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March 30
Catalog of Growth The right seed in the right season grows a garden of miracles for me. I get the food for my table or the stores for winter, sometimes when I’m in a Jack like predicament, right planted seeds can provide a bean stalk of escape from my restricted life. I have a role to play with these wonders. I must sort the seeds from the pebbles. I must let the kernels out of my pocket and into the ground. I water when I can and harvest what comes to fruition. Though the best by far is the part when I get to share the seeds. Putter in your emotional garden * RAIN The rain makes shadows of water It spills onto the ground like tiny worlds What had been airborne and mist Is now earthbound and integral Feeding, cutting, learning the world Once I contemplated theories and mystery Now washing dishes is a spiritual service The view was lovely when I was above it all But now I course through the veins of life There may come a time when I am untouchable again But by then I will have been a part of it all I will carry the world with me always An orbiting servant Not just above but through |
March 31
Face and Ass “It is hard to save your face and save your ass at the same time.” What I haven’t tried in an attempt to live my life as a showman spotlight front and center. What I wouldn’t sacrifice to keep peace and image intact, but in the end it was just that, my end, that saved me from a life chasing prevention of defacement. I can’t live with the posture of an ostrich it leaves so much at risk. Hiding my face won’t protect it no matter how much I wish it would. I have to put my butt in a seat, a seat up front where folks get to know my face. I have to try my best yet still make mistakes and let people know my ass as well. Being a part of AA saves my behind, once that is cosseted, my face might just get its day in the sun. Don’t invite ridicule, but deal with it if it comes knocking at your door * PADUANS The pussy willows bloom Looking much like crested poultry The coldest part of my heart Is fighting to thaw in this early spring Weather is not of the mind to be rushed My hopes nor the changing calendar Can persuade the warmth into the May morning It's May for me too No longer the early sobriety of January The years have marched on I wait for the delivery of my returning brains Long-term sobriety has begun I am still beset with the chill of fragility I desire dignity but find myself strutting Like a fowl with blooming plumage Addled and gawky Don't worry says my sponsor The pussy willow is in no way less For showing itself In the rawness of growth |
April 1
Why is it so hard to be me? I have everything I could wish for. I have love and friendship, I have talent and ability. What more could I want? I don’t want more, I want to learn how to overcome fear and live with disappointment. Abundance is ever at the door, but I have no room for plenty. Reassurance is the thing I chase after, yearn for, pine about, but it is an illusive thing like taking hold of smoke. Allusion is the gift-wrap of reality the unwrapping often puts me off the contents; regaining my composure and reestablishing willingness is a difficult job requiring dedication and fortitude. The barrier before the carefree me is thought the strongest of all substance. I must heal the calcifications of my mind and resist rigidity. My thinking is what makes being me problematic without it I am nothing at all. Free fun from the shackles of expectation * ACCEPTANCE, ACTION, CHANGE Acceptance equals action Without action, acceptance is a death sentence Action puts me in the hands of my Higher power Inaction puts me at the mercy of others or worse self-justification For acceptance to glow with life it must be moving Action equals change Action without change is repetition The moon does not change It orbits flat on it's face, forever dark on one side And a mere reflection on the other Change equals acceptance Change sparks possibilities in mundane endeavor Change without acceptance is a walk off a cliff For change to endure, agreement is necessary A one-sided argument is fascism and fraudulence The heart of change is acceptance Beating the blood of hope to the extremities Whether we circle the heavens Or the bowl depends on the cohesion of Acceptance, Action and Change |
Off to 1230 mtg...have a great day
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Loved today's pieces Sherrie; they're especially apt for me.
I understand more and more about how acceptance and action (along with willingness, being open-minded and honest) facilitate change nowadays. It was my first main share at the meeting this evening :| I'm so relieved it's over; however there was some lovely positive feedback, it was quite touching. :cheesy: Ilf :tea: |
April 2
Clock and Calendar Girl I depend on the count and measure of time to get me through. The swing of the pendulum carries me from moment to moment and the divisions between days are like the rungs on a ladder; I climb from month to month and age to age. When I hold my breath I count the tic, tic, tic till the difficult time passes and I can inhale once more. Harder things require X’s in their numbered boxes to help me transverse the larger distance and rockier terrain. Take away my clock and I go deaf, remove my calendar and I go blind. Tools are tools even if they only aid sight and sound. Address your future * THE SCULPTOR Stuck in a block, my sponsor chips away at me I struggle to hold still With surgical precision she cuts through the debris With which I have surrounded myself After my sponsor frees my hand and arm She places a hammer in my open fingers When the other arm and hand are rescued She places a chisel in that hand This is how before my head showed above the surface I began to help in my own restoration I am the sculptor The program has made me Recovery has taught me I can be anything If I keep chipping away At the things which hold me hostage As time travels on I am a new shape With each turn through the steps And have an ever lustrous finish With every application of the traditions |
April 3
Unfettered “The difference between a demand and a request is apparent to everyone.” A drunk once said this and I hold it to my heart. I can not be bullied or swindled into a corner; neither will I allow you to put a rope around my neck like a wayward calf. I obey because it works for me and if you teach me that you are untrustworthy or careless I will obey you no longer, this doesn’t make me less obedient it just takes you out of the lead. Sometimes I hold the reins and most times they are in the hands of G-d, but never shall my reins be in the hands of another, this is what I drank over and this is what I could drink over again. No one person is my salvation and I cannot allow anyone to be my demise. If you consume me like a drink, I will kill you as surely as any drug. Hobble disrespect * STOP TALKING Try to stop talking when people stop listening said my sponsor And try not to take it personally Why is that? I query Most individuals can't handle much of anything real Try as they may they are unable to listen To anyone speaking the truth Tell them a story and you can hold their attention all day Sprinkle bits of honesty into the tale And you still will keep your audience But strafe them with bullets of the truth and they run for cover I've seen it happen, I never knew what made them scurry But I have seen them sprint away It's a coping mechanism If you try to turn their heart too quickly They're afraid it will stop beating Why is it you never worry about that with me? You tell me the facts whether I want to hear them or not I can tell you because you take step three |
WOW....I like this... shame on someone for inspiring this....but you put it so well...
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April 4
Give Me a Goose Any Day The geese breaking wind resistance, the close ones, the far ones, the ones behind trumpeting, this is the gang who gets me sober and keeps me that way. Maybe you think that G-d is not a flock of geese, but it has been my experience and the honking and the mess are part of it all. I spend my days making sure I am one of them. Sometimes I am even in the lead, which may seem like a place of honor and prestige, but is actually a lot of hard work. Sometime I am the cheering squawker who makes my encouragement heard. Other times I am the one waddling around leaving an untidiness behind me. All of this just makes me part of the flock. I am especially fond of my nest mates though they are often the ones I chase and bluster at the most. I feel a sense of identity and pride when I see any goose flying high and know that because we don’t do it alone we are able to do it together. Pet inspiration * FINE PRINT I can scrawl the wall with everything I know I can fill my books chapter and verse With pure and honest hope But let me begin the precision of language and watch. My once open face becomes tight My associations peek regularly around each corner Neatly painted lines are a trap with teeth laid bare Serrations of careful craft sever my umbilical And God floats off untethered Truth returns when I am shouting my prayers Scrupulous observance never advances my sails I must meet life with an open hand The devil may not always be in the details But check the fine print to be sure. |
April 5
Please Sir Gratitude is a thing which collects and solidifies, it’s pink and I can walk around on it. Some days it is a broad highway and other times a winding spindling track. Ever present if I am mindful, gratitude roots out pests and pestilence while planting a garden beyond my dreams. Gratitude is like handholding; it warms and strengthens me, keeps me connected to real life and reassures me that I am not alone. Many days I find a way to make a face and pout, plundering the rich rewards of sobriety for the thin gruel of discontent, poke me with a stick on these days and remind me who I am, for I am never Oliver even if I feel a little twist. Rest between great ideas * FEELING TEMPLES I failed to appreciate the initial onslaught of feelings I spent much time trying to capture them Lock them away or in some other way submarine them This only had the effect of retarding my recovery I had to reframe my thinking I had to start with simple calisthenics, embrace and celebrate As my emotional health began to take shape I started the foundations for tiny shrines Each with its own theme Happiness had a party going on until all hours With grief there seemed to be a constant internment in progress Body or no Fear showed on IMAX film Of the realities of life on earth Curiosity had an endless library plus a DSL line Making myself a willing and frequent visitor To these contrasting places Created in me wholeness and peace Never again do I have to trudge The two dimensional desert Of my monochromatic former life |
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I am going to an Overeater's Anonymous Retreat this weekend...the theme is about the "Promises of OA" and I'm over the top excited about it! I need this "boost" to fully connect with my program again, I have still been having a rough time with the sugar addiction. I have told myself that I will be abstinent from sugar while I am there, and I do think that being there will give me what I need to sustain that. :praying: My sponsor will also be there, so we'll get in some one to one time as well.
My roommate is a lesbian, who is partnered...and that's pretty cool too. I'm sure we'll have good things to talk about. I believe I have internet access there so I'll try to keep up with the Planet! |
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Glad to hear you'll get time with your sponsor too. I hope you have a wonderful time and find that re-energising and re-submitting to the programme that you're looking for. May I venture that keeping up with the Planet will just take focus away from the healing time you're there for. Just a thought. Have a great time :cheerleader: |
April 6
Fearing Fearlessness How many times have I given the credit to night blind fear, credit due the brave persistent child? How many times have I blamed the willing diligent pursuer when the fault was the backstabbing delay of mistrust? I resist the onset of freedom. Fear was my oldest familiar and I put from my mind that it was my jailer, captor; kidnapped me from my cradle and kept me locked from G-d’s fine intentions. Fearlessness sounds debilitating to my crippled ears, organs who hear well the disclaimers and are deaf to the claims. I am the producer of bile and addicted to dread, endorphins wear white hats and win the day once this yellow belly is put to bed. Allow yourself distance from uncomfortable people * BIRDS AND BEES Birds and Bees can get me drunk I have to watch the amount of envy Which pours through me as I watch their bliss When others make a beeline to the hive I must head to a meeting and save myself despair If my spiritual condition is not sound When other couples are weaving their nests I have to be careful Not to weave my way back to the bar The mating dance is so sweet and seductive I have to make sure I don't end up doing the two step For as much as I hate to admit it If steps one and twelve where enough to keep me sober The rest would not have needed to be written |
April 7
Two Things That Should Be One The difference between my will and G-d’s will is that G-d actually likes me all the time, never looks to punish and would rather that I don’t settle for less then what is best for me. The difference between G-d’s will and my will is left to my own devices I would run in a perpetual circle and dig a trough. I would never ask for help and would refuse if it were offered. I would take on misguidedness as a mantle and wear it to my wake. Often my will and G-d’s will are miles apart, but they needn’t be. G-d is the president of my fan club; I just need to start attending the meetings. Make music in your head that you can feel in your whole body * WHIP I have been to the meeting where the play 'whip' The meeting where the members are gotten in line The tempo increases constantly in an attempt To flick each other off into the land of shame and slips and less-than This game is invisible to the participants Though the stress on their bodies is surely felt Spectators often misunderstand the meaning of the activity And wrongly interpret it as strength training and endurance building I think of it as a backward step Throwing me to my initial desire for a drink Living other peoples skewed lines Sent me running for a bottle The same lines Placed around me in sobriety Will measure me up for a box |
Wow....I learned so much and I had the best weekend ever. It was exhausting emotionally and mentally, but oh so worth it! I have the names, numbers and e-mails of 17 people that I can call anytime for support! I also have a renewed energy to really step up my program and stay off the trigger foods like sugar. Today is Day 2 of abstinence from sugar.
I signed up to be on next years committee for the retreat too! I am so excited! There were quite a few people from my home meeting there, but so many I didn't know and got the chance to meet and got to know a little. I am so incredibly inspired. |
April 8
Out on Your Front Porch “If you want what we have,” said my sponsor, “you will have to follow somebody and lead somebody and do a few other things.” “I have to follow somebody, that shouldn’t be too hard,” I mumble. “In order to follow it helps if you stop looking at the ground, lift you gaze,” her retort. I raise my chin until I meet her eyes. “Better,” says she. “I follow you?” I ask. “Me, yes, if I have what you want, follow others if I don’t,” she says. “Okay and lead somebody, how do I do that?” I ask. “It’s attraction, Sweetie, be attractive, show your smile and your smarts, but most of all show that you’re sober, because that is always your best asset. And no matter what anybody tells you about the allure of bad girls, nobody can resist a good set of assets” Don’t let the rush of the river scare you from the bank * WHAT IS PAST The past cannot hold me in a loving embrace I run too often looking for affection and recognition In things long dead and purportedly buried I return to the ghoulish obsession of digging up Old hates and sorrows longing for support And finding only the cause of the ulcers in my soul I wallpaper the crumbling facade Not wanting to cover it up but to hold it together Trying to unify something which is totally scattered When I view it with a sober eye The past is nothing but a slideshow Under a strobe light The pulse triggers the impulsive belief that it was all real When in truth it was the lie I survived No life existed in the past Only now is there air to breathe The past is all vacuum And I don't need to be sucked away |
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I was so hoping you'd come back and post about your weekend. :cheesy: I'm stoked to hear you're all inspired again and extended your recovery network. Quote:
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April 9
Up and Down: Round and Round Like the wheel on my spinning wheel I pump up and down on the treadle and the wheel spins round and round, the roving twists in my hand and yarn is made. Really all I do is tap my foot and gently hold on, pulling occasionally. It is a small part I play in this production at least it feels small almost unnecessary, but with a clear mind I see that without me it doesn’t get done. I am essential yet still just a foot-tapper and hanger-on neither of these is prestigious yet the whole fabric depends on my mundane actions. I take great comfort knowing that all over there are foot-tappers and hangers-on keeping safe this way of life, sometimes keeping it safe just through sheer repetition. And if you ask, “Is that Unity or Recovery or Service?” All I can say is “Yes it is.” Powder your bottom line * CLAW MARKS There is a brackish River Whose current changes directions twice a day Its bed is well washed on every side. It begs the question- Which way is down hill? There are times I struggle up hill in both directions There are times I slip from every slope What is up is often down Judgment of topography requires distance Scaling the surface takes tenacity I plan on leaving my mark as I go Life's residue staining my finger tips. |
April 10
Stumbling Under the Tenth Step When I’ve been outside of my mind it is so hard to tell when I’ve come home again. The landmarks take on such distortion in memory that the facts seem bloated or anorexic as I turn my face from side to side. Old journals remind me of old journeys and perhaps there are accurate landmarks mentioned, but how can I know for sure that these too are not just the ravings of a mind gone mad. Real or imagined I must take the daily count and try to keep the score in favor of the actual. I don’t always know that I’ve fallen until I inventory the dirt on my face, but better that I face the dirt than live the delusion of a mole. Notice the shape of your fixtures * DROWNING NAKED Bare & Exposed I laid myself on the alter Of my home group AA, my only Source I emptied the contents of my soul And bore the mantle of overexposure But vultures lurked in many rooms I was safely guided by persons of my gender To more secluded and effective place of transmission I thrust myself into the arms and mind of my sponsor She escorts me to the steps with the door closed And taught me how and when it could be prudently opened AA is a power greater than me, so is the ocean Precaution needs to be taken when wading in Care must be exercised as to how much to bare. |
April 11
The Key You See The key you see is letting you, accept me. Oh, how I hide from that, run from that, flee from that. I must be in control of what you think of me. I curtain off the view of me I don’t wish to share with you. Add to that the unusual choices of what I hide. I will strip down with all the lights blazing long before I would let you see me drop the ball, be confused, misunderstand. What I truly fail to realize is that in the process of trying to hide my faux pas and fumbles; what I show you is my controlling ass. Backside bare I moon you with my freak show trying to hide my humanity. Your compassion and tolerant waiting for me to calm down and open my eyes is the key I fail to see about you. Learn the difference between area and circumference * RANK I took an area level service position And my sponsor laughed herself off her chair What is your motivation for this? she asked I want to move up through the service structure, my reply Are you trying to make rank? Problem with that? I ask Ever heard of self-fulfilling prophecy You will become what you desire You will become rank And you will stink The triangle is inverted to help you clean up your act Don’t get washed away in a tide of ego I put down my swim fins And removed my epilates |
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In other news, yesterday was a struggle for me with working a 10 hour day and being so tired, literally exhausted at the end of the day and I had obsessive thoughts about eating sweet things. My HP works in great way though, I have to say! I got a text from someone else in my home meeting telling me she had a good day and stayed away from sugar! We text back and forth until I felt better and was actually laughing. I had a healthy dinner and went right to bed....my 5th sugar free day completed! Thank you for being here my friends!Today will be better! |
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"What I truly fail to realize is that in the process of trying to hide my faux pas and fumbles; what I show you is my controlling ass. Backside bare I moon you with my freak show trying to hide my humanity." Yay! :cheerleader: on your 5th day abstinent. :gimmehug: I've been working hard on remaining surrendered in the way I need to remain surrendered to the programme. It's sure paying off. Although I'm waiting on a call from my sponsor so we can talk about the feelings that bubbled up at last night's meeting...........oh noooo feelings :bolt: Looking forward to taking a young member up to an 'illness in recovery' meeting tonight. Having flagged up to the chair that we'd be coming along, I got roped in to share. Oh dear. It can only be better than last week's birthday drivel. :cheesy: “A new idea cannot be grafted onto a closed mind... Open-mindedness leads us to the very insights that have eluded us during our lives.” basic text p.96 |
April 12
My Experiences with Tennis I have held the racket, I have hit the ball, but I have never played with a partner. I have slammed the fuzzy orb against the wall for long years now, but I have never had a mate. There were times when I had opponents; yes I’ve had a couple of those, a collaborator though, that I have never had. I have learned to overcome opposition either through wile or guile. Slugged my way toward some inevitable outcome, I never expected you on my court. The game we play is for keeps and the muscles required I have never used, I ache from the pain of ending an atrophy imposed on me by isolation and misunderstanding. Often I don’t know how to stand, don’t know how to act; don’t know how to be the equal to your service. I play chase, running after the thing I didn’t see and only faintly felt. I have come to the place where I know, you and I are a team; you will not be leaving looking for someone better equipped or with greater experience. It is time for me to lay out in front of you my host of tendencies and inclinations. I’m in the habit of overwhelming with my strength to hide my weakness; I must expose this all to you, the strength and the weakness, and work together for the resolution. I will no longer pretend that I know what is right and wrong in this un-played game. I fear that I will lose the old game by making this change, all that is familiar put up for grabs to the uncertain outcome of paired sports. All I truly know is that with you by my side I can never lose and I will learn to do whatever it takes to be your wife. Dream with an open mind * SOLIDITY Apprehension stands in the archaeological site Which is my life -----listening Listening for the rumble of a cement truck to come And help solidify the shifting and tenuous nature of my existence A wet and sloppy solution A solution to be raked and smoothed, covered and cured Something to build a monument on Or a place to park my car The nearby grass looks lush and green But I dare not leave apprehension alone or it spreads I stand with it on bad days And against it on good ones I pray for the mixer to arrive Or at least the gravel spreader I need to fill this hole so it can be a life And stop being a grave. |
Once again, Sherrie, you did it. You touched my very inner self that I do not share easily with anyone with today's post. Thank you so much for sharing with all of us.
There is a reason why all this time since I've been registered I was not really reading/posting on the planet, and all of a sudden I started up about a month ago...in that time I have joined two 12 step programs, worked most of the steps, become a much better woman, and actually feel so much better about my life in general. I was not ready to be here when I registered, but I am now. This thread is where I feel good, and have friends who get it, get me. To those that read this thread, thank you for being here. I feel so blessed. :gimmehug: |
April 13
Neither Frog nor Fish I was falling and my Higher Power caught me in a net called AA, all of which was a pretty neat trick, but the strangest consequence of this is now I somehow think it shouldn’t be possible for me to drown. Defying gravity 24 hours at a time doesn’t make me aquatic or even amphibious for that matter. I still have all the corollary restrictions of anyone who is me. I still need sleep and water, food and warmth just like a mere mortal. How silly I am. I dodge a bullet and suddenly I think I am waterproof. Don’t exchange your trinkets for your tools * WHAMMO I have been hopping on one foot With a ball of hope shoved under one arm And a ball of hysteria under the other I wish I could tell from the outside of the ball Which one is hope- I worry I will put down the wrong one So I hold onto both My life is sorely limited by the baggage And I fear I am losing life with every hop A lack of information is my problem I don't adequately know the properties of either And suspect my every interpretation Finally I stand before my sponsor To ask the question of my life- That's easy Honey Hope is the one that bounces back Is all she had to say |
April 14
Who to Ask “You ask good questions and you ask the right people,” said my sponsor. “I ask questions because I need answers,” my reply. “Do you know how many people need answers and never ask?” she quipped. “I ask my friends, no stroke of genius there,” I continue. “You ask your playmates, you ask the people you trust enough to have fun with. You don’t realize how clever that is. You know lots of folks who work hard and you could ask your questions of these, but instead you save them for those diligent ones who still know how to play and that, Sweetie Pie is proof that you are no dummy.” You may mute your horn, but don’t soap your bow * CRUMPLED PETALS IN MY POCKET I can't bring back the bloom Cohesion, lost ripeness Is left only to memory I carry home the parts Folded, petite, fragrant bedding For my wistful desires I put these colored remnants into a jar of salt I make an aromatic rub For the sweetest wounds Transforming the parts to useful duty Doesn't restore the flower It doesn't pay tribute to the past, it is survival I have a mind filled with roses but I must make hay Today I live, today the rose is dead Its pieces in my pocket I don't die with the blossom Though my head blows in the wind The rose runs its course, I run mine. |
I gots me some spiritual malady all over the place today.
Uncomfortable feelings up the wazoo! Feeling nuts! |
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I hope your day gets better. Maybe a call to your sponsor, or a little reading in the big book? Please be gentle with yourself. |
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I've been phoning addicts today but it's a family day for many and no-one's free as yet. M'sponsor will be free to speak a little later this evening thankfully. So, to make m'self feel better I'm gonna get outta these four maddening walls at home and go try write my journal and do some step writing whilst enjoying a fancy schmancy coffee in town. Reading some recovery literature would be good too, thanks for reminding me. :thumbsup: It's that being gentle with ourselves that's so hard to do when all we/I want to do is punish myself for being such a numpty and so selfish. :sigh: |
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it always helps me maybe some writing to let some of what is on your mind go |
finally doing a 4th step on my break up I've put it off for months using sexual seeking as a pleasant distraction, but now I have to come to terms with the fact that the distraction is more harmful than the the step work
I need to face myself so I can move forward without risking anymore serenity or my recovery crying a lot of course pausing in between columns this is tough having listed everything has been hurt or threatened so it goes was a memorial yesterday and saw an ex seemed to catapult the loss into a place that needs addressing was at least able to be of service that helped woke up feeling sick- probably emotional hangover Help me be willing to be willing to heal so I can be of greater service to you and my fellows |
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And my most recent 4th (on my ex) was necessary but not fun. I suggest lots of meetings while going through it. And the great news is that it really did make most of the resentments ago away. And I got to look at what I really want in a future partner which gave me a sense of hope and joy. Good luck. And hopefully you won't have to do as many 4th steps as I've had to. And thanks for your post. It made me realize that I have to get back to my daily 10. |
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needed ones to many one the relationship now gone long before it was gone thanks for your honesty about the resentments- I need to know the truth. but more importantly I know too if i dont begin to look at my part- I cannot make room to heal those parts to be a better me and now what I will want in the future in a partner and as a partner :) I have increased my mtgs over the last 4 months since the relationship ended thanks for the reminder though -KC |
I've been thinking...when I am ready to start dating, I will make it a point to try to date someone who is in recovery and doing at least fairly well. I think knowing and following the 12 step program is such a healthy thing to do, and would always help a relationship. At least next time I start dating someone, I will be able to see the red flags much, much sooner having at least a year's recovery time or more. I am excited about the person I have become, and am becoming thru the power of the program and my own hard work. It's certainly not easy, but it is worthwhile, and life saving work.
Happy Monday my friends! |
April 15
Chickens and Eggs Who is more sober the early riser or the long-timer? How do we get here and what does it mean. It all starts with a day, which is good because this is more than we had hoped for, sometimes more than we could do. Then it moved into an ever escalating game of can you beat this, each day an improvement over what had been accomplished the day before. For years the standard bearer is the pain or relief of the very first in this string, orbs of 24, yet here stands the question, “Is the essence the last pearl you touch or the total of the strand, which makes it real?” I don’t know for sure. Sobriety is like light; is light made up of waves or is it made up of particles and the answer is invariably yes, for it is. And what you need and how you look at it seems to make the determination, scientific method or no, the watched is affected by the watcher and vice versa. The end is a day round and imperfect as any and what is strung between the beginning and the end is what you’ve made of it. Never underestimate bitterness * ESCAPING THROUGH THE CEILING Up and away is my motto Upwardly mobile is my goal If I can flee without leaving a track I'm clean No heart wrenching walk down the isle or lane No dust on my shoes, no possibility of stumbling Grace at all cost Empowerment through elevation If I must leave my human plane to attain this, so be it Give up my natural rights, such is life But yet, if I lose my bonds to earth What did the leaving gain me? I arise, to appear better As a result, I appear not at all |
<<<doesn't wanna date another recovery nutter :tinfoil:
Thanks for your suggestions Kc; I did those things - reaching out to other addicts, journal writing, a long chat with the ever patient Ms.Sponse., and made a start on step 4 writings...one question completed is better than no questions completed. Wouldn't ya know it, all that action helped :cheesy: It became apparent through doing step three writings that action, and the discipline to act, is the key to it all. A simple notion that took so long for this complicated being to 'get it'. :rolleyes: SuddenlyWestFemme ..memory lapses about step 10 :rofl: I'm so grateful that folks are coming here and sharing. I sometimes feel so alone in my area as there are precisely 4 other gay folks...none of whom ID as queer and none of whom seem to have any concept at all of butch/femme dynamics...not that they need to but it just contributes to the notion that there's no-one like me in my area. A little identification with folks who really are like me makes a whole load of difference. Thanks y'all :pendulum: |
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I like finding out that folks with 20 and 30yrs clean/sober still do step work. What comes after Step 12?...Step one of course :cheesy: Complacency is a killer isn't it? If we don't keep actively working on our programme then we're buggered! Feeling all powered up from tonight's meeting. I don't think it was any con-incidence that on this gloriously sunny evening it was a small meeting ;) No matter though, it was a wonderful small meeting. It was fabbalus to acknowledge our lovely treasurer G's 6yr and new dood M's 30 day clean times during our clean-time countdown tonight. It was awesome to see just how stoked young M was with himself at not only reaching 30 days but managing to get through a few really dark days of the soul in this last week without using. I love it when ya see newcomers 'get it' :cheerleader: |
April 16
Not Fur but Fin You can’t delay the river, I’ve tried, all it does is distort. I block the flow and swamp ensues, mighty oaks waist deep in water. The current is strong and I fear being swept away, not realizing I was born to swim. Dreading the swim back for spawn I try to stay too close to my origins, never make it to open water, never to live the life I was intended for. I’ve heard it said, “Don’t push the river it flows by itself,” but I can’t stall it either. Line up the little endearments offered you * FEEDING THE MONSTER Who will feed the monster, once they’ve made her? Her hunger burns in her like a beacon Should I let her starve? Should I put her on rations of old crust and tepid water? Rebuke her as if she were her own idea Possibly bind her hands and cover her eyes Stand her in line with the good girls and fit her in Turn her visage from her desire and tell her to forget? Hold her hand and tell her that’s enough? When I stand in the face of her yawning hunger What do I say---It's for your own good? Well that's what THEY said too. |
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