Open Letter: Dear Femme
 

Dear Femme,

In the last week, here and elsewhere, heated discussions have arisen as to the overwhelming male-centric nature of our on-line spaces, our communities. We have come into those discussions to address this concern, always as a voice of support. Support for those who feel challenged (trans and male-id’d people). Support for those who feel unseen (women-identified butches).

In the process, we have been accused of “acting straight.” We have been told we too often “roll over for the men.” Some of us have been accused of flagrant misogyny. We have had to listen to old theories wherein female is connected to Feeling and male is tied to Logic. If we ask for facts, we are buying into the Patriarchy, not thinking with a whole and human mind.

Out of these debates I have seen how it may be true, the notion of male-centrism, but perhaps it is more true that this bias is generally a masculine one, than simply male.

In these communities, too often, our voices have been ones of undying support. When the masculine other requires us, we never fail to stroke, to attend, to remind her or him that yes, all things are as you wish them because we are here, beside you. Being that thing you most desire. That thing you need to remind you of your own worth and worthiness.

But, Dear Femme, when I read what you have to say in published essay, or blog, or on-line journal, you are so much else. You are alive with your own power. Your desire for Butch is only a passing commentary in the ungraspable passage of what-all is You.

And so I ask you, how do we recover ourselves, no matter how we identify, from the grip of the vortex of the masculine mean? How do we attend ourselves, or will we? While it may be true that the masculine bears an ancient wound, it is equally true that so does the feminine. I challenge you to consider her, You, and to talk about her tenderly and bravely, well and wisely, wholly and without the self-editing that comes of the reservation we put into so much of what we say here when we are attending to our masculine counterparts.

Let her loose.

I have an incredible amount of love for All of Them, but were I honest, even more for You.

Julie

Lovely Bit,

Given that we are primarily socialized to think of others first, to literally seat ourselves last, it is no wonder we have this difficulty when it comes to times like these.

A couple of years ago I was meeting a beautiful girl friend of mine for drinks. She lived in another state and we hardly ever got to see one another. The entire time we were trying to catch up, however, men in the bar/restaurant, and one in particular, were/was interrupting us, attempting to dominate the conversation for attention. Both of us being the very Southern and feminine women that we are continued to smile wanly but permit them.

Finally, I'd had enough.

I said to the most frequent of these men (I interrupted him, in fact):

"Listen, we have been socialized and conditioned all of our sweet little lives to permit you to take up our space. To interrupt us. We're done with that business. Get lost."

I actually felt terribly guilty for possibly having hurt his feelings. And my friend did too. But we both laughed each time a man approached that I held up my hand and said, "No, back!"

I'm a little bit almost finally able to do that. To just say what I think. To go, No, back! whenever I need to and not worry about "his" feelings. Because I have allowed mine to be just as important.

Dear SuperLadypersonFemme,

I cannot possibly even IMAGINE how anyone would ever try to reduce You.

There is no entropy to Femme.

Period.

You are too large and too magical to ever be minimized. And certainly not because of how you have been enlarged through love. How nonsensical.

:heartbeat:,

me

Dear June,

I never once doubted (and who could have) the fucking majesty that is You (even if you did have me on ignore).

Clearly you understand the secret to being your own powerhouse and knowing when and how to share that power in a way that does not ever diminish you. Thank the Great Poodle for that, sister.

Your role in the great scheme may just be one of Check & Balance. For that, you have to overcome a lot of people's bullshit, don't you? Well and we need more strong motherfucking women like you.

And, hey, your stray apostrophe's don't bother me a damn bit. If only I could figure out the meaning to those obnoxious acronyms.

Heard and witnessed,

e

i can learn (and unlearn) here.

Dear Wil,

You have long been one of our best and greatest allies.

Your sincerity and deep consideration are unmatched.

I have so much gratitude for You.

Love,

e

Yikes e, lol..... I forgot how hard it was for me to learn to sit down before the Butch!!! And yanno... I can still only do it in restaurants.

I soooooo completely understand. It is SO HARD to break through the conditioning that we have to be polite, isn't it?

I bet you would have had exactly the same reaction had they been women. That's happened to me more than once, and although the unwanted attention has not been sexual, it has still been very MUCH unwanted.

I think that I am coming to that also, although not quite so literally. What I tend to do is to avoid people, or to leave....

.......unless, of course, they are people I care about. That's the rub, eh? Because I care about Butches and Transmen... it's one thing to stop being unnecessarily polite to strangers. It's another to stop caring about Butches and Transmen..............

..............you caught that, I'm sure. I caught it as the thought came out of my head. Since when does politeness equal caring? Am I required to be self-effacing enough to accept any kind of intrusion, simply to be seen as caring? Am I required to seat myself last at the table (I can hear half the world's Butches cringing, lol, can't you?) simply to be considered properly supportive?

It's a lot of food for thought,
Cathie

Yes, I absolutely own and allow that I am guilty. But again, I am seeing this as "masculine-centric" rather than simply male-centric. When we call it male-centric, we're throwing our transguys and male-id'd fellas under the bus, and it's also patently unfair because of the ways that butch women, i.e., masculine females, inherently dominate our spaces as well. Don't misread me, although I may have seemed to have a certain "side" in these debates, I do not have a "side" for/against anyone. I Love ALL of These Groups. I literally and motherfucking do.

But here are the ways I see me playing into the masculine-centrism:

- I am always on the ready to call out transphobia (usually in the form of transguyphobia) or to speak up for the way that female id'd butches are not being seen (bc I have also done this), but am less likely to call out ways that I may see femmes being denigrated.

Usually it is because I either wait for someone else to weigh in on the subject, or because I actually believe that what a particular femme has done is distasteful and does not speak to Me, Julie, This Femme. Well, so motherfucking what?

Yes, I am sometimes guilty of judging other femmes harshly.

For example, if a femme posts in a certain font (pink) and is always serving up virtual cupcakes and tea, I am less likely (read: not at all) to listen to what she has to say. I WILL skip over her. And not because the font is hard to read (it is) but because it is "too girly" and that reads as "too ridiculous."

i think, perhaps, it is more emblematic of "knowing your place" and being in it.

or, perhaps you enjoy the "punishment"?

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Wil}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I've never found you to be anything other than supportive.

I've experienced that. Interestingly enough, the times in the past when I have felt judged have been when other Femmes have tried to take away my rights to speak to and about female-identified Butches. The mechanism has usually been that I say something inclusive of all Butches, OR I say something about one group of Butches without painstakingly referencing all the other groups of Butches--and then I am arbitrarily branded as erasing and devaluing female identified Butches.

The effect of this has been to make me APPEAR to be enforcing male-centric standards on our community, because people have loudly tarred me with that brush. The truth is that in a weird and twisted kind of way, the people who have insisted that I am holding up male-centric standards have actually done it themselves by bringing it up in the first place and plastering it all over me when I wanted nothing to do with it and was deliberately, carefully avoiding it.

I suppose the problem is that some people cannot see past the "scarcity model" of thinking, and believe whole-heartedly that there is only one kind of recognition and it's limited; therefore, they seem to believe that if a person is recognizing male-identified Butches they are automatically erasing female-identified Butches, and vice versa. (I believe this is the root of the division in the Butch community even now.)

I say there is enough attention and recognition to go around. Both male and female identified Butches are valuable members of our community and deserve recognition--just as Transmen are valued and deserve recognition.

But what has happened is that in actual practice, no one hears me. From being a strong, deeply thoughtful, analytical, articulate, and valued ally of all three groups, I have been reduced to a caricature of unthinking prejudice--and so I am silenced.

not surprisingly, people tend to balk at change. especially change that challenges or cuts into their perception of "how things work". i do believe that anger is fear channeled outwardly.

no one wants to give up power...especially those who have long (and perhaps not so wisely) wielded it. rather than see the benefit to all that can be had by spreading the power (and responsibility) along a broad line, they grow fearful that their little stash of power will be diminished, thereby diminishing themselves and their perceived position in the world.

i honestly believe that if the male/masculine people on this planet took a step back and looked at where their power lies, and who supports them through things....they'd understand that the feminine should be exalted for the strong beings and forces they are. rather than give credit where credit is due, it's hidden or usurped with the growth in power going to the usurper.

i'm not sure i'm making sense.

This sounds to me like a Native American belief. It's one of many beautiful Native beliefs that have been forgotten. Or should I really say, silenced.
I agree with you, little man.

E,
Thank you for igniting thought and discussion here. I read this post on different site and I'm not surprised at the lack of response 'there'. In fact, the example of you creating an opportunity for literally the same voices to share their thoughts on this topic highlights the undertow of aggression some spaces have created.

So yes, I have an opinion on this topic, and yes, I choose to share it 'here'.

I've changed over the past 10 or so years I've identified as Femme. I used to believe it was all about my power and in hindsight my power looked more like King Kong stomping on legitimate thoughts, opinions and questions of those that may have differed from mine. My power was to 'squash' not only the opinion, but to take a deeper stance and make a stronger impact on the person to ensure they didn't continue to hold opinions that aligned with the ones they shared. How dare they think for themselves? The nerve.

How have I changed? I no longer feel I need to exude power to get my point across or, in many cases, feel I need to share any thought at all. To me, this is not me 'rolling over' to a masculine opinion. I'm no longer in it to have a winner or a loser. Instead, I choose to focus on my strength.

For me, my Femme strength is about focusing on how to get to what I truly want and believe in without hurting people or countering opinions along the way. I feel I am at my best when I can keep my head high and walk through the proverbial shit storm of words. And while I love and appreciate discussion, I ---wait for it---feel there are some who don't deserve to hear my words. These are preditory individuals (male, female, etc.) who will never get who I am or what I stand for.

Regarding the pink font: Fucking hate it. I hate the constant juvenile look and immature nature of the content. To me, the perception is just too ridiculous to take the person seriously, regardless of the situation; Regardless how 'deep' the person is.

I'm sure the previous paragraph contradicts what I just shared but I think you brainiacs can handle it.

Peace,
TPT

I am always very glad to get the opportunity to learn more about femmes, how they think and feel about being a femme, and how they think and feel about us masculine gents. Reading this thread has been educational to me, and I very much appreciate all you ladies have shared. Thank you! :cheesy:

Ahhhh..the planet thrives
 

Echo, echo echo....listening in..Learning in the midst of life.:chocolate::eatinghersheybar:

Dear femme...
 

Clothes swap.

Oakland.

Realization.

Dressed up, we are beautiful.

But in bra and panties, thrown in a room together? AND...not a butch in sight?

We're fucking awesome.

Yes.

Cath, whom I adore, I've selected pieces from a few of your posts that speak to the same thing. Namely, how you see yourself deferring to butches and transmasculine others always. How you appear more concerned with their comfort than your own. How your need to do this has left you feeling silenced and misunderstood.

When reading these posts, what kept occurring to me was your need to speak of the masculine other in this thread, which is a Call to Femme, to You.

It is about You. It is about what is beautiful and powerful and autonomous in You.

I have seen the ways that we have disallowed ourselves.

Here, I want to see us naming and seeing ourselves. And one another.

Don't misunderstand, I also want to talk about the ways that we are met with masculine-centrism and how we have handled it, as much as how we might choose to handle it in the future, but if I see that you are focusing over-much on the masculine, I'm just going to remind you -gently- of You.

Because, you know, it's You who just fucking rocks my socks.

It's You whom I have admired most.

It's You who have been my unofficial mentors.

It's You I think of as my friends.

:heartbeat:

Regarding my earlier mention of the Dread Pink Font.

I was owning that as a likely example of one of the ways I have bought and swallowed the misogyny. The frivolity reads, well, frivolous. (Watch me do it again here for free, folks!)

I suppose that on the other side of that, you won't find me enjoying anything overly stereotyped as male/masculine (read: neanderthal). All that belching business has me clicking out of a thread instantly.

Now, as Bit pointed out, some of our best femmes may be the pinkly fonted, virtually tea party hostesses. I am not judging them. I am just not reading them. What SuperFemme asked was 'how are we participating?.'

This was one of the ways I could name off-hand. I am not getting to know these femmes. By choice.

I thought it was a great question.

How else are we party to the masculine-centrism?

i dont think i'm guilty of defining the way male/masculine identified persons do the business of their lives, whether i agree with how they do it or not. could be wrong tho'.

if ANY person wants to do the "world domination" attitude thing i dont feel any need to participate in their delusions of grandeur. i'd rather snicker to myself from the sidelines or slap them down in my own special ways.

do we judge one another in harshly? oh hell yes.

my "at home politics" and my "world politics" are so different as to be two distinct realities. i'm not at all confused about them and neither is any Lover who wants more than a passing chance with me.

if i choose to use pink fonts, to wear maribu and lace, to fuck myself with a hello kitty vibrator or any other so-called "girly" behavior and someone thinks i'm less intelligent or that i'm doing such things "for" someone else they can suck my dick (she said delicately).

i'm swamped with paraphernalia that extols whatever measurable intelligence i've managed to exhibit as well as my professional success over the long term. i'm a damn smart bitch and i'm also damn submissive in intimate situations. i'm also a fairly decent human being. the fact that i like to be held down and fucked like an expensive whore or that i live and breathe my Lover's desires when we find we have mutual free time and opportunity has nothing to do with my intelligence or my ability to take care of my car and home maintenance or to de-worm the cat without help from a Guy.

i choose the girly things FOR me, no one else. whenever i've decided to be without Lovers i didnt stop with the girly stuff. it's MY stuff. it's ME. it's not an act for someone else.

my lesbian friends used to ream me for being myself all the time. we're not friends anymore. if my femme friends begin to do the same i'll happily do without them as well. i love my friends but without them, i'm just fine.

in case it needs to be said, i'm not getting my temper on or anything. i just wanted to answer this (very valid) question from well within my own space.