Evening to everyone,

It has been a weird day at work! Found out that one of our residents passed away last night :( He was a sweet older gentleman. I am exhausted and I picked up a shift for Sunday, which is overtime.

Have a good night,

Zimmeh

I came out to other gays in High School but didn't share with straight friends or family until college. Even in college it was more of a casual mention when the topic of homosexuality came up. When I started to identify as butch, I think my appearance (and mannerisms) kept me out. I can't imagine not being out now.

Good to see you as well. :) Yeah, after having done the whole lifestyle 24/7 thing, it simply doesn't work for me and is too much of a headache to try. Whether I am dominating or submitting for the a period of time, after that, I want the kind of woman who's fine curling back into me on the couch or allowing me to lay my head in her lap and just BE. Trust is huge. Honesty is huge. I want the kind of wife who we can tell each other anything and know it's just honest, not attacking, and that together, we can work through whatever we're facing even if it leaves us a bit raw and healing sometimes. That kind of love and trust holds it all together. Without that, you can't have the kind of love I am seeking.

Coming Out...
 

Hmmmm.... Coming out stories....

When I came out as a butch lesbian, was first ever with a woman:

I was in college, had an older lesbian sending me all kinds of mixed signals while I was closeted. Was a trying time considering I was from a small town in NC where it was not at all acceptable. Finally, after feeling so lost and hopeless, I risked everything and called my dad. I tried to hold it together but started crying when I heard his voice. He went into "Daddy" mode, poor guy was thinking I was hurt, pregnant, wrecked my car,... Lord knows what else. I finally just said, "Dad, I think I'm gay." Longest. Silence. Ever. I finally spoke and asked, "Dad, did ya hear me?" He said, "Yeah, Honey, I heard you. I'm just waiting for that to sink in." He was so understanding, so loving, but that's always been my dad's way.

As for my first time...

I was 22; she was 23 and a cop from Texas. Things heated up when I took her out riding on the quad (four wheeler) out at my sister's one September night. She curled in against my back with her hands along my hips, that innocent ride turned out not so innocent when she asked me to pull behind a section of trees for privacy. She straddled me, light kisses became deeper, longer, more passionate. My hands slid along the hem, fingers grazing her skin. She knew I'd never been with a woman and took the initiative to remove her shirt. As soon as she started, I continued. The bra came off, hands wandered, lips, teeth, and tongues wandered-- she suggested I take her home to continue. I did. We did. WOW! And thank God, I wasn't completely lost-- LOL! I had cable television. No, seriously, I've always been very observant, watched people. I am great at reading body language, and I was eager to explore and had ego problems in being led. Again, WOW!

As a Transman:

It was sad, depressing. I was 28, on the verge of making some very personal, very foolish, very FINAL, decisions. A fan of his work, Loren Cameron and I had emailed a few times, and I remember asking him, "When? How do you know when?" I told him my situation, told him how scared I was and how dark my thoughts were becoming. It boiled down to you'll know the right time when you have only two decisions left: you can die inside, or allow it to eat you alive until you break and take your own life, OR you can stand firm, know it is going to hurt and be difficult, ready yourself for one hell of a fight, and get ready to take on whatever is thrown at you. You can CHOOSE to live, truly be who YOU are. I choose me. Shortly after, I eased into it, tested the waters. I told a few close friends, opened a little at a time, to friends online,... And then to my Dad. He struggled, and there was a time when we didn't speak for around a year. But my parents came to accept it, are slowly becoming more and more comfortable with it especially after I moved back to the city where I was born and reared. They still occasionally slip with the pronouns, but they try. In fact, I shaved my beard, and my Dad told me I should grow it back, that a little bit of a mustache and chin scruff looked good on me. My sister was the most accepting though she did sway a little once. She, herself, later came out as bisexual. My nephews had no trouble accepting it. They think it's great because transmen get a unique perspective on masculine and feminine as we come into our own.

I'd say the difference in coming out as a lesbian vs. coming out as a transman, for me personally, was that it is more of a process, not a moment, coming out as trans. It takes a great deal longer to adjust and analyze oneself and become comfortable with who you are.

Agreed. I want the kind of relationship where curled up talking or quietly being with each other is more meaningful than anywhere else she and I might go out. I want sanctuary. In myself. In the Home. One day, in her arms. If that dynamic comes about later, if that dynamic never becomes a part of my relationship, that isn't a concern of mine. I want a wife with a kinky streak, not a lifestyler who also happens to be my wife. The complications and pain and damage of that in my last relationship has burned me too badly, changed me too deeply, that if that dynamic ever reared its head in my future, it would have to be handled with velvet gloves, would have to be a "start at the beginning" kind of thing. It took me a while to find me again, and I won't have that. I won't be so eager to be who my partner wants me to be that I lose who I am. Each day, I want to be a better, stronger version of the man she fell in love with, not someone new to the point where I don't recognize me anymore. It's not worth it to me. I want to be able to enjoy all the vanilla aspects of that physical side of love WITHOUT having to incorporate those BDSM elements into it. At the end of the day, I don't want to be her Dom or Boi, her Master or her Sub, Slave, Toy, or Pet. I just wanna be Nicholas, her Love, and have that be enough.

Tonight is one night that I wish I had a partner. I had to help with a resident who was in full code. Nothing we did could save him. I will be going home alone to cry, for a great gentleman who decided tonight was his night to become an Angel.

Zimmeh

I'm so sorry. I was at a childhood friend's wake this evening. I was fine til I reached the casket, then the tears just came. The place was full, and I didn't want to upset anyone. I had to step away and choke em down til I could be alone. Fortunately, my lil sister (closest childhood friend) was there, saw me, could tell I needed the hug. To be such a big guy, I'm a mushball. It's a big part of why I did phlebotomy briefly but never pursued nursing. Caring for people constantly only to lose them-- it would crush me.

Get to feeling better and rest :)

Hugs my friend,

Zimmeh

Sending you a virtual hug! The resident was in a different unit, and the majority of us went to help them out. My heart goes out to the nurse and cna who found him. This is my first time seeing someone pass away, so it made me emotional. I came home to kisses from my Babygirl pup.

Zimmeh

HUGS! And thank you, Sweetie. And hugs to you as well!

Good morning everyone,

Leaving you all some Yoplait yogurt with toast and coffee. I am looking forward to my day off tomorrow. I am going to see what movie is playing and take myself to it. This has been a very busy two weeks and by Sunday, I will have worked a total of 105 hours in two weeks. I am also thinking that foot massage is in order.

Have a good day,

Zimmeh

Hope you all are having a good week! My mom and I are going shopping at the Olde Time Pottery store tomorrow :) We are still looking for Christmas decorations for our houses.

Leaving you all some treats and cold drinks to enjoy :)

Zimmeh

Good Mornjng Everyone!

It is a gorgeous, sunny and cool morning here in my part of Florida. Waiting for my mom so we can do some early Christmas shopping! I cannot believe Halloween is eleven days away and then Thanksgiving is in a month :/ Where has this year gone?

I had one pancake with cranberries and butter on top with a cup of Starbucks Anniversary Blend coffee this morning.

Have a good day,

Zimmeh

Now that my nephew is gone, I will be playing catch up on work and cleaning this weekend. I am brewing continuous cups of coffee to keep up my energy levels

Hope you all are having a great week! This is my third week of working over 55 hours. I am off this coming weekend and I have no plans.

Zimmeh