7 Rules for Building Safer/Saner Online Communities
 

Hello All,
I wanted to take a few minutes to post some information that I think is helpful for folks not only on this website but the internet in general.

The internet is a big place. It is often a place where people who don't get the kind of social interaction they desire go to find others with similar interests/backgrounds/likes. While most people just want to have fun or meet someone new, there are people out there who have zero qualms about hurting other people, telling lies, scamming money, or playing chess with people because they don't have anything positive going on in their own lives.

Below is a list of things to keep in mind when traversing the online world:

1. Financial Con Artists - Never EVER give money to someone on the internet unless you are prepared to never see it again, find out they spent it on their girlfriend, or aren't really dying of brain cancer.
People lie, especially when it comes to money. That sweet little thing you have been talking to who says they only need $75 for their light bill could very well be a married man who is just really good at schmoozing.
Giving your money to someone on the internet whom you have either never met or have very little information about is the same as setting it on fire in your driveway.

2. Love Con Artists -
There are some folks out there who will jerk your heart around, want to marry you after having never met you, or profess their undying devotion to you after seeing one picture. This behavior should raise a red flag for you. If someone is moving fast to call you their girlfriend/boyfriend, talking about marriage after 1 date, or trying to move in with you after a phone call, you should stop and ask yourself if they are running toward you or away from something.
Love can feel real good at first. It can make you believe that the fairy tales exist, and they do!, but slowing things down, meeting the person, and taking the time to get to know them never hurt anyone. It may actually prevent you from getting your heart broken and your wallet drained.

3. Gossip is Sometimes not Just Gossip -
If you have heard from 9 different people who are not connected to one another that "Bill" is a con artist, thief, liar, and really doesn't have a mansion in Beverly Hills, then it's probably safe to assume that 9 different, unconnected people didn't get together one day and decide to put a target on someone's back without reason. Sure, gossip is dangerous and ugly but if you hear the same thing from multiple sources? There might be a reason for you to consider the possibility that there might be something going on.

4. Safety Is as Safety Does -
We here at the Planet want to make sure that everyone has a good experience on this site and will do whatever we can to make that happen but you have to take responsibility for your personal safety.
You have to maintain your own safety by not giving strangers on the internet your personal information, money, or even time if you don't know them that well. We can make general rules for what happens in this space but you have to also help yourself by maintaining healthy boundaries. Protect yourself.

5. What You "Know" is Sometimes NOT What You "KNOW" -
Please consider that just because you "heard" that "Jane" is the President of Sony records and a great girl doesn't make it true. Investigate things for yourself. Don't take someone's word, even a friend, if you have the slightest doubt about what someone is telling you. Sociopaths will often come across as very seductive, convincing, and magnetic and can often provide "proof" of what they tell you is true about themselves.
Remember, College "degrees" can be purchased online for about $5 if someone is claiming to be a Nuclear Engineer.

6. Keep it Sane, Silly -
If someone is constantly in crisis, constantly at the center of drama, or always talking about how people are "setting them up", you might want to ask yourself how much time you want to devote to what could be a pretty draining situation. Normal people with normal lives who are functioning on a sane level do not have continuous drama. They also are able to maintain their finances, hold a job, and probably have friends who are longer term than a few months. Ask yourself "Does that sound reasonable?" if someone makes wild claims or tells grandiose stories.

7. Ask for Help -
If you get in a situation where someone is harrassing you, making threats, or generally fucking with you, ask for help either by notifying me or a Moderator. Beyond this site, if you feel that someone is harrassing you notify the proper authorities, their Internet Service Provider, etc.
Lean on your friends and the people who love you as well.


These rules/tips aren't meant to scare or frustrate anyone, just some simple reminders for people making connections in cyberspace.

I have personally made some very dear, long-term friends out in cyberspace - people who have been to my home and who have access to my personal life. I have also been on the receiving end of unwanted attention, con artists who wasted my time and energy with their bullshit drama, and people who have poor social skills trying to spread their damage into the universe.

I choose to believe that most people have good intentions but guard my personal space well against people that I don't know. It might take a little longer to make friends but you can bet your ass that they will be quality friends at the end of the "honeymoon phase". :)

Feel free to discuss or add to this list. Please do NOT use this thread to make swipes at other people or post passive-aggressive shit at someone you are having issues with...cause that makes me real cranky.

Here's to safer and saner community!

<-- not the President of Sony records.








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Spring = Twitterpated
 

One of the things that I fell for (an old site, member not part of this site) was to think that someone was "safe" to loan money to in their crisis because they were a frequent poster for years. I felt that the person was so entrenched in the community that they wouldn't disappear. I'd also been "friends" with the individual for years, despite never meeting. After wiring a large sum of money upon the person's desperate request, the person DID disappear and never paid me back or contacted me again. I think that some people groom others with the eventual plan to use them. It's easy to feel comfortable with people who we see every day on the site, to want to quickly jump in and help someone who claims to be on the edge of something terrible happening and is asking for money. I realize now that it's never good to get too comfortable.

I think also that trusting one's instinct is so important. In the situation I described, I used my own money but made the conscious decision not to check in with BB about it first. And that was strange because I check in with BB on everything. A part of me knew that BB would tell me it was a bad idea, and I didn't want to hear it because I wanted to save my "friend" from being kicked out onto the street at Christmas. Of course, I had been assured that a new job was to start right away after the holiday and that I'd be paid back by the end of January (This was over 3 years ago.). After wiring the money, I did tell BB who responded very matter-of-fact, "You'll never get your money back." BB then noted to me how hinky it was that the person was instructing me where to go to wire money and when I said it was too late, that person let me know what time the place closed and that I did have time and that it must be done right at that moment! What I learned from this is to trust that tiny feeling of doubt that nags at the back of one's head, instead of pushing it away. At the very least check with your partner or someone trusted to get their thoughts.

<--- putting my hand in the air as one who has been completely and totally deceived and suckered in by an online con artist.

Thank you June....and also to you Jennifer for sharing your story. I spent several years all caught up in the drama of someone who turned out to be a pathological liar (and, no....not on this site). I cringe at how many hours I spent talking, listening, worrying....I sent gifts (not hugely expensive, but still)...and then, when we finally did meet in person, bought into the excuses about why I drove for 4 hours each way, when they could only sit and talk for an hour or 2.

Yes, we all have trouble in our lives at times or issues we're working through, but constant drama or stories that sound on the verge of unbelievable are a huge red flag. And, I believe, that most of these people are damn good at spotting the "soft touch" who will feel compelled to help. If someone is reaching out to you....and avoiding the more level-headed or "hard nosed" folks...there's probably a reason.

Don't be afraid to stalk, to ask others, and to doubt. It doesn't make you a bad person...it means you're acting sensibly.

I believe that you can make friends, have community...even meet a wonderful partner online....but I'd say go slow...and pay attention.

Raising my hand too. Same story. Someone who I had seen posting for years. Someone everyone seemed to like. I had never talked to ANYONE individually for the 10+ years I was on that site until her. Large sum of money. She didn't disappear, but I didn't tell anyone, either. Anyone. Just in case her reasons for not being able to pay me back were true...you know, I didn't want to ruin her rep! :rolleyes: I guess I believed the reasons she couldn't pay it back "just then" too b/c she wasn't the one who wanted to end the online romantic connection. However, even though I was the one that ended the connection, I have a very strong suspicion she wouldn't have paid me back, anyway. (It is not like she still doesn't have my snail mail address!).

Sure wish someone would have said something who noticed our connection. No way in hell I was the first person she did this to. Not that this was anyone's job, of course, but it would have saved me a HECK of a lot of heartache (on many fronts).

I was embarrassed about it. I am not anymore.

I don't want any of y'all's money. :) or your secrets. or your girlfriends or boifriends or boyfriends.

Book collections...well :P

Maybe we should be called "the site of ex-suckers!"

I have never sent money to anyone that I knew only online although I have come very, very, very close several times. I have also invested huge amounts of time and energy into relationships (of the friendship kind) with people who have turned out to be less than truthful. Oh, and I've fallen madly in love with two people who turned out to be completely batshit crazy.

I've been online for a really long time, since the days of local BB's and Usenet, and I can't count the number of really amazing people that I've met along the way. I also can't count the number of not so great people that I've met.

Probably the most important thing that I've learned through the years is to do as much as you can to verify that the person you are about to send money to, fly across the country to meet for the first time, give your home phone number or address or place of employment, etc. is who they say they are before you do any of those things. Yes, it can be uncomfortable to talk about. Yes, it can appear as "untrusting". Yes, it can be a mood killer. But the only time I've ever had someone balk was when they had something to hide.

I am someone who wants to see the good in people. I don't want to be guarded and suspicious. I've met some great people from online, but all the lies and lies of omission are quite staggering. I trust very few people these days.

i also trusted someone who i met online and eventually in person to be what she presented herself as. It was a huge mistake. It was not romantic, but it became potentially dangerous for me. She is unstable. i honestly feel that i am dealing with some PTSD as a result of that connection. It was harrowing.

On the other hand, i met one of my best friends on the other site. She is a light in my life. i would trade all of the bad stuff for her any day. She and i chatted a little in threads and then met at a butch-femme gathering in Detroit and took the friendship into real time from there. i can't tell you the difference that that friendship has made to me. She's the best.

I have met some great people as well. Unfortunately, others are quite unstable and lack boundaries. Yes, lies of omission are staggering! But, I certainly don't see this as specific to B-F sites. Although, I am much more guarded now with befriending people from the site after suffering a couple of traumatic events.

I applaud the admin for drawing attention to safety factors that we all need to pay attention to when relating via the net. Sad, but true.

I agree completly that it's not just BF sites! There are nutsy people everywhere you look in life, so why not online too? If anything, I think it's easier for them to be convincing online as they have this wonderful screen to hide behind.

I've been fooled. And, I've learned! I've sent money, and I've opened up my home to people who were "about to be kicked out"...who were still here two years later. I blame them and I blame myself. (And we took the "Home for Wayward Lesbians" sign down..that seemed to help!) ;)

I second the voices that say to look into someone before doing anything like sending money/going to see them. Years ago in my most favorite chatroom, we had a bio male who for YEARS convinced us all he was a bio-lesbian-female. It was an LGBT room. There were men galore..but he was straight..and pitiful. The explosions when someone finally decided it was hooky that he was never available to meet up when someone was in his neck of the woods...whew! And it left quite the impression on me...I learned how easy it is for someone to pretend to be something they are not!

I'm thankful that not all the lessons I've learned about people have come at my own expense, and grateful that I tend to be a fast learner!!

Thanks for the thread..and the reminders!! :)

Lis <~~~~Who can provide BFP references ;) *G*

Great Information!
 

Just try prying a dime outta me. You won't get far.

I'm extremely cautious by nature (Capricorn), but I've given my heart away a time or two - and that was a harder lesson.

Heart

I have never sent money to anyone I met on line, but have given it in person and never expected it back...I try never to lend money I can't afford to lose...and the financial mistakes I have made have been in person (but no less painful).

What got me was when two different times, 2 different people made up personas to talk to me. :| It really creeped me out and I struggled with my stupidity for quite some time. I might not have fallen for it if a real time friend had not "vouched" for the person. Yes, there are con-artists and soul suckers out there. Be careful!.

I am so glad to see people speaking out. I wish someone had all those years ago when I was naive and oh so vulnerable.

I completely agree about exes, and I think it is important to remember that just because I might not have gotten along with someone, they might be perfectly suited for someone else and it can seem (be) petty to dis our exes to new potential partners, even if we might have concerns. I like the idea of letting the mods know, and stepping back.

I am very happy to see that steps have been taken to cut back on the multiple screen names. This scenario has not only happened to me, but to several of my friends, and few things suck as much as telling a buddy that his/her new love does not even exist. I know its a lot more work for you guys, but I so appreciate the extra effort to keep us safe mentally and physically.

I know there are those of us who would never get sucked into a con and who think everyone should take care of themselves....but it is easier than one might think to get sucked in. People can keep up lies for YEARS.

Please know your efforts are appreciated.

June speaks the truth!

We did lock down our membership registration for the time being (and probably permanently) because we had a couple of banned members who think they are clever by pretending to be other people, creating fake personas so they can further victimize people on this site, etc.
And I'm not having it. :)

I will not, however, build a giant wall around this website so that it is so cumbersome for new people to join that it's a turnoff just because a few fucked-up individuals have nothing better to do with their lives than troll and create drama. I think it's important to maintain a welcome space with room for us to "check ID's at the door" in the way of verifying IP addresses, locations, and whether or not someone is trying to use a proxy service.
We owe that to ourselves and to this space and even though it takes us a little extra time to check each person, it's worth it.

I will expound on what June talked about with information about people who are abusive/scammers/con artists, etc.

YES, we want to know. NO, we can't always do something about it.

If you have personal experience with someone being physically abusive, stealing money, using drugs, killing kitties, selling their children, etc., we would appreciate it if you would let us know about it either by pm'ing myself or any of the Moderators or dropping me an email.

We may not always be able to *do* something about that person but, as June said, it helps us see a bigger picture, especially if multiple people come to us and say, "So and So said they were going to set my house on fire."

We have a private forum for the Moderators where we discuss every issue on ths site. We share information about themes in the forums, people who are having a hard time, or people who have made threats so that we are all in the loop about what is going on. Sometimes we might say to one another, "Hey, so and so's Father just passed away so they might be feeling sad" or "Jim and Bob just broke up so we might need to watch their posts in case they dig at one another."

This is often how we catch things before they are even reported; because we are all very connected to these forums and the people in them.

I also want to stress that as much as we listen to people telling us that someone is abusive, a crook, etc., we also pay attention to the people who are making accusations.
If "Bertha Mae" says that someone was abusive to them every single time she gets out of a relationship, we are going to notice that.
If "Elvis Aaron" says he has a terminal illness and has 3 months to live but is still around 6 years later, we are going to notice that.
If "June" suddenly starts posting photos of naked women and calling people "cuntbuckets", we are going to think she has either lost her damn mind or that someone has broken into her account.

None of these examples are absolute, we recognize that every situation has it's details and are willing to examine them all differently.

My personal commitment to this site is that I will do what I can for as long as I can to help maintain a sane space. I feel that all of our Moderators and volunteers feel exactly the same way.
There will be people who will try our patience, test us, make threats, etc. To that I say that I have never been one to kowtow to a bully, a sycophant, or a fucked up sociopath.

The best way to get my negative attention is to fuck with this space and the people in it, whether by using this site as a toy for your fucked up issues or playing chess with the hearts and minds of the people who come here for positive reasons.
I don't care how you play out your fucked up drama, just don't do it here.

Sorry for my little tangent here but want to make it super clear to folks, this space will exist for a very long time and the truth is that it will exist with or without every single one of us.

Our choice is to be a productive member of this community or to play tiddlywinks with ourselves in crazyland without the benefit of the wonderful people who come here.

As my grandmother always said, 'Don't lend more money than you're willing to lose'. That doesn't make you feel any better when the money is gone, but at least you've "warned" yourself if nothing else.

We'd all like to be the trusting and generous people we wish others to be with us, but life happens and occasionally teaches us that our good will can be abused.

Along with the relationship stuff--we so often dismiss what is obvious because the other stuff seems so right and hot. The red flags won't get any redder. Again, it's so hard to see those red flags or not want to hide them when everything else seems so right. We can feel really foolish when things go really badly and not want to share that experience--hoodwinked, stolen from, abused.

I am a very loyal and generous person by nature---and expect the same in return. I don't mean tit for tat, or match me financially but a measure of same. It's very hard for me to trust people once I've been lied to or experienced pettiness. I have gotten past it with people, giving them the chance or benefit of the doubt even more than once. But I am unwilling to do all the work in a relationship--the proof is in the pudding, if you want to repair what was broken, then it takes two to do the repair. I am no longer willing to be in the role of 'fixer' or initiate these repairs.

I was accused on another site by a femme I dated three times of rape. Wow, was that ever a shock. More shocking to her was that she'd sworn butches to secrecy but since they were buddies to varying degrees of mine and that was a significant accusation--they told me. I called her on it, but of course she ignored my emails but the story did stop being told.

Additionally I've been accused of breaking people up, or advising them to break up--of course the reality is that I am NOT in the relationship and when people come to me as a pal, I am quick to say, 'ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?' If a relationship is so fragile that a talk with me breaks it up, wow,,,how powerful am I. I am more than happy to get people to slow it down as the first course of action: make a list of pros/cons, ask them if counseling won't help, ETC AND AD NAUSEUM.

But none of us can control mean spirited or just plain ol' gossip. I would hope that people are grown ups and would come to a person directly about their issues, but more likely they'd rather spin the tale that suits them or spread half information.

It's sad when new people to our community get taken for a ride, sadder still that we have to be vigilant and warn people about online nuttiness. That's why I tell people, meet sooner rather than later instead of date online for 6 months and think you have a true picture of the person.