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Apocalipstic, :givingarose: Oh yes. My father has a razor sharp tongue. Plus he was always good at being highly critical of me. And it was nothing for him to hold a knife at my throat and threaten me. Even when I see him today, in his 80's, he hasn't changed much at all. His tongue is still sharp. And he still calls me derrogatory names, and when I stutter, well, that just seems to add fuel to his belittlement of me. Someone once asked me if I had chemo. I said no. I asked why they thought that. I was told that I stop talking totally when I start stuttering or saying the same word over repeatedly. It is known as "chemo brain". |
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I try to send Cynthia to the store when I can, but this weekend at Trader Joe's I did some slow breathing exercizes and was able to avoid getting too overwhelmed. I make lists and try to be as organized as possible. If I have to fumble for my stuff I am a disaster. It is usually clear what state of mind I am in my how much of a mess my purse and work bag are. |
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I still have his voice in my head, but it is getting better thanks to Bit and Gryph, medication, therapy and a lot of great friends listening to me and helping me. Have you considered walking away? I think I would not be alive now if I had not just walked away. |
Awww, Kimbo, I am so sorry that it's gone beyond fibro fog for you! I'm also sorry that the meds cause such problems.
I'm back in fibro fog, myself. Been fighting it off for over a year and thought I had it well at bay, but the signs are unmistakable and undeniable now. Gryph and I are trying to make changes so that I can come back to normal--well, as close as I ever get to "normal"--and the major one is that he walks the dogs in the morning. That's extremely physically difficult for me, especially since the puppy's usually frantic and pulls really hard on the leash; I'm always afraid I'll fall down the steps because he's pulling so hard. I also have to sleep more. There's just no way around it, even with caffeine. I have to sleep more. Andrew, I agree with Jen that sometimes it's just better if a person can walk away from someone as difficult as your father is. I hope things get better for you!! Oh! I'm also one who gets flustered at the cash register, so I set myself up a sort of system. The coupons are in the front of my cart (you know, where the kids sit?) with my bag, and the shopper's card is on my keychain in my pocket--I always carry my keys in my jeans pocket--so I choose a line with someone ahead of me, to give myself time to unload the cart; I give my card to the cashier first; and I give the coupons at the end. Then I pay with a debit card--never a check, and only rarely cash. I still get flustered but not as much. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{everyone}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Love to you all! |
ps---I check my bank balance every day online, to make sure I don't forget to enter the debits in my checkbook. That's a lesson I learned the hard way, oy--so glad now for the convenience of online access!
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I can't walk away because of something he said to me. I feel like I let down my sisters when I was a youngster. And I just cannot do that again. No. Not ever. I know that my greatest joy will be the day he is no longer walking this earth. I have been in therapy before, but all of my therapists betrayed me. They went to my father and told him what was going on in our sessions. This is long before HIPPA and all the other legal documents were done and made law. I look at it this way, he got away with it here, but not from his maker. He will be held accountable. Trust me. |
I'm sorry, Andrew; that sounds like a very difficult situation. I wish you peace.
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Cath, :rrose: Thank you kindly. Just say your prayers for me. I want to be the man I am today. I am not afraid of him any longer. He no longer physically torments me like he once did. And I will always stand up for my sisters. Always. Now everything is just mental and emotional with him. |
The automatic checkout at the grocery store gets me, I just can't get it right. It is always yelling at me telling me to put something in my bag when I have not rung anything thing up. I get so tense.
Every now and then I get freaked out when checking out at a restaurant. If I don't have my glasses on I can't see the receipt well, so I am trying to focus on the numbers, then sometimes I just go blank. Yes, I can do percentages in my head, but with the people behind me and not being able to see...if I am having a bad day, I have been known to just freeze. So embarrassing. Andrew, maybe he said what he said to control you. Try and do what is best for you! Not to prove anything. I had to learn that too. My Dad would tell me I never loved my mother (who died when I was 13 and we think he killed) and that I failed my sister (who does not agree). Controlling people know our triggers and use them. |
Hey yanno what Jen, I don't use the automatic check-out. I figure I might save a cashier's job by insisting on having a person check my groceries out. Voila, less stress for me and I get to feel virtuous, too. :cheesy:
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True! :) I like that :) I am saving someonme's job! Grin! Does anyone else feel guilty for having to say no to social activities for weeks at a time? |
Sometimes I have to have "space" from others. And this does mean I need to be away from others. It means no to night clubs, no to comedy clubs, no to dinners out, and so on and on. Sometimes I just enjoy being on my deck, grilling, and looking at the natural habitat behind my house, bird watching, doing word searches, smoking a cigar or two, or smoking my pipe. It is "me" time. Some get it, and some call me a bump on a log. But then again, they don't have my disorders. Until you walk in my shoes, don't tell me how to live my life or tell me what I should or should not be doing. Jen, Yes, my father is a huge control freak. That is his weapon. He used guilt and fear too. Bit & Jen, I cannot figure out the self-scan checkout things at all. I just keep getting a recording and the belt rolls back after I scan the item on the belt. It is beyond frustrating. And I do cause a line whenever I use this. Now, I have learned to have someone check me out. It is just much easier for me, and faster. Plus I am not 3 shades of red. |
I have to have down time too. I love being home with Cynthia and our dogs and cats, it's the best.
Now that I don't drink like a fish the bar is more than I can stand, unless we go on an afternoon and I leave when the crowd starts to arrive. Maybe if my job were not as social as it it, being around people the rest of the time would be easier? Even at parties at our house, I get overwhelmed and try to escape to outside to chill, but people follow me. I need a better plan. I do find that living in a city is better because it is anonymous and I am not expected to hang out with neighbors and no one cares what I do. |
regarding the u-scan-
i'll have a lot of items and go through. people give me the stink eye. took me a while to get the hang of it- coordination / speed. being rushed is not always so good for me. i figure i owe it to myself now as it's my victory with the u-scan lane ;) have a good laugh & a buggy full- try it. oh. and hide inside of the circular garment racks too once in a while. :clap: :rainsing: :superfunny:ox |
I now check the circular garment racks to see if Violaine is in there.... :p
I definitely need my solitude, I always have. If I don't take it, I know it will be a very frustrating day. |
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By the time Thursday afternoon rolls around, there is NOTHING I'd rather do than hop in the car, drive the four hours home and collapse with Jess and the critters. There are weeks when I don't go out of the house from Thursday night till I leave on Monday asscrackofdawn. I don't care what the expectation might be from the neighbors in our small town. They get too cozy and I WILL run that rainbow flag up next to the devil worshipping star! (its a joke) I think that everyone should have that "recharge" time - neurodiverse or not :) That being said, there must be a cup of coffee when we are in Nashvegas at the end of the month! |
I think most people assume that others want to "talk" or to "socialize". There is something definitely off when it comes to that. I know I had a neighbor who used to sit and wait for me or Rosie to come home to socialize with us. It drove us nuts. We ended up moving. It was a welcome relief. She was a major pain in the butt. And I mean MAJOR. There is a time for everything, and she seemed to jump out just when it was not the right time. :seesaw: |
face blindness-
http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/autism_world/96900
jen, christie, and andrew- i completely get you all with regard to lots of socialisation! lots of sneaking off stories, not answering the bell, avoiding events, et c.!! liam, watch out ;) thought i'd post the face blindness article because i have experienced it a time or two. best, belle [[[you all]]] |
Face Blindness hits me once and a while. And it is very frustrating. I have word blindness (Dyslexia). So, it is pretty much the same sort of thing - a visual perception disorder as the lady told me who tested me. I was like, oh ok. :wallbreak: |
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Thank you for saying that about recharge time, I feel bad about what a recluse I can be. Some days, all I can manage is work....like today. :) BUt I have lunch with a friend and dinner with another and I have no idea how I am going to do it. I am in a complete fog and have a gianr headache. Quote:
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Jen - That is the perfect example! :runforhills: Now I have a revolving front door it seems. Once someone comes in, another person leaves. Sometimes this is fun, and sometimes it is too much for me. I just need my space. When someone unannounced shows up, who I have never met in real time before, nor has Rosie, then it is another issue. I think people who don't have neurological disorders or diseases really do not understand this at all. They just don't grasp the concept of routines, and personal/public business. It is a fine line. Everyone has that line, but it is harder for those of us who are disabled to function and to express ourselves that others don't negate. I am the one person that the kids in the neighborhood trust. So, I was "elected" to be the house that they go to if they get in trouble or if they needed help fast. I have no issues with that at all. In fact, I find it quite a gift that I was asked to do this for the children. :present: I think that my late dog, Lil, would walk the kids to the bus stop, wait with them until they got on the bus, and then come home. And then like clockwork, at 3pm would walk down the street and sit and wait for the kids to come home from the school bus. I never saw anything like it to this very day. I got Lil when she was a few weeks old. I have no clue where she picked this up from. None at all. |
I never even answer the door :)
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I have learned.
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Having a 120lb dog who looks like a bear is a GOOD thing... it keeps the neighbors at bay! We are probably gonna hit town on Thursday the 1st. My mom's 75th bday is the 31st but there is NO way we can make it there on Wed. Maybe Saturday we can do coffee - you know my folks arent too awfully far from your house? I usually drive Jess thru Edgefield, Shelby Park and over by Stratford reliving my glory days... I'm hoping to be over the pneumonia thing by then - I went back to the doc yesterday and was met with, "How do you feel about MCV? (our equilivent to Vandy) I responded that I hated to park there using valet because they lose your car. HA!!! The PA didnt realize that I knew he was talking about admitting me, but I am NOT a good patient and the last place I wanna be is inpatient - it would not bode well for my social skills (or lack thereof). Anyway, we are hoping to take bratboy to the Autism Conference on Friday the 2nd while we are in town - he is interested in hearing Temple Grandin speak. Hope ya'll all have a grand day - I'm hiding in my office, door closed and a note on it that warns all to enter at own risk. :hanging: |
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I hope you feel better, I have been sick for weeks too....UGH. The steroids makes me pretty crazy. Inpatient sucks, I hate it too and hope you are avoiding it! |
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Mine looks like a 100lb wolf :) |
Would someone with some time to spare, who is better at interpreting what is an is no OK socially take a look at the PTSD thread and let me know if it is OK to have such a thread and if I am being unreasonable?
I don't want to have to have a secret password to get to discuss PTSD. I really am not hung up on secrecy, should I be? |
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A password is not needed to discuss PTSD issues in your thread, I think many folks have discovered that they are not alone in dealing with this issue, in their lives. I appreciate the presence of your thread here. |
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Of course it is perfectly acceptable to have an open thread on PTSD where members can post whatever thoughts they have on the topic without editing themselves. If some would feel more comfortable in a discussion with clearly outlined rules of engagement where certain types of discussion which don't feel safe to them are forbidden, that sounds good too. There's always room for two threads. I wonder if it might be a good idea to have an area of the forum that is kind of the opposite of the "Red Zone" - like a "Safe Zone" for threads that are limited in the ways posters are to interact. Not that they would be heavily moderated by official moderators, but by members or the thread creator. Not sure how that would work but it's a thought. I hope your need to share and have fellowship around what you want to discuss is respected. Quote:
:cheer: |
I guess for me secrets are what caused most of my problems and it is important to me to be able to share openly. I think telling our truth is important.
I certainly get the need to have therapy and AA type groups with facilitators and the promise of anonymity....for those who feel the need to keep things hidden. I have been though so much, I genuinely do not care any more. I think having the closed PTSD group, when when you click it asks you for a password, but you can see who is in there seems exclusive and hurtful to those who have not rated an invitation to said PTSD group, which I think would be further triggering. I want people to blunder in and feel free to say or not say what they want to. I am just saying NO to secrets. :) |
Now that is one of my issues...the secrecy issue is a main issue of PTSD. So, how do we do this? :batman:
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I refuse to be shamed into hiding any more.
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I wonder sometimes if I were neurotypical I would see things the same way and the same things would seem blaringly obvious.
I have a difficult time with what feelings are and how they differ from thoughts. Cyclopea, I really like the idea of a Safe Zone as long as everyone is welcome. :) Then, people who might be triggered by certain types of discussions could just avoid the Safe Zone? |
To me, right now, I am in a place where I feel like my favorite show, "The Sopranos". They conspired against anyone who stood in their way. I am that man who stood in their way.
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Everything is OK, really! The PTSD is kicked in for you. Maybe spend the day with your babies and really notice petting them and how much they love you. That is what is important, not a group. I promise. |
Jen,
Yes, I am. I think a day away will do wonders for me. My twich is back, and I had night terrors last night. It is going full force. :twitch: Thanks. :bouquet: |
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Hell, recently I took a week off from everyone. :) |
[QUOTE=apocalipstic;60705]I wonder sometimes if I were neurotypical I would see things the same way and the same things would seem blaringly obvious.
what seems blaringly obvious to me is when NT's possess some odd sense of 'loyalty' to one another - even if all of the facts are not there , or even when another model is readily available to them. thinking outside of the box is not something i have experienced with many NT's. i am writing about various family dynamics, friendships, and work environments - Sticking Together Policy- on unhealthy levels, for the sake of sticking together! like that is more important than opening up a mind to potential growth - or at least not ruling it out. I have a difficult time with what feelings are and how they differ from thoughts. Cyclopea, I really like the idea of a Safe Zone as long as everyone is welcome. :) Then, people who might be triggered by certain types of discussions could just avoid the Safe Zone? |
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Maybe it is fear of being perceived as an outcast or feeling alone? There is the feeling word again. Are "feelings" and "feeling nauseated" or "feeling alone" the same thing? |
NT and AT wiring [aspies, for example]- are so different in socialisation/survival areas. if an NT is hard wired for socialisation- peer pressure-being 'normal' and whatever schedule to follow from the Book of Codes for Normals, it makes sense that feeling like an 'outcast' would not be so good for an NT - it might mean that less people [in a group situation of NT's] find forgiveness for being human. making mistakes- and if one NT person turns their back on someone, how many times have you seen others do the same?
there are NT's who are less judgmental, not quick to take sides, or who do not follow the schedule from Book of Codes for Normals, et c. and there are also AT's who do obsess on being 'normal' - but where does that come from? |
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