Hmmm...I have conversations with Sadie, (my dog) because she is responsive to what I say, the couch and the fridge...not so much. :byebye:

lol, and Smiling weighs in from the crazy corner....
 

I thought LilyCat posed a thoughtful question and Hominid brought up an excellent counterpoint. I had written a post based on their thoughts, but it ended up a rambling treatise and therefore felt a little self-involved, lol, so I deleted it.

So, I will just say this as regards my own choice to stay alone admittedly perhaps "too long"-

I'm not seeking a relationship, but if I happened to crash into one, I know what I definitely do not want. And what I will not accept is probably much easier to quantify. :)

I don't ever want to find myself in a relationship with someone who is a "placeholder" - neither do I want to be one for anyone else - and I feel like so many people (please be assured that I am not referring to anyone in particular either on or off this site, but rather speaking in a very general sense) are content with that.

I also feel like after a certain amount of time, people's lives get so intertwined that staying together becomes more of an exercise in convenience or habit (I.e. shared home, finances, children) than a conscious choice to share a life path.

What I definitely do not want is a relationship that is, or even worse, simply becomes, a functional business arrangement.

If that works for others, then great for them; but I'll continue to happily stay alone pursuing my dreams, goals, and interests in that case and remember that one person's "too long" is another's "not nearly long enough!" lol.

Context matters.

When I'm happy sometimes it's almost a why-fix-something-that-isn't-broken sort of thing. And when I'm not happy, it's more of an I'm-not-happy-at-the-moment-so-let-me-fix-myself-and-not-drag-anyone-down-in-the-gutter-with-me-right-now.

I have issues with being alone, or single for a long time. I had gotten used to living alone and being alone for a few years. Now that I have gone through that phase, I find that I am ready to date and find a future with someone.

I'm a long way from being open to something new, but a friend of mine asked me the other day what I would want in a future person.

The first thing that came out was: a person who makes my life easier and not harder. Maybe I'm showing my age or my heart's exhaustion, but my willingness to twist myself into fun pretzel shapes to make things work seems to be significantly waning as is my willingness to make financial sacrifice for love's sake.

But also, chemistry, passion, trust, loyalty, friendship, love, honesty, consistency. Those are givens, right? Not givens in relationships, but givens in that - who doesn't want those things?

And I want to be cherished. And I love a good cuddler. And it's awesome be able to watch Shakespeare or read poetry or a novel with another person who actually enjoys that sort of thing. And it's really nice to be with a person who loves both my femme side and my boy side.

And though it feels like butches are a dying breed, they are my favorite. And if not butch, somewhere close.

And having written all that, I kinda think the best answer may be to just enjoy life and not think about any of that. Like, ever again. :) Make the world my lover. Cherish my own self.

oh fuck yes. that's why I don't want pursuit on either side. I want a nice, smooth, relaxed, integration of getting to know someone, friendship and enjoying each others time, allowing me to spoil them in ways that are *easy* and enjoyable for me, and *easy* and enjoyable for them.

i don't want someone running a fucking marathon to prove their leeeeerrrrrrrrve for me. I want it to be an easy, relaxed stroll in the park.

I want to grow in love, not fall in it like dog shite.

someone who makes my life easier. bliss. I have a good life as it is, but someone who doesn't *tax* me, or pressure me, or make demands about stuff to show that I enjoy them.

pressure turns me off faster than a cup of cold sick these days.

Luckily, I don't pressure myself in those ways lol
just scholastically.

My opinion, life is not easy so a relationship should not be a stroll in the park, easy. You have to work at it, but again that is just my feelings.

I've been following this thread as sort of an observer. Because my answer to what things I want and/or need in a relationship is I don't know.

And that's about the best answer I can give. Because I honestly don't know. I could guess or say what I think I'd maybe like or want. But that's about it.

Truth is I've spent a lot more time alone than I've ever been in a relationship. And most of the time my want/need is just to be IN a relationship. I'd like to feel like I'm "in the game" for a little while, not just sitting on the bench (please forgive the sports analogy).

But I do find it interesting, everyone's opinions takes on what they are looking for or how they feel on just entering a relationship or being alone verse in a relationship.

I believe that one grows into a relationship, be it friendship or romance, at least if it is going to be a healthy one. I can't describe exactly what I want in a relationship other than the obvious things such as honesty, open and truthful communication, compassion, kindness, great sense of humour, emotional intimacy, etc.

I have been single for the last 5 years, because I think it is just as important to know what I have to offer to the relationship and I needed to do some work on myself. I do hope to meet a femme one day soon who is able to love me in the ways that I need, and that I can love in the ways she needs.

I've been in seven relationships. The good ones felt good, even during conflicts.

I'm talking about the beginning, as im growing to know someone. It's should be easy to hang out with them. Relaxing. Quiet. Like a quiet and sweet, comfortable stroll through a familiar park. I've had that. Those were the longest lasting ones. Totally natural and an ease of being together.

And I've had the other kind. Where you fight and heave to over come so many things just to stay together - hash out everything, all the differences that clash.
Work work work work work.

I don't want another relationship where it's work from day one.

I want another one where it's easy to be together because you have similar goals, similar politics, similar outlook, and an understanding about each other that is just a natural ease.

Of course you still fight and have crises. But you are on the same *team* and not trying to convince each other about the best way to do something or how to be.

You can walk in the park and argue, arms linked and laugh.

But when someone is in drama and crying and drunk or has an anxiety issue they won't get help for... Or they are chasing you and won't respect your boundaries because they know better than you...

Gets old.

I'd prefer my relaxing and enjoyable company and a pic Nic.

I understand what you are saying, I just see life as not easy and relationships aren't easy. I just put my two cents in LOL

I don't think relationships always easy.

But I want to get to know someone in an easy way. Not an anxious, chasing, formal, uneasy stomach way. That's not my idea of meeting someone Im naturally comfortable with.

Some people like those feelings. I don't. I prefer quiet, slow, relaxed and zero stress getting to know someone. If I feel uneasy, if I feel I have to try really hard to be understood, if I don't understand their communication style... Too much work from the start gate. Too anxious from the start gate.

That's just not how I want to start a relationship.

Some people love the challenge and the chase and the nervous butterflies.

I don't.

Viva la differance

Thank you for clarifying for me!

This made me crack the Hell up.

It's so true. Funny, but true!

It's true that there must be equal effort from each party to maintain the relationship and to keep it happy and healthy, but I agree with cupcake about the beginning.

Every single time I have 'worked' to make myself 'fit' with someone else, it's only hurt me in the end. There's something to be said for sexy friction and conflict and all that mess but at this point in my life, if someone comes along and we mesh nicely and it feels good, then great.

Like you said; life is hard.

Your intimate relationships shouldn't be.

Flip it. Do you know what you DON'T want? Sometimes that is just as good, if not better, than being able to articulate what you do want or need. It makes red flags brighter and flappier.

Yes, thank you, that's what I mean. Of course there will be difficulties down the road after a lot of time spent together and differences happen and there is crisis you have to deal with from the outside world.

But that should *not* be the majority of the time in the relationship. Most of the time the relationship should be enjoyable and make my life *easier*.

I know the difference between intimacy and intensity. I want the former, not the later. It took me almost 30 years to figure out that intensity is *not* intimacy.

Better late than never!

I want to be in a relationship with a woman who is honest, kind, smart, funny, liberal/leftist politics, loves the arts and the simple things in life.

I want to be in a relationship with a woman who appreciates me as much as I appreciate her. I want to be involved with someone who will do whatever it takes for our relationship as much as I will. One way streets get lonely fast.

I also wouldn't want to be in a relationship that was a constant struggle, with a lot of conflict and work, work, work. I've never had one like that (at least not a serious one), but I see people who seem to have that and it looks exhausting. I do want to be with someone who would do whatever it takes to work out our differences when the going got tough, though. I will of course do the same.

I will probably just remain single!

I'm thinkin' this is pretty hypothetical for most of you, isn't it? :p

Not for me LOL :p

Okay, forget all that nonsense I spouted in here before; I didn't know what I was talking about.

Love, schmove. I changed my mind and now I just want someone who is willing to take care of all the pest control and I don't care about anything else, okay? I'm going to have nightmares tonight about the family of the HUGE bug I just killed coming back to exact their vengeance upon me as I sleep.

lol, and you will totally score if, much like St. Patrick driving all the snakes out of Ireland, you remove all the bugs and arachnids and snakes and whatever else might be living here. Bonus points for their relocation in lieu of extermination.

But don't dare touch those bees! I like those.

Here is a great example of what I mean by intimacy and ease, rather than intensity and clash

Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits

"The masters, by contrast, showed low physiological arousal. They felt calm and connected together, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior, even when they fought. It’s not that the masters had, by default, a better physiological make-up than the disasters; it’s that masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus physically comfortable."

The difference between how couples react to each other seem to indicate how long they will last.

Read more: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/ar...#ixzz3bgFn4aRe

I want someone who wants ALL of me! Is that so damn hard to come by?

Personally? Yes, it is. Usually people are swept up in their ideas and ideals of others, rather than the reality of the other.

I think it will take someone a really long time to know if they want *all* of me. Because they won't know all of me till they spend a long time getting to know who the hell I am. And how I am with different people and different situations.

So, yes, I think is a very rare thing to come by. And even rarer to have it mutual.

Recently... I am realizing how important it is to me that my partner and I are sexually compatible. This doesn't just mean... its good. It means common interests in the bedroom... my kink list is fast becoming part of the interview process.

Honesty, integrity, a little vanity, and maybe a little humility would be nice... but I must say, sanity has to be at the top of the list. :seeingstars:

In the future I will be looking for someone who is..
caring, honest, knows who they are, knows what they want in life, works for what they want, puts themselves and people they care about first in life.

Someone who can be serious at times it is needed but also someone who can handle my sarcasm and also has a sense of humor.

Someone who has dreams, passion and ambition.

Someone who is strong, will do what's needed to take care of themselves, me and us just as I always would as well.

Someone who can show their feelings, even if they are scared to death!

:|

< would fail miserably at that!

Not my strong point. 11 years in a culture where it's considered rude to be emotionally expressive (it's perceived that to do so is requiring those around you to cope with them) so I tend to keep my feelings to myself unless it's very private. However, I'm completely open and vocal about what I *think* ;)

But those are two different things.

Good for you for knowing what you need in that regard!

Someone who truly chooses to be in an interpersonal relationship with ME, and not just in a relationship to avoid being alone or whatever. I am not good "back burner" material.

I know what you mean, who wants to be a place holder, what a poor investment of time.

DC

Oh you hit the nail on the head for another one that is on my list!

I do best with someone who is funny, horny, has self knowledge and is secure in themselves enough to take my need for independence and alone time, intelligence and having the ability to argue rationally helps a lot too

Someone who can boil crawfish with me!!!! And who is not scared to get their hands pinched by them!

:)

Mushy but true
 

Me-I can tolerate alot if I truly like this person i'm with..oh,there will be respect and boundaries between us..it's just I know there will be days where I do not like this person i'm with.The honeymood period for me lasts 6 months,tops,and then reality sets in and i'll find myself moving further and further away from someone.This is why I must have my time alone..that is a must.Sometimes I can be with the one I love for an hour,maybe one whole day,one week even.But after that...leave me,alone,plz.You don't have to share my beliefs,my politics,clothes style,ect..but we must be compatible partners in bed.Me and my gf lasted this long because we both like sex and sex is never boring between us.When I first met her she was shy about alot of things in the bedroom,over time she has learned to enjoy herself when she's with me,she can trust me to do her no harm.Point is,she enjoys sex.You don't have to be my best friend,either...live your own life,have your own friends,take off whenever you want to leave,but please call me and let me know that you are safe.Sometimes opposites attract..this is how I lean tolerance in my life..so the more different my partner is from me,the more I will learn..you must have a sense of humor about life,it's ups and downs...I say cry if you have to,and then come back and laugh about life once again.I am a shoulder to lean on,cry on,bite on..I never leave those I love in their time of need.Like it or not,I will be there to take care of you,cus,you're worth it.

:computer2:

Sense of humor is a MUST! All the rest will sort itself out

Want and need
 

I agree humor is a wonderful quality. I like silly, kind, sweet, and adventurous ladies. A lady that can go from gardening or a walk on the beach to a formal evening out would catch my eye. I enjoy good conversation about almost anything.

What I want is all of the above. What I need is minimal I am very independent.

Someone who is outsoorsy and advebturous is high on my list...

A sense of humor is a necessity. I laugh every day...even if its only at myself...

An excellent hugger/cuddler

The ability to cook wouldn't hurt... I prefer to bake rather than cook

Tidiness....goes a long...LONG way....

Brains above all else...and lots of them...

Someone to hang out and watch movies with

Someone to laugh in bed and have a bed picnic with

Someone to go to the European film festival with, the Particle physics lab tour, the science talks at the rail way club for a pint, go to the pub quiz on occasion, go out for sushi or a pic nic, go to the Turkish baths with, go to the B flicks movie theatre at the end of my street.

Go away on city breaks for 3-4 day long weekends, take a week off and go to Marakesh, rent a small cabin for a few days and go skinny dipping, read to each other, and banter while playing cards.

Lots of sex. Lots of laughs. Activities. Lazing about and good food.


I don't care what their house habits are like, or where they live or what they live in... Because I won't be living with them. So none of that stuff matters. I'm in it for the friendship, the companionship, the love, the sex and the time we share.
Not the domestic aspect. I rule my domestic home. And I'm not sharing. I will gladly worship them at theirs ;)

Lately it seems those that I'm dating and/or meeting are looking more for a girl friend than a girlfriend. It seems they are more interested in hanging out and having someone to talk to, etc. And while that's all fine and well, it's absolutely not what I need in a relationship. Maybe it's my age group. I dunno. I so hope not. I need a good old fashioned butch/femme full on relationship that includes passion and excitement as well as companionship and comfort. Goddess, I hope I'm just in some kind of bad juju place and this is not the way it is or is going to be in my future. I couldn't bear that.

As for 'the list' - someone who is...

• creative
• independent
• sexual
• extremely witty
• charming/old fashioned
• grounded with spontaneous tendencies

I need a lot of attention when I need it and then a lot of space when I need that too. I'm so freaking hard to handle, it's insane so I need a lot of patience and sticktoitnivness. Yeah, that's what I need in a relationship, sticktoitniveness.

I need someone who is able to "just know" when I want them to quietly hold me.

I also need someone who feels that the foundation of our relationship is bigger than just the two of us, but is also the structure for our future legacy.

Vintage, we may want completely different things but I often feel like I am the only person in butch-femme land who wants what I do. Mostly I get people who want what I feel are rigid formulaic formal and stiff awkward (for me) dates that don't feel that treat me like an individual girl. Just a cut out gender representative to shovel fill in the blank formula romance on. And I feel invisible and sad rather than romanced.

It feel pretty much like I'm the only one that feels this way too.

I think it's a human condition to feel that way.