Do you think saying "I love you" always has strings?
 

I love my girl... I fear saying so. I make a habit of reminding her I am not 'in love' with her. {sigh} ...but d*mn, it would feel so good to say it out loud.

(f)

Oy Vey
 

You could always let her read this thread so she has some inkling on what the hell is going on...

You could write her a note that says I love you.

Or sky writing I love you.


You know it is possible to love someone and not "be in love" with them, maybe that's what needs to be examined, what kind of love you have for her and if it's not the kind she is wanting, needing, having to have then it's up to her to bounce you out her life or keep you around to remind her how much you don't love her....


One could have love with strings attached to it, I do though it's not really a string it's a nice leather leash;)

Oh and it's consentual, the leash and strings, or rope, or tape, or whatever else is laying around...

Well I for one believe that love has no strings attached to it. If I love someone or they love me it is not a promise of some kind of particular outcome it's an emotional/energetic state of being for as long as it stays that way.

However, that being said, many others hear those words and suddenly are planning their future wedding. So I think it's good to be clear first about what love and in love actually mean to you. Perhaps have that conversation first? It might also be a way to see what page she is on as well.

I agree with the others, it's also important to decide which of those two (love or in love) it is as well. It takes time and experience of someone in order to properly make that assessment imho.

Good luck and enjoy the lovely feelings of joy you are experiencing with another human being :)

Life has ways of making the simplest things complicated. I can say things like, "I adore you." - "You are importaint to me." - "I am so grateful to have you in my life!" --so I say it out loud in other ways-- but not, 'I L-O-V-E you.'

I feel the responsibility. Those words really mean something to me. And I posted this as a 'poly' thread because she is not my primary, and never will be.
It is a 'friends with benefits' relationship, and she lives 4 and a half hours away, one way. We might get to see each other/ spend time together, 6 times a year and we are not fluid bonded. We have known each other over a year.

I worry (sort of) about her getting hurt, I would like her to date others. But she isn't out. She was many years ago, but when that realtionship fell apart she married a man, and stayed with him 8 years, and has now been divorced from him 3 years. This is not a problem for me, just a bit of history to show why I worry about her feelings. She grew up being told and believeing she is going to hell... ~yadda yadda~

So, to shorten the story... I am her 3rd voluntary relationship in her whole life. She is 44 now, I am 47. (just for reference and I have had MANY relationships)
regarless of how I 'feel' .. I think I need to protect her, form a lack of relationship experience... I have promised to always be her friend before anything else.

So I struggle with the balance.

(and I need to talk it out some of my own feelings and thoughts before I say something to her) We have talked frankly about the difference between "love" and being... "in love"

we talk several times a week... she has been to my home and met my family I have been to /stayed with her at her home and met her family.

I REALLY don't want her hurt!

(chuckles)
I did try to scare her off... but d*mn she has read almost everything I have ever posted on line. She knows almost as much about me as I do!

I love you all.

I have to say, I felt a rush of peace... as I read these responses,
My common sense feeling all along has been to not say it.

I have waited and tried to get the relationship passed the, early stages of "its so wonderfull to have someone in my life" phase...

I have struggled with feeling like a jerk.. because I have not been completely upfront with her about this issue,... I can talk things to death!

I think my life experience is warning me ...that she will feel more attached if I said what I feel. It never would have gone this far if I didn't care for her. But, I can love someone and walk away... she has said she can too.

but I think, ... my gut is warning me that ..she really isn't at that level.
the conflict.. has been I am a very open and honest person... and I haven't told her. (but, I may have told everyone else in the whole world.)

---
And I very much appreciate everyone hashing this out with me.

Choose Love
 

I spent many, many years inside my own head, worrying about how what I said or did would be perceived. I never put myself out there unless I was sure that the other person felt the same way.

Recently I realized how important it is to let the people you care about know how much you care about them. I tell everyone that I love, that I love them, that I appreciate them, that I am glad they are in my life. Life is too short to keep that important information to yourself.

It is amazing how the more you share your love for others the more it is shared with you. I am truly blessed to have so many people in my life to love.

Risk is a part of life, but if you don't risk you don't really live.

Good Luck,
L

how about bringing something delectable to bed..something you can feed her and just say something sweet like.." i love the way you make me feel" or ' i love the way you kiss me" etc. you are using the word love but in an appreciative way most women would enjoy hearing.

does this person understand the difference between love and in love? If they do, I see nothing wrong with saying I love you, but dont think it would be a good idea to say...."I love you , but not in love with you" .. thats an ouch.

Whoa to which part Gemme

I know you're hurting, and I can't blame you, but that remark that I quoted is pretty icky and full of -isms.

Yes, thank you.

Actions speak louder than words so show her how you feel----no need to say anything that way :) .

Im sorry I didnt mean for it to seem like that.

Erased post.

I am all for telling the people I love that I love them.

Femmes are not fragile. BTW. Or more emotional lol. :) Some of us are, but just as many of us are not. Lot's of butches and lot's of people in general are emotional. :)

But back to the subject, if she knows she is in a poly relationship with you and everything is in the open and you love her, why qualify it? Love adds to love, it does not have to be I am INNNNNN love with one person and just love this other person like love has degrees.

If she knows the situation and you have been honest, it seems a bit patronizing to try to protect her from herself.

I would be more likely to say I love you and here is why and how.

Love and In Love ? What are some examples of Love vs IN Love ? I think Love is Love !! Black and White no Gray area ! I have loved and been loved I have hurt and been hurt but it was issues that we had as a couple that destroyed the beauty of the love ...

i truly appreciate this thread and i must say i have Not heard "i love you" in any way shape or form for a very, very, very, very long time.

i'm extremely sensitive and tenderhearted, yet also a realist, so if i should hear "i love you," i take it into perspective. my reply has been in the past "i love you too..." but by mere fantasy of ego that someone is actually feeling for me.

being the slightly jaded individual i am... my reply now would be "okay, i care about you..."
nothing more, nothing less.

are there strings attached to saying "i love you??" perhaps consequences, yes.

hope this helps. :)

awww dog'it.... (laughing)... many of the recent post, point out the pickle of emotions that mix with being poly... I still feel love for my previous GF...

The long discussions of what is 'love' vs what is 'in love'... these conversations have taken place. Her words, define "in love" as willing to do what ever it takes to keep the relationship going -until you just can't stand it any more and have to get out- that doesn't match my definition,

to me "in love" is more like the fascination (almost like infatuation) the 'can't quite figure out what it is about you, but I sure do want to find out'

commitment is a whole other level.

I love friends and family and sometimes pets... I am not 'in love' with any of them... and I have no 'unconditional' commitments.

I can say 'I love you" to family and friends, but adding sex to the relationship, makes it a picky issue.

I get this. Loving is pretty easy for me. I genuinely love many people. I can love someone and we can have great sex but I have no need to take to the next level or create a partnership with them. I've always been a bit perplexed by the whole love thing. I don't understand why it ever has to end. It should evolve and change but never end.

I could easily do poly with the right people, however I also dominant and often my control is viewed as possessive. I don't need to love you to own/control you but chances are I'll need to respect you and somewhere love is most likely going to brew. So if I say "I'm IN LOVE" with you it probably means I'm intimately fucking you, hanging out with you and that I see a future with you. BUT as we all know that could change any time. At this point in my life I'm thinking love is enough and to be honest I want to love as many people as I can. Hopefully I'll fuck a few of them too.

Ah... and there is the rub of it -- I realize that is exactly what I am doing.

How would you (as in anyone who reads this) feel -- to find out long after the fact (so to speak) that someone loved you and did not trust you with the whole truth? ... sigh...

If she was in my face right now, ... telling me she had read this thread, and asked why I won't say it... I would have to look her in the eye and say, "???"
(stalling for time to think of a good answer)

I would say, "Because, what I feel, and what I am willing to stand by, as a commiment are not the same thing. Love beyond friendship is not what I am able to give to you. If my feelings are in conflict with my commiment to be your friend, then that is where the line is drawn. I promised to be your friend first. The rest takes second place to that."

I love ya ;)

Everything seems to always have strings but they don't have to be chains.