Thoughts
 

I love how you just put this out on the table to examine, I think that happens a lot in poly relationships, people have a misconception and people who have submissive tendencies, character, habits will fall prey to someone who can manipulate them to think that *messy* poly is *acceptable* poly.


Submissive.bottom.slave does not mean you get to be treated like shit, manipulated, lied to etc.

Thanks for bringing that up!!

Nor does it mean you are on beck and call all the time.

Many people don't understand boundaries unless stated very clearly. I know some people are conflict avoidant and thus hate stating them bluntly and obviously. One of my best mates and my flat mate is like this. She an introvert, quiet, submissive and very avoidant. She does what she's told in order to please but gets very pissed off when someone doesn't meet her needs. She often talks to me about how upset she gets with her gf who is very dominant and says things and does things that upsets her but she thinks the whole world will turn upside down if she says anything or says "no" - her no usually looks like her being slightly uncomfortable and then trying to smile and saying well... Just let me check on that. And hoping you'll forget to ask her. She hints at no, rather than saying it outright.

Then gets upset her gf pushes. Or doesn't notice that she needs to talk because she's hinting at it.

I've told her over and over she needs to point blank say it. But she can't. It terrifying for her. And since her gf doesn't know her like I do (25 years) and her gf is a plain speaker, dominant and blunt, she thinks Emily means what she is saying.

I'm not saying this is you. I'm talking about this because three of my closest friends are all submissive introverts that often lose themselves in relationships because of this and have avoided relationships for years because of that fear. Em finally got into one but has fallen right back into it. It makes me sad to see them do this. My one friend has three Doms but refuses to be in a relationship with any of them. Sex only. They call when they want her, which is about every six weeks. She actually comes and talks to me first if she needs to say no because she gets highly anxious about it and freaked out. Sometimes I have the urge to just grab the phone out of her hand and type "no thanks, I'm busy tonight." If I put a softener at the end of that like "too bad though cause it sounds hot" to try and not 'hurt their feelings' they will see that as an opportunity to say "well if it is, then say yes anyway."
I keep telling her it's still polite to just say no without having to explain yourself. She doesn't like not trying to give reassurance when she says no. But it often gets her harassed for it. I now don't give reassurances unless someone asks me for them. That was another lesson. And I now find them actually kind of irritating if someone attempts to reassure me when I haven't asked/don't need because it feels like I'm being "softened" or "pandered".

Believe it or not I was really similar in a relationship. Until I did escorting dom work. Then I was exposed to extremely needy submissive men with a lot of privilege. And it cleared up my boundary problem in a tick lol. Sex work did wonders for my boundaries issues, more than 9 years of therapy did, anyway lol.

Hi, I'm Anne. I'm in Seattle.

Hi Anne and everyone. I'm Rebecca and my partner and I live near DC. Hope everyone is enjoying this Spring weather!

I'm too tired to flirt, but mingling would be nice!

I am trying hard to start the mingle and flirt game again... its a lot more complicated then I remember... maybe I'm just getting old.

I find unwanted challenge in meeting like-minded (or open-minded) people. It is like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Hi Everyone,

I have not done any reading here until now but something different came into my mind about a week or two ago ... I had not ever considered or given any thought to poly type relationships before now. At this point, I honestly don't know much about developing guidelines or what they are ... well f* ck, being direct always seems better for me so let me simply say I know nothing about this and how the general poly community goes about things.

I think the best thing I can do is come here and educate myself by reading your posts ...

Thanks. :)
From someone who is sitting on the fence.

We need to get together...

MARK your calander... I'm camping at the cabins again starting June 29th...

Okkkkkkkkkk will do

opens door and pokes head inside and waves to everyone *

I was researching books on poly relationships and this one kept popping up: The Ethical Slut

Do any of you recommend this book in a favorable way or give it a thumbs down for a NOOB like me?

Any additional suggestions will be appreciated. I'm trying to find a good starting place with something I am unfamiliar with.

Thanks. :)

I'd definitely recommend The Ethical Slut. I think it's very accessible for someone new to polyamory, or for someone who is just curious. I haven't really read any other books about it, so I couldn't really say. I did a quick glance at what came up on Amazon and I didn't recognize even one other book I've heard other people talk about, let alone read myself.

There are as many ways to be poly as there are to be a Butch or a Femme. It's kinda just what works for you and your partner(s). That's probably a process if you've never tried it before. I know a lot of people in the kinky world who are poly and I can say I have seen many different ways of structuring (or not structuring) poly relationships. If you asked a hundred people what poly means you'd get a hundred different definitions, as they like to say.

For me personally--my partner identifies as poly and I don't and we had to do a LOT of negotiating until we could get to a place where we both felt we were getting what we needed. I think for us the most important part was to be able to figure out and name what each of our core needs was.

I second the endorsement for The Ethical Slut. I also recommend Opening Up by Tristan Taormino.

candy _ coated _ bitch and anaisninja:

Thanks to both of you for your valuable replies.
:)

Opening Up - A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino
is an excellent resource!

*stops by to wave at people and skips back out*

Queer, poly, kinky transguy here.

I agree that Opening Up is a wonderful book!