Is a balanced diet a cake in each hand?

Saw a shirt last night at Newbury Comics that said:

I like you.
You die last.


I Need That Shirt.

someone posted this as a fb status... made me lol for real:


Repost This If Someone Is Alive Today Because You Can't Afford A Hitman!

laughing man at comedy barn
 

[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mh-zkIJ5cJk&feature=fvst"]YouTube - Laughing Old Man at Comedy Barn.mp4 - YouTube[/nomedia]


i laughed til i cried

I would just like to share an experience with you all, and it has to do with drinking and driving.
As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd party over the years.
Well, I for one have done something about it: Last night I was out for a few drinks with some mates and had way too many glasses of the good old white wine.
Knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I've never done before. I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before!!

Watching VH1 and the classic SNL skit with Janet Jackson about cork soakers. Made me crack up!

"inside me, There's a thin women trying to get out........But i can usually shut the cow up with chocolate."

hey, dapperbutch
 

Well-known and oft-told Mainer Joke:


You goin' to Bangor tonight?

Bangor? I hardly know 'er!

You're a dork.

A funny dork.

From time to time, I pop into this thread to get a laugh or two. I think it is a fun thread- except there are some jokes about size and weight that I find offensive. And the site covers sizism as against its TOS.

Sometimes we don't recognize that "fat" jokes can hurt people deeply. One of the things I was amazed with while I went through a period of my life in which I was obese was that people will just make comments about weight without any thought at all.

The other thing that bothers me about this is that many people that deal with weight issues have some very serious and life threatening eating disorders and I feel that fat jokes are just another way to divert attention away from serious thought about something that can be seriously impacting someone's life.

This was hard for me to post in some ways as having some threads that are for joking around is a good thing and I honestly doubt that anyone that has posted a joke involving weight is really meaning to be cruel in any way. I just think this is something to have sensitivity to.

Buuuuh dump bum
 

A photon goes on vacation, when she gets to the hotel the clerk says, "Ma'am, may I help you with your bags" she says "No, thanks, I'm traveling light".

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers . . . .
..so I did . . . . she's 21 and her name's Angela.


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the
60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking - And then I saw her face . . . .


Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. The locals were
shouting paedophile and other names at me just because my girlfriend
is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary!


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a
couple of Swan Vesta matches.....his little face lit up when he tried to
walk.

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool.

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:praying:

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:blink:

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:bolt:

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:superfunny:

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:wtf:

DO you fart in bed? IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU. THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'. 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN! :fart: LMAO

Clay isn't that a hoot? I saw it on the internet and just had to post it. I was ROTFL myself till I cried... glad I could make you laugh !