Blake, I think you know recently I had heart surgery. My Mitral Valve needed repair. Also, my heart was in rapid atrial fibrillation. During the surgery the valve was repaired and a procedure called a "maze" was performed on me for the atrial fibrillation.

When I was diagnosed with heart problems back in late February my doctors and I decided it was best for me to stop taking T because of the fast beating heart, atrial fibrillation. The doctors do not think the Mitral Valve malfunction is related to my use of T. However, they cannot rule out the atrial fibrillation as a result of increased T in my body for the past few years.

Starting T was the last phase of my physical transition. (I clarify physical because it is my belief that as far as my insides go, my personality, values, character has not been altered. I could give a more insightful explanation but that is an entirely different and important conversation, IMO.)

Back to the physical side of things, I did research transitioning for about three years before moving forward. I knew some of the dangers could be increased blood pressure, cholesterol goes up and/or liver damage.

It is unsure at this point if I will ever go back on T but in my mind, my physical health is the priority. I still get called "Ma'am" often. When I get referred to as ma'am, I question myself why I twinge. Is it internalized misogyny or is the twinge knowing the truth about myself?

I wish you all the best in resuming taking T. Remember, you are still who you are with or without the T. Also, I think guys like you out in the more conservative areas are heros when you are not in the closet about your gender and/or sexuality.

:) I appreciate your compliment and open words , feelings always brother .
I totally get the twinge feeling you get . I believe a lot of trans guys experience the twinge quite often .
You know , I posted once on another site about how in junior high , I was forced to see a psychologist who in turn gave me the diagnosis as having GID. My mother was the director over of a behavioral health/chemical dependancy unit at a hospital during this time .
In my 20's , I paid a visit to the same psychologist and expressed alot harbored anger towards his false diagnosis . I never denied nor was ever delusional of my biological gender .
However, was positive I was born in the wrong body for whatever reason .
Many years I have studied in depth of the bodies neuro as well as endocrine systems and in my opinion alone I am a believer that we as trans stems from abnormal hormone imbalances as well as neuro chemical imbalances which occur in utero and is unreversable

That was off topic I know and you are so right that taking T , preop, post op, opting to never take any chemical , hormonal or surgical routes doesn't make anyone less trans or less who they feel internally or externally so I agree with you a lot.
I've spoken to several ftm post op top , bottom and full time T users and I asked one specifically who did intact have liver failure as well as multiple heart issues secondary to the T why he chose to continue the path verses stopping hormone therapy and have his health improve and gain a longer lifespan. His answer was that he'd rather live a year happy as he is on this contined transition than to live 50 years unhappy having decreased testosterone.
That's very admirable to me . It may not be what I would choose but there is no right or wrong choice as long as you are firm and happy with the decision you choose .
Im so happy you are on the healing mend brother !!!!
Its hard to tell why you went into fib so I see why they said they couldn't rule out the T as a cause .

Oh yeah , as for the area in which I was born and raised I just always hold my head high and stay true to who I am . Folks are very uneducated of sex and gender issues so they fall back with what they know about it which is the old southern baptist upbringing and the Lord says .......
As sad as the poverty is as well as the lack of education in certain parts , I'm just as proud of who I am as well as being an Appalachian .
I feel that the Appalachian generation today as well the future kids will be ending this lack of understanding and compassion and unacceptance to the gay community as a whole :)

Blake -

You may enjoy reading this article I posted on another thread. It is rather dense reading, but gives good information on both brain imaging studies and brain splicing studies.

http://openmindedhealth.com/2012/01/...brain-studies/

I am so sick of being labeled. I would have thought that by 2013 the medical field would have gotten away from using labels disguised as a diagnosis long ago However, I found out very recently that this fantasy of mine has not happened yet so I now have another label stuck on me. I now am, according to the ones with degrees, someone with gender identity disorder GID. Last time I looked I have no problem with the body I was born into except that it does not match the body in my head or the one I believe I should have been born into. Can you tell I don't appreciate having the label GID especially when there are so many I could have received. I also have no problem being trans and if I have to live my life in this body it will not kill me. It also will not make me happy or to feel complete. When will our society get away from labels and trying to put people into a box.

Thank you dapper , I'm always reading info and I started to read this just now and our pager went off on our unit to get an admission so ill read this when I get off work in the morning for sure and get back to you on what I think about the article .
:)

Would you mind discussing what the condition was and/or the effects of T on the condition? If you choose to discuss the condition, would you tell us about the damage to the internal organs too? I'm just curious as to what it was all about as we do not get a lot of information shared between us when there is a problem with taking T. If you'd be willing to put it out there, I'm sure other trans guys will appreciate it as well as myself. If you don't feel comfortable speaking about it, then I can understand and respect your choice. Thank you for sharing what you have already posted, Graff.

I'd be glad to share. I'm pretty open about myself and am always willing to share and educate if and when I can. I extend an open invite to ANYONE who wants to know more, or has questions. Feel free to ask me anything here or via PM if you aren't comfortable posting publicly.

From what my Dr. could tell, I developed endometriosis at the age of 14. It was mild and wasn't caught until the surgery. I had problems with it before I started T but it had never been detected, even after having a scope done in 1997. It didn't even show up in any ultrasounds or other tests I had up to, and including, the week before I had surgery.

When the Dr. went in to do the hysto she found that the scar tissue from the endometriosis had attached to several of my internal organs and fused them all together. (I have the pictures somewhere - gross) The only reason it progressed so far and to such a serious state was mostly my fault. The T sped up the process and since I waited 7 years to have the hysto... yeah...

I guess it was so bad that my Dr. stopped the surgery, called in a specialist and contacted all my emergency contacts. They did not know if I would make it though the repairs needed. Each organ had to be separated from each other and placed back into its correct position. My uterus and one ovary was removed. The other one was left because the possibility of being able to ever be on T again was not known. Due to the amount of damage and stress to my body they had trouble getting me to breathe on my own when I was in recovery.

To this day I still get some pain, but it is unclear if it is phantom pain (all in my head) or if it is due to some residual scarring. The Drs got as much of the scar tissue out as they could but there is always the risk some was missed. My remaining ovary is now giving me some problems and may have to come out at some point, but that is unclear at this time. I will be going to the U of MN gender clinic in the next few months to have it checked out and to resume taking T.

My advice to other trans guys: Get your shit checked out often and do what your Dr says!!! Don't be like me and ignore or put off the important stuff. LOL

FtM place to vent and talk
 

Graff,

Thank you for sharing your story. You're here for a reason. Thank you.

Great, would love to have a discussion about it. Perhaps I should start a thread on for discussion on trans research. I am not sure that we have enough trans people here who would be interested in such a discussion, though. I guess the worst that can happen is that the thread will just die!

Hey, KnightsBlade, I work in the field of mental health, so if you would like a additional info. on why you might have been given this diagnosis, I would be happy to talk with you about it.

As an aside, the mental health community does not see gender dysphoria (or GID) as a mental illness, it is just kept in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel so that people can get insurance to pay for counseling or medical services (hormone, sugery). The new DSM (that just came out, DSM V), actually changed the diagnosis to Gender Dysphoria, because it is not seen as a disorder. It just means that people feel distress due to the body they are born in. It does not mean that people who are trans have a mental illness.

Anyway, I never "diagnose" anyone with GID (meaning, send that diagnose to their insurance company), unless they request it so that they can get medical services (it is needed in order for insurance company to pay for top surgeries and also for surgeons who follow the Standards of Care to actually agree to do the surgery).

Ok, so this is long winded, but I hope the above makes you feel better. Of course, not knowing more info. I can't tell you if the doc was trying to help or was being a dick. Either way, I think they should have talked with you about it, if they actually put that on an insurance form.

To this day I'm always annoyed at people who care about my sexual orientation. I have sat and thought and tried to figured out why people care so much, and i've come up with the only logical conclusion: they think about me having sex. Somehow in their mind they have to know that i'm having sex with a bio male, and I wonder "now, who's the messed up one?".

Feel a little odd posting about my life in a room full of strangers so to speak. But I've been reading a bit about the things you all share and I don't think it's strangers so much as people I just haven't met yet.

I transitioned when I was in my mid 20's, before acceptance had come as far as it has which is farther than I could ever imagined. My wife of 21 years died just over 4 years ago and I haven't dated more than half a dozen times since then. It's a little awkward for me right now because I've met a femme who's held my interest for several months. We met at Pride last May and I thought she had some idea that I fell on the queer spectrum somewhere but recently a friend asked me what evidence I had of that and I'm no face to face with the fact that she might not read me as trans because I've been lucky enough to always present and pass as biomale. My wife knew me before and during my transition so no explaining necessary. I've never had to explain to a woman I wanted to date that I'm trans. I don't even know how to begin the conversation. It seems stupid at my age to wonder how to start a conversation about anything. Here I am though and I need to discuss it with her soon. She's still on the mend from a hard breakup about a year or more ago and it took some patience and some conversation before she'd agreed to go out with me. We've had 3 dates so far and I made sure they were all low-key and completely casual so that she wouldn't feel things were moving too fast. She's an amazing woman and I want to do something more special when we see one another next but I don't think I can go any farther until I clear up this one issue. I'm going to tell her of course but what's the opening line? "Hey, did you know I'm trans" sounds a little blunt. Anyone got 2 cents to chip in?

I don't have an answer for you. Be honest about yourself and your feelings and hope for the best. When the inevitable conversation happens, just be yourself.

Try to put yourself in her spot when you feel like it's time to have that conversation with her. Ask yourself what you would want to hear. You obviously want to continue seeing this lady, you will find the answers within yourself. You've described her as an amazing woman. I think that will help you find some of your answers. Good luck, Nic. Like Corkey said, be yourself.

Why the hell can't we have a safe and efficient T delivery system that isn't a shot.

Hey all... well, it's not much, but I tried to make my life a little more "one."

I had a separate Facebook account for my trans* self (for all my contacts/support groups/pages I was following) from my regular "real" person account. I had done this while I was exploring/examining myself, trying to figure out what I wanted to do now that I had this realization about myself. I finally merged the accounts together into one, moving my trans* community over to the main Facebook account.

Unfortunately in the process I lost a lot of people. Facebook thought I was a scammer trying to friend all these people at once.

I know it's not that huge of a deal; it's just having it all out in the open now, just trying to live/be as one, as a true self.

Thanks for this story
I recently had most of the same issues
Mine started as cancer when I was 23 they did not get it all as stated in the paperwork and last year it came back with a vengeance but all is ok now

Turns out the specialist they called in took out the good ovary and left the bad one... so now they want to take this one out too.

Hear! Hear! I self-administer my shots because of my travel schedule. And my fear of shots is the same or worse when I first started. That said, I know there are some new delivery methods for T being researched. One that I remember from a few years ago was the pellet method (subdermal/under skin). While this provided a long term (a year or two worth) from a simple day surgery procedure the cost and the fact that it wasn't covered by health care has probably prevented its commonplace usage.

Random boners are now a thing. Fun but annoying.

Been a while since I've been online. Thanks to everyone who sent opinions and advice.

Update:
The femme I've been interested in is still on the horizon. She's started to be pretty important to me over the last 4 weeks and given me 100 more reasons to think well of her. Been trying to give her a few reasons to think well of me also. (Fingers crossed for success)

She likes Indian food so I took her to a place I like. We had a great time. Went for coffee afterward and sat downtown to people watch. Took her home and realized I hadn't said anything because we'd been having such a good time. So I told her before I got out of the car to walk her to her door. I'm thinking, "Ridiculous to have this discussion in the car" but she's easy to talk to so I just went for it. Turns out she knew I was Trans without me telling her. Put it together based on some pretty subtle clues. She says she didn't say anything because she thought the story was mine to tell if I wanted to and not hers to pursue without invitation. The conversation that followed was pretty amazing. I haven't connected with someone like this since my wife died.

I think my 16 year relationship is ending soon because I am a transman. She just can't deal with it. I've been very hopeful that we could work it out and come to some compromise point or figure out a way for us to both be happy but I now believe that all hope is lost. Feeling very sad today. :'-(((

Maverick

Sorry Maverick. That is rough.

I will share a bit.
In regards to a past relationship that i had.
(a woman that has never been to the bf sites.)
What helped me...
I had to acknowledge, accept and appreciate that, like me, she had her evolution, as well. (I do believe that all relationships and people do.)
I was part of that process. And honestly, I am glad that she went on to be with a biomale. It is what was right for her. And also, kept her from going to another butch or transman.

She loved me and both our hearts broke.

It is not easy to partner with a transmen.

I wish the best for both of you.

Thank you DMW. I really did find your words comforting. And I agree with you that we all, even our relationships, have our own evolution. My partner does love me. I know this. I suppose this is the reason this is so hard because we both still love each other very much. Our hearts are breaking as you said. I guess I always thought that if there was love than there was hope. I am seeing now that this is not necessarily true.

Thanks again.

Trying to distract myself tonight. Feeling on edge. Read pretty much every thread I could click on to get my mind off my day. Not angry. Just restless. Tomorrow's on my mind.

Today I get a text from the woman I'm seriously interested in that says "I planning on telling him, I'm just not ready! I need a few more days to decide what I'm going to say. Leave it will you?!" First thing I think is, "Damn am I about to hear "We need to talk"? Second thing I think is "This text wasn't for me."

She has another friend named Nick that she hangs out with pretty often so I think maybe it's for him. I've met him. Nice guy, funny, smart, good looking, but she never indicated an interest in bio-males and I didn't get the vibe they had more than friendship going on. I haven't dated any one person seriously since my 20's so maybe I'm dense but I'm 99.9% sure that she's not hooking up. Still couldn't help running worst case scenarios in my head. The only thing that stuck was there's someone else and he's pressuring her to break up with me sooner rather than later. Even if it's not that, she's getting advice from someone else regarding something that sounds like it's about us. If she needs a friend as a sounding board that's all good but since the story's out I figure I should be part of the conversation now. I think eventually she's going to notice she sent the text to the wrong person so I quit spinning, do a fast search for my huevos, and shoot a message back saying "Don't think this was meant for me. Do we need to make time to talk about something?" I get nothing in the next 10 minutes and then I'm swamped so I leave it alone. About an hour later she replies with, "I'm very sorry. That was meant for Nick. Yes, we do need to talk."

After some more back and forth all I know is that she honestly doesn't know if I'll think what she has to talk to me about is good or bad, it's just important that she tells me. She's been babysitting since noon for friends so they could go to Boston for their anniversary and won't be home until late tomorrow morning. Neither of us wants to have the conversation via text or phone so I told her we could table the discussion as long as the rest of it happened in 24 hours or less. Instead of dinner out tomorrow as planned, she's coming to my place to BBQ and talk. Didn't ask if she's breaking up with me. I want that face to face if it's coming.

Tried to relax tonight but I can't focus on my book. Still sorting worst case scenarios in my head. Reading threads tonight made me wonder if she's reluctant to get serious because I'm trans. I know she was in love with a transman at some point so I want to say no. Occurred to me about an hour ago that maybe she was still married to someone. She won't discuss in depth details of past relationships. She just says things like her long term relationships were all with good people. I know she's been married before and once she said that her most significant relationship ended because she didn't do what she should have. None of that bothers me. Past is past. I don't talk about Aubrey much but for different reasons. But if she's married, obviously there's a problem.

Something she said a while back that makes me wonder if she's afraid of commitment. Months ago when I told her I wanted us to date more seriously she told me 1) she wasn't ready to be serious with anyone and 2) if she ever wanted to change her mind it wouldn't happen unless she knew without a doubt she wasn't going to be #2 or 3 or 4 on someone's priority list ever again. At the time she knew I was going on occasional dates with other friends but that it wasn't serious with anyone. The night she said this she wasn't majorly upset but it was obviously an emotional issue for her. I asked some questions but she wouldn't go into more detail which translated into "past relationship issue" in my book. Didn't pressure her but I walked away 100% clear that continuing to date other women was a deal breaker if I wanted to move ahead with her. Made sure I was completely single by the next day and made sure she knew it. Told her to her face that I wouldn't be dating another woman as long as I was seeing her. Made her cry but we never talked about it again and I just went on trying to be someone she could trust and look up to. Now she's afraid to talk to me and I don't know why. First time I've worried that I could lose out on something good because of something I don't know. Going in circles. Really need to stop. Just keep re-reading that text and trying to see something less ominous in it.

We've fallen into mutual silence. Maybe we both needed time for reflection. Talked it over with my own sounding board who asked if I was angry. I'm not. Not even a little. She's never avoided hard conversations before. She's been open about everything from opinions about world events and her ignorance about politics to her own faults, mistakes and regrets and things she's done that she's ashamed of so if she's keeping something from me it makes me think she's afraid. Fear does a number on logic every time. I want to make a permanent place in my life for this girl if she'll have me. Haven't faced any big issues together but if we've arrived at the first one I'm ready to show up every day until it's over. Guess I'm worried for myself but more worried about her. No matter what happens, I hate the idea of her going to bed afraid. I'm going to break the silence and make my usual good night call. I want to tell her that all she has to do is make it to tomorrow.

Hey, Nic. I have no words of wisdom, just wanted to acknowlege the struggle you are in right now. I hope that tomorrow goes well for you. Take care.

Update:
1) There's a femme in my house while I'm at work! It was almost 4:30 by the time "the talk" (which was VERY GOOD) was over so I put my favorite quilt on the guest bed and had her do her dreaming at my place rather than go the 8 miles to hers after such an intense evening.
2) I'm the happiest man in the world!

Hey, this is great! I was hoping you would come back and post!

WTF is wrong with abusers? Seriously.

This evening I noticed that several of my friends on Facebook, had made comments in response to a blog written by a butch. As I skimmed over the post, I thought, "oh, so and so, has a new name, but is still spewing the same old transphobic hate talk." She felt sad that guys like me, (she called us sisters,) had become convinced by the patriarchy, that we couldn't be women, and dress as we wanted to. I wanted to tell her, "sister, I dressed like this when I was a big bull dyke, the patriarchy didn't convince me of anything about the clothes I choose to wear." The sad truth about her rant, was that it was just as misogynistic as the patriarchy. She was mourning the "loss" of another butch, who chose to transition, but what did she lose? I didn't stop being a feminist when I transitioned. I didn't walk away from my lesbian friends. My friends don't speak about my choice to do with my body, what I have done, in such a hateful manner. If she were one of my friends though, I would walk away, and not look back. She would lose me, for sure.

Sorry about your disappointing experience Weird that she chooses to oppose behavior that dictates identity rules to women and then employs the same patriarchal tactics she decries to dictate identity rules to trans folk. Sounds like a very confused person.

Haircut From Hell: With A Side Order of Homophobia and Transphobia
 

Has anyone had this experience?

I have to share Days of Sheridan’s Haircut, it’s like Days of Our Lives but with more drama (and homophobia and/or transphobia). But it is kinda of humorous because I think they wanted me to drop my pants to check and find out which they needed to go for.

I had a fun time getting my hair cut today (which pissed me off ). A haircut with a side order of homophobia and/or transphobia (I am not even sure which way the woman was going, because this woman was bat shit nuts and so was her friend, but her haircut turned out ok after the drama).

I was starting to look like a sheep dog (or Josh Groban on crack) ;) and decided: Hey it’s time to make a donation to the hair fairies. I went into a place I had gone before because the gal that cut my hair before was really funny and talked about all kinds of stuff and about her family and gave a good haircut without any drama. Well, I went in (and of course she was not there). But I thought, hey anyone can do the whacking (yes my hair needs deep discipline and probably a deep conditioner). :P

So the gal that was there was going to take me back right away but I told her I wanted to look at styles of haircuts and I had just picked up the guy’s haircut book to look at (which I do every place I go). She stated that that book would do me no good (will I had used this book once before and the cut I picked was awesome). I said I wanted a style from that book (so she stood and waited, eyeing me up and down, not in a flirtatious way and glancing at my crotch). I almost walked out but finding a place open and not a full on women’s salon or without an appointment in my area at almost 5pm was going to be a pain in the ass and I still had to shop (which I hate).

So I picked my style and swaggered back to the whacking chair. So the drama began. She told me the style I picked was too long (it really was pretty short) and that I needed to get a buzz cut. I told her I did not want a buzz cut. She told me I needed a buzz cut because it would look better on me. I said I wanted the style I picked. She said if you want to look more male you should get a buzz cut. I said the haircut I wanted was perfect for my face and my curly hair. I was thinking to myself “I don’t want to look like a white supremacist, but thanks for the advice lady”. But I closed my mouth. So she kept hounding me about it and I knew that she was not going to allow me to get my pick. So I looked through the book again and found one that was almost the same but just a little shorter (it had better bangs, so I got a better cut anyway). I said this is the one I want. So finally I got my cut with her bitching all the way that it was too girlie for me (I never pick girlie cuts) but a buzz cut was out of the question (I hate them). I sat in the chair meditating, wanting to leap and run, while she bitched and giggled with other woman that worked there about me and my hair.

I am not sure if she thought I was a bull dyke (which I get a lot) or a transgendered man or she thought I was a possible transgendered woman or gay man that needed to man up to fit his genitals, whatever it was it pissed me off. I am never going back there again. WTF????? The area I live in has a nice size community of LGBTQ people and this behavior just pisses me off and it just continues on and on. And as I was leaving she was still looking at my crotch (I wanted to moon her, but that would be socially unacceptable).

So how was your day?

I was going to post this in the listening to each other thread ( excuse the wrong name please) then decided that it really belongs here or at least I hope so.

I have been on T for three or four months now. Not nearly long enough but thanks to already having my histro 16 years ago I have had some amazing and faster than usual results in some areas. I recently was hospitalized for phenomena (sp) and all kinds of tests were ran due to how bad it was. Anyways to make a long story short they found two large masses on each of my adrino glands during the testing. Right now I wish they had found anything else but that. I was told today that there is a large chance that I will have to stop taking my T due to this.

It is not official yet and I have another appointment with another Dr next Thursday about it nit I feel like my whole world has evaporated. I have been fighting the system and society for 40 years to look like the man I know I am and I am only 46 years old. I moved across the country and let go of everyone I knew in order to officially start my transition in January of this year.

I waited 5 months to see a doctor to start the T only to find out a month before the appointment that she was retiring and then another two months to get a doctor that was willing to treat me after having one that said he was until I asked so when do we start talking about hormone replacement therapy. Then all of a sudden I was speaking a foreign language it appears that he is willing to treat transgender individuals as long as hormones aren't involved. WTF especially since I mentioned hormones in the first appointment.

Anyways eventually I got a doctor willing to treat me and I some how figured pit how to afford to pay for the T out of my own pocket. I tell you I was one happy man. Even with the discomfort involved with the first couple of months I was a happy man. However I was not a stupid man I kept the words from the guys here like Greyson (sp) and others that told me to be cautious and there may be higher risks because of my age. I also kept the words of encouragement from so many of you throughout my journey when I was posting in the Bravehearts thread. Today though I felt so alone and so defeated.
I keep telling myself that the other specialist may not have the same opinion about having to stop my T. I even tell myself at least they didn't find cancer in my lungs to be honest guys there are seconds today that I wish they had.
Ok stepping off my venting everything and making no sense box now.

Hang in there, guy. I hope it all works out and you don't have to get off of T since it has made such a positive difference in your life.

KnightsBlade, nothing can change who you believe yourself to be. With or without the T, you are still you. I think I can empathize with you but each person's idea of their identity is not a cookie cutter matter. I hope things work out for you. Try to love and accept yourself no matter what.

Respectfully,
Greyson

I live as a straight man among straights. This is the only [FTM] site I am on.