Baby Butch Journey
 

I think I've met the love of my life, BUT she lives with her girlfriend due to finances. Don't want to lose her, but don't have her anyway. What to do, what to do.

that sounds like a sticky situation... you do have choices... just protect yourself from getting so deep that you actually wind up not having her And getting hurt.

but it could work... and i hope it does for you... be patient and understanding.

just my 4 cents...

Since you asked...
 

I am trying to think of a kind way to say this: finances may not be the only reason they are together. People have all kinds of reasons for remaining together besides love.

Get on with your life. If she really cares about you, she will move out. She can get a roommate, 2 roommates, etc. If she stays anyway, at least you will be living your life.

One can't live on hope. Take it from one that wasted a lot of years doing just that.

I hope it works out for you.

I am with Anya on this one but I don't have a kind way to say it really. Don't fall for someones excuse who seems like they want to have their cake and eat it to. Another lesson I learned long ago is that if someone creeps around or cheats on someone to be with you then don't for one minute think at some point they won't do it to you since they have already proven to be untrustworthy and capable.

Lastly I think it is bad karma....we reap what we sow so watch where and how you mingle with something that is taken

Can you call her anytime on the landline? Have you all been together in the same room? Does she talk to you differently when her "ex" is in the same room w/ her? Is it ok for you to just show up at the door while her "ex" is there (I say ex b/c you said g/f I assume it it supposed to be her ex).

I ask these questions b/c sometimes- often I bet that two people that break up live together for awhile out of convenience. I wouldn't write her off, anyone off unless there is evidence, signs that she's keeping you a secret... if it's all very open I'd say give it a good go.

Move on and go about your own buisness.
You are being set up to rescue her and her
pattern of finding a new one while still with
someone else could go on the rest of her life.
9 times out of 10, she will be lining up her next
one while your still living with her or your stuff
is still there.

Find a woman who is okay being single and has
been for quite some time. Otherwise all the
bullshit overlaps and you are in a relationship
that is anything but healthy. She will project
all her insecurities and trust issues onto you.
All patterns tend to repeat themselves, until
people take the time to work on their shit.
:coffee:

IF she lives with the girlfriend, (I noticed you didnt say ex-girlfriend) for financial reasons, make sure she has her finances in order before she moves in with you. Do not offer to help her out with those finances, dont send her money if she cries help. I dont know you, I dont know the girl, but I've read MANY MANY stories on how someone helped the love of their lives, financially, and never saw the girl, or the money again.

call me a cynic if you please, but reality costs far less than fantasy.

Have to agree with everyone. The red flag should have been when she said she lives with her gf for financial reasons.

Oy
 

"BUT she lives with her girlfriend"

until that sentence structure changes I would STAY AWAY!

Is this like a friend girlfriend or an ex girlfriend or what?? I'm confused. LOL

Everyone is quick to tell you to run. I understand what you are going through however. Sounds like you already fell for the girl. Do you spend time with her? Can you spend time with her at your place? Someone else asked if you are able to talk to her whenever?

As I see you may or may not have her. Not sure what is going on with her living with her "girlfriend." Not sure why you are calling this person her girlfriend. I've been in a situation when I've had an ex living with me after we just broke up do to finances and I was dating someone else. It can work and it doesn't have to be all about sex people! Exes can remain friends. They can be respectful of you trying to move on even if they are living with you. Sometimes it's a mutual breakup but they may live together till they figure out finances or out of a lease, etc.

What I would consider in this situation is do you believe you have her, is she with you? Is this supposed to be a committment? Maybe you need to ask her what it is if you are confused.. I say go with your gut. If you feel it's fishy it probably is my friend. Good luck. If you like who she is though I wouldn't give up to easily. You'll figure it out.

I agree with you ruff.

While her living arrangements are sketchy, it doesn't mean that she is a predator waiting for the next victim to pounce on. I don't think you can make a good assessment of her based on one bit of information. You're limiting yourself if you do that. I suggest you get to know her from a safe emotional distance. Don't let yourself get too emotional or too vulnerable. You should take this approach with anyone you meet online or in person. You really can't get to know someone until you spend time interacting with them. Don't fall too quickly.

Don't be the solution to someone's problem. Let her first work out her problems and challenges, find a place and then begin a new relationship with you.

Okay...

When I met Dreamer, I was still living with my "ex," due to a number of reasons. Bottom line, no matter what, my ex and I were still family and were quite intertwined. We still are in many ways (financially, etc). Though we have not lived together for 18 months, we did. We remain close and continue to love and respect one another. She is an integral part of my life and my children's. EX in the picture does not mean cheating and dishonesty (always).

There was no hidden agenda for our living together, it was open and honest. There are many people who break up and for whatever their reasons are, they must remain that way until the situation can change.

So, don't be so harsh to judge - Because really... You could be speaking about Dreamer and I - And giving the advice to run. And we are still together and strong.

Unless you know the facts -- And unless you (Blu) feel safe in that relationship and have the knowledge and trust this person - see where it goes. The other people could be right, run for the hills. However, it could be as simple as the truth your new person is giving.

There are risks in every new relationship. Go with your intuition. I know Dreamer did.

Julie

Hellloooooo Red flag !!!!!!

:seeingstars:<-------------red flag hitting you over the head ....

Sounds like a red flag . Just sayin !

I had a couple really bad experiences with partners with exes around. NO THANK YOU. That will never happen again to me, no matter what an angel an ex might be. I dont have it in me.

But this is about you. You say you dont want to lose her. Well, that tells me she is seen as "property". From one person to the next, possession seems to be the key here in your statement.

A gal isnt a possession...a gift, yes, but not a possession. If she is yours, she is yours. It wouldnt matter if Mother Theresa lived with her or Cassonova.

can you see the difference....?

It's great when a situation like this works out as well as Julie and Dreamer's, and part of their relationship, I think, is mutual maturity and honesty from day 1. However, to be honest, it usually just turns into a messy situation. You need to be clear if this is "broken up but both are free to move on" or if there's an element of sneaking around and "not quite broken up". There doesn't seem to be enough information to tell.

If you just met, You may not have enough information on this girl's character, let alone if she's truly your great love. All the better not to get too enmeshed and just see how it goes.

Trust your deepest instincts, and don't make excuses or let this girl pee on your leg and tell you it's raining. Get to know her before you get your heart involved (that's for any relationship, actually ;)).

Thanks everyone for the comments and advice. I believe that I am still an unknown to all who know her.

I am still unknown to people around her....

update is overdue
 

sooo.....she is still living with the ex, but moving soon. We have spent some amazing time together although not nearly enough for me. :) She isn't moving because of me though, which I don't feel she should. I recently found out that there is also another person she has been interested in.....hmmmm. I've told her a few times that I'm done trying and it pisses her off. We do this pull and push thing with eachother. So here I've stayed because I want to believe what she tells me. I want her to feel safe and know that I will be here. We have such an intense emotional and physical chemistry when we are together. She is a beautiful person inside and out, but is she trustworthy? The other person she's interested in doesn't know about me either, but she has told me that if we continue she will have to tell her. I don't want to lose her. Is she just in a very confused space or is she just playing us both? I really want to believe!

If you've told her "a few times" that you're done trying, you're not done trying.

Beautiful people on the inside don't suddenly have another potential woman in the wings. Beautiful people don't engage in the "back and forth" and all the drama of being together. Beautiful people don't get pissed off when you stand up for yourself.

Great chemistry doesn't mean squat if you have doubts to her trustworthiness. That's what you're really asking us; does this sound like a lot of smoke up your nethers, or the real deal?

Even if she is aboveboard, there are a lot more potential partners out there without all the sturm and drang. Really look at yourself, and ask if you are in fact more attracted to the excitement, and are women without all the drama "boring"?

You don't "have" her at all, and in my cynical little world, you, the other girl, and quite possibly the not-so-ex are all going for a ride. I'm sorry, though; I know well how that chemistry feels.

Sounds like she just broke up with someone and is seeing what dating is like again. She may need the space to do that for awhile until she's ready for something more serious.

Questions that you should ask yourself, include (but are not limited to)

Is this woman of the 'serial relationship' variety? How do I feel about being in a relationship with her, while she is still outprocessing the previous one?

If I'm questioning trustworthiness now, and it's obvious that she is not a full-diclosure type person (since you are an unknown entity in her life) how will that impact, and affect my feelings, confidence and self worth in the future? How is this affecting me now?
Is she honestly just dating, and I want more, and possibly reading more into this experience? Although, in an honest dating scenario, all parties are aware of the situation, and that there is no exclusivity agreement.



It sounds like a TIMEOUT is called for, at this point. You might want to clarify your own expectations, desires, and wishes for your next relationship, discuss them with her, and find out what hers are as well, followed by a week's timeout to think.

I truly wish you the best!

Me in green.
 

You need to understand your own needs before you can commit to another.

Never be another's option when you want a commitment. Poly relationships are one thing, being played for a fool is another.

My .05 adjusted for inflation.

Initially, the words 'girlfriend' and 'lose' made my dander kick up. First, if it's a current girlfriend, then all need to know what's going on. Second, you lose your keys, not a human being. If you are feeling that at this point, what happens when you have fallen for her to kingdom come and back?


Actually, I agree wholeheartedly with Sachita. Let her get on her feet and then see where things lie before jumping into anything serious.

So she's keeping you a secret? That's not good...

This makes my head ache. Let's look at this from a slightly different angle. Why should you go for this?

Um, she trips your sex trigger.
She's easy on the eyes.
She feeds into your needs.

I would be very, very careful. It doesn't have anything to do with her still living with an ex. Lots of folks do that. It has to do with the fact that she's already playing mind games with you and you don't even 'have' her. She's keeping you secret from a lot of people and she won't commit. Then she gets upset when you insinuate that you don't want this and are 'done'. She reels you in and tosses you out and you go along with it.

I have no idea how old you are, but if you are.....oh, let's throw a number out there....30 or older, you should know better. If you are in your teens or twenties, then this will serve as a learning experience for you. I just hope that it doesn't make everything more difficult for the really nice girls out there who like you later on.

Save your heart and your love for the worthy.

I personally think your mind is made up and you are going to chance everything to be with her as long as you can, at any cost to your self esteem and soul.

that being said, maybe you didnt really want advice, but needed to talk yourself into it and the easiest way to do that would be to counter(justify) against everyone's opinions that warn you to be on guard.

I could be VERY wrong. I also have been in that position and its why I recognize it. But maybe its just projection and I should keep quiet...

I just dont want to see you hurt. By yourself