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So what does being Bisexual, mean to you ?
Note, first of all.. This is a question for people who have identified as Bisexual, currently id as such, and or those that think they may be, but aren't sure.
My question, really has more to do with.. Does it mean you are attracted to both males & females.. and if co, sexually, emotionally, a bit of both, just one.. or ..neither or..something else altogether? I have always thought of myself as bisexual and , in what I call..strict Kinesyian definition, I am. I have enjoyed sex with and been attracted to, both males & females.. On the other hand, I am a tad mature.lol and at this stage of the game, aka life.. I am rarely attracted to anyone.. :) Also, several years ago, talking to a Butch friend, s/he was talking about having enjoyed sex with men, in hir younger days.. but finding that emotionally, who she went to, for comfort, to talk about a triumph, etc etc, were her female lovers, not her male ones.. a light bulb went off in my head, and I though ohmigawd, maybe I really am a Lesbian ! And yet.. .. I really don't know, if someone were to put a metaphysical gun to my head and say Ok, WHICH IS IT ... A couple people were defining themselves as bisexual, and others talking about defining as bisexual, early on..then that changing ... I hope I don't have to say this too often but If you define bisexual as a disease ridden whore.. You might want to not post in this thread, though reading it, might be a n education .. At least I hope it will I guess part of what I am getting at..is it all about sex? Seriously .. Or is there something else, and if so, is that always divided as equally or randomly, as it were.. Is it about who we go to ? Who we date, who we are attracted to ? Anybody want to go next ? :canoworms: |
I think it means you are fluid about your sex...
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Do you mean.. fluid about your sex as in your gender.. ? or fluid about , who you have sex with ? or..something else that I missed entirely ( which happens way too much but it does :) ) |
30 some years ago I dated a femme who was bi. She explained to me that she was oriented to both genders, male and female. It was more about personality, and gender in finding a mate. She just couldn't settle on one or another. It was unsettling for me. She dated both bio-males, and ftm's along with femmes. Then she ended up with a woman, and has had children with this woman. They are were once happy. When I saw her last, she was in a crisis. She felt the need/desire to be with a man (physically). It wasn't about wearing a strap, or being fucked by one. It was something in her soul. She crossed genders and barriers. I am very proud of her. I really haven't seen her in a couple of years now. I am not sure of how she resolved her situation. Plus the children who are now in the situation. Andrew |
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I hate to put a label on myself but I use to say I was Bi.I was always curious about other girls growing up but also attracted to men.I got married and had two children but was never truly happy.Eventually we divorced and I met someone who identified as a butch lesbian.After dating for three years she decided that she/he was actually transgender.I was fine with this and tried to be supportive as I could but was always screwing up w-the pro-nouns.Eventually she began an emotional affair online that crossed over into realtime.This woman really fed into her/his trans identity as it was the only way she knew her/him.I actually found out about the affair and left the relationship and began to date a man.I quickly realized biological men can just be gross.There were so many things about being with someone who was raised as a female. So whether its a butch or ftm I prefer them over bio men.I got back together w-her/him only to continously catch this person lying.Now I am taking time for me and when I meet the right person it wont matter their sex as much as their integrity.
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When I first became sexual, I identified as bisexual..
I was attracted to a small percentage of women, and they scared the HELL out of me.. They generally were in the military, had short hair, and wore guys clothes.. They made my palms sweat and made me nervous and self aware in a way that I had never been before... I was actually aware of my skin, body... I had absolutly no idea what to do with them.. I couldn't talk to them, look them in the eye... But I was aware... Guys, I knew what to do with... From my first experience, I knew how to drive them insane... Knew my power and used it... I had no problem playing with them, talking to them, teasing them... I did have a problem connecting emotionally with them... It was about sex and power... There was tenderness, but that was not the norm.. So I called myself bisexual... Because of this awareness for a certain type of woman.. (I had no word/lable/knowledge of anything. My *gay* world was the world of the gay man...) I knew I couldn't be straight. Fast forward 15 yrs later... A failed marriage, a couple flirtations, and I came out to myself... Gay.. Queer... It's funny... A couple years ago, I felt bisexual again... Lol.. My partner was Gender Fluid with GID and straight... Most of the time it felt like I was in a hetrosexual relationship.. |
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No, it isn't all about sex... wasn't and isn't for me, anyway. Even in the throws of raging hormones back in the day. I did go through "that transitional” period of being bi when I was really lesbian many years ago as a young adult (early 20's- I know, I was actually slow!). It was really about denial and fear at that time. I was heterosexual prior to this and continued to be sexual and loved men until nearly 30. Then, it was the combination of the physical and emotional energy that was most satisfying with women for me ht took hold. It remains that way, however, I have never felt negative about my relationships with men. Sex was good with them, too. Probably because I had good relationships with them outside of the sexual as well just as I have with women. And while I was bi, I was poly. This changed when I was with a particular woman and reached a developmental stage in which monogamy and commitment merged in a positive way for me (No, I don‘t hold that commitment is only within monogamous relationships). Been that way ever since. To me, bisexuality is just one mode on the continuum of sexuality. I have even had a period in my life that I felt asexual - and it felt right. LOL, I guess I don't have a great need to badger myself about where I am sexually and never have since I became sexually active with others, or outside of myself (we come to sexual experience long before sharing it with someone else- pun intended ! Unless, unfort6unately, we are abused). As I look back (as well as today), I have just never been alarmed about any stage/mode of sexuality I have gone through. I do know that I am at the core, lesbian and simply prefer women most of all on all of the levels of relating intimately (which goes beyond the physical for me) and have for many years now. This has been what I have personally felt to be sexual maturity for myself- a multi-dimensional array of sensation (including all of the senses) and perception physically, emotionally and spiritually with a woman. It’s not the same for everyone. Could that change? I doubt it, but, one never knows. I have arrived at a place (yes, it is about aging) in which I believe anything is possible. One's character, content and carriage is what brings eroticism to me. So, I believe that may be part of why my sexual history has been heterosexual, bisexual, asexual and lesbian- it always hinged on these essential features of attraction and synergy for me, not necessarily one's gender. Since I have become comfortable with what puts me in a state of butch, I would have to say that it is the state of femme that draws me more at this time of my life. Again, a late comer. I had a wonderful fairly long-term relationship with a bi woman that was married and had an "open" marriage. It simply fit that particular time of my life and I believe that this was her natural and real state of sexuality. She really was equally attracted to and interested in both men and women and remains so. During this time, I was not bi. I also think I am just more fluid in matters of sexuality and sex due to age and life’s experiences. This will be an interesting thread, I think! And I also hope that there is no bi bashing. |
Even though I was married for 20 years to a man, and I had other significant relationships with men before that, I do not consider myself to be bisexual. In all of those relationships, there was love and affection, but, finally, no real sexual attraction after the first rush. To me, love is something I can feel for anyone, regardless of sex or gender. But, sexual attraction, especially sustained and able to grow deeper, is quite specific. After so many years of lukewarm sexual feelings, which had a great deal to do with how I ended up feeling about myself and my body, it is a relief and joy to feel the intensity of sexual attraction that I experience in my relationship. Love in a relationship is important, but so is sex, for me. Being identified as a lesbian describes me as someone who prefers to partner with women, on all levels, even if I'm also someone who could love a man. In the past, there have been times that I considered myself bisexual, but I've become more aware of the distinctions in my feelings and realize that this doesn't describe me, truly.
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As I evolved in my sexuality, I identified as bisexual as a bridge, I suppose. I can't say for sure if I was truly bisexual or just afriad to give up something familiar....comfortable, if not exactly what I wanted and needed.
For me, men (FD, bio, as is...whatever term you feel comfortable with) were easy. I knew what I had to do do get what I wanted from them and I could easily remove myself emotionally from them. Women.....butches......transgenders of one flavor or another.....were very new to me. Frightening and exciting, like being in an open field during an intense lightning storm. The hairs on the back of my neck raised, slightly breathless, knowing that it is dangerous, but not giving a damn because it. felt. good. Right. I know some folks say bisexuals are indecisive and just can't choose one or the other and some folks say bisexuals are greedy and want it all, and those folks may be right in specific cases but it's not for anyone else to judge. We have different friends for different reasons.....some make us happy and content and some are exciting and push us past our known limits.....why can't it be the same for lovers? |
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Great Topic
I think this is a great topic, that doesn't get explored to often. Alot of the time time bisexuality has been played up by media and alot of myths. I think its great for everyone to express what it was or how it related to them now.
Great Thread! |
I was told for many years that I was Bi-Sexual... And my response was no, I am a Lesbian, even though I was married. My ex-husband was my best friend and Gay -- We really did have this amazing friendship and loved one another, and through this love, we had two children. Even when I was sleeping with him, I did not feel Bi-Sexual - I still believed in my entire being, that I was a Lesbian.
Even today... People will say, but you were Bi-Sexual, you slept with a man and were married...and for me... It is not about the act of sex - it is about the internal part of my soul that is touched by another woman. That cannot nor has ever been touched by a man. If you took away my ability to be sexual, you could not take away who I am inside. Would I become A-Sexual? Simply, NO! I am not sure I should have even posted, since I have never felt or identified this way - only labeled as such by my community. Great topic Merrick - and certainly one we can all learn from. Julie |
I think it is about sex. That is why it is called bi-sexual. I have never had sex with a (omg what word do I use? breaths through a moment of language horror). But what do I know is that I have only been an out dyke for 35 years and it always meant the same.
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I self-ID as Queer. However, I -am- technically bisexual and will use that word when it's necessary to make my point or when I'm talking to someone who the word "Queer" is just too confusing for. I am legally married to a female (sex = female, gender = Butch) but things could have easily turned out differently for me. I am glad that things ended up how they ended up - because I think if I had ended up with a man that I would have lost my community...but I will never deny that the possibility of a legally binding monogamous relationship with a man was never off of the table for me.
For myself, the sex of the other person just does not figure in when I am evaluating if I am attracted to him/her. It's completely irrelevant. Gender / gender presentation -does- factor in for me, however. I am attracted to masculine people. Butches and Men (both trans and non-trans) do it for me. (The only exceptions to that rule are Drew Barrymore and Rosario Dawson). It's important to me that potential dates are clever, well-read, have irreverent senses of humour, like sarcasm, are politically compatible with me, have similar tastes in music, and interact with me the way I like being interacted with. |
I am so inspired by all of the posts, all of the honesty.
I think bisexuality is the ugly stepchild of the gay community sometimes. One of my nearest and dearest identifies as queer even though she's fully bisexual, simply because she's afraid of the stigma that both straight and gay communities associate with the term - either she can't make up her mind, she's too afraid of being fully gay, she's only half-gay because of politics, she's a whore, she's a traitor...there's a long list of inadequacies that get thrown at people who identify as bisexual. My understanding of bisexuality is that it's just as fluid and dynamic as any other sexuality or gender. Some people identify as lesbian because it's about the sex - women just turn them on in a way that other genders never could. For others, lesbian is more about the emotional and spiritual connection than the sex. I think the same is true for bisexuals - some people are equally attracted to both sexes but gravitate towards one or the other because of emotional or spiritual connections. Others are split right down the middle. I wish more people who were truly bisexual would come flying out of the closet to help dispel so many of the assumptions and myths. Personally, I am attracted to pretty much any kind of person (XX, XY, male, female, man, woman, gender-fluid, gender-variant, gender-queer, butch, femme, hym, hir) as long as the energy and the attitude and the charisma are there. I am equal opportunity that way when it comes to what turns me on and makes me horny (though I will say sperm kind of grosses me out no matter how hot the guy is - LOL). The deciding factor for me is that I'm just naturally drawn to women and folks with women-bodied experiences. I feel more comfortable and open. I feel a connection that blossoms organically when the person I'm interacting with intrinsically understands a little bit of my story. I don't identify as bisexual because while the sexual attraction may exist, the emotional and spiritual connection reaches it's true depths with women, butches, and FTMs more than the XYs of the world. If I weren't in a relationship, I wouldn't exclude any possibility, though - I believe circumstances are constantly changing my perception of the world. Matters of the heart can be messy and complicated and I try not to be too rigid in my definitions. A personal note to betenoire - your post was fantastic. Your last point about the importance of finding a match for your personality, your passions, your style is spot-on. I love it. |
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Also, your speaking to sexuality as not just a physical act, but one of imagination and cognitive dimensions, strikes a deep chord with me. At times, I find that most of what people describe or refer to as sexual activity is very narrow. Absent of the wonders of human sensibilities (as in our multi-faceted senses). I went through a period of time after a spinal surgery in my early 20's in which I lost my ability to have orgasms. Up to that time, I was certainly active sexually and I knew exactly what I was missing. This occurred when I was actively bisexual. Though terrified (and angry), I realized that I could go to this pleasure in my mind and things such as scents associated with along with visual perception of being touched by a partner gave me much the same satisfaction because sex, for me goes far beyond orgasms. It is a journey of altered states and perceptions. Eventually, I regained the ability to have orgasms. yes, I was very grateful. However, this experience brought me to a much broader understanding of sex and sexuality and just my own body. further, it taught me a lot about how our society is quite single-minded about what sex is. Look at the myths that are perpetuated about disabled and elderly people and sex! Or about post menopausal women. I think becoming asexual is actually pretty difficult unless a person looses cognitive reasoning and function. But, I do believe asexuality is just as valid as hetero, bi, or gay/queer/lesbian. They are all equal in nature to me. |
a short thought on this
Love knows no gender for me. I have and am exploring the term bisexual as an I'd. Here's where I lose myself. Gender and sexual preference isn't related or fixed ea to corresponding categories ect. I am moving away from factoring my emotional connections and sexual likes dislikes into my gender Id. I have and would be willing to love someone for the person they are inside and my sexual compatibility comes into it last anyway...
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i seemed very much ashamed of even trying to tell people i'm bisexual, so because my interest in men is much harder to hide i tell people i'm gay and often even go out of my way not to allow myself to find any sort of woman attractive.
The whole world and surprisingly especially the gay community seem to be very anti bi folk, i even objected about the t-shirt stall at a pride event a few years ago selling anti bi t-shirts. Most people seem to see bi folk as greedy, even completely slutty and incapable of a 1 on 1 relationship, an ex gf and i were even told by a friend that neither of us could still consider ourselves bisexual if we were in a relationship. i am the worst kind of bisexual person, i have often been the third person in a relationship etc, but that has never been by intent. Every time i consider finding a female friend in the hopes of more, i feel shamed into secrecy and have a complete lack in confidence of the understanding of the friends i have in real life (instead of online, not imaginary friends lol) |
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((And yes, BioMen are just gross. ;) )) Thank you! :) |
Sassy & Ms. Lizzy:
Please quit being so fucking ignorant & do not label all bio-males as "gross". The father who raised me was anything but gross & I find your statement disgusting & insulting(not to mention strengthening to a ridiculous lesbian stereotype).GAWD! |
my submissive was born male and while yearning to transition MtF, he is still male bodied and is NOT gross.
I have been with gross bio men but then I have been with gross females and gross butches and gross FtMs. Gross is a lifestyle not a gender.... I am not bi because Bi is two. To me I have been with way more than two genders. I am attracted to people not genders. I love me my masculinized energy in whatever body form it comes in but as of late, I have also been hungry for femme energy. I get both in the submissive I have. |
Interesting
This is a very interesting thread and I thank you, Merrick, for starting it. I too have been married, twice. The first one was horrible, to an abusive man. Out of that marriage came a son that is now 19 years old. For a long while after getting away from him I was asexual; I was simply just not interested in anyone, neither physically nor emotionally. For years I suffered battle scars and nightmares that made it hard for me to trust again, much less let anyone close.
Fast forward five years and I got married again to a great man. Up to that point I still considered myself heterosexual. But 7 years into my marriage I began to fall apart. I was no longer interested in sex, AT ALL (!) with my husband, I didnt even want him to touch me. It wasn't until three years later that I found the answer that I was looking for: a woman. We connected immediately. Not sexually, but on an emotional realm that I'd completely lost with my husband. I felt human again. I cannot explain the vibrant life she returned to me. I feel like she coaxed a caged bird to fly! Now comes the interesting part of the story. She's been my gf for over a year now. She's married, IDs as bi and yes, I'm still married, but I'm not sure if I'm bi or if I'm leaning more to the lesbian side because even though I do still have sex with my husband (on the rarest of occasion) I have to think about her to get me in the mood. I know you all are wondering why are you still married?! Right? Well, right now it works for us and I get to see my gf and go on trips with her every so often. If I had my way, I'd be married to her helping to raise her kids but she won't leave her husband. So, such is life. On a positive note, the only other people we are allowed to sleep with is our husband, no other women, we are in a committed relationship to one another. |
Starbuck....
do both your husbands know about the relationship you and your g/f are having? |
The Kinsey Scale ranges from one exclusively homosexual on one end, exclusively hetero on the other, bisexual in the middle and gradiations on either side of bi.
When I was 18, I was exclusively hetero in practice but fantasizing about women. By the time I was 20, I was having sex with both. By the time I was 29, exclusively homosexual. I never, ever could connect emotionally with bio men the way I do with women. I am not able to have sex with anyone without an emotional connection, ergo- pigs would probably be flying around the moon before I would ever have a sexual relationship OR a deeply emotional relationship with another bio man. I do not dislike bio men at all. Some are my very good friends. My two brothers are very good men. Not being sexually attracted to them is just me. Do I believe sexuality can be fluid? Yes, I do. For me? Not any more. My sexual orientation is firmly fixed on the homosexual side of the Kinsey Scale. I am a woman-identified lesbian, sexually attracted to woman-identified butch women. Do I judge those on any part of the continum? Never. |
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A lot of the women on this particular board were married and out to their husbands and dated women. I got together with this one female couple who lived about an hour or so from me. They had gotten together at work. One was actually the others' boss. They have now been together, geez, it has to at least be 15 years. They were both still married and both loved their husbands. Both of their husbands knew and after a period of time were supportive of their relationship (and the women are supportive of each others' relationship with their husband). Periodically, the families would get together. The other woman (the Utah one), had a similar thing going on (but with a single lesbian). They lived in two different states, but actually had a business together. That one didn't end too well (the single lesbian kind of screwed my friend over). After that relationship, my friend's husband requested she only seek out lovers and no longer have "relationships" with women, as he really struggled with her loving someone else. My friend has been ok with this so far and has been fortunate to find a lover she enjoys in bed, but not so much out of bed...so it works! For all three of the above women, they have talked about how they really need both sexes in their lives to feel fulfilled. However, I have also spoken to other bisexual women that say they can be completely fulfilled committed to only one person. I do believe this to be true. |
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I am curious if being gay is strictly about sex also? After all, they do call it homosexual. Ditto for straight people, they call it heterosexual. |
Really interesting topic.
I have never ID'ed as Bi because I have never had any doubt about where My attractions lie, but I have dated several people who have ID'ed as such. For Me, it always made sense that someone who was attracted to masculinity, and who were very self aware and open to connections with all kinds of people, without regard to what is between their legs, may have some overlap. I think being bisexual has nothing to do with you ability to be fidelitous (if that's what you seek). I think our own fears as a community have driven some very hurtful and frankly untrue biases about bisexuals. That's why I am happy and proud to ID as queer, because in general, I think the queer community is much more open to ID's that don't fit into easy little packages, that serve to quell our fears. As an aside, I think it is important to remember that we can find bad behaviors and personality traits in any group of individuals. ~Elijah |
To answer your question
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Are you all practicing safe sex???? That's one helluva interaction you got going Starbuck good luck!
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You are very brave to come forward and out to everyone here such as you have. I commend you for being so forth coming!! |
Good question
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Whaddup Star ;)
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We are so lucky, Snow. Of all the men in the world, these two are the ones who will never cheat! I even told mine once that it wasn't fair that I was holding out on him that if he felt the need to find someone else that I would understand. You know what his response was? "Nope, it'll never happen, I'm married to you.". And I truly believe him because his ex-wife cheated on him and left him for her "soul mate" and that really hurt him so I think he's really devoted to me. That's kinda why I'm still with him, I think. Now my gf's hubby is a strong Christian man and I don't think think he'd cheat based on that fact alone. |
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Phew.... Well shit, all I gotta say is mad props to you for putting your shit out there for us to read, you're living your life as you see you should be and it looks like you get to have straight priveledge AND you get to have a lil queer fun here and there! Good luck on all your relationships and thank you for sharing yourself with us:) |
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I don't know that I'd call it a priveledge, as I have to deal with him wanting sex when I don't. That's the worst part about the whole ordeal. My true leaning is toward my gf and I often times feel like my marriage is an arraingement so that I remain financially secure. I do enjoy our outings that we take, the motorcycle rides we go on, the activities we embark on that don't include sex are more enjoyable to me because I'd rather save myself for my gf, does that make sense? I thank you for talking with me and not judging me. |
Starbuck,
I promise you i'm not judging either. But, what about when one of the husbands find out about the cheating. You know they will most surely tell the other one, and then ka-boom? What happens next. I'm sure you have thought about this but just now reading your posts it is something that i immediately see as lighted tnt. I just worry about this situation somehow blowing up. With the close friendships in all of this, it will be a huge loss if it explodes. Do you have any plans if that happens? Just an observation and maybe curious to know if you have a "plan b". |
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