| JustLovelyJenn |
11-22-2009 11:04 PM |
Lately there always seem to be a million things on my mind. Dreams and possibilities, eventualities, what-if's, worries and even a few regrets. A lot of "I'm not good enough"s and now and then a few "I cant believe I did it"s. Every once in a while I get like this... Its my sign to myself that its probably time to reevaluate again, make sure that I am headed in the right direction. I have been doing that the last few weeks and I am starting to come to some conclusions.
So whats on my mind right now is a little like this....
I have always wanted to sing, since I was old enough to know I got to be something when I grew up it was always with my voice, a rockstar, a jazz singer, and when I matured and took a real look, a music teacher... a high school choir teacher to be exact. I decided that when I was in 9th grade, it never changed. I went on job shadows for that, I planned out college for that, and I started college for that. Then rebellion kicked in... I got married (to someone I shouldn't have, mostly because my parents hated him) and I had two beautiful kids, I quit school and I stayed at home to raise them. The ill fated marriage didn't last long, not quite 5 years. I got some help to go back to school... but only if I studied one of their approved programs, so it was Medical Reception for me. Work in that field is now hard to find... and I have never used the certification, I got my kids back from their dad, where they had lived while I was in school, and my mother suggested a fall back. Shes a teacher and she suggested that I work as a substitute educational assistant, the schooling I have provides the necessary credits for this position.
One day on the job working in the local high school was enough to bring back all the passion I have ever had for teaching and more! So now is where the hard part comes in. I have a goal... its the getting there that needs figured out.
When I took back my children, I also moved back in with my parents. My son is a special needs child and raising him on my own would not allow me to provide the extras that are so important to children, and the special attention he in particular needs. I talked to my mother about my desire we have agreed that I can stay with them for the next 4 to 5 years while I work and go to school to get my teaching certificate. Its going to be a long road but a very rewarding one.
This is the first time since I turned 18 that I have finally felt like my life is headed somewhere. It makes me very happy, but it has accentuated a missing element in my life. Someone to share my happiness with. My focus has been so much on my children and my home that I haven't had time or opportunity to be out and about... I know that somewhere there is someone perfected paired for me. I am just sometimes afraid that in my "one thing at a time" outlook to life, I might have walked right past them already.
When I do run into this person, I am sure it will be a head on collision, if not, I probably wont even notice... And most likely, they will be exactly the opposite of everything I think I want. Until then I guess I just keep fumbling through life. At least my feet are pointed in a general direction again.
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