Butch Femme Planet - What is Forgiveness?

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Kätzchen (Post 1023934)

I too struggle with the notion of forgiveness. Moreover, I don't think I even subscribe to the notion of forgiveness. And here is why I don't (although I used to):

I think anyone, myself included, can make a conscious decision to accept or not accept situations that do not have our best interests at heart. Being able to say to myself (rhetorical proposition, example), "Am I going to accept x-y-z sets of behavior ? (Absolutely not, if it does not serve my best interest),"

Setting myself free from the social construction of the notion that forgiveness is the answer has liberated from the burden of taking on sh*t that belongs wholly on the perpetrator of such stuff . I can only own my self, my choices, my behaviors, my decisions, which my goal is to act with responsibility that privileges my best interests, with latitude for the best interest of another.

I have more thoughts about this kind of issue because it's not an easy subject to untangle.

Completely understand. And ultimately agree. It was a revelation to have a counselour tell me "you don't need to forgive someone to heal." I let go of so much stuff when I learned that. And I think I did actually really start getting better knowing I didn't have to forgive. That my anger was something that wouldn't harm me and was valid and wasn't poison.

I learned that all my emotions were valid and healthy and there for a reason. That forgiveness is what is needed in order to have continuing relationships with people. I agree with that. But acceptance is all I need to have if I no longer want one.

Quote:

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake (Post 1023957)

That was the turning point for me too, learning that my emotions, feelings, and thoughts, were valid responses, that I didn't need to forgive someone in order to heal. I think that is wonderful that a counselor advised you in that way.

I think what led me to the same realization, the slow process of coming to a similar understanding as you, was through the many people who have been in my life over the years; the way they have nurtured me throughout my own process of coming to a place where I can release and let go (which, in my mind, is not the same as the concept of forgiveness) and know that I can make choices that will help me in my own life.

I think it's an important discovery to know that we don't need to forgive in order to heal. Thank you for articulating that insight.

I just read about a way to reframe forgiveness so that its easier to move on.

"Forgiveness is accepting that the outcome could be anything different"

I need to work on this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BarbaraRyan (Post 168433)

I think it's about choice, empowerment, and moving forward. It's the part in the process where we can stand up, acknowledge what's happened, and how it's affected us. Then, we choose to say "Okay, I can forgive that - now it's time for me to make my life and to no longer let the event or person have any control."

And it's easier said than done.

Amen to that. I agree with what you said. Now, if I can only follow this about my stepmother.

Deborah

Quote:

Originally Posted by homoe (Post 1023073)

I CAN forgive but I will NEVER forget! I mean we study history so we don't make the same mistakes twice right?

Yes, especially when you're jewish like me. The war.

Deborah

Quote:

Originally Posted by girl_dee (Post 1132592)

I just read about a way to reframe forgiveness so that its easier to move on.

"Forgiveness is accepting that the outcome could be anything different"

I need to work on this.

Still working on this. Need to try harder