|
Making Peace with Exes
Today I had lunch with an ex I have not seen in about 13 or 14 years. The break-up was a bitch, catty, ugly, etc. A few years back she called me at work. I thought she wanted to date again because of one thing she said and I was involved so I pretty much blew off any more conversations. I've been single again about a year and decided I wanted to see if we could just be friends. Googled and found a current email addy and sent a note. Eventually heard back.
It's all so odd why people get so bent when things are not working out. It wasn't working for me and communicating wasn't working either. We were stuck in our positions. And I was tired of it so I called it over and she wasn't ready to hear that. A lot of time has passed. A lot of hard things have happened in both of our lives. But it was nice to just sit down, have lunch, talk, go for a walk after lunch, talk, and realize we could be friends. And I really hope that we do go kayaking a couple of times this summer. I am also talking her into ditching the dash site and coming over here. My last ex is still majorly pissed at me and it makes me sad since we were together for a long time by either of our standards. Today gave me hope that time may heal all things or not..... |
My last ex, my close friends know how bad of a break up it was, and how long we were together. Its funny, how we are friends now, and I look at her and wonder how we ever got to that place. I am good friends with her gf. As a matter of fact, I introduced my ex to the butch-femme dating site and that's how they met.
I enjoy our friendship now, and enjoy my friendship with her gf. I wouldnt trade it for anything in the world. For me it was difficult. But one thing I knew is that even though we werent meant to be, we both deserved to be happy. Im very good friends with my first gf. We have been close for over ten years. Im good friends with another ex. I by no means am perfect. I was just fortunate enough to be given the opportunity to be friends with the ones I made peace with. With the ones that stole a piece of my heart in friendship. I have no regets. Only sweet memories and learning experiences. They have taught me what I want and e not to accept anything less. :) |
I have tried to do the right thing, be the better person, and be civil or at least try to still be friends with my exes. Unfortunately, they never wanted to.... even though they were the ones who broke up with me! I have seen some of them out at clubs/bars that I was at and they would look at me like I was the bad guy in all of it. I have even gone as far as to text some of them on holidays and wish them the best of those days. I would always get a nasty response, like they thought I was trying to be sly with what I was saying. Even though it would say something like, Hope you have a great Thanksgiving.
The good thing about all this, is that at least I know I tried! ~J~ |
I think everyone has their own way of dealing with things...
It is my belief that if you don't wind up friends you probably didnt have that much in common to be great lovers anyway...I know it seems silly but it happens... Some people are better off friends than lovers... And some are better off learning that hard way that lovers was all it was... But the best relationships start with friends and develop into lovers... course that is the opinion of a cheezy hopeless romantic...what do I know! :flowers: |
I've been pretty lucky over the years with my exes.
My first boyfriend from high school was a dear friend of mine for many years after we broke up and I still care about him very much (though we lost touch and I haven't been able to find him in recent years). The guy I lost my V-card to is a Facebook friend and we have stayed in touch over the years. We weren't great together at all, but he's interesting and we share similar politics so it's nice to touch base every once in a while. My most recent ex, M, is a wonderful woman. She's funny and caring and has a huge heart. I wish we were closer than we are. There certainly aren't any hard feelings and our break-up was honest and timely. We've cross paths occasionally and we always enjoy catching up when we do see each other. Maybe down the road our paths will intersect again and we'll be friends. Looking back, I think I've just been very lucky that the majority of my relationships ended at a point when both of us were ready to move on and, though painful or tear-filled, it was never nasty or hurtful. |
I haven't been fortunate enough to cultivate breaks ups that have easily mainstreamed into friendships. Some have found the way there, but it's been through time and patience, and there's been work put into each one. I do have hope that some other exes and I shall remain friends in time but I'm fully aware that it may never happen. All relationships take work and effort on the parts of all the participants, and if one isn't playing ball, then the game goes to Hell and gets called off.
|
My ex contacted me last year wanted to be friends on fb but it didn't work out she said she wanted to get back together but she also said she is MOrmon and can't do that..so no we are not friends at this time and I don't know if I want to be friends it was a hurtful time in my life but that was a long time ago so maybe I should forgive her and move on which I'm trying to do...
|
Making "peace" and being friends are two different things..IMO
If I see an ex, I'd be cordial...I'd put em out if they were on fire, maybe.. but friends? no thanks,, I left them and the pain the caused behind.. I don't feel a need to have them in my life at all and I would not want my current partner to deal with my bringing old flames into our relationship circle. I guess when I'm done, I'm done. I've been the one to leave relationships, and for a reason. I also feel that once you have been intimate and/or had a relationship, its not just a plain ole friendship .. it's much deeper a that. I don't get how people refer to exes as just *friends* when you've already gone beyond that and back. It's a deeper relationship and that's ok too, the feelings are different, your energy is different than people you are simply friends with. If there are kids involved being peaceful is of course the only way to go. It's also very awkward for the new partner to have to deal with. It's doable, but only with lots of TLC. I guess I just don't need to be close to people I am no longer involved with, maybe I don't like being reminded of the pain the bastards caused me and the fact that I allowed them to hurt me ! ahem. :eyebat: |
I have been lucky in that I have enough in common with almost all my exes to still maintain close friendships. Just because we did not work out as a couple, does not mean they won't make an awesome friend. :)
I count myself VERY lucky! :) |
I still love each and every one of my exes. No matter how we ended or the reasons why we ended is not so important to me. What is important, is what brought us together to begin with and hopefully be reminded of this.
I just cannot imagine, loving someone so much one day and then not the next. One of my exes is not alive anymore... And I really miss her. Our breakup was not the best and it put me in a pretty ugly financial situation. I could have certainly gone the "hate" route with her. But dammit, she is gone now, and if I did not have those moments after we broke up, to let her know I loved her (still) even up to the day before she died (suicide)... I know, I would be carrying this deeply within me. She knew I loved her before she died and I knew she loved me. We were lucky we resolved our issues. Sometimes, hating can become a permanent fixture - if you are not allowed to work through the ugly with the person. Sometimes we don't get a second chance. |
Interesting.....
I have found it both ways....being friends with an ex or not having contact at all and it depends on several things for me....given the situation and how the breakup was handled and why it happened to begin with. Most of my exes i don't have to deal with, i don't have to see, i don't have to think about and some have not been forgiven by perhaps what they did to be my ex to begin with. Those people are just forgotten by me and no longer exist in my world by my choice or by theirs...don't matter, they are simply gone. However, there are a couple that I want to remain friends with. Why? cause i simply adore them. Maybe it didn't work out on the romantic side either for lack of connection or timing or whatever. Different reasons each but, that doesn't mean that I want to block them from my world if they are receptive with it in return. I enjoy a couple of friendships with exes but I do believe, in my experience, that it takes time to get to that point and things have to come full circle and those hurt feelings have to heal. But when they do and you can talk with someone that you have feelings for whatever those feelings may be...it is a true gift to you both. Boundries have to be set and hearts have to be protected...but it's a blessing when it happens...imo. |
Quote:
I have a couple of exes that I'm still friends with, a couple that I don't keep in touch with but know there is no reason we couldn't be friends if we wanted to, and a couple that I wouldn't spit on if they were on fire (as much as I hate to say that, it is the truth and I value honesty). Break-ups happen. We have all been there. In my opinion, the hope of one day developing and possibly maintaining a friendship with an ex all depends on just as you indicated,,what caused the break-up to begin with (although I will be the first to admit, each person plays some role in a break-up; its rarely one sided) and how the break-up was handled, meaning handle it with integrity, be fair in your dealings with each other, and basically, just do what is right. With a little soul searching, no matter the situation, it is usually not all that difficult to ascertain what is "right". Just my opinion mind you. Glynn, who is happily married and glad I never have to worry about a break-up again! |
I've never thrown the hail mary pass, and i don't have any x's sitting around the bull-pen. Furthermore, I've learned not to return to the stable of losers.
|
Most of my relationships ended at my end and most of them are not at all interested in being friends. I would wish it to be otherwise as said here by some there was something special that brought us together in the first place. I have always made the offer of friendship after a decent interval and am satisfied that I did make that offer. I am still friends with one ex and I cannot imagine never loving her in the most special and private way.
|
I happen to have a few ex's I've kept in contact with one way or another.
In fact, I just moved out of a house my ex and I shared. She ended the relationship, but not for any reasons anyone could imagine. She has chosen a spiritual path and wants to give her life to our creator. I didn't lose her to another person, I lost her to God. It's been quite hard for me, but I understand. We'll always maintain a friendship because she really is a good friend and cares about others like no one I ever met. I learned from her about wanting to be the best person I could possibly be. She has been my best friend for years now and going into a religious order won't change that. We fight, we make up, we've laughed and cried together. Isn't that part of what being friends is about? Rediscovering me and healing my heart doesn't mean we can't continue as friends. I have a couple other ex's I keep in touch with via email as they both have children I happen to adore. With one, it took years to even get to a point where we could even be pleasant in emails, but time, distance and age has finally changed that. Another one I talk to twice a year, on her birthday I call her and she calls me on mine. It's something neither of us forget and have been doing it for 20 years. Ex or not, they come into our lives for a reason, season or lifetime. I'm thankful for those that have entered my life because it helped me learn more about myself. Sometimes relationships work better and last longer when you live apart. Maybe that's the reason some people can keep ex's as friends. |
I'm friends with the majority of my exes, but not all. I think I've been lucky that most of my relationships have been mutually respectful and supportive and the breakups have kept that tone.
There are a few where friendship wasn't possible. I don't hang out regularly with any of my exes, but we keep tabs on each other. Occasional texts or emails or calls, a few facebook friends. Just check-ins to make sure each other are okay. :) |
I have to agree with the concept that it just depends on why the relationship ended. If it was an issue where a trust was violated, then no, I don't keep people in my life that I cannot trust.
There are a couple I talk to on the phone to catch up on our lives, maybe, depending on if I feel like dealing with trying to hear on the phone, lol. (Those that have spoken to me on the phone know the reason for that). Of those left, I think I would call them an aquaintance now, after all, years would have passed, people change, so you really don't "know" them anymore. If I see them out and about, I'm cordial, ask them how things are going, etcetcetc, maybe, lol. But have them over to my house to sit down and visit for a spell, no, I wouldn't put that awkwardness on my wife (at that time). |
A few of my breakups have resulted in friendship.. And a couple haven't.. for me, depends on the situation, if there is a break in trust, or if i know that distancing them is better for my own well being.. i don't do well with intentional negativity.. But for the few i've been able to stay friends with, we actually make wonderful friends and it's a great thing.. No hard feelings, and i am friends with their significant others as well.. it's also a healthy situation for my children, in the sense they didn't have the bickering and well, their feelings were invested in my relationship with my ex too, they spent quality time with them and when we broke up, missed them.. so it's nice they still get to interact with them .. but it's never a close friendship either that we go hang out together or visit one another, that would be awkward for their significant other or one day, my significant other perhaps... i would always want my significant other to be 100% comfortable with me & anyone that i am friends with.. my significant other would come first.. But sometimes, friendship is just not in the cards with an ex, and distance is the better choice. i never wish them harm in any way, and always want the best for them.. but just know that friendship is not the right choice.. |
i tried making peace with ex's it just got worse shit out of it so i gave up tryin
|
my two greatest loves are now my best friends. I have been through hell and back with both of them and they know me almost better then i know myself. i think friendship is absolutly possible with exes of all forms. Even though the relationship never worked out, we grow from them. These 2 exes of mine have seen the absolute worst in me and when i get to that point, they can bring me out of it. Im also friends with many of my exes.
I think the other members have a point when they say it depends on the break up itself. My one relationship with this psycho, was the worst breakup i've ever had. Not to sound harsh but she can jump off a cliff for all i care, because it would make better place. She ruined my life. She has hurt too many other people i know. If you hurt my friends, we have some serious problems. Will i ever make peace with her? Probably not. I'm perfectly fine with that. |
there is one thing I cannot do right now is forgive my most recent ex or even some ex's from years ago.... most of them hurt me very badly and I dont think they deserve to be forgiven right now......... most of them are decent people who I am still good friends with and some are just nasty and lie to much.
|
I prefer remaining friends, unless they were really toxic, but as a rule, If I have loved you, even if the scope of that love has changed, I still love you, so why not be friends. Life is short and one can never have too many friends.
|
Quote:
|
I tend to not be friends with my exes. I have one or two that I may connect with from time to time, but not to really cultivate a friendship.
I hear others say that they obviously liked enough things in the person to date them, so why not be friends with them? I guess for me, I see it as being able to find other friends to meet those same needs/have similar characteristics that I enjoy. Additionally, I think that it is important to have space and distance after a relationship ends so that both parties can heal. When I have ended with people I have also found it to be the most kind approach to be honest, as I think that the one on the receiving end of the breakup has a harder time letting go if contact continues. I suppose after that I could reconnect, I just tend to choose not too. It can add difficulties in any new relationship you may have (in some cases), and I guess it is just not worth it to me? In reading this over it seems kind of harsh or that I can just cut off feelings for others that I have dated. That is not true, I still have warm feelings in my heart for many of my exes. I guess I see losing the friendship as kind of a side effect of ending a relationship. I have never had a nasty breakup, so that does not enter into my decision to not have friendships with exes. |
I have discovered that time is the magic wand. I can pray. I can do therapy. I can sit in AA meetings, confessionals, do 4th, 5th, 6th, ,,8, 9 steps, take revenge, do more steps, move on, fail at more relationships, hunker down, sit celibate, pout, turn green, then blue, go straight, turn right, then left, go back, stop. Find myself. stop running. just sit there. Be. Wait. Let it happen. oh there it is. Forgiveness. Of me.
everything else follows suit... |
I'm kind of with Dapper on this one. Except for prolonged and protracted disengagements, my contact with exes is limited. I can be cordial in a social situation we might both be part of, or acknowledge life events but I don't seek interaction or involvement beyond that which might happen by accident. Making peace, to me, is a part of healing. But the healing is not between us but within each of us. A part of them will always be a part of me, and their presence in my life will have helped me become who I am. But, to me, moving on means letting go of the past and looking toward the future. |
Quote:
|
Quote:
|
I would so like to say I did too many drugs when i was younger but really, it was just a stupid moment for me...lol...thank you!
Quote:
|
Im so glad I was able to part friends with most of my ex's... :) I really enjoy their friendships more than I did the relationship... :)
|
I'm very amicable with my childrens' father. I respect him deeply and he's a great guy. It's just that obviously, I wasn't able to love him in all ways that a woman loves a man.
Another "ex"-I say "ex", because we talked about a relationship and were intimate, but in the end decided that neither of us were in a good place to be in one. She and I are great friends to this day. There was no animosity, just lousy timing. |
I've been good friends/friends or amicable/friend-ly rather than friends with many ex's.
I've also had an ex that even though she pulled some unbelievable crap, I still care about her and hope she's doing well - though I can't be around her cause she still pulls the occasional crazy-making insanity. She's mostly good but it affects not just me but about three other people and it's just not a thing I want people to have to cope with - I don't want to feed into it.* some ex's, I'm hiya, how are ya even though I couldn't really care less but I'll be polite cause I can't be arsed to be arsed. If that makes sense. * and there's probably about two that if they are in the vicinity I would leave or hope they self destructed on the spot. And I actually mean that. They are severely screwed up narcissistic oxygen sink holes that the planet would be better off without. Not only do I feel they treat even the air around them like servile shit, their personalities grate on me. Listening to them talk "ME ME ME oh and another thing about ME is my ME ME!! HA HA HA Aren't I just so ME!!" in the same site/room/event is really difficult unless they are very very far away from me and I don't have to have their winey loud seagul squeal harping away cawing for attention in the background. * granted, I have a couple ex friends I feel like that about as well. They got on my nerves too much. now when I hear them at a dance/event/club it's like a dry steel wheel scraping against a bracket. mn. yeah. that's sexy. *ear plugs* -* * notes that these people are not on this site. I have harvested people in person, you know. |
Time is the key,Time heals,Time allows a romantic intimate relationship evolve into a freindship. We should allow time to do its job.
My two cents. |
The most significant relationship I had, barring my present one, was my marriage to my former husband. We were together for 23 years, and now continue to co-parent our children. I'd hoped we would be friends. We said we would, for all the reasons mentioned above. But, it turns out that the resentments are too deep and neither one of us seems to find any compelling reasons to nurture a true friendship. We are cordial as we can muster for the sake of our kids, and our own sanity, but we aren't friends. I may have loved him for all those years, but I find that I don't like him very much and realize that I don't have much respect for him. Sometimes this disappoints me deeply.
I'm friends with some exes, not so much with others. Having a personal value to remain friends with an ex is not something I aspire to. If I can develop a true friendship, then that's great. But, if not, then it wasn't meant to be. Sometimes whatever brought us together in the first place isn't enough to sustain a friendship when things go sour. |
some time ago an ex and i made peace...i am so glad that we did. i was struggling with addiction when we
were together. my using was too much for her. when i got clean a few years ago we reconnected. today we are very close friends who love each other. we have found our love for each other is very strong. it isn't romantic love but the kind of love that dear friends share. i am so grateful for what we have. |
I only have contact with one of my ex's..despite all the hard feelings and hurt,,to all my ex's I wish you well and hope you find your own idea of happiness..life goes on,,and so should we..
|
after having said all of the above, I need to also state I keep a small straw and tiny darts in my make up bag in my purse.
I have excellent aim... |
I am friends with all my exes. It hasn't always been an easy road to that friendship, but it happened. I believe that you don't stop loving someone just because you stop sleeping with them or you can't cohabit with them. There was something that drew you to that person to begin with and for me, as long as I knew in my heart they were good people inside, that was what mattered.
I think exes are a problem for a lot of folks. You either hate them or love them and sometimes have to explain to your new significant others why you are still friends with them. I have never let other people's insecurities influence my friendships with exes or anyone else for that matter. I live with my first ex. Five years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer and had to stop working for a long period, she had me come to live with her. She paid my bills and the truck note I had just acquired for over a year until I was able to return to work. During our relationship, we had fought like cats and dogs, but time settled a lot of that down and she stepped up to the plate even though she didnt have to. While there are times she still drives me crazy, I would never abandon her as a friend. Whenever I meet someone I always have to explain that situation to them and watch the eyebrows go up at the mention of living with your ex. My second ex left me for a man. We had lived together several years and it was a painful breakup for me. I stayed angry for more than a few years about it, but finally let go of all those hate feelings. I have visited her and her husband and found in some ways I liked him in spite of myself. She and I stay in touch. My latest ex and I are working through the friendship angle. I feel that since we were friends before and during the time we slept together, that the basis for friendship is already there and it should not have to disappear just because our relationship status has changed. It's not that you have to spend time with these people, but you don't have to purge them out of your life either, unless they have done something really rotten to you. I used to be pretty vindictive about people that hurt me, but I have learned to forgive. Sometimes that forgiveness doesn't come right away, but eventually it does when I know they are good people at heart. I also take responsibility for my part in whatever caused the split, a feat some folks are incapable of doing. I know I am loved by these women, even though we may not have a close relationship anymore. When I have been sick or in the hospital, they have come to see me or the phone calls increase, so I know they care. Having someone in your life that does care is half the battle, ex or not. |
| All times are GMT -6. The time now is 10:48 AM. |
ButchFemmePlanet.com
All information copyright of BFP 2018