Work is on my mind. I'm exhausted and worried. My manager signed off on on this project quickly and I don't think she looked at it thoroughly (she's exhausted, too) and that may come back to bite us (me) in the ass. When I get in the office today I'll go over this project with a fine-tooth comb, but I need another set of eyes to look at this because I've been looking at it for weeks. We go live (release to clients) on Tuesday and this is a three-day weekend. So I'm on my own.

I love my job but I hate when we release because I'm always on edge and I hate that edgy feeling I get in the pit of my stomach. I can't eat, don't sleep well, am bitchier. I'll just be glad when Wednesday is here.

And I want a cigarette. A mentholated one. Don't know what's that about. I'll have some dark chocolate later this morning. That'll have to do.

A strange dream I had last night........ Don't know if it was "just a dream" or if the higher powers are trying to tell me something? I have what you call a "sixth sense" about certain things and this has me doing some serious thinking.

Thinking about our off-season tenants here at the B&B where I live, and also manage. They are both Pentecostal ministers who yell, cry, stomp, and shout gibberish for Jesus everyday.:hamactor: They asked me if their prayers are too loud. I said " I cannot hear a word you say." In fact, I have not heard one single, profound, religious truth, thought, or commentary, since they've arrived.:vigil:

How dumb I can be sometimes..........:confused: I listened to my inner voice and de ides to reach out to someone in my life and try to make amends, and all they did was blame ME for everything and basically tell me to go F*** myself! So much for trying to be the better person and forgiving and all that........ Oh well at least I did try.

"The worse thing about being lied to is knowing that to that person, you weren't worth the truth."

How much I miss her already but she will be home soon.

My own thoughts
 

Yesterday, I posted about misogyny and sexism against women. I am going to do an about face and I may receive some backlash, but here goes. I am a submissive woman. No, I did not say little girl, I said woman. With womanly desires and womanly needs.

When I was younger, like most children, I was egocentric; looking out only for my own survival. As I grew into an adult, I often thought of the needs of others and had a great desire to make those around me happy, but essentially, my own survival was of my utmost concern. That attitude no longer served me once I became a mother. Nurturing my family came naturally to me. I found that especially in rearing young children, it’s been useful (and rewarding) to approach my life with a sense of service. I have found a lot of strength in this role. I’ve found a lot of happiness.
I like to please. And, I find it rewarding to please those I care about. This honest look at my dynamic was meant to shed light on a learning curve I went through from my early 20's to present. My take on being submissive is one that is natural to me. I realise that I could potentially be accused of setting back women’s causes.

I don’t care. This is my life… my journey.

I understand that the word submissive conjures all kinds of awful servile situations: a woman chained to a hot stove all day, tending only to the care and feeding of her man/Butch… Perhaps because I grew up in an era after the hardest battles for women’s liberation had been fought, I took it for granted that it would be self-evident that this was not the kind of “submissive” I meant.
Now, in terms of what and who I am to that man/butch? I am me. Just me.
One day, God willing, I will be in a committed relationship to my Alpha. Can he organise dinner? Of course. Does he? Absolutely. But he just isn’t going to be thinking ahead to needing snacks on a road trip or planning to get that rainbow cake my 6 year old wants for her next birthday party.
The reality is that I do most of the things that are traditionally female. Why? It’s my choice. It’s what works for me.
Whatever the idiosyncrasies of my own relationship, I bow down and honour all the women before me who opened the road for the comparative amount of liberty women have today. We’ve achieved a lot. And now that we are here, isn’t there room to do an assessment of how it’s going? How is “having it all” working for us?
One of the cornerstones of feminism is that women should have the freedom to make choices. We should be able to define for ourselves what makes us happy. Single. Married. Kids. No kids. Whatever.
Clearly we’re comfortable talking about leaning in and sitting at the table in the workplace. That’s a real stride forward. But true liberty means there’s room in the dialogue for multiple points of view. Women have a spectrum of choices, and we should be at ease talking about works for us with candor, without fear of incurring wrath for stepping outside the sanctioned vocabulary of how women should live their lives.

Girlin2une wrote: I understand that the word submissive conjures all kinds of awful servile situations: a woman chained to a hot stove all day, tending only to the care and feeding of her man/Butch…

This is strictly from My point of view... and no one else's has to "fit" into what I think submission means and is....

---to submit completely and utterly to another, to surrender all or some "power" requires an exceptional inner strength in the woman ... she is strong.. make no mistake about that.. this submissive woman that comes to you is no weakling or doormat.

---submission is something that comes from deep within a person and is an essential part of their nature; just like the color of their eyes or the sound of their voice. It just "is" a part of their makeup. It is innate...it can't always be explained... why does someone like vanilla ice cream .. because they do... it just "is" .

---submission is the giving of oneself willingly because it makes them happy to do and to serve another. The act of someone going beyond what they desire for another is something expressed from the soul and it goes much deeper than the mere physical/sexual act of offering ones-self to another for pleasure...it can be the simple act of making another comfortable or making another's life easier.

---submission is powerful -- it encompasses the mind and soul... the energy drawn and the energy given is expressed through actions/desires/wants and it is returned...it is powerful and one can find the deepest levels of trust and intimacy happens between a Dominant and submissive during these times.

---the submissive is not weak or foolish...oh, no... do not take her submission for either. She is brave and strong and a force to be reckoned with... she has a voice and she has a say... she is not a voiceless robot who does the bidding of another simply because she has no choice.. she has a choice and she has chosen. It does not complete her for she is a complete woman on her own and in her own right... her submission echoes the dominance she finds in her One....

---she has the self esteem and knowledge to relinquish power to another and she has an understanding that her One must possess those same qualities...to respect and admire her for doing so and treat her submission with the utmost of care....for it is a gift. A precious gift of herself and her trust. One that should be cherished and treated as such.

Kobi wrote: Yes, I am an eaglet freak.

Thanks for all the updates. Eagle cams are up all over the place. I watch several and I have had the pleasure of working with a few wildlife rehabilitators to help injured wildlife. What they do is nothing sure of amazing. Eagles are resilient but usually one sibling does eat the other. Survival of the fittest. Nature is hard to watch sometimes. But, it always astounds Me.

What's on my mind tonight?
 

Today and tonight I feel a great sadness and loss of my closest uncle to me. We were like best friends. He was found in his auto repair shop by his ex wife, my aunt. She called 911 just minutes before she called me asking me to please come over that he had fallen onto the floor and wasn't moving. I ran out of my job, yelling on the way out the door I had a family emergency, got into my truck and was only a few miles up the road at work when she called me at 5pm today central time. My uncle had had a major heart attack and didn't survive.
It is with GREAT and IMMENSE SADNESS that I say this. My heart hurts so deeply it's taking everything in me to hold myself together as I think about him and type here. I am going to miss him so much and all the good things he's done for me and my mom and for my nephew and his family. I love him so deeply. He was the kind of man that had a heart of gold and would help my mom or me with anything and I would help him and my aunt with getting them help with electric and gas bills, making sure they had coverage for medicare and medicaid, and making sure they had enough food to eat each month. We were planning on building a new truck style out of my chassis and making me a custom truck this Summer and him teach me how to do body and paint work on it so I could help. It was a project I had looked forward to for months. I had just seen him Sunday when I needed his help working on my nephew's truck. He came right over and helped me without missing a beat. I had plans for him to do more work on the truck to fix everything wrong with the 4wd shaft, and to find and repair the engine coolant leak on it and I knew he would do it right. He was my mechanic and my uncle. One of the Greatest men I've ever known. Such a kind heart that when he met people they loved him right away. He was such a great person.
I'm going to miss him and my heart feels empty already. There's a huge hole in it right now as I type. I hurt so much and so deeply. If there is a Heaven, I know that will be where his soul went for all the good things he did in his life. His only son lives in California, is headed down tomorrow on the next plane he can get. He's so heartbroken over the loss of the only father he's ever known, my uncle adopted him and taught him everything he knew about building cars, doing body work, etc. and when he retired in California and moved back home to Texas, he gave his business to his son.
I miss you uncle JV. i LOVE YOU AND i MISS YOU . MY HEART ACHES SO MUCH AND IM HURTING INSIDE. i LOVE YOU AND i HOPE YOU ALWAYS KNEW THAT. i TRIED TO TELL YOU EVERYTIME WE SPENT TIME TOGETHER TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU ALWAYS KNEW AND THAT I WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU AND AUNT CONNIE.

please pray that God heals our hearts in time and eases my family's pain of loss.
Thank you.

TruTexan I am SO SORRY about your uncle! I will keep you in my prayers!

How my former boss at the boarding kennel told me I could come down on Sunday and walk a couple resident dogs!!:koolaid: I told her about wanting to volunteer at the SPCA and she reminded me of these two dogs that are permanent residents at the kennel, due to their owner having a stroke and having to go in a nursing home. I'm looking forward to taking them out for a nice walk and I'm taking them some treats. My next door neighbor agreed to be available for a few hours on Sunday if my spouse needs anything, so I have a "sitter" for her and don't have to feel guilty leaving her home alone. :koolaid:

On my mind
 

I am thinking about last weekend. It was so much fun to spend time with my buddies all weekend. What a luxury to be able to chat about anything you want at the moment you want.

I can't wait for our next adventue.

One step at a time! One foot in front of the other! Keep going. Keep going. Keep going.

I had a really hard conversation with my boss today.

My job is very very stressful and sometimes dangerous. The students I work with can be explosive. This year my work load outside of work is intensive as well and my son is having a lot of problems of his own. I have been doing this job for a few years now, but this year I am feeling the burn out. I have too much on my plate.

So today I had to sit down with her and tell her I just cant do this job assignment next year. That I am barely able to manage it at the moment and I know another year will push me over the edge. I don't know what will happen next year, but I know I have to make some changes.

It's really hard for me to admit I can not do something... but I did... and I ended up crying in her office.

I'm kind of at that "Jeez, do I really have to reboot again?" stage.

Tired of reinventing/starting from scratch/baseline physical/mental/emotional (whatever the hell that is) point in life.

I'm too old for this sh*t.

In theory, the world is my oyster, in reality, I'm just eff'n tired.

Oh yeah, I forgot the "Oh yippee! skippy!" part :jester:.

I'll get back to regularly scheduled stable/content posts tomorrow. It's just Monday...