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Don't try this at home
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!" |
We had a great neighborhood watch going when I was kid. And then she closed her drapes. :(
http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l1...g?t=1398778957 |
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What is green and sits in the corner?
The Incredible Sulk. http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l1...g?t=1398864415 |
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A famous expert on sex was giving a talk. He stood up and said, "It gives me great pleasure." And then he sat down.
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lol, I love these....
http://cdn.arwrath.com/2/202318.jpg
Happy Go Lucky, I always love it when they make up these outrageous sentences that highlight the importance of commas. It makes me laugh. |
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X 3...
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head. :doh: |
Recently on a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy." |
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!" |
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Why do mice have such tiny balls?
Because so few of them can dance. :P http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l1...g?t=1399042367 |
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Give a butch a fish and she'll eat for a day.
Teach a butch to fish and she'll sit in a boat drinking beer all day. ;) http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l1...g?t=1399253477 |
I like this thread. It's cute and gives me a chuckle, but I wonder if we could do away with the 'water cooler' types jokes.....blondes, butches, femmes, blacks, Jews, etc. One may not seem like the others but those types of jokes pick on particular groups and that doesn't seem funny to me.
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Off to post about the exciting baked potato I had for dinner. :p. |
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Gemme, I personally promise I will never make fun of water coolers. Criss cross apple sauce. :)
http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e8...own_joke-1.jpg |
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried to slam a revolving door.
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What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
Five drinks. |
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I will point out that not all butches are 'she', though. :) Quote:
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Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat any place they want. http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l1...g?t=1399301943 |
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Two sausages were cooking in a pan. The first sausage said to the other sausage: is it me, or is it hot in here? The other sausage stared in horror, then screamed: OMG! A TALKING SAUSAGE! |
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. ;)
http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l1...g?t=1399406726 |
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I got a sweater for my birthday....I would have preferred a screamer or a moaner.
http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l1...g?t=1399480242 |
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