How to be a femme ally
 

Whether or not you are a femme, how do you think we best be femme allies?
If you are a femme, are you an ally to your fellow femmes and to yourself?
What about our transfemmes?

I am not Femme (lol obviously) but I try to be an ally by:

1. Being a good listener. I listen to what they have to say and try to see things from their perspective.

2. Respect their points of view and accept that they know themselves better than I ever could.

3. Don't make assumptions about someone just because they self-identify as Femme.

4. Keep in mind that there are as many ways to be Femme as there are Femmes. Any one way isn't any better than another. It's just different.

5. Respect the rights of Femmes to have their own spaces and not try to invade theirs.

6. Speak up when someone says something bigoted or sexist or ignorant or rude about Femmes or to a Femme.

:)

P.S. I hope it's okay that I posted here even though it is the Femme Zone. If not, I apologize.

Drew you can post anywhere you want as far as I am concerned because you are always respectful even if I don't agree with you and you don't agree with me. You are a femme ally!

Thread is open to all. :)

Wow! How did I miss this thread?! GREAT thread topic!

Years ago, someone that I loved very much told me that there was a world where you had "Femme's Femmes" and "Butch's Femmes".

At first, I bucked that idea because it felt like reinforcing all of the negative shit that we are fed from day one about how women are supposed to hate each other (or at least mistrust each other).

But yanno? I look at the women who have access to my heart and can say without at doubt that these are women who would never put getting attention or validation from a random Butch (or mine) over our friendship or my heart.

These are women I would trust to sleep naked next to my partner and would never blink.

These are women who I know to exercise good boundaries when it comes to seeking validation from others, and specifically, Butches.

See, I think that we sometimes don't like to talk about the fact that there are Femmes among us who try to heal whatever cracks they have with the mortar of Butch attention. Because sometimes attention equals attraction. And sex equals love. And love fills the cracks within us that are formed by our Mommas and Daddies, Family, and Lovers.

I have to love those Femmes from a distance. That whole "letting go with love" thing because I have been that Femme and understand what kind of hard work it takes to work toward being enough for oneself.

My allies are going to look like Femme's Femmes - Women who are interested in cultivating deep, meaningful relationships with other Femmes even when it's a lot of work.

Those are the women who get my time and my heart.

Those are the women who I am going to call on when my partner dies and I am grieving so deeply that my marrow is cracking.

Those are the women that I will freely fuck up in front of and accept, with gratitude, the lessons they have to teach.

Some people call them "heart friends". Some call them "kindred spirits".

All I know is that I am a better Femme when surrounded by my girls.

How about some practical stuff?!

A Femme Ally:

* is going to tell you when you've tucked your skirt into your panties or sat in ketchup while wearing a white dress!

* is going to revel in your way of being Femme while maintaining and cherishing her own!

* is going to celebrate your accomplishments!

* is going to pull you off to the side and say "What the fuck are you doing working 2 jobs to support that Butch?"

* is going to know the difference between the stuff you share with your Butch and the stuff you share with your Sisters!

I love these lists! So perfectly said and sums up exactly what I expect from a femme ally. I see a pattern about partners being off limits...thats a huge one for me! But what is more important is the incredible caring of each other that I hear in these lists. Being nurtured and Present and loved. But not just easily..sometimes when its hard and difficult too.

We have some quality people on this forum!

I really never thought about this until the reunion this year. Arwen started the Femme Brigade thread and it really made me think about my Femme friends and how we can support each other.

Then being around my Femme friends at the reunion filled me with such love and support, I came home and am trying to reach out to Femme friends and aquaintances and be an ally.

Love you Nat! Great thread!

What persi said +

++she texts and calls on a crap day just to say hello and talk strategy
++she doesn't mind hanging out in pajamas
++she is a cheerleader
++she loans and borrows shoes, kitchen equipment, books
++she is fierce and inspiring!
++she introduces you to new and interesting things
++she isn't afraid to talk politics

:wine:

My femme friends are amazing, diverse, kind and incredibly smart. In a zombie apocalypse they are who I'll team up with.

life without femme swapping of books, kitchen equipment and shoes is an empty life indeed. and presents!!!! and coffee. in super gay mugs.

:daddy: <---LOL

i'm so excited i get to bake cookies with one of the most amazing femmes i know this holiday.


:happyjump: :freak: :rofl: :slapfight: :pointing:

I'd like to see this thread come alive again. So many wonderful things said here and so many great examples of what it looks like to be an ally!

Thank you for bumping this thread, Medusa.
 

I came across this thread just now...and I love *any* type of female empowering threads. I think being supportive of one another is so vital to our well-being as femmes, and as women...and especially for the bond that exists between us.
This is precious, and needs to be appreciated more. I want *all* of my femme and female sisters to feel important, uplifted, appreciated, and needed within my world...even if I don't always understand where they're coming from or agree w/ their pov. It honestly doesn't matter to me, it's far more important that we are a strong alliance, because the bottom line is...we need to be. The world is not always a kind place, so if we can't extend kindness to one another..well, that's just a damn shame...and we will never succeed in the many battles we must face as a community.

I expect the same level of comradery from anyone, regardless of gender, sexuality or ID. I used to have butch friends who I could count on for blah and femme mates I would ask for yaddah.
But it's become so mashed... straight girlie girls, tomboy straights, yoga-esque hippy lez, butch-to-me non-ID, straight male army, baby dyke with a guitar, femme, femme daddy, butch, old school butch, post modern butch, performance artist pro-domme....

I just expect all of them to show me a certain level of care... which is individual to the person. some people can show it by sitting up all night with me talking, some show they care by helping me with my garden and loaning me money for groceries. Some show they care by seeing a text I could use for school in a flea market and buying it for me. Some by letting me take care of them. Many by getting very protective (aw. thanks guys. I appreciate it, even though I know quite well I can look after myself, the fierceness of your desire to stop anyone from hurting me is very sweet).

push me hard, give me advice, listen, offer to help, laugh with me, laugh *at* me when I'm a dick, make me laugh when I'm scared or angry or sad, treat me valuable, pile on the compliments, sleep with me when I haven't been laid for a while (ahem, those special kind of friends), take me out for an ice cream, let me look after you when you need love and care.

How to be a femme ally?

Don't assume we fuck men.

Don't look surprised if we get offended if you assume we fuck men.

Try to look past the hair/nails/shoes/dress/frills/whatever and realise from the outset that while she may not have the ''look'' you expect, you may still be looking at a woman who is just as (or more*) lesbian than you.


If you're a fellow femme, don't ask her to lend you her clothes if you don't intend to give them back :mad:


*'more' is a judgement to be sure, but when you've had absolute certainty about your lesbianism for 15+ years and you may even be a gold star (I'm not) it's really offensive for some 20-something lesbian (or man) to assume you're about to run off with the first bio-guy who clicks his finger at you.

I love my femme sisters ... I am never jealous of their beauty inner or outer . I always compliament them ..and appreciate their exsistance :) i cam be friends w. all ages .. even tho i do like talking w. woman my own age. helps when u have to figure out some things ur going threw. ROCK ON Ladies :))

I was just talking to one of my femme allies about this over the weekend! :)

I think some of the most important ways to be a femme ally have already been mentioned in this thread. To me, being a femme ally is also about being willing to do the work to form a bond or connection that is both healthy and sincere. A femme ally may not be your closest friend/s, but by very definition of the word, they *are* a friend. When push comes to shove, you know they'll have your back. If there is any doubt in my head about that, it's up to me to take the initial step to cultivate that ally-ship. And if the other person turns out to be a flake/user/butch's femme/whatever than it's important for me to recognize that, acknowledge it, and move on if needed.

Here are some real-life examples of how you can fuck up a femme ally-ship (yes, these things have all happened to me):

• Withholding love/concern/friendship because you're not happy with me or a decision I've made
• Going after my girlfriends (has happened twice by two different "best friends"!)
• Talking negatively behind my back
• Purposely leaving me out because I'm not ______ enough

And because I'm not perfect and know I've got my own work to do (Always!), here are some real-life examples of how I have fucked up some femme ally-ships.

• Being afraid to bring up subjects that are difficult to talk about
• Burying my head in the sand/refusing to take sides in an argument when deep down I know better and should be supporting my femme ally. (Note: This still doesn't mean I'm going to involve myself in your personal drama)
• Gossiping
• Being too stubborn to apologize when I realize I was in the wrong

To me, femme allies are just as important as my family, if not more so. Like everything important in life the more you put into an ally-ship, the stronger it will be.

:2cents:

cara

This is a BEAUTIFUL thread!!!

Femme Ally:

• Tells me; You DO look fat in those pants and don't ever put them on again...
  
• Sticks up for my partner when I am bitching and reminds me how wonderful I think they are and how lucky I am to have them...
  
• Worries about me when I am sad over a stupid mistake and texts stupid jokes trying to make me laugh
  
• Giggling over "damn girl....she's/he's hot" with each others partner or potential partner, KNOWING there is never any way we would hurt each other over a butch.
  
• Listens to the most boring details of my story, just because it is important to me...
  
• Encourages my dreams no matter how many dreams have came and went...
  
• Tells me when she knows someone is bad for me, even if she is afraid it will hurt me...especially then.

PS: I would do everyone of these things for her...I love my sisters.

- don't tell a person she isn't a femme or isn't feminine if you know she identifies as a femme
- don't respond to a femme mentioning that she identifies as a femme by talking about high school and labels.
- don't feel pressured to identify just because she identifies
- don't compare her to straight girls OR tell her she's not queer or a lesbian
- remember some femmes do fuck/date/love men.
- if you are obviously queer, and you are out in public with her, realize it might be one of the few times in the day/week/month/year when she will be publically recognized as queer just by being in your presence (whether you are friend or lover). Let her bask in it a bit unless she doesn't like basking in it. I find it lovely to be in the company of obviously queer and/or lesbian folks because it's the only time I can be entirely authentic and STILL be read correctly. It puts my heart at ease.

i love this thread so much :)

these are qualities that are important to me in friendships...
fierce loving honest direct communication
being accountable when we fuck up
showing up for each other, especially when it's hard
being willing to stretch past our comfort zone for each other
listening and honoring our feelings (all of the time but especially) when we need to vent and we're just pissed off
sharing pleasure
being kind to each other
asking when we don't know, not assuming things about each others' identities, preferences, or anything else
standing up for each other

Don't allow jealousy - of looks, of cleavage, of ability to do great make up, of brains (and yes, I'm guilty of all these) - get in the way of getting to know a fellow femme.

I've lost the chance to forge some great potential relationships by focusing on what 'she' has rather than what I have to offer in the way of genuine friendship and for that, I am truly sorry.

Words

another thing that is important...

acknowledge us! let us know you see us (and love and accept us!) for who we really are! :) i was talking to my partner last night and to me that's one of the most wonderful things he's ever done for me.

by recognizing how brave they are to come out
over and over (f)

acknowledging how fn easy some of us butches have it
because it's written all over our face
we don't have to sayyyyy a word :sunglass:

But oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859