Friendship Survey
 

I wasn't sure where to post this—I don't think of friendship as a "fluffy" topic,
and it doesn't really belong on the "lifestyles" shelf.
This seemed the best placement, if only by default.

This Friendship Survey is a departure from what is more often, on the site,
a focus on what kind of romantic or sexual partner we are and want.

Instead, the focus here is what kind of friend we are and want.

And who knows, in an indirect way, it might help people
hook up with each other. I know for me, the kind of friend a person is,
tells me what kind of partner she might be.

Of course, it's also just another excuse to talk about yourself.
Or to go off on one point that the survey triggers,
and ignore the rest.

(It's long—so feel free to just pick the items that "speak" to you.)

All good, IMO, as it builds reflection, and I for one,
need that right now.

:goodluck::goodluck::goodluck::goodluck:

Friendship Survey

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?

4) Are finances a consideration?

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours?

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours?

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours?

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours?

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?

7) …your small or adult children like your friends?

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together?


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV

6) Participating in team sports

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)

8) Shopping

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals

11) Other


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?



BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person? depends on the friend :) i have a lot of friends who don't live close by, so i see them once or twice a year, maybe a little less. friends i live near, i tend to see weekly or every few weeks depending on our schedules. sometimes more often :)

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend? pretty frequently...i use facebook to stay in touch with friends a lot (because i have support groups there with people i'm close to and only see in person infrequently). i'm pretty comfortable with skyping and emailing. phone freaks me out a little but once i get really comfortable with someone i'm okay with talking on the phone regularly :)

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend? again, it depends on the friend and activity. i don't have kids but i like kids and i'm totally comfortable being around them. so i'm cool with friends bringing their kids, or not bringing their kids :)

4) Are finances a consideration? yes! i like doing activities that require money, and i love going out for dinner or whatever, but i also don't always have money and a lot of my friends don't have money either. so it just depends on the friend. most people i hang out with, we're comfortable enough with each other to be like "hey, i can't afford to go out for coffee this week, can we have coffee at our house instead?" so i'm really flexible where that's concerned.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration? yes! i love going out but will only go out a lot with friends who are sensitive to the fact that i can't go places with lots of stairs, or that if we go drinking/dancing there needs to be a place to sit down and keep stuff...like one of my friends will usually sit and drink and watch our stuff while i'm dancing with other friends, etc. i also can't stand up for long periods so some activities like shopping marathons are hard for me. and i don't drive right now so i'm lucky that my friends are considerate about either finding me a ride or making sure things are walking/bus-ing distance. i have a lot of friends who are vegan so we cook at home instead of going out to restaurants, or who are in wheelchairs so we have to make sure wherever we go is wheelchair accessible, etc. so i'm used to collectively making access happen :) to me it strengthens a friendship.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration? not really - i work from home and my hours are super flexible right now.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it? because of my health issues, last-minute stuff is really hard for me. i rarely have the luxury of being spontaneous. usually when friends text me at 5pm and are like "hey, wanna go to this bar at 7pm?" i'm like...can't do it tonight. i need advanced notice most of the time.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships? i can be friends with anybody :)

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person? yes. the only time that's really been an issue is when someone disrespected my partner and treated them like shit...then i cut that person off. but i have friends who don't get along with my partners.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend. i have a friend i've been close to for several years and she didn't like the way some of my other friends interacted on facebook, and she can just be really overbearing and a bully sometimes. since i don't always take her side she's been quietly cutting me out of important parts of her life where i used to be included. it sucks and it hurts, but i'm probably better off now. i maintain (loose) ties with her because we have a lot of mutual friends, some of whom i work with.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend. i don't think i've ever completely cut someone off, but i've had friends who i was really close to that i've become a lot less close to over the years because they don't accept certain things about me (like the fact that i am queer). i don't completely cut them out of my life because i love them, but at the same time i don't spend as much time around them because it can be toxic.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem? it depends on the situation and the friend. ultimately i think it's up to them to choose when/how/in what way they want help. so i can provide emotional support and understanding but i'm not going to try and push or force them into a situation. if they've made the choice to recover i would respect their recovery needs/whatever path they choose. for example, for me, i have had struggles with certain substances and i love the na environment but i have never felt fully comfortable there for certain reasons. however if a friend chose that path i would support them and make safe spaces for them to hang out without being around substances. at the same time, if that recovery environment isn't what they need i'd support them finding a different environment and respect their decisions.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship? i would support them emotionally and help them find resources to stay safe and take care of themselves. i would also respect their decisions about how they want to handle the situation.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do? again, depends on the situation... :) if they were open to polyamory i'd be willing to give it a try, but otherwise i'd probably just be honest that i have feelings towards them but i want to remain their friend and respect their relationship, so i'm not going to act on those feelings.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do? same thing - be honest about the feelings and if they are interested in exploring that and also have romantic feelings towards me i'd give it a shot, but if they're not, i'd respect that and not act on my feelings :)

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her? depends on how annoying the habit is and why they have it in the first place...? normally i wouldn't bring that up because there are very few things that annoy me THAT much that it would be worth trying to make someone change.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable. probably the situation above re: friends cutting me off/me cutting them off. the friend who is cutting me out of her life...really, part of it is about outgrowing each other. we're just moving in really different directions and don't have similar values/priorities anymore. i don't think it's important to be really similar in every friendship, but in this one it was.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time? 15 years. we met in 4th grade. we've gone through periods of being really close and not being really close (due to distance, lack of time, whatever.) but we just have a bond with each other where even if we haven't seen each other in a year it's like we can pick up right where we left off :)

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that? yes...i'm friends with almost all of my exes. i don't have a philosophy about it, that's just how it is, hehe :) we were friends before we got together and remained friends after we broke up. in one case, for a long time, he was probably my best friend in the world (and is still one of my closest friends). us being in a relationship was a total mistake, though...we're much better suited as close friends.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”? i find casual/unattached sex to be really difficult sometimes, so it depends on the person or the friendship. i tend to shy away from "friends with benefits." but i'm not completely against it.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner? i don't expect a friend to make a lot of time for me or check in with me all the time. i mean, i expect them to be there if i need them, but the level of emotional/physical commitment is much different. with a romantic partner, i expect to spend more time with them and they're usually the first person i call if i'm struggling with something.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend. 16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you. i've supported several friends through severe emotional struggles (eating disorders, self-injury, suicide, etc.), and they've supported me and been there for me, too.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone? someone who likes to argue a lot or turns every problem in the friendship into an argument...i would rather figure out what the problem is and how to fix it. i don't deal well with anger or combativeness as a first response. same goes for romantic relationships.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend? not really sure how to answer this :) i'm a pretty accepting person.


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? not important at all...i have friends who are 15 and friends who are 60 (i'm 24).

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? totally unimportant.

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? sort of important, in the sense that...it doesn't matter to me if our situations are similar but that the person is understanding about my situation and i am understanding about theirs.

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? totally unimportant. although i need them to accept that i'm very religious. (i don't care if they are.)

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? see "economic situation." i find i tend to bond more closely with folks from similar class backgrounds but as long as there's acceptance/understanding it doesn't really matter that much to me.

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? not important :)

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? not applicable.

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? not applicable.


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc. i would love this if it were single and/or available! i had a fun time with friends at a queer muslim retreat recently where we did single/available speed dating. i'd go with a friend to a singles event and support them but i often feel awkward at singles events being the poly person.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors depends on the activity. i can't do hardcore hiking, biking, running, etc. but i've had fun hiking with friends on easy (paved) trails. i love swimming and dancing alone or with people. doing yoga classes and stuff like that can be fun together too.

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater yes to all of the above :)

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else i'm more of a tabletop gamer, which i LOVE doing with friends, but sometimes also computer games can be fun. i don't really play video games that much but my partner is slowly getting me into them...i prefer stuff like mario kart or jeopardy as far as video games go, not the violent ones.

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV not a big sports fan.

6) Participating in team sports i can't play most team sports. i'd go and cheer them on though :)

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.) yes to all of the above!

8) Shopping depends on the situation...when i have money it can be fun. when i don't have money, not so fun, hehe. also as far as clothes/shoes go, because of my sizes i have to order stuff online a lot and shopping in stores can be frustrating. and shopping marathons are hard on my body. thrifting can be fun though. or grocery shopping together.

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants yes and yes! i LOVE cooking. and eating out :)

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals all of the above, depending on how physically accessible it is :) i love going on trail rides and almost never get to ride horses so that's fun to do together. i like fairs and stuff too. i haven't done a lot of bird watching or anything but i'd be open to trying it :)

11) Other making art together! taking art, dance, or writing classes together.


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out? can't think of anything.

BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way? no idea.

Gonna give it a shot! :)
 

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person? Some friends several times a week, some every month or so, some once a year, some less. It really varies.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
I text kisses and thinking of your's the most, email some, phone every now and then, have never skyped.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?
I have no children per say.

4) Are finances a consideration? Yes, money is tight.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration? I have some limitations yes. Allergies, asthma and some mobility issues. Depends on day.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration? Yes, I work full time Mon thru Fri and sometimes travel for work, sometimes on weekends.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it? I like impromptu fun stuff, having to make plans too set in stone in my free time stresses me out. I like to hang loose and play by ear.

Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships? I have many Butch and Femme friends.

2) If your partner did’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person? I don't have a partner

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend. I take breaks when I get stressed out.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend. Nothing dramatic, more drifting in and out.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem? Depends on how they act around me. Not my business really. I can't be around hard drugs and don't enjoy out of control behavior. I will not be aorund it.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship? People usually know they are abused, and mentioning it to them has never worked out well...but I would anyway. I would help however I could if they nedded me.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do? Focus on how important the friendship is and keep it to myself.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do? Depends on the friend.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her? No, and I would prefer if they not tell me about mine.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable. Again, people drift in and out for different reasons. Negativity and telling me what I should do make me back off.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time? My closest old friend I have known for 20 years, but I have friends I have known for 40 years or more. Sometimes it's hard and we may hang out less, but it comes back around.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that? Yes, I am very good friends with several of my exes. I have never been in a relationship with anyone I think is a bad person. We may not have worked out, but the friendship is still valuable.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”? Yay :), but can be difficult to pull off.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner? I expect way better behavior out of a romantic partner.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend. Helped a friend return to the US who had moved to another country with a girl and things did not work out.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you. Giving me a place to live, no questions asked, when I needed it. Came and got me when things were bad.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone? I take breaks from people who stress me out more than actually end friendships.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend? If my love is deep, most of them.


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? Not at all

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? Not at all

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? Not at all, as long as they respect my situation

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? Not at all, as long as they honor my beliefs

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? Not at all

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? Not at all

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? N/A

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? N/A. I do however, enjoy most of my friends kids and love hanging out with them.


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc. Single events scare me, they seem to imply I am looking to hook up. Too much pressure.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors. Would love someone to walk and or swim with.

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater LOVE film!

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else. I will play Rock Band and Farm Town. Lol. I will hang out if a friend enjoys playing, but I am horrible and dislike being goaded into actually playing. My nephew says "Aunt Jenny, you are really bad at video games"...

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV. I am not into sports, but it can be fun to go to live games to watch the crowds and cheerleaders. Football on TV puts me to sleep.

6) Participating in team sports. No. I am secret weapon for the other team. SO not athletic.

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.) Yes please!

8) Shopping. Sometimes, depends on how they shop.

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants. Yes please!

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals. I don't like crowds that much and am allergic to horses, rabbits, hay...but I love dogs.

11) Other. I love to hang out at pool and hang out at home and talk and listen to music and just hang out lol

Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out? Nothing, but I do want to add that I am a Southern Girl and prefer my friends keep their opinions to themselves or talk behind my back rather than giving me their opinions about my life unless I ask them. I can be elusive, hard to pin down and enjoy my time alone.

BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?
No, I think your questions were pretty neutral. :)

Friendship Survey


Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?
Many of my friends live a couple hours away, so usually once a month I see my bestie. My in-town friends, sadly between school and work, don't get a lot more time than that.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
Twice a week, unless he/she is a texter, then like every day.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?
If they have children, I suppose it would be. I like doing kid stuff, but I don't like taking kids shopping.

4) Are finances a consideration?
Nope

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?
Not for me

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?
Yup, I work weird hours, and go to school most weekends. Kinda limits my social interaction time.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?
I love last-minute planning. I'm a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl. Unfortunately, significant others don't seem to like this much, so I'm learning to schedule things in advance.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
LOVE my butch friends! Most of them are not that much fun to shop with though...

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?
Depends on the reason they didn't like them.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.
I can't really think of one, recently. My best friend when I was younger was a gay man, and he cut everyone out of his life to go start a new one.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.
When I found them to be dishonest or mean, or disrespectful of my time (she stood me up for get togethers multiple times, very last minute, with no good excuses). I don't have time for people who aren't truly good people in my life.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?
This rarely ends well. I tend to say something, they tend not to like the fact that I noticed. And BTW "substance abuse problem" does not mean just using something, it means an actual problem.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
If it's a very close friend and physical abuse, if I'm honest, I'd probably threaten to kill the abuser. I've never been in a fight, but I'm a fierce ally if I love you.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?
Distance myself until they went away.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?
If I was single...Pine.
LOL I don't make first moves.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?
Probably, though he/she may or may not change it.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.
I used to be more interested in having many friends rather than good ones, and as I grew up, I outgrew several friends as my standards got stricter.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?
23 years - when we get together, it's like no time has passed at all, though it may be years between our visits.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?
No, I'm trying to maintain some semblance of a friendship with my longest-relationship-ex, but I'm really not sure how people make this work. If you can, bully for you!

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?
Nice in theory, doesn't usually work.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?
I expect my friend to be probably more loyal and more brutally honest than a partner, but then again maybe that's just my experience with partners...

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.
I drove across the state to pick up a friend after her boyfriend beat her, and yes, I did threaten his life (hence my answer in question 6).

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.
I have some of the greatest friends in the world. My bestie has been there listening to every problem I've ever had, knowing how to cheer me up is one of the most difficult things I think a friend can do, and she always knows how to make me smile, no matter how sour my mood.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?
Dishonesty, drama addiction, snottiness.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?
slightly judgmental, know-it-all, shopping addiction :)

Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours?
not at all, most of my friends are significantly older.

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours?
intelligence level is more important than education level. i'm over-educated anyway.

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours?
as I get older, I realize that this should probably more important than it is. I don't necessarily mind, but it can suck to always be the one footing the bill for your friends.

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours?
not at all. (but no preaching)

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?
I'm not sure what my class background is...LOL our socio-economic status changed a lot. I don't get along well with really spoiled people.

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?
not at all

7) …your small or adult children like your friends?
n/a. my dogs will probably not like you, at first. Just FYI

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together?
If I have to drive somewhere for a weekend trip, the chihuahua is probably coming. Get used to it. :) and be glad I left the hairy one at home.

Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.
meh...if that's what ya wanna do, ok...

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors
very, I ♥ walking, even if it's not for "exercise", I walk a LOT.

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater
can be fun

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else
not required, but I have a Kinect, and the Star Wars game just came out I'm just sayin'....

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV
Not important. I like women's sports. I hate the NFL. I will only do that crap for a partner.

6) Participating in team sports
I suck at all sports, but I have heart! (dodgeball or bowling preferred. please don't make me catch a ball or swing at anything. it's not likely to happen)

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)
YES! please be geeky.

8) Shopping
Important, though I understand if this is not your thing. Must have good taste in shoes.

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants
I love to eat. I'm learning to love to cook, so bear with me on that one.

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals
I dig the zoo, I'll probably stick to the rides at the fair. I live in Oklahoma, I've seen enough cows to last a lifetime, thanks. I ♥ the dog park. I'm probably not a good birdwatching companion. I'm a terrible fisher(wo)man, so you'll have to bait my hook.

11) Other
"Other" is very important. Must be an "other" :tease:

Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?

Geekiness - must like at least one of the following things:

Science (astronomy/physics earns you extra coolness points)
History
Technology
Star Wars/Game of Thrones/Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (bonus points for all three)

BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

Yes, it made me immediately think of shoe shopping after I read that.

Aishah's friendship survey
 

From Aishah!

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc. i would love this if it were single and/or available! i had a fun time with friends at a queer muslim retreat recently where we did single/available speed dating. i'd go with a friend to a singles event and support them but i often feel awkward at singles events being the poly person.

Aishah, I never thought about that, how it would feel to be poly at a singles event! You just opened my eyes. Your whole survey was so thoughtful.

The Divahrrrself's friendship survey
 

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV
Not important. I like women's sports. I hate the NFL. I will only do that crap for a partner.


Diva your whole set of survey answers is so full of humor. I had no idea you were so funny—and so honest, too!

:)
Scout

Apocalipstic's Friendship survey
 

Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out? Nothing, but I do want to add that I am a Southern Girl and prefer my friends keep their opinions to themselves or talk behind my back rather than giving me their opinions about my life unless I ask them. I can be elusive, hard to pin down and enjoy my time alone.

Apocalipstic, this part is so interesting to me, a glimpse into what you identify as your Southern values. I had never heard it expressed that way. So fun to read your answers!

Scout

← does not follow directions well
 

Oops, too late to edit and change the color of the answers. My eyes are not that great either, you'd think I'd be more considerate.

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?

Maybe once or twice a month if local and once a year or every few years if not.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?

Never Skype, sometimes email, love to talk on the phone if it's someone who can get off when one of us wants without any awkwardness, like the way I talk to my mom (several times a day but often about nothing and sometimes for hours and sometimes just a few minutes).

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?

No, not even dog care. I have cats. Purrrfect!

4) Are finances a consideration?

No, if one of us or both of us does not have or want to spend money, I love to walk or sit in the park.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?

No. I would hope to always make every accommodation possible for anyone's health or accessibility issues.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?

I work a school schedule and take some classes in the afternoon / evening sometimes. I'm free right after school so sometimes it's frustrating to have an evening plan on a week day and have the "wait" time in between.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?

I enjoy planned or last minute activities.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?

I have both, and let's not forget the FTMs :)

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?

If it's very important to my partner, I would not. If it's not important, then I would. BB and I frequently have separate friends, and we don't mind that.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.

She got romantically involved with someone more conservative/mainstream and not BF identified and became pregnant, and we just veered in different directions. I think I subconsciously "tested" her by becoming particularly difficult. Subconsciously I think I wanted her to say, "I love you unconditionally. We'll get through this." I also wonder if I was being difficult because subconsciously I wanted to push her to end our friendship. In any case, when she did end it, I went into a grieving like the end of any longtime love, platonic or otherwise. My heart still has pangs.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.

She had a mean streak and wasn't there for me during an important time in my life. I wasn't able to talk to her about it or to let it go. I just distanced myself gradually and she took the hint. She was actually a rebound close friend from the one I described above. I remember when we met I told her what happened with the friend I described above and she said, "I'll be your new BFF." I thought, "Wow, how easy!" But of course, friends can't be replaced. Such a silly idea.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?

I tend to stay quiet about it unless it is glaring or help is asked for.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?

This is always difficult for me. How much to say, how much to keep quiet. It's so hard. I have a few close friends in abusive relationships, and I guess I just play it by ear.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?

Since I'm partnered, clearly the answer would be a foursome. Just kidding, but my mind always leans towards the perverse.


8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?

My friendships are deep, and I often have romantic thoughts about friends. I am also a flirt but in a monogamous relationship, so that is as far as it goes.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?

I don't think it's worth telling someone to act different just for me, so usually just ignore it. Maybe if it was really getting to me, I'd hint or bring it up directly.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.

I had a gay male friend who was off his rocker, tremendously difficult to deal with, but had a lot of strong points (Don't all gay men!). Finally, I just couldn't take the roller coaster and got off. Sometimes I regret it but mostly I'm relieved.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?

I have a friend, Lisa, who I used to walk to kindergarten with. She'd stay home if I was not going. Even though she ended up staying in small town Ohio, marrying a man, and having kids, and generally leading a much more conservative lifestyle than me, we somehow continue to share memories, humor, and love. Our friendship held. She has breast cancer, and I will fall to pieces if I lose her. She and her kids might visit this summer, and I visit them when I go to Ohio. There is nothing like an old friend.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?

I have light friendships with exes, and that's how I like it! No contact or very casual contact is what works for me.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?

N/A, in a monogamous life partnership with my husbutch

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?

I take both very seriously. If I have an issue with a friend, I bring it up. Get ready to process.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.

I let a friend move in with me when she was going through a nervous breakdown. I've given money I don't have. I'd do anything for my real friends.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.

He got me a job at his workplace when I was hating my job at the time.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?

I think its individual. Sometimes I'll deal with a lot of shit that someone puts out if there are some key aspects that I groove on. I'm not fond of liars. And I expect you to have my back.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?

Narcissism.

Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? Not at all.

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? Not at all.

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? Not at all.

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? Not at all.

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? Not at all.

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? Not at all.

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? N/A

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? N/A


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc. N/A

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors: VERY much! Love to go on walks.

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater: Love this too!

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else: Prefer board games.

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV: Ugh.

6) Participating in team sports Ugh

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.) If it's something cultural that I'm really into. I'm pretty picky.

8) Shopping Not my thing.

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants: Sometimes.

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals
Doesn't sound like my thing.


11) Other: I like to go to the park and sit on a blanket with a friend. Do art, play games, have a picnic.


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?

What quirks do I bring to a friendship?

I like to do things while I'm talking to you and it doesn't mean you're not interesting. I like to do crafts at all times, stuff I can do while still listening, bonding with you. I'm just weird like that. Don't take it personally.



BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

I don't think so.

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?
seldom

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
at least once a week

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend? nope

4) Are finances a consideration?
yep

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?
nope

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?
yep

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?
once in a while i do last minute planning.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
it's kewl

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?
yes

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.
when they decided not to contact me anymore

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.
if someone finds it takes too much energy to be my friend, i don't want them in my life. i'm worth it~and i don't take up all that much energy.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?
not sure

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship? been there done that... they are grown ups and can take care of themselves. i'm not a counselor.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?
keep it to myself, it's no one's business. write about it in my journal or tell my therapist. keep it in a file somewhere. you can like anyone you want... just don't act on your feelings.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?
been there done that... now i keep my feelings to myself, or i share them with my journal or my therapist.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?
no, it's part of her, and i accept her for all she is.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.
we all evolve and change, and part of that change means that some friendships last a very long time, or a season.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?
i have known my oldest friend for over 30 years and we do not stay in touch anymore. we are emotionally and spiritually on the opposite sides of the planet.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?
nope. once things end, i put the nail in the coffin.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?
nope. i wind up getting hurt.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?
of course yes!

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? nope

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? nope

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? kinda

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? yes

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?

7) …your small or adult children like your friends?

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together?


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV

6) Participating in team sports

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)

8) Shopping

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals

11) Other


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?



BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

Scout, we eagerly await your answers ;)

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?
Frequently.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
Daily.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?
Yes; I have children.

4) Are finances a consideration?
Yes, aren't they always? But I can have fun with little money as easily as I can with a lot.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?
Not typically for me; I am flexible with regards to someone else.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?
Naturally.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?
Not usually, but I am ok with last minute plans.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
I value friendships in all forms. I love to have friends that I learn from so another point of view is always welcome.

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?
It would depend on the reasons. If they did not like "that friend" because that friend was secretly hitting on them, bashing me etc, I would end the friendship.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.
A friend once told me I was "getting a big head" and did not really speak to me much after that. It was actually ok with me, she did not really support my new ventures into the D/s lifestyle, although she was part of it.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.
I will cut people off if they start draining on me emotionally; I have a lot going on and have plenty of room for all friends, but not friends who always have drama etc.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?
I tend to not befriend people who heavily use drugs, it is too risky since I have children.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
I would be supportive but someone is not going to leave a bad situation until they are ready. If you push, you may lose them entirely.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?
Remind myself that we are friends and that my feelings are likely to be a crush based on some innocent behavior. It is never worth breaking apart a relationship-or losing one yourself.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?
See above; I am in a relationship and I truly love who I am with-no one else can compare.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?
Possibly but more than likely not.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.
I outgrew a lifelong friend from high school last year. She and I have different views and seeing who she has become saddens me.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?
All of my life-she is my sister.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?
Yes. They are mainly people I dated and we realized that we are friendship material not relationship material. I have one relationship ex that I am friends with but our participation in the D/s lifestyle causes us to be in the same space. Friendship with her and her girl is a lot better for everyone than hatred; especially when we have both moved on.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?
I think that they are fine-as long as each person is clear on what is expected of them and for them.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?
I expect my friends to accept me fully; I expect a romantic partner to be willing to compromise.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.


16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.
Some friends once drove an hour out of their way (two ways) to rescue me from being stranded on the side of the road; it meant a lot since they were on their way out to eat with family.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?
Lying; cruelty; being drama filled.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?
Most anything except those listed above.


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours?
Does not matter; some of my fave friends (and my relationship) are more than 10 years in age difference.

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours?
Does not matter; everyone can teach us something.

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours?
Does not matter as long as they realize I may have to bow out of things sometimes due to lack of funds.

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours?
Does not matter as long as they do not try to force their beliefs onto me.

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?
Does not matter.

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?
Does not matter as long as they accept my preferences.

7) …your small or adult children like your friends?
Does not matter, I do not always let my friends meet my kids,

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together?
See above.


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.
No appeal.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors
Sure

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater
Sure

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else
Sure

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV
Sure

6) Participating in team sports
I am not very athletic but I will go watch

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)
Love!

8) Shopping
Love!

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants
Love!

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals
Sure

11) Other
depends on what it is.


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?
I do not really see anything.



BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?
No, but by now, everyone should realize that I do not really judge people. It was a fun survey.



:sparklyheart:

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person? not very often.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend? same as above. FB is usually the form of communication with friends.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend? not anymore. my daughter is grown.

4) Are finances a consideration? could be.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration? perhaps if it is for them.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration? yup.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it? It happens planned or unplanned.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships? they can be a good thing.

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person? most likely not because there would more than likely be a reason why.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend. we didn't have the same views so I guess they felt we had nothing in common?

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend. I don't like lying and drama.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem? I would bring it up so we could talk about it.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship? Same as 5. I would tell them they deserve better, no one should be abused and I'm here if they need me. More than likely I would go off on the abuser. I don't like my loved ones being harmed.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do? There would have to be a conversation about this as to why there are feelings.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do? If I am single I would find out if they feel the same and perhaps take it to the next level if we felt the friendship wouldn't be broken. Ruined the friendship once and worked to our advantage another time. I think both people have to feel the same and not hold back.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her? probably.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable. I would say in high school and in my 20's and because I just didn't go out to clubs/bars as much as them anymore.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time? 20+ years. . and continued talking and staying in touch over the years.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that? I do. I think space is needed for healing and forgiving before you can approach a friendship again.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”? I've been there, done that. In my case It turned into more. I guess it can work depending on what each wants and expects.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner? I have higher expectations when I'm in a relationship.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend. I was their soft place to land when they needed an escape.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you. Kept me sane and offered support and assistance.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone? lies, put my life or one of my loved one's in danger, excessive drug/alcohol abuse, drama llama, it has stopped being a give and take relationship, find out they are talking shit.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend? quirks, bad habits.. we all have them!


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? not very important

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? not important

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? not important

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? not very important

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? not important

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? not important

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? somewhat important

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? sometimes important


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you? Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater, Attending sports events or watching sports on TV , Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.), Shopping, Cooking, or eating in restaurants, Going to places with the kids, Swimming, Going to the beach, Sometimes clubbing, going to a lounge/bar to play pool.

Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?


BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way? Nope.

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?

It depends. I have several local friends that I see about once a month but I am also good friends with several people I work with who I see every day. Most of my dearest friends live in other states so I see them once or twice a year.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?

Every day. I often wake up to at least 1 or 2 Facebook messages or emails and talk on the phone with 3 of my really good friends almost daily. Sometimes we'll go for a week or even two without talking on the phone but it often depends on the ebb and flow of life. I text a lot as well. I don't make it a point to talk to people every day but it often happens organically.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?

Not for me since I don't have any kids but it could be if I thought the friend who did have kids wanted to bring her kids to our "girls day out" due to lack of childcare. I might offer to pay for childcare in that instance.


4) Are finances a consideration?

Yes, but we don't start the conversation with "how much dough do you have". I am very frank with my friends about money as they are with me so we sometimes do things that don't cost anything if we're both broke and we sometimes will go all out on something extravagant. I always try to be conscious of knowing the situations of my friends finances so that I dont suggest that we go to Las Vegas if I know they're struggling.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?

In the background it is. Like, I am not going to ask a friend who I know has trouble walking long distances to go hiking or something. Even for me, I am not going to be going somewhere that requires me to climb 40 flights of stairs in order to do the activity. (At least not without great pain)

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?

Yes. My work schedule is CRAZY. Like, I worked 13 hours today and that can happen almost any time and I often end up working on the weekends. My local friends know that I generally do not plan to do things on Mondays, Tuesdays, or Wednesdays because my schedule is stupid those days. I also generally do not go out on week nights unless it is a quick dinner in town.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?

It does in the way that I have a hard boundary around last minute-type stuff being thrown in my lap unless it's completely unavoidable. Don't get me wrong, the occasional "Hey, when you get off at 5:00pm do you want to go for drinks?" is cool as shit but calling me at 9 o'clock on a Friday night and telling me that you need me to drive you to the airport at 5am because you just "assume" I have nothing to do or didn't plan your shit out will make me growl.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?

The vast majority of my very close friendships are with Butches and Femmes and Transpeople. I do believe as well that we are all capable of having friends of varying gender presentations!

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?

I am currently friends with a couple of people that my partner doesn't care for. We don't require of one another that we agree on the autonomous friendships of one another and I like it that way. The only thing that would change that is if the friend in question is disrespectful of my partner or relationship. At that point, they'd have to go.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.

I had someone stop speaking to me over a perceived slight, something that they perceived me as having intentionally done to them to hurt their feelings. They were going through a hard time in their life and were kinda lashing out at me in a really unfair way over something ridiculous that I really had nothing to do with. I knew in the big picture that was much more about them than it was about me but it hurt. It was really frustrating because they were super unreasonable and childish during that scenario and seemed to completely disregard that I had never once been disloyal to them, had anything but the best intentions for them, or loved them deeply. It hurt like hell.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.

I had to let someone go for violating my personal boundaries and placing unreal expectations on me. I have the general expectation that my friends are going to manage their own lives and take personal responsibility for themselves and I had to cut a person off who expected me to be a surrogate wife and mother to them. They often placed crazy expectations on me about what I was "supposed" to be doing and then would shame me for daring to live a life that was not centered around their needs. I loved that person for a long time but had to let go with love and be thankful for the good parts and let the rest go.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?

If it were someone like June and I thought she was on Heroin, I would fly up to Oregon and drive her ass to rehab myself and then I would kick Kat's ass for letting it go on.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?

I would listen and make suggestions and try to encourage them to make healthy choices. And I would tell them my door was open when they were ready to leave. I've been there. That decision has to happen in the heart.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?

I am so madly in love with my partner it would never happen but in a dreamland, I would want to tell Jackhammer and we would talk about it between us so that we could address the relationship issue that was causing it instead of addressing the residual attraction. And then I would take some space from the partnered friend.

Years ago, that was Jackhammer and I. We were both living with other people in dead relationships and loved each other in a mutually-silenced way that we never spoke of for 6 years. Eventually, we had to have that discussion and the rest is history.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?

Wouldn't happen at this juncture.


9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?

Heck no, we've all got our stuff. Now, don't get me wrong, if she liked to eat boogers I would definitely tell her about herself.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.

I had a friend who was kinda stuck in a really self-loathing, stunted place. I was doing a lot of work on myself and growing by leaps and bounds and that was a journey she could not take with me.


11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?

My oldest friend is someone I have known since Junior High (25 years).
We email weekly, talk on the phone, and see each other about once a year (she's about 3 hours from here)

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?

Nope. My exes tend to do really hateful shit during the breakups so I gotta keep my distance.


13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?

Consenting adults should be able to do what they want.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?

I don't expect my friends to fuck me. :)


15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.

I had a friend who was in a personal crisis for almost a year and was on the phone with her every single night for like 2 hours trying to help her get through her shit. I bent over backwards to make her feel included in my friendship circles and gave her TONS of my personal time and basically made her part of the family.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.

I asked some key people to help me make this website happen and they showed up for the job and are still here.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?

Someone with shitty boundaries and no personal responsibility. Liars, theives, and con artists also have to fucking go. Messy behavior in people with shitty black hearts who are mean as hell and who want to remain exactly where they are in their life (don't want to do better)


18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?

Bossyness. Brattyness. Messy behavior in people with good hearts who want to grow.


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? NOT

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? NOT

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? NOT

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? NOT

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? NOT

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? NOT

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? Dont have any

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? I don't have any.


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.: I'm not single.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors: I love any of this shit!

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater: YES!

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else: I like games!

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV: I don't like to watch sports but will attend them

6) Participating in team sports : Volleyball or baseball please!

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.): I'm all over that shit.

8) Shopping: YES

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants: Love it.

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals: All of it!

11) Other


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?

It's pretty comprehensive!


BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

Nope!

OMG I completely forgot ME!! LOL

I'll get right on it!

:)

Medusa's friendship survey
 

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?

I don't expect my friends to fuck me.



Ha, Medusa I loved your brevity and honesty and this one made me laugh out loud at work! :)

I also "heard" you about outgrowing a friend who was in a "self-loathing" place. I can be really, really hard on myself and I don't need to be around people who are even worse (at least I try to get out of it).

Scout

I knew I missed one; I accidentally answered #16 in the place for #15 and forgot to come back to answer after I made the correction...


15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.
I think it is hard to say when I came through for someone, they would be better equipped to answer that. What I see as day to day friendship, someone else may see as "coming through."



:sparklyheart:

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration? perhaps if it is for them.



Hi, Ruffrider. That's really a thoughtful response. I liked your survey's no-nonsense honesty. :) Scout

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
I would be supportive but someone is not going to leave a bad situation until they are ready. If you push, you may lose them entirely.


LaneyDoll, I know exactly what you mean because that happened to me. I had a friend who was in a bad marriage, and when he choked her during a fight, I came down hard on her, insisting that she leave, and she cut me off. About six months later, I reached out to her, and we started tentatively seeing each other again, but it isn't the same.

Scout

Oh my goodness, I forgot. I did cut off a friend after she started showing up coked out at 6am wanting to borrow my dog...but hope that someday we can hang out again sans massive cocaine and alcohol.

NYCFemBBW's friendship survey
 

[QUOTE=nycfembbw;598740]Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability


2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?

Never Skype, sometimes email, love to talk on the phone if it's someone who can get off when one of us wants without any awkwardness, like the way I talk to my mom (several times a day but often about nothing and sometimes for hours and sometimes just a few minutes).

I had no idea you talk to your mom so much!



1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?

I have both, and let's not forget the FTMs :)

Right!


3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.

She got romantically involved with someone more conservative/mainstream and not BF identified and became pregnant, and we just veered in different directions. I think I subconsciously "tested" her by becoming particularly difficult. Subconsciously I think I wanted her to say, "I love you unconditionally. We'll get through this." I also wonder if I was being difficult because subconsciously I wanted to push her to end our friendship. In any case, when she did end it, I went into a grieving like the end of any longtime love, platonic or otherwise. My heart still has pangs.

This was painful to read. She's nuts!


6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?

This is always difficult for me. How much to say, how much to keep quiet. It's so hard. I have a few close friends in abusive relationships, and I guess I just play it by ear.


My experience is that you are there for the friend, and speak your mind, but don't judge if the friend doesn't take your advice.


7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?

Since I'm partnered, clearly the answer would be a foursome. Just kidding, but my mind always leans towards the perverse.

Ha Ha Ha you little pervie kitten!


8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?

My friendships are deep, and I often have romantic thoughts about friends. I am also a flirt but in a monogamous relationship, so that is as far as it goes.

I didn't realize you're a flirt! I'd like to see that in action.


10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.

I had a gay male friend who was off his rocker, tremendously difficult to deal with, but had a lot of strong points (Don't all gay men!). Finally, I just couldn't take the roller coaster and got off. Sometimes I regret it but mostly I'm relieved.

yeah, it's never black and white, all or nothing; it's always mixed and you have to go by the proportional relationship.


11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?

I have a friend, Lisa, who I used to walk to kindergarten with. She'd stay home if I was not going. Even though she ended up staying in small town Ohio, marrying a man, and having kids, and generally leading a much more conservative lifestyle than me, we somehow continue to share memories, humor, and love. Our friendship held. She has breast cancer, and I will fall to pieces if I lose her. She and her kids might visit this summer, and I visit them when I go to Ohio. There is nothing like an old friend.

I hope she will be okay.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?


14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?

I take both very seriously. If I have an issue with a friend, I bring it up. Get ready to process.

HahAHa bring it on!


18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?

Narcissism.


Phew!



What quirks do I bring to a friendship?

I like to do things while I'm talking to you and it doesn't mean you're not interesting. I like to do crafts at all times, stuff I can do while still listening, bonding with you. I'm just weird like that. Don't take it personally.


I totally get that.

Tazz's friendship survey
 

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?
keep it to myself, it's no one's business. write about it in my journal or tell my therapist. keep it in a file somewhere. you can like anyone you want... just don't act on your feelings.



Tazz, I am thinking about this one. I so agree that we have feelings that flare up and it's not good to act on them—they sometimes go away, on their own, so why mess up a few people's lives because of them? I think that's wise.

I think if I were in a relationship and I really fell hard for someone, I would tell my partner, because it would be a wake-up call as to how much trouble our relationship was in.

But still thinking about what you wrote...

Scout

That's so true. Little things are ways of coming through that mean just as much, over time, as big things. And sometimes it's a "little" thing that can make the whole day seem better, or give you the boost you need to get through your day.

Scout's Friendship Survey
 

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?

I try to go out with a friend or acquaintance at least once a week, usually on a weeknight. I work in NYC and live further out, and it’s easier for me to go out while I’m already in town. My whole social life is in the City. All the restaurants I like, all the readings are there.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?

The phone—only if I have a pressing thing to talk about. Email—same. Skype—never tried it and doesn’t seem worth the trouble.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?

No.

4) Are finances a consideration?

My main friends have about the same resources as I do. For a couple years I was friends with an older unemployed person and I treated him a lot. Likewise I’m comfortable dialing it back down if someone wants to go to a really expensive restaurant and I’m feeling more thrifty.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?

Not for me, but for some friends, I don’t want to go somewhere really loud because we will have a hard time hearing each other.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?

I get off work right at 5. That makes me want to meet earlier, rather than later, but people are usually okay with that.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?

I’m fine with it, when it comes up.

Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?

I would have no problems being friends with a butch. I think it’s crazy to segregate butches and femmes, like some kind of fifties social model. I also get annoyed when all the butches are in one room and all the femmes in another. It’s okay once in a while, but sheesh, let’s treat each other like peers.

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?

Absolutely. And have. Nobody tells me who I can be friend with.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.

I had a very good friend of about eight or nine years, who was in a very depressing marriage. For example once her husband demanded she go to a sex club with him for his birthday, and she was so beaten down, she agreed to go, though she didn’t want to.

Then one time, he choked her during an argument, and when I heard that, I insisted she leave him. I really got in her face and challenged all her reasons for not leaving, and upset her so much she cried, she told me, on the train home.

Then I got an email from her, saying she could no long be my friend, that I “didn’t know how to be a friend.” And when I saw her at an event a few months later and said, Hi, she looked right through me like I wasn’t there.

Eventually, I reached out to her and we see each other once in a while, but we avoid any “trigger” topics, so the intimacy, the confiding in each other, really isn’t there. I’ve been through a lot in the last year and especially in the last couple months, that she has no clue about, though we’ve been to dinner several times during that period.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.

I didn’t cut her off, but I had to take a break from a friend who sent a group email with two jokes, one about how dumb blonds are (I’m blond), and how dumb Texans are (my parents grew up in the Dallas area).

I wrote her and told her I was hurt, and that I would never send a group email disparaging her ethnicity, and her response was very superficial, kind of a generic “I meant no offense.” We’re back in touch now, acting like nothing happened.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?

This happened and my friend’s ex and I found a rehab place that would take her insurance, and made sure (since the ex happened to be her boss), that she would get paid leave.

We then followed instructions from the counselor at the rehab place who told us to call her, one after the other, and say we’d cut off our friendship with her, if she didn’t go. Then we drove her there. She checked herself out early, and I don’t know how she’s doing now.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?

I’d open the door for talking about it, and try to have some resources to point her toward. I learned my lesson with the friend who cut me off for insisting she leave her abusive husband, and I wouldn’t come on really strong about it.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?

Keep it to myself, and maybe curtail the contact if it’s too frustrating.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?

If I were single, too, I would just keep developing the friendship, and let the affection build until we couldn’t resist each other.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?

No. People blow that shit all out of proportion.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.

I was friends with the brother of a dear friend who died, but then I realized the brother was a racist, and it stunned me, and I couldn’t be friends with him.

Oh yeah, and he has a bunch of my furniture and other things in storage (bentwood rocker, hand-woven rugs, etc.), and for years wouldn’t return my calls to get them back. I let it go, but I’m mentioning it here because it’s more evidence that I outgrew him—he’s a worse person than I thought, and just because he looks, sounds and walks like his brother, the friend I lost, he’s not him.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?

I’ve been friend with Alex for almost 25 years. She lives in L.A. and I saw her every year or so when my sister lived in San Diego, but that’s slowed down since my sister moved. We talk on the phone, to catch up.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?

My philosophy:

If you had a friendship while you were dating, but just couldn’t pull off the romantic thing (and it doesn’t exacerbate the healing of broken hearts), then why not be friends after breaking up?

But if you broke up because the interaction was toxic, it will continue being toxic in your friendship.

I have a friend in Provincetown who is an ex, but we hardly ever see each other. My main ex (10-year relationship), wouldn’t be friends with me because (I’m convinced of this, but could be wrong), her new partner was jealous of me. Another ex wanted to be friends with me, but wanted to hide it from her new gf—no thanks. My ex from college is a very dear, old friend. We don’t see each other much, but nothing big happens in our lives—a move, a death, a birth, a big work success—that we don’t let the other know about.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?

I need romantic love, to enjoy sex. But I don’t think there’s a thing in the world wrong with friends with benefits, for others. In fact I think it’s a great solution for people who don’t have the time or energy to invest in a relationship but who don’t want to live without sexual experiences.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?

I put up with a lot more shit from a partner than I would from a friend. And I’m just realizing that, as I type it.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.

I’m connecting a friend now with people who can help her find a job, and when another friend needed to get away from her family, I let her stay with me for several weekends. I’ve given and lent money, and been a good listener.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.

An old, long-ago friend, a gay man, went away for a summer, and asked one of his friends, another nice gay man, and an acquaintance of mine, to call me and hang out with me once a week, and he did. I was going through a really lonely time, and he didn't want me to be alone. You never forget that kind of kindess.

Much more recently, a new friend who talked me through a particularly low point in my life is deep in my heart now.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?

Religious orthodoxy or proselytizing, eats live octopus, has no indoor voice, just to name a few.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?

Insecure about their work (I’m talking about creative work), always late, is terribly vain, that kind of thing. In fact these things are endearing, sometimes.

Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours?

Another further than 20 or so years in either direction and I might start to feel a generational disconnect.

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours?

Intelligence matters more to me than degrees.

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours?

As long as we can find a middle-ground in the way of restaurants we are both comfortable with, I’m fine with that difference.

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours?

I don’t have religious beliefs, and a person who bases a lot of major decisions on religious compliance—whether it makes sense to them or not—would probably not be compatible with me.

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?

In graduate school, my lover was from an old-money WASP family in which the brother denigrated my educational background and another family member said I had no “recreational skills.” I never got their references, when they were name-dropping about schools, resort towns, camps and brands, and when I earned numerous merit fellowships that my partner didn’t get, well, that didn’t go over too well, with either her, or them. So I recognize class can estrange people.

Now, though, I’m older and have been involved with so many types of people, nothing fazes me. I can gracefully turn the tables on life’s various meanies, and from years of working in literacy in NYC, I’m sensitive to people who haven’t had my level of privilege, as well.

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?

I like talking about that kind of difference, it fascinates me. So that would be plus, if we were different in that way.

Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.

When I’m single, I think this is really fun. There’s nothing like comparing notes on the butches in the room, daring each other to say Hi to someone, etc.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors

Biking, hiking, walking.

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater

Movie theaters are fun.

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else

I get sleepy just thinking about it.

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV

Maybe a Liberty game, but that’s about it.

6) Participating in team sports

You’re joking, right?

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)

Yes, yes, yes.

8) Shopping

Really fun with a friend, especially if you have lunch before or dinner after. This is one of those things that is much more fun with a friend, than a lover.

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants

Restaurants, by all means.

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals

Love all this stuff.


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?

It’s not what’s been left out, it’s what’s been put in. For fuck’s sake, this is a long survey. Whover made this up, Get a life!!

BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

The emoticons are kind of a give-away. But I could be wrong.

June's Friendship Survey
 

June wrote:

I like to be comfortable. I loathe events where there are a lot of people and porta potties.

I don't want anyone up my ass all the time, or vice-versa. My close friends know this about me and anyone coming into the circle gets advised that I am not an "everydaykeepintouchperson". But I'm there if needed.

I expect my partner to keep the recycling moving out of the house!

**********

June, You are cracking me up! And making a lot of sense. Fun to read, thanks! Scout

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?

Some of them I see daily, some weekly, one in particular whenever he is in the state.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?

Most of them daily.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?

No

4) Are finances a consideration?

No

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?

Not for me but if it is for them I go to them.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?

Oh hell yes. I work insane hours. Sometimes friends hear from sitting in the airport awaiting boarding to go wherever the hell the boss send me. I am "usually" supposed to be free on Sunday.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?

Ah not so much. I cannot usually accommodate that kind of spontaneity.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?

They are wonderful. Most of my friends are butch or FtM or butch gay men.

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?

Single now, but I'd be saying, um why do they need to meet your approval?
If there were inappropriate issues ensuing and I was partnered I'd be the first to drop the friend and not wait for a partner to feel uncomfortable.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.

I was expected to take sides after a break up. I was expected to believe as gospel what one friend said about her ex who was my friend as well. When I did not she blew her stack, told lies about me and her ex and others listened and took her words as gospel. It was sad and painful but I had to let her go. I had overlooked this behavior of hers in the past and lied to myself about her never doing this to me, to us as friends. Reality became clear.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.

I was young, 23, in a physically and mentally abusive relationship. I did not know how to leave. I did not know how to take care of myself emotionally and stayed way too long. He told me he was walking away until I found my way out but he'd be there afterward. He said he could not watch me go through it anymore. I'm glad he was there 2 years later.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?

talk to them about it and realize I could not control it. I would tell them I am here when and if you decide you want help.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?

I'd give them the local shelter numbers, addresses, a list of things to do to leave safely and keep the light on for them at home.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?

Walk away.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?

Walk away.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?

Nah.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.

N/A

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?

23 years. We talk about everything. People say we sound like an old married couple and at time we do. He is my best friend.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?

No ex's as friends. The endings were horribly dysfunctional. My present ex and I co-parent so it will need negotiating.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?

I don't have any.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?

They are one in the same with the exception of sex.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.

I took her 12 year old wild child off the street after she ran away and she lived the summer with us until she and her mom could get things worked out.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.

He told me get out of the abuse. He walked away but was there after I left the abuse. I moved in for 5 months and recuperated.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?

Drug dealing, killer for hire, pedophile, anger monster, physically or mentally abusive to me and others, stealing from my home or kids, negativity addict,
hacking my computer (in the bad sense), harming one of my kids or grand kids in any way shape or form, racism, bigotry and hate.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?

White lies, being in the sex trades, messy (cluttered not dirty) home, handicap, no money not much money,

Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? Not at all.

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? Not at all

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? Not at all.

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? Not at all.

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? Not at all.

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? Not at all.

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? Not at all without good reason.

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? It's according to the situation.


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.

Yeah, sounds like fun.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors
getting there.

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater

Yes.

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else

Nah.

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV

Nah.

6) Participating in team sports

Nah.

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)

Yes.

8) Shopping

Yes

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants

Yes

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals

Sure

11) Other


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?



BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

No.

Friends :)
 

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?
Depends on the friends and where they live. My local friends and I get together every weekend when possible. My friends slightly out of town I see about once a month. Friends WAY out of town I see about once a year.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
Texting is my preferred method of communication and my local friends and I text often. Less frequently for those farther away from me.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?
Always and of course….or they are invited along when the plans are not considered “adult” only plans.

4) Are finances a consideration?
Always and of course…I have no problem go to folks who can’t come to me because of this issue.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?
Always and of course…it’s always discussed to accommodate.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?
All my friends, as well as myself, have a career or school going on so sometimes planning gets a little more complicated.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?
Yes and both


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
I think people make WAY too much of these friendships and ALWAYS…let me repeat that ALWAYS assume that there MUST be something more involved when actually there isn’t. It really bothers me that folks do that. I am butch and have a lot of femme friends…friendship being the ONLY motivating factor in our time spent together.

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?
Of course…this is my choice to make not theirs. And this road goes both ways. I won’t always like my partner’s friends and I don’t have to. The adult thing to do is just get along with each other and be nice.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.
Dishonesty and gossip can facilitate the killing friendships…I’ll leave it at that.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.
See above answer.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?
If it’s affecting someone I love or me then I won’t keep quiet. Speaking up may not change things but it would be a complete disservice to me and those I love to not say anything. I took off the Superman cape years ago. The only person I can save/change is me.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
See above answer.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?
Leave it alone. We are human and things like this happen. We are not required to act on EVERYTHING we feel….just sayin. My actions define me and home wrecker is not an acceptable action in my world nor an acceptable definition of me.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?
I always like to test the waters first to see if it’s mutual. If it’s not then I am more than ok with continuing to foster a really great friendship.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?
Depends...somethings are just not that important when it comes right down to it.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.
Many of the folks I used to hang out with when I lived in the Midwest have gone their own ways and we have lost touch.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?
My oldest friend is a guy I grew up with and went to high school with. We don’t talk often anymore but manage a nice drive by “hi” occassionaly…22 years of friendship.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?
I do and it all depends on why it ended, how it ended and the strength and maturity of the people involved.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?
Not my gig but have nothing against those that like those kind of friendships.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?
The only difference is the deeper sense of commitment formed with a romantic partner.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.
Being there for someone who voluntarily entered a Psych hospital. Spent a lot of days there and saw a completely different person walk out. I love it when good things like that happen.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.
My friend Tim (no longer walking in this world) who supported me when I was at a low point financially in my life.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?
Dishonesty and distrust…in any form.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?
We are perfectly imperfect…let’s pick our battles eh?


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? Not

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? Not

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? Not

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? Zealots need not apply

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? Not

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? Not

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? Don’t have any can’t answer that

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? See above answer


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.
Fun :)

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors
Fun :)

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater
Fun :)

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else
Fun :)

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV
Fun :)

6) Participating in team sports
Fun :)

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)
Fun :)

8) Shopping
Eh…not so much

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants
Fun :) Although I tend to be the designated taster/dishwaser

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals
Fun :)

11) Other – Whatever else we have in common… Fun :)


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?



BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way? Completely had no idea so I guess not :)

Breezy's Friendship survey
 

Breezy wrote:

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.

I took her 12 year old wild child off the street after she ran away and she lived the summer with us until she and her mom could get things worked out.

********

12-year-old wild child? Yeah, that is a REAL friend. She (the kid) was lucky to have you there—and not fall in with someold harmful.

:)

Scout

Scuba's Friendship Survey
 

Scuba wrote:

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
I think people make WAY too much of these friendships and ALWAYS…let me repeat that ALWAYS assume that there MUST be something more involved when actually there isn’t. It really bothers me that folks do that. I am butch and have a lot of femme friends…friendship being the ONLY motivating factor in our time spent together.

**************

I'm SO glad you wrote that. I agree, and we have a stronger community when we can friend whomever we feel an affinity with, regardless of class, race, age, etc. AND butch-femme status!!!!

:)

Scout

I need to do this a bit at a time
 

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?
depends on the friend. Some, once a month. Some every couple months. None weekly or daily.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
Over the past couple years I have developed an anxiety about talking on the phone. I wont answer the phone and I sure wont call to chit chat. Sometimes, if someone is in trouble or a death has happened, or something of that catastrophic nature, I will call someone and talk to them on the phone. thank god for texting. All my local plans are made via texts. I have to talk on the phone for the store and it damn near kills me. I cant wait to earn enough to hire someone to take calls.

I love emails. I can say so much and it lets people read, and ponder.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?
sometimes I babysit my nephews and nieces. So yes, its a consideration if I have them. Most of my same age peers think I am crazy babysitting. Sometimes I do too. But mostly its a nice way to have kids in my life and I get to send them home when my energy wears out.

4) Are finances a consideration?
sadly yes. Sometimes I dont have money to even go to the dollar movies. But friends who are friends will come here to sit in my gorgeous back yard and chat. Or we will hang out at the free museums. Or they pay my way in. And when I can, I pay their way in. Or I do something nice for them.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?
we have gone to little shops and they have things upstairs or in the basement and I cant go. I also tire out very easily. I have had to go in wheelchairs a couple time, with people pushing me.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?
it hasnt been but it is now. I am opening a store and my time is taken up with getting it opened, or de-stressing my body when I have worked it too hard. friends wanted me to go horseback riding the other day and I couldnt. And you know how I love horses!

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?
Last minute get togethers are my favorites!


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
I relate differently to butches than I do femmes. I can have friendships with butches but it is a friendship that acknowledges who we are. My friendships with butches are very different than my friendships with straight men. I will not flirt with straight men who are friends. I will with butches who are friends. I will flirt with FtMs who are friends. I never flirt with anyone attached, no matter what. Flirting can be part of friendship, if its acknowledged as a safe and comfortable thing to do. I flirt with some straight girls who are my friends, locally. However, I think they of all the groups, would be the one to push the playing into the range of possibility....

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person? I think this is a question that has to be answered based on the persons and the situation. I was in a relationship where I loathed someone they were friends with. Best friends! I was forced to interact and deal with this person on a daily basis. She played us and drove a wedge between us. Everyone else could see it but my partner could not. It was never going to be a good situation so I left. I left someone I truly loved. But love and respect are two different things. And I couldnt give that to him because of how I was treated and I wasnt getting it from him either. So in this kind of situation, no. But, who I am with now, he has a best male friend that I see as a pervert. Nothing about him is likable regarding his morals and values. However, he treats me well, respects me and I do the same to him. We all go out together, he with his wife and me and chrissy. Would I ever be his friend if not for his tie to chrissy? Never! But he is a good person to chrissy and very nice to me so we all get along...

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend. when I ended an on line relationship, the person refuses to speak to me now. He believes I was interested in someone else and that is the reason I broke it off with him. Not true at all. But he just wont hear it. So I lost a very good friend in him. Above all else, we were wonderful friends. And this has pained me deeply.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend. She would not respect my boundaries about relationships. i didnt want one and she wanted one. I wanted a friendship. She wanted a romance. She would tell me she was ok with a friendship but made moves on me all the time. It got to the point where she was stalking me so i had to cut her out of my life. She wouldnt listen any other way. Again, a deep loss because I really liked her as a friend!

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem? I am a member of AA. I have offered to go to meetings with people but mostly I just shut my mouth and wait. People know I am in recovery and they come to me when they are tired of being sick and tired. They know I will be there for them. i dont need to push it on them

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
same as above. I use to direct domestic violence shelters so people know they can come to me if they need it. I see signs early on and sometimes I might say a thing or two but mostly, I just give time time. the exception to that is if the person is in danger. Then i speak up and hopefully,they will be ready to take action

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do? this has actually happened to me. I said nothing. I gave no hint. I do not destroy relationships. I hae cheaters and I will not be a cheater.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do? I am assertive.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her? god yes

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable. some people might say they never outgrow anyone. I guess thats the PC thing to say. But I know I have. People find a niche and thats where they like to stay, where their happiness and comfort is. I find I am always a seeker. I find things that make me happy, like forms of art, new types of gardening, new ways to express myself spiritually. I gather it, gain from it, then move onto other new things. I love to broaden my horizons. Not everyone does. Sometimes that is frightening/unnerving to people. Those are the people I outgrow. People who applaud my journey, stay with me, and I honor where they like to be as well. But those who deny me the right to move on, well, I have to let go.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?I have been best friends with my Yaya since the first day of first grade. Its been 49 years so far...

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that? I am friends with several of my exes. And I dont speak with a few, simply because they just arent in reach. And a couple, I would rather never see again this life

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”? never did this. Didnt want to back in the day. Might consider it now if I ever needed to

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner? Oh, I dont know. Simple answer is they are they same but the partner is just a deeper committment

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend. a friend's barn caught on fire. 29 of her horses perished. Many of them were pregnant. It was devastating. I was there with her, picked hooves and flesh from burnt ashes. I saw trauma in the remaining horse's eyes. I saw my friend's eyes...and hope I never peer into eyes like that again. I pulled together a donation list, where people could send in money and horse items. I helped her emotionally thru the worst first six months.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you. that same friend allowed me to come sit under her apple tree in her orchard when my butch husband left me for another woman. I knew i was going to lose my farm, all my horses, etc. I couldnt keep the lights on if the water was on. My daughter's college fund was ever stolen.I had just had a major farm accident and wa experiencing a county wide hate crime against me as a lesbian. I wept under her apple tree for three days straight. She barely said a word. She just brought me ice tea and tissues...

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone? a cruel nature of anykind toward anyone or anything. I dropped a coworker friendship because she was horrible to the wait staff whenever we went out to eat together. I mean HORRIBLE.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend? too many to list. Just about anything as long as they are striving to be good people.


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? I have 20 year old friends. And 80 year old friends. I am 55

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? somewhat. Not that I am an egotist, but I have alot of education and alot of life experience. Someone who isnt evolved in some manner, is going to get lost with me.

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? N/A

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? I cannot tolerate the intolerants

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? N/A

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? you would be hard pressed to find someone I didnt get along with in these categories

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? my daughter, who is 28, has hated some of my friends and partners. It was a mess. She is a mess at the moment. She is not well, mentally and spiritually. I know she has affected me. and that affects my ability to relate to the world.

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together?
when she was younger, that was a plus. But I am not into playdates anymore. I dont do things with people with kids. I am old and cranky and more of a baba yaga than a fairy godmother....hahahah...not really. But, I really dont tolerate nasty kids.

Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc. not at all

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors what constitutes exercise? Riding a horse? Yes. Running on a treadmill, no. Swimming in a heated pool. Yes. gardening, yes.

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater yes

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else I play gnometown on FB. I cant believe I am even doing that. I hate electronic games. I do play Majjong. My electronic stuff is done in solitary fashion.

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV again, if it has to do with horses, yes. I have gone with my family to watch my nephews play tag football.

6) Participating in team sports I am so non competitive. In fact, that is one of the strongest characteristics of mine., I wont compete for anything, affection, attention nor medals.

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.) love doing this

8) Shopping I hate malls. I love flea markets, little privately owned stores (like mine!) garage saleing, etc

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants yes

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals yes yes yes yes, YES

11) Other


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out? rituals. Me and my best friend have a ritual we do to commemorate life events. I can count on her to do it for me when something important happens to me. She just did it recently when I was working in my store that is about to open. I do it for her, and did it last when she closed on her house she just bought.



BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way? you're a femme? I didnt notice who even posted this...I just like filling out surveys

Miss Tia wrote:

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend. a friend's barn caught on fire. 29 of her horses perished. Many of them were pregnant. It was devastating. I was there with her, picked hooves and flesh from burnt ashes. I saw trauma in the remaining horse's eyes. I saw my friend's eyes...and hope I never peer into eyes like that again. I pulled together a donation list, where people could send in money and horse items. I helped her emotionally thru the worst first six months.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you. that same friend allowed me to come sit under her apple tree in her orchard when my butch husband left me for another woman. I knew i was going to lose my farm, all my horses, etc. I couldnt keep the lights on if the water was on. My daughter's college fund was ever stolen.I had just had a major farm accident and wa experiencing a county wide hate crime against me as a lesbian. I wept under her apple tree for three days straight. She barely said a word. She just brought me ice tea and tissues...

**********************

Oh, Miss Tia. I was captivated by your answers to the survey, all around—but these two answers, wow. Such a vivid experience, such a heart-breaking experience, and as a writer I just have to say—WHAT a setting. I see it; the trees, the horses, the ashes. It's so cinematic. But of course, it's not a movie, it's real, it's your experience. A tragedy and another kind of recovery. I loved it. Beautiful.

Scout

my answers
 

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?
Pretty much, daily.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
Depends on my mood. I can talk on the phone for hours with a friend and I am rather long winded in my writing... lol

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?
No, but having that person open to having a tag'a'long or two, is a consideration.

4) Are finances a consideration?
Not really. If I'm low on cash and a friend wants to do lunch, I'll just offer to cook for us.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?
No.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?
It can be.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?
My entire family and circle of friends are "the last minute" types.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
I think it's not only possible, but healthy. I like to have a diversity in my circle of friends. It gives me a different viewpoint and that is always a good thing.

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?
I would have to look at why my partner didn't like that person. If it's jealousy, then my partner and I have a problem. If it's just that the two of them don't hit it off, that's a different matter. In either case, I think that ending any friendship (unless your partner see's that it is an abusive friendship) is one step closer to being controlled. That isn't healthy for any involved.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.
A friend took exception to my opinion on her parenting skills. Truthfully, I should have handled it differently, but also truthfully, I would never had done so, if I hadn't genuinely feared for the safety and well being of her children. The state eventually took all three children away, so I wasn't off base. Just wished I had handled it differently.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.
Does more than one count? In my early 20's I was an emotional and spiritual mess. Everytime I would try and modify my behavior, every time I'd find my way back to faith, I would always be drug down by my circle of closest friends. We drank, partied, were promiscuous and dabbled in illegal drugs (speed for me). So, one day I realized that if I remained within that circle of friends, I would only fall deeper into that lifestyle. So, I cut them all off, though not completely. I simply stopped partying with them and going to them for advice. Eventually, we all went our seperate ways.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?
I would strongly encourage them to not indulge. Preaching though, gets you and them no where. I would suggest clean and sober friendly activites instead of high risk ones. IE: I wouldn't suggest bar hopping to a friend who is an alcoholic.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
I think I would be more aggressive in this case, than in the one I just answered. I've not only seen the statistics, but I worked in an abuse shelter for women and their children. It takes, on average, at least 3 times of "leaving" the abuser, before the abused can stay away from them. Sadly, a lot are dead before they can leave that third time. I would offer support, a place to stay, even a place where she/he can come just to step away from it for a few hours every day.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?
Build up a huge brick wall between us that had a no trespassing sign on my side of it. I hated being cheated on and there's no way I would even allow myself to be tempted to cause that kind of pain for another person, especially a friend.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?
Try and gauge how they are feeling, or outright ask. Instead of distancing myself without explanaton, I would do my best to be honest with that person about what I was feeling. Then, we both, or I could decide if our friendship could withstand a relationship and/or a break up. I'm a firm believer, however, in a relationship starting with a very strong friendship foundation.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?
Eventually, yes. When I first became friends with my ex, I noticed that she would feed her dog off of her spoon or fork. It drove me crazy and I spoke up about it right away. lol.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.
I don't know if we can "outgrow" a friend. I do know that our paths can grow apart. My best friend from childhood was Twila. I met her in Nursery class sunday school. I was 3 and she was just turning 3. We were tied together from that day on. We were in the same grade at school, both attended the same Bible college, both went into the mission field. However, shortly after coming home, she became engaged and got married. I simply had nothing in common with her anymore. We still consider each other the best of friends, but we've both moved forward with our lives.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?
39 years. We remained friends by simply reaching out from time to time and touching base with each other. We were together every day at school, then again at church, in the girls club at church, the youth fellowship at church and then the same Bible college. You can't have someone be a part of your daily life for more than 20 years, without that person leaving a strong imprint on the surface of your heart.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?
Two of my ex's are friends now, although one, the most recent, is making friendship very difficult. My philosophy on this is that it IS possible to remain friends with an ex, it just takes time and committment and a mutual desire to remain friends.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?
For me, sex is an expression of love. I could/would never indulge in sex, just for the sake of having sex.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?
My partner will be my best friend, so I don't know that they differ entirely, but most definitely differ in intensity. Honesty is a prerequisite for both, an open mind and heart. I would expect my partner to be romantic with only me, but would not expect my friend to be friends with only me.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.
Two occassions, one funny, one serious. Funny one first. A young lady that I attended bible college with was very shy, meek and timid. Lunch there was a "family" affair. The student body ate all meals together as a whole and this day was no exception. A young man who had a crush on said young lady, began teasing her about taking her piece of pie. She blushed and laughed and bent over it a bit. He pushed her face into it. Suddenly, it wasn't so funny for her, in fact it was embarassing and I saw her eyes filling with tears. That day, we just so happened to have been served spinach in a butter and vinegar sauce. I stood up, grabbed a handful of spinach and slapped it in the young man's face. lol. The faculty also ate with us and I was worried about a reprimand, but no matter what, I would do it again. My next class followed lunch immeidately, and this young man was also in that class. The assistant dean of students was the professor of that class, so I entered the classroom rather timidly. While the young man and I both, cleaned up the mess in the cafeteria, the young man had not had time to change his clothes. Anyway, when the young man walked into the classroom a few minutes late, the professor stopped speaking and sniffed the air and grinned and said "wasn't expecting retaliation, were you?" and laughed. No one ever said anything to me about it, but the young lady later came to me and thanked me. Said she had never been able to stand up for herself and was thankful that I had done so in her stead.

Serious. One of my childhood friends, moved in and out of our area frequently. When she was 17, she had been living in a town about 30 miles from where I lived. I hadn't seen her for nearly 3 years. On the day after thanksgiving, my friends mother was driving her to work and hit a patch of black ice and swerved into the path of a semi. Her mother was killed instantly.
I was babysitting at the time, and Mother came and got me, told me "Christols Mom was killed this morning, she's at her grandmothers and wants you to come in." As soon as I was able, I went. I was afraid. I was shy and was in that awful awkward stage of, "what do I say?" When I walked in and saw Christol, and she saw me, she through herself into my arms and just sobbed. She hadn't recalled the accident, but did recall finding her mothers body on the road and laying on it to keep her warm. It took 4 men to pull her off. She wouldn't stop crying and her brother and sisters were all crying, as was her grandmother. Finally, in a small tear shakey voice, Christol asked me to pray for her. So I did. I don't remember what I said, but when I was done, they soon stopped crying and began talking about good memories. Christol later told me that when I prayed for them, she heard her mother say, "I'm ok baby, I'm with Jesus." It doesn't take a lot to mean a lot to someone else. Just be there.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.
When Mother died the loss was sudden and dramatic. The days folloowing her death are sketchy for me, at best. At her funeral, a friend who had been friends with me our whole lives, but hadn't really stayed in touch, was there. I don't recall a word she said or didn't say. All I remember was her taking my hand and leading me into the sanctuary for the service, after we said our last goodbyes to Mother. She sat beside me, my hand still in hers. When the service was over and we moved to the graveside, she stood behind me, still holding my hand. When the services were over, she hugged me tight, told me she loved me, she would miss "Aunt Sue" (Mother) and to call her if I needed anything. Then she left. I've never before nor since, ever felt that kind of agape love from anyone. I strive to be the kind of friend she was to me that day.


17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?
Illegal activites, dishonesty and "two-faced" behaviors and a desire to "control" me or our friendship.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?
LOL, anything that doesn't involve the afore mentioned things. lol


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours?
As much as I tease about this in chat, I am an equal oppurtunity friender!

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours?
Education doesn't always mean intelligence nor is it an indicator of intellect.

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours?
This is so not even an issue for me.

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours?
Diversity makes life interesting. As long as they don't try and "convert" me, we're good! I like learning about new things.

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?
Pffffft. There are NOT many lesbian farm girl Mennonites around. If this were an issue, I'd be friendless. lol

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?
Again, diversity makes everything more interesting.

7) …your small or adult children like your friends?
That doesn't factor into things with me. I spend time with my god children and family. I have no children of my own.

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together?
This is a big factor for me. While I am not always in the presence of my god children, my god son specifically, I woud be hugely put off if someone refused to spend time with me when TT was with me. That would be a huge red flag for me.

Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.
Perhaps.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors
Would love this!

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater
Again, would enjoy this.

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else
Not much into video games.

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV
Football! :cheer:

6) Participating in team sports
I'll watch! lol

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)
I would love this.

8) Shopping
Not a shopper.

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants
I enjoy both.

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals
Would be awesome, except no spiders.

11) Other


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?
The kitchen sink? lol



BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?
Not at all.

I am really enjoying reading these answers! :)

"I've got friends all over this country, I've got friends in other countries too. I'm got friends I haven't met yet, I've got friends I never knew." -ani

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?

It varies wildly, I see my two (local) best friends often. My best Femme once a week, sometimes more depending on what is going on; but my best Bear works 2nd shift and has a very active dating life so I see him once every two or three weeks. I see my sister (who is probably my closest friend) about once a month. But I have very close friends who live abroad or on the "other" coast - and I may only see them once every couple of years.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?

I text and/or email with my besties every day, my sister and I gmail chat and text and facetime chat daily, I text/email/facebook with close friends who live far away far less frequently - some weekly, some every month or two, some once or twice a year.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?

Yes. For me it is actually dog care, it can be challenging to go away for a weekend or for day trips that are more than 8hours. And my friends with children have to do a lot of juggling in terms of time and competing needs and priorities, and so that often plays a role in what/where/how/when we spend time together.

4) Are finances a consideration?

Yes. Money is always a consideration in *what* we do, none of us are independently wealthy nor do we "come from money"; but it is not a consideration in terms of doing something together - we will all quite happily watch a dvd or eat leftovers or chat over a cuppa tea together.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?

No.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?

Yeah, one of my besties works 2nd shift and I work pretty standard 9-5 hours so it makes it hard for us to see one another, except on the weekends and we both have so many other life obligations that 2-3-4 weekends can go by easily without seeing one another.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?

Yes, often out of necessity and sometimes because that is just how some of my friends are. Myself, I like a teensy bit more structure and planning, but I do my best to stay adaptable and responsive, because I love them (and spending time with them).


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?

Friendship is a human condition, any one can be friends with any one.

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?

Yes, with sensitivity and clear communication - but resoundingly yes.


3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.

When my former partner and I split after a long-time, it was a messy ending. There was a group of people that I considered close friends, they felt that they had to "choose sides" because they were originally friends with my partner, and so they chose her. It made a painful break up more horrible and I remember feeling so adrift without a group of close friends.

(very) many years later my former partner and I have managed to come back around to a place of friendship, and I'm grateful for that.


4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.

I sometimes drift away from friendships but I rarely cut them off I don't view most relationships in absolutes. I have placed distance in some of my friendships though. One recent example was a friendship that went from "close friend" to "social acquaintance" status because she behaved in ways that were cruel and caustic and unflinchingly unkind and she was not at all sorry about it. I don't dislike her but I would never trust her enough to be close again.


9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?

No. We all have annoying and harmless habits, I would try to find my way to loving that about her/him.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.

I had two friends in college, I call them my "naughty friends", we had a lot of fun and did lots of naughty things; I have some great stories from that time
but I've grown up and moved on and I don't really see a place for them in my life now, some of their core values do not match with mine (and never did).

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?

My sister is probably my oldest friend and closest friend, so 33 years. We've managed to stay friends and become closer with every year by being loving and supportive to one another, by talking honestly and being open to having the hard conversations, by listening well, by knowing when the best thing is not to talk but just to 'be' there for each other and by laughing together whenever we can.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?

Yes, I am friends with most of my former partners with varying degrees of closeness. My philosophy is that friendship should be the foundation upon which any romantic partnership is built, and if that was the case then there is often the potential to salvage and rebuild a friendship (down the line).

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?

I think it is possible for that to work but I found it to be tricky and temporal.


15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.
16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.

In my close circle of friends - this is what we do for one another, in little ways and big ways, all the time.


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:


1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours?
2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours?
3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours?
4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours?
5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?
6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?

None of these are important to me, my friends are an amazing spectrum of humanity and that is just the way I like it!

I think that it is more important that we similar in terms of our values.


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

I like to go to events (concerts or exhibitions or performances or films) or to cultural institutions; I like swimming and sunning and kayaking and dog-walking with my friends. I love making a meal, a cocktail and having a catch up on our lives. But what we do is far less important than intentionally making the time to be together.


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?

Just two random thoughts about friendships...

I often think about how long term friendships are a lot like the tides - I think we grow closer and further apart in turn over the course of our lives influenced by any number of internal and external factors. I think it is healthy to acknowledge that and to be kind to ourselves and with our friends during those further away times.

And another thing that I find fascinating and miraculous is that there are some friendships that have this magical intangible connection that is real and close and exists all on its own, no matter the distance nor amount of time between seeing each other.

BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

I don't think so. Do you?

Friendship Survey



Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?
As often as they want to see me.
2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
Just the phone and mostly to make plans. I do a lot of texting.
3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?
No, none of my friends have kids.
4) Are finances a consideration?
Nope. I'm happy just hanging.
5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?
No
6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?
Yes. With relationships too. I have every sixth weekend off.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?
I'm very laid back so I can go with whatever comes.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
I've never been able to be a friend with a Femme. Trust me I've tried but it doesn't work. Either their partner gets jealous or feelings pop up. Which makes for uncomfortable situations and I'm not a home wrecker. :)
2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?
Yes. It's my choice. Besides, my friends came first.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.
I've never had that happen. Usually it's me because of their issues.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend. My friend who dated my gf right after we broke up.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem? I would support them in any way.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
I would kick some ass!
7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?
I would walk away after being truthful about why I needed space.
8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?
I don't have any Femme friends so I don't worry about that.
9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?
I have no filter. I always speak the truth.
10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.
Never had that happen.
11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time? 10 years and we work together.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?
No, I have one that wants to but I don't want that. It would be hard and besides she's straight now.
13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?
Been there, done that
14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?
I expect my friend not to fall in love with me.
15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.
Made their car payment
16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.
Brought me to hospitable for surgery and made me meatloaf after.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?
Date my ex


18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?
I like people for themselves. Flaws and all.
Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours?
It's not
2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours?
not important
3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours?
not important
4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours?
not important
5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?
not important
6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?
I'd rather gay friends.
7) …your small or adult children like your friends?
I have no kids.
8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together?
N/A

Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.
I love doing this.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors.
Outside
3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater
both
4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else
both
5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV
Not interested
6) Participating in team sports
I can't. Bad knee
7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)
concerts
8) Shopping
I like shopping
9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants
I can't cook but love to eat.
10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals
All of the above.

11) Other


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?

Nothing that I can think of.

BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?
Nope. I love Femmes. :)