Love you Daddy, I will be sleeping soon, the backup is at 95%

See you tomorrow!!!!

:hiding: Yessssss :motorbike:

It's done, I'm off to sleep!

April 16




Not Fur but Fin

You can’t delay the river, I’ve tried, all it does is distort. I block the flow and swamp ensues, mighty oaks waist deep in water. The current is strong and I fear being swept away, not realizing I was born to swim. Dreading the swim back for spawn I try to stay too close to my origins, never make it to open water, never to live the life I was intended for. I’ve heard it said, “Don’t push the river it flows by itself,” but I can’t stall it either.









Line up the little endearments offered you


*

FEEDING THE MONSTER

Who will feed the monster, once they’ve made her?
Her hunger burns in her like a beacon
Should I let her starve?
Should I put her on rations of old crust and tepid water?

Rebuke her as if she were her own idea
Possibly bind her hands and cover her eyes
Stand her in line with the good girls and fit her in
Turn her visage from her desire and tell her to forget?

Hold her hand and tell her that’s enough?
When I stand in the face of her yawning hunger
What do I say---It's for your own good?
Well that's what THEY said too.

April 17




Like an Elf Working in an Empty Tree

The chairs in the loft are empty, but I still hear the choir sing. The bottle though it’s empty, still sometimes calls my name. Though front pocket is empty and there is rolled up empty sleeve, still the nicotine haunts my dreams. On this empty road I travel, I still long for company. The stillness is not all that’s empty, but I run to fill that spot. Chaos is like a tapeworm it eats me from inside, but in the meantime I still believe it’s filling me.







Curve around what is sharp on your tongue

*

HOW THINGS SEEM

Not everyone who pushes me down is my enemy
Not everyone who pulls me up is my friend
I have been seduced by the closeness of people
Who used me as their shield

When I have been held in a place of honor
The point man of life
I forgot that made me the replacement target
For the one who stood behind me

I have been offended as I was thrown to the ground
The hands that shoved me I saw as my rejecters
I was spared the tragedy and peril of the thing which flew by my ear
Thanks only to the grace of a thrust in the right direction

Accurate appraisal is my weakness
Seeing things for what they are is hard
Things are rarely how they seem

April 18



In Training

Like a faithful dog that was hard to train, patience is a thing hoped for yet peevish during the breaking in. Stanch companionability is hard won, but worth the cost of acquisition. And what is the price I truly paid in the end; whatever I gave in the pursuit of patience was a cheap babysitter and kept me from far worse reformation. For what would I do in this late day and age as a tempest torn toddler, no bottle to sooth my woes and bothers. Strictly speaking this is a world ill suited to the edgy intolerant masses and only seems to fit those who can mark time and bend.




Be careful what you do with idols



*

SERVICE & SACRIFICE

The difference between life and death in my recovery
Is the equal difference between service and sacrifice
If I offer you what is in my hand, fine
If I also give you my fingertips, I am lost.

Service lightens the load in my heart
Sacrifice removes my tools for living
When I go into debt for your existence
The cheer and optimism is sucked from my awareness

My eyes go dead and soon I follow
The cingulotomy of obligation crucifies my future
And murders true hope and love
Service feeds my heart and yours

Renovating makes space
It builds the muscles for joy and contentment
Pumping and refilling
My plate with spirituality.

April 19



Ground Floor


Step 10 is the place where the doors slide open and I discover I am out of the basement. I have to pay close attention to where my feet are; it is so easy to stumble here in the light of day. Oblivious limitations and universally accepted interpretations are pried from installation and put on trial. Never is it acceptable to allow my alcoholic thinking to make decisions for my sober life. The road to my door must be kept clear so I can get out to do my part and so G-d can come home to me.






Spin heads, spin tales, spin dry

*

CHAPTER & VERSE

I remember being trained and rehearsed for finding the words
Which would release my soul from bondage
The scrupulous concern for detail pointed me to heaven
And yet I drank.

Inside these rooms the path is wide
Judgment is suspended and I have the right to be wrong
The penalties for error can be great
But the privilege and risk are mine

As in all things, the extremists come
They have come to this place too
Thumpers hound and belittle
Threaten and cajole

They tell page numbers like punch lines
And narrow the field at every opportunity
I can't stay sober sitting on my old stool
I can't maintain desire by their chapter and their verse.

April 20




What I Take from Laban’s House


If I have the audacity to have a problem I must provide the instantaneous solution or be the cause of world-wide panic. Additionally it is the height of rudeness to have open-ended dilemma. It makes the gods uncomfortable, don’t you know, makes them shift in their seats and wish me away. I prevent banishment by either being problem free or solution-full and when the answers are not to their liking I exile myself saving them the inconvenience and me the embarrassment. It is never good to implode the household deities, you never know when you might need one for historic perspective or a door stop.






Inventory your reservations

*


WHEN A SNAPPER CROSSES THE ROAD

What should I do?
I see the soggy green/gray lump creeping the macadam
Too slow to survive for long

The urge in me to aim
And end the duckling-eaters life
Is short lived but a palpable surge

My Disney style justice is dismissed
But heard from nonetheless
Shall I pull over and assist?

This turtle is as ill equipped
For this stretch of road
As I am ill equipped to aid in its conveyance

Should I reach with my fingers or toes
To something I know can extend its neck
And sever me from parts I hold dear?

The ever present missionary in me has spoken and is silenced
In fact what I can do is slow down and give wide birth
I know this creature is a danger but never more so than me.

April 21




Bound


The reason the sleeves of my disease wrap around and tie in the back is so that I will struggle with change. Alcoholism is my straightjacket and my goal is that ‘loose garment life’ I’ve heard so much about. The sweat I work up from railing against my confining existence causes petulance. Frothing and enervated, defeat is the landing on which I collapse, acceptance a flight of steps away. My ailment leads me to believe I have nothing to hold onto as I adjust; and though this isn’t true, the fact remains that this is still a process of letting go.






Have a parenthetical lunch with a friend

*

PINK CLOUD




When the pink cloud lands in my valley
My task is to walk
The pleasure of its presence can never outweigh
The practice this cloud affords me.
Walking in a haze of cherry blossom lightness
The future is a blur I do not fear
Forward motion seeds my inertia
I will keep on.
When the test begins
And I must proceed in the obscurity of night
The lively steps of pink-cloud days
Will cheer and empower me.
I can imbed my future with right action
And bank the confidence I feel today
Saving it for the rain swept days which come to everyone
Progress is positive even when made in bliss.

April 22



Bummed

I accept change like coins slipped into a cup that sits beside me on the curb; never did it occur to me that I look in need of pity or alms from strangers; which is to say I don’t accept much these days, yet I do not fight it either. I keep my head down when I can no longer fend off the inevitable. I may not win control or compliance, might not remain strong enough to fight another day, but this too is a blessing somehow. A laying down of arms and money in my pocket makes the world a funny place to endure when I’m living in the tiny room in my head. What good news it would be if I learned to throw the windows open and let the day take me, though this time it’s G-d that needs to wear the ear muffs and lead me through the coldness of change. On my own I just walk further down the blind alleys and fold myself on this sidewalk in exhaustion. I don’t like the tea or the sympathy, but I don’t think I would mind if G-d took me in.






Alphabetize your expectations

*

HOLD CARD

My bottom pulled my hold card to the tabletop
I turned it over and found I have a bit of value
Each time I turned over my will
My value increased.

After many spins, the face cards appear
I’m the Jack, the Queen, the King
I revel in the times and practice it has taken to get here
I play my hand and take my chances

I have been privileged to pair with wonderful sober partners
Who turn themselves over and transform before my eyes
The years raise the anti
And I play close to my chest

The stakes are high
And if I turn in the wrong direction
I can be the Joker once again.

April 23


Exposition


Is there a difference between being discerning and being critical? Is it in the direction from whence I came or the destination to which I am driven? Does performance to an audience, even if it is the one in my head, create the line of demarcation or is it all one big bowl of goo? Does putting too fine a point of everything pierce my serenity and prick my skin? Is it the grating unplanned nature of life that bothers me into commentary or is it my in born desire to dissection that pushes me? And where is there room for kindness, is it in my dissertation or could it be in my critique?






Bury ideas about nuts

*

THE MEAL

Home cooking is the key
I want to order in,
Have my life delivered to the door

The takeout menus entice me
From three courses on china
To burgers handed through sliding windows.

It all sounds good and I request all for take home
But this is not the way
I must light the flame and chop the veggies

I can’t have a life prepared by others
I can share recipes and suggestions
This is help not displacement

I can stand and cook with others
And together make a feast
I can not sit and wait to be served.

I stand at the range while the sauce simmers
And it comes clear
I am my own meal.

April 24



More Better


When I take a break from my idyllic life, trading up to paradise, I balk at thoughts of returning to the simply marvelous day to day I have worked so hard to attain. Self accusation floods under the door, but I whimilate it with fact. My reluctance to turn my back on a good thing is an asset which many days keeps me sober. I greedily seize every improvement and hold on for dear life. If reflections of the past even held a glimmer for me I might worry; I turn from all but the highest good. I don’t regret the past but I shall never return to it.







Glance at the path you feel lead to

*

REALLY RAINING

Why do people ask if someone is really sober?
They’re checking for winners, I guess responded my sponsor
But what does that mean?

Well, when the clouds roll in
And the next thing you know it’s really raining
You can clearly discern the difference between that and just a shower

The commitment of water saturates the atmosphere
And rain is the undeniable certainty
That is what people are looking for
And they ask to discover if the person even comprehends the concept

What do they do if the person is really sober?
Stand next to them
And soak it all in.

April 25



Coming Home to Work


I have arrived home to a beehive; everyone industrious, everyone filled with purpose, everything buzzing right along. My response to this of course is anger. I have a sting and I want to use it. I have a place it falls into yet I fear falling. The living world is now opened to me, but my destination had been death for so long that the prospect of diligence ignites steel blue fury. I divide my time between gratitude and rage. I want to accuse myself, rescue myself, then I remember everyone in this place has a buzz, a stripe and a stinger.







Hum in a foreign language

*


DESSERT

I have to be my own appetizer
I have to be the thing which entices and intrigues me
I must be the roughage, the salad full of color and variety
The entrée must be me, as well.

The things which sustain me
The meat of my life
I have to supply and swallow it down
I can be all this.

I run to the sweetness of others
But this cannot be my source of sustenance
The greater part of me
Needs to derive from me.

I can set the table
And fill it with the fullness of who I am
I am enough and others are dessert
Twinkies will never be sufficient, they can only be a treat.

A movie about the beginning of Al Anon is being shown on TV tonight..right now in fact!

Just a share...Something I was reading and I found nice to have all in the same place...Kind of a reminder all in the same page...smiles


AA Quotes and Slogans

easy does it
first things first
live and let live
but for the grace of god
think......think.......think
one day at time
let go and let god
kiss---keep it simple stupid
act as if.........
this too shall pass
expect miracles
I can't .........he can..........I think I'll let him (steps 1,2,3)
if it works.........don't fix it
keep coming back..........it works if you work it
stick with the winners
keep right size
sobriety is a journey ..........not a destination
faith without works is dead
poor me.....poor me............pour me another drink
to thine own self be true
I came; I came to; I came to believe (steps 1,2,3)
live in the NOW
if god seems far away, who moved ?
turn it over
aa=altered attitudes
nothing is so bad, a drink won't make it worse
we are only as sick as our secrets
there are no coincidences in AA
be part of the solution, not the problem
sponsors: have one-----use one-----be one
I can't handle it god; you take over
keep an open mind
it works -------it really does ! (page 88,line 8 in the big book)
willingness is the key
more will be revealed
you will intuitively know
you will be amazed
no pain.........no gain
go for it
keep the plug in the jug
do it sober
let it begin with me
just for today
sober `n` crazy
pass it on
it's in the book
you either is-------or you ain't
before you say: I can't ............say I'll try
don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens
some of us our sicker than others
we're all here because we're not all there
alcoholism is an equal opportunity destroyer
practice an attitude of gratitude
the road to sobriety is a simple journey for confused people with a complicated disease
another friend of bill W.'s
god is never late
have a good day unless of course u have made other plans
decisions aren't forever
it takes time
90 meetings in 90 days.........90/90
you are not alone
where you go .......there you are
don't drink, read the big book, and go to meetings
use the 24-hour plan
make use of the telephone therapy
stay sober for yourself
look for similarities rather than differences
remember your last drunk
remember that alcoholism is incurable, progressive, and fatal
try not place conditions on your sobriety
when all else fails, follow directions
count your blessings
share your happiness
respect the anonymity of others
share your pain
let go of old ideas
try to replace guilt with gratitude
what goes around, comes around
change is a process, not an event
take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth
call your sponsor before, not after, you take the first drink
sick and tired of being sick and tired
it's the first drink that gets you drunk
to keep it, you have to give it away
man's extremity is god's opportunity
the price for serenity and sanity is self-sacrifice
one alcoholic talking to another...........one equals one
take what you can use and leave the rest
what if........
yeah but.........
if only.........
help is only a phone call away
around AA or in AA ?
you can't give away what you don't have
one drink is too many and thousand not enough
K.C.B. --- keep coming back
anger is but one letter away from danger
courage to change
easy does it, but do it
bring the body and the mind will follow
accept your admission
remember when............
dry and tighten up (financially)
we AAs are 'gifted' people
there are 12 steps in the ladder of complete sobriety
fear is the darkroom where negatives are developed
before engaging your mouth, put your mind in gear!
I want what I want when I want it
there is no chemical solution to a spiritual problem
AA is not something you join, it's a way of life
we can be positive that our drinking was negative
spirituality is the ability to get our minds off ourselves
faith is spelled ...............a-c-t-i-o-n
backsliding begins when knee-bending stops
if I think, I won't drink. if I drink, I can't think
bend your knees before you bend your elbow
the first step in overcoming mistakes is to admit them
formula for failure: try to please everyone
sorrow is looking back, worry is looking around
willpower= our willingness to use a higher power
aa is an education without graduation
when your head begins to swell your mind stops growing
a journey of a 1,000 miles begins with the first step
god=good orderly direction
be as enthusiastic about AA as you were about your drinking
you received without cost, now give without charge
humility is our acceptance of ourselves
trying to pray is praying
get it ---give it---grow in it
faith is not belief without proof but trust without reservation
we're responsible for the effort not the outcome
this is a selfish program
ego=edge god out
keep your sobriety first to make it last
I drank: too much---too often---too long
AA will work if you want it to work
minds are like parachutes----they won't work unless they're open
what you hear and see here, stays here
alcoholism is the only disease that tells you you're all right
if you turn it over and don't let go of it, you will be upside down.
an AA meeting is where losers get together to talk about their winnings
AA is a school in which we are all learners and all teachers
god taught us to laugh again but god please don't let us forget that we once cried
serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace amid the storm
AA may not solve all your problems but it is willing to share them
it isn't the load that weighs us down------it's the way we carry it
principles before personalities
when u do all the talking you only learn what you already know
the 7t's ---take time to think the thing through
there are none too dumb for the AA program but many are too smart
we all have another drunk left in us but we don't know if we have another recovery in us
to be forgiven we must forgive
when we surrender to our higher power, the journey begins
the person with the most sobriety at a meeting is the one who got up earliest that morning
knowledge of "the answers" never made anyone slip---it was failing to practice "the answers" known
H.A.L.T.=don't get too hungry(h).......or too angry(a)......or too lonely(l) ........or too tire(t)
fear stands for Frustration

Ego,
Anxiety,
Resentment

the 12 steps tell us how it works; the 12 traditions tell us why it works.........
AA won't ...........keep you from going to hell.............nor is it a ticket to heaven............but it will...........keep u sober long enough.........for you to make up your mind...............which way you want to go!
if faith without works is dead; then .........willingness without action is fantasy
when a person tries to control their drinking they have already lost control
the task ahead of us is never as great as the power behind us
seven days without an aa meeting makes one WEAK
you are not required to like it, you're only required to DO IT
when wallowing in your self-pity ...... get off the cross we need the wood
we in AA don't carry the alcoholic; we carry the message
the results are in god's hand
we are not human beings having spiritual experiences; we are spiritual beings having human experiences
remember nothing is going to happen today that you and god can't handle
when man listens, god speaks; when man obeys, god works
don't watch the "slippers" but watch those who don't slip closely and watch them go through difficulties and pull through
the 3 t's of gratitude to repay AA for our sobriety: our time, our talent, our treasure

it's a pity we can't forget our troubles the same way we forget our blessings
be careful what you pray for; you're liable to get it
the time to attend a meeting is when you least feel like going
work the program from the waist up
AA is the highest priced club in the world.........if u have paid the dues, why not enjoy the benefits ?
the first step is the only step a person can work perfectly
the will of god will never take you where the grace of god will not protect you

your big book is your sponsor too
AA never opened the gates of heaven to let me in, AA did open the gates of hell to let me out

the only thing we take from this world when we leave is what we gave away
time wasted in getting even can never be used in getting ahead
some people are so successful in AA that they turn out to be almost as good as they used to think they were when they were drinking
sobriety delivers everything alcohol promised
possibilities and miracles are one in the same
get out of the driver's seat.......let go and let god
how==honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness
danger sign: when your eyes have wandered from the alcoholics who still suffers and needs help-----to the faults of those whom the program has already helped

first we stayed sober because we have to............
then we stay sober because we are willing to..........
finally we stay sober because we want to.............

slogans are wisdom written in shorthand
active alcoholics don't have relationships; they take hostages
everyday is a gift that is why we call it the present
if you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere
every recovery from alcoholism began with one sober hour
each and every alcoholic----sober or not----teaches us some valuable lessons about ourselves and recovery
we had to quit playing god
don't compare---identify
don't intellectualize----utilize
RULE 62----don't take yourself so damn seriously!!!!!!!
AA has a wrench to fit every nut that walks through a meeting room door
living in the here and now
how does one become an "old-timer" ? don't drink and don't die!
AA spoils your drinking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
faith is our greatest gift; its sharing with others our greatest responsibility
if you want to drink-----that is your business
if you want to quit-------that is AA's business
in a bar, we got sympathy-----as long as our money lasted.
in AA, we get understanding------for nothing!
even my worst day in sobriety is better than my best day drunk
the elevator is broken-------use the steps
let it begin with me
when all else fails.........the directions are in the big book
trust god.........clean house........help others
anonymity is so important it's half of our name
if we don't grow, we gotta go
all you need to start your own AA meeting is a resentment and a coffee pot!!
religion is for those who fear god.........spirituality is for those who have been to hell and back
there are no atheists in foxholes

three suggestions for making an AA speech:
1).BE INTERESTING
2).BE BRIEF
3).BE SEATED

when you are a sponsor, you get out of yourself. if i serve, i will be served
why recovery never ends: the disease is alcoholISM, not alcoholWASM!
the AA way of life is meant to be bread for daily use, not cake for special occasions
the smartest thing an AA member can say is, " help me "
you are exactly where god wants you to be
god will never give you more than you can handle
slow but sure
in AA we say a "coincidence" is a miracle in which god chooses to remain anonymous
it takes the good and bad AA meeting----the good and bad AA talk -----to make this fellowship "work"
give time .......time
faith is a lighted doorway, but trust is a dark hall
the lesson I must learn is simply that my control is limited to my own behavior, my own attitudes
the AA paradoxes:
---from weakness(adversity) comes strength
---we forgive to be forgiven
---we give it away to keep it
---we suffer to get well
---we surrender to win
---we die to live
---from darkness comes light
---from dependence we found independence

AA works for people who believe in god
AA works for people who don't believe in god
AA NEVER works for people who believe they ARE god
just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problems at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if i felt that i had to keep it up for a LIFETIME
there are two days in every week which we have no control over----yesterday and tomorrow. today is the only day we can change.
it is not the experience if today that drives people mad----it is the remorse or bitterness for something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring.
slippers in AA use the rdp---revolving door policy
pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth
god has no grand kids
there is a god and I am not it
the road to disappointment (resentment) is paved with expectation
be nice to newcomers .........one day they may be your sponsor
denial is not a river in Egypt !
guilt is the gift that keeps on giving
the flip side to forgiveness is resentments
there is no magic in recovery only miracles
fear is the absences of faith
courage is faith that has said its prayers
depression is anger toward inward
alcoholics heal from the outside in.........but feel from the inside out
3 A's in AA-----affection (thoughtfulness)
-----attention (listening)
-----appreciation (gratitude)

if it is meant to be...........I can't stop it
if it isn't god's will ............I can't make it happen

there are AA members who MAKE things happen
there are AA members who WATCH things happen
there are AA members who DON'T KNOW anything happen
WHICH ARE YOU ??????

April 26


Imperturbable



Perfectionism is a cover, a blanket of lead; hard to move and rich with poison. What it tries to hide is my unwillingness to struggle and strive. It’s not a fear of failure, but the horror of success after a long hot pursuit. If I can stall on the intricacies of the first move there is no further movement. If I can fail before I begin there is no sweat, no stain, no stink. Catastrophe is no bother, but skinned knees are my undoing. Winning is not so important to me; my unfortunate goal is to look untroubled.





Snap a picture of your beliefs


*


TRANSITIONS

During the months of winter
The trees stand tall and leafless
Static in their appearance, frozen in direction

The insurgence of spring brings to life the truth
The buds and flowers show the draw of the their owners
The pull of life from the earth and sky.

Other trees have begun to restore the gifts so graciously given
These leafless giants open themselves
As home and sustenance to the surrounding community

Returning favors and flavors, coming to terms with wholeness
Celebrations of all I have, call for me to give back
Even during the time when we all look the same.

April 27


Blinded


Alcoholism hits me like a kind of blindness. I stagger through the living room cursing anyone who changes familiar placement or published timetables. Like every aspect of this disease shocked sightlessness is mine to deal with. I must pick up the white cane, procure the Seeing Eye pup, learn to read clustered braille. When my vision clears in these well worked spaces I am relieved, but I must accept that when I walk into a new room more often then not I will be blind again and must pick up my walking stick once more.




Apply a timeframe to misery


*

STREET SIGNS

Hanging out on the corner of Disillusion Boulevard and Grief Road
Then returning to that special spot on Despair Avenue
Was my daily routine.

I made the circle and never looked far afield
Widening my circuit
Allowed me to find Anticipation Place and Hopeful Terrace

I pushed my search and found roads
Whose existence I never fathomed intersected
Creating areas of intrigue

Optimism Court interfacing with Realization Way
Is the fairest of my finds
But many a fine street corner has me lurking

Catching stray sunshine and encouragement
I make my home wherever the hospitality is available
And return less often to the dark and stifling places of the past

Happiness is where you find it
Just make sure to read the signs.

Motoring
 

You are so very clever! Thank you for everything, for your love and concideration and thank you for reading!

All my love,

the girl

April 28




Perkiomenville

Being actually alive does not feel as good as I imagined the relief of being dead would feel and therefore I have anxiety and dread, or is it disappointment. I feel like a failure when I am in the process of trying and I want to throw the pieces in the air and run. Does this mean I’m weak or does it mean I am frightened? Or is there some heavenly host of other reasons why my crêpe paper soul twists and turns in the breeze of the marketplace? Some part of me was auctioned off and its removal left a psychic scar that even equanimity can not ease. I am all things wonderful and yet there is this flaw, this toe tied thread which holds me back, holds me down with painful accurate precision. I look for the knife with which to cut it all the while wondering if this will turn it into a toe tag or a price tag.








Police your self destruction
*






K-TURNS

I do not believe in a universe that makes complete sense
I often find myself trapped
Because the things I pull into no longer feel firm.

I attempt K-turns in alleys far too narrow for the maneuver
I can’t back myself through the passages I plunged into willingly
My faith doesn’t compute in reverse and I find this disconcerting

I may walk into the face of fire
But find it impossible to turn my back on the flame
Today a one-way faith is fine
As long as I am moving forward.

April 29




Would You Rather a Lamp?

I am a girl filled with expectations. Like a ginger jar filled, stuffed caulker block full, though the filling is the part which is unpredictable; it could be match books, or seashells, acorns or all those pretty capsules. This makes me erratic and sometimes volatile. Are you strong enough or far too sane to stay and help me sort the contents? It’s lonely work without a witness or a spotter. I rather be alone than with you reluctantly, so please try to shuck that husk and remain. Yes, I am sometimes capricious, but I try never to be cruel. I know sometimes you convince yourself that leaving me to my own devices is the wisest of courses, but don’t be fooled; you disappear due to your weakness not strength and the worst part about the price of abandonment is that everyone has to pay it.





Design a window that looks out on your dreams


*



THE SHINY THING

The starling stands with the candy wrapper in its beak
The cellophane flexes in the breeze
Here is my life

I have the shiny thing in my possession , What do I do?
Do I give up my intended tasks to attempt dominance
Or control of the shiny thing?

Do I release this thing of intrigue and beauty
I am drawn to the shimerance and sparkle
But shutter at the price

The world is filled with shiny things
I can enjoy them
But leave them where they lay.

April 30



Jane Street

The space between wanting to live and not wanting to hurt is the alley in which I live. This lane is not as narrow as you might think, in some places there is room for parking on one side. Since I reside here more often than not I have filled it with many of the appliances, which allow me to pretend at life. It doesn’t afford a truly clean or cheerful locale, but there are laughs, sometimes flowers in the spring. Finding my way out of this is tricky. When unlocked I find these are backdoors to commerce and though better than being sold wholesale, retail is not what I was hoping to find as I wrest myself from a confined existence. I have heard of those who drive through plate glass ignoring the structure. I think this is less workable from the back. What is left when I can’t bully or climb? I guess I will have to throw my hands up and pray.






Acknowledge a myth about yourself



*

ROLES

You don’t have to give up playing God
Because it was a bad thing to do.
You have to give it up because it doesn’t work
Said my sponsor in her most gentle voice.

In a world seemingly spinning out of control
You, brave child, stepped up to the plate and took a swing
That is heroic not demonic
But impractical nevertheless

You have to be your own full-time job
Even when it feels like there are other jobs left unfilled
You don’t have to run around finding the feet
To fill those empty shoes

Maybe those empty shoes are just bait for a bad trap
Keep on your journey and you will come to a place where the work
Is being accomplished by a surprising cast of characters
You will be free to stick to the role ahead of you.

Acknowledge a myth about yourself

I could not fly when high, dry or drunk. In spite of my earthly attempts, my red cape, head to toe leathers, I did feel the pain I cause/d.

:supermanbooth:

May 1





Terry Bradshaw

When someone wants to take the easy way out I condemn them for wanting ease and fail to register that they want out. I hear a whine when in fact it’s a cry. A challenge is rarely passed up by the able bodied, but must be foregone by the injured. Carried from the field is no personal victory, not a goal for sure. When I would rather watch than play I need to check for wounds not inflict them. It is not natural for me to sit in the stands, but accusation is never the way to get me on the field. Suit up when I’m whole and hide when I’m not. Absence is a fallback position for the fallen; I have to help myself to get back up.







Recognize friends as art


*

PIGS

Talking to a chrysalis about flight
Is like talking to a fetus about dry land.
Descriptions of future events
And possibility are lost in the translation.

To the uninitiated these realities sound like gibberish
And flight of fancy or foolish dogma
Yet I am drawn to talk of these things
Imagine and describe them.

I am changed by this procedure
I am transformed in the details
When I can accurately depict it
I am taking the stride into living it

I am my own pig
I have taught myself to sing
And have wasted no time at all.

May 2



Reguess

When in my sarcasm I suggested that you ‘guess again’, I realized that you were in fact guessing, guessing about everything, guessing in order to create a process of elimination, a tool on which I now recognize you entirely depend. Guessing as a way of life is a tragedy. I’m not saying that trying to know every last thing in the world is an acceptable alternate goal, but to reach an adult age and not even be able to work your way up to a possible hunch is scary, scarier than even my sarcasm, which at this moment seems interminable, but I’m sure you guessed that.







Make a list of your favorite fingers



*

ON COMING

Anticipation of the approaching traffic consumes.
The tiny spec grows and develops into the arriving vehicle
50 miles per and the rapid succession of the coming
And those leaving eats quickly at my heart.

The pain seers me
Why are these who travel from the direction of my destination
Passing me by?
For miles and miles they appear to be greeters

The breeze created by their passing chaps my face
And questions my goals
How can so many abandon my objective?
But flee they do.

My hunger does not diminish
And I press on
Of course if we all went this way, we might tip the globe
Maybe that’s what they fear.

May 3

Van and I
(Happy cleaning windows)



When the fog clears and I still can’t see, I check my optics and wash my windows. The mundane upkeep hones my pursuit. After the weather and housekeeping concerns are managed, eye exercises are next on the agenda. I have to strengthen my equipment, stay fit or fall prey to vagaries of nearsighted limits or farsighted failings. Myopia is an ever presence danger I must guard against as well. A fixed focus is a death trap. I must learn to track a moving target while I wend onward. Nothing in life is stationary; concentration and a decent line of sight are priceless rudiments. Continual practice with the tools and tactics build my confidence and sharpen wit. Burdens are lightened when I see my goal in stark relief; I can chart my path and make my way. Sobriety means if I can see it I can believe it, so I best go get the Windex.



Lock your doors when you need to, open windows when you can


*

MY SOBER HEART

The heart I have today
Is not the heart I have had all my life
Cells age and are replaced

I slough off what I can no longer use
And rejuvenate with fresh layers
My sobriety is the same.

Past step work is revamped and approached in innovative ways
Yesterdays prayers are replaced with today’s
Today’s meditations will be dispelled by tomorrows

The function remains the same but it is constructed with brand-new work
Service I render is always for my sobriety
But I work to strengthen various quadrants

My heart is not as young as it used to be
And vigorous action remakes it new each day
I rebuild my sober heart continually because forever and today
I have the mind of an alcoholic.

May 4



The Wake Up Call


I wake early and watch the lazy rain fall in slow fat random drops. I view it with silent awe, only part of my recently somnolent mind bewildered. Dawn advances toward me and I register a new concept: snow, it is snow; the sky had been, too dark to allow me to see the white, all I could comprehend was the fall. The lighter the sky becomes the more the precipitation behaves like snowfall. I muse this to my sponsor and she laughed, “Well, we all misname things in the dark, Sweetie, lighten up and give yourself a break.”







Look for the secrets you keep from yourself

*

QUEEN’S COUNTENANCE

I know the 7 P’s of preparation
I set the table for those I know
The unexpected arrive clothed in time and tradition

They seat themselves at the table with the naked
They become mute
We prattle and pose
Rarely glimpsing the goals sitting at the unset seats

What we need to become
Is far from what we are
I can not even call it other

It is within when we make room
And ether when we won’t
I can wait and try
But the juice is deep with the pulp

I get myself in line for the future
And wait for the clothes offered by my guests
I sit the emperor and rise the queen

May 5


With and Without


With my sponsor- Without my drinking buddies

With my Big Book- Without my contrived dogma

With my home group- Without my dysfunctional family

With my step work- Without my mental masturbation

With my sobriety- Without my insanity

With all this I can live Without all that




Appreciate the strength of your neck


*

THE LONG VIEW

The long view requires an enduring embrace of the past
It requires a great love of people
The race and individuals

I cannot see what we do and flee
I can own what happened, what happens and what is to come
If only so I can ratchet improvement into my own behavior

I can see and feel change, cringe if I must, but go on
The horizon is there to set the stage
It hangs long and low

It stands guard for the life there is to live
I will view it
And use it as my gauge

Keeping perspective is the key
I know it for what it is
And that makes me,----me

The short sight and the long view
My open arms hold it all
My sight brings it all into my heart.

Horizon of Miracles
 

Daddy, thank you! This is beautiful!! love, the girl

Cinderella,

I am so honored by your words. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my posts. I am so gratified that you like them. Yes, these writings are available in book form. What you are reading in the December posts is titled Sober on the Way to Sane As of January 1 you will find a combination of a page from More Sober on the Way to Sane and a page from Lines From My Life all of these can be purchased. If you click on the raincoated guy in my signiture it will take you to my website and if once there you click on the books section you will see many of my books or you can go to amazon to purchase them, just type Sherrie T. or Sherrie Theriault into the search box on their website that should take you to most of the books. If you would like to see my erotica book that can be found by clicking on the pom pom waving girl in my signiture. Thank you for your support and encouragement. I hope you enjoy all that you read!

Very truly,

Sherrie

You *have* been published! I knew it! A talent like yours could not be overlooked!!

Yes, I would love to, and will, examine your books. I will probably end up buying every one...as for the erotic stuff, being the prude that I am, I think I will pass on those, but I can't wait to read the others.

Again, thank you for sharing your gifts with the world. It's people like you that make life worth while.

May 6


Yield Don’t Stop


If I let amazement stop my progress I will become landlocked instead of becoming free. Picture wagon wheels planted in Kansas when the destination had been California. Yes, the plains are great, but if that was not my aim it is a far cry from heaven. Arriving at any haven is tempting; when it crosses to captivating then to captivation, here is where the problem lay. Steps six and seven changed me and this is good. If I allow this to halt me this is disaster. If the wheels fall off the wagon I walk. If I grow too tired to walk I pant with my friends and we carry each other, we don’t stop.







Pickle the pretty fruit from your labors

*


BRATZLOV

If all the world is a narrow bridge,
I must broaden my mind.
If all the doors are closed to the passage of a hallway,
I must exit through the window.

Never again can I stay and shelter
In a small and confining refuge
A womb is a place to come out
It is never a place of return.

I am not to seek overexposure
But I must ever widen the gate
The brave face I show is the gift of a tight world
Owning me for far too long.

Fear is never meant to be larger than life
And the world should never collapse
Around the sweetness of a smile

Today carries us.
Tomorrow draw us.
The world is a bridge.

May 7


Pinocchio as a Girl



I should be painting today instead of reframing the future, an unnecessary and ephemeral job at best. Kind of like lassoing an unborn colt, I try to put a rope around something that cannot get away. Outcome hasn’t much to do with foregone conclusion and wouldn’t I be better mixing colors and wetting brushes than cutting slices from a pie in the sky? But tomorrow seems more spacious than this crowded present and I con myself into believing this is a harmless trip to the fair. I lose my light, my thought, my sight with these thieving sojourns; leaving me to creak around because all that is left is wood.






Nothing gets in the way of something


*

MAIL

I form my query
Fold my mind
And mail it off to God
With a stamp of approval from my sponsor

The questions sent are of no great interest
But the responses are a spellbinding group
What is returned unopened
Is a wide array

The circuitous route taken by some
Is a charm of elucidation
I rub my finger over the intact seals
And marvel at the travels of the wax

I mourn over the defunct gods
And their public relations organizations
Slow is my resolve to pour over the replies
I get easily caught in lackings and shy from true contact

The equations embedded in my heart read the letters
And sing the notes, these songs are just for me
I know them like my name
I turn the envelope and see how old the postmark is

May 8



A Good Ship



Recently my life has taken on a surreal quality. I stand in front of myself as if I were a business to be run or a project to be undertaken. The intensity, uncertainty and drama seem to be on the wane. There are choices to be made and outcomes to be determined, but this is all work and numbers, nothing at risk below the skin. My heart is secure, true love its protector, faith its inborn light. I am docked in safety harbor; the waves may rock me, but my anchor holds me fast.







Follow your lead

*

ALL- BETTER NOW

Mother kissed the booboo
And I wait for the admonition to take effect
Waiting, I count the problems
Like telephone poles on a long journey

What will it be like
The world all- better?
The anticipation nearly breaks me for awhile
Until waiting turns to disbelief.

A chill fills the space
And all- better becomes the cry
My sponsor calls for moderation
And lowering my expectation

The child’s ears ring with the promise to be fulfilled
She cannot give herself over to a world
Where band -aids are not a cure-all
But only a cover for the slow work of internal healing, scars and all.

Sheer survival is not sufficient for the screaming toddler
Heartbreak from injustice calls for more than endurance
But alas, a kiss is all we have.