I am a well educated, fairly attractive, fairly successful female. I'm an adult and I know that I should not have to depend on how I am seen by others, or specifically by my partner for my self image. I don't know if I have a strong sex drive or not. I just know that if my partner puts energy into keeping me satisfied sexually, it will go a long way toward helping me be happy in the relationship as well. They will not be sorry for this effort on my behalf. In return, I will do everthing in my power to help them be happy.

But if my partner does not desire me sexually, does not seek me out for sexual intimacy, or respond positively when I seek them out, or if I am prevented by role boundaries that they set up from even being allowed to initiate sexual activity beween us, then, I'm sorry to say, as politically incorrect as it is, I START FEELING LIKE SHIT about myself.

If I share my feelings with them about my desire for sexual interaction with them, and they make excuses, make no effort to increase the level of sexual activity in our relationship, then I am sorry to say that things begin to go down hill between us. I begin to feel unloved and undesirable. I start noticing things that they are doing that I do not like, or which affect me negatively. I start running a tally in my head about who is doing "more" in the relationship. I review things that they have said to me, or told me they would do to see if they are keeping their word to me in other parts of our relationship. And I get ANGRY! I am meeting their needs, how can they choose to leave my needs unmet? My interest in pleasing them grows less. I begin to react negatively to them touching me in any way. I don't wish to kiss them or have any kind of intimacy. I want to sleep in a separate room. Leads to one f-d up relationship. And it makes me start looking for the door. I agree with Jo that while an intimate (in every non-sexual way) relationship is a wonderful thing to have, it is not what I want from my partner.

Medications may reduce desire, pain may make "positioning" more difficult, depression makes it harder, other activities get in the way, life happens, blah blah blah. As citybutch says, you have to commit to make time for each other and sexual interaction. Turn the television off, send the kids and grand kids home, take a pain pill or anti-depressant, pick a spot that is comfortable for you, and lets get at it.


Banish bed death from the world!!!

Smooches,
Keri

it depends on the couple and the priority sex takes for them. for some people sex isn't even near the top of the list as they get older. for some people it becomes increasingly important.

I know couples that are perfectly happy having sex once or twice a month. sometimes couples go through six months of no sex because of kids, jobs, stress, deaths, whatever. in the long run, if you are with someone for the rest of your life. I know I've gone months when really down without wanking when I've been on my own and its really hard to dump myself over it.

however I couldn't do that indefinitely with a partner.

this is why I think its important to get to know someone sexually first before making a commitment. I know.people are down on casual sex, but it's the only way I know how to get to know people sexually as well as intellectually and emotionally before I decide if its a good idea to commit to anything.

Thank for this forum!
 

The relationship I am in (which I have been for more than 5 years) is lacking in sex although not intimacy. We are still really close, but my partner admits that she might have a sexual problem because she doesn't have any sexual desire. This upsets me, because I tend to internalize and am also still very sexually attuned. I'm not sure how to help it. We've tried talking about it and making a schedule for it, but it never happens. For those who have had issues with this, what have you tried that has helped?

Keri, I can completely relate to what you said. I feel horrible when my partner doesn't want to be sexual with me as though I feel like I did something wrong or I am not attractive. I feel like I am attractive, but take it out on myself by emotionally eating (which I hate). She does make excuses but often blames herself for her lack of a sexual interest. I love her dearly, but how to amp sex...? I've tried talking toys, kink, etc. It's craziness.

Maybe thinking back to when your partner was sexual might help. What did she like? What turned her on? I don't know that planning sex is the best way to go as it seems like it becomes more of a chore at that point?? Maybe not but that's the way I might see it. Wear some sexy lingerie for her without telling her what you are doing. Play strip poker. See if she will let you give her a massage, relaxing her first and then maybe doing some things that she might consider sexy. Good luck to you and yours!

What SleepyButch said really resonates with me. Sexual intimacy ebbs and flows just like our daily routines and schedules. Sometimes, at least for me, it's a priority and other times it's the last thing on my mind. And then at other times I conversely long for physical touch or may be repulsed by it. I think that dynamic occurs for so many reasons; age, stress, physical limitations (whether actual or perceived), to name a few.

If you are invested for the long haul, then be patient and love her up when and if she is receptive to it. And have fun but don't over-think things too much.

My few pennies. :goodluck:

I generally have a high sex drive when partnered. Lesbian bed death only happened once that I know of. After some years, I found her ways becoming unattractive. When that happened, I no longer wanted to be sexual with her. Felt so guilty and bad about these confusing feelings for someone I had cared for at one time. Tried to hide it, which was wrong, by making myself once in a while only for her ... but that became really icky for me.
Had to part. It is really the person for me ... the whole person and not just a sexy body. It is her mind, the way she thinks, my not being bored with her conversation because it is not superficial.

my ramblings ...

....
 

I was. My lat 3 yrs relationship so non reliojish.

We don't enjoy I wish yer well I jut want her and me frock in ok!Z

I don't know your ages, but hormones and depression can sure kill a sex drive. Could she be overly stressed out? It could be that too. Is she on any medication that has libido side effects? That could be something you might want to ask her? I dunno. Just my thoughts.

....
 

Good GAWD! I need to wear my glasses and turn the lights on..... To avoid the above!

This speaks volumes. :rofl: :jester:

Speaking for myself only, when the emotional connection is severed, there is NO physical connection either. I must have an emotional connect.

However I understand that for some folks it's a physical issue. Hormones out of balance, disease, or injury. Depression is a biggie.

That said... it's kinda up to the individuals to decide a course of action or inaction.

....ok glasses on,good lighting The interpretation is as follows I was in one that had 3yr of death bed, not a loving relationship, I had to move on and I wish her well. We both deserve to be in compassionate loving relationships!

PS Clay is that better .....

True :) I can see how different circumstances can really play into a lack of sexual intimacy in general. Hmm...don't think too much...that is something I have to learn to definitely do. I guess that would be my biggest downfall sometimes.

Me too! I've always had a high sex drive, and everything was super peachy at the beginning of the relationship until it went *poof* and disappeared. Then, I began to internalize and wonder if it was me or was it her (and around and around I went in my head...thinking too much). Now, the question is how to bring it back and to do it in such a way that it was like when we first met, but if it can't happen, I guess if it doesn't end up being both ways, I'll have to re-evaluate.

It was very sexual at first and she used to drink a lot but doesn't drink now. I don't know if it was the alcohol or what, but our sexual relationship banished despite the fact that I am frustrated and want to have sex with her only to hear that she's tired or she thinks she has a sexual disorder or the fact that she works between 60-70 hours a week, and we are like passerbys in the night.

She used to be on meds for depression but is no longer, but her job...it's totally stressful I can tell. She works as a clinical director for a substance abuse facility but was doing the job of clinical director and two therapists at once. It was nuts! She comes home exhausted a lot. I'm thinking this has a lot to do with it, but I keep trying to figure out the happy medium :\

This is the ugliest term straights have ever thrown at us ...
 

and we discuss it like it's a fact about us.

What a terrible thing that heterosexual sexologist woman did. Such a horrible thing to come up with, just because those that took part in the survey don't have physical sex as often as straights and gay guys in the survey did.

I've put up with this crap for 3 decades ...enough is enough! Wouldn't it be ironic if we actually make love with our lesbian partners more often than the other 2 grouped categories do.

Love making for us lesbians encompasses so much more than just physical penetrative type sex practices. The depth of intensity between us is almost mind blowing. That woman probably wouldn't have a clue on how to even begin measuring our way of love making.

We lesbians should never sell ourselves short like this. Be mindful not to view yourself through their eyes!

been there done that
 

Love this topic. This has happened in two of my relationships.

Both of them were because I lost complete respect for my lover because of the way they treated me. They literally became unattractive to me over time because of this and the thought of sex with them was basically repulsive.

And these relationships were ON FIRE at first, but sex alone only gets you so far ...

I need sex 24/7..I need sex with women 24/7,period *coughs* or not! *snort*

My wife is happy if she has me every weekend..which makes me happy.

They say sex is not everything in a relationship,but to me,it's num.1 on my list.

No lesbian bed death here..unless you count me laying on a lesbian bed and,thinking about death??? :blink: