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Dating "non single" people
Ok so the guy i'm so very in love with is not single, but he sees his bf regularly, does not live with him.. (w)
My Head says run an don't stop running. My Heart says i don't care, i love him, this is definitely love and the rest will work itself out. i chat to his mum regularly too so he's not hiding me or anything. :) But my reason for this post isn't him, it's me (mostly).. i really am in love (yes i'm a fool!) we talk every night, text all day, (and not just about sex lol) and he's coming over to spend new year with me, so even with the few issues i have, i am not debating my current relationship. However.. I "always" (like 90% of the time) want or fall for people i can't have, can't physically be with or are "non single" i already worry a lot about quite litterally everything i can seem to find anything to worry about, so i keep trying not to worry about this. i know this makes me a bad guy, but what's going on??? My first ever relationship was with a married woman but to be fair to myself, i do need to say, she let me beleive she was free and single, let me fall for her then told me she was married with two kiddies.. Talk about starting as you mean to go on. |
A relationship that starts in cheating, ends in cheating, at least thats how *I* feel. If this guys other partner knows about you, and is ok with you seeing each other, fine. But if they DONT know then respect the relationship and stay out of it.
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I sure am not an expert by any means. But, you post asking for advice/opinions so here is mine:
Follow your head. Sounds like real committment (an observation, not a judgement) is maybe an issue by wanting someone you can't have. That may be what YOU want and need. But, what about them and what you are doing to their lives/lovers? Stay clear, don't pass go, don't keep stirring the pot......for everyone's sake. It smells "trouble". Perhaps, one day, a relationship will come along that is free and clear and open and honest for EVERYONE involved. You may be ready at that point. Then, in my humble opinion, call it "love". Just my .2. Good luck to you. |
It seems pretty dysfunctional to date/fall in love with people who are committed to someone else. Maybe it's you who aren't available, and you just want something without any real chance of a relationship, have you thought of that? If so, then just date poly people who have primaries, or just date single people with the understanding that it won't go anywhere. Doing what you are doing now is just asking for a shit load of drama. Drop him. That's my .02
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I have been the woman at home, waiting for her man to leave his mistress.
it sucks. Its the worst imaginable pain. And I still bear emotional scars from it. I am not emotionally available because of this so I am staying out of relationships. I would rather be alone on my own than lonely in a bad relationship, and I wont do to some other person what was done to me. I wont take someone else's partner. take what you want from my post. Or take nothing. You are the only one who will determine if you will hear wisdom or act on your own design... |
I heard that! Great observation and great advice!
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If all parties involved know of each other then so be it, but if they don't, shame for shame.
Put the shoes on your feet, would you want someone sneaking around behind your back with your boyfriend? Lastly, it appears you are protecting yourself, ie, what are you so afraid of that you can't go out and cultivate your own relationship with someone who is single? What are you afraid of? Perhaps a little therapy would be in order to figure that out. That would be time more wisely spent than interfering in an established relationship. Just my thoughts. |
hi, thank you for all your replies, i beleive every single one of you have made good points!
I guess my ex has a lot to do with this too.. We still live together (she is also my paid care staff) although we haven't been a couple for many years, some friends beleive she is the reason i seem to attract or be attracted to non single folk, one example i was given is, my friend beleived if i went for a non single person, they couldn't (apparently) expect me to change my living situation etc. i know for sure my ex is the reason i posted here instead of talking to an in the flesh person.. i know for sure that even though she likes the chap i am seeing, she is so obviously jealous (which i don't understand).. i don't want to talk to her about this, which normally i would cause all my friends are online.. But that would be rubbing her nose in the situation, right? And i worry about telling her anything less than flattering about my situation as she already has the power to make my life a living hell!!! i don't want her to have anything to use against this chap! i am trying to get therapy, just waiting to hear back from the relivent people |
You obviously realize this isnt acceptable or attractive behavior or you wouldnt have posted....if you are unable to afford therapy or want to try another route...look into Codependents Anonymous, free meetings and can go or do online just about anytime...there may be some self esteem issues or other things that cause you to choose these types of relationships....just a sugestion
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I think you just answered your own question.
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I'm pretty open-minded and monogamy doesnt work for some people. Deception is a whole other matter and in situations where it is present it brews the worse krama of all. Someone is going to get hurt bad. As citybutch said, "you answered your own question." In my experience ex's complicate things but it sounds like its complicated enough without that.
If a person cheats they will do it again imo |
If he's cheating with you emotionally or physically and you guys get together he's going to do the same thing to you. You will become her. I know you probably won't listen but you should stay away. What begins in chaos ends in chaos. I feel bad for his girl that is just not cool.
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Funny, you know yourself so well...yet you don't. :thinking: Ever watched TV shows where someone sticks their hand in a Gators mouth? And you think, why would they do that? Then, they get bit. :seeingstars: The next week, there they are sticking their hand in the Gators mouth again. :| And you say to yourself...why in thee hell are they still doing that when they know they gonna get bit? :seconddoh: Marinate on that one for a while. :coffee: Oh, and Merry Groovy Holidays. :grinch: :daywalker: |
Happy Holidays!
Good luck figuring out if you want to be cheating, a cheater or whatever happens as long as you can look in the mirror at yourself and be ok then I say go for it. It's all shady from this standpoint, but in reality you are going to do what you want and where your desires and lusts take you. In the end it's about being able to look in that mirror and say, I live right, I can walk with my head held proud and I sleep well at night. |
To put my humble opinion on your situation briefly...
Are you out of your mind? To expand upon my thoughts further... First, your "ex" is your caregiver. The line between personal and professional relationship seems to be only one of the issues involved. An "ex" as an employee is never comfortable for anyone. Second...thats what you are, second in someone's life. If you are willing to settle for 2nd place so be it. Remember though, that 2nd place is 1st loser. |
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i don't remember ever being proud to be me, and sleeping at night is a major issue. i just worry i'm never going to be a good person, no matter what! |
June, i'm not going to be upset with others for their oppinnions, i asked for them, you take the rough with the smooth.
But that's exactly why this is good place to ask about stuff more veiws/oppinnions and less chance of direct bias (i hope) Thank you |
Invictus i aggree with every word, she is not my ex because i want it that way, nor is she my care because i want it.
idealy i'd like someone for myself, and for me to be theirs but it just never happenned. |
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If it doesn't bother you then keep doing what you are doing, we can only hope for the best for you. Sincerely good luck on whatever you choose. |
Love is within ones self, begin there and stay true to yourself. It seems you already know this situation is not healthy. I wish you happiness and love in your life. Perhaps then you will find what you want . Good luck !
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I do wish you the best in your choices and you can be a good person, anyone can. Just by you making this post and asking for opinions and being willing to deal with what's handed to you says that you have it in you to be a good person. I wish you a most wonderful Christmas! |
hi folks!!! Happy holidays!!!
i have read thru this thread and am guessing the partner doesn't know you are in the picture. So I am basing my response on this. i am wondering what the impact on trust issues amoungst peers we create from these kinds of situations in our queer culture. people more than once and I also have been third party witness to enough shady online and real time behavior that i wonder these kinds of things. i mean what if the other guy was potentially a candidate to be a really great friend? What kinda friend bridges are destroyed by feeding into these behaviors? |
What do you get from the relationship? What does he get from the relationship? Why can't he open up his primary relationship? Do you want him full time? does he want you full time?
There is absolutly nothing wrong with being a secondary, if that's what you really want... But settling on being second, just because that is the only way you can have the person in your life isn't that good a deal... Can you find out if him having an open relationship is even on the table? My thoughts are... Only do what you are willing to pay for... What are the costs? If you are willing to pay the price.. You have weighed all the sides and found that you still want what you want and are willing to permantly alter someone for your needs to be met (because anyone who has been cheated on knows.. It permanantly alters who you are) then own it... Say, this is who I am... What I want is what matters... If you are not wanting to be that person, then stop.. Don't be that person... That simple... You know what is going to happen if you continue on this road, someones world is going to be destroyed. Doesn't matter that you didn't mean it to happen, or that you feel bad about it.... You still do it, so own it... Like Snow said... Don't do anything that doesn't let you look yourself in the eye or makes it hard for you to sleep at night... It's that simple... |
you say your always seem to go after ones .. that you cant have??
well once and IF you get this one to committ to you.......and only you. you will lose interest...... yes??? and chase some other attached person...... cuz its someone you cant have . thrill is gone. and plus its cheating. |
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If you want to feel better about yourself, just make the right decisions and do what you need to do to make your life better. It just comes down to making a simple choice - do what is right or continue doing what you are doing. You have the total power and responsibility to make this choice. Not making a choice is making a choice too, by the way. Good luck and Merry Christmas! |
Hi Wheelie,
For me, there's nothing wrong with loving someone who isn't available, but there is something wrong with acting on it. If you're talking and texting all the time (and if any of it is about sex...even tho you laughed about "not all about sex"), then you're acting on it. They are already emotionally cheating on their partner...and you're the other player in that triangle. Again, just for me, that's never okay. An open or poly arrangment is a very different thing. If everyone knows and everyone is okay with it, then carry on and much joy to you all. It doesn't sound like that's what's happening here though. And cheating...whether it's physical or emotional...erodes trust in a big, big way. For me, that trust never comes back...and without the trust, there's no chance for the relationship. On the other subject....about always being interested in "not available" people...I have done this. The problem was in myself, and in my core belief that I didn't deserve a "real" relationship. I wouldn't have expressed it that way then, but that's what was going on. Counseling helped, writing helped, talking at length with a trusted friend helped...and I still struggled with it for a long, long time. I know where that came from for me now....but I would guess that it's different for everyone. What I know for sure....those "relationships" were incredibly damaging to me...and they made my problem worse, not better. I had to do the work first...then I had a chance for a real relationship. Best of luck to you. :rrose: |
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Like Invictus, I'm shaking my head at your primary caregiver being an ex, especially with her (forgive me if the pronoun is not correct) showing signs of jealousy at your interest in another. It's a VERY unhealthy place for you to be, much less bringing anyone else into the picture. I do understand that you are differently abled and do require care by another. Why does that person have to be your ex? What are you getting out of it? Free room and board? Is s/he working for free or next to nothing? You've got to weigh the benefit of having your ex do this for you with the other aspects of your life and the potential for disaster (which may be around the corner). I'm not going to waggle my finger at you about hooking up with someone who is not available. Plenty of folks have covered that point very succinctly and it feels to me as if you understand that the potential for emotional damage to all parties is high. Just think about this while you mull the rest of the responses over in your head: what does each person involved get out of this? The boy, the boy's partner, you, your ex and anyone else involved. That's a lot of lives to be toying with so I understand the weight on your shoulders. May the holidays and New Year bring you some much needed clarity. |
My advise is simple. Do be careful with your decisions, karma has an uncanny way of kicking one squarely in the ass. Good luck and Happy Holidays.
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Hey Wheelie..what I am worried about has nothing to do with the chap you are seeing.
I am worried about the suggestion you made that your caregiver could make your life miserable... to me, that smacks of the potential for abuse. And maybe some has already happened. I remember working in a domestic violence shelter and intervening with a woman who was in a wheelchair who was being abused by her caretaker, who was also her boyfriend, who was the one who was stepping out on her. The potential for abuse between you and your ex is there or you wouldnt have said that. Maybe you are picking people who arent available because you FEAR picking someone who you could openly fall in love with. I think therapy is in order...I also think you need to find a new caretaker, hun. Your life isnt going to be your own and that relationship is never going to end enough for you to move onto a real relationship until thats done... you are in my prayers.... |
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Wheelie, I don't think I can really add anything much to what's already been offered here by so many others. I do want to say one thing to reinforce my idea on this situation.
There used to be a dyke bar in Jacksonville, FL, that was owned and run by a very wise older Butch named "Jo". She had owned that bar for many,many years and she packed a .38 Special in the back waistband of her jeans. Jo always knew as much about what was going on out in the parking lot as she did about what was going on inside the bar. Over the cash register was a sign that said, "A wise monkey never monkies with another monkey's monkey". I've never forgotten that in all these years. Jo died so many years ago and that bar no longer stands, but that little sign of hers contained some of the best advice that anyone has ever given me. Good luck and think carefully before making a potentially disastrous decision. People have gotten shot over things like this. Theo :bouquet: |
Been there, done that...am currently in same situation with my "gf" but she claims to only still be with her daughters father for their daughter...that im the ine shes in love with. HOWEVER...im her best kept secret short of the few trusted friends we share. Im hidden from her family, HER friends, her coworkers...and even the one that does know about us,she denies that we have been together the past 4months..soon to be 5months. She " is waiting for the appropriate time" to end the 11yr relationship with her daughters father. They are NOT married. In fact hes never even asked her to marry him in 11yrs. The question is...Will there ever be an appropriate time for her to leave? My thought is no cuz theres never a "good" time to break up,unless its an abusive relationship. I no longer consider it a relationship between us cuz of the fact she still sleeps with him on the occassion she cant avoid it any longer and he raises hell cuz she wont. Im her first..yes i flipped her real quick! Be careful with ur heart...like me,it may not end the way we want things to be. I can fully sympathize and empathize with u here. I know exactly what ur going through!!! Do what u feel is best...no matter how hard it may be...i will be making the same step very soon! Much love to ya
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Would you like this to be done to you ....
It doesn't matter if he tell his mom or anyone else , it's wrong and it's cheating , very simple :) But your a big girl and you make your own choices , I think you are setting yourself up for a heart break , just sayin |
Kobi is thinking of buying everyone a copy of the book (not the movie) He's Just Not That Into You. The premise is simple, if someone is into you, they will show it with their actions - not their words. If you are not sure, if you have to rationalize behavior, if you have to make excuses, they are not that into you. The question is, do you want to waste time, energy, and emotion on someone who is conflicted, ambivalent, and unavailable, OR do you want to focus your energy, time, and emotions into finding the one who IS into you and who IS available? |
What he does with someone else, he will do with you. I don't share at all so I wouldn't be near this situation. I say respect yourself and walk away.
I've done some things where I co-opted my own sense of self-respect. Told myself it didn't matter. Well, years later, it still matters. You are better than someone's second thought, Wheelie. You deserve more than being the one who waits. You deserve all of his attention or he deserves none of yours. It's hard when you love someone, but you need to love you more. Hugs. Bottom line for me? It's better to be alone than to be forgotten. |
Betrayal is an awful thing. The love of my life, or so I thought betrayed me cheating and it deeply wounded me. Today you gotta jump through major hoops to get and keep my attention. I don't care how hot or horny someone makes me if they are unable to give me complete devotion, only have eyes for me, treat me like I'm the only girl then I won't be interested. I have standards and these standards won't allow what he's doing to you. Someone else might be more open- after all you don't really have a commitment and it seems to some degree you're both encumbered but as with almost any relationship someone invests faster and deeper.
I had a situation not long ago where someone caught my interest. They were recently single after a long relationship. I decided to investigate but take it really slow. There was a part of me that wanted to leap and to be honest my lust motor was full throttle. lol But there was no way in hell I was going to get hung up in drama nor settle for less then what I deserve. Soon into the exchange I learn that although broken up there's still an ex lingering in the background AND I then hear a confession that the EX ended it because HY cheated. Hy completed admitted it and said it was a mistake. BYE BYE BABY GOODBYE - deal breaker I don't hang with liars and cheaters even friends. I damn sure wouldn't commit to them or fuck them. |
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I would be poly for sure if I didn't need to be the center of the universe! lol I couldnt share because its all about ME! Try as I may that always takes over any analytical thinking. lol |
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Was this meant to be rude by asking if Wheelie Strong was taking his meds? I'm asking because I found it rude, but perhaps there is underlying information that I don't have.Or are you the BF? Confused. |
I deleted my post because I knew it was rude. I'm sorry Wheelie and folks.
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