Too much honesty?
 

I got this thread topic idea from another thread I'm participating in.

You often hear, "Honesty is the best policy" but is it really? Is there a such thing as too much honesty in a relationship?

Here's where I'm coming from:

I'm a person with Asperger's syndrome. Since childhood, I've always been incredibly blunt and I never quite understood the concept of "time and place". If something is wrong, I point it out and try to "fix" it right away before it festers like an open sore. That's the core of who I am. Now, having said that, I've learned recently about this thing called "gesturing". That, in order to be in a successful relationship there has to be a lot of what I consider a "special type of lying" in order to maintain that relationship.

For example:

• Arguments - Do you aplogize when you know you're not wrong?
• Attraction - Do you deny that someone or something else caught your eye for a just moment when asked?
• Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest?
• Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it?
• Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it?

These are sensitive topics for people in committed relationships and I've only found, through trial and error, that sometimes it is considered "best" to tell white lies about these things and avoid honesty to keep the relationship in smooth-sailing waters.

Since I know most people who will respond to this thread have neurotypically-wired brains, I don't expect that posters will see things the way I see them (black and white) but I'm very curious about the overall idea of gesturing and how it is used (or if it is used) in your relationship.

Are you completely blunt and honest with each other all of the time? Is there a time when being too honest might seriously damage the relationship? Or do you think letting too many things "go" in a relationship will end up in a serious blow-up or break-up?

Where do you, personally, draw the line?

Great topic!! I'd like to contribute but need to put some thought behind it first. I am curious about how others will respond. :) There have been some interesting studies done regarding honesty, white lies and why we do what we do. Might be fun to post the links to a few of them.

Cheers,

Scoobs :)

Great topic!

I'm not in a relationship and since my relationships ended, perhaps I am not the best give advice on any of these topics. I try to be honest without being hurtful. If that makes sense. I have lied to keep the peace and I have told the truth and caused a fight. I don't like who I am when I lie so I really try to be honest without being hurtful.

Arguments - Do you apologize when you know you're not wrong?
Since you used the word arguments and not the word discussions... I will say that I try to apologize for my part in making it an argument. Was I trying to 'win' or I was not listening and only waiting for a chance to give "my side"? Was I trying to look smarter or superior in my opinion? Usually, I have a part in the discussion becoming an arguments and I will apologize for that.

Attraction - Do you deny that someone or something else caught your eye for a just moment when asked?
I have denied it in the past--guilty as charged. But as a Femme, I am not given eye candy very often (there are not enough Butches in this world!!!) so I think I should be given a pass. :)

Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest?
I am honest. But it is easy to say that because I haven't had a whole lot of sexual partners (I am a serial monogamist--dagnabbit) and they have all been sexually compatible with me and we could talk about sex. The last person I had sex with was really wonderful and seemed to know my body so well. We didn't end up in a relationship (maybe I am getting away from serial monogamy afterall) but I still think I could have told them if I wasn't satisfied.

Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it?
If I have just started dating someone, I probably wouldn't say anything. But if it is my partner, I'd say something because I'd assume they'd want to know. Please, please, please, always tell me if I stink! I can fix that!!

Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it?
Oh... such a hard one. I really want to say that I would be honest. But most likely I would grin and bear it for as long as possible if it was a really good friend. Friends are so important. Maybe being so far away from most of my friends, influences this answer.

Again, I am answering these questions as a single person. I'm looking forward to reading more responses. The times I find it hardest to be honest is when I hate a shirt they are wearing and they love it. I just can't bring myself to tell them the truth.

After an argument, we both apologize. Usually, one of us apologizes "more," but arguments never start in a vacuum. We both take responsibility for our part.

As to fleeting attractions, I don't really care enough to ask. I'm pretty sure he'd be honest, as I would to him, but its insignificant.

I don't fake. I'm too selfish.

I wouldn't live with chronic breath or body odor. I'd say something if it was constant.

I'd be honest about my feeling about his friends (we haven't had this issue), but try to be understanding.

As far as total and complete honesty at all times, in all situations, no matter what is a bit tiresome. I don't need to be told every morning I have morning breath. Its assumed I'll brush my teeth. If my favorite dress is a bit tight this month, I'd rather he didn't point it out. However, if my new dress makes me look like a Victorian lampshade, I'd want to know that.

In general, I think the key word is blunt vs. honest. Some couples can handle a lot of blunt, some couples can handle a little blunt. I think honesty is always good, but honest and tack is better. But I have a dear friend who thrives in her relationship because he tells it to her straight, no sugar. The objective is to find that right balance.

Or just people, whether they be highly sensitive or medium sensitive.:)

Other random thoughts about the topic:
There can be a thin line between blunt and rude. A case could be made that forms of emotional abuse begin with brutally cruel "honesty." However the honesty is applied, it should always be respectful.

I love this thread; it's a great topic.

I am blunt at times also, without realizing so until it's too late. I also am a 'fixer' by nature and want to address things before they fester. My partner thinks this is overrated and unnecessary. Her favorite response is, "If it's not broken, it doesn't need fixing." :blink:

• Arguments - Do you aplogize when you know you're not wrong? I always apologize for my part in the argument, whatever that may be, even if I am right about the argument topic. It takes 2 to argue. I love being right. But, I love learning more. I don't apologize for repeatedly bringing up a topic that we eventually argue over if it's something important to me or to the relationship.
  
  
• Attraction - Do you deny that someone or something else caught your eye for a just moment when asked? I don't deny it when I was momentarily paying attention to something else at the expense of ignoring her. I do not even consider others in a romantic way, so that's not an issue for me. If someone catches her eye, I don't want to know.
  
  
• Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest? I don't fake it. If something was not okay to me or not as thrilling for me, I will at a later time bring up the topic to discuss. I don't fake orgasms or fake being turned on or tuned in.
  
  
• Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it? Everyone has morning breath or not so fresh breath after eating some things (garlic, etc.). I don't share my distaste for that. We are human. Body odor is hard to ignore for me. But, I don't seem to have that issue with my partner. In past relationships, I never said anything either, but it was not chronic.
  
  
• Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it? I respect my partner's choice in friends, even if I would not choose them for myself. I would never mention my dislike of her friend unless it was a matter of her getting hurt or something unethical happening. But, I can't imagine this would ever be the case.

I would say she is more honest in that she says pretty much what she thinks uncensored. :twitch: I censor what I say to deliver it as best I can. I am not always successful at that, especially if I have not had time to think on it before I say something. I think total and unabashed honesty is unnecessary and harmful to a positive relationship. There is a grey area or middle ground where you address what is important and accept those things not so important, as blush mentioned. It's determining where issues lie on that spectrum that is so difficult, for me.

:clover:

I would not apologize when I know I'm right, but there have been times when I knew I was right and I was actually wrong. I think we all have had that experience. With that in mind I think it's important to focus on word choices and empathy for the person you care about even when you're in the midst of an argument.

It's not likely that anyone else would catch my eye, but if that happened I think I would be honest. I personally don't like it when someone tries to deny what is perfectly obvious. It's insulting on so many levels. It's better to be honest about that sort of thing.

Sexual satisfaction is something everyone should be honest about with their partner. My idea of honesty is not saying whatever mean comment pops into your head. If you care about someone you ask how they feel and tell them how you think things could be better. Yes, it's good to be honest but not mean.

Breath and body odor is an interesting subject. I suppose you could tell them how you love it when they smell fresh and clean from the shower and you could consistently bring up the subject of hygiene but apply it to yourself until they get the point. That would be a really tough situation.

I would probably say so right away if I didn't like a friend. There would have to be a valid reason is and I would focus on that reason and be honest that 'no I don't like your friend who ignores me and flirts with you.' That's the way I am. I don't claim to be the most mature person in the world, but we all have our limits, strengths and weaknesses.

I too like the idea of this thread and it actually addresses some things that have baffled me as well. I am not diagnosed with Aspergers but I have at times gotten lost in the ways of relating to other humans.

I am a confusing to myself because many times people have told me how sensitive I am and how they feel so comfortable telling me things, or they appreciate how I can read into them and know just what to say.

And yet, other times, I am accused of being totaly insensitive, of not honing in on what someone wants from a conversation/discussion and sliding right over an obvious declaration (verbal or non verbal) of need.

I know both are true. But why is it I can be so sleuthy in regard to one person or discussion and so thick in regard to another?

so I HAVE been pondering this and this is what I know to be true of me:

I can be soft in my approach. The softness usually comes into play when I am in need to protect the other person. But soft doesnt mean hesitant. I am still blunt, just softer about it. It was one of my best styles of communication with my clients as a therapist. I could get the message across, but with a embrace of safety and acceptance from me as well.

However, I havent been a therapist in a long time.

I spend alot of my time angry. Most of it has to do with being hurt. I am working on this and it has gotten much better. I have found that I can be pretty blunt when something about someone provokes this ember of anger within me.

so thats one way I am blunt and I am aware of this.

but there are other times when I get called on the carpet for being insensitive, too blunt, and I am just dumbfounded. I "thought" I was sensitive. Or at least aware and in tune to the person, not laying in on him or her, but relaying my message. And in these cases, I am so lost, I cant even tell you what I am doing, in order for me to explain what has happened. I dont know what has happened! Its only afterwards, when I am told, that I become aware of this insensitivity. In fact, often, I cant even see it after I am told it!

I would like to know if anyone else experiences this. Sometimes, I feel like Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory, as he tries to figure out if someone is joking or serious. Sarcastic or not. A joke or just a statement.

so now that I said all that, I want to answer your questions too:

Arguments - Do you aplogize when you know you're not wrong?
yes. When I cant see when I have been insensitive, and am told I have been, I do apologize. Just because I cant understand why they feel that way, THEY FEEL THAT WAY. and that was not my intent. I do not engage with people to make them feel bad, usually. (sometimes I do want them to feel bad. Call me a bitch. But its an honesty. Piss me off and you will see this side of me. Hurt someone I love and you will see this side of me) So, if I have indeed made someone upset when it wasnt my intent, yes I will apologize. For that. But not for what I needed to say. I will acknowledge I could have said it a different way. And then ask them to help me figure out a way so I can try to do that if there is a next time with them.

Attraction - Do you deny that someone or something else caught your eye for a just moment when asked?
tough one. Some of it depends on the other person, how uncomfortable or insecure they are. This is not a deal breaker for me in regard to relationships. I know too well, the wounded soul. Sometimes people arrive in relationships still hurting from past shit others have done to them and made them insecure and damaged. So if they cant tolerate me appreciating something attractive in another person, I can remain silent about it. However, if they continually accuse me of looking at someone else (which i dont do) then it becomes an issue that could be a deal breaker. I can be sensitive about their insecurity but I wont be constantly accused of being technically unfaithful to them. Thats a bigger hole than I want to try to climb out of...

Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest?


Both. yes, Both. I do not always orgasm. I still enjoy the physical intimacy of sex and can be extremely aroused...but I do not orgasm regularly. It has very little to do with the skill of the other person. (well....maybe...some...) It has to do with my mechanics. (private knowledge and not for public. However, its a physical thing, not a mental one) I am FINE with it. I am up front about it. But oh god, it becomes a challenge with some people. They have to fix me. They have to be the ONE to make me cum. I can be as honest as Abraham, but if I dont fake it sometimes, the other person ends up feeling like shit. I have ended relationships because the other person needed me to cum more than I needed myself to cum. I dont want to have to lie in a relationship. So I end it eventually if the other person cant deal. Thankfully chrissy is just fine about it. While he wishes I could cum all the time (so do I, for that fact), he knows it just aint gonna happen so we relax and have our fun without the pressure. Thank god.

Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it?
I absolutely say something. And this is one area where people tell me they appreciate my honesty. In fact, in trade school I was elected by my class to be the person to pull someone aside and tell them they had a body or breath odor or their uniform wasnt clean or that their own hair needed more attention. (I was in cosmetology class)

Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it?
sometimes when people get into relationships, their friends arent always happy about it. Suddenly their friend isnt always available to hang out with them as often. Or the dynamic changes when a new person is added to a mix of people who have been friends for years. I had horrible experiences with two past relationships where friends were possessive about the person I was involved with and blatantly worked to break us up. Obviously it worked. LOL. THEY had no problem telling my partners they didnt like me or the relationship. Why wouldnt I say I didnt like them either? In fact, the more dysfunctional they got about me, the worse I became about them. Sad, but true, I actually fell into the whole dysfunctional dynamic.

When I met chrissy, I realized right off the bat, I did not like his best friend. Unlike the past experiences, when I told chrissy this, he didnt try to change my mind or defend his friend, or accuse me of being judgemental. All he said was "oh well". He doesnt need me to adore his friend. I honor and respect their relationship and have grown to even find things I like about his friend. But chrissy didnt need my approval. And I didnt expect him to banish his friend from our life. His simple and mature acceptance of my feelings kept it from blowing out of proportion.

Now, do I white lie? Of course I do. Everyone does. However, if I have to do it alot in a relationship, something isnt working right. Some balance of power is askew. I cant even come up with a good example of a white lie with chrissy. That is indicative of how few times I resort to this. White lies should be in the parameter of harmless. If they are in the danger zone of harmful, they arent white lies. They are building blocks for a fort of deception.

I will tell you that chrissy is appreciatively blunt with everyone and everything. And not stupidly so. He has a measurement of honesty in everything he says. And intelligence. The man is super smart and credible in his assessments of people and life. I trust in his words. He calls me on my shit all the time. and not in a derogatory manner. As my submissive, he is very humble regarding his service to me. It would be an afront to him, to lie to me about myself. When he addresses me in regard to honesty, it is with reverence. Yet, he pulls no punches. He has an incredible way of worshiping me, with candor. He will not lie to me to save me from feeling hurt. I HATE when people do that. It is one of the top ten sins someone can do to to me. (I can still remember one of my exes telling me she didnt tell me she was unhappy in our relationship because she didnt want to hurt me...but she cheated on me and left me for the other woman. Guess I got hurt anyways, right? She lied to me to spare my feelings then hurt me worse than telling me the truth would have hurt me.) When chrissy tells me something, I am told it with love. Regardless of what it is, its always the truth. And I trust in that. Others might not be able to handle his level of truth. Its one of the main reasons I could fall in love with him.

If someone says "be honest" and "I can take it" then they must also be prepared to hear it. Folks have said this to me and then walked away absolutely furious with me the minute I opened my mouth.

There are times when I will refrain from honesty if I think it will cause more problems than it will solve. I've also been chastised for this. It's been a bit of a catch 22 in my life at times.

Sometimes, even in the best attempt to be sensitive and compassionate, things are preordained to not go well. I can't control someone's reaction nor am I responsible for it. One approach may work well for some and not others. I won't always be able to determine this in the moment. Some folks we know better than others. Sometimes people have bad days. There are so many things (not necessarily related to the situation at hand) that can influence how honesty is received that it is incumbent on both parties to navigate and negotiate timing in discussing and any hurt feelings that go along with honesty.

My overall philosophy regarding relationships of any kind is rooted in absolute trust. If you and your partner have established a safe environment for discussing sensitive issues than these issues become harmless or are ones which can easily be discussed and resolved.

Just my two cents...

Scoobs

•Arguments - Do you aplogize when you know you're not wrong? I will never apologize for being right, but I might apologize for blowing up or becoming irrational---I have BPD so my reactions can be overblown if caught off-guard.
•Attraction - Do you deny that someone or something else caught your eye for a just moment when asked? Neither one of us are a-sexual, we are gonna see other people and notice.
•Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest? Always honest, why bother otherwise?
•Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it? Say something in private.
•Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it? Unless that person was doing something harmful to either one of us, I would probably grin and bear it. To each is own....

About honesty...I said above I have BPD, and if she is not honest with me then I begin to see my perceptions as being real, which if unchecked can create a whole bunch of other problems.

• Arguments - Do you aplogize when you know you're not wrong?
  I would apologize for the arguement, but i would never apologize for something that is right.
• Attraction - Do you deny that someone or something else caught your eye for a just moment when asked?I know people say it is human nature to look, but when i am with someone I only have eyes for them, i cant see myself looking at another person in any romantic way
• Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest?I would never fake, you cant fix a problem by pretending it isnt there or covering for someone.
• Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it? There are usually simple solutions for this so i would tell the person very gently what the issue is.
• Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it?If i don't like a person, usually there is something they have said or done that has brought their character down. I would not allow the person I am with to be used or mistreated, so I most certainly would say something if this was occuring.

Some things, although they are truth, hurt to hear. I guess the trick is to say the truth as gently as possible, and of course even the gentlest words hurt then its a sensitive subject.

Sometimes those little white lies can build on top of each other and create a giant thorn.

I think it's important for people to qualify "I can take it" with "but I reserve the right to be pissed". At least that how I do it. You can tell me whatever you want, it probably won't get under my skin, if it does it's on me not the person being honest. Chances are if it pisses me of there is some self reflection I'm about to do.

Arguments - Do you apologize when you know you're not wrong?
Yeah no, I have communication skills and I employ them liberally. Seems to stave off this kind of avoidance tactic.

Attraction - Do you deny that someone or something else caught your eye for a just moment when asked? Why would I? Chances are if I think someone is hot or sexy etc. whoever I'm with will too. It's the joy of being and being with a pervert.

Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest?Life is too short to fake anything especially sex. It should be glorious! If it's not I'm out.

Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it? Not saying something doesn't do anyone any favors.

Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it? Given that my fiance knows me pretty well if I didn't say anything the lie would be so obvious I may as well have. If I don't like someone there is a good reason.

Honesty is the best policy and while it causes the occasional bump in the road it's far more problematic to for me when people play along, pretend or avoid conflict. I realize I'm in the minority on this one, I'm good with it.

Wow! These are all such great responses. I think, in my own personal experience, I have dated very sensitive people who get offended quite easily. On the other hand, I am one of these same people. Because of my own communication issues and social confusion, I've very often gotten into arguments where it felt as though I was dropped off a cliff and straight into the action. I don't even know how they started or what I did to provoke it! Such is the pitfalls of again, being in relationships with those who are quick to be hurt and/or flare in anger.

I think, as others have said, it truly does depend on the partnership. Some people thrive on bluntness while others are more tactful or may even choose to avoid conflict. I think the key is finding someone whose communication style meshes well with yours. A very sensitive soul is probably not going to do well being in a relationship with somebody who is quick and blunt in their observations. On the other hand, there are other people out there who actually need to be hit over the head with a brick. Definitely to each their own.

These responses have also helped me to see that have never enjoyed healthy, respectful communication in a romantic relationship. Sad, but good to know that this is a possibility in the future. Since my last relationship, which was quite verbally abusive, I've set my expectations a lot higher as I have a greater respect for myself.

Great conversation!

:)

Interesting topic. My responses:

Arguments - Do you apologize when you know you're not wrong?

Whether or not I apologize for something is situational:

I will not apologize for who I am, even though I might agree that my trait which is being criticized is a 'fault'.

I will apologize for my actions if those actions (regardless of whether I think they were right or wrong) hurt my partner.

If the argument deals with a difference in non-critical preferences or choices, I am likely to apologize. I have found that the satisfaction of 'being right' in minor disputes is rarely worth the wounds inflicted on a relationship.

In general, I will apologize for arguing at all - keeping the relationship intact is more important that 'saving face'.

Attraction - Do you deny that someone else caught your eye for a just moment when asked?

To me, it is disrespectful to my partner to let someone else "catch my eye". To prevent this from happening, I flip a switch in my brain so that I do not really 'see' other women who I encounter in person.

This 'switch' isn't operative when viewing women in the media, since my partner couldn't/shouldn't be threatened. In this case, I would not volunteer that I found someone attractive. I would admit it if asked, but I would certainly downplay the attraction.

Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest?

I try to be honest, yet at the same time, sensitive to my partner's ego. If I make any comments at all, I try to provide positive guidance (e.g., "You know, something I really like is ...")

Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it?

I will say something if the odor really bothers me, but I would be try to be sensitive (i.e., criticize the odor, not my partner).

Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it?

If the friend tends to spend a lot of time with us, I would tell my partner. I would try to be as non-critical as possible and simply say something like "I just don't click with ...", or "I feel uncomfortable with...". That would allow my partner to still associate with her friend, and hopefully allow me to opt out of spending time with her friend.

Great reply. Love the "Sex is Like Cooking" piece.

Arguments - Do you aplogize when you know you're not wrong?
I'm one of those folks that apologizes all the time for anything and everything, whether I'm wrong or right, or whether or not it's even something that *I* should be apologizing for...i.e. "Awww you're grouchy today? I'm sorry." However...in an actual argument? I don't like arguing and my response method is to automatically go on the defensive. I will apologize genuinely but if it is ignored or the same thing brought up repeatedly I will not apologize again. Depending on how far blown the argument is, I won't apologize, come hell or high water, no matter if I'm right or wrong. I'm hella stubborn that way.

Attraction - Do you deny that someone or something else caught your eye for a just moment when asked?
Pffffffft. What's the point in that? I'm easily distracted. *Ooh shiny!* If I see an attractive person, butch or femme, I will even point them out and ask if the person accompanying me also finds them attractive.

Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest?
I have been known to fake things in the past, just to keep from hurting someone's feelings. Nowadays, I will not fake but instead will *gently* guide them. If they don't take a hint I will talk with them about it afterwards, in open discussion. If they still don't get it (or make no effort)...then they will not have another chance at it.

Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it?
Yes I will say something, even if it's subtly offering them a mint or something. I would hope someone would do the same for me, as well as pointing out if my skirt is tucked into my tights!! lol

Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it?
I have zero problem telling people what I think of them, their friends, or anyone else for that matter. Does that mean I would act rudely? No. I am polite to a fault, unless someone is rude to me. THEN politeness will not come so easily for me. If that is the case, I will not put myself in a situation to be around that person again.



I honestly don't think *sensitive* has anything to do with how a person is affected by honesty or the lack thereof. I am not a sensitive person by any means, yet there are times when I am affected in a sensitive manner by either lies or brutal honesty. It is all situational.

I also agree that negatives and positives must be balanced. I tend to be overly positive in my dealings with others yet overly negative in my views of myself. I need to find a way to balance that out. For myself relationship-wise, I am the type of person that too much negative actions/behaviors by the other person will put me off...completely. Also if they are negative in their dealings with me. I'm a Leo. I need a certain amount of positive attention and ego stroking myself, or things will not go so well lol. I prefer honesty in how people deal with me though, yet at times I almost prefer not knowing anything at all. Sometimes I would like to live in blissful ignorance. Once again, all situational. *shrug*

If I was totally honest all the time, then, irrespective of how sensitive I deliver the message, I'd very quickly get into trouble.


I wouldn't lie about big things or issues that are important to me (or to the other person) but, depending on the context etc, I will sometimes tell a white lie.


For example, if someone tells me that they've just got a new hairstyle, I'll likely tell them that it looks really nice - whether I think it does or not. It's just polite, inane conversation to me (I cannot do polite, inane conversation well as I don't like conversation for conversation's sake - I find it arduous) but, if i like or at least don't dislike the person, I'd likely tell them a white lie to avoid causing any offence.


Important or serious issues? I'll tell the truth - and, depending on the context, will be as blunt and upfront as is required to ensure that nothing gets lost in translation. When it's necessary, I deliver hard messages. I won't deliver it in a way that is deliberately framed to cause offence (unless I dislike the person) but, the potential of causing offence, isn't enough for me to stay silent or tell the person something that they want to hear if it's not the truth.

About the time it became a synonym for weak or hysterical. Rarely is the word sensitive used in a neutral way. Context is everything, and I'm sure we can cough up examples of it being a compliment. It is usually (especially on the context of this conversation), leveled at people to excuse bad behavior. As in: "you're too sensitive, all I said was you look like elephant riding a bike! C'mon! That's funny!"

It places the responsibility of being "too sensitive" on the offended. The responsibility is on the offender for being "too much of a tool."

Honesty is hard, sometimes awkward and many times embarrassing
but I give it and want it.

I have learned to say things like , I liked your hair better before :|

I have been reading everything I can get my hands on about
passive aggressive behaviour and how to not get sucked into it myself ,
with a few co workers.
What I have read is it is also a form of dishonesty.
If people cant be honest with themselves about how they are
feeling and why , they sure as hell ain't gonna be honest with you.
The only healthy option is to disengage and not get caught up in the crazy making.

I told myself , I was stinky today. Stress sweat is way stinkier :|
The people who tell me I've got grease on my face or my zipper
is down are all keepers. The people who let me walk around like
that all fucking day , not so much.
Boogers are a part of life too and I want to know about them if one should come a creepin ( sure as shit , you know they will , somehow , someway , someday)
I have one friend at work who asks me if any bats are coming out of his cave.
I don't like looking but he knows I wont lie and I like that.

I am sensitive. I think the good parts of me would not be there, if I was not.
I've had people keep the truth from me , deciding for me whether
I could handle it or not. If you want to insult me to the core , do this.
That is a form of codependency (control) and not welcomed in my world.
If you deserve the truth , so do I.

I could not be with someone who did not appreciate attractive people.
You have to have trust to do that comfortably.
Trust comes from honesty on every level , at least for me.
Never is there too much honesty but kindness in the delivery are huge to the outcome.

*laughs* You make a good point. I can only speak for myself but I use the word "sensitive" in this particular context, I mean someone who has a past history of being abused (in childhood particularly) and is therefore hard-wired to take what might be perceived as gentle criticisms or generic observations of behavior as an onslaught or attack.

I am in no way criticising anyone who falls into this category as I fall into it myself. I used to be an incredibly defensive person who reacted to a slight practically before it even occurred. It took me time to realize that not everybody on the planet was out to hurt me but it was I who had to do the hard work and make changes. Nobody else could have done that for me.

I just find, for me, I am not emotionally compatible with people who are that much like me in that respect. After seriously dating two people who were both sensitive and reactionary in this way, I discovered I need a different dynamic. Someone who is more calm and easy-going to balance out my anxious, fiery nature. Two anxious and easily-triggered people can have a difficult time staying together because even minor arguments or disagreements can quickly escalate into flashbacks to the past.

When in a relationship of this kind, it can get to the point where one or both parties are simply holding their breath and walking on eggshells all the time. Forget honesty, you don't even know if you can exhale. This is incredibly unhealthy.

Can anyone else relate?

Just to be clear, I wasn't calling out other posters who mentioned "sensitivity" in their posts. It's a tricky word, and we all come to it with different schema.

I can be passive aggressive, but not THAT passive aggressive. :praying:

Arguments - Do you aplogize when you know you're not wrong?

No. But I've learned to say things I mean, like "I'm sorry that you feel hurt."



Attraction - Do you deny that someone or something else caught your eye for a just moment when asked?

No. If someone asks, I respect their apparent judgement that they can handle the answer. And if they can't handle the answer, I would rather know, so I can better assess whether that is someone I want to be with in the long run.



Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest?

I would never, ever fake being satisfied. If there's a disconnect, how can it get better, without admitting it's there?



Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it?

I would gently say something like, "I really want to kiss you, but do you think you could brush your teeth?" I've learned though that when a person's kid smells really bad or has wretched breath, it's best to keep it to yourself.



Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it?

I don't do "grin and bear it" very well. If I don't like my partner's friend; I mean, he or she seems a decent sort, just not my cup of tea, I just don't hang out with them. I have my own friends and don't expect a partner's friends to be my friends or the other way around. Of course I am also flexible. If there is a special occasion, like if that friend has an important gathering my partner wants me to attend with her, of course I would do that.

Well, I'm usually considered "too honest" and I often seem to get into trouble for that... In the end, I start keeping too much to myself and that seems to be disliked too...

I'm having a very hard time with what ppl call "white lies", to me I don't see any reason why someone would lie about small things like someones hair-cut for example. If I look bad, I would like to know!

Of course, one doesn't have to be rude either and also just because sth is true doesn't mean you must say it out loud...

Arguments - Do you aplogize when you know you're not wrong?
Sometimes I might, since being right or wrong depends on one's point of view...

Attraction - Do you deny that someone or something else caught your eye for a just moment when asked?
I normally don't deny it, but it depends on the situation...


Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest?
I'm always honest about that.

Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it?
Since I have a very strong sense of smell I feel I would have to tell someone very close to me or else I couldn't live with the person... In other cases I try to endure until I can get away...

Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it?
I'm pretty sure I would, if I was expected to spend a lot of time with the friend. I can't see why that would be rude in any way. To me, it's like stating that I don't like my partners favorite ice cream, would that be rude? Even when together, we are two different persons and can't always like the same things, food or ppl...

BUT I have no problem to lie to protect myself and the ones I love. That's where my limit goes...

I wanted to add, I didn't learn how to tell a social lie till I was in my forties.

Now I do things like, if I don't have plans for Christmas, and someone at work I don't know well asks me what I'm doing, I say I'll be at a friend's house. Or if someone asks if I had a great weekend and I didn't, I'll say it was productive or restful or some bullshit like that.

I save the vulnerable side of myself for people I trust and love. And it took me a long time to learn that's okay, maybe because I was so terrified of my parents when I was growing up, and didn't develop judgment about when it's okay to lie.

So I guess I erred on the side of full disclosure at all times. And yes, telling the truth has also gotten me into trouble with people, trouble that was unnecessary in the long run.

Everyone lies. It's why people lie that's of more interest to me.

Don't like my feelings being protected. It's not to my benefit. But I understand why people do it. Always have to ask myself, do I make it hard to talk to me; do I create an environment that isn't conducive to communicating; how did it go last time someone had to tell me something hard? It's on me to be open to honesty or I might not be getting it. Why would someone beat their head against a wall if I'm not going to hear them?

I tell people if they have B.O. or whatever. I want to know so I'm backing up what I want with what I'm willing to do.

Attraction happens to everyone. Big deal. I talk about it only if it becomes a problem.

Sex is hard to comment on, for me. Had 1 serious gf before dating the woman who became my wife. She's been dead for 4 years and I'm not at that stage with the girl I'm dating right now. So, at 52 years old, I've only ever had sex with 2 women. When I was married we had a pretty honest approach to it and a couple of decades to get it right. Guess we figured that if we wanted it to be good we were going to have to figure out talk about it! Took us a few years to get to a place where our egos didn't need to show up for the conversation. Being determined to work things out doesn't mean you're going to be successful at the conversation. Being willing to keep at it might be the key. Sex is always hard to discuss for some people. You don't know what you're getting into until you have an experience with someone. It can't possibly be the same conversation or even the same KIND of conversation with any 2 people. You don't know what's going on for them or what history they have until you're in that space with them. You work out the obstacles or you don't. Guess it depends on how much you want someone to be part of your life. I like the "sex is like cooking" thought. Great way to describe it.

Arguing is the same personal ego conversation sex is, IMO. My wife and I used to hold hands while we argued. Definitely gives the argument a different energy when you have to sit close enough to touch one another. Had a disagreement with my girl yesterday and I reached out to hold her hand and she was shocked. She said "I always wished I could do this when I was in an argument with someone I love!" Everything I was annoyed about wasn't important after that because it was the first time she said she loved me. Important things fall into place and unimportant things fall by the wayside when you're holding on to one another. Arguing is usually about misunderstanding or ego. If it's not either of those things, and you differ from one another so much that you can't let go of your own POV long enough to see a way through or around or over an obstacle then maybe the issue isn't really what you're arguing about at the moment. Maybe it's bigger than that.

Great topic.

I think I would count that as protecting oneself... I don't see anything wrong with that... (not that my approval is necessary -just saying-)

This topic is one of my favorites. I hear from others, "I don't lie, cheat or steal. " and I say, "of course you do ". Admitting it is the first step towards open communication.

I am truthful about myself to the best of my ability. Yes I have blind spots. That doesn't make me a liar. We all have occasions when we lie.

Roomie : do we have any chips left?

Me: no they're all gone.

Roomie : you ate them all!

Me: no I didn't.

Roomie : you liar,you ate them all!

Me: look. I'm trying to avoid making you throw up. I opened the bag, and roaches were in the chips. Happy now? I tossed them.

She couldn't eat the rest of the evening.

Don't badger me to spill my guts if you can't deal. Keep your egocentric attitude under your hat. What choices I make regarding my life pertain only to me. Personally I couldn't care less what you would or wouldn't do if you were me. You aren't me. I'm not you either. Unless you walk ten miles in my place your commentary is moot.

Being blunt is rarely my MO. Few folks can handle it.

Just be honest with me, is the battle cry, followed by them attacking me for my"honest answers. "

There is no way to predict what version of "truth " someone is expecting from you. My experience has been that the "truth " is not what they are after.

They want assurance.

I think you're right and sometimes I choose to tell the truth whether someone wants to hear it or not—it feels validating to me, sometimes, to be seen clearly, and it's worth alienating someone, even someone I care deeply about.

I've also learned that it's okay to lie if it makes a situation less awkward with someone I'll never see again. Someone asked me out not long ago and I didn't want to go out with her. I didn't say, You're not my type, I just said, I'm not dating now, I'm taking a break. Why make someone feel bad? I assume others have done the same to me.