Infidelity
 

:deepthoughts: With the Tiger Woods and Sandra Bullock ( who in their right mind would cheat on Sandra Bullock????) issues of late. I am wondering what people think of fidelity in relationships these days. Is it an outdated concept?
How do you think you would react if you found out your partner was cheating?

Personally, I still think monogamy is my relationship mode of choice because I like things simple and predictable. And I suspect if I found out my partner was cheating on me, I would be throwing their belongings out a second story window - its the Italian in me.

well ppl are different ... ppl want different things...as long as they are open and honest about it all... there should be no problem... life is strange all sorts of thing happen.... we are not to judge anyone what so ever.... we have the right to be or not be involved with ppl based on their actions and things they do... other then that... free will

I personally might be one of very few who still believe in monogamy....
I still believe in love...and yes am a little selfish and prefer my partner to be a little to a lot selfish too... but yes I do believe in finding the one.... Don't know maybe it's a catholic toxin speaking from my brain lol ...but yes... I do believe in commitment and all....
and it is true I am a very very bad and sinful and naughty catholic but still catholic therefor must blame that for serious monogamy view lol now that sounds just so bad... :giggle:

When I partner I give of myself whole heartedly. Heart mind body and soul. I cant even look at someone else without feeling like I am "cheating". Im very old fashioned..

You cant be a partner of mine unless I trust you implicitly. If I found out I was being cheated on its really simple Im done. No taking someone back, working on it. Nothing. Without trust there is nothing.

EXACTLY!!!!! I like that what goes around comes around... :)

I guess one never really knows what they'll do until they find themselves in an unfortunate and un-negotiated position. :pendulum:

deep heavy sigh

I have been cheated on. It caused me to lose my family farm. And a 7 year marriage to my butch husband. Gave my 17 year old daughter shingles and almost ruined her college dreams. I had to sell my family heirlooms to her in college. I had to sell all my beautiful horses. Then he called me and said he knows how it felt because she did the same thing to him just a couple months after he left me for her.

I dont know if he wanted pity or to return home. Neither was given.

I almost lost my mind over this. All it would have taken, seriously, was for him to butch up and put on his big boy panties and tell me he wanted to move on. Instead, he told me on a Thursday and was gone with no forwarding address on Saturday. I had a field of horses, a kid graduating and no money in the bank and no hay in the barn. My utilities were on shut off and he hadnt paid our mortage in months...

people turn into totally different people when they cheat.

but then, maybe not. He cheated with the woman before me. She was married and he had a 2 year relationship with her.

So I think, cheaters are cheaters and once done, in any direction, its prone to happen again.

I have had two more people cheat on me since then, but they didnt do as much damage as this one did. This one threw me, and I ended up losing so much that I am still financially recovering from it.

Infidelity isnt, to me, about the fact that my partner is fucking someone else. And thats what it is, because if you are partnered, you are fucking someone else. You can call it making love but trust me, you are fucking them.

Infidelity to me is about the incredible web of lies and deceptions played out on the partner and the assumption that the partner is so stupid that the obvious signs can be denied and therefore, believed. It is such a smack in the face to my intelligence, my sensitivity and respect for me as a woman, let alone as a partner. There is no reason in the world why it is ok for someone who made a committment to someone, to look outside of the relationship for what a partner is suppose to give.

No matter how its justified.

Infidelity strips the clothes off someone, makes them stand nakkid in front of the enture world and humliates them when being stared at as the innocent but stupid victim of the person who everyone knew was cheating but you...

infidelity does indeed harden the nipples, dampens the nether regions, flushes the flesh..but only of the two out of three

the third person gets to howl into the night, cry a river of tears that never seems to end, and blackens their heart so that no one will ever get that level of trust in this lifetime again.

Infidelity is for the weak...they have no backbone to do the right thing. They have no brain to have a conciousness. They have no heart to know the depth to which they are going to seriously injure the person they once promised to love. Infidels are cowards....

in saying all this...it would be a cold day in hell before I would forgive someone who cheated on me, specifically more so if they knew my history of having been victimized by a cheater and his more than opportuned GF.

so no, its not an outdated concept....and no, I would not stay in a relationship with someone who cheated on me....

I cant double your thanks so Im a do it here THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU wonderful post my friend...

I am sorry that all of that happened to you

One thing I know is that over the years I have lost a lot of trust,expectation,hopes and dreams about ever really trusting anyone because of what I have gone thrue in my relationships both personal and with colse family.I've been to hell and back in my life and it is still takeing me time to realise I now have a real home that unless something really really big happends,will be hear for me to call home and that all the utilities work nd I will be warm when its cold.Many wonder why I dont really take the time to date,have a relationship ect...its just to much to explane to them but they dont need to know anyway.
Yep the liers,cheaters and users of the world can and do take everything out of the ppl they hurt..they dont care they just keep on useing and hurting ppl to get what they want.Folks, u know what? Sooner or later they get it back cause one of these days someone with worse carma than they have will get em good.

haha
 

well ive been cheated on too i do beleive in Karma ive seen it right befor my own eyes:popcorn:

For me...

Cheating is my partner developing feelings for someone, acting on those feelings and not telling me about it..

Mic and I define and redefine what we expect from each other, what is cheating, what are hard limits? What is going to cause a crack in our foundation?

If my partner meets someone and there is chemistry or sparks and she acts on that chemistry, spark, attraction.. Then she needs to tell me about it.. Before hand would be nice, but truthfuly, as long as she practice safe sex and has a good time and tells me about it.. It's all good..

That has nothing to do with our relationship.. What she might have with someone else doesn't take anything from our relationship.

Now Lying or Hiding something... well.. that doesn't work.. That would break the rules of our relationship.. That would cause a weak spot in our foundation.. A crack that could be patched, but the scar would always be there.. During a earthquake, it would be a weak spot..

We both have had partners cheat long term on us.. The pain that it caused was quite unnescesary..We both agree.. If it ever came to a place where one of us wanted someone else beyond wanting each other.. Then each other will be the first to know.. not the last... Truth, even when brutally honest, is
the rule...

For me.. you hit it on the nail... It's the dishonesty, the lies.. It effects not only the pair bonding but your trust in yourself... How did I not see that this person was capible of this? How did I not see the signs.. Then there is the ever famous... *I know that xxxx loved me beyond words, I know that is true.. I would have bet my life that they would never lie to me.. Never willingly hurt me... If they could do this to me, being who they are, then how can I trust anyone ever to be honest with me again? How can I belive in a world where the only truth was a lie?*

It shifts your world view and changes who you are...

I know for me... It wasn't all bad.. It made me grow up and see the world as it is.. It made me aware, made me self reliant.. it turned me into someone who is mistress of her own house, her own heart... Lol.. It turned the princess into a Queen...

I think if you know you can't stick to one person (and you do know that) decide to be Polyamorous or have an open relationship. :)

Lies and secrets suck!

I don't have the nerves for more than one woman. The very thought gives me a headache!

Oh......

And,

If someone cheats on their partner with you, what makes you think they won't cheat on you later?

DUH.

I don't think this is always the case..

If someone is a serial cheater, then that is one thing... But I think at times, people just don't know how to remove themselves from relationships.. You know the entire.. *I don't want to hurt her* but the silly thing is.. It's going to hurt either way... In my mind.. do it quickly, do it bluntly, do it clean...

Agreed. I did have a partner who cheated on me and one who was already moving on before we broken up. That said, I believe that they are faithful to the partners they are with now and are happier. I had tried to resolve things with a partner who had cheated on me but I've found once it's done, it's hard to trust again. It is certainly my own issue (I'll admit to lingering trust and abandonment issues) but it's an issue nonetheless.

I find it frustrating in that if the person had spoken to me about whatever had caused them to stray we could have either resolved together to separate amicably or entered into a poly relationship (if all parties were inclined and opened for that).

Today, if it is happens, the existing relationship will be over and I'll be moving on. Given my previous experience and knowing myself I know it'll be better in the long run.

In My experience when I have dated someone who cheated to be with Me, eventually they cheated on Me.

I agree, if you are over your relationship, grow a set and break up respectfully.

Tiger Woods, Jesse James, all celebrities, filled with greed and privilege to top it off they never hear the word..

No...

You want new clothes sure, new car sure, new hot wife sure, hot lil piece to tap on the side sure..

Greed is what drives these people..

Now as for the rest of us who don't have things thrown at us and the cameras in our face.. I think to cheat is pretty sorry.. There is no reason to to cheat.. *MY* opinion is if you are not happy with something that is going on then *talk* it over.. Open your relationship up to polyamory, start doing things apart, talk more, laugh more, etc etc.. Sometimes the person you are with is not going to *FILL* all your needs and wants...

Now if it is over, no feeling left nada, you just wanna punch a baby when you see em?

Why stay? Get out, no reason to cheat once you are feeling that shitty about the person who gave you tons of these :rose: it's time to move on away...

Rook I believe it was mentioned that monogamy lead to successful truthful love? Pish posh.. I have myself seen it lead to the most deceiving, manipulative kinda love

Yucko...

I dunno about monogamy being all simple and predictable, *I* tend to keep my surroundings (if you are liked if not I am like whatever) hoppin a lil....

Nods.. I know that to my ex, our relationship had ended and she moved on.. lol.. she just forgot to tell me about it.. She did what was best for her.. Just went about it in a not so great way... As far as I know.. Her and her wife are happy as a lark..

For me... If my partner was having an affair, then the relationship would be ended... Because it would mean she chose to put someone else ahead of our relationship (which I view as a living thing on it's own) It would mean that she threw away all the hard work, tears, freaking eons of talking.. It would mean that her priorities had shifted and someone else was more important than the base *US*...

For me.. Being Poly isn't easy.. It doesn't mean that you just do anything you want and your partner is fine with it... It's a lot of hard work and talking, and talking, and defining, and redefining what your relationship is.. It's also talking about what happens if your partner falls in love with someone that you don't like, don't respect, someone who doesn't want to put the work into being more than a paired couple..

If she fell for someone who didn't want to be part of *US*, Someone that I just couldn't stand..And we had talked about it until we were blue in the face.. and kept seeing that person without me knowing it... ummmm.. ya.. no.. That would be a very bad thing and it would cost her me.. Vis versa...

I won't be lied to on that level.. there is not need.. You have to make hard choices sometimes.. What do you want more?

Exactly.. Did not want the consequence that came from breaking up with someone.. Don't want to face the pain and the hurt that his actions caused..

Which in my mind.. (now that I am grown a bit) is silly.. cause unless you just disapper of the face of the earth.. It's going to happen..

I see a pattern with the people you were dating..

Not all Ms. Softness.. Not all..

I try really hard never to say.. ALL people who do this are the same..

The male reporter on Showbiz Tonight (CNN) was commenting about the "TWE" (Tiger Woods Effect) happening to Sandra Bullock. Meaning that more women are coming out of the woodwork to say the had couch time with Jesse James. Male Reporter said they all had txt's and email's to prove it.

THEN he said....(wait for it)..."It's a tough time to be a guy"!

Seriously? I think it's a tough time to be a moron, but that is not exclusive to males and puts the cheater in the victim stance rather than the other way around.

Of course, immediately following the segment a Viagra commercial came on.

So to answer the OP: No, I don't think fidelity has gone out of style. The world wouldn't be so hungry for the dirty deets if it had.

Not getting caught may be going out of style due to technology. But let's face it, we all know in our guts when something is off. Denial of that is usually what leads to a person being slapped upside the head with the info.

I've had lovers who put on a "poly" hat when it was convenient; to me a poly arrangement is negotiated and consensual and discussed before or during the relationship, not just a handy excuse to whip out when you've been caught with your hand in the cookie jar. I've had lovers who cheated and then tried to convince me that what I saw wasn't what I actually saw -- shame on ME for being fooled into believing their lies. I've had lovers who, after breaking up, they ended up with someone else in less than a week and called them their "one and only"; it did little to convince me that it wasn't going on behind my back before the breakup occurred (I only hoped the new "one" hadn't also been fooled, but that wasn't my karma to bear). I've had lovers who cheated in ways large and small but without the actual sexual activity that would typify "true cheating" but they were still forms of infidelity. It's a loss of faith in the heart. It undermines the relationship and kills it slowly instead of by sudden cardiac arrest. Someone already said it -- "What she'll do WITH you, she'll do TO you" and it comes back to bite them eventually, but for my own sake and like Softness, I don't pray for karma. I pray for healing for myself and for them. And like Gemme said, it does real long-term damage to people. And like Apocalipstic said, whether it's the cheater or the one they're cheating with, they're both culpable and both are sewn of the same cloth, IMO. It's just as likely to happen in their brand spankin' new "true love."

What I've found to be sadly true is that when someone lives for the thrill of craving constant attention and adoration, they don't care who they hurt while they chase after that. They have a bottomless pit of need. Their hearts go from 60 to zero in nothing flat, instead of the other way around -- which is the opposite of how true love develops. Deliberateness of ill intent is a love-killer, not the ending of an honest effort where people failed to meet in the middle. We all make mistakes, and things don't always work out. But if someone tries to destroy my life, who can allow that? Me. So I've developed a zero tolerance for staying involved with a cheater, it just doesn't work for me. Might work for others, c'est la vie. I do prefer monogamy because I'm just too old to keep up with poly ;)

I'll take a shot in the dark and say that every one of those cheaters called ME "psycho" after we were done. Why? Because I didn't fall for their bullshit? When I called them on it, they were afraid I might ruin their game somehow. It's not up to me to reduce the victim pool, though. Their best defense was a good offense. But I don't need to behave that way. Though I do have to say, I was uncomfortable sitting around taking it in the shorts non-consensually by people who were supposed to be out of my life, but all I could do was maintain my own composure -- and keep a pair of tight boxers on.

The funny thing is, I have a low ratio of lovers to years on this earth -- haven't I learned anything yet about recognizing a boundariless person? That's my issue today, if I knew how to start a thread it's on my mind. Sorry to be so long-winded, my mind doesn't know how to build sentences any more that aren't at least 40 words apiece.

In some states, you can sue the "other party".

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Business/w...ry?id=10177637

*I* think it to be cowardly and down right shitty to say they are poly just so they can continue what was started under cloak and dagger.

There are no smoke and mirrors in poly, all parties involved know, no one is being cheated of anything and it's all very transparent. Well at least good, open, communicative poly is.

hmm has there ever been a case of same-sex decisions that are similar?

I agree, it's a lifestyle that requires a lot of negotiation and discussion.

I have seen people pull out the Poly card...after they cheat too. This needs to be negotiated before the fact or it's plan o'le cheating.


What about people who always line us a new host (OOps, I mean partner) before they break up with their correct partner. Not very honorable or healthy in my book.

If you know you can't just be with one person, that is OK...but don't pretend you can be. Be honorable and honest with your partners. Choose to be Poly. or have an open relationship with a like minded person/s. It's a great thing to know yourself and be honest about who you are. Bravo to people who are brave enough to be ethical in these matters!!!!! I agree with Snow on this. There really is no excuse for cheating.

Also, I have seen where one person wants to be poly, but is too jealous for their partner to be. I call Bullshit on this. Bs bsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbssbsbsbsbsbsbs

Be honorable. Be ethical. Treat others as you would like your sister or mother to be treated, if you don't care enough about yourself to treat others as you would like to be treated.