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don't think that you are alone! Most of us are holding on to something. |
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i know i avoided making this thread & then i finally pushed myself to.. Having done so, i rarely post in it, because i get anxious and am scared as well.. and in all honesty, i struggle with my recovery every single day still.. i still hang on to numbers, i still set myself up and i still am battling that inner bully and critic that just looooves to pick me apart and make me feel badly.. So i totally understand, and i know everyone here does as well.. You aren't alone... The reason i created this thread, was so i had a place to come at the end of a day , whether to celebrate any success or to share my challenges, because for me, sharing it helps me as much as it might help others..i didn't know if anyone would post, or not.. Hoped so, though! After having posted in here, i have gotten alot of advice from people (who don't post publicly) as well as the people who do post publicly in this thread, and it's all been very helpful to me.. The fact you posted in here today might even feel like having taken a first step for you, i know it did for me when i did - it's so hard to put it out here for all to see, and moreso even harder to be honest with ourselves.. and that's something we all understand here.. Give yourself a pat on the back for that . i am only in the beginning stages of Recovery myself, and i totally get the mixed emotions and confusion.. It's so easy to be hard on ourselves.. Post here anytime, & message me anytime (& i'm sure the others here as well feel the same).. The support & understanding is wonderful here.. & i know it really helps bring me some understanding, and helps me know i'm not alone, and that in itself is a huge help.. ♥ |
My name is Daddislilgrrl aka Lisa. I am a compulsive overeater and I have been in program for 3.5 years now. I am on steroids for lymphocytic colitis and it's been impossible for me to lose weight. However, the peace and sanity I have thanks to a strong program has saved me from myself. I no longer carry the compulsion to overeat, and I eat within my Plan of Eating. I don't believe in diets cuz frankly, they have never worked for me. I am also a gastric bypass patient who's bypass went horribly wrong.
I hope to talk to people who understand. Thanks for reading me and I would love to participate more. Hugs and love, Lisa |
Welcome Lisa ..
3.5 years, that's wonderful, good for you! i am currently working step one of the program in the workbook and i have strong days and challenging days - i am working on a stronger plan of eating as well with my sponsor and attending meetings as often as i can. Diets never work for me either, so far the program is helping me so much, i still have a lot of self-honesty and feelings to deal with i think .. Please do share and participate more, we'd love to hear more from you! (((hugggs))) |
Damn emotional rollercoasters.. Right now, i am struggling with showing my emotions and feelings.. This week has been difficult.. In my recovery work, i shared with a group one thing about my feelings on something, and i hit send.. i couldn't get it back, people could read it, and panic set in... i feel so overwhelmed, my character defects are so highly protected by me, i hold them close still.. i am still working on Step One in the workbook, and sometimes i feel like i am doing so good and then something happens to remind me that i still have so much to work through.. i know this isn't easy stuff..i also know it can't be rushed and i have to take it at the pace i need. (which is a very, slow.. long.. pace, apparently) or feels like it.. Guilt, i am loaded with so much guilt, about so many things.. Some of it healthy, most of it unhealthy things to feel guilt about.. So, that is why i panic when it comes to sharing my feelings.. a/i worry about what others think of me and what i say far too much and b/i have stuffed it all in since childhood and internalize , internalize, internalize.. So breaking through this well protected layer of myself has been challenging, and will continue to be challenging.. i come in here and share bits & pieces of my journey and recovery even though it feels so completely embarrassing because i know i learn from doing so as much as others might too. It keeps me accountable, and keeps me moving forward when i acknowledge the imperfections... Much as i try and try and try to do things perfectly, i am finally starting to accept i will not do things perfectly because i am NOT perfect.. And it's okay to have flaws.. So, this week is about staying positive, keeping myself afloat despite emotions with my grandmothers and family stuff, and it's about self-care.. Taking care of me, because i deserve this recovery.. It's about working through this hard stuff, remembering i am NOT alone, and keeping it real.. So, it's time to get to sharing the hard stuff, here & on my blog.. Despite my feeling so ashamed over my past choices, and patting myself on the back for the hard work i have done this passed year already.. Please know, that there are always people who care around, i am one of those people... When there are hard days, or hard weeks, shoot me a message.. i know most don't & won't post in this thread (and that's soooo very okay!) because i am overjoyed that i'm trusted enough to be there for you, in whatever way you need that.. And thank you all, for being willing to be there for me too.. i know my journey of recovery is really only just beginning.. It's scary, it's emotional - but so needed.. *takes a deep breath* i will be sharing the good, the bad & the ugly from now on.. saying this, now makes me accountable.. Reminder to myself in reading back: Take a deep breath, you've got this. |
dear sylvie...thank you for sharing your journey here. *hugs* i am thinking of you and sending love. speaking up and being honest (with ourselves) about our struggles is hard.
for you (or others in the thread)...has anyone worked on wrap (wellness recovery action plan) as part of their recovery process? it's something i've been working on lately since i have a really hard time with maintaining my recovery. it's a process by which you identify your wellness tools, support networks, etc. and what things are like for you when you're well and things you can do to cope when struggling. lately i've been struggling a LOT with maintaining good habits, like eating as often as i need to, as much as i need to, eating the things that i need to. (i've been skipping meals a lot and not eating enough.) i'm not actively hurting myself but i have been falling back into bad habits and i think i got complacent and forgot how much i need to stay accountable for taking care of myself. i have also been struggling with comparing myself to others...i have several friends who are also in recovery and have been talking about daily eating habits with one lately, and her food/caloric needs are a lot different from mine, and since i need more it's been a struggle not to feel like i'm "doing it wrong." if that makes any sense. |
Hmm well I have been avoiding admitting this publicly and even "try" or think I am hiding this from my friends and family but I know it is no secret. I see everyone watching my food intake and hear the probing questions which doesn't help my addiction or controlling behaviors with regards to food but that is my issue and not theirs to deal with.
I have come to a point where I am ready to be done with the control food and calorie counting have over my life. I have a long history of what some might call anorexia while I still carry much denial and simply call it not being hungry or too busy to eat which is BS and I know it. I obsess over carb and calorie counting as well as controlling the amount of fat grams I consume. I restrict all types of food especially meat and rarely eat in front of people....It is a ritual when I do eat. Everything is weighed out. Not sure how or why I got to this point but it is extremely unhealthy and I need to make this change. I have SLE and I know my eating habits are helping to hurt my overall health. I have no been in remission with my Lupus for some time now and the flares are constant. So there it is. I despise food and am a restrictive eater that borderlines on Anorexia. Not sure where to start but just wanted to purge |
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I am almost two years in recovery from anorexia. One of the hardest days of my early recovery was my first nutritionist appointment i wanted to hear "just eat, it's ok," but she gave me a meal plan that still required counting. i didn't truly recover until i let that go. i went on a trip to Paris and just couldn't see counting calories in that situation, and when i got back i had a new love and too much going on to have the energy to put into the rituals anymore i was really lucky that those two things happened close together like that, as they really created a big break between my old life and a new one. i know other people can't expect to get that lucky, so this isn't advice, just a story |
I want to personally thank each and everyone of you for sharing in this thread. It is not easy to talk about.
Keep Coming Back! ODAAT, Di |
Aishah, i would love to know more about WRAP, i have support networks and wellness tools, but not familiar with WRAP, that i know of anyway..
One thing i will say, is there isn't one person that my recovery, obsessive behaviors and needs for wellness have been identical with.. Everyone is different.. What works for you, can't be wrong - only we know ourselves and what works for us.. i have a lot of similarities and share a lot of things like other compulsive eaters and bulimics, but their plan of eating can be so completely different from my own.. It's hard not to compare, it's something i do often as well.. Be easy on yourself, stop and breathe often and ask yourself questions to figure out the feelings surrounding the behavior or thoughts...What you say makes total sense though, i get it, have been there, and often still am there... Thank *YOU* for sharing here as well, keep coming back! (((hugggs))) MissItalianDiva, thank you for posting and taking the step.. Welcome! i can soo relate with the numbers.. Counting calories consumed, doing the math and breaking down the calories burned, figuring out the difference from meals eaten the day before, weighing my food, measuring it all out, counting the steps i walk each day, -- the list goes on... Numbers consume me, if i let it.. i am currently doing a program called intuitive eating with my dietician (for eating disorders) and it comes from a book with that exact title, and it's helped me a great deal so far.. It has helped me to work through my diet mentality and let go of things that help me obsess (like my pedometer and calorie counting websites and diet magazines etc...) That was just the first step, it gets much more in depth.. This is my first experience with a dietician/nutritionist and while i am completely stubborn and never accept things when she tells them to me (it takes me weeks of accepting them on my own time, with argument, frustration and much grrr'ing, i'm sure..) it's truly one tool i have that helps me embrace this more and motivates me to work through it.. i'm really proud of you for taking the first step, we're all here for you! Keep coming back! (((hugggs))) Di, HI! Welcome and thank you!! So glad you are here with us... (((huggz))) |
missitaliandiva and di, i am so happy you are both in this thread :)
sylvie thank you for your sweet message! wrap is a sort of workbook-style recovery thing where you devise your own plan to maintain wellness. you write down what you are like when you are well, and daily/regular actions you need to do to be well; your 'wellness toolbox,' or things that help you stay well or help you when you are struggling; your triggers; what it looks/feels like when things start breaking down (usually at this stage you can tell something's wrong but others can't); what it looks/feels like when things are getting worse and others can tell something is wrong; and your crisis plan. your crisis plan can also be sort of an advanced medical directive in some states - you can dictate who you want to help you when you are in crisis, what treatments/medications/facilities, etc. you want and don't want, and what procedures you want to be followed in case you aren't able to make decisions for yourself. you can also put together a post-crisis plan for how to transition back to "normal." i'm not at a point now where i feel like i need a crisis plan but i'm grateful to have it to help develop one. i do really love the first parts though - i've found the daily maintenance plan/keeping track of what i need to do to stay well and what my "warning signs" are to be EXTREMELY helpful, because i find that i forget a lot of those when i'm in the middle of stress. this is the main wrap website: http://www.mentalhealthrecovery.com/wrap/ and here are some other useful sites in case you're interested :) http://psychcentral.com/library/id239.html http://www.mentalhealthaction.org/We...ctionPlan.aspx (the wrap part starts about halfway down the page) |
In my late 20's I was completely out of control...I would binge and purge, stay out drinking all night, screw anything in pants...desperately trying to feel something, anything to take away the pain I felt from childhood sexual abuse and the attempt to prove I wasn't gay. It all culminated with me marrying my daughter's father because he was a good man and I was going to be straight even if it killed me.
Well I'm okay with the lesbian part now, and I no longer "diet" in an attempt to lose weight; I have changed my eating habits to help my heart. BUT.... I still get the urge to binge and purge if I over eat, and I weigh every single day....sometimes twice a day. I know how easy it would be to slip back into the binge purge cycle, which is why I haven't really "dieted" in 20 years. I have to be in control when I diet, and it leads me straight to the b&p to regain control if I stray from the "allowed" calorie count. Thank you sylvie for starting this thread...as lady di says, ODAAT. |
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((((((((((((( Tinkerbelly )))))))))))))) i don't think the urge ever goes away, i struggle too. it's been 20 years for me and i still struggle. The urge is there but the control is there too. Getting rid of what you eat to me is a way to unload emotionally as well and therein lies the problem. i used to weigh in all the time and a couple of years ago the scale got taken away from me, that helped break the compulsion to stop weighing myself constantly but i thought about it every day. i am better about that now but i want to have control over that scale so i have worked on being able to have one without giving in to it. Baby steps. |
I guess I'm only as sick as my secrets.
I am a compulsive overeater and a bulimic, and I have been in recovery for about 24 years. I haven't made myself throw up in about 13 years. I have been struggling with bingeing which does make me want to purge. The structure of local meetings is too rigid for me and I am thinking about an outpatient rehab program. |
It always does my heart such good to see participation in this thread !! You all play a huge role in not only our recovery, but the ones who don't post in here for all to see.. so thank you all for sharing such a personal side of yourselves... A little update on me: Everyday is still a struggle.. The desire to binge, the desire to purge.. i am convinced that never goes away.. But right now what i find increasingly difficult, is that i get overly obsessive.. About foods, definitely.. About numbers as well.. But, lately i am finding other things to get really obsessive about in order to try and get away from obsessing food.. i can completely understand how some people have gone from one addiction to another, it wouldn't be that hard at all..But lately, what i obsess the most is my recovery, believe it or not.. Everyday, i throw myself into the books, the meetings, the email support groups.. i read, i answer questions, i dig and i dig.. Which is all GOOD stuff. However, when i am balancing a household, working full time hours, running errands - putting hours and hours of recovery work in is exhausting the hell out of me.. i get emotional, i get bent and then the vicious cycle begins.. and if i don't put in so much work, i get so hard on myself.. When i get hard on myself, i obsess, when i obsess i set myself up.. And when i set myself up, my whole damn day is shot .. Because i spend that day (or many more days) trying to work through that issue, and balance everything mentioned above.. Also, my OCD has gotten much worse than it's ever been (housework, for instance....my oh my..) It's not a good thing either, i'm already a cleaning addict, but when something is out of order, unorganized or well.. if i have no control on how the house will look when i get home from work, for instance.. my whole day becomes an upset.. And i'll spend my time tidying and cleaning - but even worse, the fretting and the being hard on myself.. i have 2 teenagers, that definitely don't clean to my standards, lol.. So the house will never be as perfect as i want it, unless they aren't home and everything is how i left it.. So i'm really struggling with the obsessiveness of the disease right now.. i know i need to be easier on myself - easier said than done.. i have put some things into motion as far as the teenagers go.. They are 16 and almost 19, and it's time they help Mom out - they don't like the rules put in place and certainly aren't happy i'm sticking with it, but things have to change.. In the meantime though, i really need to work through this challenge of mine.. i still do great with using my daily tools.. i'm attending meetings daily, see my dietician and doctor regularly.. i am working the steps, in my workbook, reading literature, and working with a Sponsor also.. i do feel i've come a long way in a year, but i also know i've a long way to go. This 'is' a lifetime commitment, and very grateful for each of you who share your journey and ESH as well.. It makes a world of difference for me to have this support, advice and some place to turn and ramble these thoughts.. ~~~~~~~~ (((Chancie & MsTinkerbelly))) Welcome! & Aishah, thank you so much for the informaion & links, so appreciated! |
Body dysphoria is freaky, ya'll
I my recovery weight stabilized last January and has been the same ever since no matter what i ate or did not eat or burned or did not burn (set point theory is true!) However in the last 2 months i have worn 3 different sizes of underwear. I bought some yesterday that are two sizes smaller than the ones i bought in February and one size smaller than the ones i bought in March Why is my underwear size changing when my body is not? Because the way i percieve my body is not related to reality! Although it does seem to be getting closer since the sizes are going down |
So i've had a difficult ohhh 10-12 days or so.. But, the hard moments follow with a lesson and growth for me usually. For that i am grateful. i could feel myself disconnecting from my recovery, bit by bit. Complete lack of motivation, and overwhelmed and completely exhausted.. But, the reason for that is because i set myself up to make that happen, continuously everyday..i have tools that i use daily (plan of eating, meetings, blogging, meditation, the list goes on..) Some days i am busier than others, my work shifts change each day.. And i have a tendency to pile tasks on myself and i am unrealistic about what kind of load i can handle.. When i can't handle the list of to-do's for the day, i take it out on myself.. That inner bully within resurfaces and suddenly i am creating all the excuses i need to abuse myself with food and behaviors - and it's a vicious circle. Yesterday, i finally reconnected - and am slowly reeling myself back in.. SO hard to be honest with myself and admit that i set myself up like i do, but really i need to lose the supergirl cape and accept the fact that i'm human and can only take on so much each day.. An example: i am a member of 6 email loops within Overeaters Anonymous, which send out writings each day sharing their experiences, and then send 3 questions .. So, 6 loops, and i fell behind for 12 days, = 72 emails of 3 questions each.. Yesterday was my day off, so i tasked myself (after doing housework, laundry, going to the gym, etc) to catch up and do those 72 emails and send them in... i started at 4pm.. By 5pm, i answered one email of 3 questions, because i'm longwinded and really dig deep when i am doing these things.. They're a great help in my recovery and learning about myself - but i was getting really overwhelmed and upset with myself that i would probably be up all night and *still* not catch up, that it would take days, and then i would be behind in *those* days too.. For the first time in my life, i made a decision that i could *not* do it, and i deleted all the emails, knowing i could not catch up, and made the decision to leave a couple of the unnecessary loops as well, and keep the important few.. So today, i start new, and i am accepting the fact that i was being unrealistic with myself and completely setting myself up to fail.. Doing so, would have allowed me to beat myself up with food & behaviors, and i simply cant move forward in my recovery that way.. If i can't do the questions, it's not the end of the world.. i never *have* to do the questions, i just expect myself to because i look forward to the growth and learning about myself and that is a great thing, but if i keep doing this i'm really not allowing myself that room to grow and learn.. And i'm holding myself back instead.. my Workbook, i'm still on Step One.. i carry it with me everywhere along with my 12x12 book.. That way, if i get spare moments at work, home or whereever i am, i can work in it.. But, it's been in my little bag for over 2 weeks, untouched.. i have been procrastinating the things that i really need to do to help me move forward,and i cling to the stuff that holds me back.. So, hard lesson & realization for me yesterday.. Today, i woke up with a few emails, don't work until 4pm.. So i am setting a realistic goal, of completing one question in that workbook, reading my literature, and completing today's questions and sending them in.. One step at a time, WHEN i have time.. And being more mindful of what i can handle each day, so i'm not setting myself up.. And not going to be hard on myself for 39 years of obsessing, behaviors and setting myself up - it's about letting go & moving forward..i will have stumbles, this i know.. but, that means more growth ahead. |
In my 20s and 30s I was bulimorexic. It got to the point where I was throwing up 20 some times a day and also not swallowing my own spit (I read where someone else didnt do this as well). I went into counseling, and stopped the majority of it but have at times, relapsed on and off for a day or so, here and there. But after I came back from NH, after my relapse, after the feeling SO out of control and hopeless, I would indeed overeat and purge. But binging and purging in your 50s is not like binging and purging in your 20s and 30s. I went downhill physically. I was already very sick, and had a huge hiatal hernia from doing this decades ago, and now, it was life threatening. I had to have it repaired. Well, the first surgery didnt work so I had to go in the second time and this time, I had to have 3/4 of my stumach removed. I also almost died from this surgery because of blood clots and leakage.
I have dropped weight because it was essentially a gastric bypass surgery, a sleeve. Have I dropped alot of weight. Some. Not alot. But enough. I really am not obsessed with weight like I use to be in m 20s and 30s. I like the plusness of my body and the roundness of my curves. It aggravates me when people tell me my surgery didnt work, all because I didnt become a size 10. I wouldnt know what to do with myself as a size 10! I am a 16/18 and very very happy with my body. But I still love food and use it as a drug. I am scheduled to see a dietician next week at my Drs. I am also doing therapy in general and this has helped alot. We dont focus on weight because its not a major issue. Its a symptom, now, of other things that are getting really out of control, like my daughter's influence in my life. I eat to sedate. To hide. To feel good. Even if I cant eat alot because I no longer have the vessel to put it in, I still turn to food to medicate... |
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i have grown up with a lot of body issues, and am only just starting to build some self confidence where that is concerned.. So wonderful that you are happy with your body - that's so important and it makes me gitty happy when someone (whether a size 3 or a size 26) is comfortable in their skin, confident and happy.. i was very obsessed with my weight a year ago (and every year prior to that), and it wasn't so much about being 98 lbs heavier than i am now, as much as it was about the low self esteem i had .. i am 217 lbs now, and am much more comfortable in my skin these days.. Definitely not about the weight lost as it is about getting to know myself inside and out, learning to appreciate the skin i am in and accepting and loving my imperfections. i am still trying to lose weight, but that's for health reasons, because today, i know i am beautiful, sexy and love seeing and feeling it.. And i have curves, and proud of them too. |
This week, i had to make a couple of changes to my POE (plan of eating)..
- Crackers ... It's been hard to admit this but i have zero control over crackers of any kind.. While i don't binge them in one sitting, i do pick at them through the day, enough so i notice the package or box all finished come the end of the day.. When i binged, i could easily have eaten 2-3 packages and not thought anything of it, and so while i'm not eating the amount i was, it's still a high amount and i could feel myself getting back to old behaviors by doing so.. i can really relate with how easy it would be to relapse.. i hear of people talking about relapsing and having to work the steps and the program all over again.. When i would eat the crackers, i would grab four and eat them but stuff another few someplace so i could grab at them easily... Then in a couple of hours, i would do the same thing.. again, then again.. sigh.. The crunch and salt of them of course help me with my potato chip cravings.. But, what i wasn't recognizing was that i continue to have these cravings, because of this behavior.. So, i've added snack crackers, soda crackers and ritz crackers to my abstinence list.. Actually, any crackers, period.. A lot of days i might be strong enough *not* to do this, but.. the fact i did, and kept myself in denial is why i had to stop.. - Also, yogurt.. the dessert selections yogurts.. a little higher in sugar, but ohhhh i only had one and spent 3 days craving some serious sugar... Back to regular flavored yogurts for me.. i just can't handle those at all.. - Lastly, back to portioning and measuring and working on *not* obsessing the numbers.. However, i know that portioning and measuring is healthy if i stay in the right mindframe about it.. When i don't measure and portion my foods, i fall off track too often with the amounts i'm eating, and my behaviors start again from the overeating..i find myself craving more, and wanting to purge more.. Everyday lately, i have been fighting off the urge to purge.. It makes me crazy when i feel i overeat and have that "food hangover" feeling, and i can't purge it.. So this is something that helps me keep that at bay.. And something else that works for me, is always.. always ..pre-planning my meals the day before.. |
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