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May 30
Loneliness vs. being alone “Sharing with others keeps us from feeling isolated and alone.” Basic Text, p. 85 ––––=–––– There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Being lonely is a state of the heart, an emptiness that makes us feel sad and sometimes hopeless. Loneliness is not always alleviated when we enter into relationships or surround ourselves with others. Some of us are lonely even in a room full of people. Many of us came to Narcotics Anonymous out of the desperate loneliness of our addiction. After coming to meetings, we begin to make new friends, and often our feelings of loneliness ease. But many of us must contend with loneliness throughout our recovery. What is the cure for loneliness? The best cure is to begin a relationship with a Higher Power that can help fill the emptiness of our heart. We find that when we have a belief in a Higher Power, we never have to feel lonely. We can be alone more comfortably when we have a conscious contact with a God of our understanding. We often find deep fulfillment in our interactions with others as we progress in our recovery. Yet we also find that, the closer we draw to our Higher Power, the less we need to surround ourselves with others. We begin to find a spirit within us that is our constant companion as we continue to explore and deepen our connection with a Power greater than ourselves. We realize we are spiritually connected with something bigger than we are. ––––=–––– Just for today: I will take comfort in my conscious contact with a Higher Power. I am never alone. Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved |
We know "family values" very well. We preserve them.
Malcolm Boyd We've discovered, as members of our communities, how much love and loyalty we have to share with other lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender friends and with people in recovery. Whatever our needs or problems, there is someone willing to share his or her wisdom and expertise with us; however lonely we feel, there is someone we can call who will try to understand what we're going through. When we have the willingness to reach out for support, we will find it. We have much to give others in our communities. We have held out a hand to newcomers, listened to those in pain, helped care for the sick, and shared our talents and visions. We've been staunch in our support of one another and of our shared values. We've protested and celebrated together. We've held each other's hands in healing circles. We know that we can continue to count on others and be counted on. As the message on a pin worn at gay and lesbian rights marches says, "Love makes a family." Today, I cherish my chosen family. |
May 31
Black & Dedication The brand of equipment endorsed by my Higher Power is built so that my hand is clasped inside lest I feel alone or unaided. A closed mouth and an open mind work very well when I can manage either of them and Step 10 works when I can’t. I am usually the problem in my life but I am always the solution. Others may change and contribute; I am the one and only one, responsible for my happiness. Dropping blame from my vocabulary and adding responsibility, learning to differentiate between what is mine and what is yours; these tools are keys and they open worlds of possibility to me. Also they shut out the demons of wrong thinking, wrong acting and desperation, which used to plague me. There are still greater tools I yearn for but like everything I must be patient and build my muscles to handle the heavier machinery. Dine with hope * GULPING The plug that lodges in my throat From too much, too fast Causes the anxiety to rise in me. The panic fills my contracting muscles Into rock solid revolt. I can’t live, is the predictable result Gulping attention, acclaim, excitement, sex, Does the same thing My heart clots and my personality stops in mid-flow Everything in carefully chosen, well chewed bites Makes the process proceed My life works along workable paths If I stay away from oversized freight I can never swallow myself whole Why would I keep trying to imbibe giants like desire? |
May 31
Keep it simple “We live a day at a time but also from moment to moment. When we stop living in the here and now, our problems become magnified unreasonably.” Basic Text, p. 99 ––––=–––– Life often seems too complicated to understand, especially for those of us who’ve dodged it for so long. When we stopped using drugs, many of us came face to face with a world that was confusing, even terrifying. Looking at life and all its details, all at once, may be overwhelming. We think that maybe we can’t handle life after all and that it’s useless to try. These thoughts feed themselves, and pretty soon we’re paralyzed by the imagined complexity of life. Happily, we don’t have to fix everything at once. Solving a single problem seems possible, so we take them one at a time. We take care of each moment as it comes, and then take care of the next moment as it comes. We learn to stay clean just for today, and we approach our problems the same way. When we live life in each moment, it’s not such a terrifying prospect. One breath at a time, we can stay clean and learn to live. ––––=–––– Just for today: I will keep it simple by living in this moment only. Today, I will tackle only today’s problems; I will leave tomorrow’s problems to tomorrow. Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved |
Without guests, the sweetest and healthiest food tastes bitter to the soul.
Michel Abehsera We have loving friends, a supportive community, a path of growth and healing, and habits that help us maintain a relationship with our spirit. When we acknowledge how full and developed our lives are, it's easy and natural to share our wealth with others. Our smiles as we enter a room and greet others, the energy of our positive approach to life, our willingness to listen-all these are nurturing and life giving to those with whom we come into contact, both friends and strangers. Giving to to others doesn't always have to involve long hours or arduous work. Simply showing up, genuinely paying attentions to what someone has to say, and offering a word or look of encouragement can help others feel welcome at the feast we ourselves are nourished by. Generosity comes easily when we see how far we'we already come and how rich we truly are in the things that matter most. Today, I share my life's abundance with others. |
June 1
I’m not Brian I thought life was based on a system of ‘I will suffer and that will exempt you’. Then I would be horrified when you suffered, after I had already done so ahead of you. In an attempt to ease my dismay I would look to see who had broken the pact, you or me. Had I not endured sufficiently to protect you? Had you left the safety of the umbrella of sanctuary? Panic gives birth to blame and blame of course births nasty biting things that run loose and bury in all the tender spots. Now, the goals I tend are to end the breeding of those sharp and painful beasties, stop laying my neck upon the alter and start telling better jokes. Scramble cracked perceptions * DANCE OF DEATH Honeyed words pour from lips Shades of doubt color my mind Stained glass eyes look to blank walls And picture the gallery of imagination Attempting to sell it for hard currency Sirens sing from the throats of mute men The screams which rise in me fall on deaf ears Paradox feeds controversy but it needn’t Evolution from a cesspool is repugnant Though process is steady made Inertia is violent if that is from whence it came Afterbirth is always bloody and humans not always nice I must live and heal as others climb up and slide down I must keep the beat and forget the dance of death. |
May 31
Keep it simple “We live a day at a time but also from moment to moment. When we stop living in the here and now, our problems become magnified unreasonably.” Basic Text, p. 99 ––––=–––– Life often seems too complicated to understand, especially for those of us who’ve dodged it for so long. When we stopped using drugs, many of us came face to face with a world that was confusing, even terrifying. Looking at life and all its details, all at once, may be overwhelming. We think that maybe we can’t handle life after all and that it’s useless to try. These thoughts feed themselves, and pretty soon we’re paralyzed by the imagined complexity of life. Happily, we don’t have to fix everything at once. Solving a single problem seems possible, so we take them one at a time. We take care of each moment as it comes, and then take care of the next moment as it comes. We learn to stay clean just for today, and we approach our problems the same way. When we live life in each moment, it’s not such a terrifying prospect. One breath at a time, we can stay clean and learn to live. ––––=–––– Just for today: I will keep it simple by living in this moment only. Today, I will tackle only today’s problems; I will leave tomorrow’s problems to tomorrow. Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved |
Recovery depends on continuing revelation.
David Crawford Perhaps we sense that something is still standing in the way of our usefulness to our Higher Power, ourselves, and other human beings. We may be aware of a habit that feels addictive or of fears ore resentments that are holding us back, preventing us from fully using our gifts. Step Six suggests that we become entirely ready for change. This means letting go of our illusions about the ways we limit our freedom and happiness-letting go of any denials or excuses. It means trusting that out attitudes and behaviors are capable of transformation. It does not mean attempting to force situations in which our fantasies of control haven't worked before. Being entirely ready means that we're honest about what hasn't succeeded in the past and that we're willing to accept our Higher Power's help. Genuine honesty and openness to change are the essence of the humility we need in order to grow. Today, I look honestly at what stands in the way of my life's usefulness. |
June 2
Sick and tired “We wanted an easy way out.... When we did seek help, we were only looking for the absence of pain.” Basic Text, p. 5 ––––=–––– Something’s not working. In fact, something’s been wrong for a long time, causing us pain and complicating our lives. The problem is that, at any given moment, it always appears easier to continue bearing the pain of our defects than to submit to the total upheaval involved in changing the way we live. We may long to be free of pain, but only rarely are we willing to do what’s truly necessary to remove the source of pain from our lives. Most of us didn’t begin seeking recovery from addiction until we were “sick and tired of being tired and sick.” The same is true of the lingering character defects we’ve carried through our lives. Only when we can’t bear our shortcomings one moment longer, only when we know that the pain of change can’t be as bad as the pain we’re in today, are most of us willing to try something different. Thankfully, the steps are always there, no matter what we’re sick and tired of. The irony is that, as soon as we make the decision to begin the Twelve Step process, we realize our fears of change were groundless. The steps offer a gentle program of change, one step at a time. No single step is so frightening that we can’t work it, by itself. As we apply the steps to our lives, we experience a change that frees us. ––––=–––– Just for today: No matter what prevents me from living a full, happy life, I know the program can help me change, a step at a time. I need not be afraid of the Twelve Steps. Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved |
June 2
The Attention Tax Paying attention is the price exacted for living in this society. A taxation which is like a leach; it takes the life force, diverts my brain waves, claims the water rights to my river of thought. What is left I use to wash off what I can, never quite managing to feel clean or clear. I sit in the mud puddle still unsure if I understand what just happened; harboring a dark fear of the wave to come. Cultivate creative ambition * BOTTLE THE ACID My sponsor said “bottle the acid” and I did I sat back in smug reflection until the plumbing backed up I grabbed the fast solution and poured it down the drain. My sponsor smiled as I learned ---- The baser things will eat my life away too. I can never just decant power and expect it to clean sweep The clogged pathways in my recovery. Sloshing caustic medicine into open orifices brought me here I long for the ease of a liquid resolution In the end, I must clean the pipes myself. The traps are simpler to cleanse the less I’ve lied Telling myself I don’t have to get my hands Or heart dirty is the biggest lie of all. |
June 3
Soul Chiggers If you can seed apprehension deeply in a generation, you can reap disillusionment for a hundred years. Bent foresight twists hindsight. Admiring ignorance, signs death’s warrant. Evil splintered to a thousand slivers burrows under the skin without killing their host. Death delayed spreads destruction along with melancholy; a septic contagion if ever there was one. And how do we fight this systemic blight? It is embedded in the water, the air, the mind, and try what I might; I can’t seem to live without any of these. Chiggers of the soul feed and breed no matter how I scratch and chew. I am raw, but still infested. How do I kill what is in me without killing the me? Step up to indecision * THE WORM Because there is never enough punishment For those who inflict pain, I punish myself Only I can tell if the depth of the pain is a match Only I can judge when enough is enough. This is the turn of the drunken worm-- Who lives in my brain The belief that what began in pain Must end there too. Even now in recovery I persist in hurting myself In a thousand tiny ways, setting trap after trap, To catch the perpetrators, making my heart a mine field A place unfit for me to live I must sober the worm And let myself off the hook. |
June 3
Direct and indirect amends “We make our amends to the best of our ability.” Basic Text, p. 40 ––––=–––– The Ninth Step tells us to make direct amends wherever possible. Our experience tells us to follow up those direct amends with long-lasting changes in our attitudes and our behavior—that is, with indirect amends. For example, say we’ve broken someone’s window because we were angry. Looking soulfully into the eyes of the person whose window we’ve broken and apologizing would not be sufficient. We directly amend the wrong we’ve done by admitting it and replacing the window—we mend what we have damaged. Then, we follow up our direct amends with indirect amends. If we’ve acted out on our anger, breaking someone’s window, we examine the patterns of our behavior and our attitudes. After we repair the broken window, we seek to repair our broken attitudes as well—we try to “mend our ways.” We modify our behavior, and make a daily effort not to act out on our anger. We make direct amends by repairing the damage we do. We make indirect amends by repairing the attitudes that cause us to do damage in the first place, helping insure we won’t cause further damage in the future. ––––=–––– Just for today: I will make direct amends, wherever possible. I will also make indirect amends, “mending my ways,” changing my attitudes, and altering my behavior. Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved |
Sorry I have been able to not post the other reading for a couple days. I have had a lot of things happen in my life the past couple of days. I am not even sure how I am feeling. I do know, however how to work through these feelings. I am talking to people, I am writing stuff down, I am calling my sponsor, and reading the literature. I know this too shall pass, but being in the middle of it sure doesn't feel like it. Faith in the midst of the storm is very trying sometimes.
Thanks for letting me share. Aiden |
June 4
Head Wringing I have my say, though my fear is that I constantly repeat myself; very much the way a crow calls the same thing endlessly, but it all has different meanings to the crow. I would offer a code key to my readers if I could lay my hands on one. My mind whispers that the soothing people get from my work is like the calm induced by chanting monks. Possibly it is more the actor’s trick of reading repetitive lines each time putting the emphasis on a different word; a way of squeezing all the juice from nonsense. I jot ideas swearing these lines are to be found somewhere in my previous work, perhaps whole pages are redundant. Finally I stop this fight reminding myself I have but one voice and what I accuse myself of as similarity might merely be my style. Find satisfaction in the middle, too * OPEN WINDOWS I roll down the window in the rain Hoping reality will soak in with the droplets I tilt my face as I leave the car And let the water shower my features. The downpour is the jolt to living for which I have prayed I stand on my lawn and rinse the day out of my hair I clear my brain in the fresh rainwater. The driving rain pounds the house and trees But I feel massaged and cared for My skin reflexive, teaches my mind to absorb and hydrate I turn my thoughts to Greater Powers. Even if the doors have been closed I can open the windows And let the rain come in. |
Oh how I need to open that window and allow in the cleansing rain again.
My worm is getting all errrm wormy! :| Stuck...stuck in uncertainty. Can I, can't I. Only me can do this one. That step four resentment list has got me by the proverbials. Doing step work usually means I live it alongside writing it and I just don't want to be living in/with those resentments. I could write much about how I feel but don't feel safe enough. I guess I'll just put this bit out to the universe and the universal power. God grant me the serenity...willingness, courage and discipline to do what I have to do. |
Today is a new day and I am feeling much better. I am working through my feelings and not avoiding any of them. This is an amazing journey that in my wildest dreams I would have never guessed I would be this blessed.
Thanks for letting me share, Aiden |
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June 4
Build, don’t destroy “Our negative sense of self has been replaced by a positive concern for others.” Basic Text, p. 16 ––––=–––– Spreading gossip feeds a dark hunger in us. Sometimes we think the only way we can feel good about ourselves is to make someone else look bad by comparison. But the kind of self-esteem that can be purchased at another’s expense is hollow and not worth the price. How, then, do we deal with our negative sense of self? Simple. We replace it with a positive concern for others. Rather than dwell on our low self-esteem, we turn to those around us and seek to be of service to them. This may seem to be a way of avoiding the issue, but it’s not. There’s nothing we can do by dwelling on our low sense of self except work ourselves into a stew of self-pity. But by replacing our self-pity with active, loving concern for others, we become the kind of people we can respect. The way to build our self-esteem is not to tear others down, but to build them up through love and positive concern. To help us with this, we can ask ourselves if we are contributing to the problem or to the solution. Today, we can choose to build instead of destroy. ––––=–––– Just for today: Though I may be feeling low, I don’t need to tear someone down to build myself up. Today, I will replace my negative sense of self with a positive concern for others. I will build, not destroy. Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved |
June 5
Honest prayer “Although honesty is difficult to practice, it is most rewarding.” Basic Text, p. 96 ––––=–––– How difficult we find it to be honest! Many of us come to NA so confused about what really happened in our lives that it sometimes takes months and years to sort it all out. The truth of our history is not always as we have told it. How can we begin to be more truthful? Many of us find it the easiest to be honest in prayer. With our fellow addicts, we sometimes find that we have a hard time telling the whole truth. We feel certain that we won’t be accepted if we let others know us as we really are. It’s hard to live up to the “terminally hip and fatally cool” image so many of us portrayed! In prayer, we find an acceptance from our Higher Power that allows us to open our hearts with honesty. As we practice this honesty with the God of our understanding, we often find that it has a ripple effect in our communications with others. We get in the habit of being honest. We begin to practice honesty when we share at meetings and work with others. In return, we find our lives enriched by deepening friendships. We even find that we can be more honest with ourselves, the most important person to be truthful with! Honesty is a quality that is developed through practice. It isn’t always easy to be totally truthful, but when we begin with our Higher Power, we find it easier to extend our honesty to others. ––––=–––– Just for today: I will be honest with God, myself, and others. |
June 5
The Hope Diamond My guess is the same god that wants me stupid also wants me to suffer. I ask myself what could be all powerful about that? I wonder is G-d like a friend or a lover? I carefully chose my friends whereas my lover found me against my greatest plans and well thought out rules. And if this is to be like marriage, may I file for divorce if things go astray? Or am I stuck with this match, like I am stuck with my deformed ear there underneath my hat or fringe of hair? I never thought of my relationship with G-d like a necklace I could take on and off at will, though the more I study it seems this beautiful thing enhances my beauty if all is right and will strangle me if it gets hung up. Sort genius from fortune * RED ROSES From tight green buds come beautiful roses. From small verdant places I blossom too. I open to richness unexpected and fullness unbelieved. I look at crumpled laundry Never anticipating the look of clean sheets blowing on the line Doors I perceive as blocked by vast boulders Are thrown open by willingness. Who I am today is no one I recognize I didn’t see myself coming. I write though I can’t spell I love though my heart is broken. I think though my mind is warped And I trust though the amulet is long shattered. Promise is not a laid out plan but the continuum of change I can fight it or let it carry me where it goes. |
June 6
Eggshells and Bethlehem A stable is a place to keep a horse and in fairytales a place to birth a baby, but stable is the story I told myself about you. Solid, a model of strength and here you are a tripod, upright only if the pressure is evenly applied. I blame myself for lopsided need and try to find a way to keep this coupling standing. Stripped down to minor contact I wonder if you actually remember me and then I wonder if I remember myself. This is what is at stake, this is the trophy I lose when I fall for you and you fall down. Where is the girl I worked so hard to create? Broken eggshells litter the nest and I look for the chick I used to be. I fear losing you, I cry at the thought of losing us, I die at the loss of me. Graft beauty to stability * IN THE MEADOW Being the only tree in the meadow often leaves me feeling lonely I tell myself of the camaraderie I imagine in the forest These images are more poetic than real. I believe in community and support I think of the woods as a place apart From the complications of my exposed life. I shrug off the very real competition and struggle From sharing every inch of root space And the search for each square of sunlight. There is much joy in being an individual An eco-system of diversity allows me to fully develop I can spread my branches and my roots. I can offer shelter to those in need of my reaching and my shadow Tender flowers and tired birds find me a haven I have unique abilities in this field Space can feel lonely But it is full of possibilities. |
June 6
Recovery doesn’t happen overnight “The Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous are a progressive recovery process established in our daily living.” Basic Text, p. 99 ––––=–––– After some time in recovery, we may find we are faced with what seem like overwhelming personal problems, angry feelings, and despair. When we realize what’s going on, we may wail, “But I’ve been working so hard. I thought I was...” Recovered, maybe? Not hardly. Over and over, we hear that recovery is an ongoing process and that we are never cured. Yet we sometimes believe that if we just work our steps enough, pray enough, or go to enough meetings, we’ll eventually... well, maybe not be cured, but be something! And we are “something.” We’re recovering—recovering from active addiction. No matter what we’ve dealt with through the process of the steps, there will always be more. What we didn’t remember or didn’t think was important in our first inventory will surely present itself later on. Again and again, we’ll turn to the process of the steps to deal with what’s bothering us. The more we use this process, the more we’ll trust it, for we can see the results. We go from anger and resentment to forgiveness, from denial to honesty and acceptance, and from pain to serenity. Recovery doesn’t happen overnight, and ours will never be complete. But each day brings new healing and the hope for more tomorrow. ––––=–––– Just for today: I will do what I can for my recovery today and maintain hope in the ongoing process of recovery. Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved |
June 7
Discussions with my Disease “You’re not the girl I used to know.” “Not the girl you used to love is what you mean?” “You’re different is all I mean to say.” “The rest you leave there to rot, unsaid?” “Something has happened to you.” “Is it something that you do not like?” “I don’t know who you are anymore.” “Or is it that you never knew?” “One false move could break us up.” “All your moves are false why will one more cause such change?” Side with the tide * MAGIC WAND Why are you wearing that hat and waving That star studded stick, I ask my sponsor? Isn’t this what you want, a magic wand, she replied? Whatever are you talking about? I don’t want a wizard. Don’t you? You thought walking into your first meeting would Poof---make you all better, When that didn’t work, you held your breathe for 90 days. When that also proved a disappointment You let the air out of your blue face And started the white knuckle routine for a year. At the end of twelve months, you released your arthritic grip And started scheming for a new sponsor But the new wicked witch sent you scurrying back to me. Then it was a relationship with the undying love That would break the spell you are under. Now tell me again, How you don’t want me to use this magic wand on you? Said my sponsor with aplomb. I guess my behavior gave me away, Go ahead say your incantation. I closed my eyes and waited for her words. Show up and do the work Keep your mind open, she said As she waved the cudgel. That’s it----------I asked, Well yes-- but I have to come back every day She grinned |
Show up and do the work
Keep your mind open, she said As she waved the cudgel. That’s it----------I asked, Well yes-- but I have to come back every day She grinned ...and it really is that easy if we don't complicate it with our convoluted heads. :sigh: :hamactor: Still in the midst of horrid step four feelings - yeah those damn things! -and getting intense flashes of 'restless, irritable and discontent'. I'm so grateful for a good grounding in programme from those first 3 life saving steps. Without it and lovely Ms.Sponse (no matter how hard it is to get time with her) I'd be totally lost right now. No matter how hard it gets and how intense the negative feelings I'm grateful to my HP for the strength and courage to remain clean/sober today. |
June 7
Someone who believes in me “Just for today, I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.” Basic Text, p. 100 ––––=–––– Not all of us arrive in NA and automatically stay clean. But if we keep coming back, we find in Narcotics Anonymous the support we need for our recovery. Staying clean is easier when we have someone who believes in us even when we don’t believe in ourselves. Even the most frequent relapser in NA usually has one staunch supporter who is always there, no matter what. It is imperative that we find that one person or group of people who believes in us. When we ask them if we will ever get clean, they will always reply, “Yes, you can and you will. Just keep coming back!” We all need someone who believes in us, especially when we can’t believe in ourselves. When we relapse, we undermine our already shattered self-confidence, sometimes so badly that we begin to feel utterly hopeless. At such times, we need the support of our loyal NA friends. They tell us that this can be our last relapse. They know from experience that if we keep coming to meetings, we will eventually get clean and stay clean. It’s hard for many of us to believe in ourselves. But when someone loves us unconditionally, offering support no matter how many times we’ve relapsed, recovery in NA becomes a little more real for us. ––––=–––– Just for today: I will find someone who believes in me. I will believe in them. Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved |
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June 8
Enclosed Space In the echo chamber it is the cymbals which cause the most pain. The drums resound, deep and loud, but it is the crashing of brass that drives me wild. Cotton wool and sealing wax can not put my head at ease. Resonate walls with their hollow effects create the feedback loops of hurt, like the endless reflection of parallel mirrors the sounds come back to me with relentless repetition. Aural illusion might have been the idea, but chaos is the result and leaving the space between these ears will be, will allow, the band to play on without the benefit of my torment. Write the stories the clouds illustrate * BOUQUET I love the flowers in my garden Their upkeep is my solemn trust With my shears I must cut Clear and swift the runners Which detract from the health and structure. When fruiting is heavy I must spare the stalk And choose what stays and what needs to be taken I am scrupulous in my observation of form and function The bucolic scene thrives The pageant of color sweeps the rows I bend to nurture and stretch to prune I pay over much attention to the plucking And forget I need to bring the blooms home. |
June 8
The only requirement “This program offers hope. All you have to bring with you is the desire to stop using and the willingness to try this new way of life.” IP No. 16, For the Newcomer ––––=–––– From time to time we wonder if we’re “doing it right” in Narcotics Anonymous. Are we attending enough meetings? Are we using our sponsor, or working the steps, or speaking, or reading, or living the “right” way? We value the fellowship of recovering addicts—we don’t know what we’d do without it. What if the way we’re practicing our program is “wrong”? Does that make us “bad” NA members? We can settle our insecurities by reviewing our Third Tradition, which assures us that “the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using.” There aren’t any rules that say we’ve got to attend this many meetings or these particular meetings, or work the steps this way at this pace, or live our lives to suit these people in order to remain NA members in good standing. It’s true that, if we want the kind of recovery we see in members we respect, we’ll want to practice the kind of program that’s made their recovery possible. But NA is a fellowship of freedom; we work the program the best way for us, not for someone else. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using. ––––=–––– Just for today: I will look at the program I’m working in light of my own recovery. I will practice that program to the best of my ability. Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved |
June 9
Weight Problem I have trouble raising my 50 pound hand in meetings. In between meetings I have the problem of trying to dial the 500 pound phone, which leaves me with this 2,000 pound weight on my chest and no air to breathe, no life to lead. There is the difficulty of the relentless tyrant, my would be sponsor, the person I fail to ask. Plus, the home group that does not support me, since they do not know my name. All the while folks laugh and talk and have a good time, I can see none of them have suffered from my weight problem. Continue to move into your home * CLONING DAYS The novelty of sobriety causing sweet days Wore to gauze and I attempted control I cut, pasted and sutured elements of good living In an effort to make 24 hours of personal perfection. I was so sure I could replicate these jewel days I would make perfect spheres, everything round and even One after another like a string of pearls The more I tried the harder God laughed Days are their own planets Saturn is different from Mars And today will have as little to do with tomorrow If I let it all work out. Perfection is a thing which is born to live Not a thing I can draft in a dish or test tube Life will-out Or chaos will prevail. |
June 9
Old dreams needn’t die “Lost dreams awaken and new possibilities arise.” Basic Text, p. 91 ––––=–––– Most of us had dreams when we were young. Whether we dreamed of a dynamic career, a large and loving family, or travels abroad, our dreams died when our addiction took hold. Anything we ever wanted for ourselves was cast away in our pursuit of drugs. Our dreams didn’t go beyond the next drug and the euphoria we hoped it would bring. Now in recovery, we find a reason to hope that our lost dreams could still come true. No matter how old we are, how much our addiction has taken from us, or how unlikely it may seem, our freedom from active addiction gives us the freedom to pursue our ambitions. We may discover that we’re very talented at something, or find a hobby we love, or learn that continuing our education can bring remarkable rewards. We used to put most of our energy into spinning excuses and rationalizations for our failures. Today, we go forward and make use of the many opportunities life presents to us. We may be amazed at what we’re capable of. With our foundation of recovery, success, fulfillment, and satisfaction are within our reach at last. ––––=–––– Just for today: Starting today, I’ll do whatever I can to realize my dreams. Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved |
June 10
Abraxas I was waiting for a magic person and then you appeared. I was dazzled; I was under your spell. In an attempt to prove myself, your natural assistant, I sawed me in two. Then I stepped into the vanishing cabinet and promptly disappeared. I was not wrong to see the miraculous in you, but I never looked from your visage once you arrived. The world around me melted at your entrance and I flowed down the drain along with it. I somehow expected a response from you, but why respond to an empty room? So, I will plug back into myself and power up. Power draws power and I will see if I can draw you once again. Keep a truce on hand for later use * THE LANDING Risers and runners lift from where I stand Here I make my decision I climb and face the challenges of my life Each new test returns me to this square The steps ascend in every direction No matter how many times I have scaled this set of twelve I must start anew with even the slightest change of direction Like facets on a diamonds base The flights emerge from the tiny base And hold the world of possibilities Within their meticulous surface I look into these precious mirrors To see who I am and where to go Though none of this would be possible Without a place to stand. |
June 10
Changing motives “When we finally get our own selfish motives out of the way, we begin to find a peace that we never imagined possible.” Basic Text, p. 45 ––––=–––– As we examine our beliefs, our actions, and our motives in recovery, we’ll find that sometimes we do things for the wrong reasons. In our early recovery, we may have spent a great deal of money and time on people, wanting only for them to like us. Later on, we may find that we still spend money on people, but our motives have changed. We do it because we like them. Or perhaps we used to get romantically involved because we felt hollow inside and were seeking fulfillment through another person. Now our reasons for romantic involvement are based in a desire to share our already rewarding lives with an equal partner. Maybe we used to work the steps because we were afraid we’d relapse if we didn’t. Today we work the steps because we want to grow spiritually. We have a new purpose in life today, and our changing motives reflect that. We have so much more to offer than our neediness and insecurities. We have developed a wholesomeness of spirit and a peace of mind that moves our recovery into a new realm. We extend our love and share our recovery with complete generosity, and the difference we make is the legacy we leave to those who have yet to join us. ––––=–––– Just for today: In recovery, my motives have changed. I want to do things for the right reason, not just for my personal benefit. Today, I will examine my motives. Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved |
June 11
Prize Catch There is a reason that fish flap and twist when they are caught, why even though they are in the air they fight for the life that once was theirs, only martyrs go without a fight, it is good to know that at least this vice is not mine. When I did not love my life its loss was not an actual change, there was nothing to hold onto, nothing to struggle for. Now I thrash at the feel of my loved life slipping from me. It is good to know I have passion enough to rally a defense. My life can be taken from me, but I haven’t lost my will to fight. Turn confusion until its smooth * THE PALMIST Last night I had a silly dream. I was in a tent at a carnival and the woman across the table Held my hand so dear, looked into my eyes and said “Today you will go to a meeting which will save your life” I thanked her and left full of anticipation. When I awoke, I was filled with the same strong sensation I rose, washed and left for the meeting with anticipation. I paid close attention to the coffee maker, Those setting up chairs with me and the newcomer I listened carefully to the speakers And the sound of the group’s voice closing in prayer Nothing out of the ordinary happened Other than my realization that Every meeting saves my life. |
June 11
Living clean “As we recover, we gain a new outlook on being clean.... Life can become a new adventure for us.” Basic Text, p. 91 ––––=–––– The using life is not a clean one—no one knows this better than we do. Some of us lived in physical squalor, caring neither for our surroundings nor ourselves. Worse, though, than any external filth was the way most of us felt inside. The things we did to get our drugs, the way we treated other people, and the way we treated ourselves had us feeling dirty. Many of us recall waking too many mornings just wishing that, for once, we could feel clean about ourselves and our lives. Today, we have a chance to feel clean by living clean. For us addicts, living clean starts with not using—after all, that’s our primary use for the word “clean” in Narcotics Anonymous. But as we stay “clean” and work the Twelve Steps, we discover another kind of clean. It’s the clean that comes from admitting the truth about our addiction rather than hiding or denying our disease. It’s the freshness that comes from owning up to our wrongs and making amends for them. It’s the vitality that comes from the new set of values we develop as we seek a Higher Power’s will for us. When we practice the principles of our program in all our affairs, we have no reason to feel dirty about our lives or our lifestyles—we’re living clean, and are grateful to be doing so at last. “Clean living” used to be just for the “squares.” Today, living clean is the only way we’d have it. ––––=–––– Just for today: I feel clean because I’m living clean—and that’s the way I want to keep it. Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved |
June 12
Dido Either I can have a bad relationship that I never wanted or no relationship and the painful isolation of having been lied to and deceived by someone who, in theory, should have been trustworthy. You are off to war and I am agape not having realized until too late that you are a soldier. The fact is that one of these things will occur; you will be killed by a machine which cares nothing for you and sees you as its enemy or destroyed by the organization that sees you as its own or you will throw yourself on your sword and keep from bothering anyone else with this task. There is no scenario where you are the One you promised me you’d be. No homecoming, no welcoming arms to hold me. I stand on the sidewalk a garbage pail of cold water poured over my shock and dismay. To my grief you say that you have heard it all before, so why did you set me up to say it all again? I am heart stricken and cut in a place to obvious to hide and too hidden to speak of. You have no time to talk, no aid to give, no love to spare. I thought I was yours, but see that I have been swept from your life by the flood of a large gauge hose and water of questionable origin. Everything is wet but nothing is clean. This is an unholy act and I am defeated and living in Carthage. Forgive loneliness * FABULOUS I don’t care what else is on the inventory----- You still have to take responsibility for FABULOUS Said my sponsor with a determined look on her face. But you don’t understand------ The other things on the list make it impossible For me to be FABULOUS You can’t see how incapable I truly am, I say As I collapse into a pathetic heap in the overstuffed chair. What you don’t comprehend is that FABULOUS Is not affected by your other little grumblings You can’t tarnish FABULOUS It doesn’t wear away with burden or neglect . This is why no matter how far you bury it Or misname it, or even flatly deny it FABULOUS shines like a beacon And you end up with every Todd, Nick and Martha On your doorstep. Expecting you to be who you are And let them warm in the glow So my cherub--you can fight it or live with it But FABULOUS is here to stay |
June 12
A vision of hope “Yes, we are a vision of hope...” Basic Text, p. 53 ––––=–––– By the time we reached the end of our road, many of us had lost all hope for a life without the use of drugs. We believed we were destined to die from our disease. What an inspiration it was, then, coming to our first meeting and seeing a room full of addicts who were staying clean! A clean addict is, indeed, a vision of hope. Today, we give that same hope to others. The newcomers see the joyful light in our eyes, notice how we carry ourselves, listen to us speak in meetings, and often want what we have found. They believe in us until they learn to believe in themselves. Newcomers hear us carry a message of hope to them. They tend to see us through “rose-colored glasses.” They don’t always recognize our struggle with a particular character defect or our difficulties with improving our conscious contact with our Higher Power. It takes them time to realize that we, the “oldtimers” with three or six or ten years clean, often place personalities before principles or suffer from some other unsightly character defects. Yes, the newcomer sometimes places us on a pedestal. It is good, though, to openly admit the nature of our struggles in recovery for, in time, the newcomer will be walking through those same trials. And that newcomer will remember that others walked through that difficulty and stayed clean. ––––=–––– Just for today: I will remember that I am a beacon to all who follow in my path, a vision of hope. Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved |
June 13
Sanitized All the water in the well gone dry belongs to me. Such an offer, how could I refuse? I stand as near the edge as I can get and try my best to peer, is the goldfish alive? For you see this is still my best hope, you, the source are also my wishing well, more than just survival you are prospect, neigh dream. You say that what’s left is mine, but you think of it as incidental, not a need, merely a want. Someplace deep, beyond where you admit, you know that life is dependant on desire, but will play mine off as casual when it becomes inconvenient to your drives and blindness. Eunuchs do not immediately perish, but you must confess they do not live. I stand here a lock to which there is no longer a key and whether I am open or closed it doesn’t matter for the partnership of change is desiccated and I do not care for a waterless solution. Check yourself for false steps * INVENTORY When you say “self” who do you mean Asked my sponsor Do you mean the lovely velvet child, Or the façade you built to show others? Well I wish I could answer you, I do, my reply. I see the shrine you construct in your sobriety I love that you made it. When you talk about ridding yourself of self-- I doubt you mean this edifice. Do you speak of some creature in the past Do you know of whom you speak Are you parroting, then assuming this thing exists Solely for you to now dispose of it? I thought “self” was self-evident- I feebly interject. I want names and locations If you only suspect some of these entities Please provide me with a full accounting of your suspicions I also want, to the best of your ability, the origin of these individuals I am unwilling to cosign their disposal without a proper bookkeeping I see by the bright look on your face, I have made myself clear, she said with conviction. So this is what you meant by self-inventory, I say and sigh. |
June 13
A full life “The program works a miracle in our lives.... We become free to live.” Basic Text, p. 11 ––––=–––– Most of us—if we’ve been in recovery for any length of time at all—have heard some member complaining in a meeting about being terribly overworked, too busy for meetings or sponsorship or other activities. In fact, we may have been the complaining member. The days seem so full: job, family and friends, meetings, activities, sponsorship, step work. “There just aren’t enough hours in the day,” the member complains, “to get everything done and meet everyone’s demands on my time!” When this happens, usually there’s soft laughter from some of the other members—probably members who had planned to grumble about the same sort of thing. The laughter stems from our recognition that we are complaining about the miracle of the life that is ours today. Not so long ago, few of us were capable of having any of these “problems” in our life. We devoted all of our energy to maintaining our active addiction. Today we have full lives, complete with all the feelings and problems that go with living in reality. ––––=–––– Just for today: I will remember that my life is a miracle. Instead of resenting how busy I am, I will be thankful my life is so full. Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved |
June 13
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. African American Spiritual We've been blessed by our leaders and mentors, men and women of originality and vision, people with the courage to come out, speak their truths, and show through the power of their example more about who we are and what we value. Wherever we have been, whatever we've done, we, too, have our own particular vision and gifts. Our willingness to share our experience, strength, and hope, whether in recovery meetings or our lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender communities, is an offering to others like us. We rarely know just what it is that others take away from being with us. As we speak and live our truths, we may be unaware of the importance of the small details that touch, nourish, and begin to heal someone else. Our goal need not be to change others. We must simply let our light shine in the world. Each of us is here for a reason. Each of us is necessary. Today, I do not hide my light. |
June 14
Maintaining our faith “If we maintain our spiritual condition daily, we find it easier to deal with the pain and confusion.” Basic Text, p. 95 ––––=–––– When we first began searching for a Power greater than ourselves, many of us got stuck in old beliefs or ideas. These ranged from the fear of a punishing or vengeful God to no belief at all. Some of us felt we had done such terrible things that a loving Power would never have anything to do with us. Others were convinced that the “bad” things that happened to us would not have occurred if a loving Power had actually existed. It took time, effort, open-mindedness, and faith to acquire a working belief in a loving Higher Power that would guide us through life’s challenges. Even after we come to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, our old ideas can come back to haunt us. Major setbacks in our lives and the insecurity such events can trigger may give rise to the return of our old, inadequate ideas about God. When this happens, we need to assure ourselves that our Higher Power has not abandoned us but is waiting to help us make it through the hard times in our recovery. No matter how painful our loss may be, we will survive our setback and continue to grow if we maintain the faith our program has given us. ––––=–––– Just for today: I have worked hard to build my faith in a loving, caring Higher Power that will guide me through life’s challenges. Today, I will trust that Power. Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved |
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