Reactions to Embracing Your Femme(ness)
 

Hey Fellow Femmes!

I have been reading the sweet stories in the Butch Reactions thread and thought it would be nice to talk about how we ourselves and the people around us reacted to us embracing our Femme(ness).

This can be either coming out as Femme or just embracing our hyper-Feminine (or differently-Femmed) way of being.

Would love to hear your stories!

I love this and thought I'd share it here!

I was in a meeting a few weeks ago (wait, what month is it again?? ;) ) and somehow it came up that I am gay. No biggy, but after the meeting an older male co-worker came up to me with a very startled look on his face and started going on and on about how he had no idea I was gay...I looked like a librarian, I looked so wholesome, if he had to pick a gay woman out of a line-up he would never think it was me, blah,blah,blah.

I let him finish and managed to keep a polite look on my face (I think) and when he was done I said, "Well, now you know the horrible truth!"...and walked away. I think he was attempting to give me a backhanded compliment, but dude!!!! :|

AY-MEN and Hallelujah!!!

Hello Folks -

I was at the Femme Conference this weekend in Baltimore - It made me miss the Planet MADLY! Can't wait for reunion.

That is all (for now)
xoxox
ADG

Thank you Medusa for starting this thread and thank you Novelafemme for the great link. Love the image of a busty bevy of curvy femmes laughing, singing and tearing apart a pinata.
I came out in a gentle, accepting Nor Cali town that had 4 womyn's lands and a history of Back to the Land communities that started out with hippie hetero couples and women who then discovered they loved each other more than they loved their husbands. But no femmes.
My first GF was my one and only butch I've been with and I still ache for the sweet and tender way she looked at me and treated me. I am femme mostly because I love butch women so much, I love how they make me feel in body and soul.
I spent many years with men (by choice, I wanted black kids who knew and loved their father and being with men was the best way I could accomplish this) but when I saw a butch EMT lope towards me at work one day, the sight of her broke me of my habit of men. Why have serve a man hamburger when you can eat caviar off the bicep of a butch?
When I was single again, many men came forward to court me (I'm sure y'all know what I'm talking about). They were surprised when I said I was a lesbian, had been for years and that I was with men by choice. No man has said anything as narrow-minded as what the elder gentleman said to Novelafemme but they are puzzled. At one point I subscribed to the belief that wanting a butch woman and wanting a strapping butch woman was really wanting a man. But for me, men are a poor substitute for butch women. There's an emotional quality in butch women that I crave that men don't have. There is a huge difference between wanting a butch woman or even butch male ID person and wanting a bio-male. It's not about physical structures as much as it is about biology and energy.
The men who had come forward hoping to date me listened to my story and asked if it was because my ex broke my heart, or because I really didn't like men. I told them all the story of the butch EMT who broke me of my habit of men in full detail and they would often see the delight and change in my mannerisms and go 'Aha! She really, really likes butch women! I know she likes me as a friend but...she's lighting up at the thought of a woman's muscled arm, the golden hairs on her muscled arms and the twinkling of forearm muscles. I can't compete with that. She likes me as a friend but loves butch women'. They would 'get' what I meant. I wasn't rejecting the men by loving women. Usually once we get past that point, they realize it was never about men or how an individual male treated me. It was more about embracing the full beauty of a person and loving the beauty of butch women.

I am not hyper feminine (nor differently femmed). Just femme. I never was androgynous or alternative. Certainly not butch.

I ID'd as femme because I wanted to fuck and be fucked by butches and wanted to feel like a woman (not a gay boy) while I was getting it. That's honestly how it started.

Then it grew to be part of me. It made sense. It acknowledged the natural connection I felt with my mom and other women while allowing me to be the queer that I am. (I am so oblivious to guys that I have been accused of being a 6 on the Kinsey scale.) It made sense for me.

I also fuck femmes. I like femmes sexually. That is unusual in butch-femme. I do not fuck femmes who try to bring out the boy in me. If I don't feel like a woman in bed, it ain't gonna happen twice.

I like Femme Tops and hungry girl bottoms. Right now, I'd say my preference is for femmes, but that stuff shifts around.

I try not to talk about femme in terms of how I dress or do my hair although it's almost impossible to avoid. But I am femme. I feel my grace, and to a special few, I have communicated it.

Great topic..

For me it when I first began to date women, I never really understood what I was attracted to I just knew I was attracted to women....

My 1st date and relationship was with a femme woman it wasn't a very lasting relationship because something inside me felt odd, strange, a sense of it not fitting....

I shrugged it off as just 2 people with 2 different goals in life and left it at that...

A little along the track I met another woman I connected with who happened to be femme again and again the same road led to a short term relationship of confusion, it was at this point that I began to question myself and my sexuality all over again, it was like I put myself back into a closet and I was feeling suffocated....

I remember thinking perhaps my parents are right, this was just a phase in my life and I would meet a man and fall in love and so it was, I met a man I had the wedding the white picket fence and soon a beautiful baby girl but something was still missing and my marriage failed....

After this I took some much needed self discovery into who I was, what I liked, what attracted me....A friend of mine came over who asked me to join her at a butch/femme dance curious at what it all meant I decided to give it a try...

Which is where I met an amazing woman whom just so happened to be a butch woman...

For the first time every started to fit, all those pieces that was missing was found in one person, when she brought me flowers I never had the feeling of it being wrong, when she held me in her arms it never felt confusing it just felt like home...

So that's when I began to accept and understand that my identity was a femme woman, and I was very much attracted to butch women...

Naturally having this idea has sparked much fuel in my life with my friends and others believing that labels are fake or a waste of time in fact I even had one go as far to tell me I was racist to my own kind lol but in the end....

I do identify to a label because it's not about being a label it's about being comfortable with who I am inside, it's about knowing what I can feel for another without force being involved, loving another femme woman for me felt forced, it felt empty and had no meaning for me....

I love the dynamics of a butch/femme relationship....I love my shopping, I love my shoes, I love my dresses, I love who I am as a person (Yes crazy emotions and all) and I need the opposite to balance me and make me whole....

I know some pretty hormonal butches if that's what you're saying.

I just am femme. I am constantly changing, evolving, exploring and just being me. I don't explain myself to anyone, I don't make excuses for anything I do "out of femme norm". There are times when I am super girly, and times when I'm not. I've been with butches, femmes and everything in between. I've topped and bottomed and go with the flow. I follow my heart and do what makes me feel right inside. I don't allow much to define my femininity - that is apparent no matter what.

No just meaning that I can often sometimes be over emotional or passionate on something I feel strongly about but it's just part of who I am as a whole and I love that about myself... I agree butches can be equally hormonal some just tend to express it differently to how I do, meaning I tend to be outspoken some butches I have been in a relationship with tend to close themselves up... :)

Gender
 

I identified as dyke till right around 2001, I'm not overly girly not even as a wee lil lass I honestly was androgynous till about the age of 16 then my mother began her weird Latina Catholic cultural binary enforcement of heels and all things fluffy, frilly and uncomfortable to wear the only thing I liked was make up and having a skin regimen. I was often more comfortable amongst more masculine folk and just did my thing. I never truly embraced Femme until right around the age of 30 and after stumbling onto the dash site I learned that my gender presentation is Femme and I soaked in, participated and grew to know Femmes who were like myself.

I t was very emotional for me personally because I wasn't sure where I fit in the gender spectrum and because I often allowed my masculinity to be shamed I allowed the confusion to almost second guess my growing into my gender.


I feel very blessed to have attended outings, conferences, partake in convos both in real time and online that helped me embrace Femme. It's was a great relief that my gender had nothing to do with heteronormative expectations, clothing, hair, nails, who I date and so on.

I'm not fully grown into my gender I'm still on my journey and I don't think that it'll stop until I'm no longer here.

I didn't have a Femme Moment. I had the gay moment, but femme just seemed a natural extension of me. As I became more comfortable with myself, I got a shit ton more girly. By being more girly, I found my voice and confidence. It just kinda fed on itself.

For me, being femme had very little to do with whom I was attracted to. In fact, defining myself as femme because I was attracted to masculine energy always made me feel more invisible.

For me, I started glittering about age 16. My mother is not very girly. She jokes that if it didn't sparkle or you couldn't pet it, I wouldn't wear it.

I came out at 17, and she was confused. I didn't help that much by dating a guy trying to "make sure" I was gay. Someone, I'm sure it was a gay man, slapped the label "femme" on me. It fit, and I was convinced I was some kind rebel, defying stereotypes. And I didn't want to date a stereotype, no! I would like femme girls, I decided. Until I met a charming (I use that term loosely, I was 19.) butch with gorgeous eyes.

We slept together and the way we did it felt so natural. Since then, it's been only Butch women for me.

I hated it when lesbians asked if I was straight when I was clearly in the dyke bar. I hate it when people ask who I'm there to support at Pride. I hate the backhanded compliment of "you don't look like a lesbian". My first instinct says Who the fuck are you to tell me what a lesbian looks like? But I say, "you don't look like a straight dude."

I'm a femme. I glitter. I like attention. I don't like feeling invisible.

I'm still learning and growing into my femme-ness. I love that as a community, we have gotten past the stereotyping bullshit that often happens when we hear the terms butch and femme. I am attracted to people not based on how they ID, but how our energy works together. Most I have dated look butch, but only a few have ID'd that way. I have also dated a few femmes.

Great topic. I'm curious to read more responses. :)

I suppose I should talk about the original topic. for the most part, as a femme I feel wholly invisible in the LGBTQ community. I don't like some of the "priviledges" that come with being me. people assume I'm straight. I'm not out to everyone yet because I'm not completely comfortable in my own skin. i've been out to my parents, most friends, and a few acquaintances for years. At work and meeting new people is usually a different story. this year, I have put a rainbow pin on my backpack. at first, it made me really uneasy. now, I really like it because it saves me from perhaps yet another awkward conversation. aside from a little fear when I'm walking home alone at night, I like the subtle message I'm giving to the world: yeah, I'm queer, no I don't "look" like it, and please take a moment to re-examine your views of the world. for the most part, people are very supportive once they know.

I understand. I wore a pink triangle everywhere in college. I once had a (suspected lesbian) ask me what it meant, confused on why a straight-looking woman who always wore skirts would wear a pink triangle. And I wore a button that said "Vagatarian" as well as many political buttons on my coat. I still feel like I have to scream "I'm a dyke" at times in order to be taken seriously. Portia De Rossi, Cynthia Nixon and that cute country singer make it easier though.

My first true femme moment was not my lesbian moment because that came well before my femme moment.

My first real lesbian relationship was my best friend, a femme. She was beautiful, sexy, funny, smart but something was missing for me.

We were together for about a year and drifted apart but stayed friends. Her next girlfriend was a darling baby butch with dimples named George (short for Georgiana but everyone called her George). When the femme and I got together she did not know until she met George that butches did it for her either.

I met my first butch at a NOW meeting, that hotbed of lesbian menaces (according to Betty Friedan anyway).

We became friends (as much as a butch and femme that are totally sexually attracted to each other can be) and she invited me over for drinks one night.

I was nervous as hell and totally excited in a way I never was with the femme. We chatted, laughed, the hour grew late. During a lull in the conversation, she looked at me and said, "Come here". I asked, "Why?" swallowing a gasp, knowing full well, and hoping like hell that I was right...

...she pulled me close and gave me a kiss that left me breathless.

It was a crystal-clear moment of knowing that "thing" that I was missing with the femme was the exact spark that the butch possessed. She did not make me more gay but she sure as hell made me more in touch with the femme that I would be from that moment on.

martina talks about grace. i'm looking for a word but that's not it. i'm going to think of grace for now until i find the word i'm searching for. there's a femmeness i feel. as i'm sure we all do, if we are women. anyway, i just don't have a lot of femme moments lol. is this one? nahh jk lol.

there's something about the way she moves, ... her mind, her love, her caring, her everything. what's that word i'm looking for!

i also liked "bring out the boy in me" by martina. not because i want a femme to bring out the boy in me. but that's part of what the butch/femme connection does. brings out parts of ourselves that say a butch/butch can't, or a femme/femme. she brings me!

so the first time i felt my femmeness, ... hasn't happened LOL. jk. i'm silly and it's late.

thank you all for sharing.

LOL I have no grace. In fact, my nickname used to be Grace because I'm such an ungraceful klutz!

Someone should have sent me to charm school!

I only have an issue when I am in the general lesbian community. Then I am questioned or looked at weird or am misunderstood. I am not involved in the butch femme community in San Diego here very much at all because have not really found the pocket of folks yet. Instead, we hang out with people in the general lesbian population who are great, but it's nice to have that time with my femme sisters who I can really relate with. I keep saying I am going to try to find the BF people by organizing events, and then I get busy, hopefully soon!!

I work with many lesbians in my profession, but no femmes. They are all nice and everything but I am always the outsider. They don't understand me and my relationship with Lisa (Justin). They don't understand why I am attracted to butches and why I don't like pretty girls. We go round and round, but it's all good. There is a new office romance between two girlie girls and it's all the rage. They are always running off in the lunch room together, taking breaks together, scheduling shifts together. They boggle mind just as much as I boggle theirs! I always think... Who opens the door for who? Who pays for dinner? Who is the top? Who holds who's hand? Hahahha. I will ask them soon... Time for me to do the grilling!!!!!!! Tables are turning!!!

:-D

Starry, I love this! I can so relate:)

It was one of the most difficult things for me with my femme.

Maybe it is because I was socialized in my former life with men to let them do the initiating but I came across this all the time with her!

In the beginning we would both sit and look at each other, wanting to make love but having no clue how to "start".

I finally was pushed into more of a top role but that really was not me and never felt comfortable at all. Yes, I know there are plenty of alpha femme tops but I am not one of them (kind of a switch but that is another story).

:)

This whole post is wonderful, but especially the highlighted part!!

I'd love to be a butterfly on the wall when that happened. Thanks for sharing Starry

It's my own sterotype. I have my own perceptions on how things should be based on how I live my life. I am no different than them I suppose!

I'm glad this thread is here.

I think people's identities are all so unique.

If someone takes credit for liberating or waking up or setting free the femme in you, beware.

That honor is yours only.

Anyway, that's what I believe.

This is wonderful! Thank you for posting this!

ADG

Hmmm.
 

I find that most people who ignorantly ask if I'm with mine that they're so stuck on straight privilege that they forget their manners. It's rude, unprofesional, and ignorant.


As for the check it's 9 times out of 10 handed to me, I tend to make it very clear in the world who's Master & Commander of our voyage in the world.

i find the patrons are way more rude/ignorant than most waitstaff. i suppose the staff are so cautious about making assumptions that they just stumble at times.

We love road trips!
 

We're foodie, traveling, food truck experiencing kinda folk so with patrons it regional .



When we've travelled out West, up North our dynamic wasn't a biggie with staff or patrons we can either enjoy our meal as a couple or as a family.


In Wyoming and The South regardless of how deep it is staff and patrons are down right rude, imposing, and irritating.


I'm not a fan of having my experiences in life ruined by isms from anyone I'm handing my money to. If you're stupid enough to stare as I walk through to be seated I'm going to br vocally expressive and ask that they mind their business. If it's not a known Queer safe establishment or town I'm pretty prepared to deal with idiots in a calm demeanor. That goes out the window if the man cub is around and anyone chooses to cross into our space. It's not pretty but it's something not new when it comes to assholes.

I should start with a bit of a warning... I am tired today.

Embracing my femmeness is recent. Like the pendulum swung in the femme direction and hovers there now. I've spent most of my adult life being blah (my own word since I really tried not to stand out), middle of the road, androgynous looking. I've not questioned my connection to being a woman. Overall, I've felt no disconnect from the body I was born into (my eyelashes are very thin and I don't like that since it is strictly out of proportion to the rest of my bodies dimensions).

These days I don't mind standing out and being more "girly" looking. Dressing in a way that feels good to me. I am very tired of the assumptions that go with the "girly" look. This may be one of the reasons I didn't dress this way before that I forgot.

Assumptions that irritate me:
1. that I am straight. travel with a child and good luck ever being seen when standing without at another queer person around you to stimulate the question of is she?

2. that I am more concerned with how I and others look than ideas/thoughts. My brain is so much more important to me than my body when it comes to how I want people to experience me. It is what I focus on in getting to know other people.

3. the but you are so girly looks/statements when I speak about feminism, sexism, classism, and racism. People share their -isms more openly, as if I will condone them or something. I am sure I am not adequately describing this phenomenon but it freaks me out. the oh I thought you'd be okay with it looks or statements.

4. my dry and subtle sarcasm is totally misunderstood more now than it was before. I really don't want to change that part of me so I use more disclaimers which totally ruins the punch line or the thought provoking nature of saying the exact opposite of what I really think with a straight expressionless face.

Being at work really highlights how femme I am and how femme I am not. That maybe because I work in a very weird section of the state. I am considering going for the hippy look. Just so people won't be so limiting. I am currently experiencing considerable femme angst right now.

Yaknow i thought it was just me but i have noticed a difference in wait staff in regions.

Even in the language they use to address us.

......
 

The south in all it's deepness drives me absolutely fucking nuts with the obnoxious patron/staff familiars...


The assignment of labels such as "ladies", "missies", "honeys" drive me nuts and ruin my going out experience.

I prefer my dining/outing experiences not to turn into forced uncomfortable spaces because their service people aren't trained properly. I'm a fan of comment cards:).

Terrified in Texas
 

Thank you, spritzerJ for including this comment in your experience as it describes my state regularly these days.

I come from a long line of low-level military enlisted and garbage men. I relate to the men in my family much more than to the women. I was taught to survive in this world by a hand-to hand combat specialist. He was a Marine who was parceled out to Navy Seals and Army Rangers and Air Force pilots. He taught people how to kill face-to-face once all other options had been depleted. My body was raised by my mother, a sporty tennis player type, however, my spirit was raised by my father.

6’2” and chiseled he was man who could not embrace his own sexuality. He was remarkably strong yet simultaneously excruciatingly weak. As I look back on growing up and examine how I got to who/where I am today, I see that my father was the one who had the most impact on my psyche thus, I absorbed many of his traits. This sponging of my father was both good and bad. Mostly bad. I have fought his effects on me and ultimately had to find my true self on my own, as we all do. Still searching, by the way.

Okay, so sometimes I do curse like a longshoreman. I have found that this trait is usually a turn-off for many a butch and some of my femme sisters too. I love butches but I feel that butches are not attracted to me. Oh yeah, they are on the surface. I’m curvy, I look nice in a dress, wear heels on occasion (the right occasions) and wear make-up, blah blah blah. I like to do these things as I feel more comfortable in my own skin when I do. But, when it comes down to my need for intellectual conversation, or someone who likes my mind for what it is, someone who just “gets” me…nope. The butches run. Every single relationship I have ever had with a butch has failed miserably. This is not easy for me to reveal here on this website half-populated with butches, some who I think are attractive and whom I look forward to meeting in September or whenever. What I find ends up happening is that I sometimes clam up around people, butches and femmes alike, as when I allow myself to be just me, I feel I am rejected. I am so sick of feeling rejected by my members of my own culture. (I use the word feeling in the previous sentence because being may not actually be accurate and I can accept, and do recognize, that I am living in a world of my own perception.)

On the topic of the outside world and those who think I am straight by the way I look. I could give a f... (there I go again.) I don’t even feel accepted by my own culture, and I am way more concerned about that than whether or not some het at the grocery store sees me for who/what I am. What I don’t like at the grocery store is when I see a butch and try to catch their eye. They turn away and purposefully do not make eye contact with me…and this is a direct result of how I look. I am a femme stuck inside a soccer mom’s body and I am invisible to the people to whom I want to most be visible. I had one butch tell me it’s because I look so straight that I am shunned by the public butch. That too many butches-at-large have succumbed to a het woman’s experimental desires and melted at their deadly charms. Then they get hurt or feel duped and so they shy away from a public femme smile. Just a warm “I see you” smile. Holy hen shit, I don’t want to jump in your pants just because I smiled at you. But that is what it feels like to me, that I am shunned because I am femme. I am so presently, in my mind, femme that I find it hard to step outside myself at every moment and see myself the way the world might be seeing me at that given moment. Sheesh, it’s exhausting. So, I feel rejected every time. Wah wah, f’in wah…right? Shut up, Bleu, no one wants to hear your whiney shit…

I have lived 43 years mentally beaten about how I look. As a small girl, up to 12ish, I was androgynous. Most people thought my brother and I were brothers. I acted like a boy and I fought beside him with boys, as a boy. I was a transgendered child. Then by junior high school I was the girl who blossomed WAY too quickly, having to go with my mother to the ladies section of the department stores to purchase expensive foundation to “reign” them in. Coming out...an OMG! 27 year journey in a few sentences...I tried butch for a while as I somehow equated being a strong lesbian as presenting to the world as a “don’t f... with me” butch. Honestly, I liked how I was treated by folks in the het world as a butch, then realized I was not attracting to me the butches whom I wanted so much to like me. I slowly morphed into a femme and here I am today. I mostly like being femme. But I really just want to be liked and loved for who I am on the inside. Some friends on here have laughed with me about what percentage butch I am…2.5% is the consensus. One certain femme friend called me a futch…cute! On my profile I use the phrase, reluctant femme. I am asked about that on occasion and I have a fairly standard answer stemming around labels, but in writing this, I find I might be more accurate to just state that I acquiesce to myself.

I want to say that the phenomenon I was referencing is like their internal dialogue was "Hay I "accepted your queer now be fair and accept my -ism".

I'm not usually so grouchy. I just keep trying to mentally scrub myself from the first week back to school and the work BS.

There can be beautiful femme experiences. I've had them with Stoney. Hy takes the time to enjoy my presentation in looks and adores my mind.

When you describe how Syr eats at the truck stop so peacefully that is how I want to feel about being femme. Comfortable enough in how I look so where ever I go my mannerisms convey that there is no point to trying to limit me based on looks. And thus begins the we live in a sexist world carousel in my head.