business project so I will likely be moving around every few weeks for as long as I feel the need.
However, if I found somebody who understood and was willing to give it a try, I might attempt it. I still would like visits at least every few months but that is something I could arrange on my end, especially if they had other things to take care of. I can adjust to any environment but I like alone time and intimacy, even if that is not sexual. I love being around people and I socialize as much as possible so I suppose it comes down to the right connection. |
On the subject of relocation (and I will preface this by saying this is Just My Two Cents), I personally would not move in with someone while relocating to a new city. There are a few reasons for this.
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Thanks for your reply! The being easily misunderstood part is a huge issue for us at times. When you don't have the eye contact and body language to complete verbal communication, it's really hard to read your partner wrong, and for that to just spiral. We have to do 'reality checks' a lot and that becomes tedious at times. If both people are not true verbal communicators, that only exacerbates the muddy waters. You know, I am guilty of the unrealistic and selfish expectation of having a fantastic visit each and every time. I am learning to mature in this area and realize it's also about life as it happens and about settling into a routine and lifestyle with someone. When you see one another every day, you don't consciously think about these things, they just automatically get addressed and you move on to the next thing. This is an excellent point you brought up. Thank you! The uncertainty is HUGE with me sometimes and often, I can't even pinpoint why I feel that way, but I think it has to do with the lack of daily reinforcement. When she is quiet (she's not a strong verbal communicator like I am) I doubt her love and that insults her and discourages her. It becomes a vicious cycle. More later...I have to get offline for a few... |
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I agree with the communication. I am pretty good at sensing things through text or over the phone etc but one of my crushes can't really communicate verbally and has a hard time with eye contact. This has led me to adjust my processing a bit but I think if something were to ever come of it, it might work if we took things slow and worked through it. I process things through my senses which is hard for a lot of people to understand anyway. I can be "overly passionate' at times but I think that is the romantic in me. |
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You've given me a lot to think on, particularly regarding making visits "fantastic". You've hit on something there for me. I have unrealistic expectations for myself at times, and so I tend to feel that I have failed or ruined something when things aren't fantastic. That's probably not something I should keep putting myself, or my love, through. It is good to hear from someone making things work. I wish for you that your situation allowed you to take the next step in your relationship. |
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I congratulate and respect those of you that can do LDR. Myself I wont do it. I want to wake up next to her,be able to pull her hair,spank her, etc. My hat is off to all of you. Good luck on your journey!
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I want to say im sorry didnt mean to offend you or anyone. I have had LDR and just not what I want to do. I just want the option to get in my jeep or jump on a horse and go see her. Enjoy have a great week folks.
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I think it is worth it for the right person. But, it's not easy, that's for sure. You have to put forth effort to make the connection stay and the trust to blossom. You've mentioned several things that made me think. Thank you for that insight! |
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It is funny that you mention that relocating, but maintaining separate space at first is a good idea. We will be doing this due to several factors, but I think it is the healthiest choice for anyone to transition to a new location. I think people, and especially lesbians (not sure why this is - you know, the old U-Haul joke), move in too fast. And that is fine for some, but it's definitely not me and I'm okay with taking things slow, not too slow, but slow enough that it's done right and well. Any relationship I moved fast in also fizzled fast. So, I've learned my lesson there. I really appreciate your depth and insight on this thread. You have brought several things to my attention that I need to think about. |
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I am the same way - I process through my senses more than anything else. I think it's a gift and a curse, but I have a strong instinct that is highly accurate and I keep learning over and over to trust it and not second guess it no matter what. Good luck to you if you do the LD thing. It's really not that hard, you just have to be somewhat independent to do it in a healthy way, that's all. |
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I speak as someone who did the whole LDR-thing internationally for some years and, whilst the relationship ended, it wasn't due to distance issues. Note that, at the peak, we made 9 transatlantic trips in a single year (I traveled to California 6 times and she visited the UK on 3 occasions). I live in London so can be in large US metropolitan hubs on the east coast in 7 hours and the west coast in 11 hours. Also, if you manage the time difference effectively, you maximise the time too. For example, my ex-partner lives in San Diego and I live in London. San Diego is, geographically, just about the furthest part of mainland USA to London. However, given the 8 hour time difference, whenever I traveled to San Diego, I was able to spend half a day in the office, catch a flight to San Diego at 3pm and arrive into San Diego shortly after 6pm. On the way back, I'd fly at 8pm, sleeping on the plane, arriving into London early the following afternoon having slept on the plane. So the traveling didn't eat into time too much. In fact, the traveling appears to be quicker and less tiring than some of the long (by European standards) car journeys that many people in the US regularly take. Take the Reunion for example. Little Rock is more difficult for me to get to than larger US cities as there are, understandably, no direct flights from London but I am still able to get there inside ten hours or so ...... a shorter time than many who made the trip from much closer parts of the US by road. Also, the time for travel and cost of international airfares is often not much more than cross-country time and fares. For example, I am meeting my friend from San Diego in NYC in May. We decided to meet in NYC because it's almost a halfway point between San Diego and London. I think her flight to NYC takes six hours and my flight takes 7 hours. Also her return flight was around $600, not much less than my own fare. Of course, there are some added complications in an international LDR which arrive if and when both parties want to take the relationship to the "next" level i.e. transforming the relationship from long distance to a physically closer one, whether living together or not. However, usually, these challenges can be overcome and if you've got to that stage (that's a big if !), then it's hopefully something worth persevering for. From my perspective, I cannot give advice on LDRs and any advice I would give would, based on my relationship failures, probably not be worth following anyway. All I'd say is keep it grounded and real - as I think some people who can be attracted to LDRs can be blinded by fantasy and overlook reality. But I'd say the same for relationships closer to home too. |
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You are lucky there, living in a hub - Bogota is not that far, but it takes me 12+ hours to travel between, most of which is layover. If I lived in Atlanta, however, it would only be a 5 hour flight. |
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I think it is very normal for two women to want to move a little faster in relationships. Biologically speaking, the levels of oxytocin between two females is a pretty intense bonding agent, but I have learned the hard way - in the words of Skunk Anansie - "just because it feels good doesn't make it right". :) This thread gives me lots to think about, too. I am very thankful for the insight I continue to gain from everyone's experiences! |
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this is so true. i fly from Canada to New Orleans, for this i have to take a one hour flight to Toronto, fly to another location usually Houston, then to New Orleans. We are talking about a 15 hour travel day. Flights leave from right here in town to Cuba and land in 3 hours. And for about half the price. My flights are 1200.00 to New Orleans. i could fly to Thailand for less than $500 |
I'm going for a visit next week to visit my LDR other and these are my meandering thoughts:
*I love the racing heart of excited anticipation as I am carried down the escalator in the LAX airport to my g/f standing at the bottom waiting for me. I always stop at the top of the escalator and hold the moment, to savor it, before I get on and go down to greet her. *After 3.5 years of LD, I am finally feeling melded with her and the life we will have once I move. For a long time, it was more of a fantasy, not grounded and not fully comprehensible. At this point, it *almost* feels like going home. *I can already tell, this will be a hard visit to end. They are always hard to end, to board that plane and leave her behind. But, this one will be especially hard. *Why did I purchase black luggage? Everyone else also purchased black luggage. Another search mission ensues trying to decipher my bag from the other 150 black bags. *I hope my cat is okay while I am gone. He is getting older now and I worry about him. :cat: *Hoping to get the hilarious steward on my flight out on Southwest. He's such a cutie bug and so funny. :flying: |
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As for the actual relationship, time is your enemy. Either you're months/weeks/days away from the visit and it's dragging so slooooooowly or you're together and you blink and it's over because time finally caught up with itself and went into hyperdrive. |
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thank u Ciaran for this post....:) |
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Thank you for the tip! It is like that, isn't it? The time thing. You wait as days drag on until the visit, then the visit time flies by until it's gone like a flash. *sigh |
Sometimes I think that I am more suited to LDRs, that my personality just lends itself better to those relationships. I like to be alone, I like having my own space. Although I am extremely physical, and very physically affectionate, I sometimes find that being with someone, living with them on a daily basis, strains me. I don't know how else to explain it, and don't mean to sound like I am icily aloof, I guess I'm just someone who can be content being alone or being in a distant relationship. Forgive my meandering thoughts, and inability to explain exactly what I mean...it's late, and insomnia tends to make me ramble on a bit.
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We have a long distance friendship going on.It is nice and comfortable.The phone calls are great and skyping can get intresting.Texts are random throughout the day. We talk about alot of stuff and i dont have anymore secrets.Some days are kinda hard when one of us needs a real hug or a little peck on the cheek.We both miss the human touch.
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The distance also forces me to move slowly and to be more cautious, something I have not done in the past. It allows me to evaluate a potential long-term partner from a distance, which is helpful. When someone is in front of me constantly, it's very easy to be blinded by the things I love about them and to ignore the things that should be big red flags. LD gives me long flights home to evaluate how I feel after each trip and reaffirm that (or question whether) I want to keep moving forward. Quote:
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For me, this is a really transformational time in my life, from many angles, and being in an LDR has allowed me the space to evolve both emotionally and intellectually on my own while simultaneously connecting with someone who is not intimidated by that. |
The ingredients have to be good to begin with otherwise disaster eventually..I don't think you can know that right away. The truth does come out eventually but can you accept it and walk or do you keep trying to make it what you thought it should be if you are emotionally involved? I think it's such a personal dilemma that this isn't an easy yes or no of course not.
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When I think back to the few 24/7 relationships I've had, I realise that I always had separate living arrangements in part. For example, when I moved in with my partner around 2001 or so, I kept my own condo and would sometimes spend the night there (it was closer to my office anyway). The difficulty is that some / many people perceive the need for separate personal space as indicative of a lack of commitment - whereas, from my perspective, it's nothing of the sort. Rather, it's to preserve my sanity and actually strengthen the relationship. |
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It very much depends on who is involved, I think. I know many people for whom this is ideal, and I know some people for whom 24 hours is not enough time to be with each other. LOL The rest of us fall somewhere in between. |
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