|
In my house, I have a policy called Straight Up. It is essentially our golden rule. It’s that important. You show the utmost respect by being straight up, and if someone asks you, “Straight up, answer me this…” then you must, absolutely must, honor it with the whole truth. To defy it would be as bad as a physical slap in the face. What I need more than to have my feelings assuaged is to be forthright and to have forthrightness in return. It’s how I continuously learn from all of you, and from my family. It’s what I have to give in return. Not roses and hearts and a virtual tea setting but your truths for my truth.
So here (in this thread), I’ve struggled because although I want all of you to feel my genuine and deep gratitude, my love for you as people I know to be intelligent and wise and just fucking beautiful, I also worry that I am, as per usual, going to come across as overly aggressive in my positions on issues. I worry if being seen as hard or insistent will mean that my voice isn’t heard or that my words are dismissed, or that I am dismissed because of my words. I can’t know any of that, but I’ve grappled enough hours with myself to know that speaking my truth outweighs that worry. I’ve gotta come straight up or not at all. I owe it to all of you, and I owe it to myself. So, here we go: Quote:
*I hold you with kid gloves because you really aren’t like everyone else*. *Your self-determined heterosexuality is more special/different than a cis-sexed male’s and so I’m going to protect you.* I think this is a real slippery slope, and quite possibly a furtherance of the kind of invalidation they too often face. Does that make sense? And because, as I said earlier, I don’t want it done to me, I will not do it to ("queer by fucking") anyone else. Not a straight cis-sexed man, not a heterosexual transman, no one. I think doing so has the power only to erase and invalidate someone else’s identity and we’ve all fought too long and too damn hard for the right to claim ourselves than to be guilty of attempting to dismantle anyone else’s identity. No, a straight guy cannot “straighten” me out. The idea is laughable, but I cannot queer him. It’s an empty power. It fails to satisfy my desire for egalitarian gender relations. No matter how you slice that kind of power, it cannot come to equal parts. Quote:
I absolutely understand this, and I see how the strong need to be heard around it arises. I will not accept any masculine or other person usurping my power ever again. She or he may only take what I offer up to them on the altar of my own personal power exchange, but no more. I get how it can feel like yet another means of coloring us invisible when a partner impresses upon us her or his need that we be straight, look straight, act straight. (Funny that we’re alternately accused of these things, then how they are demanded of us by some.) I’ve watched femmes being told not to wear certain kinds of clothing and jewelry or you know, bird feather and tropical flower embellishments in their hair, because it screamed “I’m Here and I’m Queer Femme” which made a guy feel uncomfortable with the way he needed to be seen. I don’t have the answers to those tricky issues; they are for couples to grapple with themselves, but I do see how it can be invalidating to a femme who experiences invisibility. I also see how wearing queer visibly could potentially invalidate a transguy who no longer wishes to be read as queer. Therein the tricky wicket. I disagree, however, that this is always and necessarily about the concept of masculine-centrism. Trans(male) issues are tender and bitterly tough. There are some real similarities between our (femme and trans) invisibility such that I would never negate their experiences simply because they are masculine and masculine must always equal enemy. That isn’t my position and I hope no masculine person reading this thread has read me as believing such. Quote:
Since I’ve already opened the door, I want to speak to this. When we say to/about transmen that they are different than cis-men, that they “feel” different, even if our intentions are pure and good, we are very possibly negating and erasing Who They Are. And that is never good. To say “you are male to me” only throws an ugly light on what we want not to do, which is to set them apart. It suggests that there is really something else going on there, but you know, I’m cool, so I get them. June, you and Bit are two women that I fucking admire, respect and adore. I see how your voices are incredibly influential in this space. I speak to these issues with you here because it matters, and because I believe both of you are willing to listen and engage in ways that are more open than we’ve seen elsewhere. I believe we, as feminine people strongly need good allies, and that our allies need to understand that old language is no longer useful to us, that it no longer serves us in the ways we once allowed. I also believe that we have to be the best allies we can. That’s why, in this post, I’m speaking the same truth to transmasculine issues. Sometimes, it’s just too easy to miss this stuff, because, you know, it’s not *our* stuff. It’s not my intention to divert the thread, but it’s important to me that when we name the ways we choose to take back our power, or call for the ways in which we need support, we are careful not to create a dichotomy that wouldn’t work if flipped. I want a balance of power; I chose equanimity. I have to be willing to look at all of the ways that my own employment of power affects the world around me first. Okay, big breath. I’m ready for better and more true conversation. Even if it’s hard. Even if it hurts me a little. Especially if it learns me anything good. :) |
If I am out of line.. then please let me know..
Cause this has been on my mind since i started reading this thread. I want to talk about the femme experience. I want to talk about what it means to other femmes. Since I started reading this.. There is about five pages dedicated to talking about our partners. Is that all there is to us? Is all we are between our legs and who we partner with? Can Femme's not have a discussion without bringing butches, cis-guys, transmen into it? I have been reading the butch thread and guess what? we arn't the focus... Am I wrong? Am I just seeing this because it's something I have to fight against all the time.. Internally.. Once I am partnered, I fight against becoming a two headed monster.. With my partner's head being the biggest and most predominate.. If I am out of line, or having tunnel vision, please let me know... Right now I am in transition.. Trying to be more than Mother, more than Partner... And it's hard as fuck. For me.. I have an image of what femme is stuck in my mind.. and that is sure as hell not me.. Unlearning this programming is so very important... I'm not the donna reed, suzi homemaker, dress up doll that I see in my head.. I'm not some sweet submissive... I'm not a woman who's world revolves around her partner..But that's what is in my head... That is what I've allowed to be planted there.. If I am not that.. then I couldn't be femme, I'm not *enough* That is what I am trying to reprogram.. |
Cyn, we can talk about that image in your head---I struggled hard with it too, and I'm willing to bet all kinds of posters in this thread have dealt with it--but for right now I really need to answer Julie, because this goes to who she and I are, both as Femmes and as members of the community. Forgive me this post on it please?
Quote:
I am Queer. For me, that means I do not sleep with straight men. Would I make an exception for a Straight-Identified Transman if I fell in love with him? Yes. But it would BE an exception and he would HAVE TO accept me as a Queer both in my sexuality and in my community for us to have a healthy relationship. Most of the Straight-Identified Transmen I have known didn't want to do that. That's completely understandable; I tried to change who I was for a couple of them, I tried to force myself to be straight and it didn't work--so why should I expect them to try to not be straight? Queer-Identified Transmen, on the other hand, are my cuppa tea. Neither of us has to change, just as when I am with a Butch, neither of us has to change. We are both Queer together, and that is as it should be for my good mental health (and presumably for theirs too!). I am not Pansexual, but Transensual... I define that to mean that I am comfortable in all ways including sexually with Transgendered Butches (for example, the ones who are Third Gender, Two Spirit, or Gender Queer) and Queer Transsexual Men. About the kid leather gloves... There is an early stage of transition that is common to many Straight-Identified Transmen where they have an intense need to "Straighten" the Femme they are with because they need to see themselves as completely Straight. When that stage hits--I call it a stage because I've seen many Transmen come through it and relax considerably, afterwards--then a Femme cannot win for losing unless she is TRULY happy about sleeping with biomales, because nothing less will do to prove to the Transman that he is not "different." Well, hello. MY being Straight (or not) does not prove anything about someone else's identity. And straight up--no pun intended--a Transman IS different. I happen to like the difference; most of the Transmen that I have known deplored the difference. Given those opposing attitudes, supporting them can be fraught with difficulties, and the only way I have found effective in dealing with those difficulties is kid leather gloves. Does that mean I think Transmen are weak? Not no, HELL no. Transmen are some of the strongest beings on the planet. They just happen to bear really heavy burdens that call for extra consideration. They'd treat me with the same gentleness and consideration if I needed it. Many of them have over the years. Quote:
It is not possible for anyone to "make" someone else Queer. I think you must have missed my last post on it, where I said that I know I cannot make anyone else Queer, that it is already inside them--or not. June and I were talking about the stereotype that equates sexual power with men, and thereby with Butches---and refuses it to women and thereby Femmes. We were talking about the wall she slammed into when she claimed that sexual power even in a discussion, even as a stereotype. It is absolutely impossible to MAKE someone else be Queer. Or Straight. It's just not ever gonna happen. :stillheart:, Cath |
Quote:
|
Quote:
That I sometimes forget the box If I am a gift to myself--femme What is under the ribbons, the bows-- The carefully chosen wrapping-- Each piece of me someone else's Or are all the parts of those--me whole? I couldn't write that out in regular sentences and I apologize. It's how I communicate sometimes. I think....maybe...for me...that the different "roles" I've chosen ARE my femme experience. And that is not going to be yours or yours or yours or any of yours....same reality. Femme, for me, is this woman who dresses to please herself. Who feels her body is her own in thigh highs and diving shirts. In blue jeans and t-shirts that are stained and dirty. Femme, for me, is this woman who expresses things held to be "girly" with delight and no damned apologies. Femme, for me, is this woman who can create pictures from words and write about romance and sex unabashedly and unashamedly. My femme is not your femme and never will be. My femme may like to sit on the couch and ask for a foot rub. My femme may like to give foot rubs. My femme IS defined in some part by my attraction to butches. I can not get around that or away from it. I'd still be femme if there were no butches, but that's kind of a silly, grandiose statement in my view. I, after reading so much here, am beginning to feel frayed and frazzled as if my femme is not enough or maybe too much in the eyes of other femmes. And I know that's not true. I'm just speaking my own truth here and now. So I think that for this femme--my femme experience is the total sum of all my labels and roles and expressions and lovers and femme friends. I don't think I can effectively unravel this present I am to myself without losing some of the pieces. I do love that others can do this. I am learning so much in this thread. Thank you to everyone who has posted here. |
In this discussion, I'm still trying to untangle my identity as a woman from my identity as femme. I am a proud, fierce lesbian who reveres women of all orientations and types. I'm not talking about sexual attraction, only. I'm sexually attracted to butches, but, truthfully, there are women of all types who slay me. I remember that I had trouble reconciling my lesbianism with my own way of being. I'm now comfortable being feminine both in appearance and in my inner view. But, there was a time when I had trouble accepting this, as a lesbian. FEMME is where being a feminine woman and being a lesbian intersect, for me. Realizing and embracing my attraction to butches was a completely separate process from recognizing that "femme" was an aspect of my identity.
I hope this makes sense. I'm trying to articulate something that I am just figuring out here. |
Yikes! *hands the TX Self a bottle of Fray-Chek* :cheesy:
If I have played a part in the frazzled fraying, I'm sorry. I'm pretty analytical with things which fascinate me, and I can separate out intellectually those things which are not separate in life.... I can say here in this thread that for me "Queer is about sex and Femme is about gender," and I can talk about them as if they were separate things; but having lived without enough Butch energy in my life for many years, I know that I am different as a Femme depending on whether there are Butches around or not, and different yet again if there is sex in my life or not.... so even though I can talk as if they were separate, I can't compartmentalize them (sexuality and gender) quite so easily in life. Nor do I want to. Part of the sexual thrill for me is being a Femme to a Butch. I like that. I like playing with that image and those roles. Those images that haunt Ms. Cyn, especially the Donna Reed image, they haunt me too. I can never be Donna Reed, because yanno she was perfect, elegant, glamorous, never made a mistake, never put a foot wrong. Hell, I'm never in my life going to be glamorous or elegant or any of the rest of it. I think what strikes me is that these images of femininity (Donna Reed, suzi homemaker, dress-up doll, sweet submissive) are tied to housework and obedience-to-the-men-who-own-one. Honestly, it makes me think of a slave--not in the BDSM sense, but in the real-life outrage-against-humanity forced sense. If the epitome of all that is feminine is household slavery, how could ANYONE who is mentally healthy ever be "feminine enough" or "Femme enough"?? I had to find a different way to look at femininity and Femmeness. That's why I like the energy analogy. It isn't what I do or what particular personality I have or even whether or not someone masculine might "own" me--it's what kind of energy flows through me. I recognize that energy as Femme because I see it mirrored back to me again and again from the other Femmes in our community. The amount and kind of Femme energy that flows through me might not be what appeals to every Butch, but it is "enough." I am Femme enough to suit myself... and really, who else has the right to judge? |
Quote:
|
I have found this thread extremely enlightening to read. Admittedly I sometimes actually feel like a peeping Tom - should I even be reading this since it is, and should be, femme space. However, I can and do grow from all of your voices, so I'm guessing that reading is not intruding. My perspective is that because this is femme space I need to remain an observer. Of course, even by just posting this I am putting myself into it, but I guess I just wanted to share that I think non-femmes can gain much from reading this but our input should be limited. I hope this post does not feel intrusive.
|
Do the terms "high" and "low" femme add to this feeling of not being "femme enough?" They've always felt like a ranking system to me.
|
Quote:
It does feel like a ranking system to me. I have never understood it... To me, I see "high femme" and I wonder what that person might be smoking! Is that like, "high as gas" or "high as Jesus"?? Its funny that I have never seen "low femme"... |
Quote:
I think this might apply to any femme shorter than 5'0". But.... I could be wrong. |
Quote:
LMAO!!! I thought that was any femme other than me... I usually tower over everyone... no matter the ID... |
Quote:
And what does high maintenance vs. low maintenance really mean? I am not a car for god sake! Though I do prefer rich dark roast coffee rather than maxwell house. Get's my engine purring! Julie |
Quote:
i am so overly done with the term *high* femme as if there's some HIGHerarcy of femme--if that's the case, where are all the HIGH butches? i recall this sort-of date i had, years ago with this not-extremely well put together (which i don't mind, but bare with me, i have a point), nor educated in the ways of "how you conduct yourself on a dinner with me" type-butch. it was summer, i was wearing a teal blouse, black capris and cute sandals (hello! date-appropriate femme-wear! duh!) well this misguided and khaki-shorts-wearing butch sat across from me at this *pizzeria* and began to compare *femme* --his preference for *high* femme (while i denounce the term) and what it means to be *high femme* and it all basically came down to the heels and stockings that this *other* lady-femme-person apparently *lived* in evening wear 24/7. really? to the grocery store? that's just stupid. i repeat, it's stupid to wear evening wear to the grocery store and it does NOT make you HIGH anything. i mean what the holy fuck--well, next he informed me that i'm not a *natural* submissive--which, enthralled me, because (tongue-in-cheek, here) i am sure, like all of my good sister femmes, i too love being told "about me" by someone i don't know/didn't ask (and who i have zero intention of submitting to/for because frankly, it takes something a little more than a daddy 'title' to get me there. see: :tiger: ) ok, and if i sound rude, NONE of these people are on this website and i have no ill will towards this person--really, he just was/is misguided in his attempt to define *femme* to me (and not expect that i'll take the opportunity to fuck with him). and the topper: when all is said and done, i am not being a HIGH or GOOD femme because i am extremely disagreeable. and frankly, i can be disagreeable a LOT of the time--it doesn't take from or add to my GENDER. /end rant. and i blame my sister-femme, blush for getting me all riled on a sunday. |
Quote:
I've never ever thought of it as a ranking or rating at all. I just see it as a qualifier of how much fussin' someone likes to do over their personal appearance. But honestly, the only time I feel like there is a competition, for me, is how "girly" one can be. And it's a problem in my world to be seen as "not" girly enough. That's more of a rating/ranking in my world than make-up and clothing (which is my sole identifier for high vs low femme.) It's the simpering and giggling that get me because I don't personally get it. And, grin, I'm gonna say it outloud. It's the whole Daddy/girl thing played out in public. DO NOT GET IT AT ALL. I get it as a personal, behind bedroom doors thing. I do not get it as a public play thing. And that's my hang up and it's my issue to deal with. I do not think others should modify their behaviour. But that is what can also make me feel "not enough" because I am simply not willing to call someone "Daddy" and giggle and coo. I rambled again. :) Blush, for what it's worth, you are one of the ones who can make me worry about my own femmeness. And it's not makeup or clothes or any of that. It is simply your own sweet self and your energy. I sometimes feel like a linebacker around women who are petite. Grin. So there you have it. On my list of femmes who scare me....Blush and Puplove too. :D OH and femmes like Pinkielee who has the most amazing fashion sense. Shari goes in that category too as well as Adele. So that's MY issue. It's my problem that I compare myself to others and sometimes find myself wanting. That's not a butch issue. No butch is standing in the background saying, "Why can't you be more like MedusaIsadoraGemmeAnyoneOtherThanYou." That's my own low self-esteem sneaking up on me. And I am on a hunt to destroy that voice. But this thread is really helping me identify what I trigger it with. :badger:ooh Badger. So, again, high vs low? Not so much. Arwen vs other femmes? Hideous ranking system where I used to always lose. I'm learning though. I am learning. |
Quote:
Now THAT ranking annoys me. I wasn't even considering it coming from a Butch. That one needed an attitude adjustment and I hope you gave him one. That kind of ranking is about someone else needing to be seen by who is on their arm. That's a shallowness none of us need in our lives. And I'm glad you learned that about that :crap: before you actually developed any relationship with him. |
Quote:
yes, well you can only try to educate so much... i don't think a word of what i was saying got through at all. and honestly, sometimes i'll participate in a situation longer than is necessary because i'm fascinated by what someone is saying/doing--and not the good fascinated, more like morbid curiosity. this was definitely one of those times. and well, i had to share--that was a real life *example* of what "high femme" means to some--and i am sadly of the thinking that he isn't the only one that thinks like that. (that's what really bothers me.) |
Quote:
I have to wonder if that isn't a case of media socialization or if that was what his mom was like. :bicycle:may have helped but you are right...some people don't want to learn. And that's probably okay. Those that want an Angelina Jolie body with a Donna Reed personality and Paula Deen in the kitchen are going to be searching a long damned time. I kind of feel sorry for the emptiness in them that will never ever get filled. And those femmes who are constantly trying to cram themselves into that picture frame... how do they do it? |
i just don't think it's real. and i'm about calling out the shit when i see it.
and i can totally understand someone with an overly developed sense of fashion (hello, i worked in womens' retail for years!) wanting another person with *also* an overly developed sense of fashion.... but you (in my world) don't get to dress like a schlub (EZ's word) and talk to me about stockings, heels and pencil skirts (not that he'd know what a pencil skirt was). that sooooo doesn't work for me. i am the type of person to point that all out (when my more subtle methods haven't worked, of course). |
Mm. Well.
I thought "high" and "low" femme were merely reflective of altered and mood states. |
I scare the Arwen? I am pretty sure my perception is not skewed about you Arwen. You are the epitome of Strong/Hot/Femme to me. You don't take shit, you speak your mind and you do it all while looking gorgeous. Jeans and a t-shirt look as alluring on you as a ball gown. You shine from the inside out.
Remember Vegas Arwen? You danced the entire night at the Ball and I sat in a chair with nobody willing to approach me, talk to me, or ask me to dance. You came over twitterpated and told me you felt like the Bell of the Ball. It was transformative for you. I told you that i felt i-n-v-i-s-i-b-l-e. You were shocked. I was not. I am used to it. I don't make effort to "perform" Femme. I really am just me all of the time. My world view doesn't measure girliness in others, but rather cerebral stimulation, kindness, empathy, and heart. All of which you carry very well. I'm not high. I'm not low. I don't see others as high or low in any kind of rating system or higherarchy (thanks ap). I may or may not be confuzzled on how I could possibly scare you. Pet my head please. |
I so want to borrow your mirror to look at myself in. I do remember dancing that night away and feeling like a Belle of the Ball. It was transformative to me (And that cute Katanaboi helped, lol).
When you and I went shopping...I felt like this ignoramus. I had no clue what Sephora was. I was so sure you would see through me and realize I was just a pretend femme. : pats your pretty head: I love you and have learned a lot from you about being myself and not worrying about what others think I should be. You are, whether you like it or not, one of my role models. :):dance1: When I think of you (no I don't touch my elf), I think of what perserverance and self-honesty look like. I think of a beautiful woman who conquers adversity on a daily basis. I think of someone I want to be more like. Quote:
|
Ha. The Sephora trip must have slipped into on of the holes in my Swiss Cheese Brain.
I think a *pretend femme* is a mythical creature. There is no blueprint to Femme. I have NEVER in my life thought "Hmmm. Is she a *real femme*?". Rather, I love the diversity that envelopes Femme. I'm not saying this to negate your experience Arwen. Rather as a reminder that we are all evolving creatures unique in our own right. The bracelet said it well. :rrose: |
The exchange between you two is lovely. Lovely in itself, lovely because it just goes to show that femme - just femme - really is enough.
High femme, low femme, sporty femme, remotecontrolhuggerfemme, it honestly doesn't matter, what matters is the 'F' word because it's that word, that essence, that unites us and that sets us apart from others. Words |
Right now I am wishing for a few close femme friends that live near me.
Thank goodness for butchfemmeplanet! ~cara |
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Yeah, interestingly, I've "been told" that I'm high femme or low femme, depending on the butch. I've even argued the point, insisting I'm simply femme. That point was argued based on THEIR interpretation of me. Can you IMAGINE the brewhaha that would ensue if femmes started telling butches/transguys who they "really" are? Quote:
|
High femme has confused me. I do know a high femme in real time. I was told by a butch that I was not a high femme and that she only likes high femmes and when I asked what that was or how do you know or something like that I was told well you just know and trust me you are not one.
I have no problem with someone who identifies that way. I don't think it is in any way a hierarchy coming from the femme. At least I have not experienced it that way It seems it is some kind of ranking from the butches. And then I internalize and compare and I somehow make myself come up lacking. So I guess what I am trying to say is that I am responsible for that. Happy Hannukah and Chag Sameach to any Jewish femmes here. I love this cute emoticon here! :2driedel: Usually it is always Christmas stuff. |
I have seen Femmes self-identify as Low Femme. It's been several years and maybe they might identify differently now, but at the time, they were saying things like, "I am the opposite of a High Femme; I wear comfortable shoes, jeans, no makeup," to explain the difference.
I've never known a different term for High Femme, but since it's a description of a "glamor girl" type Femme, I usually just say glamor girl. It has been presented as a hierarchy for a long time and that's a major reason I have had trouble with the idea of being "Femme enough." When I was still fairly new in the community at the Dash site, there were multiple serious threads which proclaimed that one had to be a glamor girl in order to be successful at being Femme. That was before those of us who say "Femme is what we are, not what we wear" outnumbered those who said "Femme is what we wear and what we do." I think our community has evolved a LOT over the past seven years, and our gender discussions have brought us all much farther along than we might ordinarily notice, without a conversation like this to jog our memories. There was a time that talking about the hierarchy between High and Low Femmes would merely have gotten a "yes, that's the way it should be" answer. I'm glad it doesn't happen like that anymore; I'm glad we're questioning the stereotypes. I'm sorry that julieisafemme, blush, and apretty have run into such clueless Butches! Sheesh. Well... I suppose I have too, but on the other side of things, Butches who were unhappy that I chose to wear makeup or that I had long hair.... as if those choices were about BUTCHES? Hello, MY face, MY hair, MY gender expression, MY choice. |
It's true, I've been told that I'm not a femme by someone (happened to be FtM) from the match site. I think the reason was that I expressed to him that I appreciate all women, not just butch women. Even though butch women are my preference for romantic or sexual partners.
But, whatever. It bugged me because I thought he was a jerk to offer his opinion. I was amazed (naively) that someone who had defied stereotypes, as he had, would be so quick to label and judge me. It didn't affect how I felt about myself, though. I can have low self-esteem without any help from anyone! :hanging: |
Quote:
Lynn, I feell ya... I had this butch once, tell me I was more butch than he, that my lack of skirts and lack of giggles made me as such.. My favorite I often get is, a good femme keeps quiet and is not so blunt.. I snap, I wanna grab that person by the throat and choke them... Right now I wanna scoop someone's eyes out with a lemon baller because the equate femme to *straight looking* OY VEY:overreaction: |
I was once told by a Butch that they found the reading of my poetry at an event for another site "distasteful" because of my usage of the words "fuck" and "pussy". They found it "unladylike".
After I got through laughing, I asked the person what they thought of the act that was currently on stage, which happened to be a Butch doing a drag routine. The Butch on stage happened to be grinding their crotch on a person sitting in a chair at the time. After the person said they "didnt see a problem with what the Butch was doing on stage because it was just 'the nature of a Butch'", I retorted something to the effect of "well pardon the fuck out of my unladylike self but I gotta piss" Sure, I could have responded better but sometimes the misogyny in our community is overwhelming. |
Quote:
Honestly? Not for me. High femme, to me, is ultra-sophisticated. She is the NYC kind of woman who is always put together. Girly is different. Girly, again for me, is a bit...a bit Donna Reed, maybe? Poor Donna Reed...all she ever did was play a part. Quote:
Heck honey, I know I'm amazing on my good days. But there are many days still when I fight that battle. And I think, smile, I think it's okay to patronize me in that way. Hee. But seriously, I think sometimes I DO have a victim/poor-me that whines and wants to know that I'm liked. I've been doing some work on that voice of myself. It's not an authentic voice for me. I don't want to be rescued and when I put that energy out there, that's what happens. :toothache: So thank you. |
Quote:
On the flip side of the high femme, I've also heard a lot of shit from femmes and trans/butches about high femmes. That they are stupid, "too much work," ALWAYS submissive, ALWAYS stone, and on and on... |
I've been told my entire life to "act like a lady." When I was younger and playing rugby, an older male told me getting hurt was what I got for trying to play a man's sport. I was too shocked to retort by saying that I didn't get hurt playing rugby but that it was actually an injury from playing volleyball at the company picnic. *eyeroll* I've heard this mysoginistic stuff from my dad, from men trying to pick me up, from butches and even people in the leather community. I've heard it so much that, like Arwen, I have to fight that internal processing so hard ever day. It has been a struggle to figure out who I am and find my own voice. What I want is to be seen, heard, understood and accepted as a person not a gender or gender stereotype. I agree with Bit that our community has evolved a lot over the past several years. I am curious to see what it will look like in another 7 years.
~cara |
Quote:
Whatever. I am who I feel inside. At times I feel fiercely femme, other times, I don't. I am just me exploring and playing out the many facets of who I am. I have been called unladylike but I have also been called high femme. I have had so many "labels" throughout my life - truthfully, I don't care how others perceive me anymore. All I concern myself with is being true to who I am and living each day in the world I define - not how others define it for me. And for the record - I have never heard of "low femme" as a descriptor. |
Can you tell we are hitting one of my last nerves.... LOL
I have always had issues with the "high" femme tag. I have always identified as femme. I wear make up almost all the time, don't own a pair of jeans (and I don't think have since high school almost 40 years ago) and wear heels 90% of the time. TO assume I am uncomfortable in them makes me so tired. I have been hearing to "Why don't you wear tennis shoes and slacks and be comfortable?" for 30 years. I am comfortable in heels and flats. I am comfortable in skirts and dresses. Slacks bind me and I hate them. To use this as a way to describe a certain type of femme is just silly.
I never assume a femme who is more comfortable in slacks and jeans is less femme. Cheezus. At least when I came out in the 60's and 70's there was not this on-going linear discussion of femme based on how you looked. I was raised by two stylish women: my mother and grandmother who did not leave the house with out powder on the nose and a hand bag that matched their shoes. What the hell does that have to with my femme gender? I had a gay man say to me the other day, "I have not quiet figured you out. You are so femme on the outside and....so ummm butch on the inside." My reply was "No, honey, that is called being a in control of my self and in my world I am femme inside and out. It is growing up the oldest of nine children with a mentally ill mother and having to take (and I mean take) control." I am, mostly, an in control femme. Inside and out. It doesn't make me a high or low or medium femme it makes me competent and a wee bit bossy. Hahahaha! |
| All times are GMT -6. The time now is 01:33 AM. |
ButchFemmePlanet.com
All information copyright of BFP 2018