Halp! I never developed gaydar and I need...
 

some help. well. "need". I don't need, but I'm busting to know cause I fancy her. But I have never ever needed gaydar before. But what to do when someone reads like either a very athletic jockular lad-like straight woman, or a very butch flavoured lez that just doesn't ID as anything.

She's my Remedial Massage senior instructor. Bit drill sargent like, cocky, funny, show-off, takes the piss, etc... works with two british olympic teams and has a body of solid wirey muscle and hands that can do unbelievably magic things, holy crap.

I posted it in my blog to field for some advice on gaydar but I want to field here:

Link to my blog clicky. But also posted below

GAY........

you do recall how much I absolutely friggen adore you!!!

Imagine ( and I am sensing that you perhaps can now) how us butches feel, in that wondering.. "is she? isn't she?" .. smiles...

From what you have shared.. whether she is or isn't.. she IS interested. Does it really matter if she spikes a 9.2 on your geigercounter? I mean... really? The direction things are going with gender/ sexual ambiguity, it won't matter in 10 years... so.. be a trendsetter!

Have fun with what your heart/head/ loins are being led toward... You have nothing to lose, other than.. opportunity.

oh yes, it completely corsse dmy mind this is how butches feel. which is why when one bothers to flirt with me, I give "FULL STEAM AHEAD SAILOR" type signals. And also why I do things like hold eye contact, grin like an asshole and wink while showing as much boob as is possible without my nipples leaping out. So far that's been enough. Though I am very much often the one asking them out. So. as much sympathy as I've got... I've always been a clean reading!

ner.

well I can't do much, she's my instructor for the next 10 months on my master's level remedial massage. And I can't screw it up by attempting to get doinked by my instructor. But it's a nice crush to keep me interested in the school when it gets hard. And fabulous to ask her for "tutorials" when I need "extra help"

I wish my personality didn't smash on the ground in front of her. ugh.

deedarino: ok... why? give me some solid reasoning!

awwwwwwwwwww..... even more endeared.... smiles... hang in there lady! :rrose:

[QUOTE=honeybarbara;583709]

well I can't do much, she's my instructor for the next 10 months on my master's level remedial massage. And I can't screw it up by attempting to get doinked by my instructor. But it's a nice crush to keep me interested in the school when it gets hard. And fabulous to ask her for "tutorials" when I need "extra help"

When you wrote that she was you instructor, I paused for a moment because it brought back some memories for me. Red flags went up. While in my PhD program I had an Professor flirt, touch me and even kissed me once. It was not something I wanted from her, she was my Professor and had control over grades and possibly pull with my committee. Since it was something I did not want and did not cultivate other than being an nice, honest, out trans person. I felt she took advantage of her position as faculty in my department. The situation did not go well and others got involved.
I guess all I am saying is wait for your 10 months to be over. If she is truly interested in you she will wait as you seem to be willing to do. (she doesn't have a say in your program of study does she? that could be a major problem) I know that relationships to occur between faculty and students. I just wanted to let you know of a story that may be different from yours, but the power inequality is still the same, Professor and student. The student has more to lose than the Professor especially if the Professor is tenured. Take this for what it is only a cautionary tale, and good luck with the Master's program.

I concur with Deedarino... GAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

I also concur with Julien... get to know her and develop some sort of rapport beyond the sexual tension. If you're pals-ish in the next while, maybe drop a hint in a few months? If it lasts the next 10 months, good luck to you. :)

No worries J, I'm 42. It's oxford. I've been through uni before with a crush on one of my profs.

if she did snog me, it wouldn't be unwanted. However I think both of us are old enough to know much better and I know all about power imbalances. She does not mark my papers or my exams. she is the clinical hours assessor and the clinical trainer. I know what she has the power to do (or undo).

I'm not looking for someone to be "truly interested in me" who has only known me a few weeks. I obviously don't have a bloody clue who she is - so it's just lust.

I do appreciate the warning, love. Sincerely. it's nice that you are concerned.

But like I said - I'm not going to risk an education I've taken a massive loan out for at the top Remedial Massage school in the country that I busted my ass to qualify for to toss it on a shag with a hottie - after all, more than likely it wouldn't last and then I'd still have to face her at assessments and clinical training. fun. not.

but I still don't know if she is *actually* gay. That's the question!

what do you think? is she??? isn't she??? why??? why not???

anyone can play... cmon I wanna hear some reasons! or hey ask me questions you would need to know the answer to in order to answer it, like "does she listen to bad women's indie rock" or "does she own a cat" or some such nonsense.

She did tell me that I was naughty and my nail polish had to go. and gave me a stern look. yum.

whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? what bit looks gay?? help me deveolp gaydar!

how does she know you are a lesbian? you could find out if she is the same way she found out you are.

this is the perfect time for that universal code word. i haven't come up with one yet LOL.

from what you have told, she does sound rather butch. but the biggest thing i sense is an over active ego.

when she talks about picking up her bike. when she talks about not getting on the couch. sure seems like a butch lesbian to me.

if the timing were right, you could say, "hey, i'm all up in the kool-aid and i don't even know the flavor." wink, flirt like she does.

Why not just ask her?

Agreed. It feels a little distasteful to speculate based on a few actions or outward appearance. It's no different than speculating on a tennis player's orientation because she "looks" butch or femme. Get to know her and you'll find out everything you want to know.

Ask my senior instructor and assessor of a high end institution if she's gay???

I think I'd be told "why the hell is it your business, exactly?" and then given a hard boot.

I got pressups this morning for merely forgetting my pen.

And I *am* distasteful!

I actually had a similar question about a physical therapist once. I was in a relationship and so my speculation was idle, but appreciative. She seemed flirty toward me until she found out I was a lesbian. She was flirty with straight girls. She had a boyfriend. She walked like a stable-boy. Eventually I heard through the itsybitsy lesbian grapevine there that she'd told my friend's girlfriend that she thought she might be gay but she didn't know.

Anyway, even if she's a lesbian, she may not be out or may not have figured it out. I had the pleasure of spending 6 weeks in Oxford once. It totally threw off my gaydar. All the men seemed a bit gay and all the women too. I think people put out different signals to some extent from region to region and culture to culture.

Actually it's similar in Texas - we have a lot of masculine straight women here who are straight or who are at least living straight-looking lives.

I don't find it distateful to wonder if somebody is a lesbian or not. And I agree it wouldn't be appropriate to outright ask (in your specific situation). I think I'd try to enjoy the not knowing for a while. She does sound flirty to me though.

I think that it's a delightful guessing game to keep that part of your brain off wanker until you pass your course..

I think, that after you are graduated.... well, there is the brazen blond femme who know exactly what to do after you are graduated...


My vote goes for HOT....

It sounds like there is a bit of energy exchange and well, reading your discription of her made me wiggle and blush a little...

How she ID's? who knows... but I'd like to be in a room with her...

she is HOT lol

today though, she was extemely caring about my future in a tutor type way and yeah, it's just a game until I graduate.

blog link

so yeah, I think Nat, I'll keep it at appreciative. She's looking out for me and for that, I owe some respect of a different kind. By working as hard as I can.

Oh my gawd...you are so f*cking cute right now...*chuckle*...this post was pure pleasure, I can so relate to your conundrum...in a way.

I don't think I've ever actually *cared* if they were gay or not, if I really wanted them and could feel that they obviously were feeling it for me too..But, I have been torturously curious at times.
For example: I had a quite strong and sexy (yes, she knew it, and had some sort of otherworldly-witchy mojo running thru her veins) yoga instructor, who once took her shirt off in the ladies locker room and stood right in front of me w/ her lovelies right at my eye level...just a talkin' away..and continuously staring into my eyes until I could feel my cheeks burning right off of my face. :blush:

This was only one, out of quite a few...um curious little scenarios where she would corner me...and where I would jet. I think now, that she thought I was straight, and she enjoyed doing that kind of stuff to me, just to watch me squirm...or to see if I dug her like that.
She also had...and I kid-you-not..a harem of so-called straight, married, female admirers that followed her about wherever she went, while in the gym.

It was quite impressive...this effect she had on women. :daddy:

*chuckle*

I still have no clue whether or not she was or wasn't...or was somewhere in-between. It is still a big mystery..and I'm sure *not* just for me. :sunglass:

To me gaydar is about recognition. We just notice what we recognize. You recognize some things, actions in her (she has some butch style for sure) but her "look" is causing misfires in your brain...lol.

What I see in your description is a person who knows you are gay, and is purposefully sending you "hints" to say...hey look at me. Now she may not be gay, but she is definitely enjoying the ride...

The best part of all will be figuring out why she is enjoying the ride. The next 10 months are gonna FLY by...lol.

If anyone finds an extra gaydar look and see if its mine,I never did get the delivery on it..so clue less.

well, I suppose it might be her look, but long hair doesn't normally get in my way of recognising... I think I'm wary because she's a world class athletic jock tuner-uper. So she's very jock herself (she has to be. She lifts, flips, physically restrains, 6 foot plus rugby players, large and powerful swimmers etc) - she knows her anatomy inside out and can take you down with a thumb jabbed in the right place) and having been on rowing teams in university myself, I KNOW how dykey they look/feel/present but are absolutely straight and get extremely offended if you think they are gay - due to everyone calling them dykes all the time.

*IF* I still feel attracted to her by the end of the course I'll ask her out. However, because she is so firmly taking me in hand to mould me into a graduate worthy of the institution and possibly having a shot at the one placement offered end of course, I need to knock the attraction on the head and shove it where all unavailable people go (sexy mates who have wives etc) and that's in a small box in the back of my head to fade. I'm very capable of doing this, very *used* to doing this lol

So by the time 10 months pass there's a chance I'll just be "over it".

But I would still like to know! It's an interesting game this! and never played it before! I always found it DULL when people speculated about highly feminine women. But yeah, she has the presenting bravado and masculine attitude that I recognise in my exes. lol and the ME ME ME LOOK AT ME I CAN MAKE YOU LAUGH thing I find very sweet and typical.

Recently, I've dated two dykes who didn't ID as anything but I've said to one "you know for someone who doesn't like to be called a duck, you quack louder than many ducks I've known..."

and when things ended, she wrote me and thanked me for helping her come to understand herself and realise who part of her really was.

The other one was similar. They both also had habits of screwing around with bicurious bored housewives (they live in very small towns and villages) rather than the 2 other single lesbians.

Both these women were over 45. And watching them come in contact with parts of themselves denied, purely because of the long term relationships they were in ... they loved their partners and had no idea the private things about themselves they stuffed into boxes as "unimportant and ok to sacrifice" were actually VERY important. Being someone's first femme at 40+ .... I have to say it's deeply lovely to watch them blossom into themselves.

So I DO wonder sometimes with the ones that don't ID, what is it about *me* that they are attracted to.

Those types of dykes there *is* sort of a mental checklist for me to see if there's a butch put in a box. One is how they physically interact with me. That's big. The second is their history of choice in local partners. third in language about sex, if we get to casually blabbing around it. They will hide things so they don't appear to want something "like a man" because they've probably been criticized about it, but I can leave a very obvious bread crumb trail and make it very obvious I'm not going to judge them and in fact I loooooove what they have been thinking about when they've been screwing those bisexual curious bored housewives.

So it's nice to speculate about if Senior Instructor would enjoy that... would I be her first in that way? Or is she actually partnered with someone who does that already? Does she have a male partner? etc.

Re: Yoga instructor - LOL! Great story!

you know a straight friend of mine had a horrible straight-girl crush on a belly dance teacher and followed her everywhere. I know these straight girl crushes. I've had straight girls do that to me. It's strange. They even want to snog etc but I can tell sexual curiosity from honest deep lust. I have had two striaght mates have odd straight girl crushes on me for *years*. I think those ones are my "romantic friendships" - platonic. I can do that with femmes myself. I get femme crushes that I highly doubt I'd enact on (welll... heh... that's a lie, I can think of a couple of femmes I'd be happy to have a friendly roll with...)

Speculations... definitely a fun game. It's just never been something I've been able to join in and play before!

Damn, I love the way you...er..put things, hb...Raaawr..

Okay...back to the topic at hand. What I want to say to you is, I can't believe you're actually wondering what it is about you that this "Senior Instructor", would be attracted to.....:sunglass:.....:wtf:

You have an....APPEAL....ok....that is ~quite~ unique unto itself.
And I've only read a few of your *posts* here.
That's really the last thing you should be asking...you sexy b*tch...(sorry, forget that last part).

The fun *is* in the trying to discipline yourself...even though, it probably feels like slow and agonizing water torture....and your body wants to do quite the opposite. And also with the wondering about her...feels just as good as it aches...doesn't it?

Enjoy this part, whatever happens in the end....*this* only comes around once, luv.

:rose:

It is sooooo hard to tell....is she? isn't she? why not? what is she thinking?

Here in the US, I would say probably Gay? But who knows really?

It does sound like school is way more fun with her there! :)

thanks talon, that was really nice!

And yeah, she massages world class altheticaly scultped bodies and although I'm curvy with massive tits and I'm not painful to look at, I'm no athlete. I'm a slightly chubby 42 year old woman with a lot of skills but she has nooooo idea about them lol.

So I am rather baffled if she is interested. Which I'm finding a bit hard to believe, aside from mentoring me.

Anyway, it is fun and when I can indulge in it, it keeps my mind off of being dateless, needing some sex, a cuddle and watching my exes finding the women of their dreams. I'm glad, everyone deserves to be happy, and I do have a ton of studying to do, and working... But having someone to giggle over some attention feels nice. Would be nice if they were available!

today, I'm a bit fed up with everything. I'm tired, grumpy, I would like some physical affection and someone to get me a glass of juice, damn it.

tomorrow back at it and no time to sulk!

Hang in there babe...I still stand by what I said about you....You could charm the skin off a snake.

gosh really? I'm always envious my my very charming exes and wish I had their ability. Maybe I've picked up a bit?

Thanks talon, that's a lovely thing to hear! x

Well, if they truly were charming...I doubt that they would have chosen a boring ol' sap to bump nasties with....right? They chose you...right?....Right.


:vampire:

*chuckle*

I was doing some back reading and found this thread...

But to fill you all in.... She *was* gay! And turns out, yes, Butch in the way she related to her partner and the relationship they had, but she did not ID as Butch. Well. Not publicly. I found ID to be a private matter with many people in southern England (though not always) and many people would not tell you they ID'd as anything unless you had a quiet and intimate conversation with them that required actually knowing them.

Yes, but did you snog? (Am I using the word correctly?)

I've never had the 'gaydar' thingy myself! I once worked with a straight women who swore she could tell however so we'd joke and say she got my gaydar!

I guess I really don't need any help..IF per chance a femme spots me in a crowd..she'll know for sure!

Yeah. I'm pretty oblivious. I've even had waitresses two different times give me free drinks for hours, and both times I was like, wow! She's really nice. Then way after the fact notice their name and numbers on the napkins.~>Dork