You know da Cowboi luvs ya!!!!! SssssssHHHhhh I don't want Kat to be jealous.

But June....Why are you assuming that you'd lose E? Perhaps you wouldn't. Perhaps she cares about you as much as you care about her and would trust you enough to know that your reason for going after J was an honorable one? I guess a lot depends on the circumstances, but is it totally beyond the realm of possibility that you wouldn't lose you friend?

i need a spread sheet to keep up!

Aha!
 

Here's a good example!


Sweet is dead, gone, we no longer get to kick it.. I love Mike, he's not hard to look at, but my juices don't flow.

Not cause he's not dateable but because he's my family.


If mike was Sally's ex and I knew Sally from seeing her at The 616 I'd maybe ask him for a date. I doubt sexy time would happen cause I'd end up kicking it like we do now.


Comparability is a must for more than just knucke bump moments.

Ah...But say they broke up by mutual agreement because they'd simply grown apart;)

Just kidding June. Honest.

i don't think the difference is that some of us have best femme friends/chosen family and some of us don't.

i've been family with my best femme friend since fourth grade and would fly across the country to bail her crazy ass out of jail. i've been with my partner for seven years and known him for over half my life.

if he and i had a messy breakup tomorrow and they started dating next week and i knew nothing about it, to me, that would indicate some serious communication issues that needed to be dealt with immediately (on all sides).

if, after three months or six months, we were actually having good communication and sarah talked to me about it first and they wanted to date, i'd be just fine with that. i'd probably warn them both about what they were getting into first with each other :P i'd still care deeply about them both. i'd still fly across the country to help either of them in a heartbeat. if i had some feelings of jealousy, i'd handle them.

i don't feel that that's morally wrong. or disloyal. or against any code of friendship. or "choosing sexytimes over friendship." or any of the other things people have said in this thread. i don't necessarily think that i have to agree with everyone who is a part of my chosen family on that in order for them to be in my chosen family. i don't think there's any sort of unwritten mutual agreement we need to have about it.

if the situation were reversed, i'd do the same thing - i would talk to that person - whether it was someone i'd known for over half my life or someone i met just this year on the planet or an acquaintance. and if i valued their role in my life and they had super strong feelings about it, i would probably choose not to pursue a relationship with their ex unless they became comfortable with it. but i don't assume they'll react one way or another.

amen! especially to the "just one soul mate." and the giving up control. that sort of thinking even -i- think is weird, LOL.

yuck. i didn't read this thread as a "releasing exes" issue at all. i also wanted to say - even though i've disagreed with a lot of folks, i'm super grateful to anya for starting the discussion and to june and angie and everyone else who's posted. this is one of the most thought-provoking threads i've read in awhile. it did make me really stop and investigate some deep shit in my own self.

and can people not drag shit from thread to thread. please.

I don't see the scenario Aishah outlined as messy. That's me. I have to say that I haven't been involved in something like that since my twenties, when several friends had similar issues. But I wouldn't even associate it with youth and all that could mean.

I also don't even see it as putting romantic relationships above friendships if that is the overarching issue.

The fact is that rules work until they don't. I make decisions based on circumstances.

There were two situations like this among friends when I was in my twenties. In one case, I supported the friend who felt betrayed by her ex and good friend when they hooked up not long after the friend and her partner had broken up.

In the other, I supported the new couple. In that situation, the offended ex had cheated on her partner when they were together. She had not been a good partner. I felt that her ex deserved a shot at happiness and supported him. He is still with that person. Their eldest just went off to college this Fall.

the thing about messiness is...another value that is very important to me personally is growing my friends, family, and community.

so, no, i wouldn't want to make decisions or encourage others to make decisions that might cause discord or cause family or community to break. in the situation with shannon and nick (my friend who set me up with her ex), that actually could have been a big problem because we're all very deeply involved in the same communities locally and they started a community space together that i participate in.

that said, i also know that no family or community can be 100% happy or un-messy or not problematic all the time. to me, avoiding these situations could potentially be more unhealthy than confronting them.

yes this!!

More out loud thinking
 

I'd be just as upset if Jeff started dating boy of weather, I think it's because my heart is attached, I wouldn't care if Jeff dated TC though, I'd probably invite them to dinner!

Interesting.. I guess right now I can't think of mine being mine cause I like mine and happen to love mine and therefore why it makes me a lil sad to picture boy of weather kissing Jeff, June, Ken, Julie, etc etc kissing them on the neck in that way he do me. Though him taking them to Happy Hour at European Street really makes my head reel. I'd have to call my therapist A LOT!

Wow!

Take a several hours off and the discussion heads in fascinating directions!

Awesome! To me, the original intent does not matter nearly as much as the directions this has taken.

It will take me an hour to read all the pages but am headed out to my folks house so it will have to wait.

Thanks all and I have learned a great deal so far.

PS: tonight is the walking dead and dexter so reading all your great posts may take me a while but I will!

for me, utterly: rules work until they don't. I've had some serious eye openers in the last year about situations. I never, ever EVER though I would do polyamorous. Non-monog I didn't want to go back and do again, but I would consider it if pushed. I was recently asked about a poly thing I would have absolutely done. And it shocked the hell out of me.

At the age of 43, I am still shocked at how I can change given situations I had never thought of. Or been in.

I can no longer say "Oh I would *never* do X" because I have finally realised that my weirdo personal god or spirit familiar or talisman or ruling ancestor (all of which I don't believe in but because I don't it's funnier for them, I'm sure) is a Trickster. There is something about my life that resembles a practical joke when I get all up in my own about something. Or make absolutes. I get smacked with a big fat lesson about it. bang.

never ever want to get married cause you don't agree with it? Bang! I'm married. Be absolutely certain, beyond even a shadow of a doubt, that my partner would never, ever cheat or lie because of her high level of integrity? smack! suprise. Never do poly? Bang! guess again. Never do monog? TA DA! Never be the other woman? well look at what you've found yourself in? never EVER do that again!!! Oh *really*??

I could go on and on and on. the only thing I can say now is

"I haven't got a fucking clue what I would do" cause if I'm sure about it, I'll get put in place by that Trickster that follows me around.

And I can be really stubborn and willful. So life has some serious tricks for me up her sleeve.

Yay!
 

Thank you all for the great, hard, thoughtful conversation! It's been really great being a part of it:) mad props to all you great Femmes!