Maybe she feels put in the middle?

Maybe try to have a relationship with her and don't mention your Mom? Does that make sense? Then she will know you value her for her. She can get to know her brother with no parental influence. Has she met your glider?

Maybe she avoids calling because she has no idea what to say about your Mom? It is not her fault if your Mom is nto ready for this yet.

In the long run, a sister is a wonderful thing to have! :) :) :)
(for me, far better than parents)

She is the one who tells me about our mother in the first place and then runs after saying things.

And my poor family, neither of them know I am trans, that is a huge Taboo subject with my family, both my families, they have a big issue with the whole GLBTI community as it is.

I would so love to meet you again sometime when we could actually sit down and talk, Jen. I've always been glad you found me and introduced yourself in Vegas, but we only had what, thirty seconds? And I was SO utterly overwhelmed that whole time; I'm sure I didn't say anything much that was even coherent!

So, it's been our goal from the beginning *or at least my goal and Gryph didn't say no, lol* to have a place where friends can come and stay. I don't know how long it'll take, but someday we'll do it.

{{{{{{{{{{{Jen}}}}}}}}}} You mean so much to me, also.

I feel pretty sad about your thinking your Mom would be disappointed in you. I freely admit that I certainly have no idea what she would have thought while she was alive, but oh honey... after a person has died and is on the Other Side (however we might think of the place, Heaven or whatever), they can see and understand so much!! Your Mom's not disappointed in you! She wants for you what she always wanted for you--to be happy.

She's watched over you as best she could, and she's proud of you. Why shouldn't she be? Why wouldn't any mother be proud of you? You're a wonderful person, honey. She loves you, she wants you to be happy, and she's proud of you.

xoxoxox

Yes, it is an issue and I so with it wasn't.

Have you met your half sister in person? Maybe she wants to be close, but it all messed up having to deal with your mother and be in the middle.
So sorry this is happening. I hope this year they will find understanding and you will get the answers you deserve!

You deserve to know your heritage, your people, your history.

You deserve happyness and acceptance!


:)
We did chat like 30 seconds, but you really made a great impression. I felt such warmth and strenth andf goodness talking to you!

I was pretty overwhelmed too, we spent a lot of time hiding in our room. Ha.

Thank you for saying that about my Mom. If she is out there, I hope she knows I try to honor her memory.

My father told me I never loved her when I agreed to meet my bio parents and when he found out I was gay.

Sorry, but this is a LOAD of SHYT. Why do so many people use the "gay card"?

Shakinghead, sorry Jen, just struck a cord.

Yeah I met her and lived with her back in 2000 or 2001, didn't last long I was out in my own place and she managed to fuck things up when I went out of town and went to jail.

I was driving around doing errands this past Saturday. And the radio announcer came across and played this song, and asked that everyone pay attention to the words. I did. And within moments I related to it, and it made me cry like a baby... I thought I would post here because I know everyone here can relate to the first verse of the song:

Temporary Home
Carrie Underwood

A little boy six years old
A little too used to being alone
Another new mom and dad
Another school another house that will never be home
When people ask him how he likes this place
He looks up and says with a smile upon his face

This is my temporary home
Its not where i belong
Windows and rooms
That im passing through
This is just a stop
On the way to where im going
Im not afraid because i know
This is my temporary home

Young mom on her own
She needs a little help got nowhere to go
Shes looking for a job
Looking for a way out
Cause the halfway house will never be a home
At night she whispers to her baby girl
Someday we'll find a place here in this world

This is our temporary home
Its not where we belong
Windows and rooms
That we're passing through
This is just a stop
On the way to where we're going
Im not afraid because i know
This is our temporary home

Old man hospital bed
The room is filled with people he loves
And he whispers "dont cry for me
Ill see you all someday"
He looks up and says "i can see god's face."

This is my temporary home
Its not where i belong
Windows and rooms
That im passing through
This was just a stop
On the way to where im going
Im not afraid because i know
This was my temporary home

Sorry I have not been on. Travel, drama, etc.....

That song totally makes sense and affects so many people.

Have been reading about adoption a lot....will post more soon, just wanted to say hi!

Hi Jen. I just wanted to drop in and say hello to everyone :)

Birthmother.....
 

So, I tech. have 2 beautiful daughters instead of one, if you have looked at my profile you understand. I am soo happy I found this one and I like that this is in the support section. I had my first daughter when I 19, then my 2nd when I was 20. I had to give her up because of financial reasons and my family. Unfortunately, and in a good way, it is an "open" one but I do not get to see her much and it hurts. Damn, now I have to cry. lol...but, the couple who adopted her *Karly is related to my sister n law and therefore they did not want me hanging around them. So I was basically kept by my brother and sil *sister in law* to ever seeing her. Of course being in a small town I have many chances of bumping into the couple and Karly. I have never openly talked about it with my brother. But I started going to therapy for this when I was pregnant which was also tied into my trichotillomania help to. I stopped after my mom came and she said I was not being helped. I then tried again to stop the trich, but yet again it did not help. Just started back again 2 weeks ago and I have never been more ready to finally be able to let everyone know how I feel. Sorry for all of you who was adopted, but I am having my own personal breakdown on the other side of the computer right bout now... :(

So sorry you are having a hard time, I think this time of year everyting seems worse, at least it does for me.

I think its good for us to hear from Mom's who had to give up a child, maybe in talking to you, I can learn to forgive what I have been through and it sounds like it will help you to have someone to talk to.

I am so srry that you are kept from her. How old is she?

Does it help or make it worse that you get to see her? Is the new family good to her?

My girls are exactly a year apart. The one I have with me was 6 on Jan 9, then my next one, Karly, the one I do not have will be 6 on Dec. 14. So for one month I girls who are the same age. And yes the new family is very good to her. They was not able to have babies and they was trying for around 10 years. So I guess you could kinda say I was meant to have her in a way. And it helps that I get to see her and run into her. I just wish my brother and his wife would accept it. Since we are in a small community and their name is kinda "well known" they do not it like it so much.

Sorry I let this thread go for a while, other issues in the forefront.

My biological mother got married and had 2 boys pretty immediately after giving me away. Knowing this made it harder, made me wonder what about me was not good enough to keep if she could just go ahead and have 2 more immediately.

I know it was her parents who made her give me away, but it is hard to bear.

But then I see posts like rbentley's and see that these things are still going on. Families are still pressuring young women to give away their children instead of offering to help financially so the baby's can be kept. Still many churches and people stand against using Birth Control. Still the closed adoptions continue. Thank you rbentley for showing me that some of the mother's are devastated too.

I guess maybe I thought that by 2010 things would be better. People more loving, more giving..and guess maybe a bit better, but not good enough.

I've read the books on adoption my therapist suggested and they were helpful in that they made me see that I have turned out wayyy better than I could have. I have other issues which have been more pressing so I have not done all the exercises they suggest yet, but will keep you all posted when I do.

Love to all my fellow adoptees!

I adopted my daughter (who is just about to turn 16). She came to live with me the first time when she was four.

She doesn't see her biological mother. It's an open adoption, but bio mom has chosen not to contact us for years.

Recently, my daughter's grandmother (who we hadn't heard from for 3 years) sent us pictures of a baby girl and told us that bio mom had another baby. The letter didn't include much information other than a complaint that the baby was half black and telling us that bio mom was doing ok and working at Wendy's.

Apoc, your post just really resonated because I know she has to be thinking that her mother gave her away and then had another daughter.

I ask her how she feels and she mostly expresses worry that her sister is being neglected and abused just as she was. The background of the pictures made it clear that the environment was filthy and my daughter picked up on that immediately.

I wish there were some way to assure her that it wasn't about her in a way that she would believe it, but I worry that, like you, in twenty years, she is still going to be asking herself why she wasn't good enough.

If you can post or pm me links to the books you mentioned I would appreciate it. I'd like to read them myself.

Just that your daughter has a parent (You) who understands and wants to help will mean the world to her in 20 years.

Does she remember the adoption and what things were like before?

I will send you the links in a minute...have to find them on Amazon. :)

Going to try to make sense and not ramble here. I am the Aunt of two incredible, wonderful children. My Sister could not have children from her body, so she adopted; they are the children of our hearts.

The birth parents were married, and between them they had 5 other children. When they found out my neice was on her way, they went the open adoption route because California would no longer pay extra for any additional children born to them on welfare, and they wanted to be in her life. Then they became pregnant with my nephew, and decided that they would go ahead and keep a boy! OMG, can you imagine what that would have done to my neice? Anyway, they wound up letting my nephew be adopted, and the last we heard 10 years or so ago, the family lost all 5 children due to neglect and abuse. My sister tried everything she could think of to find those children and bring them home with her, but no one would help.

So, now my neice and nephew live with the fact that they are blood brother and sister, they were given away, and their siblings are God knows where.

Thank you for this thread, and the insight I am given into what people think and ways in which I can possibly help the people I love.

Blessings (f)

Your post made my hair crawl. People need to use birth control!

I am so glad your niece and nephew ended up in a good place and that your sister was able to help keep them together and that they have you.

If they do ever get the opportunity to meet their blood relatives, I think it would be a god idea to make sure they clearly know that these people were likely brought up very differently than they were and may not be what they expect. (in fact it is likely considering the circumstances that they may not be pleased with what they find) There is not always a happy Oprah moment.

I wish you and your sister and the kids all happiness and peace! :)

I decided to post the books that my therapist suggested I read here, in case anyone else missed them or needs resources and does not want to read the entire thread.


Adoption Healing...a Path to Recovery by Joe Soll

Primal Wound by Nancy Veverier

Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness by Betty Jean Lifton

The one I found most helpful was Primal Wound, but all had good information from different standpoints.

This story broke my heart, and makes me wonder when there are going to be policies put into place regarding International Adoptions...I mean, a kid is not a puppy. You can't return it. On the other hand families are getting damaged children that end up putting everyone in the home in danger.

Return of adopted child angers Russia

Boy sent from US, with note, on 1-way flight

By Nataliya Vasilyeva and Kristin M. Hall, Associated Press | April 10, 2010
MOSCOW — Russia threatened to suspend all adoptions by US families yesterday after a 7-year-old boy adopted by a woman from Tennessee was sent alone on a one-way flight back to Moscow with a note saying he was violent and had severe psychological problems.

The boy, Artyom Savelyev, was put on a plane by his adopted grandmother, Nancy Hansen of Shelbyville.

Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov called the actions by the grandmother “the last straw’’ in a string of US adoptions gone wrong, including three in which Russian children had died in the United States.

In an exclusive interview with ABC News’s George Stephanopoulos, President Dmitry Medvedev of Russia said the boy “fell into a very bad family.’’

“It is a monstrous deed on the part of his adoptive parents, to take the kid and virtually throw him out with the airplane in the opposite direction and to say, ‘I’m sorry I could not cope with it, take everything back’ is not only immoral but also against the law,’’ Medvedev said.

The cases have prompted outrage in Russia, where foreign adoption failures are reported prominently. Russian main TV networks ran extensive reports on the latest incident in their main evening news shows.
The education ministry immediately suspended the license of the group involved in the adoption — the World Association for Children and Parents, a Renton, Wash.-based agency — for the duration of an investigation.
In Tennessee, authorities were investigating the adoptive mother, Torry Hansen, 33.

Any possible freeze could affect hundreds of American families. Last year, nearly 1,600 Russian children were adopted in the United States.
“We’re obviously very troubled by it,’’ State Department spokesman P.J. Crowley said in Washington when asked about the boy’s case. He told reporters that the United States and Russia share a responsibility for the child’s safety and Washington will work closely with Moscow to make sure adoptions are legal and appropriately monitored.

Asked whether he thought a suspension by Russia was warranted, Crowley said, “If Russia does suspend cooperation on the adoption, that is its right. These are Russian citizens.’’

The boy arrived unaccompanied in Moscow on a United Airlines flight on Thursday from Washington. Social workers sent him to a Moscow hospital for a medical checkup and criticized his adoptive mother for abandoning him.

The Kremlin children’s rights office said the boy was carrying a letter from his adoptive mother saying she was returning him because of his severe psychological problems.

“This child is mentally unstable. He is violent and has severe psychopathic issues,’’ the letter said. “I was lied to and misled by the Russian Orphanage workers and director regarding his mental stability and other issues.
“After giving my best to this child, I am sorry to say that for the safety of my family, friends, and myself, I no longer wish to parent this child.’’
The boy was adopted in September from the town of Partizansk in Russia’s Far East.

Nancy Hansen, the grandmother, told the Associated Press that she and the boy flew to Washington and she put the child on the plane with the note from her daughter. She vehemently rejected assertions of child abandonment by Russian authorities, saying he was watched over by a United Airlines stewardess and the family paid a man $200 to pick the boy up at the Moscow airport and take him to the Russian Education and Science Ministry.

http://www.boston.com/news/world/eur...russia?mode=PF

Im curious, can you really heal from a closed adoption?

Never knowing anything.

Although im the happiest, level headed male right now, changed in so many ways. I still think and wonder.

I will never know anything, never find my info out. NYS SUCKS, but so many other states are the same.

It's the one thing that i cannot heal from, i WANT answers.

I wanna know who i look like, my heritage, my beginning. cause my present ROCKS!

Sam.I hope you get the ansers you are looking for,just breath deep let it come to u.

While this is really sad for the children, it does not in any way surprise me, when still the thing to do is give children away in this country, with no answers for the humans just given away.

I guess it seems easier to adopt a child from a far away land when really there is no info for the child of his or her heritage.

You still hear how the children should be thankful how they could have ended up in orphanages or worse.

Whats worse is being given away to adoptive parents who are abusive.

Its horrible the child was sent back, but maybe its for the best.

I was flipping channels and on Lifetime and there is a movie on about closed adoptions.

It still is going on.

I know Lifetime is fiction...but people still think that if they dont have birth control around, no one will get pregnant. Its not true.

and if someone gets pregnant? give the child away, or endless visits to the doc and planned parenthood for an abortion.

ugh.