Dating other femmes exes: what do you think?
 

I have a friend- not on this site-that had a recent experience that got me thinking about this topic. I could not find an existing thread about it.

Her ex-girlfriend and my friend ran in the same real life circle as another woman that they both knew. They were not friends but did know each other to say hi and to chat about superficial things and happened to frequently attend the same activities and parties.

My friend and her girlfriend broke up after a one-year relationship. My friend started going out again a couple of months after the break-up and the woman that she knew and her ex blatantly flirted in front of her at a party. My friend was truly crushed.

I honestly did not know what to say to her (other than to empathize with her feelings) as it would never have been something that I personally would have done. I avoid a friend's (even an acquaintance's) ex out of respect for, lack of a better phrase: femme sisterhood. It just does not feel right to me personally.

What do you feel about this? Is it OK because the couple were broken up? Is there a respectable amount of time that should pass before you, as a femme, flirt with or date a friend's ex in front of another femme sister-even if not you are not close friends?

Does it matter?

Is it different online vs. real life?

Your thoughts?

Back when I was "straight", I had a rule that I didn't date anyone connected with a friend (unless it was some kind of fix-up). That included siblings and exes. I think the same rule applies to me now. Friends come before dates.

Thoughts, I may be back with more
 

I personally wouldn't date Medusa's ex or Julie's ex or Pinkie Pie's ex because I have a particular kind of relationship with them and other women in my life that ties them to me via my mushy parts. That's an off limits clear boundary that I have for myself.



I don't think it's wrong if you flirt with X who broke up with U and then it happens to be you run into X at Whole Pay checks and there's some flirtation and cruising. Flirting is just that.

I feel we (general) know what is right or wrong and if it feels odd or off then it probably is.


It's a code of ethics a person has to have, ethics vary by person so my ethics aren't going to be the same as X, Y & Z's but they WILL be similar to June's, Julie's, Pancho's, Crystal's or Kens..

I should amend my answer that one possible exception would be if my friend went out on one or two dates with someone, and they didn't hit it off and decided to remain friends. Then it might not be so awkward, especially if friend says "I think you and Date might be great together". But an ex from a long term relationship? That falls under the "don't" category.

And as usually happens, there's a lot of "it depends" situations as LaneyDoll points out. So it's a situational thing.

way back when i was stupid (i still can't believe how stupid i was. and the worst mistake i've ever made in regards to relationships.), i had a relationship with a friends girlfriend. they had broken up, but still, don't do it. i told my friend that i was talking to her ex, ... she said it was ok, but it wasn't. if you want to keep that persons voice in your life, a friendly voice, ... don't go with their ex. i regret it. i was wrong. i was stupid.

this may be a different topic all together, but i think ego causes us to be stupid lol.

and i might add, online is no different from in person. not in my used-to-be stupid opinion.

If this feeling is prevalent, perhaps this is the reason so many femmes say they can't find a butch to date. Also why a butch can't find a femme to date. This is a small community.

Online
 

I think online it's a bit different if sally and Susie were hot and heavy for 3 months, and then they "break" up then Suzie start chatting up Sunny why should there be an issue?

That kind of drama is odd to me, if Suzie and Sunny meet in r/t and start "dating" Sally should just move on/ use ignore feature.

In terms of "close" friends of mine I would not date their exes EVER....and that would be to count those femme's in my top 10 or so.

On the flip side of this.....if we honored the sister code for everyone then there would be so many single butches and femme's out there and that would just seem a little bit silly.

I personally have seen in my community largely due to the fact that it is small.....so and so dated roughly 200 people ( i know exaggerating a bit, well maybe not lol) in any case my point being why is it not ok to date and or flirt?

Online vs real life ? is there a difference? we are all real people online, at least i would like to think so anyway.

over the years it happens more often than not.......people you may know dating an ex of yours and or you dating an ex of an ex of an ex ....

*you* as in a general statement and not anyone specific.

this is a *sticky* situation one in which I believe may actually cut people off from someone they connect with.

Exactly. Riley and I have been together for almost a year. Yes, we met b/c of her. But, I would not trade this past year for anything.

:sparklyheart:

Also id like to say .....as femme's

Who are we to begrudge an "ex" a possible connection and or "date" and or "flirting"

I would not want to be denied that ability Im sure as heck not going to deny anyone else that especially an "ex", people become exe's for various reasons and what not's, does that mean then that NEITHER one should ever date just because they may know someone who knows someone who knows someone else?

I guess Im just living in reality as well as a very small B/F community.

have i ever told you all that i do not read the directions. ooo gosh, it's the femme zone! my bad.

still, don't do it.

although it is the femme zone yes, personally i see nothing wrong with those of the butch persuasion responding here.

I have very mixed feelings on this one. As others have said, this is a small community. If we don't date each other's exes we won't be dating much of anyone.

For me personally, I wouldn't date the ex of a very close friend, but I would date the ex of an acquaintance in real life or someone I know in a cursory way from online only.

Having said that, I think it's essential to keep other people's feelings in mind. We wouldn't want our ex doing the "wave it in your face" thing to us....so let's not do it to each other. Honestly, I don't put the responsibility for that on the new partner or prospect though...I put that responsibility on the ex.

I think.... just say NO...especially if you value the friendship. There is an unspoken friend code...it exists in the straight world too.....

Forgive me for snipping some parts of your posts but I think these parts highlight how I look at it and many of your feelings.

Length of time counts- together a month online and not in real life? Very different than a long-term one in real life.

Blatantly flirting and "rubbing it in the nose" of the ex who so clearly was not over him or her? Different than being gentle with someone's feelings and showing some discretion.

Clearly deciding if the new relationship worth the loss of an actual friend.

Someone that has a habit of dating 200 people- that was not the case of my friend but do not think that is relevant as much as the length of time of the serious relationship-not casual and very monogamous!

Bottom line, it sounds, if I am reading all of you correctly-everyone has their own boundaries and what is right for them.

I still never would. But that is me. I treat other femmes exactly as I would like to be treated, regardless if they live by another code or not.

Thoughts
 

I don't run into these issues in real life, if my ex is on here I'm going to assume they're gonna be grown and self edit and not involve all of BFP. It's unfair to drag your (general) community through muck cause your (general) ex has moved on.

In real life stuff like this doesn't come up for me, unless it's the ex husbrat and even then I can call the law.

I'm going to put my $.02 worth in hear.Several years ago I dated someone I met on line who lives only an hour from me,we got along great for quite a while,untill I found out quite by accident she had had a long realtionship with a butch buddy of mine ten years or so back.At first it was a huge blow up from my now x friend(not over this) as I got handed all the crap that ended theire relationship,wich was a lot of old dry crap that both were responsable for.L (not hear) had long moved on from this but B (not hear) was still chewing the bone even tho she was in a fine relationship at the moment.It was totaly by accident that B saw us together at a drag show at the local hang out..B grabed me by the collor then proceded to drag me into the bathroom to give me the low down.I simply told her to let it go its been ten years and why are you still bellowing like a stuck cow about something long past.He couldnt even anser me on that question.I mean how long dose it take for people to let go of a suposedly past broken relationship?This is something I find a lot in dateing or meeting someone that they cant let go of whats done and over...I refuse to have a gost of past relationships in my current relationship,no mater how hard anyone trys u cant live up to the past.U can bet the other person has moved on a long time ago..I cant figure it out.It makes me feel like im not good enough,I try to understand but finaly I quit chaseing what is unaccesable.

With all due respect, I do. Anya asked this of her femme sisters specifically. I like the idea that we have the option to request to have conversations with only "like Ids". That is the sole reason I have not responded in this thread. THIS is am responding to because it is important to me this preference remains an option on this site

Oy!
 

Rockin you're a better person than I, let some mother fucker grab me by the collar cause they think in their mind they still have rights to their EX head. That's down right insane right there!

I see this a lot in hetero break ups:|

I think it totally depends on the circumstances.

I have some ex's who it totally wouldn't bother me if a friend dated. I'd be psyched if they made each other happy.

I have others who I would be totally crushed about should that happen.
I'd expect a friend to ask me before making any move in that direction.

As far as me dating a friends ex it would depend on all the same points. I'd generally go with the side of no way. However, if it was a casual short relationship and in well into the past I might ask her how she'd feel about it.

I agree with this. Someone having a fresh break-up of a month or two is quite different than a 10-year break-up! Not to mention the battery of grabbing!

That is a call to :police: !

Perhaps In your question i may need some clarification, you say your friend and her former partner broke up and after a few months witnessed the ex "flirting" with someone she knew however wasn't necessarily friends with....hopefully I followed this correctly...

If the above is correct

Why does the femme code apply to the "person" your friend barely knew?

And why would your friend be upset that the ex is moving on is not your friend also moving on? Is not your friend also dating? If she is how is that different?

I will give you an in real life example of a situation between two people I know, the butch has dated several women in my community she was with my friend for a year it didn't work out, the butch immediately began dating however begrudge my friend who is femme the right to date didn't believe she should and what nots and then tried to pull the card that the ex should not date anyone she knows and in my little community that is basically impossible and that would render both my friend and her ex butch single as long as they remain in this community. I personally do not see this as a realistic situation.

Thanks Snow,I really just wanted to slap the shit out of this person,but she is the spouse of one of my best friends wo wasnt there at the time as she was parking the car when this happened.I didnt say a thing cause I didnt want to put a wedge between my long time friend over her spitefull wife.Sometimes its hard to be the sane one in a crazy world.

Thoughts
 

I have an expectation that if we're hanging out, sharing meals, talking on the phone that you're (general) not gonna rub your cunt on my dates/boyfriend/partner/slaves/boy/girls leg when I get some cake.

Unless we've made arrangements for that kind of scenario (I tend to leave these kind of scenarios for people that aren't chosen/born family) then please respect my people. I say people because Little Duck is a young very handsome butch woman who's thigh is not a stripper pole.

Respect is key I believe.

The original issue was not forever. The issue was blatant flirting a month or two after a long-term relationship. I don't personally look at it as "begrudging".

My perspective is a little more sensitivity or "gentleness" as June called it towards someone that had not yet healed as the breakup was so fresh.

I asked for feedback and knew that there were going to be differing opinions.

Forever would be just plain dumb!

I agree with this

Hell, my ex back in 2002... I would have blessed any new love interest for her, after we broke up. Instead. I moved from Arizona to the east coast to get off her radar. And even then she still operated under the belief that distance would make the heart grow fonder. Oy.... :)

In my mind, anyone who has ever been partnered to or lived with any of my girlfriends is completely and utterly off limits.

And that doesn't mean that my sistergirls aren't partnered to some amazing Butches and Transmen but my primary relationships are with my Femme girlfriends. (I'd say a good 90% of my closest friendships are with Femmes.) Those primary relationships are important to me and reside in a protected place in my heart and no amount of sexytime will change that.

It depends on so many variables. How close you are with the friend, what kind of relationship is had with the ex, how much time has passed etc. In my late teens a friend of mine dated an ex of mine and I was really ok with it. I was kind of strange at first but I didn't want him...she could have him! They broke up but she is still one of my closest friends to this day.

I've never done it, though.

I only have one close femme friend, and she is a Top. So it is unlikely that she would date any of my exes. If she did, I'd like to see it. Just be a fly on the wall.

In general, I think that it's none of my business who my ex dates. Sometimes it's hard to hear about because -- and this is my sad shit -- a lot of times, my exes change after me and end up giving the new person stuff they withheld from me. One was a workaholic. It broke us up. The breakup and a minor health scare got her to re-evaluate, and the next person in her life had a different/better experience in most ways. That shit makes me sad. Sad about me. I certainly wish my exes and their new partners the best. But I don't want to witness their new relationships most of the time, and that's when a friend or acquaintance is not involved.

Casual friends dating exes -- I do not care. A close friend? Only if the relationship had been inconsequential or over for a number of years. If it happened short of that, it would be awkward. In terms of my dating a friend's ex, I guess I'd consider it if I were interested. I'd have to check out how much damage it would cause first. But I don't have any hard and fast rules.

Under normal circumstances, I'd say that I would neither flirt nor otherwise go after a friend's ex because, up until meeting Blue, I'd met no one worth losing a night's sleep over, let alone a friendship.

But...and please bear in mind here that I'm not lucky enough to have any femme friends who live this side of the Atlantic, let alone locally...say I'd met Blue and he was the ex of an (imaginary) best femme friend of mine. Would I flirt with Hym in front of said (imaginary) best femme friend? No, no need to rub salt in the wound. But would I otherwise go after Hym? Absolutely. I'd probably feel shit about it, but selfish as it may seem, knowing what I do about Blue, there is nothing on earth that would stop me from trying to be with Hym.

Which makes me, I guess, judging by most of the responses here, a potentially crappy friend. Sorry:(

Words

I would choose the heart of my established friend over the possibility of having something new with a stranger. Personally, I would be hurt if a friend just disregarded my feelings that way. If you're friends you should at least be able to talk about it beforehand and find out if it's an issue.