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Eating Disorders ~
This post is an extremely hard post for me - & i couldn't find a thread on Eating Disorders, so thought i would make one.. i'm not one to start threads, but this is one i felt 'i' needed - and not sure if there are others here who could use this thread, but it would certainly be a huge help to me to share and have others share - because as strong as i feel some days - my everyday is a huge fight within, between temptations, my anger letting go of certain foods, practicing abstinence with the no-no's for me & mostly, trying to overcome the things of my past which serve as ways for me to break down emotionally - in other words trying to stop finding reasons to do this, and be a healthy, happier & more well balanced me.. i would like this thread to serve any kinds of Eating Disorders, not just ones like mine, because i've learned in my meetings, many feelings and are quite similar and i constantly learn & grow into a stronger me when i share and when others share with me.. The support & encouragement is much needed, at least for me.. A little about me: *takes a deep breath* i'm on a journey to a healthier, happier me.. The hardest part of my journey so far has been admitting not only that i have an eating disorder, but that i needed some serious help.. Admitting it to myself has been a huge step in itself, but letting the people who care about me know was almost just as hard - because now i'm kept accountable. i have been formally diagnosed as a binger & purger (i was diagnosed as bulemic in my younger years) and stems from that, of course.. the first few years, i binged & purged however for many years after, it's been binging once my doctor found me out, with the occasional purging when my emotions get the best of me. i have a lot of anger towards letting go of my food, binging (and purging) has been a source of comfort for me for years.. It was my peace of mind, when i had no control on anything else in my life, i could control that. Over the course of about 10 years, i have pushed family and friends out of my life, i stopped doing things for myself and i let my self esteem sink .. my weight gain has been a source of pain for me, and anytime i lost weight, i did so the unhealthy way - and it's very hard for me to wrap my head around letting go of foods and not eating emotionally and letting go of the anger within... it would be so much easier to starve myself, or purge what i eat and lose weight - but i'm learning the healthier thinking pattern and i know deep down this is stinkin' thinkin' and i need to work everyday at being a healthier me - it's now going to be a lifetime commitment. i have been to counselling sessions, i have attended some various groups for stress, and coping - and i've even attended some OA meetings, online as well as offline.. i am working on sharing this side of myself, because for so many years i've been hidden, for SO many people in my life, even my own children and i have a lot of people in my life who care about me and love me, and i want to be healthy and extend my life - not dig my own grave.. i have so much to live for, and in saying all of this, i am admitting i need further help - sharing my daily struggles, my moments of weakness or celebrating my strengths.. (it's sooo important for me to find ways to really celebrate my strengths these days) i often post in the Healthy Weight thread, and feel GREAT when doing so.. i get so much motivation there about staying on track and healthy tips etc.. But this, is a motivation i need of a different kind and i know that thread isn't about Eating Disorders and getting help.. i have contemplated starting this thread for awhile now, but i'm shy, and admitting this truth of mine is difficult.. But the more i do, and the more resources i have for help, the better for me (and possibly anyone else who struggles also).. If there was anyone else who wanted to share, or post here i'd be so appreciative.. But if not, i could certainly use the thread to get my own thoughts and struggles out.. Everyday is something it seems, and i'm so tired of beating myself up.. i need to seek help, i AM seeking help... Even if its just getting this out to the Universe - it's something a little more than the venues i have right now... i also know this is a very touchy topic and not everyone wants to share publicly, i am open to making friends who are in similar situations, and am a PM away, because as much as i need the help myself, i'm a great ear for listening - and would lend any advice i could of my own too. |
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((((((Sylvie)))))) It takes a lot of courage to talk about things that are so very personal and i am so proud of you for sharing your story. I was once anorexic. I was in my early 20s had a baby, a really bad life, was gay and in a bio marriage to a "not so nice" person. I would go days and not eat. I got down to 50 pounds under my ideal weight. It wasn't a body image problem. It was a "i hate my life" problem and this was the only thing i knew i could control. And, oh i did. My family and my friends were constantly begging me to eat, it made me more determined not to. The days of not eating grew longer and then i went almost a week. Finally, i was admitted into the hospital. I was so runned down and so frail and weak. The docs were going to start tube feedings but i refused. I'm still not sure what happened. But, one night i was laying in St. Mary's hospital bed and a nun walked in. She saw me crying and she sat with me for hours and helped me see that life is what you make of it. She reminded me of that little baby i had at home that was totally dependent on me. That i had good parents who loved me and were there for me. I was being selfish. It clicked. I was lucky. To this day i'm sure she doesn't realize she saved my life. Sometimes it takes a light bulb moment or a friend to touch your heart in a way that just works. But, the eating disorder doesn't ever fully go away and it is always a struggle...i believe that anyway. I still have to be careful to eat sometimes. But, i don't do this on purpose any longer and i certainly, by any sense of the imagination, have an underweight problem. But, food taken or not taken is a controlling power that is easily used and abused when we hurt deeply. I feel for you honey. I am so happy you are making good choices about yourself. I am proud of you. I am proud of me. You are right, it is wonderful to get that positive energy flowing and i feel that from you. :) |
courage
Sylvie,
I just wanted to applaud you for your post, your honesty, your struggle against that disease, and applaud you for your COURAGE in your fight. I am closely allied with several Eating Disorder Facilities in this country, and know the fight that people with this disorder have to deal with on a daily basis. I also KNOW first hand from these facilities that people CAN and DO recover! I wish you strength and continued courage in your fight. Ann |
i think pretty much everybody knows i'm a recently-recovered anorexic, as i have discussed it on a whole buncha threads now. for me it was caused by extreme partner abuse. when i finally got out of the situation i figured the fact that i had survived meant i was ok- but the trauma from that situation stayed with me and controlled everything for the next two years, manifesting in a very extreme way in my anorexia but also in a whole host of other compulsive and isolating behaviors so the moral of the story is- seek counseling for trauma! don't just assume you can limp out of Hell and into the rest of your life without processing it- because one way or another you'll be forced to deal with it! :hk13: |
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So having that light bulb moment where i realized a/the damage i was doing to myself and my body and b/ the damage i was doing to those who loved me and i kept pushing away happened one day... i had started a self journey of trying to build my self esteem and was at a plateau, where i needed to face some things about myself which were continually beating me down and not letting me make real progress - this being one of those things.. so it was time to come to terms with it, even if it was just telling my doctor and secretly trying to get the help... Of course, over the time of counselling, it became apparent i needed more than my doctor to know and i gained a real need to overcome this, or to try for the sake of not only me but the people who love me.. Today, i have a drive everyday to be better than this - and most days i use my tools and resources to keep strong.. i have talked about my Eating Disorder with a few people in my life (my children, Mtn, my parents, some family and some people i work with) because in all of these areas of my life, they help keep me accountable... Most days, i am content with that - then i have some hard days which aren't so easy and i get bent up with that stinkin' thinkin' of mine.. And i know that struggle of feeling selfish, and guilty.. that feeling is so overwhelming.. Day before yesterday after a long while of doing so well, i had a bad day.. i binged (not near as bad as i would have) because the guilt took over - and i didn't have to purge, however i merely have to think about doing so and i can be sick when i am in that state of mind, and i was some.. So this post not only is for a means of support for me, but i'm trying NOT to be hard on myself and to take each day as a new day.. But the feelings of selfishness, guilt and ahhh, disappointment, i can't even describe right now.. how does one stop being so damn hard on oneself, i need to forgive myself and keep moving forward and not dwell on this so much.. i think other people sharing their situations with me, may be exactly w hat i need in finding my way to self forgiveness, or at least seeing its possible.. i know it has to be a process and probably different for everyone.. Niki, (((((huggggs))))) , i can't express how thankful i am that You shared this with me..and i truly am so happy that you not only had your light bulb moment, but that it's not dictating your everyday or that you dont struggle so hard with it now..i would love that for myself one day, some days i feel willing and able, but i get reminded often i'm no where really near that.. Maybe this will be a struggle for life for me, right now it's about dealing with the inner stuff and situations of my past, finding forgiveness for people.. but mostly, forgiveness for myself, and healing.. truly healing... and learning different ways to deal with my emotions.. So your sharing inspires me, very much and i'm so grateful - your sharing has been a tremendous help to me in the past re: my father, and your ability to be so honest and helpful, makes me smile big.. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, xoxox |
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i am fighting, and continue to fight...thank you for your kind words & support.. ((((Ann)))) |
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i, too, now know that i developed this as a young child due to events in my life as a means to have control over something - in an appointment i had for an intake to diagnose me recently, they told me i was diagnosed as a bulemic - and this was something i didn't know.. Since finding that out, i am coming to terms with the fact that stuffing the hurt down all these years has not been a help to me, and needing to deal with it.. Counselling was a huge factor in my wanting to help myself more.. i really appreciate your advice, and will continue to seek help through counselling and the courses they've been suggesting for me.. Right now, i am visiting a dietician on a regular basis and also getting ready to start a course called Craving Change - after that i start cognitive behavioural therapy.. All these things combined with the therapy and programs thus far, are helping me have healthier thoughts as far as eating and exercise and treating myself better in the longrun.. But also, to help really deal with those past demons as well that have been a source of constant hurt and easily triggered - which caused me to hurt myself more deeply.. Vicious circle.. Thank you again for your advice and sharing your story.. i really appreciate hearing your thoughts, so much.. ((((dc)))) |
Last night, i attended an OA meeting online.. i find this a useful tool for me, because the OA meetings here in Saint John are only on Monday nights and Saturday mornings, which is when i almost always work.. It is nice to know i have something i can depend on when necessary in the comfort of my home..but i need to learn to USE it more, even on days i feel strong, to help me build strength to overcome the challenges coming to me .. The online meetings are daily, and every 3 hours, so it's always convenient to find a time to go.. Last night, however, was the first time i was taking something negative from the meeting.. And i managed to get ahold of my own thoughts and removed myself from the meeting, recognizing that it's NOT what i can and will be doing to myself anymore - and so it was a nice feeling to have that bit of control - i felt good that i felt strong enough to overcome those bad feelings .. (celebrating my success at any level is important) Practicing abstinence is one of the most difficult things i've had to do, especially with 2 teenagers who forget what i go through and bring no-no foods into my safe zone.. It takes every bit of strength i have in me to walk away or not obsess how much i want a taste too...i feel weak and want to be strong enough to handle being around people and the food they choose to eat, and not obsess it.. Not going places with certain friends such as restaurants or get-togethers, because they refuse to understand the battle i have each day and still wave temptation under my nose as a means to drive me crazy.. One of those people being my father, who will deliberately bring something into my house without my realizing, and then eat or drink it smacking his lips and saying mmmm, don't you wish you could have some too? It's simply not nice, and i know i have to be vocal about him NOT doing that, not in my home - it will no longer be tolerated.. (but i just wish i had the strength to NOT let these things bother me anymore, sigh) ... one day, hopefully! As a binger, prior to getting help, there were many instances i would grab something and hide someplace and stuff it in my mouth, whether hungry or not..At home, my safe zone "then" was having the ability to get as much junkfood, or piling my portions on my plate at mealtimes as high as i wanted to, and eating until my body couldn't handle anymore.. The amounts of food i stuffed into me every single day is alarming, and downright embarrassing.. i try to think of these things, to help me gain strength to be a better and healthier me today.. |
I'm not a binger and/or purger...I'm not a good thrower upper and if I am doing so, please get me to the hospital asap as it's usually a sign of me being terribly ill...but I do have an unheathly emotional connection to food.
For me, I'm not sure it's so much about control as lack of control. When I eat, I zone out. It's like freaking happy time for my mouth and I want more, more, more. Last year, I started a food journal and workout log and worked out and really paid attention to what I was putting in my body. I felt better and lost a good chunk of weight. Then I started at my job and I was so darn tired from the commute and work itself (I spend at least a quarter of the day outside, which is quite wearing on the body in this heat) and the last thing I wanted to do when I got home was think about what I needed to eat and/or working out. It's taken the better part of a year, but I've gained all my weight back at this point. Now, I'm in that floaty place where I know what needs to be done, know that I can do it (after all, I just did it not so long ago) but the motivation to do it is just not there. And so, I sit here idling away. No worse, no better. Come to think of it, I take back what I said earlier. I do binge. Was it you, Sylvie, that said 'as much as my body would hold'? Well, I go beyond that sometimes. To the point that I look, honestly, like a pregnant woman in the beginning of my third trimester. It's terribly uncomfortable and just makes me feel worse once I realize just HOW much I ate. I appreciate you starting this thread. Motivation and celebrating the good things, small and large, are definitely helpful in gaining more control over one's eating patterns. I look forward to reading more. |
I never thought I had an eating disorder untill I had to face the fact that I had near eaten my way to being a diabetic,even then I was in denyal for a while.I mean fruit is healthy...right....bread is or was supose to be good for ya.I mean food is what keeps me going from one carb high to another day after day.What really brought it to me like a cold slap in the face was over the last mardi gras season,I was takeing some pies that had sat in the friges for a fue days so I desided to throw them away...I did ok till the last one,a pecan pie.I walked to the fridge to take it out to the trash on way out the door I picked up a fork ..one more bite for the road.....wrong...I sat on the trunk of my car at 10pm stuffing as much pie in my mouth as I could.I swear I heard a voice say, Hey fool look what u r doing,I stoped to c who it was then I realise it was my inner voice telling me each bite was like playing russian roulett one bite at the time.I had to finaly admitt I was ging to have to own up to my eating habits and fast.Over all now some months later I have changed my eating habits slowly one day at the time to where im in controle of what goes in my mouth.I journal every thing I eat and journal how I feel before I do anything..it has kept me acountable to myself.I have lost weight,inches and two pants sises,I have gone from 303 to 249 since January of this year.I have some more to go but I know I can get there and maintain it when I do.
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Just a note, purging isn't just about throwing up. There's various ways to purge.
Also, purgers can have some very serious medical conditions on down the line if they keep this kind of behavior up for too long. Upon hitting menopause (age 46, early menopause also caused by purging) I found that I had the bone density of an 80 year old woman. After years of medications and lots and lots of Calcium and Vitamin D, I'm now up to Osteopenia, but it took years to gain that bone density back. |
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Yes, i did say that i would binge as much as my body would hold.. When i said that, i meant exactly what you meant cept it wasn't explaining it right, my body can hold much more than my appetite allows me, so my overeating is stuffing things inside me regardless of how full and digusting i feel, it 'is' a horrible feeling, especially when i finally shake myself out of my food coma and feel the effects of abusing my body the way i had.. My emotions of course take over, and i am SO hard on myself, and i get the negative thinking within, that im worthless and deserve to gain that weight back and it just shakes my confidence altogether that i've spent so long building up to keep myself motivated.. Then it becomes a vicious circle if i dont stop myself, now that i've binged and probably gained weight, i may as well eat that dang cookie, cuz its not going to matter.. Oh and well may as well eat junkfood for the rest of the day now and start new tomorrow.. my tomorrow really never comes, when i get in that frame of mind.. i know the bloating and feeling like a pregnant woman - i deal with that often too and it's strange when i stay on track, i notice mostly in my stomache that i lose first, so just goes to show what doing this to myself really does.. i'm so sorry about gaining your weight back Gemme, i didn't realize but you CAN do it, even when working.. We should work together and find ways to eat healthier and a workout routine around our work hours, i could really benefit from a healthier plan while working.. i do well on my days off or my short workdays, but i get myself in a real pickle when i'm working... i also deal with emotional overeating, thats one huge stressor on my binging right there.. Monday, i got upset over the fact i had to delay the trip by two weeks to go see Mtn, i was to leave Sept 14 and now had to move it to Oct 3 due to passports - my heart was SOOO set on Sept 14.. What did i do? i lost control and overate , my portions were ridiculous and i felt SO awful for what i did, that i started again being hard on myself and again just not paying attention to what i was eating again and i really had to get myself back on track.. my weigh in today showed a 4 lb gain.. :: sad sigh :: it's going to be a rough day, i can feel it.. i'm trying so hard not to be hard on myself, but 4 lbs in one week? takes me a friggin' week to lose 2 lbs! thank you for sharing with me Gemme, and thank you for being happy for this thread, if any of you can use it or find benefit of having this thread here too, then that makes me happy.. i was scared to post it because a/i have a hard, hard time sharing this part of me, and b/i was scared no one else would understand or want to post in here.. i know it takes a great deal of courage to admit these things, and thought at least if i put it out there, even if people didn't post, someone might be reading and benefit from my struggle in some way to help themselves.. So, the same for any of you who post too, i really, truly thank you! Not only helps others, but me as well! ((((((((Gemme))))))))) |
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i often worry about diabetes as well and honestly, i have no clue why i dont have it, considering the amounts of food i have eaten , high in sugar, salt etc.. i get tested every so often and it always comes back with great sugar results, so ive been very lucky.. Not to say it wouldnt have happened if i would have continued though.. But i sooo know the feeling, on that binging and devouring the food and hearing that voice.. my voice sadly tells me the opposite, to keep going.. i know it's a bad thing and that's my fight right now, keeping myself accountable and making these changes despite what the inner me is telling me to do.. i kind of have to step outside of myself sometimes and look at the big picture, what my goals are and what do i have to do to achieve them.. But it takes one little mistake of putting something in my mouth that i shouldn't to throw me all out of whack.. i keep saying i am going to be faithful about journalling what i eat.. i started doing it a few times and never kept it up.. i do know its important to do, and should, because seeing it there in print would probably help me stay on track more.. thank you for sharing Rockinonahigh, i sooo appreciate it and keep up the great work! |
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You are so right, it's not just throwing up.. for me, personally, thats what purging has been, but i know there are other methods and i'm glad you brought this up.. my scare has always been how what i am doing is affecting my health, i'm 38 years old now and after doing this for so long i am 'now' feeling it more in ways i never have, and knew it was a matter of time before something would impact my health negatively.. (or even moreso, i should say).. i didn't realize purging could bring on early menopause.. To be honest, i'm petrified to look up what i've been doing to myself and what things could happen to me, i've always avoided looking..(sad, i know) But, important that i'm wanting change, now.. i think a big reason of why i started this thread is knowing i would learn from others, if they were to share, and would motivate me to be more aware of what i do to myself when i do these things...i need to be deal with the truths, and be honest with myself, of course.. i soo appreciate you sharing here, Stevin.. and thrilled that you gained the bone density back and are finding yourself in a healthier place.. that is wonderful! |
Today's Update: weighed in this morning, to a 4 lb gain.. :: sad face :: i am struggling emotionally, i wanna throw it all to the wind and give up, but seriously, it's 4 lbs.. i know i can lose that again, and i know i made some bad choices which is why i gained it... Jennifer said in another thread, that i should celebrate the overall loss, because it's still a good loss of weight.. Sometimes it really helps to hear the positives and motivation from others, and that's why i have this thread.. it not only keeps me accountable, but motivated.. i made the mistake of binging on Monday, and although i didn't physically stick my fingers down my throat to purge it, i am able to do so just by thinkin it, and it will come up.. my body is trained to act on my want or need to do it, which is a pretty scary thing sometimes.. i didn't fully void all the food i had consumed, only a little because as i was, i was so disappointed in myself for falling back to old habits... The overwhelming guilt i had for keeping the rest of that food in, however... i can't even explain, i had the inner fight with myself - and so now today, seeing that weight gain made me think back to "why didn't i just DO it".. now, i'm mad at myself for even thinking that. While i have the stinkin' thinkin' within me still, i also have the healthier thinking too, and know that i need to make changes.. so my thoughts get overwhelmed at times like i am spinning in circles and can't find my way!! VERY thankful for this thread today - getting this out there, helps me see i CAN and WILL get back on track.. This is a bump in the road, not a reason to give up! |
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For me, I find that working helps me to keep on track. Well, at least for the first part of the day. I have my fairly healthy breakfast of oatmeal, raisins, walnuts and skim milk and then I pack my lunch, which is usually a sandwich and some fruit. I tend to bring an extra banana in case I get hungry before my lunch. But then again, my lunch hour is set and my schedule is much more streamlined and routine than yours. My trouble comes at night. I sit in front of the telly and zone out or play online and nibble at this and that. My switch that says "I'm full" doesn't work at night. I can, and have, put away more food in that one hour than I have all day. I know it's largely a case of mindful eating. But that takes time. When I'm home, I multi-task. Even now, I'm here but I'm doing laundry and eating breakfast. Simply Orange juice and turkey sausage, which isn't horrible, but I'll probably add on something really bad like ice cream. The structure of my work days help me and my days off are harder for me to control. I get that 'it's my day off and I don't want to do anything' feeling which leads to more laziness and general overeating. I have developed a bit of a Coke problem lately too. Ebon and I have joked about it, but it's true. I used to drink soda once in a while and I'm now downing several a day. I'm drinking my calories, basically, because it fills me up and then I'm not hungry when I should be and so I wind up eating later.... Eh, I know I will work it out. It's just this time in between, when I'm realizing where I was and how far I've let myself slide, that's really difficult to deal with. As for your weigh in, I have found that the most honest way to weigh in is right after I get up and go to the restroom, but before breakfast and coffee, etc. As you go about your day, you add food and drink that has sodium (water retention and bloating) and sugar and just weight in general. That's one thing that I learned a while ago and, when I do weigh myself, I try to follow those parameters for as honest a number as possible. TD, I didn't know about the other ways to purge. The image of the "typical" person with a binging/purging eating disorder is pretty much burned in my brain from all those after school specials and news reports. Female, teens to early 20s, etc. even though I do know that males also battle eating disorders too and that it's not about the person's shape (big, little, medium...can all have one), so thanks for adding some clarification. |
Gemme,
i am SOOO the same way, i swear that it felt as though i was reading my own words right there.. At work, i find it much easier to stay on track too, mostly because we get busy with our shifts and then come breaktime, we have half hour which between that and talking with the others, it's pretty easy for me to stay on track.. i find it much worse when i come home, because i work til 7pm.. and i dont want to eat at work, the food isnt the healthiest there, but getting home at 7pm, showering and THEN eating, i find myself eating at 8 or 830pm.. course, going from our afternoon break til when i can eat at home without eating, by the time i am home im famished.. it's SO easy to fall off track because of this, so a real struggle of mine too.. i'm definitely a picker, grab a lil of this and a lil of that but i am not mindful to how much i am taking in altogether.. it never feels like much when i am just taking a bit of this and that.. i got myself off of sodapop back in April and can honestly say thats something i have NOT done since.. however, i will admit i was so down this morning, i threw change into the pop machine at work and got diet pepsi, and i took one sip of it, and the guilt took over and i poured it out down the sink and tossed the can to recycling.. Why i did it, i dont know. . i think i was so mad at myself for the 4 lbs, so i was punishing myself or something... i dont even crave it these days anymore, so wasnt that i was craving it at that moment, think i was just ready to beat myself up or something.. Glad (now) that i poured it out, that was the best decision i could have made today.. but, ugh! i know the sodapop frenzy well, i used to drink it all day everyday, til i quit it.. i was buying a big bottle of diet pepsi and drinking it all myself through the run of a day and sometimes going back for more! i didn't get water or anything else in my system, what a load of sugar! my days off are also days i want to overeat, mostly out of boredom.. i could push myself out for a walk, or to exercise, and i feel more motivated to be good to myself, but when i am watching tv or playing here online, i want to eat out of boredom, or by habit because i always ate and snacked while watching tv or here online... especially when i binged.. Just right now, even.. sitting here spilling my guts about how hard it gets, it's taking everything not to go to the corner store and buy the potato chips and stuff i'm craving and eat it, ALL of it.. This morning, i prepared dessert for the residents for lunch, chocolate chip cookies , homemade.. Damn, why did i get stuck gathering those cookies all up and getting them ready??? They looked soooo good, but i stayed strong.. Well, sort of.. i went to the staff lounge, and sat at the table by myself and cried my eyes out.. Over cookies! Thank you sooo much for the tip on weigh ins.. i weigh in at work, but maybe i should buy myself a scale.. i'm scared i will obsess and weigh myself constantly.. so figured i would weigh in at work, one of the managers keeps track of my weight lost etc for me, and i use her scale, she has a weight watchers digital one... i go once a week that way, but maybe it would be better if i had one on my own... |
Good point. For a while, I did obsess about weigh ins. I was also trying to learn better how certain foods/meals/etc affected my weight, though, so I'd weigh myself before and after working out to see how much I'd sweated out and after each meal and I can honestly say that I did learn some valuable things. But you are right...it is very easy to become obsessed with the numbers on the scale.
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When i was in my 20's i found myself fighting my way back from bulimarexia...an ugly cycle of binging, purging, restricting, obsessing, smoking like a chimney, living on chewing gum - sugarless of course and black coffee, exercising constantly well into the night, sometimes all night...
At the height of this i wouldn't eat in front of anyone; was addicted to laxatives (Correctol being my fav since it was pink) taking as many as the entire card of 15 tablets any time i put food in my mouth so food would pass very quickly; was also so addicted to ipecac that my fav pharmacies finally refused to sell it to me but i found it at a grocery store and bought every bottle they had as often as possible... i wore designer clothes and looked wonderful (according to my Mom)...but i couldn't sit in a hard chair because my tailbone was poking out and it hurt, my hair thinned, my nails became brittle - they have never really recovered and 25 years later are still thin and misshapen, the enamel on my teeth was destroyed, sleep had become a foreign concept...i was so controlled by this i could go for 2 weeks or more without food and for a while wouldn't even swallow my own saliva... Then Karen Carpenter died... That got my attention because until then i didn't realize this could kill you and we shared a fondness for ipecac. i was scared and sought help and stayed in therapy until the behaviours stopped but never dealt with the underlying causes until going back into counseling last year. i've had to accept that this will never leave me... i've had to learn to love me just the way i am... i've had to learn to accept that i will always be wary of every bite of food that goes into my mouth... And i've had to learn that when my whole world seems to be spinning out of control i will always find myself wanting to fall back into some of those comfortable, familiar patterns, that there will be times when i will slip back into them...and when that happens i need to forgive and nurture myself... |
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I was afraid of laxative addiction b/c i had heard you could end up with a colostomy bag forever- i decided i was going to outsmart that and just have multiple daily enemas- haha guess what- long term effects the same i got so bony that it hurt to lay on the bed and i couldn't go through doors with my hands full because opening it with my hip was too painful the scary part is that i still think i looked great and have moments where i really resent my recovery then i remind myself of how lonely it was- i couldn't go anywhere or do anything because there are calories in every social, family, and professional event and there is still a little voice that whispers "there must be a way to get back to a 16 BMI and still have a life" |
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The hardest thing for me to accept when i began my journey back was that this will be with me forever. Breaking my use of laxatives was extremely painful. i was fortunate that the father of a good friend was a doctor and was willing to "assist" me when things became "difficult." Fortunately i didn't have any lasting consequences from the laxatives. The ipecac addiction was of great concern for many years and i still get my heart checked annually because of the occasional funky rhythm i inherited from my grandmother. But there doesn't seem to be anything of concern there either. Do remember how comforting that self-imposed exile felt? Whenever it crosses my mind i have to stop and ask myself "what was i thinking?" |
Are there any books people find helpful? I just love the book "Wasted" by Marya Hornbacher.
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it was very safe....infinitely predictable. now i feel like life is really chaotic and i go back and forth on whether that's a good thing Quote:
Portia DiRossi's book was the very best- the most honest about the aftermath of making the decision to recover. Other books either end just after the decision, or gloss over the things you desperately want to know, like "exactly how much will i gain?" Portia told all. |
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i don't know where you are with this or how long you've been on your recovery journey. mine began 25 years ago and over those years i had to learn to accept this is a day by day thing, at times it will be moment by moment and sometimes even bite by bite. i confess that at the moment there are 2 bottles of recently purchased ipecac on the counter in my kitchen...also nothing new for me. From time to time (when stressed, struggling or going through some sort of dark times) i pick up a bottle or so. They will sit there until i feel that i no longer need them and then i will throw them away - unopened (well, unopened is the goal). We are by no means weak, oh no no no! We need to learn to rechannel the tremendous strength and self control/regulation that enable us to maintain those destructive behaviours. It doesn't happen overnight and takes a lot of work but it is possible. |
Another favorite book of mine is Home Sick by Jenny Lauren, Ralph Lauren's niece. She developed permanent, very serious stomach problems. She used A LOT of Ipecac throughout her youth.
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i've been having a really bad week.. i've been hard on myself, and that's why i've been offline, until things improve.. i'm having a very hard time getting myself back into a healthy headspace about this, it's so easy to want to fall back to old habits.. So right now, my time offline has been about using my tools and resources and getting myself back on track.. It all went downhill from gaining the 4 lbs back - i swear this is the toughest struggle of my entire life.. i was repped last week (i just seen it tonight) and it said "No beating yourself..... falling on your face is still moving forward!" - how true is that? so i'm writing it down and i'm pinning it up in a few places, on my bedroom mirror, on my refrigerator and a few places i look often - i need to remember this! (thank you Inked Trinity for that) .. --- i have been attending meetings everyday - & just want to extend a huge thank you to those of you sharing in this thread but also those of you who have repped and messaged me privately - it's sooo appreciated.. i really, really need this, so much, it not only helps me to understand my own crazy emotions, but also helps me and motivates me to stop my self destructive behaviours.. i have to believe i can do this & need to get back on track! |
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it's funny how i can build myself up for so long, and then downspiral SO quick... i can do this too - ((((dc)))), i would love to read Portia's book as well, think that will be my next book purchase, actually! thanks for suggesting that, i remember seeing it on Ellen one day... ((((Jenn)))) thank you for your book suggestions too! i soo need to action buying them, the more resources the better! and i know your read suggestions rock! ((((Miss Scarlett)))) i am so understanding when you said the hardest thing for you to understand is that this will be with you forever... i struggle with that the most, i know this will be a lifetime commitment... And reading your words, rang true for me, the thinning hair, the enamel on your teeth, brittle nails.. i have a very hard time eating in public, even today.. i dont like people watching me eat, unless they are people in my comfort zone, like close family, a partner, etc.. what i need to work on - forgiving myself..and moving forward and trying again! |
(((((sylvie))))) Punkin you can PM me any time you need to talk.
BTW - cry...it's not silly and in fact i highly recommend it. Quote:
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Journaling
While packing up things for my upcoming move i came across my old food journals. The ones i kept before i started recovery were interesting and very different from subsequent journals.
In minute detail i kept accounts of date, time, food - amount & calories, weight before eating, weight after eating, whether or not i "kept it", method of purging, exercise following the purge and weight following the purge. What i found really interesting were some of the derogatory comments i made about myself...fat, weak, ugly, worthless, etc. Recovery journals are also a detailed account of food thoughts and behaviours but record different information. Every time i had a food thought i was to record the date & time, food under consideration, what was going on when i had the food thought, whether or not i ate it and how i felt afterwards. My current counselor has me keeping a different journal that i call "How am i feeling and why?" That's pretty self explanatory. There are times i don't want to journal but it almost always makes me feel better when i do. i don't keep those either because i don't want to see that stuff again. Instead i give them to my counselor. i still overthink things and struggle with perfectionism. Getting it out of my head and onto paper does help. |
i soo appreciate your thoughts on the journalling, it's a great idea. i think i could really learn from that.. right now, i do journal each day, it's a must of me - but not quite that detailed.. i could use looking back on all of those details, learning, accepting, forgiving, my feelings & the changes within me, as i grow with this each day... i am leaning towards purchasing a weight scale, it's something i've not done because i really do obsess my weight.. but wondering is it healthy to obsess it some? i noticed You said you recorded weight before and after eating & i can see how looking back on the things you recorded would help in the longrun.. including the derogatory comments - in looking back.. being completely honest about your feelings, good or bad ... i think this is really something i could benefit from doing Miss Scarlett, thank you for sharing! i'm eager to hear advice of any kind, it's all helpful to me, because i sought help not long ago and everything is so raw and new to me in dealing with these emotions and the anger and the up & down moods.. i keep telling myself i am proud of myself for doing this hard work.. And though most people in my life do not and will not understand, what's important is that i recognize the dangers in what i was doing, and i did what i thought i would never do, ask for help.. so much to celebrate for that alone, it's one of the few things that drives me to keep at this, even after i fall.. That and the love & support of a few amazing people in my life... ♥ as well as the sharing from all of you! Thank you, so so much! (i know i keep saying thank you, but i just cant explain how grateful i am, for the sharing as well as the reps and messages, encouragement, & understanding.. PS - Today was an easier day for me - but i was free of temptation and avoided certain things.. my father, however called me today and upset me a great deal, he's a negative force in my life, very often.. That upset caused me to get very emotional and the stinkin' thinkin' began.. But i was able to deal with that upset in a healthier way through meditation (which has become a great source of comfort for me) i did a self love meditation, which put me in a stronger, healthier frame of mind.. Not the way i would deal with emotions and stress in the past of course, but i wasn't riddled with anger over NOT turning towards food - and so for today, that felt good..The difficult thoughts were there though, wanting to binge and wanting to seek out food and put myself in unhealthy situations that would torment me, a form of self abuse i have.. not acting on those thoughts, is worth celebrating for me today! |
i also wanted to mention, i feel very lost without counselling these days.. (and never thought i would EVER say such a thing in my life..) i've always been such a skeptic about counselling through life due to bad experiences, but once i admitted i needed help, i went through the EAP program at my work and got 4 sessions of counselling, which helped me tremendously.. i will be starting a new therapy, once i complete the craving changes course (which i am unsure of dates) but..i recognize today that counselling is so beneficial and necessary for my recovery.. Since my sessions ended, i feel more out of control, and all over the place with my emotions... maybe this is something i need to research and even pay for, if necessary... right now i feel like i am helping myself, which can be rewarding when it works - but blows up in my face a lot when i lose sight of myself.. i need more help than OA meetings - it's my only tool right now, besides journalling. Your post about Your counsellor made me feel envious some Miss Scarlett, and it was an eye opener, that i miss this and that i'm not getting the decent help i need, i'm taking too much on myself and then beat myself up for not following through.. |
I'm a compulsive overeater and I've been attending OA since March. There was also a time when purging became part of my cycle. It was when a diet began falling apart, and every time I went over-calorie, I'd just try to find an isolated bathroom and get rid of it. It was hugely satisfying and a bit addictive in itself. However, I was able to quit doing that part after a while. It wasn't a life-long habit - but it was a strangely addictive one. It was awesome to just kinda hit the undo button on what I'd eaten, and it left me feeling very physically at peace and in control. It was a pretty hard habit for me to hide though, and I think the main reason it didn't become a more permanent habit.
I listen to a lot of 12 step podcasts - most geared more toward alcohol and drug recovery. But food is a drug for me - it numbs me, it comforts me, it entertains me. I think so much of my life has revolved around thoughts about what and when I will get to eat next. Abstinence is hard, but over time I've had more "days of grace" - this is what I call the days that are relatively easy to get through without overeating. The OA groups in my area don't seem to have the same solidity to them as the AA groups - at least the members who have also spent a long time in AA seem to have a better grasp of the full experience of 12 step. It seems many alcoholics find themselves addicted to sugar/simple carbs once alcohol has been cut out. At least I run into a relatively large number who successfully got sober, but turned to food. I know there are a lot of different kinds of abstinence, but I use an app on my iphone called "lose it." It allows me to record anything I eat. It has programs for maintenance and also for losing weight. Really, my main goal is to heal my insides. I have spent much of my life learning to embrace my weight. One of the sayings I've heard is "Come for the vanity, stay for the sanity." I'm one of very few who came for the sanity. The steps are intimidating for me, but I'm hoping I can find a workable way through them. The first part of gaining sanity for me is keeping a record of what I eat - and the lose-it program allows me to do that relatively easily. I have not been honest with myself about how much I eat - often I'm totally unconscious of it and I tend to rationalize the times I eat enough for 3-4 people. So putting my info in the program before I can take a bite has really been helpful. I'm not so concerned about whether I go over the limit every once in a while. Right now my abstinence consists mostly of writing down everything I eat. I have a sponsor, but she's not available a lot, and I'm beginning to think I need to switch. I would like to have a stronger support system and feel that I need one. However, I'm thankful to have the one I've got. It's been hard being what I believe to be the only non-Christian in the room at those meetings, but I do try to do some sort of prayer in the morning. Sometimes it's to the Universe, sometimes to the Tao, sometimes to specific deities, sometimes to Nature. Whatever/Whomever I pray to, I try to imagine it's benevolent. I haven't really found a sweet spot that works for me on the days when I'm feeling cynical, but whatever I'm doing, it seems to be working. More and more days where food isn't the thought of most of my moments. I want to heal as much as I can, and the more I am part of a community focused on healing compulsive food behaviors, the more helpful it is to me Our world gives us such strong mixed messages about food and physical aesthetics regarding weight. It's nice to go to a meeting or listen to OA podcasts as well as other recovery podcasts. There was a woman recently at a meeting who was talking about how she'd had an argument with her significant other - and she left the house for the night. Before she left, she packed up her food because she knew it would be dangerous for her if she did not. She said she liked coming to the group because people in the rest of the world would never get what a triumph it was for her to take the time to make sure she had her healthy food to eat before leaving, but that when she comes to OA, there are people there "from her planet." I think that's part of it for me too. I know lots of other compulsive overeaters, but few are attempting to recover. It feels good to have community with others who share some of my weird behaviors about food - like eating before I go to dinner, eating in secret, hiding how much I eat, etc. And lying to myself even about how much I eat. It feels good to feel balanced about food. Sometimes I look into the future and think about foods I may never get to eat again, but I just try to remind myself that I'm not eating those foods today. Looking into the future and saying "never again" upsets me. So I just do that one day at a time thing. And sometimes that's just one moment at a time. I try to ask myself more and more, "what's the next right action?" when i'm tempted to do things that would sabotage me. If a day is too much to face, I just try to focus on the next right action. Anyway, that's my ramble for the night. Thanks for starting this thread! |
sylvie, i totally understand about a parent being a trigger. Mom was my trigger. All my life she ragged me about my weight with statements like: "Nobody wants a fat ______" , "My friends all say 'Your daughter has such a pretty face. It's a shame she's so fat.' Do you know how embarassing that is for me? Their daughters are all thin and pretty and look at you!" and "I am so ashamed of you."
Eventually my middle brother joined that chorus and my parents did nothing about his ugly words. Is it any wonder that i came to equate my value/acceptance/self-worth with my weight? BTW when i was growing up i wasn't severely overweight...maybe a few pounds but nothing more. i was very much into sports, especially softball and swimming. i'd like to blame my eating disorder on pressure from a coach but that's not the case. When i was swimming fulltime my body was muscular and tight - i was in the best physical shape of my life but that was not good enough. It was the same when i was running. It wasn't until the mid-80s when i was at the height of my bulimarexia and destroying my health that she considered me pretty. All i ever wanted was to be thin enough to please my Mom so she would love me and i would no longer make her ashamed or embarassed. Rejection by Mom or anyone was because i wasn't thin...and i still struggle with that though it's not as strong. After my recovery from being so dangerously thin i became dangerously obese...also part of my bulimarexia. That confuses many people because there is this misconception that you cannot gain weight with that disorder. Mom's death in 2007 was devastating for me. We'd worked together for over 10 years and had become very close. But it was also liberating for me. my motivation for losing weight had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. It is also easier to overcome the desire to binge because most of the triggers are not as strong. Counseling has been a godsend for me. Changing jobs from one city to another has helped and next month i am moving to another city which will further my healing. Geez, i've been rambling this morning. i gotta get ready for work... Wishing everyone here a wonderful day! Remember to be gentle with yourself today...(f) |
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wow, can i relate with this post. thank you very much for sharing! Purging was hard for me to hide as well, my doctor found me out one day after i had been doing it awhile and she put the fear into me, as a single mother i didn't want to be admitted into the hospital nor deal with the health problems she suggested, including death. Although it didn't stop me from purging, it did slow it way down... For the most part, i binged and binged and binged some more - even that wasn't an everyday thing in the beginning, but it eventually took over my everyday... i started to gain some serious weight - and sadly hurting my finances, in a major way. It really caused us some hardships, especially where i wasn't working for years - and i've an extreme guilt over that alone, which is something i do not forgive myself for, i struggle to but it's difficult, because it not only affected me but those around me.. How embarrassing.. OA has been such a source of a great tool for me, especially lately where i've no counselling - i can relate with being the non christian in the room.. The very first OA meeting i attended, was here in town and i struggled with getting around the spiritual part of it and focusing on what i needed for me, the part on overeating.. i was overwhelmed with how much these ladies focused on things i couldn't get my mind around, it was the one and only meeting i attended, because i was able to find a really great website that hosts online meetings every 3 hours of the day.. It isn't so focused on spirituality, but on the overeating.. There is some mention of it, but i can now wrap my head around that part in my own ways by praying or meditating in my own ways - and i really gain some perspective about the compulsive overeating and dealing with my emotions - so online works much better for me, not only because of that but because it's available every 3 hours of the day and night - whereas the one here in town was just Monday nights at 7pm and Saturday mornings at 10am... Both times, i am always working and could never make it, except on rare occasions, i need something available to me more often - and so these meetings worked great. This may sound a bit strange too, lol.. (on my part) but.. i couldn't get over the hugs that night when i attended the OA meeting.. Everyone kept coming at me with hugs, not small quick hugs, but the long hold me forever kind of hugs that i couldn't break out of their grasp, i didn't know any of these people from a hole in a wall - and i got really overwhelmed because though i love to hug - a bunch of people i don't even know is an exception - and on that night i was feeling extremely fragile and fearful , not being sure if i fit in.. actually i didn't feel like i fit in at all - but struggled to stay there and complete that meeting.. they had me read out loud from some books, which felt okay with me but the hugs felt like too much, i could have handled quick hugs maybe and welcomes but... oy, lemme go! Maybe now i would be less overwhelmed with attending those meetings, if my work hours allowed, it was all new to me and i had a lot of anger that night because letting go of my food would be difficult, practicing abstinence? How could they expect that of me ? Now i get it and am open to trying and working on myself more everyday...it still angers me, especially my emotions... looking at foods i LOVED and binged on and realizing i will n ever put that in my mouth again - or hope not to.. i feel cheated, i feel like it's not fair, people around me get to eat what they want but i'm not allowed - because i did this to myself.. i go on feelings of feeling pathetic and worthless and all kinds of crap feelings when my anger moments arise... i have to work on finding ways around that, and dealing with my anger.. SOmething that worked great for me was exercise.. When i felt a really angry moment coming on and knew i was going to beat myself up in a bad way, i would get out and walk or work out in some way, it helped bring me positivity... if that wasn't possible, i would journal or meditate.. But there are times i got so stuck in my anger that i couldn't motivate myself to do any of these things - it's really hard to accept that not EVERYday will be a good day.. ::sigh:: At work, this is one of my most difficult places to deal with this..Feeding a resident things "i" want to be able to eat, really throws my emotions into a spin.. They say home should be the safe zone, and for the most part it is - but when i go to work i have no control over what is being fed to the residents.. So the fact i can get my hands on as many pieces of cheesecake that are left over or apple crisp or cookies or anything else of the sort - even meals is difficult.. i need to have self control which i have very little of.. So the best thing i could do was tell my co-workers.. Not all, but some... That way, if i put my hands on a piece of cheesecake, i will feel guilty if i walk away with one for me.. it's my only hope of making it through a workday.. It was NOTHING for me to grab a few of whatever i wanted and tuck away somewhere and eat it all with no one knowing.. i could still do that if i wanted to, easily... Even if people know about my eating disorder, it would be nothing for me to do it.. When we have birthday parties for the residents, the amount of food that goes through that place and that we can feast on as well is ridiculous - it's sooo soooo hard... Have i given in to temptation? a few times i have, completely embarrassing... As well as at home - what's difficult at home is that i have teenagers who aren't always mindful of what momma is going through.. One is 18, and one is 15.. i have sat with them and told them how difficult this is for me, that i am seeking help and all about my compulsive overeating/binging and even the occasional purging...They are very understanding and do their best most days not to tempt me - but i still hear them talk about what they're going to the store for sometimes, and i still have seen them walk in here with junkfood and go to their rooms to eat with the door shut, and i have come home from work sometimes to see half eaten potato chips or half drank sodapop... i wont touch them because they've already drank out of them, but my emotions go spinning out of control and it takes everything i have in me NOT to go to the corner store which is only a few steps away from me and buy exactly what i am craving at that moment... It's what i would do in the past , it was nothing for me to go to the corner store and buy 20 dollars with of junkfood and come home and eat it, and i would do this EVERY night for years.. It affected me in so many different ways, i became antisocial, i gained weight, my self esteem got driven into the ground, i had no ambition to get out working or help myself in any way, and i was spending money that should have went towards bills, NOT to mention had way too much junkfood on hand that the children would eat sometimes too - and i am thankful everyday right now that it's eventually turned my children against eating so much junkfood - however, i see signs of bulemia with my daughter sadly.. i've had her to the doctor and i believe we've caught it early, as we're working with her to help her learn healthy eating habits too and she's doing wonderful - i hope, i hope with all my might that she's learning the dangers from me, the emotions and the hurt and my self destructive behaviours, i share it all with them ... One thing you mentionned Nat, that really struck a chord with me is that you are totally unconscious about the amounts you eat - *nods* me too.. i lie to myself all the time, as well as others, that was big for me - even when i first started the OA program and was in counselling - i still wasn't being 100% truthful, so now when i am truthful via people who understand this (such as here in this thread for instance) it's extremely embarrassing, the guilt i feel is difficult, so very difficult.. it's hard to want to put it here for all to read.. Even starting this thread was hard for me, it's something i had considered doing for a long time, and i kept saying to Mtn why isn't there an Eating Disorder thread, i wish someone would start one.. He searched high and low as well and then suggested i start one.. HUH? noooo! lol.. That would mean putting my stuff out there, rather than perving a thread quietly for my own benefit... But, i did it on what felt like one of my stronger days.. Am i happy for doing it? i am in the sense that between posts here in this thread as well as rep and private messages from those who wont share publicly, it's SO helpful for me to get that support - it's an extra tool for me.. i do not have a sponsor, i wrote my name on the sponsor list that night i attended the OA meeting here in town, but nothing came of that because i never went back.. i do have the list of people i can call, but i haven't.. It's scary to me to pick up that phone and call someone i don't know, i think my low self esteem makes me feel like i'm bugging someone and maybe i'm also using that as an excuse.. So making this thread was a huge step in my recovery journey, and i'm finding it easier to put it all out here, whether good days or bad days - having this support system is a tremendous thing and thank you so much for lending your story too... i sooo appreciate it! It really does help, to know that other people understand my 'ways'.. The things i do that most people might regard as strange, for instance going to a restaurant with some of my friends because they're choosing a restaurant that are all fried foods, i will t ell them i cant.. they say you CAN sometimes, you cant totally stop or you'll want to eat it.. i try to explain and they look at me strangely.. or get togethers, i'm not strong enough for those yet, i know it's riddled with foods i cant handle being around.. i think i could if i had someone with me who knew my struggle and who could remind me to grab at the healthy things - maybe...i know my friends just don't get it.. Or how hard it is to grocery shop, i get so crazy emotional, and i look like a crazed woman having conversations with myself, or tearing up cuz i want SO much to toss that bag of doritos in my shopping cart.. i'll walk away, i'll go back, i'll walk away again.. Something i did a week ago that i'm not proud of.. i got so bent emotionally one day after gaining the 4 lbs, i started pinching my stomache, constantly all day.. my tummy was so bruised and paining by the end of the day - that was a new behaviour for me, maybe was a way for me to feel control of something, or maybe just a way to abuse myself for giving in - the guilt of giving in that day was so overwhelming.. i was very hard on myself emotionally too.. i'm still not back up to par, i'm still not motivated to exercise again, though i'm working my way back to that and it's taking everything i have to put food in my mouth at all - it was a struggle for awhile.. (starvation is another way i would punish myself if i couldn't binge or felt guilty) one extreme to another.. sabotaging myself, setting myself up for failure and then getting stuck in the guilt and reasons to abuse myself over it - vicious circle.. but one i'm stuck in often.. Thanks for being so real with me girls, and allowing me to do the same.. having a place to do this, with understanding is a wonderful tool for me.. (((((huggggz))))) |
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thank you so much.. truly.. & for always reminding me to be gentle with myself...something i need to do more of, i know this.. ♥ i know i need more counselling, i am looking forward to the course they want me to take , it's in October but i will be in Oregon with Mtn during that time but, they said they will let me know when the next dates are, it's a 4 week course and will help with the emotions alot and my stuck ways of thinking -- hoping it helps!! After that, i will be starting a group therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - which may be of help to me too, however that one on one counselling is what i feel like i need - because when i had it, it helped so much.. Hearing what counselling does for you, makes me see how much i need that in my plan to recovery, doing this myself just isn't doable, not right now anyway.. OA helps me alot to get my feelings out, or to just listen and learn - but it's not helping with the emotions and anger so much - at least yet anyway.. i think the more tools i can have right now, the better.. i dooo understand the triggers in family very well, between my mother and my father, as well as others , they can be very harsh with words... but my mother and i have really gotten a lot closer lately, though she does tend to be judgemental at times for the most part she is proud of me and wants me well and she encourages me to keep at it.. my father on the other hand, is the opposite.. He is an alcoholic, and the last few years i had been begging him to seek help, tried to intervene and just recently have helped myself in letting go so i'm not taking that on anymore, ive known him to be an alcoholic all of my life and since childhood have been trying to hold him together and take care of him, rather than the other way around - but right now, i'm finding help for myself and this is important to me and since he's not willing to help himself - i had to let go... But now his anger is really hard to take , even yesterday he said "oh go stick your damn finger down your throat" just to be mean, because i was standing up for myself (totally unrelated to my addicton) but about something else, but he throws this stuff in there.. The other day he was at my house here, visiting a few and he got my son to go to the store for him to buy a big bottle of sodapop (he knows i quit drinking it in April and he also knows of my struggle right now).. i thought because he has an addiction that he would be more understanding of my difficult journey - but it's been the complete opposite.. Once that sodapop came in (i had no idea he sent him to the store til i seen him walking in with it) and my father would pour a glass and come right up in my face and drink it, with the sound affects and say ahhhhh that's delicious, want some? :sigh: So he sets me up to fail, constantly, he's not supportive and now it's at the point i had to tell him, if you are going to do stuff like that then dont come over - i know he's my father but seriously he can be so toxic for me at times... HE thinks i should just be strong and its no big deal, but that would be like me cracking open a bottle of whiskey and holding it to his face IF he were seeking help for himself.. He isn't though, so i guess he just doesn't get how damaging he is to me. The comments about my weight, i get that from him too.. He knows i've lost some lbs, he is also overweight, and so he thinks nothing of making me feel like my 36 lbs lost so far was no big deal.. When i gained the 4 lbs, he laughed at me.. (how he found out ive NO clue) i work with my stepmother at the nursing home so i gather somewhere along the way it got to her who shared with him. BUT, he has always been harsh on me, namecalling and discouraging and setting me up for failure.. Those triggers send me reeling in that vicious circle, i want to grab the food and stuff my face with things i shouldn't as a big EFF YOU to him... Yet, that would just make him happy, if i think of it realistically, its what he wants.. Succeeding is what will truly work, and be best for me.. So i work harder, even after my down days.. i have many other triggers too, journalling helps some.. counselling definitely helped too...i think i will purchase some books mentionned in this thread as well... i also understand some on the bulemarexia and being overweight.. When i was young, i was diagnosed with bulemia (i didnt know this til recently) but when i went for my intake at mental health, she went back in my files and told me, that i was then as well as in my early adulthood...Have i blocked this? i'm not sure, or maybe i didn't really understand, but she shared the intimate details she had of my childhood and it really surprised me.. But also helped me understand how it progressed into t his.. Here, i thought i just randomly started over 10 years ago but it wasn't the case at all, there was a sense of normal for me, it felt right and brought me peace and made me feel better, it took the pain away from r/l. You said changing jobs helped and moving to another city would help your healing.. i often think about getting completely away from here, taking my children and just getting away from the chaos and negative people in my life and would that help me make a fresh start and get away from my triggers, the people who trigger me, situations that trigger me and places that trigger me.. it wouldnt help me escape my memories but, it's always been a thought of mine, just escaping it all.. i think though, realistically, right now what is important is doing the hard work, and finding ways to deal with the emotions, the temptations, finding things that work for me and developing a pattern for myself that will work for me overall to get some control on this.. Am i right? Running away right now probably won't help me, i'm too self destructive...So i cant rely on moving or anything to cure me, that's not realistic , i recognize this... i'm rambling! eh!? xox thank you Miss Scarlett, once again! All of you help me get such a handle on being REAL about this - that's a wonderful feeling! |
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i would normally say "you can't run away from your problems" but in your case i think you need your parents out of your life. I believe you said in another thread that your mom was affecting your daughter's body image, and i'm sorry to be harsh but your dad just needs his heinie kicked! You need to get a Mtn between you and them! |
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Mtn will agree with You about my father - You arent being harsh at all, or well if you are, i know i need it.. but i definitely know what needs to be done and am actionning that, each day - more and more.. it feels great to break out of it bit by bit & i know i'm well on my way because the fact i am even recognizing what these things do to me is big for me and wanting to distance it feels healthy to me.. this is very, very 'good'..though i know he is my father, i know it's necessary for my own recovery! thank you for that article dc, i'm on my way to check it out in a bit! heading out for my walk right now, first ♥ hope you are having a great day! |
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