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There are absolutely no words to describe losing your mother. Devastating grief is a good start but there is a cold, hollowness that never goes away. I'm not sure you get used to it - even though I have heard that from many people. You certainly never get over it. When she was sick I used to call during the day to check on her - my employer (who KNEW my Mom had terminal cancer and was not expected to live more than a month) at the time actually chastised me for "spending entirely too much time on the phone with your mother during the day." The calls were made before work hours, on what was supposed to be my lunch break and right before I went out the door at night. If Dad was not there I would make a short call mid-morning or mid-afternoon to see how she was. Those calls lasted less than 2 minutes. The calls made on my own time averaged about 5 minutes if that. My stepmother is a nice lady but she is not Mom. Dad isn't any help at all. He doesn't want to talk about anything painful. I have my journals and my art and twice a month I see a counselor. |
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Many Blessings for strength (f) |
Loss
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I take a little solace and peace in knowing that the last 3 words from her lips to me were "I love you" and the last 3 words she heard before she died from me, "I love you". We never went to sleep or left the other to go somewhere without telling each other that just because you never know what will happen. We were watching a football game, she decided to go to sleep, laid down and reached for the trashcan and threw up a little. I asked her if she was alright, no response, I asked again, no response. Our dog jumped up and ran toward her head barking and I jumped out of bed and ran around to her side of the bed, lifted her back on the bed, checked for a pulse, none, she wasn't breathing. She had a pulmonary embolism which broke loose in her lung and hit her heart, she died instantly. The Dr's tell me she suffered no pain and there was nothing anyone could have done to save her, even them. We were friends for 10 years before we got together, we were together for almost 17 years, that's 27 years total yet it was not enough. People will say it gets better, that's b/s. I will never forget her or stop loving her. I visit her grave, as she is buried in my hometown and I've since moved back here, sit and talk to her. Yes, I apologize to her for not protecting her and keeping her safe. We did have talks back when I had to have my first neck surgery and the risks were high that if something ever happened to one of us that the other would find happiness and someone to love them again. I know it would take someone special as they would have to accept her as being part of my life as well. To all of those dealing with loss, don't let anyone push you or tell you that you should be "over" it by now or some other type of bull. Heal in your own time, there is no set time limit on grief. We all deal with it and handle it in many different ways. Remember, you can keep them alive always within your heart. |
I still carry with me the loss and at times, responsibility of Rachel's death. Rachel and I were together when the boys were quite young and together for 7 years. Rachel had dual personality disorder, was bi-polar and manic depression. I did not know this when we were dating, nor did I know it until a few months after she moved in with us. My reaction was pretty strong and I was angry and felt deceived. I could not honestly say I would have entered a relationship knowing how deep her mental illness went, not with having kids.
For almost our entire 7 year relationship, I was held hostage by her threats of suicide - If I did not do something or upset her or left her. She would kill herself. I finally did leave and she came close to ending her life. I was given the responsibility of having her committed or bringing her home with me and the kids again. Rachel begged me not to hospitalize her, as (I learned later) she spent from the age of 17 to 27 in hospitals. 2 years after we split up and shortly after I was living with my partner (now ex). I received the phone call at 8am, while at work - that Rachel had hung herself the night before. Rachel and I spoke almost daily, up until the night before she died. She was in so many ways more like a child to me, than a partner. That was my role, to keep her safe and alive... I fell apart when she died. I am not sure how my partner dealt with it... But she did. My children and I were forbidden to go to her funeral. So much so, they kept the location hidden from us. My partner at the time helped me arrange a memorial service for my kids and for me. They could not say goodbye and neither could I, without this. I know deep inside, that it was really not my fault she died. But still, I feel responsible. If I had not left her, maybe she would still be alive. Her family, still today (we live in a small town) still blame me. Years later, I will run into someone and I will get the looks or the comments. I stay away from the center of my small town, because I still on some level believe them, that it is my fault. Even though (intellectually) I know it was not. But I promised, I would always keep her safe and I did not. It's amazing the head trips we can lay on ourselves. I have only been to the cemetery a few times... And it's like they have camera's there, because every time I have gone - her family shows up and makes me leave. Now, as I drive by - I honk the horn. I still grieve her and miss her very much. This has in so many ways scared me from trusting myself with others. I feel sometimes like I am this person who only brings hurt into relationships, that I am dangerous to be around. Pretty messed up! Sorry it's so long... It's good to write about it. |
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opps did know the pic was going to be so big!!!
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Grieving....
Last month October, my ex-husband passed away. We hadn't had an ugly marriage nor an ugly divorce, one day we were different people. We share a son.
We'd been divorced for 30 yrs. I'd moved away and he'd also moved and everyone went on with there lives. We didn't often and hadn't had any conversation in the past 10 yrs or more. When I got the call and was speaking with his sister, she thanked me for really loving her brother and she wondered why I'd never remarried but knew why her brother had never remarried, I'd been the one she said, oh he dated alot but never another wife. After hanging up I sat here and was overwhelmed with sadness, I cried, and cried, I realized that I'd really loved him, and I grieved the end of a marriage, I grieved the loss of my son's father, I grieved the loss of my love..It's only been a month and I find myself getting teary and sad..But you know what the hardest part is? Is just knowing that they're not on the planet anymore.. 6 yrs. ago I lost a ex lover to cancer..we'd been ex's for about 3yrs. We'd never lived together, we didn't even live in the same state most of the time. I'd met her when I was in my twenty's not even really out yet..Ran into her one night in Kansas City, during the evening she made the comment that she was saving me for the last...And that was the start of an on an off affair that lasted 22 years..If we were single at the same time we were together always different states sometimes a couple years, couple months, a weekend...She ended up moving back home an illness in the family and thought perhaps we should try this properly, we rented an apartment together and never moved in..I'd live at mine, she at her's and we'd met at the apartment we called it the sneak joint, and we were together a couple.. we did that for a few years then things changed, she moved back to Chicago. I knew she was sick but I didn't know the tummy trouble was cancer and not terrible ulcers as she lead me to believe. I'd visit, and knew something was wrong talk to her friends and they were pretty mum...I have insomnia and she never slept so we always talked in the middle of the night I always knew I could pick up that phone and she'd answer. One day I called and there wasn't an answer, and I knew she wasn't on the planet anymore.. That's what makes me so sad.... |
To say that I really enjoy reading what everyone has to say might seem a bit odd....but, I feel like I'm not alone.
Blessings to all- Cindy (f) |
I just got off the phone with My friend Christie awhile ago. I had not spoken to her in a month or so. She is one of My friends, where we do not talk every day yet we know the other is there. So, I called her just to see how she was doing.
I knew right away by the tone of her voice something was wrong. Her Mom passed away just two days ago. Apparently she choked on something, and they were not able to get the ambulance to her house in time.. she was pronounced dead by the time they got her to the ER. I cried on the phone with her. Again, all the memories came flooding back of the losses I have experienced. One particular. Many years ago I lost an ex to suicide. Robyn. I can vividly remember the day I received the phone call at My work from her Dad. I was heading to a meeting and My director had answered the phone and said it was for Me. I was working for the DOD at the time and had just been handed a file of classified material that you must read right away, sign off on it, and pass it along or shred it if you are the last on the list for reading. I told My Director, please not now, can you take a message. He said, "It is a gentleman and he is crying." The whole conversation with her Dad.. was Why? Did she show any signs to Me that she was unhappy? Anything at all that would have led Me to think she wanted to take her life? There was nothing. I had no clue. No forewarning. We were about to move into a home together. We had picked it out together. She had left her job as an airline stewardess and was working for a great law firm. She "seemed" to be so happy. We were so happy. She left a note - telling her parents that she loved them, that she loved Me..and she wanted to be buried with a necklace I had purchased for her. To this day I still wonder why. Was there something I did not see? Was there something I could have done to prevent it? I have only talked about losing her to My family and a couple of others. I have held in the feeling of guilt for so long.. I am letting it go here.. Thank you for everyone that is sharing. Especially InfiniteFemme.. because of your post.. I decided to write this all down. |
Cody
Take all the time you need to grieve Cody and I just love the pic that you put up....As many of you know that I lost my Mom a yr ago at the beginning of this month. IT is still really hard for me and this yr IT will be really weird due to the fact that all of us have pretty much Scattered w/ the wind. I do have my Brother and MY kid who is grown and her mom and MY dad to talk to but also Dad. But w/ Dad it is hard because he is dealing w/ His Alzheimer's. Also getting ready for this holiday I will finally having a tree Because my animals will not be w/ me. Had to Give them up too, because I am moving to a place that doesn't allow them and Also right now I am not able to care for them like I could. I am lucky that no kill shelters were found for ALL three of them and that the 2 kitties get to go to the same place. The cats won't be together very long because I can see the smaller of the 2 being adopted fairly quickly because she is such a lover. I am just grateful that they will be taken care of And I won't have to worry. Yes, this has been a yr of Hard knocks.
take care all and thanks for letting me rant. |
This is a really tough time of year for a lot of people, whether they have lost someone or not. First of all, be good to yourselves...do what you need to get through it/enjoy it/survive it.
My Sister has handled the loss of my Mom by headed to the river with her boyfriend and kids for the holiday....I debated long and hard on what to do this year so not only could I survive it, I could even enjoy it. So we are having Thanksgiving Dinner for our little family and a few friends, and then Friday we are heading to Palm Springs and a nice resort until Sunday. New traditions....but missing my Mom so much all I want to do is stand in one place and scream/cry/beg God for one more day with her. (w) |
Rosie's Aunt died yesterday. She was in her 60's, but had many health problems. This is really a blessing. Family is flying in from Calif. today. Tomorrow is the funeral. It should be today - following the traditional Jewish belief. Getting plane tickets is way to hard right now with the holiday. Andrew |
Oh Woodie! Please hug her for me! I am so so sorry!
Let me know if you need anything ok?? Sure is a bad time of year for all this. Hang in there. xo, Moonie |
When it rains, it pours. I just shake my head. It just never stops. We need a break for sure. Thanks Mr. Moon! |
Andrew
I am soo sorry to hear and I know how it is
I have no one for the holidays. And Gf is all the way in Conn |
I have no one either no parents , no sister or brother or family to speak of and even if I did have family they don't invite me because I'm Jewish and they are not so its just another day for me...No gf either..
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i kind of try to stay out of here.. this time of year can be so sad for many of us.. i just wonder how long it is until one can move forward in life.. how long until one can "be" with someone new for more then a nite or two. how long befor those old feelings stop interupting the new. am i suposed to try and stop them? or should i just continue to step back? its like shes still holding on to her place in my heart and isnt willing to share. i cant/dont want to "block her" but wish she would move forward with me always being a part of me..
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It was so difficult for me that I ended up doing something that, in retrospect, was really bizarre. Sharon was killed in an accident so there was no warning. There was a traumatic quality to that loss and I ended up with some weird behaviours. I had trouble consistently using the past tense when speaking about Sharon after her accident. In fact, I had so much trouble that I stopped trying, and just spoke about her in the present tense as if she was still here. She kind of was, anyway. Sharon and I spoke often, and she was a strong presence in my life for years after she passed. There was no room at all for anyone new. In a lot of ways I was still carrying on my relationship with Sharon, who had never really fully left me. It took years, but when I finally decided to make a strong effort to use the past tense whenever speaking about Sharon it created a big change in my outlook. That only happened because I was ready for it. No one else will be able to tell you how long it takes. There's no 'should'. It just takes as long as it takes. Please take good care of yourself, especially during the holiday season. |
Cheryl is right Bro, there's no set timetable. My wife passed away Thanksgiving weekend 3 years ago, I just haven't looked at it the same since then. Some days her presence is strong with me, some days not as strong but she's always there and always will be. I refuse to let her die in my heart as well and I don't think she ever will. However that doesn't mean there isn't room for someone new and when it's right it will just happen, that's all there is to it. Whoever that person is will have to accept my wife as well because I refuse to act/live as if I never had a life or love before them, she was part of who made me who I am today.
I had someone new in my life for about a year. I finally had to tell her it wasn't working out and it's not because of my departed wife, it was because she didn't want to work or contribute to the household and a host of other issues that crept up once I got to know her a bit better. |
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