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:hangloose:NYC pride
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RE: how long do I do this?
I'm feeling tired and of the "I can't do this anymore mood". I have no one to tell it to, so here goes:
How long do I do this? We've supposedly been "together" for over 6 years. I tried to go slow at first, to do it right. I had my own place as an address for 3 of them but never got to live there. You wouldn't let me. You brought me here after 2 days and I never got to enjoy my own place again. Yes, we were in love. But I wanted my own place too. To have MY space. But your mother got mad, abandoned you/us and we were both sick I mean really sick. She took care of your meds, brought you meals, took care of you when you got sick. I stepped in and did all that. Yes, you saved my life by bringing me from where I was and took care of me when I was really sick. And continued to do so. I know and appreciate it beyond words. But I have been saving your life since I recovered. You have been continually ill from nearly the time I recovered. I loved you so I took care of you, take care of you. I bring you nearly all your meals in bed b/c you are too ill to get out of bed. I check your blood sugar around the clock. I 've saved your life from diabetes so many times I cannot count. I did. do these things b/c of love. But, dear one, I am getting so, so tired. I am very ill, too. I need to be taken care of but I come home from the dr so tired my eyes are crossing. And then you have a major health crisis. I have to figure which, maybe allm of your illnesses is going haywire and take measures to correct it. Usuaually you cannot help me in this process. You have gone catatonic, cannot talk, cannot move. So I struggle to make you comfortable, to make sure your O2 is on you, that your blood sugar is at the right level, check to see which meds you have taken. All this while I want desperately for someone to take care of me for a while. Not for long, nothing too much. Just one week of being able to sleep without worry that the alarm will not work, that your sugar will not drop, that whatever is making you so sick that you literally cannot lift a fork to your mouth unaided won't kick in while I sleep. I get so lonely, my love. I used to have you for company. We have no friends in this dead little town. While you sleep your life away, in whatever world your illnesses have locked you into, I am here in a place where I have lived for so long and not made even ONE friend. Do you know how unheard of that is for me? I make friends easily. If I had kept my little apt, I would have at least acquaintaces to say hello. People to talk with. I was going to reorganize the library there. I already knew the name of the best librarian at the town library behind the building, I had a handicapped apt for when I got my wheelchair. Now I cannot even walk down the street by myself b/c I walk with a cane and the street is too dangerous. I know that you did not intend for life to turn out this way. But while you sleep you life away in your illnesses, I want desperately for a shoulder to lean on. for someone who is awake and can make and bring me coffee in bed once in a while. Someone who can do all the things you promised me in the beginning. I feel myself starting to hate this place you've brought me to, this cold. unfriendly . lonely place. I look at you and remember our love at the start, I've never looked my age but now I feel twice that. I feel more like a nurse than a partner. Oh, love, what do I do? |
How can a European country think of {and produce} a reality show where the Winner gets an all-expense paid Kidney transplant...
And I'm over here in fuck-it-all u.s.a on a long-ass waiting list, risking enormous Debt, and tons of excuses? guh :candle: :badmood: |
I wrote this as part of my response to a friend's editorial column about the need for LGBT friendly members of our local government in order to achieve acceptance for everyone in our metro area. We have a culture of apathy where I live and that is in all communities not just the LGBT. It is extremely frustrating that everyone wants rights and privileges but very few offer to actually pitch in, much less support our efforts.
I'm not giving up - ever... Here's part of what I wrote: We CAN make changes individually and as a community. Imagine what our lives would be like had Stonewall never happened – 41 years ago this weekend a small group of people had had enough. Several years prior to Stonewall there were the riots at Compton’s. And what about Harvey Milk, Barbara Gittings, Frank Kameny, Harry Hay, Larry Kramer, Del Martin, Phyllis Lyon and many others? Their actions helped to further open the closet door for us…but that door has yet to be knocked off its hinges. We can do this if we just get out there and get to work. Understand that we WILL meet with resistance. Change will NOT happen overnight. But if we continue to do little or nothing that closet door will begin to close inch by inch. If you don’t believe me I have 2 words for you: Prop 8. |
I was talking on the phone tonight and realized that I am content. Quite so, actually. It's refreshing.
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Insomnia.................
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Why can't Republicans be more like Dr King or Thomas Jefferson and less like Sen. Santorum or George W Bush.
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so fresh!
best homemade savoury rosemary bread ever :)
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I really....REALLY...don't wanna send an email to fetLife admin asking to fix a typo.....
cuz I know the answer.... and I'm not doing that shit a 3rd time.. :sunglass::seeingstars: |
my puppy and best friend for the last 18 years
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Former VP Dick Cheney is in the hospital with heart issues again. Wondering if this is it or if he is going to bounce back again. :tarot: |
a meeting this week. I hope it goes well.
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Wondering myself into a frenzy now ...
I had dinner tonight with an interesting woman. Now I am wondering if she is trying to come out at age 40. She confided she had been with women ... really enjoyed being sexual with women. Told me when I went to San Fran for chest surgery, she would go with me to take care of me. (I never asked her to help me.) And she had tons of questions about the way I do things in bed, my strap-on, how all that works ... blah, blah, blah ... She is very attractive but I have never given any thought until tonight. She asked me to go eat with her. This woman has always been very affectionate in our friendship but tonight the hugging and the kissing on the cheek seemed more "something" than before. I cannot really read this. Just have to wait and see. I have been told I am a two by four butch. The fact is, lots of times I don't know if a woman is coming on to me ... or just being affectionate and friendly. Maybe it is nothing. Maybe it is something. Time will tell. She has the sexiest freckles and tonight it has started ... now I am driving myself nuts wondering if she has freckles on her titties too. Oh my gosh! :)
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I'm trying to figure what this Sez...
w/o wasting time on LD calls..... http://i265.photobucket.com/albums/i..._77/hebreo.jpg |
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Dr says I need to destress... but my life keeps adding to it. I need to go back to the drawing board and figure out something I can do for a living that won't stress me out but still make enough money to live on. Love life is sucky, health is a problem because of asthma and stress. I need a new life. I am usually and upbeat and positive person, but the last couple of years are starting to wear me out. I hate how I feel about my life and I keep trying to find a way to fix my situation, but everytime I figure something out, somehow and in someway it is unaccessable. The latest being I was sent an application from a college for a course to learn the new electronic medical records thing. Gov't funding etc finally came in and I don't meet any of the criteria to even take the courses. I would need a couple of years of experience in IT and or the health field to qualify to even learn it. I don't have that so I need to figure something else out now. I am overwhelmed.
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Getting things ready and plans made for the union Human Rights conference coming up in August at the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City, NJ. :)
~Theo~ :bouquet: |
congrats
my brother, Jim, and his lover Kerry are headed to Iowa today to get married.
i wish i could be there, but it is too far and short notice i wish them the best he said they registered at Century 21 lol :balloon: |
Doctors Reports:seeingstars::candle:
A reminder not to try and chat while taking tests:seeingstars: |
What is on my mind
:penguin: Joan Rivers urges young gay stars to stay in the closet. She stated that coming out will ruin their career, and income potential. :penguin: Oxford's leading researcher, Mark McCarthy has discovered 12 new links in the largest diabetic gene study, mostly for type 2 diabetes, including Europe, USA, and Canada. :penguin: Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg's husband, Martin, 78 yo, died from mestatic cancer. Last week they celebrated their 56th wedding anniversary. He is being buried at Arlington National Cemetary. He was a well-known lawyer, and professor at Georgetown. |
Eating another bowl of Golden Puffs cereal...then hitting the hay.
I'd go say goodnight to Jesse,but she seems to be full of herself tonight.That tarball.*sigh* |
people :bunchflowers::koolaid::clover::duck::stillheart:
places :farmtree::tea::moonstars::missing: things :seeingstars::pirate::brainsucker::balloon::poc-nod::wateringgarden::greendollar::seconddoh: :raspberry: |
I came back from my PCP and she is scheduling a neurological work up including a brain scan. Another Dr was going to do it but then decided to wait. I have been having some pretty serious issues with memory and confusion. When my PCP saw all the meds I am on (I thought i had told her the other Drs were prescribing me these meds...I must have assumed I did and just plainly didnt) she is thinking the meds are interacting badly...so she is going to talk to my other Drs and then they are going to look at my work up and brain scan together.....
can I schedule this in between my surgery for my hiatal hernia, my shoulder repair surgery and my back surgery? All to be done in the next 6 months... so my mind is literally on my mind... |
Dear *
Thank you for our talk last night, and how it has helped Me to bring out a side of Myself that I didn't think would ever come out. I consider Myself extremely lucky to have you as My friend, so thank you for being there for Me ~ it sure does mean alot :rose: Me |
Larry King, 77 yo, is retiring for good. I wonder if Larry King Live on CNN will continue under a new name? The show continues on until November. I hate to see the show end. I enjoy it. :scarytv: Watching Wimbleton. Getting dr's appointments when I want them. Not when it's convenient to the doctor. Amen. Ex-QB's son, 2 yo, drowns in a hot tub - a headline that caught my attention. It was Randall Cunningham's son. He played for the Eagles then the Vikings and retired in 2002. His son died in their Las Vegas home. A nanny found the child. She tried cpr, and called for help. It was too late. RIP. :praying: Travelers ads on TV with the animals are adorable. I just love the rattle-snake. Literally. A snake with a baby rattle it's holding by it's tail. :superfunny: |
Back to work today. After a nice 3 day vacation. Also am I too picky, I was wondering about that as well.
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I have invited people over for a cook out at my place next week. They are folks from my home group in AA. I havent hosted in months. Well, heck, years! I am so eager to do this. I use to have these get togethers every week in the summer for my old home group. My yard is set up for wonderful parties. I love sharing my life and am looking forward to doing this more often...
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Yesterday our 2 obvious kitties with mouth infections had to go for their 2 week check up after their 10 days of meds. They still have the infection, but it's much better. The vet sent us home with another 10 days of Baytril for them, poor babies. Last night they really put up a fight taking the meds and I felt so bad for them. Today I have to separate them from the pack when R brings home more cat litter. I decided we needed to clear out one of the bedrooms and let them have it instead of them being isolated in cages for 2 weeks. Either way, they're not going to like being separated from all of us. I can see it now, I'll be taking one of our cots and setting it up in the room to sleep with them some nights and if not me then R. Those kitties really have us trained as they tug at our heartstrings. And in case I never said what the cats were diagnosed with after the culture came back, it was Pasteurella Multocida and Gram Negative Organism. It was the reason my finger got infected and I wound up with Cat Scratch Fever.
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I was in my late 20s before I managed to stop biting my nails. Previously I tried various things to stop but was never able to. Then at one point I told myself to stop - and I did. However, sometimes the habit comes back - usually I realize what I am doing and stop right away. Sometimes I don't realize until I bite a nail down to where it bleeds. I did this the other day. Man, it is so difficult to type with a messed up finger!
I really do know better. |
Wondering what news I will hear in the next few days or week. UGH.:canoworms:
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Six minutes until I leave to go home.
I miss home today. I miss it every day, but I REALLY miss it today. :( |
All set for the hurricane which they are reporting is just under where we are...settling in for the rest of whatever is about to happen...there are tornadoes now where we hardly ever get any...thankfully Alex is at a Category 1 and that's a blessing... How amazing...it's so beautiful outside now...there is rain and breeze--the heat is no longer...it feels a little muggy but the breeze helps...my daughter helped get everything ready and we are going to hunker down... I trust God for all things and I am praying for minimal-to-no damage...will see you all on the other side... Love and blessings-Shug |
Once an addict, always an addict...
It doesn't matter if you stop using five mins ago or 20 yrs and 16 days ago.. The urge when it hits, is just as hard to resist.. |
My older sister is a recovering addict. I haven't spoken to her in years because of it. I can only hope and pray that one day something changes her mind, body, and spirit. I so dearly miss her. I know my time here on earth won't last forever. |
My upcoming move and my sis and nephew's two week visit with me. :)
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Knives.... |
Narcissistic personalities.
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Penelope
Mom is feeling a bit better, but they are putting in tubes to drain infection and the MRSA has her down with pneumonia.
i am glad my nephew is up there, my brother and his new husband should be back tonight. Da is doing good, having the baby there keeps him busy. Well not really a baby, he will be 5 next saturday. just hoping she feels better enough to come home soon. |
wondering where Camo is. He is MIA...and I am worried
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