I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.

The priest asks, Is that you, little Joey Pagano?

Yes, Father, it is.

And who was the girl you were with?
I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say, says Joey
Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?
I'll never tell
Was it Nina Capelli?
I'm sorry, but I cannot name her Father
Was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed.
Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, What'd you get?

I got four months vacation and five good leads!

only in florida
 

So I was on my way home - I was sorta out in the country, and as I am driving I see the start of advertising signs for the upcoming fruit/veg stand

Plant City Strawberries

Sweet Corn

Big Ass Tomatoes :blink:

Hi Gemme

So your saying Big Ass Tomatoes are a specific kind of tomato?

LOL ok, just clarifying, since everything is bigger in Texas, that maybe you had some kind of funky new tomatoes.

Used to love eating at Dinosaur BBQ in Syracuse when we lived there....but it was always a little tricky at business lunches when what I really wanted to order was the "Big Ass Pork Plate."

Image hell....it was worth the momentary :| look that followed from co-workers.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, sits down and orders a drink. Shortly after, the monkey starts jumping all over the place and acting crazy. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them… grabs some sliced limes and eats them… then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, Did you see what your monkey just did? No, what? says the guy. He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole! says the bartender. Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and other things he ate. He the finishes his drink, pays the bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s back at the same bar again, monkey by his side as usual. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. Did you see what your monkey did? What this time? asks the patron. Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it! says the barkeeper.
Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first.

So theres a guy drowning in water, and a boat comes by and says do u need help, and the guy says no thank you, God will help me

so then he's still drowning, and another boat comes by and says do u need help, and the guy says no thank you, God will help me

so the man dies

goes to heaven

and asks God, why didn't u help me

and God says....

i sent TWO big boats u dummy

How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons. I love that joke.:hangloose::hangloose::jester::cigar2:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.



(Hardly seems worth it.)






If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.


(Now that's more like it!)






The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.


(O.M.G.!)






A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.


(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)






A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)


(I'm still not over the pig.)






Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.


(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)






The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.


(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)






The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.


(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)






The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.


(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)






Some lions mate over 50 times a day.


(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)






Butterflies taste with their feet.


(Something I always wanted to know.)






The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.


(Hmmmmmm.......)






Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.


(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)






Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.


(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)










A cat's urine glows under a black light.


(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)






An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.


(I know some people like that.)






Starfish have no brains.


(I know some people like that, too.)






Polar bears are left-handed.


(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)






Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.


(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)























=

Why did the tomato blush?

He saw the salad dressing :rofl:

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins

on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic

bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will

mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of

compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members

of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes

in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is

deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.


The male penguins then gather in a circle

around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

Yeah, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windshield, It said parking fine

that was nice of them

I’m cle’a[ni.ng m'y' ke]yb36oa;rd.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.