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I had to post this conversation between my neighbor and I. It was a long time ago, but we still laugh about it today.
Neighbor: Lisa, you have to smell this new stuff I got. Me: What is it? Neighbor: Febreze. Me: *takes bottle turns the knob, squeezes handle, turns knob, squeezes handle*. Ree, how do you get it to spray. Neighbor: Turn the knob at the end. Me: I did. Neighbor: What does it say on the knob? Me: It says "Off, No, Off, No" Neighbor: Bust out laughing hysterically - Lisa, it "Off, ON, OFF, ON" not no. Me: Busted out laughing from blonde moment. I was reading it upside down. |
"That is the ugliest sneeze ever. The sound of it, the look of it, the repetitive nature of it. Every bit of it is ugly."
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shit heard while driving.... :)
Teddy (to man in the middle of the street) are you gonna cross or what?!?
HORN BEEPS....waving of hand out the window.....swearing ensues Me: Honey, that's a cop directing traffic. Teddy: no its not....oh yes it is..... :fastdraq: |
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ok it isnt something I see often i thought it was some1 trying to cross the street, I DIDNT wave my hand out the window across it yes out it NO NOW i know y he was looking at me funny when i blew the horn at him |
Hearing Check may be required....whaaa...????
8yo Mancub found jumping on the bed.
Me: Well it's clear to me we have to go to the doctor next week. Boy: (between jumps) why....Mom...my...I....feel...fine.... Me: because I say "get dressed and brush your teeth" but you hear "this would be an excellent time to jump on the bed in my underpants and drive my mother insane!!!" Boy: (laughs-still jumping) o...Kay...Mom...my...I'll....go ....with....you...(he starts to giggle)....if.....you're....good.....you'll....get .....a......sticker!! Me: Dude. You did not just play me like that....(laughing) Boy: oh yes I did!!! (laughing) Me: I'll give you $500 if you brush your teeth and put on some clothes. Boy: REALLY?!?! Me: No, not really. But I will feed you breakfast. And stop jumping on that bed or Ill duct tape you to the chair. Boy: oh yeah, I hated that....worst 5 minutes ever... |
shit heard in the car...
sitting at a stoplight after lunch today...
dixie:aww look honey a poodle me: :looking around: dixie: oh nevermind its just an old ladys head me: :| dixe and me : :cracked: |
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And can I get extra non-sequitur on the side please?
In the car this morning with the 8yo Mancub, the following conversation took place.
(quietly driving to camp...) Mancub: Mommy, you should stay away from the Zombie Pig Man if you can, they only want one thing. Me:Whhaaaa...??? ---who is Zombie Pig Man?? Mancub: Well he's really not the worst thing you just gotta be careful. Me:Well, that seems wise. Which is worse? The zombie part or the pig part? Mancub:Well, he's not really a man. He's just a Zombie Pig....."AN UNDEAD PIG?"...(said in that tone of voice that questions both my experience with pigs as well as zombies)...and also, you get 10 hearts in the beginning, to stay alive... Me: Much like in life I think...the more hearts you have, the better... Mancub:Moooommmyyyyyy.....!! (whiny voice because I've just derailed him) Me:I love metaphors in the morning. It smells like intellect. Mancub:*sigh* Please turn on the radio. |
regarding the upcoming jelly making project
me to Syr "ok, my fruit is dripping"
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after I've returned to the house, sitting here posting about things I'm thankful for...
my phone beeps a text I read: "I'll KILL YA!" ... Me: :blink: :blink: :confused: :confused: "What the hell did I do now?" no answer Me: "I turned the stove off!" no answer Me: "WHAT??!!" phone beeps (typos adding to comedy): "Whn did u put a bottle of water full of lemon juice in my fridge... and do you know what it feels like coming oit of yoir nose" Me: OMFG!!! Me: I didn't put it in the fridge!! You must have picked it up from counter! 2 minutes later, beep: I turned up the bottle and took a big gulp it shocked me so bad it spewed out my nose OMG! me: OMFG!!! ROFLMAO!!! LMAO!!!! (while recalling he had done the same thing recently at a restaurant with a friend) me: Where's the video? them: It was cd and in fridge and LEMONY, LOL ... tbe first thing I thought was damn that was cruel... im killin her! Me: CLEANS out your sinuses them: LORD what is a comical night Me: Can't kill me when I already ran out door!! .... you don't need to snort salt water now!! them: LOL Me: Are you okay?...... if you are, I am still laughing!! them: yeah im ok it was just a shock Me: Thought I ran over your dog the way you yelled! ..... later on, after texting about dog medicine... Me: you sure aspirin will help him? It won't hurt him like it does a little kid? Them: real asporin Me: (chuckling at them using their new phone, and the voice commands that can't understand a southern accent) Ok, I'll see if they sell ASPORIN... them: "sticks tongue out at u" Me: bet it still tastes like lemon!! them: LOL yeah it kinda does! Me: :p |
a text convo...
(after a friend's best buddy -a gay guy- stated "all you lipstick lesbians love Bass Pro Shop instead of Victoria Secrets!"...)
Me: tell him...lipstick lesbians can't handle heavy machinery while wearing high heals and corsets! but when they change into their Timberlands and "I'm the boss" t-shirt...WATCH OUT! Them: LOL...I'll do that... Me: I'll just wear my corset under my t-shirt ;-) to make him happy to call me lipstick lesbian... ;-) :cheesy: Them: hahahahahahaha ... you crack me up! Me: Just as long as you aren't allergic to super glue! Them: LOL STOP Me: If I crack you up...then I know what to get for your stocking stuffers every Xmas... Them: Too funny Me: joint compound and grout floats! Them: LOL... STOP!! Me: Not until you cry out "stop tickling me!! Or I'll need pull-ups!" ... Them: stop tickling me... I'm not going to admit to pull-ups! Me: squish squish...swish swash (referencing their baby niece that was wearing old fashioned rubber diaper covers when she got into the water and "squished and swished" as she walked...) Me: love to see you smile Them: I am smiling and chuckling... |
" no more zombie licking! " :chasingzombie:
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Stuff said around the house
Do you eat peanut butter on everything. Um no theres ketcup,salt,pepper ,sugar and salsa (lol)
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Shit heard around this beach.
Maria, not a fan of sand, hot sun, or crowds:
"Their conversation is the soundtrack from the production of Hell." "This is the waiting room to Hell." "Do I look Goth enough?" We'll go back to the beach in winter... |
Things heard around this bed...
"....you just made my god damn fuckin' eyebrow hurt...."
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While riding in the new truck yesterday....
Me: Yeah, it needs something, it's kinda boring.
The Boy: You could paint it pink. Me: No, the pink would clash with the red. Maybe camo. The Boy: Nothing says "butch" like a pink camo truck. LOL That kid cracks me up. |
Packing for reunion...
Bully "Oh i like these shorts, let's pack these" Belle "Ok, which shirt do you wear with them" Bully "What do you mean? Any of my shirts go with them" Belle "No they don't. Pick out a shirt that matches and we will pack them together" Bully holds up a random shirt Belle "No, that is black not blue it doesn't match those shorts, it matches your blue shorts" Bully "Oh dear god i never knew packing was so intense and complicated." Belle: *thinking...how did she ever get by without me. :| |
What I said:
"Baby, my shoulder hurts pretty badly. I can't even pick up the coffee pot to pour my coffee this morning" The part she thought that she heard: "I can't even lick the coffee pot" to which I said: "I'm not that desperate for coffee this morning baby" :| |
Syr : "We need a bigger fuckery suitcase"
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Bear to girl: you can take my cane if you can get off the crutches. The big black one. It'll match your dresses.
Me: Oh boy. Bear to girl: just don't go swinging it around. It's heavy duty 10 pounds. Girl laughs Me: blink blink. Me wandering off, muttering: don't nobody piss her off in little rock |
Z talking to our pup about getting in the blankets next to me: Babygirl, what's wrong, is daddy tooting.
Me: Babe I think you toot more. Five minutes later I toot. LOL :fart: :rofl: |
Me: hey babe, can we stay at the Bareback inn again for your birthday?
Justin: the what!? Me: the Bareback inn?? Justin: (laughing) don't you mean the Back Bay Inn? Me: Ohhh hahahaha! *red face* |
"I love you very much.."
"Prove it...." "I prove it everyday by not killing you..." :praying: |
text...and cold noses
me: have you shook that headache? didn't want to wake you.
friend: I'm awake. It's still here. I'll take more meds around 10 tonight. me: sorry, sexy friend: thanks sweets. not looking too good right this minute. lol me: like Droopy? friend : pretty much me: NO PUPPY TREATS FOR YOU..only rest and meds! friend : lol..ok |
Babe you're gonna wear me out. I'm out for the count. ;)
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Me: everybody likes my chorizo.
Zimmeh: Yea, but I get it everyday. *snicker .. I was talking about the food! LMAO |
No sex before breakfast is what I told the girl this morning.... So she burst out laughing
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Belle: Do you think Christina Aguilera is pretty?
Bully: Yeah, she's pretty, but.... not as pretty as you. :insert cheesy grin: *+46637256352 points. (Yes, that's right, she is coming right along. ;) ) |
Z and I discussing what we may do Sunday.
Z: Let's go watch the game. Me: You don't want to go to the Universal Horror nights? Me: Ohh the game might be scarier (Denver @ NE) Me: *thinking* damn my babe would rather watch the game.. I score either way!! lol :) |
Papi: "I blew it up" :blink::passinggas:
Me: Going into our second bathroom to brush my teeth and leaving Hym in the living room. |
My mom talking to the baby " hold on baby grandpa has to turn me on"
I burst out laughing She said to me" your sick I meant my oxygen tank" lol |
Shit heard while at lunch (Chinese)
Me: Squinting at my fortune from my fortune cookie. "Baby, I can't read this."
Teddy: Do you need your glasses? Me: STILL trying not to need my glasses to read it. "Oh. Its Chinese." :| Teddy: Oh you cant read Chinese?? :jester: |
https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphot...31660406_n.jpg
My daughters Skeleton in his Princess Pull-Up because my 2yr old grandaughter said "His butt showing Momma, he needs diaper" |
chris: I promise I'm not turning metrosexual or anything. I'm holding off on tshirt buying because I'm sort of inbetween sizes.
me: sugar bear, you are way past metrosexual. me: (i guess i should hold off on calling you metrosexual til AFTER i stop asking you favors :D) chris: WUT chris: I am NOT metrosexual. me: honey. honey. you have more hair products than i have products for my whole body. chris: ERMYGOD HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO STYLE IT WITHOUT PRODUCT? me: how'm i supposed to know? i just roll out of bed and look fabulous. chris: And all I have is gel, mousse, water wax, rewind, fiber, and pomade. (and he forgot to list dandruff shampoo, colorstay shampoo, and scent-free shampoo, all of which have corresponding conditioner bottles. that's totally not including the deodorant and other things. it's a good thing my apartment has two bathrooms and a ginormous cabinet, is all i'm saying.) |
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chris: You have your own special stuff with each person, right?
me: *ponders* i dunno? we can have special stuff if you want, depending on what it is :) chris: Well like...you don't use the same lines or the same boobs or stuff with every person you're dating, right? me: ...you know my boobs aren't removable, right? |
Bully: OMG Rachel and the Yankees are going to be on at the same time tonight, what will I do?
Belle: Well put it this way, Rachel is only an hour. The way baseball moves they won't even have their gloves on yet. Bully: :| (will tape the game) |
More of a "shit seen around this house"....
Skye is in the other room, chewing a rawhide. Spirit is sitting next to me as I eat an apple with peanut butter. I give Spirit a tiny bite. What does she do? She carries this tiny morsel into the other room, and sits down to eat it directly in front of Skye's face. Skye trots out and gives me the "what did you give sissy?" look. I give her a bite. Spirit comes back. They both share the last bite of my snack. :blink: Who's in charge around here anyway? :seeingstars: |
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