I like the two day rule idea. For me it's more about holding back but I do like to take some time and check my own motives. Trouble comes when I wait too long.

What I'm finding interesting, in my case, is that I am dating. Anything I have going on is still new. But I'm finding that my old "dating rules" do not all apply. There is much more intention and a little less "waiting to see what happens". I am finding it necessary to communicate in ways I normally wouldn't so early in a relationship - in order to nip things in the bud, as you say, or really get things off on the right foot. It may seem as if some spontaneity is taken away but in reality, it is liberating.

This is the biggest pet peeve I have....beating around the bush and all the fucking drama. I'm a bottom line person too. Some people find me unsettling because I Sooooo cut to the chase and in the south it catches people off guard.

The word dating is kinda funny for me. It's more of a consideration. IF I think you will fit into my world I'll consider you and give you a chance to prove it. In exchange I'll give you a chance to know me and see if we are the right fit.

I will do service for someone after getting to know them some -- but only for events or short periods of time. This is to see what it is like with them. Nothing can substitute for actually being in service to someone. But, make no mistake, they are under consideration with me too. I don't put it that way. But if a bottom/sub is SURE she wants to serve someone without getting to know her better, then there is likely a problem. That or lightening struck and it's one of those relationships in a million. But for most of us, while the sub is being considered officially, the Dominant is being evaluated too. And that's as it should be.

I think this is how all D/s relationships should be. I can't wrap my head around this instant slave shit. I have people in my life today who were once considered and we did bond as friends but never anything more. We will always share a different space then most friends. I won't invest into any type of relationship unless it is enduring even if it means friendship. People have made comment about how people come into my life and leave so quickly. I don't waste time with bullshit and will quickly move it out of my life. They also don't see all the wonderful people that remain friends for many years to come.

The biggest problem I see with meeting people is that they don't lay the cards on the table. If you're unsure of the course then just say so. I am never sure at first nor so I pretend to be. I leave everything pretty lighthearted and just pay attention.

I need to get back to work... lol I could easily get distracted today'

The word dating is kind of funny, now that you mention it. Like most things, people have their own definitions. Your post has made me think, more specifically, about what I mean by "dating" and what I expect from it. I expect this is something that will be evolving along with everything else.

At this point it is a term I use to define any romantic or sexual relationship where I am spending time with a person and we have not yet defined our relationship as anything more specific. It is the "getting to know you" period. I guess it is fair to say that one of my relationships has already evolved past dating because even though we have yet to clearly define ourselves we acknowledge our special connection, agree to pursue it, and she has renegotiated the terms of her primary relationship to allow for the possibility of my inclusion as a long-term partner.

At this time it behooves me to remain a largely independent entity. I don't need to be someone's primary partner, I don't want to move in. But I do want meaningful connections. It may suit me to have a more committed and defined relationship, and a lover or two with whom I have a good connection/friendship but we see each other less often and go on occasional dates. I think I might still call the latter, dating. Or maybe we would find another term for it if it becomes long-lasting. Good food for thought.

Sam thats a good way to put it- meaningful connections. I think this is me today. I like the idea of owning and controlling a slave, for sure but I am interested in meaningful connections. I'm not a casual sex person but I can be very intimate with like humans who have something to offer instead of selfish agenda. I don't do well with humans who are are selfish and lack spiritual connections, whatever they chose to call them or how they express them

Being an ethical non-monogamist is not all fun a games, in case anyone is wondering. Although there are plenty of fun and games, there is also a good measure of work. Work on oneself, self-searching honesty and humility. Work on relationships and communication skills. Lots and lots of intention and implementation. Boundary discovery and establishment. Attention to feelings, needs, and desires - hers, hers, mine, her partner's - and the cat's.

It is work. I asked for it, and I am being given every opportunity to test my commitment to growth and change - the opportunity to walk my talk. And I am giving myself the opportunity to create the life I want, in open, meaningful relation to others.

I'm pleased with what I'm learning about myself, so far. And I am having a whole lot of fun along the way!

It is a lot of work no matter how simple or complex your relationships. In fact I was lying in my bed the other morning (I often wake up very early, light a candle, play music and think) at how much I've changed over the years. There's so many things about being single and a lone I really love. When I think about being in a relationship, especially the wrong relationship it freaks me out a little. I'm so comfortable in my own skin and with my own company that I question if its healthy. lol I love company and I'd love to be in love but honestly I wonder if that "right" person exist. My EX was a lot like me and it was really nice. We didn't always question each other and we both enjoyed our alone space and time together. We didn't have to make excuses or worry about stupid shit. Had she not cheated and lied to me I would have had the perfect partner. But I would have eventually come to some of the realizations I have this past year so maybe not.

I'm not sure how hard I'm willing to work anymore or how much BS I'm willing to endure for the sake of a relationship. I know it sounds like I;ve given up but I really haven't. I think for sure that I'd like an intelligent, strong, compassionate, well rounded partner and if they are not as submissive as I might like or need that they would be ok with me having slaves. I've thought about this long and hard lately. I could only ever be really sexually intimate (kissing on the mouth, fucking etc.) with one person, however I can play and have D/s relationships with others.

Again, I"m just looking and waiting for the right person(s). They would need to be very secure and self sufficient.

IMO, if any of this facilitates your personal growth, it's worth it. If you are in a committed relationship for life that at least is not tearing you down, it's worth it. If you are young and have massive amounts of bandwidth to spare and are having a hell of a great time, it's worth it.

Otherwise, it is TOO much work. Unless you just have play partners or are quite selfish. As I get older, I am less of a fan of poly -- for me. It's fine if the person in my life wants poly as long as the other people in her life don't fuck up my peace with their stoopid drama. I would rather go on a meditation retreat or go to a concert or travel. :( Getting old, I guess.

Plus my job is a people job. And truly I have already learned a lot about myself. I am not as interested in me as I used to be. All a function of age, I guess. No regrets. We change.

amen! I'm totally with you Martina!

There are so many things that are important to me. I value all the things I've worked so hard to arrive at. Even the cartoon people that have come to work for me in the past few years.... now I am more careful about how I exchange energy. In fact most of the time lately I get up, bust my ass and do shit myself. There is a sense of pride and its liberating but I'm also not 20 any more and there aren't enough hours in the day. I'd love to have a housemate but worry that it will disrupt the tranquility I have here. Even the dogs feel it.

Poly is a tough nut for sure. I was poly for years, 12 to be exact, probably more than that without the label. I really thought it was my only option as I am so fluid that I never could find one person who met all those needs.

I needed a butch to my femme, a boy to my Lady, and a Daddy to my little girl. I'm not a switch when it comes to Dominance, but even I have my little moments where I want to be safe and protected. But as a very typical Scorpio, I'm sexually possessive, and struggle with jealousy once I'm intimate with someone and they are intimate with someone else.

I am blessed beyond belief to have found someone who fits all those niches in my head and I for her. I never thought there was someone like me out there. So at 40, I gave up poly and committed myself to a monogamous relationship. I've never been happier.

I still think poly can work, and have seen it work. I no longer believe it works (or ever worked) for me.

If I found that all in one person I would commit to monogamy. Lucky you!

Very lucky! It was funny when we met we both kept trying to stick to the role we were 'supposed' to be. Then we started slowly seeing other traits that we knew matched our 'other' traits. It was a lot of fun realizing we needed to throw out every rule book we ever had in our heads and make new ones, just for us.

Love that boy! This weekend is our 1 year anniversary. :eyebat:

You know its so cool when you meet highly evolved spirits who are fluid and move easily. I am a complex woman and although strong and stubborn I have many aspects to my nature. It's so refreshing to meet people who are flexible and have a sense of adventure. Life is ever changing and moving. This is why I hate labels. I could never fit in one nor would I want to,

I am not so young (40), nor do I have massive amounts of energy to spare (chronic fatigue). I do not think I am naive, but optimistic and hopeful that I am whole enough, and have the skills to create with intention the sort of relationships which will suit my needs best. The "wild card" in this endeavor for me is the other people, their baggage and ability to meet me where I am. It requires of me to be very solid in myself - to be open, honest, and loving yet somehow retain a bit of a thick skin. As a sensitive, empathic, intuitive Cancerian, I have historically been easily hurt. So I am finding it to be a good deal of work and energy spent getting to a different place.

However, there are two major goals being accomplished in all of this for me that really make it worth the effort. First of all, my personal growth is being furthered. I have the opportunity to break old patterns; to set boundaries, state needs, and finally to be assertive and confident, expecting others to respect me where I am with no guilt or shame. So even though it can be a bit tiring getting comfortable with the “new me” and pushing outside of my previously held comfort zones, the pay-off is huge. I feel like this part of things will become less work and more second nature as I become more practiced.

Secondly, as a person who requires gross amounts of space and alone time, it may seem counter-intuitive for me to try to maintain multiple relationships. But because there are as many definitions of poly as there are practitioners, I can try to create something that works for me. Right now it works extremely well for me to have two lovers who each live about an hour and a half away from me (in different directions). They are turning into meaningful connections which feed me in different ways but no one is demanding of all my time. There are plenty of phone calls and emails in between but it is working out to 2 or 3 dates per month (lasting from 24-48hrs). No one is demanding of all of my time and I have plenty of space. I get to have these connections with two very different people who bring unique experiences to me, and still have all the time and space I require for myself. This is what works for me right now. Also keeping in mind that my needs and desires may shift in time.

There have already been some bumps around other people’s insecurities that I have handled quite well, I think (after recovering from my initial surprise). I know I have grown and learned much in just a short period of time. I know also that more challenges will pop up and I will handle them as well, ever keeping an eye on the ratio of effort put out vs. benefits gained. Right now, I am pleased. And proud. And only occasionally worn out.

It may actually be looking more like 4 "dates" per month. I wonder if that is too much? I guess I'll find out.

One thing is for certain: I'm spending way more time on mani/pedi's :|

I know I've come into the middle of the convo, but I just had to say that I couldn't agree more. If I found all those attributes in one person, I certainly would consider monogamy, but I would also be quite suspicious of the "too good to be true". Thanks for sharing all.

You're never gonna believe what happened...
 

(or maybe you saw it coming a mile away)

I've been talking about the fact that some challenges have been arising and I have been utilizing them as opportunities for growth. The truth is, the source all of the difficulties has been one lover in particular, and what they've really turned out to be are red flags. Ironically, she is the established, experienced polyamorist of the group. When we first starting seeing each other, I did not take her entirely seriously when she told me she was a jealous and possessive person (how could she be and successfully maintain multiple relationships?). I laughed and said, "well, being poly must give you a lot of opportunities to work on that". Turned out not to be amusing and now it is my fault for not listening. She also has a very structured and rigid approach to relationships. There are rules and you follow them. Any bad feelings that occur as a result don't matter or count as long as the rules were technically followed, and I saw this mostly in her relationship with her primary partner who was freaking out since before I entered the picture and really lost it once my lover started to display intense feelings for me. They were not ok, and it did not feel ethical for me to move full steam ahead into something that was already a wreck. And I felt tremendous compassion for the primary.

There were more issues as well, and perhaps I will come back to explore them because they are mostly the very issues that turned me off to poly in my youth. I don't think all is lost, but I think I chose the wrong person, who displayed many of the traits and isms of my former unhealthy choices. We have stopped seeing each other.

Meanwhile, I've been courted by another who, like me, was exploring relationship dynamics with intention and openness. I am certain she is the most remarkable person I have ever met - the moon and the stars live in her eyes and I have never felt so humbled and aflame to be seen and recognized by such beauty. We are ridiculously in love. Hearts and flowers, rainbows and unicorns, no holds barred. I kid you not. We are so absorbed in each other that there is no room or desire for any other lovers and we have agreed to be exclusive at least for the time being. And we are open to revisiting the possibility of nonmonogamy at some point down the line. But for now, we are content in each other's arms.

And just like that, this chapter of Ms. Meander's adventures in polyamory has come to a close.

I feel like I have learned much and I am blissfully happy. Please excuse me while I savor this delicious state. :) :bunchflowers:

So here I am. I'm reluctant to write in here because I'm somewhat naive when it comes to the subject but I'm going to give it a go.

What's my story in all of this? That's a good question actually...I keep asking myself the same thing. I've always been open minded when it comes to people and their preferences. I've learned a lot along the way because of this, about myself and about others.

Like others have said, I've toyed with the idea of being poly for years, even went out with a poly woman once upon a time until her Butch told her she could not longer date me. She would not tell me why.

Which brings me to this new chapter in my life. I am currently dating/getting to know a femme who is poly. I went into this knowing that she was poly and that I would not ever be her primary relationship. She knows that I don't have any experience with this type of dynamic but that I am open to exploring this with her. I am not sure if this will ultimately be good for me or not but I won't know unless I try.

What I can say is that we really get along and I can also say that I have not felt this comfortable with someone in a long time. We communicate daily about the good and the things that I am unsure about, those things that are new to me.

I do have my concerns for myself in all of this with regards to finding a primary relationship. I have always been the what if kind of guy... what if I can't find another femme who is poly, or open to my continuing to see this other person? I am not sure I'd want to give her up for someone else.

I do know that while having this relationship with her is wonderful, it will not be enough for me.

This may be a question that can't be answered but regardless my question for all of you is how do you find that other person who is poly??

At times in my life when I've been doin' the poly thang, I would go to local LGBT poly meet-ups. Now I don't know if they have those everywhere or if it's only those weird New Yawkers but it was a nice way to hang out with likeminded people with various connections, etc.

Exploring.
 

Hi SleepyButch, hope you are sleeping well :)

Many times alternate life styles have their own language, definitions and boundaries within the "open" realm of variety being the spice of life.I love the Unique, mysterious, fluid dynamics of life, and those that can reach out and experience things that bring joy and happiness, even if for just a moment, a night and day, or more.

I pulled out the "what if I can't find another femme who is poly, or open to my continuing to see this other person? I am not sure I'd want to give her up for someone else.
and
how do you find that other person who is poly? " from your post.

Poly sometimes may be confused with multiples. I was wondering if your question is ~ will 2 poly femmes equal a more fulfilling relationship, when and if one of them is not present. Am I wingwalking, needing to hold onto one, while I have another for ~just in case?
Does your poly/femme "other/s" know about you, have they met you and have accepted you? Having your heart on your sleeve my result in a crinkled cuff. You said "give her up" , but, me thinks she has a primary, so you have no possession.

My comment for now, like nycfembbw mentioned, like anything new, searching the internet for what you are experiencing as far as acceptance, understanding, jealousy, insecurity, and the myriad of things under any "kinky" label can be heaven or hell...

And, as They say, it's only kinky the first time. Good Luck SleepyButch, jump in, the water's fine, as long as we can swim. :):hangloose:

Thanks Tommi.

Her others know about me and are supportive of her seeing me.

When I say give her up, I mean in a sense of not seeing her anymore in exchange for dating someone who is monogamous. I do not own her nor will I ever try to own her. It's not that type of relationship.

As far as having two poly femmes equalling a more fulfilling relationship, I don't think that is the case. I would take them as being totally separate relationship. It's not that I want someone to spend time with while she is busy. That would not work for anyone involved. I am a loving, nurturing person by nature and have a lot of that to give and want to give it. I can share that with her but there are limitations/boundaries in that.

I'll have to think more on how to explain that before I write something that might be taken out of context. Like I said, this is all new to me.

I know what you're saying. It goes back and forth in my head and I have been in D/s poly relationships. Today I would consider it but the reality is that once I fall in love it most likely will be totally and completely. Poly would not be an option. But until that comes I can love people, share, have a great time and who knows it may go on forever, however something inside of me stirs and I know that I am yet to meet my one great love. I just feel it and I know when I do I won't see anything else.

Thanks for sharing and being so honest.

A response to the OP
I have been part of a poly family for years. Some of the partners have changed along the way but the core of two has always been. :P
We have found the best way to begin is with relationship, not just surface hellos and smiles of acquaintances, but real substance, depth and relational intimacy. It is important to be able to feel comfortable sharing. Our goal is to create a bonding spirit between women which is the foundation for trust and the next step sexual intimacy. Though the sexual is side is wondrous it is only a small part of what we are as family, sisters, friends and lovers. We like to feel unified, joined at the hip.
There have been times when we rushed the process over what seemed a sexual urgency and failed miserably ending the experience with hurt making us wonder if it is all worth it. In the end it has been more a positive experience in the intimate workings of relationship. It is the hive effect.
We have found there is nothing better than a family of women walking through life together. We are so close having one away is like missing something central to self. At present there are four of us. This seems a good number for household workability. We do believe the number could be a bit larger.
I find, for me it is the ultimate growing canvas. In knowing and loving these sisters I have grown by leaps. Hugs

I'm just curious about the core two. Are these the original partners who bring others in? I'm assuming you're part of the core two so is the other dominant? The others that come in... are they dominant or submissive or does it matter?

I'm curious because at one time I had 3 live-in slaves. People called us poly but I viewed it as me have a stable of slaves. I made the rules, I decided the overall dynamic of everything. They could not freely exchange sexually with each other. They were all property.

BDSM Poly is kind of complicated think.

*Raises hand* Yup, I'm in that responsible non-monogamy category.

My primary partner and I started out with an open relationship, neither of us believing one person can (or should) completely fulfill the other.

FTR, we've been together over 25 years. The way we make it work is by communicating... a lot. By being honest about our desires, by deciding together what can be fulfilled outside and by respecting each others boundaries. We also have agreements we can both live with. Those agreements have changed over time, but then again, so have we.

There are things she wants that I'm piss-poor at, why shouldn't she get that fulfilled in a meaningful way instead of the grudgingly half-assed way I'd probably handle it. And vice-versa, I have needs/wants that she's not into.

I lean toward having an other-significant-other who fulfills a good portion (or all) of BDSM needs/desires; While that OSO relationship is based in BDSM (play and sex) it is romantic as well.

BTW, I use other-significant-other because I dislike the term 'secondary'.

There are also a few play partners in my life. They're friends first, with the occasional foray into SM. Almost all of my play partners have a primary relationship as well. These relationships work because we're friends and look out for one another.

To me successful means we're able to and want to be friends even if the romantic/sexual/etc. relationship has ended. That being said, I've been pretty lucky, there's only one where I'd rather not be friends with.

On the not so successful side, well, it's like any relationship, sometimes people grow apart, sometimes one person (or both) violates agreements, sometimes things just don't work out.

I've been very vocal about my poly status since 2011. My best friend and I dated exclusively for just short of a year and when we split, we still kept most of the aspects of our relationship, it just transitioned naturally into a partnership that was more open. Now he's starting to embrace seeing other people and credits me with a lot of his understanding. He's really the only man I could see myself dating.

Challenges seem to be of the nature in poly relationships...but I tend to meet challenges head on.and with a smile. I hope to eventually meet a couple or become part of a permanent triad...It's not just about the sex but about the family dynamic...I am only just now understanding this need. I have been in the poly life style in some way 6 years but keep hitting walls with people who are inexperienced in dealing with the issues that arise (immaturity) or find partners who pick mates who have jealousy issues, or just don't like sharing...I really hate getting attached and having my heart broken...twice

I am still growing, developing, evolving when it comes how I practice poly. I see this as a good thing since stagnation only leads to toxicity...in my opinion.

I've been poly since I got married...well, I guess you could say I've always been poly but didn't actually attempt to have multiple relationships until I was married. My hubs has had multiple relationships off and on since he realized "Oh that's a girl and I like them." He used to be a whore and now he claims the title heteroflexible ethical slut and we're happy with his choice.

He encouraged me to try out poly when we married because he knew I was bi and knew I had never actually had any sort of intimate relationship with another woman.
Out first choice was bad...very bad. She was the first of many to inform me I was "sexually unattractive" after 3-6 months of a sexual relationship and follow it up with a request to only date my husband (to his credit, he told them no).

We decided to date separately for the most part now in order to avoid any attempt another woman might have in thinking they can play around with me in order to get to him.

Lately my challenges are in being open to trusting my own gut instincts, working out schedules, and dealing with the community at large.

This last part is mostly in not responding to all the irritating nonsense I hear or read. Today was a prime example: I have read from one person online that Poly people should not get married and those that are shouldn't really ever be trusted because they are committing adultery and breaking vows to forsake all others. -insert row of expletives here-
This was right after a discussion on a forum about Poly break ups and agreeing that telling me, after my long term girlfriend leaves, that I should be ok because I have another partner is like telling a parent who loses their child that they should be ok because they have others.

Anyways...that was a longer post than I meant to open with on here.

Nice post D Phryxus.

People seem to like dictating what is right/wrong for everyone else. I wasnt raised to be a homosexual...or butch...or kinky...or poly. Took a long time to realize I don't have to live by everyone else's rules. Sometimes I back step a little, but really, it isn't up to someone else to decide what Kind of relationships I have. Now if I could only find some like-minded people.....

I think that is the major difficulty/goal/fun of poly is finding those people ^_^

http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2007/06...relationships/

Thoughts?

Hmmmm...I thought the article had good information whether a person is monogamous or polyamorous. Learning to follow the rules (I prefer "guidelines") is not simple IMHO.

Great Article !!!
 

The Information in the article was great ... I find though that many of the rules or "guidelines", if applied to everyday life makes for happier
interpersonal relationships all the way around . *S*

I disliked the opening quote because, to me, it smacks of "poly is more evolved" and I think that sentiment is crap. I've seen very healthy monogamy and piss-poor poly. It's not the relationship style that's evolved, it's the people in the relationship. Okay, let me get off my soapbox now.

Like Mel, I think these 'rules' are good for any relationship or for a single person.

I think the idea of knowing what you want, what is realistic and the 'why' behind your 'what' is paramount in all relationships.




So overall I liked the article but not so much the opening quote.