stripping my bed.....and by doing so.....knowing I was eliminating all physical trace of my lil Cricket from the bed we shared....

Paying the plumber for unstopping my tub,It took him all of 20 minute's then cost me near $150.00 bucks.I know it could have been worse, but dam.

Remembering others have many more hardships than I.

waking up...

Which time? I hate hormones

seeing and petting a dog very similar to my late Cricket....and then she did something that Cricket always used to do....I had to excuse myself abruptly and have a good cry in my car...it was bad enough I had just come from putting flowers on her grave.... :(

My therapy session today...caught me a bit off-guard, but I think I feel better now so yay!

My partner's dream of studying sea turtles will be a reality next May -- I'm so excited & proud of them!!!

Yes guys cry

The immense pain in my hand was one reason..

The look on my sisters face as the tome past and my niece still isn't home and I was unable to comfort my sister. I guarantee that my niece herd her uncle explain 18 or not you respect your mother enough to call way before you walk in the door at 130am

Seeing pictures of my mother physically wasting away. She has Hep C from blood transfusions in the late 80's and its starting to show physically. It's emotionally devastating to see a highly educated and beautiful person who could do so much for the world, wasting away like that. I've been crying on and off all day, I just want to save her.

frustration.....and loss.....

Being overwhelmed with emotions. Our dog is sick. She vomited everywhere last night and I'm so worried about her....I have our car to clean out and due to an unfortunate turn of events, there's food for 100+ spilled all over the car. Feeling helpless and stressed and just wanting to run away with my partner and live in the woods...

As I left my diagnostic mammogram with yet again more bad news (another needle biopsy in two weeks), the insensitive workers at the front desk sing songed "Have a nice day!" I went into the restroom and broke down.
But how fortunate I am to have my wonderful Alix, who talked to me for a long time and comforted me.:love1:

Last Wednesday night very late, I googled pit bull kill shelters. I have been considering getting another 4 legged companion for Kevie and I. A little lite weight mixed bully girl. I thought I should rescue one from a kill shelter. Well, these heartbreaking images came to my screen, one in particular, an enormous mound of dead bully types inside a kill shelter. That photo is and will forever haunt me. Next day at work, on into the morning, I went searching for my little girl bully ... ended up at NY high kill shelters. There are 3 there. Now I have fallen in love with these dogs. I know their names, which of the 3 places they are located, their antics, I watch videos of these precious babies. I have memorized their ID numbers. I am not sleeping much, up checking to see who made it through their "date to destroy." I've been sitting at work, looking at their status. When I see the word GONE beside one's name, hot burning water falls out of my face and throat feels like it is choking to death on a softball because they did not make it past their destroy date. Not just today, but every day beginning last Thursday. Most of these dogs are less than a year old up to about 2 or 3 years.

I must figure out a way to get a handle on this and a stronger hold on myself. I have been crazy about dogs since I could crawl. I have photos of me still in a diaper sitting in a puppy pile of my grandfather's collie pups - so happy!

Dogs rock and they are the greatest ever. (in my book, anyway) They will never belittle you, betray you, slight you or play games with your head. And will always love you, be happy to see you. That is right.

Dealing with PCOS while I already don't feel good. Back hurts, sides hurt, couldn't even finish shopping today. Just stresses me out, causing me to be upset and cry cause I hate feeling like I can't do everything all the time.

missing my girls....

missing my lil Cricket...

I really wish they were here with me...all of them....

My daughter left today for Illinois to help care for her Father, and i am so proud of her for putting her life on hold to help out.

I got a little teary eyed when she took off.

This is from a couple days ago...being able to apologize to my first partner for the way I treated our friendship after our breakup, and having her graciously and lovingly accept my apology.

*waterworks*

my wonderful older, grown up daughter calls me to tell me that a close friend of mine and the family (my partner and I started the adoption process from China with them) died suddenly today.

I am in shock and crying but I hold in my heart my daughter calling and saying "I don't know how to break this to you easily" she told me and she said that there never is an easy way to take this in. She made sure that we were all going to go to the family. She reached out to her friend right away. I admire her strength and her ability to not shy away from the hard things in life. Maybe I did something right. My children are beautiful, caring kind people and citizens of this world.

Second degree burns across the fingers and part of my palm on my right hand. Blisters formed almost immediately. Trip to ER... Just got home..... geezus.....

Pain is unpleasant. But tolerable .. gotta love pain killers and modern medicine. (f)(f)(f)

Please send chocolate ....

Finding out one of my cousin's baby twins died from SIDS. I just held him 2 weeks ago...

What made me scream and cry...
I just fell up the brick porch steps rammed both legs into brick just below knee. Had caught toes on bottom step where rain recently washed dirt away. Am waiting on roommate to get home. May have broke left leg.
So much for plans to grill my rainbow trout tonight.Dammit.

I'm not crying now but I am worried and scared. Ice is helping some with swelling but not pain.

I was coming into the house from the garage and paying attention to the dogs so that they didn't get out. Well, when I slammed the door shut behind me, my left ring finger got smashed! Talk about painful. I had a good cry, put some ice on it and got over it but hell.. it hurt! Still does... aside from the blood collection under my nail, I think I'll live.

yesterday...

the unfairness of the aging process....

secrets

tired of holding onto them

scared to letting them go

one way of feeling in control is in not moving forward

there is a temporary comfort in that

Remembrance
 

I don't cry..... :bigcry: (Yeah...right)

I don't remember the last time I cried. Was a while ago.

Being all alone in this cold cold world...

I needed a Christmas card for my Mom, so off to Target I go. I went to the card aisle and a card caught my eye. All I saw was Mom. As I pulled it up out of the slot, the words...and Dad, appear. I totally lost it. This is the first year, my Dad is not included in my card I send. As I stood there with, big tears coming down, I frantically looked for the , just Mother section. Of course, next to it was to Dad from daughter. I stood there and had a moment.

I really hate the fact my Mom has to be alone on Christmas. She has great friends that will see to it she won't be. I'll take comfort in that.