Were you adopted in a closed adoption?
 

I'm in therapy for a multitude of things, but the one thing that I have never thought about much in regard to my depression and trauma healing is my adoption.

I am reading and pondering and want to discuss closed adoptions from the point of view of the adoptee.

If you put a child up for closed adoption, or adopted someone that way, you may want to stay away from this thread. There will be things you don't want to hear. You are welcome, but know you have been warned. This thread is not here to make you feel better, but to work through some of the issues adoptees go through.

Now for a couple of questions to get us started:

Have you always known you were adopted?

Have you met your birth parents?

How did your adopted parents tell you you were adopted?

Thank you for your participation, I know this is a rough subject.

Jen

Great thread!!!!!


I knew I was adopted at an early age, I would have to ask my mom about the approximate age that I actually came out and said, I don't look like y'all or I don't belong to you (something along those lines)

I have never met my birth parents but have spoken to my real mother several times but can't trust her as far as I can throw her, so to speak.

My parents didn't have to tell me I kinda figured it out when I got older and asked them
if it was true.

Great thread, Jen....thank You for this!

I was adopted and taken from the hospital on the day I was born. They gave me a good life in comparison to what I would have had had I not been given up for adoption.

My biological mother had been abandoned by my birth father when he found out she was pregnant with me. So her sister (my 'aunt') convinced her that I should be given up. She already had another child by her first husband who had died. The sister is 12 years older than I.

I can't remember being told I was adopted; I've just always known. There were times that I felt being adopted was a curse. But now, having met my birth mother and half~sister, having been adopted was the best thing that could have happened.

My birth mother went on to divorce my father, and married 2 more times. I met her when I was 22. She was never forthcoming about my birth father and I guess I will always be a little bitter about that.

My 1/2 sister is unstable at best. She called me in May to tell me that our mother had died......in March of 2008. She said she had been "advised" not to tell me because I might come after the property. So I'm a little bitter with her too, as I would have wanted to go to her funeral. That's neither here nor there.

In the last few months, I have made contact with my 'niece' and will be visiting soon.

I love the story of my adoption... My adoptive Mom's name was Sybil. My birth mother's name was Sibyl. My name is Janey. My 1/2~sister's name is Janet.

Crazy, huh? :D

diva, did we come from the same family :superfunny:

*wink*

Scary for YOU! ;)

HAHAHAH *winks*

I was born in Oklahoma and it is hella hard to get any court papers opened, most of the time they won't do it at all and that sucks.

Thanks so much for participating!

I also was born in Oklahoma and adopted at 11 days. At the time I was born, 1963, Oklahoma had the highest rate of unwed mothers in the US and was the only state where you adopt a child and immediately take them out of the country.

I have met my birth parents, but after the original Ophah moment it was disappointing. I needed them to be sorry for discarding me, and they aren't. They gave me away because they loved me so much into a very very abusive situation. Logically I know they did the best they could.

When I met them I had what is called "the bastard moment" when you go from an upstanding member of society back to where you have to lie about who you are or have relatives who wont even look at you because you ruined their mother's life and so forth. It's not always or even often a happy daytime TV moment.

I was always told I was adopted, and at first thought all children were chosen. I later learned chosen as a replacement for the child my adopted parents dreamed they could have on their own. An impostor.

My birth certificate (the one made after the adoption, the one that does not have illegitimate stamped on it) says I am Scots Irish and that my adopted parents gave birth to me. Actually I am Irish and Cherokee. Not even the race they wanted.

I am no fan of the closed adoption system. Lies and secrets abound.

More later. :)

Where in Oklahoma?

My real mother has lied to me so much about why I was given up and who she thinks my father is, that I have no clue where to start on searching for him.

I agree, closed adoptions are abound with lies and secrets.


On my birth certificate as well, I am listed as Cherokee and French, my adopted family is actually Swedish, Dutch and Kanza.

Great thread idea!!

As an adoptee, I know much of what you have gone through.

I'm at work... busy busy day for us chief bean counters! I will be back to post my story...

In the meantime, have any of you ever read anything about "The Primal Wound?" It was very eye-opening to me...

Christie

I don't read books, so if it's a book, I have no clue LOL

I try not to read about things pertaining to adoption and such cuz it angers me more and sets off things in my brain and I get mad.

Man dose this hit a sore spot big time.I wish I had just been raised on an orpanage not knowing a thing about my family conections..ever,yes it would have been so much easyer to deal with.My grandparents were always my grannie and popa,they were the rock I had in my life till they passed.My aunt who I always thought of as my mom,really wasnt,talk about slap in the face when a 6yro finds out that the mom u thought u had wasnt at all.Mom was always distant with me,worked a lot..even when she was home.Over the years i took lots of bs about my bio parents abandoning me...he left then she handed me off to my aunt then hit the road just like the old man did.Both remarried adopted other peoples kids,raised them very well indeed,never a good word or thought about the kid they threw out.My bio mother,was the family wild child,daddio was a hot shot ladys man who loved then and left them.After a time they finaly hooked up with someone settled down with family and a life.I herd from so many aunts,uncles,cousins and ppl in general about how I was a wothless missbegotten child who would turn out like them cause it is preordained in me,how could I ever be any less.When my grand parents passed I was 10 when pops went and 16 when grannie passed.I had already become quite a rebel.then all hell broke loose after grannie went...if I wasnt bad ass enough befor I shure made up for it then.If anyone had ever cared to find out how the meanness of ppl can hurt a child,I would be a poster kid for the issue.The sence of being abandoned,unloved,put up with cause what else can u do with something u just have to deal with but dont remotely care about.They tryed to beat it out of me,ignore me.send me off to a catholic bordeing school to get rid of the prob...If I was pissed before u have no idea how pissed I really became.They didnt break me.what they did was give me a life of distrust feeling of not being able to trust what ppl say to me.To shorten the story I will say this...I servived...lots of tharapy...knowing my son loves me no mater what...my fur kids keep me grounded...finaly all the ppl involved in this mess (except me) passed away.Recently I got rid of the toxic ppl in my life(talk about feeling great) and I am moveing on in rebuilding my life one step at the time.
Rockin

I too was adopted. My mother proceeded to abuse me until I was 14 and taken out of the home. After she had kicked me in the chest repeatedly while wearing clogs. She collapsed my mitral valve and left me in the driveway because she was angry that my father had gone to NM for his brothers funeral.

I knew I was adopted from early on, in fact I was reminded of it almost every day by Mom, who said I was her debt to society not a family member.

I don't reveal all this in a poor me manner. It is what it is and I've had years of therapy. Here is an interesting fact that is not loudly talked about:

It has long been documented that former foster kids are overrepresented in America's prisons....Example: "69% on inmates in California State Prisons were former foster children; 60% in Massachusetts were foster children" according to testimony on the Congressional Record. The same appears to be true of adoptees.... Example: According to FBI stats: "16% of 500 serial killers are adoptees." http://foia.fbi.gov/foiaindex/foiaindex_s.htm and according to Dr. Mike Aamodt, Radford University, "14% of 225 serial killers are adoptees."
Therefore, it begs the question as to WHY, if adoption (instead of foster care or permanent guardianship) is truly in the adoptees' "best interests," does "an over-representation of adoptees" end up in prison --

• regardless whether adopted as newborns or later in childhood,
• regardless whether placed with abusive or loving adopters,
• regardless whether they inherited "good genes" or "bad" genes from loving or abusive biological parents,
• regardless whether of one race/nationality or another,

[Note that AmFOR includes as noteworthy not only adoptees whose behaviors since childhood have escalated to felony crimes but also some truly "wrongfully convicted" adoptees who have been easily coerced into admitting guilt or accepting plea bargains for crimes they did NOT commit from lifelong acquiescence regarding their unnatural status.]
While many factors result in criminal behaviors, the fact of the adoption, how it was handled in the adoptive home, and "Adopted Child Syndrome" is often purposely overlooked at trial because it is "politically incorrect" to explore adoption's negative effects on the adoptee. Savvy profilers, forensic psychologists, attorneys, writers and other researchers, factor in adoption's abuse, not as an "excuse" but as a contributory "reason" (the "WHY") for criminal behavior in these individuals.

Adele, I often wondered this about the inmates in our system but I don't see anything Politically Incorrect about bringing up the negative side of adoption.


Is it the anger the adoptee has that leads them to a life of violence or is it truly "bad genes"

Rockin,

I am so sorry that you and some of the other posters had to experience these horrid actions of your adopted parents, I grew up in a great home with lots of love yet today I am an angry adult who has tons of questions and no answers.

I found some interesting links to skim over and read if y'all want to.

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoptio...ds_closed.html

http://edu.udym.com/closed-vs-open-adoption/

I always felt like I was in a swirl of lies and secrets. Sometimes finding them does not fulfil our fantasy of who we always dreamed they were.

I just received it, I am reading that an some other books. Very eye opening! Loking forward to reading more about you. :)

Angry, misbegotten, abandoned. I so get all that!
People have tried to break my will too, we are stronger than people think. Thank you so much for participating!


Closed adoption is so not in anyone's interest. Adopted Child Syndrome exists and I hope more people will beging to see it for what it is and get their lovely ideas of all the happy adoptions out of their minds.

Sorry if this brings up sore subject for you. I totally understand if its too much.

I am so glad things worked well for you, you are in the minority actually.

No it's not too much, this is a topic that needs to be talked about to where everyone can express how they feel about the topic and their feelings.

Thank you for this thread!!!

...................

the sentence I bolded is the biggest frustration I have, I go to the dr. and can't tell them anything because I am adopted. I know a few things from my real mothers side of the family but not my fathers.

Its weird for me too, when I fill out paperwork at the doc's office, half of it says adopted.

How traumatic to not find out you are adopted till 17! Did they tell you, or did you find out on your own?

Was your father glad you found him?

My life seems like a movie too, several of them. I totally get that.

Maybe thats why we love film so much, we feel like our lives are not really real? Apparently that is a pretty usual side effect of adoption.

Thank you for sharing!

The doc's look at me funny sometimes as well but I shrug it off because I don't think the concept of closed adoptions have come into play with their line of work.

I am to the point that I know some form of cancer will kill me or I will keel over dead at old age.

....................

I checked them both out.

Link one makes more sense to me than link 2 and has a lot of good info I found in the books I have been reading.

Link 2 talks in part about myths of adoption and how it is a myth that adoptees have problems often. I do not agree with that at all.

If there must be an adoption, I side for Open Adoptions where there are zero secrets.

Logically we know we will die of old age, but every time I have a pain, I wonder if it is because of some disease I don't know about.

Did it change your life when she told you? Are you angry about any of it?

I get ya on wanting to know the info on health,cause I know nothing about the other side of the familys health issues.Once I did contact someone about it,I told them all I wanted was health info...they hung up the phone.I gess like most of us will never know much if anything.I figure all I can do is stay healthy and fit as I can.
A fue questions,it may sound kinda weired but, hear it is.Do any of u feel like u are constantly looking for something,waiting for something to happen.In one of my therapy sessions I ask about this,the anser I got was..everybody dose that it dosent matter who.
The reason I ask is so many times I feel like no matter how hard I try,how much I work to do all I can to be the best I can be,its not enough.Also in social situations I can be such a dork,I often dont really beleave ppl are wanting to include me in what ever is going on as they are just being pc in public.There is one more but im not shure how to say it right,but hear goes..This has triped me up a lot..when I meet someone intresting that I would like to know better...I hear what they say about me,us maybe dateing some more. I hear them but somewhere in my mind I either dissassosheate it or am not shure if they mean it,so to keep from being hurt again...I step back
and out of whatever it could become.This has cost me big time,I hate it for doing this,so dont really know how to get past this.
Rockin

I don't get what this has to do with adoption. I must have missed something here.

Jet..Sorry I didnt think of it as a derail,but as of some of the problems that can often ocure because of the negative inpacts that happen when we deal with family as well as adoption issues and how they impact us in life.Consider he question withdrawn.
Rockin

No, its fine, i just couldn't get the connection.

Jet
Sometimes I even confuse myself..adhd moment.
Rockin

I was adopted at one day… well; actually 33 days if you count the first 32 were spent in the hospital considering I weighed in at a hefty 3.02 oz… quite a feat for 1970 in that I survived.

My parents told me I was adopted at about age 5. I remember running across the street to my aunt’s house, bursting through the front door and interrupting my cousins’ board game of Probe, “Did ya’ll know I am A D O P T E D?!?!?!?” My aunt’s jaw hit the floor; apparently my mother had neglected to tell her they were going to explain it to me. I went on to explain, “I am special. I was picked out. They chose me. They had to take Lonnie (my youngest brother) whether they wanted him or not.”

I was the answer to my mother’s lifelong dream of a “little girl.” My brothers, their natural children, were 16 and 15 when I arrived on the scene. You can tell from pictures that it was more that they “put up with me” as opposed to sharing in my parents’ exuberance.

My mother often tells the stories of literally hiding me when strange cars would pull into our drive that first year – because she just knew that my birth mother had changed her mind and decided to take me back.

Two years later, my youngest brother arrived… my mother had thought she was in menopause rather than that she was pregnant. My oldest brother married that same year, and in effect, we had “two families.”

Over the years, my mother (an undiagnosed bipolar) reminded me umpteen times how much expense and effort they endured to have me. It created an unspoken internal pressure in me to excel… in sports, in academics… you name it – I had to be the best.

It also made me feel defective. If only I had been _________ (fill in the blank), my birth mother (unwed teen) would have kept me. Couple this with the early realization I was gay…well, I have spent most of my life trying to be, prove something.

It was also apparent that I was a rotten brat. In as much as I felt at the time there were double standards between what was acceptable for me vs. what was acceptable for my brother, I can look back today and realized that I was just incorrigible in so many ways. If I didn’t get my way, I would merely start to pout and when the crocodile tears started rolling down my cheeks, I would say something about, “If I wasn’t ADOPTED…” O.M.G. I woulda buried me in the backyard.

I found my biological family when I was 23. I was pregnant with my son at the time. I had been on the “list” (in TN, there was (maybe still is) an Adoption Search Dept within the Dept of Human Services) since I was 21 (the legal age to search).

My story is slightly different than most in that my biological parents went on to marry and have two other children. We are all exactly 18 months apart in age. My sister (3 yrs younger) and I are as close as we can be… sometimes more so than others. My brother and I don’t speak at all. Our Uncle had told my sister when she was about 18 that I existed, so she wasn’t surprised when I surfaced. My brother, who up until that moment had been the oldest, would have the first grandchild, etc… well, he was less than pleased. Our noncommunication is a mutual decision. I have met him – even attended his wedding… but the bottom line is that we have no commonalities except we were born of the same two parents.

My birth parents and I… well, its almost like a penpal relationship. We communicate really well through my sister! LOL I think they and I both keep some distance out of respect for my parents.

My sister… oh my sister… She is the living breathing younger (straight) version of me… we look alike… and when we are with my bio mother, its like looking at the same woman at three different ages in her life. We speak alike, using the same patterns and expressions… even though she was raised in Florida and I in TN. My handwriting is nearly identical to my bio mother and even she has trouble telling my sister and I apart on the phone.

I never went looking for another set of parents… or even siblings. I looked for someplace I belonged – somewhere I fit. My parents and brothers… I never “fit” – my brothers all looked like my father… all had olive skin, brown eyes and hair… and then there was me… redheaded, freckles, buck-toothed as a beaver and so very tall…I liked Blues music and have an aptitude musically… They all like old Country or Southern Rock and can’t play any instruments… They all are very gifted artists… can draw most anything and my stick figures look like that of a child’s. They love wet, dripping saucy ribs and I want dry ribs…

Then I meet the bio family. I was born in Memphis. My grandmother still lived in the family home. When I drove down to meet them all for the first time, my Nanny Hazel looked at me, hugged me tight and said that she had waited for that day for 23 years. She then looked at my son’s father and said, “I don’t know who the hell you are but you look like a son of a bitch to me.” HA!!

I FIT!!! She led me to the dining room where my bio father was playing a blues tune on the upright piano and low and behold, there was a platter just overflowing with DRY RIBS from Bozo’s BBQ!!!

I FIT!! I really fit!!

Nature? Nurture? *shrugs*

I know this has been lengthy, but in as much as we have baggage from being adopted… and not all reunions are like Oprah… I think that the mediocre stories need to be told too.

Christie

Actually many people who are adopted feel unconnected and angry. It's common in fact. I am surprised your therapist did not pick up on it.

I am not saying every adopted person, of course there are success stories, but a huge amount of adoptees continue to search all their lives and do not have any idea for what.

Adopted people are known to have abandonment issues too. Like even though people you try to date are telling you they want you, you still have that early trauma in the back of your head even if you don't know it's there, making you pull away. Like "I will leave first so you can't hurt me" kind of thing.

You suffered a very deep early trauma. That teeny helpless baby (you) was abandoned through no fault of your own and no matter how good your adoptive parents are, sometimes that trauma causes us to feel the ways we do. The social interaction difficulties, the problems connecting, in fact everything you mentioned can arise form adoption and the lies and secrets surrounding it. Not having a real past. and then when you reached out, you were turned away from again. No wonder you have these issues.

The books I am reading are: (Christie Avocado mentioned one)

Adoption Healing...a Path to Recovery by Joe Soll

Primal Wound by Nancy Veverier

Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness by Betty Jean Lifton

Maybe you could start by reading some and talking here. Maybe we can all help each other work through some of this stuff?

christie
So happy for u that u found such a happy place to fit,we often forget that not all adoptions are as good as we would like.As for the brother,its his loss,you family sounds like fun...ribs huh, wtg.
Rockin

I think the things Rockin brings up are very usual of adopted people. I did not have any idea myself until my therapist told me and suggested some really great books, I just posted. Might be an interesting read?

Thanks so much for participating!

Thats a great story Christie (Avocado) I am so happy you found a place you fit!

It all comes down to BBQ in the South doesn't it?

My biological grandparents were the ones who made my bio-mother put me up for adoption, so I never met them. Two of my bio brothers (half) would not even look at me when I met them so I get it about your brother.

My biological father says he did not know she was pregnant, but bio mom says he did. He was sent early on to Vietnam, so was there when I was born.

I also have felt the pressure to prove something, to overachieve. I completely get that.

My sister and I are both adopted. She also from Oklahoma. She has not been contacted by her birth parents.

I'm 53 and way past the point of wanting anything further to do with adoption stuff.:deadhorse: Like I said, I found my bio dad at 28. I called him on his shit and then I had peace. My father was a con in and out of prisons all through the 50s and early 60s.

My dad who adopted me when I was 5 is my dad and always will be.

apocalipstic
Thanks for the headsup on the books,I will check at bam next time I go.My therapist says or said cause I dont go anymore,is that we can change life by just doing it..to some point she is right..others im not shure about.One thing for shure I had to really work on not being angry about it all,not shure I will eve compleatly get over any of the probs but I shure can make them less of an effect on my life.The triggers that set things off I stay away from as much as possable,and if im faced with it anyway I try to look at it in a diffrent light if possable.This isnt easy at times.Thanks for understanding cause sometimes I dont,just knowing im not the only one with this issue helpes a lot.
Rockin

I get that completely and thank you for sharing what you have with us. :)

I am 46 and going through therapy as a trauma survivor and had never thought that the adoption stuff made any difference in my life. As I look into it, it explains so much about my anger inside. For me, my anger is not beating a dead horse.

For me, it is a good thing to process. I thought all my anger was from more recent trauma, but the trauma started before I was born.

I hope it will help with my anger and with my family phobia. Maybe my nightmares will stop, maybe I will feel whole.

Thank you for discussing with me, it really helps me to know I am not alone in my anger too. :)

Yes, we can change our life by changing our behavior, but for me it helps to think about the whys. Different therapists work in all sorts of different ways, I wish you had had one who let yo know it is OK to feel like you do and why you feel like you do.

For me, knowing why helps me work past things. I have "aha moments" and can work through.

It really IS all about the BBQ...

I don't want to give the impression that I had the Waltons kinda childhood... quite the opposite. One of those deadon examples of how things aren't always as they appear.

Momma was undiagnosed/unmedicated till I was about 16. She once was on her way down the hallway in between our (my younger brother and I's) room and hers with my father's favorite .38 in hand, going to "go ahead and kill them so they don't have to grow up in this world." It was fortunate that my father intercepted her.

She was chronically suicidal when my father was away for military crap. My oldest brother, his wife and children lived in the basement apartment of our home and Daddy felt safe leaving us. I remember no less than 5 times before my 12th birthday that Momma had swallowed a handful of pills and had to be forced to vomit by my brother.

Mental health issues weren't talked about... they were whispered about and heaven forbid if you sought treatment.

I know that she did the best she could given the "tools" she had. I know that her issues are chemical in nature (for the most part) and for the last 24 years or so, she had led a relatively "normal" life.

I can't tell you how robbed of a childhood I have felt. I can't describe the anger, hurt and abandonment issues I felt towards my father. My sister, when we are speaking (in those closer than other times) often laugh that a judge, two attorneys, the TN Baptist Children's Home and a couple social workers thought that I would be "better off" raised by my parents.

Then I look at the pictures of my folks when I was a baby. They were SO happy... so proud... and honestly, couldn't love me more than if I had been naturally theirs.

I tried therapy to deal with some of my issues regarding being adopted in my early 20's. I quickly came to the conclusion that I could spend years and thousands of dollars and still not be "whole."

I admire those willing to delve that deep with a professional to resolve the issues. I think that for me, I have chosen to acknowledge that they are there... and find "workarounds." Several years ago, I had a time of soulsearching, analyzing and "me work". I know that a lot of folks haven't yet had that... and maybe never will.

Maybe its like putting a band-aid on a spurting artery. Maybe its that "primal wound" that will never be healed.

For me, even "less than whole", I think that I'm pretty well functional. If my adoption issues continued to cause me distress in my daily life, I would be hunting them down and killing them.

I think in a lot of ways, I'm lucky that I've evolved into the person I am today.