Trust and Technology
 

I've heard in some committed relationships, the understood and expected norm is shared email addresses, cell phone numbers, Facebook accounts, and passwords for everything. Oftentimes this isn't just for convenience but for the express purpose of checking up on each other and "keeping each other honest" in the relationship.

How do you feel about this behavior for the above-mentioned purpose? Is this the established rule in your committed relationship? Or do you believe this crosses certain personal boundaries? Or are you somewhere in between?

If I have to check up on my hypothetical partner and "keep her honest", I'd rather be single.

I can definitely see sharing cell phone numbers for keeping in touch, sure. If partner does FB, then I suppose we'd "friend" each other. But I don't share a lot of passwords (it's never come up with anyone), nor would I share financial info.

I couldn't agree more. It's a thing that always got me in my last relationship. My ex-partner seemed to think it was strange that I didn't check up on her. Like I didn't care or something but the woman she'd been in a relationship with prior to that apparently called/texted her constantly when they weren't together. I never thought giving someone their personal space when they were hanging out with friends could possibly be seen as a bad thing. :blink:

wow..if you need all of this..you probably have issues about a lot of other things too..............................i think a reboot may be necessary

that's a bit creepy IMHO

I am crazy annoyed by couples who have no separate identities. It's bad enough when one person always talks for the other - "Bill and I think..." Really? Is Bill mute? Why can't YOU just think something? But when "Steven&Darcy Smith" post a comment on my FB, I'd like to know if it was Steven or Darcy who said Obama was the antichrist.

If you don't trust your partner, don't move in with them. Don't fuse identities just to "keep each other honest".

In my experience, if someone has cheated on me (I am assuming that is what this crazy shared account thing is supposed to prevent?), I know it in the pit of my soul. They change in ways that make it obvious. I don't need to go searching for proof - my gut has never been wrong about that one. So, I'm not going to worry about anyone cheating on me until it actually happens, and I don't think having a shared account is going to make it any less likely to happen.

I can understand having a "family" or "joint" email account for shared issues - for example, if you're managing work on your house and want all emails to be shared and either party to take forward etc. Similar, in some respects, to having a joint bank account.


However, to actually share and give access to passwords for personal email accounts and other online profiles (facebook, this site etc). You've got to be joking. If a partner actually sought this from me and thought it was a reasonable request - well, the relationship would be over before I could say, "No chance".


Similarly, even if a partner was happy giving me her passwords etc, I wouldn't want to access her accounts. I value privacy and just as I often need privacy in my own life, I don't want to intrude on the privacy of others.


To me it's not only about trust. It's about what a relationship is and isn't. I'm all for relationships - but my sense of being in a relationship doesn't involve being, metaphorically speaking, a siamese twin.

My partner and I do have a shared mail account (for bills, finances, etc.) but also have personal email and/or social network accounts. Those we don't share, but it's not uncommon for one or both of us to leave our personal mail, etc. clients up.

Since we favor different browsers, my email and social network password is 'remembered'. I suppose she could check up on me, but I know she doesn't. On the flip side she keeps all of her passwords stored in a tool that I also use so I could always get to her passwords if I wanted.

Oddly, even though I"m pretty laisse faire about leaving apps up, etc. the idea of someone asking for or demanding my password bothers me.

I agree with folks. I see sharing information like this as feeding insecurities. It doesn't foster trust or honesty in a relationship at all. In my ever so humble opinion, there is just too much that can be misinterpreted. An email or post from an old friend may be seen as something it's not. There are always three sides to any story yours, theirs and the truth and the truth is something we'll never arrive at...

And as someone else mentioned...paying attention to your gut feelings about someone or something is important. If someone is dishonest they'll find 100 other ways to skirt the ole account/password sharing policy anyway.

Just my two cents...

Scoobs

I'm really relieved by these responses. I know a couple who went to just one joint email account and it really put a damper on our friendship because I didn't know one of them well enough to be as emotionally open. I knew whatever I said to one would be read by the other so I just stopped writing unless it was something generic. It's too bad but that's the way they do things and who am I to say it's "wrong", you know?

I think it sounds incredibly invasive, to be that merged with someone, that "watched." I would never get to that level of commitment with someone that needy of access to my every interaction with others.

And now I'll tell you what I really think!

AMEN!!! :)

Trust
 

Their trust issues were there before technology and giving them a password wont change that. Maybe a therapists number or a book might help.

I go through this exact same thing with my parents. One account, filtered by my controlling father. Guess who I can no longer talk to comfortably.

With a partner I can see a joint account for household or joint matters, rather like checking, but not personal issues. I wouldn't be with someone I could not trust or did not trust me. It's also about personal space for me. I may leave things open or laying around, but not for inspection, because I trust them not to go getting into stuff that does not pertain to them. In the same way, I don't care about their conversations with old college roommates or current friends, or whoever, none of my business.

No micro-managing in my home thanks.

It took me a second to get that but damn, that's a creepy image. lol! (Not that I haven't watched/and assisted a partner with bathing before but that was because we both wanted to not because I wanted to check to be sure she wasn't texting somebody behind the shower curtain.) lol!

The technology is secondary to that of the the primary issue of trust.

I would never expect to know my partner's passwords or read her email (nor do I want to)!

I still have never Googled anyone that I personally know- maybe a movie or singer star here or there.

I know many folks do or have done so and I hold no judgments about it other than for me: it feels wrong and very uncomfortable to contemplate doing that.

Everyone has a private life with private thoughts-even when partnered.

Trust is the be-all and end-all for me.

So is being my own person.

I started to respond to this the other day and changed my mind because I knew my view would be different from the majority. Well here it is anyway. I don't understand why it is that we are so careful about judging others when it comes to certain choices like, say, D/g or D/s lifestyles but when it comes to other relationship choices it's perfectly fine to point our fingers and call it creepy. To be sure, I would not share my personal passwords to social networking sites. Sharing other personal info I have done and might do in the future if the situation called for it. I just find the judgments to be really unnecessary. If 2 or 3 or 20 people agree to something and it works for them, it's not my place to say it's wrong. Conservatives go around calling everything different 'creepy.' There is nothing creepy in a consensual relationship imo. It only becomes creepy when somebody is being victimized.

If you have been cheated a few times I do understand the issues. I myself don't want any partner I have now or later to give me their personal information like that. First I feel that is kind of like looking in their wallet for phone numbers and it is wrong. It would be a problem with me and not with them. I believe in treating each relationship with new eyes and to trust first. If it gets where I feel I can't trust that person than it is time to take a good hard look at myself and why am I even in that relationship. Love without trust ruins any relationship in the end. Again this is just my point of view.

With online dating, I always always always google people. I don't google my friends or anything, but I always google someone before meeting in person, just as a precaution. The one time I didn't, I got my car stolen, and a lot worse could have happened if one of my friends hadn't taken the time to check someone out I was dating and run them off. Turns out this person had physically hurt one person and stolen tons of money from another. I was lucky to have a diligent, nosey friend, and now I never skip the googling step. I don't care if it's weird to someone, you have to take care of yourself when you don't know somebody!

Lol this is ridiculous...why are people not allowed to set the parameters of their own relationships without being called names? Think about this, there may be people who read this thread but decided to say nothing because they agree with password sharing but did not feel like dealing with personal attacks. Of course, everyone is entitled to voice their opinion, it just seems highly ironic that on THIS website some people are so eager to put others in a good or bad box simply because they think differently. What is it to me if someone else wants to share passwords or wear mismatched socks or eat cheerios for dinner? It means nothing to me. I may giggle at the things you do but I'm not going to try to tear you down for them. That's such BS. IMO it's mostly about showcasing and trying to tell the world something about how much cooler we are than other people.

My question is this: is everyone in this thread here to have an honest dialogue or is this the thread where we're supposed to bag on people who think differently? Because that in itself is a really 'creepy' form of control that I try to stay away from.

My feelings about this piggyback something I addressed in another thread and that is that I think we ought not only have a rich inner, privately held life, but should be encouraged to do so. Just in the way I feel each partner should have their own set of friends with whom they do things from time to time without the other. Call me nutty, but I like the idea of retaining a bit of mystery. If I'm feeling insecure, I'll address it. If you don't trust me I expect you tell me. I'm not concerned with your missives, and likely you won't care that occasionally I might visit Martha Stewart's site. No password exchange necessary; it's not going to happen and it's got not one iota to do with the idea that I might have anything to hide.

This seems to imply a higher moral or ethical code is assumed for people on "THIS" website.

As for "highly ironic" I am not seeing an opposition to any literal meaning.

Ironic.

I don't think they are talking about the consensual choice to give up control but insecurity and trust issues. There is a dynamic you want to dial into and if it means giving up your privacy then its a choice. Plain and simple.

I am not a jealous person. I AM a controlling person. But I have no real desire to check up on someone or invade their privacy. I wouldn't want the same. In fact the moment someone suggest it or questions my intention I'm history. I just can't deal with jealousy and insecurity.

I don't see much in the way of personal attacks on this thread. It does seem that the general consensus on the thread is that most people wouldn't want a personal relationship that included sharing of personal passwords and, by definition, sharing of a partner's personal communication with others.


I, for one, wouldn't be involved in that type of relationship. That said, my own parameters for relationships tend to be very different to most on this site - it's just the way it goes. My "right" isn't necessarily "right" for others - but, equally, their "right" is usually very wrong for me. We'll all adults and, if people want relationships with this type of dynamic of sharing passwords and the like, so be it.


It's not about "conservatives" or such like. It's simply the expression of personal opinions. Unless I'm very much mistaken, that tends to be a valuable component of this site.

im techno-impaired so no facebook or much of anything like that. dunno my gf's info although im sure she'd give it to me if i asked. think shared emails are kinda goin to an extreme. my gf does know my passwords to some stuff, such as my work website to check my schedule if she wants. i have no prob with that. i think to each their own. unfortunately we live in a world of shadiness and insecurity. everyones got a past that shapes those insecurities so if me givin my gf a password eases those concerns then im happy to do it. i think the line would be crossed in the cases where they really dont have any sorta trust. no separate anything. i dunno whats on my girl's fb acct. ive never even looked at it or wanted to. i dont think its strange as far as practical purposes. i think it becomes strange when its due to lack of trust.

Call me judgmental or anything you want but in a relationship where you have each others passwords and feel the need to be that emerged in each others privacy then I foresee huge problems down the road. Personally I don't know anyone that really does this and I'd question the longevity of the relationship.

I have submissive's who feel they need to offer this to me. It's just not something that interest me. If I can't trust them then I show them the door.

Absolutely! I have Googled people before a date, I have even Googled myself to see what pops up! What the hell, right? (Someone once told me that she checked the Facebook pages of job applicants before she interviews them! I won't do that.) And I will even admit that before getting very serious with someone, I did a half-assed background check. It came back sparkling clean, and I told her about it later. She thought it was great. This is not a trust issue--this is a safety issue. Unfortunately, the world we live in, combined with our own past experiences, have created these fears. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm extreme for checking or Googling someone. If I need to feel safe and comfortable about a situation, and there are too many unknown factors, then I do what's necessary. I don't do it every time. And I'm not judgmental or exclusive. If there is something that's a concern or a "red flag", then I'm cautious, thats all. If there is someone who is an escaped serial killer, then, well......probably not going on that date. :)

Ciaran, Really you haven't seen personal attacks? The OP implied that this password sharing is completely consensual. Calling people who think differently creepy micro-managers sounds pretty personal to me. I didn't take issue with your post and I wouldn't share my password either. That's not my point. It's more that before we go around saying 'ew' to how other people live we should think about the fact that most of the world is saying ew to us. It's a negative mindset. I think people should do whatever they want to do as long as everyone *involved* agrees...and yeah, opine away. It's easy enough to express opinions without putting people down.

Angeltoes


Genuinely, I haven't seen much in the way of personal attacks in this thread. Rather, there have been some critical posts regarding the practice of sharing online accounts and it's clear that most here don't intuitively perceive it as a positive attribute of a relationship.


Whether that's for reasons of trust or maintaining individuality in relationships, the reasons are valid - just as, I'm sure, someone who does share passwords and personal accounts can come on here and justify the practice - and they'd be welcome to. In fact, this type of thread can benefit from those whose positions are different from the majority view and they're prepared to articulate their minority position.


I don't think that terms such as "creepy" are, in themselves, problematic. Furthermore, at this stage, it all seems a bit hypothetical as (and I could be wrong as I have not re-read every post in detail) I don't think that anyone has come onto this site, advised that they engage in this activity and justified it from their perspective. If they did and there was to be a witch-hunt against them, I'd likely agree with you (even though, I, myself, view the practice as unhealthy).


I appreciate what you are saying about people should be able to do what they want if it's consensual. Within limits, I agree. That said, just because a practice may be consensual, doesn't necessarily mean it's healthy - although I appreciate that there's a subjective overlay to much of this.


Anyway, I've said enough on this topic. Bottom line is no one is getting my passwords and I don't want anyone's password either :)

Yeah, I'm done with this topic too. I'm on a plane to see my honey in Texas. It's time to relax.

Personally, I don't have anything to hide from my partner, so I'll leave my apps(email, facebook) open. I wouldn't care if she had access to my private info. There are a few people who would abuse or misuse personal information, however most people are decent.

I would never ask for my partners passwords. If she gave me her personal info I would never use it to snoop.

For the individuals that need their partners password, maybe they've been violated or abused in the past. Maybe they are suffering with their own scars.

I think Ciaran makes a valid point. This kind of accountability isn't going to be in a normal arrangement between two people in a relationship. Maybe if someone decides to use the word creepy, it's about the accountability issue, not necessarily delivering a judgement about the relationship.

Just speaking from personal experience let's just say that I've shared account information, cell phone access, and have it used in a way that was a betrayal of why I gave it to begin with. So, you see, if someone has said" I don''t think its cool", but not necessarily giving you personal information to validate their opinion, maybe you should be a little more generous and consider perhaps they have a reason to be very negative about an issue? I just think it's something you could consider.

The only thing I found creepy was someone had said something to the effect of watching someone bathe. It was a joke to imply stalkerish behavior. I found that scenario "creepy" in the context it was put in.

Yes, I did state that this password exchange would be consensual. I was curious to see if this was something a vast majority of people did or just a few people I knew or have heard of. To be a bit transparent, I, personally valuable my own personal space and don't like having my boundaries violated. I don't have a problem with leaving my computer open because, like another poster had said, I have nothing to hide but when I get questioned, it makes me crazy.

This, again, is a personal issue for me. I was questioned non-stop as a child because I have a developmental disorder that causes me to view and respond to the world in a different way and this caused chronic misunderstandings.

Because of this, I've developed an aversion to anything that could even be perceived as being spied on or questioned. I can almost over-share when it comes to offering information but I clamp up like a steel trap and stop breathing when somebody goes looking for it because it panics me. (Unfortunately, I've been told this also makes me look "guilty").

It did not help in the slightest that I was recently in a relationship with a very paranoid/suspicious person who questioned me on an almost daily basis. That and some other things I've encountered and read lately caused me to want to open this topic for discussion. I wanted to put it before a diverse and open-minded group of people to get honest answers.

If anything I wrote caused offense, I apologize. I genuinely wanted to start a dialogue and I think it's been a good one so far.

I think the thread has a timely question and one worth pondering! ty for bringing it up

Sharing each other's passwords and such has never been a consideration in any of my relationships. We are separate, independent people, not an enmeshed unit. For me, asking for my password(s), would be a red flag with someone new.

If you don't have trust in a relationship, why even be in it? I don't need your passwords, I don't need to share a facebook or email account with you. Are we a couple? Yes we are but we are also individuals with separate identitys.