Dating and Race
 

I am a bit backwards socially, as many of you know well, and I am hoping for support and feedback here. When is the socially appropriate stage to discuss racial differences when dating someone? Being shy and socially stunted tends to leave me seeming uncaring or uninterested because I don't bring up topics that I am unsure they are not appropriate. Like I'm the one the checkout clerks look up and see and think ok here's someone nice and they spill out their business to me right there. I am the type that will not even know how irritated the line becomes when I encourage said checker and practically have a therapy session right there. SO when someone else doesn't approach me with their feelings I am not very good at guess what they may view as the elephant in the room or I am ignoring the obvious... So I really need a group feedback on this... As the non poc in the situation when and who is best to begin the convo. Also just wanna add that to me its very important to know how she feels about it, if ever experienced it and be upfront about it being my first opportunity as no poc has yet liked me enough to pursue or date me.

Um, Dragonfly, I'm a POC, and have to say that somewhere between the checkout line and how "she" feels about "it," I've gotten totally confused. What, exactly, are you asking? :seeingstars:

okay
 

Because everywhere I go (no exaggeration) people open up to me and talk so eaily to me THAT my personality is not a convo starter. I wait fror others to socially clue me to appropriate levels of sharing info. My problem here and now is that I do not want someone I like to think I SHOULD have Already mentioned it and that I either am ignoring it or not comfy about it. I am asking for input on others personal expp how these convos went for them ect. I should just have asked the person I like but I wanted a broader range of feedback because I am not socially adept.

thanks
 

That was my natural feeling on it for sure... But I have read a lot of stuff here about how it shouldn't be her (a poc) job to come to me or to educate me and I was unduly confused that my priveledge perspective was clouding my judgement. I do care and want to know everything not just that.. thanks for sharing your experience!

Maybe approaching someone as a human first and a POC second would be a good idea. Everyone has had different life experiences so that makes every individual different. Yes most POC have had similar experiences as far as discrimination and stuff goes, but as individuals have dealt with them in their own way. I honestly don't know what you're asking but answered in the best way I could decipher the question.

I think I can understand why this person said this to you.

Conversations are one of the biggest keys to any relationship, whether it be friends or more. Sparking up a conversation is easier than you may think. If I can't think of anything to say, I normally ask an off the wall question to get that person thinking. Such as, If you had to choose to be an apple or an orange for a whole day, which one would you choose and why? Femmes normally choose apples because they normally have makeup that goes better with the color red. Think of a clever response, because once she answers, she will more than likely ask you the same. Eye contact goes along with conversations. Those who talk to you while not looking at you.... well, most likely they aren't into you or they may be shy depending on the rest of the body language. Now race should never play a part in the conversation at first. Just go with the flow and don't worry about all that. If you are dating someone of a different race, why would there be a conversation on racial differences? If you are dating them, then you obviously like them, right? So why even bring it up? Just saying.

yeah thanks
 

I knew this was the right place. Guess I was dumb to worry I was doing something wrong by talking to her like a person first and not asking about my race when I asked about what type (I D) they are attracted to. Just great...

I hate apples!

I do enjoy it when someone (be they
friend, lover, or mate) invests time
in getting to know my experiences, tragedies, and
triumphs as WOC.

I would hope whomever it is DOES
do their homework on their own and
doesn't rely on said POC's to educate
and make it more comfy for you.


Hope this helps.

P.S.~~~~. Tim Wise.org

:)

Just speaiking about someone I want to date and finding out if I am their type. That's it. Not about our differences but about dating me be new or already experienced it kind of wondering. That's it.

If you want to date them, date them you don't need our permission or advice. The person in question will let you know if you are their "type".
Try to relax, and just be yourself.

thank you
 

Yes!! I may not have a clue but I thought that was what I was trying to do here.
Sorry everyone. A very unnecessary thread obviously... And she is encouraging me to ask more questions and I thot I was missing some hint like I was supposed to ask that one too but there were more important things for me to know and we only had a short time to visit. She won't ask me out anyway. I see that now.

oh my...
 

If you only knew how I hyperventillate and get brain freeze just thinking about her you'd understand why I am soo nervous and shy and scared that will come across as not interested... I forgot names of things yes everyday household things... How can I be expected to post coherently?? Lol

You sound like a really nice person, someone
worthy of that will come along soon enough

thanks!
 

Just wanted to say thanks to everybody!! You guys put me at ease so when she called I wasn't sputtering. And really all I wanted to know is any and all experiences concerning it but where I am personally was basically "is it ok to ask do you date my race" in those early talks... Don't wanna crush so hard on anyone who may not see me as their type whether it be how I look act talk etc.. I think some conversations between others confused me mostly. Anyway, it would be cool if others use this thread for general interacial dating convos but I don't know how that works. Don't start threads and not really ever sure where I'm supposed to put them.

I have a beautiful, delightful, thoughtful, deep cousin who had a massive crush on a black kid in high school. She felt they had so much in common and she thought he was wonderful. After many months of flirting and getting to know him, she got up the courage to ask him for a date. He turned her down - he said he didn't date outside his race. She was crushed.

But she got over it. :) I think rejection hurts, and getting your hopes up hurts, but neither one is fatal. :)

This is not an area where I feel any sort of adeptness, but I will give this a bit of a try. I think your biggest question is whether this person likes you or could be interested in you - and it sounds like your interested in this person. Whether or not this person turns out to be interested in you, I'm going to second Snowy's suggestion that you visit http://www.timwise.org and other sites that discuss antiracism and the way white people act around race. I think otherwise, if you do have the pleasure of dating this person, you may end up letting her carry a heavier burden in the relationship - of having to deal with and carry painful stuff alone at times and possibly sometimes with you as the unknowing source of it.

I knew a woman once who used to joke to me when I was in the midst of reading and learning about white privilege and racism in earnest for the first time - she would say, "I'm not going to be driving Miss Daisy to her realizations about race." Otherwords, do as much of your own work as possible so the POC you know won't feel compelled or burdened unnecessarily by your not having done it. I think part of any serious relationship is being an ally and a friend as well as a lover. It's being there, it's having the other person's back. I think it's good to be equipped.

All that being said, I don't have a lot of experience dating outside my race despite some huge crushes in the past.

I have a hard rule against dating racists, and in my last two relationships I've been really lucky in this regard. Although my current gf (who is white) hasn't done a lick of reading on white privilege and racism, she is very sensitive and empathetic and seems to have a quick and natural understanding in areas where I was and occasionally still am blind. She says she remembers as a teen hearing her mother say something racist and she said to herself, "this cycle is going to end with me." That's a personal commitment of hers and I'm thankful for it.

i am still having some difficulty with what you've expressed, Dragonfly, and I take you at your word of being shy and socially inept, so such difficulties may be a combination of factors, including my own misperceptions. So, please hang in there with me as I try to get what you are saying.

Where I pause and scratch my behind now is why you need to ask if a POC dates outside of their race. Why can't you just ask for a date? Do you not think this other person recognizes that there exists a distinction between you?

And why is it important for you to know any and all of their "experience/s"? For ME, asking this, and I don't know you, don't trust you (yet), that would cause, at the least, much discomfort. It would feel, to ME, like you were doing a survey. Am I missing something here? Let me know. Thanks.

Ok thank you for asking publically so that anyone else reading with your interpretation and in depth analyzation can read my thoughts in response. I have never asked anyone on a date. I have never made the first move on someone I have been dating. I am 34 years old. Its not going to change just because of a slight variance in race unless I keep receiving info from supportive friends that given our area and such it really is a valid consideration. In this case since w dicussed so many likes and dislikes I am correct that it is Possible she has waaay more reason to fear hearing the same response I'm afraid of... You have no chance cause of how you were born. Maybe because so many times it is gender or sexuality differences that others have cued me by asking me first. When I said use this thread to talk about something other than why someone doesn't mention race among other things, when like you say "can tell the obvious differences" so I should be my usual passive self and let an opportunity pass me by or ask my peers for perspective somewhere we are encouraged to ask? I wasn't meaning my dates experiences or someone educate me I only meant use a useless thread I don't need because I took good advice already from a pm, that maybe others could talk about their experiences with interracial dating "on this thread" for support not driving miss daisy anything.

Uh, ok :goodluck:

Are you experiencing issues with dating outside
your race?

:/~ still confused

hi dear
 

Am I experiencing difficulties.... If you were to ask others around us they may say yes. But there are not enough intimate details on these posts for anyone to be able to speak for me honestly. Since the other person is my race plus another race I am not sure that is totally outside mine exactly , I was rightly worried she was not asking about my likes or limits concerning race( while was leading our "convo" thru the rest of the things people ask about like, what's your type ____? Kind of questions.) Did it just not matter to her to skip it but ask about I D related things or could it be that she was more leary to rush that question and connect other ways with race coming into our talks later when we are closer to share more sensitive experiences. I thot she wasn't asking me out and was still feeling things out before risking my rejection. I mean if I'm scared she and I connect like we do yet have no chance. I felt the same about my sexuality and I D but like I said I respond to NOT initiate so far. So in my comfort zone it was LIKELY I should have swallowed my stomach back down and made extra efforts I don't usually make. Feelling like you are gonna pass out hyperventillating in nervous crushing. Anywho it doesn't matter because as some have already said if she asks you out then she likes you. Well maybe I like her too much to take the chance some of you are not familiar with all the info.which is my reasoning for reaching out here... I mean if I can't handle a couple habitual online bullies or the occasonal judgement on me I got no business wasting anyones time and I am definately not ready to be carrying part of that load someone mentioned earlier. I personally think a thread like this has more help to offer than harm. Probably wrong about that and if my "crush" Or "future date" appreciated my consideration of how hard it may be to bring up for even a very dominant personality.... I feel I have all the support and insight I need from the person I like now... seeing that maybe I'm the only one who thought her not asking me was saying I should care enough to be a little uncomfy at least with one aspect, anyway by some miracle I'm not too big an idiot for her cause she really does like me and let me know with a convo about a hug coulda been longer or have more of them so we figured it out at the stage of this we are at. I think it helps if my possible date understands that while I have had many physical relationships I am very very limited experience with starting relationships before a friendship. Just one and it wasn't healthy.

Wow!

Color me lost:|

I really am trying to understand

I can't seem to

I am thinking of a John Lenon song, "Let it Be," right now ...

Thank you for trying to respond to our confusion.

So

I gotta be honest

You ask for help

Some of us POC did

Why are you calling out bullying

????

I THINK (and I could be so wrong) that she mentioned online bullies as part of her examples of how difficult it is for her to deal with potentially awkward situations? I get the feeling she wasn't talking about anyone or anything in this thread when she mentioned bullies.

But other than that, I got nothing.

I think (and correct me if I'm wrong, Dragonfly) that the OP was asking at what juncture it is appropriate to ask "So....do you date white people ever?"

Which, again. I got nothing. Because, and maybe I'm a moron (it's so possible) but it would never occur to me to ask that. And not because white people are SOOOOOO awesome that everybody should want to date us - but because if the OP and this person she likes are friendly enough that they are talking about how they self-ID and all that jazz (which according to the OP they have been) then it's fair to say that dating white people isn't outside of the realm of possible for this mystery person that the OP digs.

Yes I agree on a lot here except someone did point out something I was wondering about triggering me to reach out... It is REALLY possible where I live for someone to connect that way and discuss themself in those ways just to bond as friends. And given who I am it really scares the crap out of me to be like the wonderful cousin who invested so much time and they weren't close to being on the same page...? Anyway I don't feel attacked or bullied or anything like that and its not totally crazy for me to know exactly what me asking about this could bring. I really just like her THAT much.

Are you wanting to make friendships that are more
diverse?

wow weird you say that!
 

Weird we are both Beatles lovers and that's exactly what I keep singing in my head!!! So true I just had a goofy thought that maybe I wasn't giving enough effort is all... Thanks!!

No she wants to know if the woman who is POC that she is interested in likes white ladies. So she started this thread to see if people had input on when was a good time to ask the person of interest that question. They are past that now, I think. The reason everyone was confused, was because I don't think people normally have to deal with this situation (I know I don't) so it wasn't clear what she was asking?

sure
 

I guess I don't think about that as much as I should, I mean I don't look at someones outsides and even try to know their specific race anyway so until it comes up.... so that would be hard for me to list and check it off or something to create diversity. I have a wide range of types of friends. The ones who happen to be of the "non white looking" race she is... Well they do not date my race, though willin to be great friends, do not necessarily find my race to be possible life mates.. Their answers were more limited to that viewpoint. I hoped to hear from those that do date outside their race, and their opinions on comfort levels and being a good potential date/partner.

I've never dated outside of my race, I always date humans. However I have dated people that were a different color from me or have come from different cultures, even different countries. I have never had a problem, it has never been an issue. I guess I don't attract people that would even think to have to ask if I would date them because they are a certain color. I would rather not associate with people that limit themselves as far as skin color or culture goes because we won't have much in common as friends or otherwise. That could be me being narrow minded but I don't care.

Wait.

I'm human (AND not black?)? :poc-shocked:

Wow. :thinking:


Dragonfly,

I'm glad that you and the person you are interested in have been able to talk about yourselves and the possibility of dating. It sounds like you two have a lot to discuss, but keep in mind that there's a time and place for everything. There's no rush to have every race-related conversation right NOW. Take your time and just breathe.

You are a sweet person and I'm sure that she will see that and help you with any questions that come up along the way. :)

I am not shy, so bear with me please :).

Do you think it would be easier to be rejected because of skin color than because the person is just not interested in you?

I am not sure what kind of person you are attracted to, but I learned a long time ago to let people I am interested in know I am interested in a non-threatening way. No guessing games...I just ask them if they would like to hang out sometime or I ask for their email address or somehow make sure they know it's OK to ask Me out.

Because really, it does not matter who they usually date, it matters if they are attracted to you.

I would not have had/have the relationships I have had if I had not just sucked it up and made the first move. I like very masculine Butches and many of them can be a bit...well...clueless unless I make it known I like them.