Butch Femme Planet - Important things I learned from past relationships

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- - Important things I learned from past relationships (http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4714)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Medusa (Post 671253)

And see, I have a very different take on the "once a ____, always a _____" because I do believe people can change. :)

I think that people sometimes get caught up in their own junk and keep repeating patterns but I do think that people can also have an epiphany and say to themselves "Wow, I don't want to live my life this way anymore".

I'm certainly one of those people.

While it takes a lot of work to break patterns and make changes, it *is* possible. I think it's hard to accept sometimes because there are a lot of folks in this world who make it to their 50's and 60's and still don't know how to tell the truth or live authentically. And somehow, folks who want to keep lying to people or deceiving them or hustling them are always the ones at the end of the day sitting around going, "I dont know why my life is in shambles" or "I dont know why *everyone* is out to get me!!".

That's really sad to me.

The positive is that people who really want to change, can. I'm a fan of "Watch how I live" in this case. You can tell me all day long that you are "changed" but until I see you actually *being* changed, I'll keep my distance!

I believe people can change many things. They can change their proprieties, learn more about relationships and how they relate to the world. they learn lessons and hopefully that propels them forward.

People that are habitual when it comes to lying, deceiving, manipulation etc. there are some who I feel are even psychopathic. These people IMO do not really change.

This is what I've notice with big barkers- they come in like a tornado and fizzle out. People aren't stupid but because they have perfected their line of bullshit and collect a pity party around them until everyone finally catches on. Then all of a sudden they disappear or they float around in the background preying on any newbie who hasn't caught onto their game- yet. lol

sorry but I have no filter for this nonsense. These people don't change. They just change their username.

I learned:
Not everything that is asked of me is in effort to control me
I can be very mean
I can be very loving
I can love someone very powerfully
My models were horrible
I can be a better model for my children
Love does not go away when the relationship ends

hmmm past realtionahips .. 1 very importatnt lesson , theres no right way to break up, only a way to forgive, both of urselves , u cant change what happened, learn to live w/ the respect of the love u once felt, hating only makes u bitter and makes u uglyyyyy.. I'm way to vain for that ~~

To STOP giving of my time, love, trust and money to the wrong people.
And to learn to receive graciously.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PinkieLee (Post 671265)

Some things I have learned and continue to learn every single day....

#1 rule... you've gotta love yourself before you can love anyone else! YOU have to be happy with you ~ no one can do that for you!

Communication... say what you mean and mean what you say. No passive aggressive or mindreading bullshit, tell me what you want/need.

Speak up when something is bothering you! Even if you think it's small or petty, those little things can add up quick in your head and you start feeling resentful.

Having hobbies outside of the relationship. Just because I don't like to golf, doesn't mean she should give it up. And I won't drag her to any jewelry making classes :) We are all individuals with likes and dislikes... we should embrace that!

this post by PinkieLee pretty much says it all. a friend told me a long time ago that if it's just a box of cereal that is mine, ... let there be something in the house that belongs to only me. we do, we need our space and our things.

i am a quote addict, so i'm going to leave you all with two. now the second one, i like to think RuPaul is meaning that we should speak up ... say what is bothering us in a relationship. sometimes we have to get loud about it. since i try to never let anyone hear me say mf, ... it's being typed, you all are not hearing me say that LOL.

“If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else!”
― RuPaul

“My goal is to always come from a place of love ...but sometimes you just have to break it down for a motherfucker.”
― RuPaul

That even if you love someone sometimes you have to walk away.

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

Change is possible for anyone. Wholesale change at that. I'm reminded of it every time I attend a recovery meeting.

and in the age of the internet...

Anyone can talk a good life/love/hardluck-story game but you gotta follow them home...in a non-stalkerish, metaphorical sorta way :blink:... to find out the real truth of how they live their life. More simply, don't take everything you're told on face value until you've seen it for yourself in on a consistent basis in real life. No matter how compatible they sound for you.

i've learned that breaking up leaves an empty spot inside of you when it's the right thing to do and leaves you feeling empty inside when it's not

Quote:

Originally Posted by StrongButch (Post 671528)

That even if you love someone sometimes you have to walk away.

This is very true. Sometimes it's what's best for you, and sometimes it's what's best for them (even if they themselves can't see it).

Things I've learned..and still learning..

I am not the fixer. I spent too many years trying to fix you, change you to be the better person you can be. What I learned about that, you are who you are. I'm not going to settle for bad habits or traits I don't like. I can only change myself. So I choose to change and not accept those things.

Trust. No matter how convincing you sound, I will always be waiting for the shoe to drop. Naive as it seems, I have trusted to much and it rips me up in the end. You will always have to earn my trust. Thus, the wall around my heart.

Accepting responsibility for Me:

I have no words of wisdom for anyone else since I have none for myself.

Yet.

Still working on it, as well as insight not gained to date.

my family is just as important as hers.

Be mindful of every precedent set early on when you're distracted by the newness, because they all become part of the relationship's foundation.

Only take responsibility for your own part in things, because once you take responsibility for the other person's piece you've then set a precedent and they'll expect you to do it forever. I hate to compare a relationship to a legal case, but there can be some sad similarities between the two, and anyone who's been on trial within their relationship knows what I mean.

It's fine to take up or show an interest in your partner's interests. That's how we grow and try new things. The danger is if you give up all of your interests for your partner's, if you sense she's not into yours, just to seem more compatible. Or, if you take on activities and values that aren't yours instead of standing for your own.

Don't become a clone of your partner; maintain your own friends and activities no matter how many interests you have in common.

Distracting yourself with someone new doesn't really make up for any loss.

It must be processed and dealt with, no matter how painful and no matter how much you might not want to.

That with everyone relationship you learn and you grow. You learn more about yourself, your own expectations, where you give too little, and where you give too much.

Patience really is a virtue.
Communication, communication, communication.
Rugs are for walking on, not sweeping your crap under.
Your heart can blind your brain.

Quote:

Rugs are for walking on, not sweeping your crap under.

Ditto. Oh and closets are for clothes, not skeletons!

Quote:

Originally Posted by FemmeBibliophile (Post 672203)

Ditto. Oh and closets are for clothes, not skeletons!

lol femme & tony this is y ppl should do more housework ~~ just saying ~

To be realistic, if it sounds too good to be true, it is.