I have lived a poly life for the majority of my adult life and it can be an amazing situation when all the right personalities are connected and everyone is on board to making it work. But please don't think its a walk in the park at any point because it takes constant effort to keep on track and up to date with every emotion and fluxuation of emotion.
Envy and jealousy are the two hardest things to keep in check and some situations just become bogged down by those emotions its difficult for anyone to see whats truly going on.

Couldn't decide which of the Poly threads to put this in
 

I read the four threads in this area and I couldn't decided which one to put this is but in the long run decided to put it here. It is one of those thinking out loud posts so it is a little long...

I have been doing a lot of honest self-reflection about My life. Trying to examine all of it honestly and that includes My experience as a poly individual and the more recent attempts to be monogamous. I have been in poly relationships since the age of 18. My poly relationships have been along the lines of Dee's experience where W/we all lived under the same roof. Now mind you not all of them worked or was perfect but I did learn with each new experience what type of poly relationships I could and could not be in. I will also be honest that My longest relationship was a poly one, 18 years. Where there were time periods of being lucky enough to have another woman involved and periods of monogamy only because I had not brought someone into the relationship. My first two experiences with being poly involved bio-men but they never touched Me.
The first one was a nightmare beyond belief. However I think there was a few things playing into that for Me, one of which was that a biologically male was involved and the woman I was with did not know the meaning of honesty. I was also very very young 18 to be honest and the poly relationship was not entered into in a proper way, I know that now. It only lasted a year and then only because he was in the Navy and not home for 6 of those months. Keep in mind I was with this woman for about a year before I found out she was actually married to her husband…I told you she truly did not know the meaning of honesty. The second relationship also involved a married couple, male and female, that I lived with. I ended this one because the woman approached Me and said she wanted to leave her husband and was in love with Me. While I was flattered I was not about to be the reason their marriage ended and it was not what the three of us had agreed to at the start. During this time I was defiantly a Top, like being poly it was just in My blood, however I had not officially entered the life style and was not yet a Dom or a Daddy.
Now on the other hand My longest relationship did see the development of Me as Dom and O/our poly experiences only included femmes. L (My ex) was a boi and the only one I have been with so all the other women I brought into the relationship had their own place in the house and with the communication and following of rules and procedures that were put into place at the start of each one It was a very pleasurable experience and I am not referring to just the sex. If it was just about that I sure would not have taken the responsibility of having more than one in My house. I am of the belief not to have more people in My circle then I can at least take care of emotionally, preferably financially and spiritually as well. At the end of O/our relationship the closest I am came to poly was playing with her with the knowledge of anyone I was in the relationship with.
I have tried since then to be monogamous and while I was successful meaning I never cheated on them or left them for someone else I was never really satisfied or happy. Yet I kept trying because so many people told Me being poly was wrong on top of being a Dom was wrong and TG wrong. I really need to move out of the mid-west *laugh*. Then after L ended O/our 23 year friendship in July of this year My whole life changed in a way. Actually in a positive way making Me examine what has happened since 2004 and especially this year allowing Me to also reexamine the poly versus monogamous relationships. I think I could be happy in a mono relationship with the right woman but I feel a part of Me is missing that I am not being true to Myself about.

Honesty, if there is ONE iota of dishonesty it all comes out and tears down the foundation. Tiny bits of manipulation (even if not intentional) also tears down the foundation. Syr does NOT do well with even the smallest amount of dishonesty, manipulation or secrets.

Monogamy sounds like a nice break after all you have been through. Hell being single sounds like a nice break too, sorry you've been through so much. This life can certainly take a toll on a person if things are not as they should be.

i don't feel that it is the Dominants responsibility to take care of others' emotional, spiritual and sometimes financial well being. i do feel it's the role of the Dominant to guide us in those things, help us make decisions so that we are self sufficient. We all have a role here around here, Syr is at the helm and certainly does her share of care for all us, which is appreciated greatly. The boi and Syr go back a long time, like 20 years and without that kinship the boi would not be where she is today as Syr has paved the way for her to have the life she has today. Without Syr i would not be here. Even with all of that i don't feel it's her job to do so, but she still does it willingly.

Our job is to try to maintain peace and harmony, and i fail at this sometimes. Syr has her hands full and i never want to add to that.

Bump
 

Is anyone interested in picking up the discussion? I have been making some changes in how I approach intimate relationships and dating, and feel I could use some support and/or just a place to talk it out.

After some unsuccessful poly dabbling in my youth I gave it up for years of serial monogamy. The draw toward polyamory has never left me, though. And as I get older and grow wiser in so many other areas of my life, it seems more and more possible, no - necessary, for me to explore further. I feel entirely confident of my own ability to handle it well. I have a lot of self awareness, good communication skills, the ability to self-care, and I play well with others.

One thing is for certain: that I will be very selective about who I decide to become involved with. I need to be certain that others are meeting me on the same level, that we truly have something healthy to offer each other. I have lived and grown through too much bullshit to allow myself to get sucked into anyone else's emotional immaturity.

All of that said --- the adventure has already begun as I have recently begun to date someone who has a full poly lifestyle, with a primary, secondary, and play partners. It remains to be seen where I will fit in, if anywhere, but right now I am really enjoying her company and the overall experience. I am having my first opportunities to experience myself in relation to sharing and division of time. So far, it feels pretty good. I personally require so much time to myself that it is a relief not to feel pressured to be available all the time. And I know when I do see her I will cherish it all the more for the effort made to carve out special time just for us.

So, I think I've made a good start! I welcome any input. :)

she sounds like a busy girl! Congrats on the experience tho. I wonder if she would be available if you needed her?

My own personal description of poly would be within a bdsm structure. I know that most poly relationships have rules about outside play partners. In my house there would be none of that. I would need to completely control all of that.

I think poly makes sense if you can make it work. Honestly I;ve only seen a few cases where it did and in all it was within a BDSM house. Then again I admit that I'm not entirely in the know. But I'd like to know others and explore this as an option. In my dreams I dream of having one femme and one boi. I think it would be perfect for me. I too need a lot of space and a lone time which makes a slave feel insecure at times.

I think dishonesty in any relationship is sucky. I hate secrets and being in the dark.

The woman I am involved with has a long-term butch friend that lives in OR.

Her friend lives in a compound-type setting with 2-3 other butches, each with their own small house.

The femme of the group has her own small house.

They all have their own chores and jobs in the compound and each has their own day/night with the femme.

They all get along and all are friends.

To me, on the face of it, it sounds like an awesome fantasy but in practicality, it would be very difficult. I don't know if it takes a special kind of person to be able to do this in real life but it would be very hard for me.

No judging at all here.

I just know myself and what I could do and not do. Poly would not be a life I could live.

She is busy. Truth. But that works for me right now. At the moment I'm taking my time in this evolution and don't need more than "dating". I even hesitate to use the word "polyamorous" because it actually refers to a specific style of nonmonagamy but we tend to lump all others under that heading. (I've been reading the book Opening Up: A guide to creating and sustaining open relationships. It outlines several different styles including but not limited to - partnered nonmonogamy, swinging, polyamory, solo polyamory, polyfidelity, and mono/poly combos). I don't really know yet exactly where I'll land and I'm all about exploring openly. And in the meantime, or really as a part of that, I'm still requiring intimacy.

There is also a BDSM component to all of this for me. The person I'm dating certainly has that going on and I am appreciating learning about how that all works for her. Mostly, I am hooked on the openness and honesty that she is displaying. It is so refreshing. My own self in relation to BDSM is something that is evolving too. Historically I have been strictly submissive and have even engaged in a couple of full-time D/s relationships. However I feel something shifting for me there. I'm still a sub but feel something new coming to the surface. Like I'm part girl and part Mama - both equally valid. Not entirely sure what to do with that yet. Perhaps I should take that to the BDSM exploration thread where I've been lurking a bit lately anyway. ;)

So. I am an ever-evolving work in progress who wants it all while I figure it out. Is that so much to ask? I know it's a lot but I really think it's possible. Perhaps my Pollyanna is showing?

Honesty. Yes. I need it. Secrets literally make me ill. I am very intuitive and empathic so when something is being kept from me, I sense it. Sometimes I can name it and sometimes it just makes me ill - especially when I try to name it and it is denied by someone else. I just have no space and tolerance for that. Even if the truth is hard, I find it much more acceptable than the alternatives!

I know it can get complicated the more people you add. I know I can do it and that gives me faith that others out there can too. I think I'm prepared for some trial and error, and perhaps some disappointments. But that's part of life, right? What I can do is be my best self and attract the same. I'm here to learn. With an absolutely open and loving heart.

I am currently in a poly relationship. I've 2 partners under the same roof. I spend time with both of them individually and as a group. Sometimes I sleep with one. Sometimes with another. Communication is paramount. As is trust. Technically, MBE is primary. I will discuss things with her before going to my other partner usually. However, my time is pretty equal. And there are times that I cannot spend with either.... Such as finals week in school. They work together to support me so I can be a student.

The biggest change I would make is I don't have a room of my own. Sometimes, I don't wanna sleep with either of them! Maybe I wanna lay in bed and talk on the phone until I or the other person falls asleep. Maybe I wanna read. Maybe I just wanna be alone. I told them both, if we should move, I want my own room. I would be ok with primarily living with MBE and then living with my other partner for some of the time.

I would accept a 3rd. That is it though.

I must have my own room and my own space. I would also make sure whomever I was with had the same. I don't blame you

I'm here, but I am going to watch for a while... support is always something I can do with more of...

I came here yesterday morning and started to write a post about some of the unpleasant and defensive reactions I'm getting from people as I'm coming out as poly. But then I was called away and never made it back.

Later in the day I had a surprising experience that counterbalanced some of the above negativity. I visited with a friend who is dear to me because she has an open and loving heart. However, our differences are vast. She is older than me, straight, kind of sheltered in her thinking and experiences, definitely vanilla. When she asked about my love life I decided to just spill it all, fully expecting judgement and lack of understanding. But that's not what I got. She was genuinely intrigued. Having unsuccessfully dabbled in poly in her own youth, she has always wondered if there was a way to do it better. And now, she is feeling like she may like to explore it again but had no idea where to start or who she could talk to about it without feeling judged. We talked for hours. It was great for both of us. She got to open her horizons, receive new information, and walked away with resources she could only dream of before. I got to be heard, understood, respected. And I discovered that I'm much more knowledgeable than I give myself credit for.

Because there is some crossover for me, and in some of the resources I directed her to, we broached the topic of BDSM. Now this is something waaaaaayyyyy outside her understanding and comfort zone. Just think about all of the stigmas and judgements of mainstream, vanilla society - that's what she had to work with on the topic. But because she knows me as a kind, loving, and evolved soul it opened her eyes to the possibilities because she could never believe that I would be involved with anything evil or destructive. We talked for hours and it was amazing.

The main take-away for me is the benefit of living openly and honestly. I am learning, as with in other areas of my life also, the more open I am, the more open others are with me. When I speak truth, some people can't wait to speak it back. Yes, there will always be naysayers and those who think I am just plain nuts but the honest connections I'm making with some far outweighs the negative.

Kissing
 

I am curious to hear other people's points of view about kissing on the mouth in regards to polyamorous relationships. For some it is a safer sex issue, for others it is an intimacy issue, and for still others it seems to be no issue at all.

Under what circumstances is it okay or not okay for you and your partners, and why?

I don't kiss on the mouth anyone but my primary lover. Kissing is a very intimate and sacred act for me. But I am told when I get drunk I want to kiss everyone! lol I don't get drunk that often and certainly not around a lot of people I think I might want to kiss!

But I do think that if there are a few in a committed relationship that kissing would be ok. I know there are poly relationships where there is emotions but rules on physical, sexual contact. If I had a few slaves, which is the only way I'd be interested in poly, they would belong to me and have to keep to my rules. This would also mean when it came to any level of intimacy.

Ms Meander I can feel the excitement in your sexual liberation and I'm excited for you. I know how hard it is when your friends and family want to judge you or they don't understand why you want certain things. I would say the best solution is happiness and to live by example. When people see that you are happy they suddenly don't care. If anything they become curious.

This is the third attempt I have made to answer your question Ms. Meander..I seem to keep being pulled away each time I have sat down to answer it. I actually found it a rather interesting question and wanted to add how I handle and think about the topic.
First I consider kissing to be one of the most intimate things you can do with a person. I never kiss "play partners" it is just a non-issue and something I have lived by because of what the act of kissing means.
In the polyamorous relationships I have been in the past it was a non-issue because well simply because I made the rules and I was the only dominant involved. So yes I kissed the women I was in a relationship with. Then again we all lived under the same roof.
Now though I am finding myself in polyamorous relationships where we do not live under the same roof and I am starting to ask myself that very question. Where does kissing play a part in each relationship and how do I or should I handle such an intimate act/subject? Like everything else I think it should be discussed..openly and honestly. I also think it will depend on who the other people are, if I know them or not. It will also depend on how many are involved.
I will need to be able to kiss my primary partner. I need that level of intimacy. Yet, there will be other things to consider so it is not as simple or as easy to answer as I first thought it would be. When I sat down to answer how I felt about kissing in polyamorous relationships that involve me.

You've said many times you had a spirit sister wife?

I wondered the same thing.

Thank you for sharing in my excitement! It is a sexual liberation of sorts. It is also, perhaps more so, a mental, emotional, and even spiritual liberation. For many years I have been trying to jam myself into boxes which did not fit me. And because I am now healthy, strong, grounded, and confident -- so much more is possible. Including the ability to explore different ways of having relationships that are healthy and meaningful.
I think you are right, anyone who observes me for a little while will come to see that whatever I am doing is working for me, and maybe even be happy for me whether they understand it or not.

:)

I've done the box cramming thing. It's hard when you don't fit into any. It's been a spiritual journey for me too. My sexual liberation and being ok with who I am even when people think I'm a freak.

My family and very close friends know just about everything about me. Including my mom. She use to have a bad habit of getting past the guard at the gate and letting herself in. One day she walked in on something she didn't want to see! lol It broke her of that habit. Being queer was something everyone accepted right away and I've always been queer but I kept adding layer on. But I must say they accept me and only want me to be happy. I couldn't imagine not sharing my adopted family with my real family.

I agree that kissing is an act of intimacy. An act of intimacy that is important to me and I enjoy greatly. Most people I'm talking to agree that one does not kiss their play partners. Makes sense to me. But it seems to get more tricky when it comes to multiple intimate relationships, as you are noticing, yourself. If there are rules around kissing they often have to do with keeping that particular act between primaries. I understand this too.

When I'm thinking of myself in relation to this topic I have a lot of questions. First, I don't know what kind of relationship structure will ultimately work best for me. What if I decide not to pursue a primary relationship of my own and am content to be the second or third to others -- and then they all have agreements only to kiss their primaries? Who do I get to kiss? Obviously there are potential solutions to this but these are the sorts of questions that pop up.

I find it useful to hear other people's thoughts and experiences as I form my understandings and opinions on these topics. I thank you all for playing along!

Martina-

You were instructed on November 17th during a moderation by June to put dee on ignore and not to engage with her any further.

This was not an optional request and we are not going to devote any more energy to keeping you from posting to her or after her when we've been clear of our expectations.

You are now on a 2-week time-out. During that time you are not to access the site or the Facebook pages of any of the Admins or Moderators.

Thanks,
Medusa

Actually Ms. Meander I think you are going about this the right way. I sure wish I had access to a site like this and others with different experiences when I first discovered Poly relationships.
At least you have questions and are trying to find answers to them for you and the type of relationship you may get into. I have found it is easier and better to have the answer to my questions before I get into the situation. As long as I keep in mind that each relationship is different and I may have over looked a possible answer. That is why communication, open and honest communication, is always key. Even with the who to kiss question...as my relationships change I continue the communication so that needs are being met or hopefully met.

I thank you for asking the questions...it helps me know where I stand today compared to years ago when I began this process.

Kissing
 

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I've been in poly relationships in the past but I find that dynamic doesn't work too well for me. As a Daddy & Dominant, I prefer to be a priority and not an option.

When in a D/s relationship, my girl & I don't kiss others outside of our connection. It's intimate and special to me and not something I want to share outside of my romantic commitment.

However, when I'm single and playing with someone particularly hot who is likewise, unattached, I may ask for permission to kiss. I'm a good kisser and enjoy kissing, so sometimes it is an option when negotiating play with someone else who is single. I, of course, respect their boundaries and don't feel upset or slighted if no kissing is allowed.

Kissing... Highly sensual, highly erotic.

I'd never deprive a partner the opportunity to kiss someone they're dating as long as all those affected are aware of it and okay with it.

Fondling, sex... On the other hand, is different.

You can come home and tell me, "hey, I grabbed .. and kissed them.". My response? Did you have fun....?

You come home and tell me, "hey, I slept with.." and my response will be WTF?!

Things happen. I get that. I'm very forgiving. Just communicate with me. Beforehand preferably.

for me, if i want to be with someone, then usually i want to be emotionally intimate with them as well as physically, and that can involve kissing. so we don't have rules or boundaries around that.

Wow, thank you all for the thoughtful responses. Even though I've had some experience with polyamory in the past, and have continuously had some poly people somewhere in my sphere, I am throwing everything I thought I knew out the window and starting from scratch. Because my former perceptions were based in different types of biases, which limited me.

I was apprehensive about sharing openly here and still am, a little - but mostly out of habit. I've never been one to share too deeply in the forums because I had a lot of wounds that needed protecting. Now that they are healed, I am finding my voice, my liberation. And I am very grateful to have a place to share and wonder. Thank you.

You go girl! Have fun and make no excuses for being a vivacious, free spirited woman.

My journey for liberation wasn't about the type of sex I wanted to have, being queer or the many other things I engaged in. It was about being a woman and being whatever kind of woman I wanted to be. Not a mold from the society I was born into. It's a brave person who follows the beat of their own drum. Not an easy thing but the most fulfilling to your spirit.

I am having some interesting and growth provoking experiences already in my journey into polyamory. Because this is all new and I started out single, I am mostly just dating. I could be called a solo polyamorist. What makes my situation different then just plain dating is that am open to multiple lovers and open to the possibilities of those relationships evolving into something deeper and long-lasting. The people I become involved with must understand and agree to these terms. I love the openness and clarity of it all. I am challenged to put my communication skills to work in ways that are still unfamiliar and a little uncomfortable at times, just because it is new. But the result is satisfying.

There have been a couple of bumps in the road already, that are being overcome. An ongoing lover who I believe to have longer-term potential is a very busy person and I got lost in the shuffle over the holidays, there was miscommunication when she thought we had spoken about something when in fact, I was left dangling. I didn't like it and I had to let her know. It was awkward for me but I did it and I'm glad I did. She's sorry and feels badly that the circumstances did not reflect my importance to her. I am valuable. My time is valuable. My relationships need to reflect that.

It was also awkward for me to tell her that I'm about to go on a date with someone new. All of this openness is not second-nature. Society breeds it out of us and we have to work hard to re-learn it. So glad I'm making the effort.

great thread

Thanks !