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For those who self-injurer
This thread is for those who self injure by breaking bones, cutting, skin picking, burning, and so on.
Namaste, Andrew |
Thanx for starting this thread Andrew....Although not usually a very Busy thread, I think it is always a Vital one to have. The wonderful thing about BFP is its diverse inhabitants, and having places set aside just for healing. That being said....I am a cutter...I cut on my legs, shoulders, thighs, wrists, and most prevelantly on my left arm...When questioned by people about it growing up I often told people "when you cant hold any more pain or ugliness inside of you, the scars begin to manifest on your outsides... Why do I/did I cut? many reasons, and sometimes for no reason at all...As I am getting older I am starting to think part of it was control..having something that was all mine (my body) and being able to do ANYthing I wanted to it.... |
I have two friends of mine who cut. The anxiety they have inside just blows me away. I have never experienced something like what they do. They even have ritual boxes with fresh razor blades, and bandages. It never crossed my mind in a million years.
I have a sense of the pain they feel internally, and it is heartbreaking. I cannot promise safety - ppl turn on each other here at the drop of a dime. It happens on all sites. I am not one who runs this site, and have no authority in how it's run. I leave that up to Jack and Medusa. I am not computer savvy at all. I leave all of that up to Jack and Medusa. They are the bomb! |
a friend just told me that she cuts. I was like a deer caught in the headlights when she told me. At first (being honest) I wanted to scream at her....WHAT THE HELLLL. I did not though. I sat and listened to her. This scared me cause at first i thought it was a suicidal thing....now i know better. I want to help her but no idea what to do. I am open to her, i mean she can come to me with anything.Maybe listening is the best thing a friend can do....RAIN:rainsing:
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Listening is the best thing hands down.
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Hi everyone,
First of all, I would definately like to thank My friend Andrew for making this place for us to come and talk about our feelings and why some of us do the things that we do. It is also a good place for people who are friends of self-injurers to come in for support from people who have been there as well as those who love someone in this position. I come from both sides of the fence, caring about someone who self-injures as well as being (in My on right) a self-injurer as well. I don't cut or burn, but I do alot of skin picking as well as severe nail biting (often to the point of bleeding). Much of this comes as a way of not being able to express the anxiety that I am feeling on the inside, thus is comes out as an injury to Myself to say to people "hello, I'm hurting!". We can't always verbalize what we are feeling internally, and often it stems from many things (abuse, confinement, teasing/bullying, etc). Each of us has our own reasons for doing what we do, whatever kind of self-injuring that may be, and it affects all aspects of our lives. Speaking only for Myself, I suffer from severe panic/anxiety attacks and often I cannot for the life of Me talk to anyone about what I am feeling because I just have never really been able to properly verbalize Myself in words (unless its on paper). I've also gotten to the point where I will freeze up so bad inside if I have to share My feelings that internally it feels like I'm about to explode. When I get to feeling this way, which is much more often now than it used to be, I will get into a headspace where I can't think of anything else but showing what I am feeling inside on the outside. I'll pick at pimples until the bleed, chew on My nails or the skin around My fingers until they either bleed or are very raw and sore, and will even take small scratches on My breasts and tear at the scabs bad enough that they go from little specs to big circles that I can't help but play with. Its not something that I am proud of, and revealing this anywhere is a big step for Me ........ I feel comfortable enough with My friends here, moreso than 3/4 of My own family members, to reveal these secrets of Mine (hopefully to help others to understand this subject abit more) which just felt natural to Me. Andrew - Its true that when you have never experienced something like that and you find someone who has, it can completely blow someone's mind as to how a person can do something like this to themselves. Its not easy, believe Me its hell on wheels, but most times this is the only way that a person can tell someone that they are hurting when they can't verbalize those internal feelings. Rain - I can understand how you must have thought that your friend's self injuring may have been a suicidal thing, its not uncommon for self-harming to be viewed as a way to commit suicide. I never used to do alot of what I do, or atleast not to this extent, and never truly 100% understood it until I met someone very special to Me. He is in his late 30's and has been self-injuring since he was very young; he burns and cuts and before him I had never met anyone before that I truly knew self-injured. He has been through complete hell in his life and when he cannot talk to someone about how he is feeling, it manifests into a cut of a burn (thank goodness he hasn't burned in a long time though he still cuts). In his situation (only speaking for him), he has other things to deal with as well (schizophrenia/depression/bipolar) so it all wraps up into one with his self-harming. He has often gone to the ER with injuries due to self-harming, and the first thing he is always asked is if he feels suicidal (as if its somehow tied to self-harming). Its not that way at all, and he has personally told Me that honestly if he wanted to commit suicide, he could do it but do it properly and not just hurt himself ............ The absolute best thing that you can do for your friend is to be her friend, listen to her when she needs a shoulder to lean on and just be there for her as you always have been. I also would recommend going to the library or a bookstore to see if you can find books on the subject and read about it - educating yourself on the subject will also to help you to know how to better handle your friend's situation (especially if ever your there with her when it happens). I have read one book in particular that helped Me to much better understand what My friend was going through, plus a second one that he has in which I hope to borrow one time to read: 1) Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation by Steven Levenkron (can be found on amazon.com) - this is the one I've read and I **highly** recommend it 2) A Bright Red Scream: Self-Mutilation and The Language of Pain by Marilee Strong (also found on amazon.com) - this is the one I wanna borrow and read one day Other then that I think that this thread is fantastic for all of us, whether we injure or know someone who does, to come together and have a safe space to talk and bond over a very touchy subject. I'm glad we have this space, as its important for all of us to have a place to come and be able to open up without being scolded for speaking from the heart ........... I'm glad this thread was created, thank you again Andrew for making it :thumbsup: |
A lot of people hide in their pain. It is a fractured sense of one's soul. Some people take another's pain and find joy in that. Twisted, yes. My father did that with my family.
Just remember nobody is an island. |
My gf is a Dr. She also teachs abnormal psyc. I was able to talk to her about this. She was wonderful and said that i did do the right thing. I gotta say that this is hard for me, cause I am a "fixer"........ugh........RAIN :rainsing:
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There is a website, and psa's on TV that was started by Ron Howard and starring Glenn Close. It is about ending the negative stigma about those who have a mental illness. Bringchange2mind.org is it. Some may have already seen the psa's on TV already. I support anyone who will help anyone heal. If it's one person, 10 people, or a million. It is all about education. My hat is off to those who got the ball rolling on this. Go look it up for yourself. Tell me what you think.
Andrew |
I did it, I have the scars...
Then I found my Sir.... Never did it again....... |
The Lady Snow,
How did you stop? So many struggle with stopping. Thank you for sharing this part of youself here. Love, Andrew |
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I was young, he was my Sir, I was his, I had no choice.. Funny what a single tail can cure;) |
Thank you Andrew for making this thread. I used to be a cutter and i would cut my inner thigh because i figured no one would see it there. I would cut to be able to feel again. Lucky enough I have been taking meds for my bipolar type 1 which was causing my cutting in my opinion and I have cut in almost a year. Its not easy beacuse I still get the urge every now and then but its easier to not want to do it. So I wonder sometimes do you ever really get over it and is it like being an achololic once your one, you are always one? I know for some people its not easy to talk about their pain or their feelings of whats going on. I used to be one of those people that kept it all to myself and I am just starting to open up and be able to talk about how I feel to those that will listen. I am really glad this thread is here because maybe when someone gets that feeling of saddness or numbness in my case we can come here to those that understand and be able to tell them and maybe get some support to not cut or hurt ourselves
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The Lady Snow,
That was so well stated. I am so happy for you! SweetChrissy, I cannot guarantee anything. Just know that there are supportive souls here. Andrew |
Andrew anything is possible right?
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Yes.:footballpass:
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I've cut since i was about fourteen. Always when the anger and pain and frustration inside me got too much to cope with and i had to lash out somehow and it was easier to cut myself than hurt someone else. Last year i scared myself tho when a cut went way too deep and i ended up with stitches then a daily dressing change for weeks. My greatest help for the last few years has been having a partner who doesn't judge doesn't moan at me but is always there with dressings cream and love. And to be honest i went to the doctor in september to discuss the possibility of me having G.I.D. SInce then, now its all out in the open and hopefully something is going to happen, although I've been low and been angry I've managed to control the need to cut. If only I'd done something about this twenty years ago i could have saved myself a lot of scars
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Trichotillomania?
Is anyone a trichster or was a person who had trichotillomania?
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Thank you for starting this post. It's nice to know I'm not the only one on BFP dealing with this.
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I really am in the dark when it comes to this disease. The only way I find anything out is by our talks online here, looking up key words on the internet, and spending time with my friend.
She is in her 50's, and has a number of children. She was chem. dependent, and went thru therapy at a psychiatric hospital, and still is seeing a psychiatrist three times a week. Her husband, children, family & friends support her. It really has been a blessing for her. This cannot be done alone. I hope everyone is doing ok with the snow. Stay warm & dry! :anothersnowman: Andrew :cigar: |
When I am extremely stressed I pull my eyelashes out, and sometimes I hit myself in the head.
Yeay. |
I was good friends with a girl in high school who was a cutter... I wish there was something I could have done to help her. I felt helpless, she wouldn't talk about it much if hardly at all. I even went to the school counselor to ask for advise in how to understand it and maybe some how help her. I didn't know anything about it, I was so amazed that someone could do such a thing. I mean I came from a very small town. It was 27 yrs ago and I graduated with 38 people so it was a very small community that was very should I say closed minded or was it just because people just went along with other people. I see her now and I know she is thankful for me being there for her, I still wonder how she is doing with it all? I wonder if she is thinking if I will ever ask her about it? Is it something I should be asking about?
I pray for all that suffer from this!! |
"On my once smooth skin lies a map of pain and fear..." - so goes the opening line of an angsty poem I wrote many years ago.
I used to cut and have since healed the internal wounds that caused me to injure myself on the outside. I will always be a work in progress but I am proud of myself today and like who I see in the mirror. It IS possible to heal, grow, and change. The keys for me have always been to retain at least some small measure of hope, and to be willing to keep picking myself up again and again, however many times necessary. There ARE amazing rewards and it is worth the blood, sweat, and tears. There is an organization called 'To Write Love On Her Arms' that inspired a pic I posted in the gallery. See photo info. for a link to the site. |
As a young kid I use to pull out large chunks of my hair out. In retrospect, I understand I was seriously needing some kind of release, I was literally pulling my hair out from serious stress.
Its never been an issue as an adult. |
Since I'm in my tired-half-drunk-can't-fall-asleep mode I figured I'd spill it.. Been cutting for a little over 9 years, and recently discovered the burning aspect of SI.
I've been single for 4 1/2 years since the last person I dated was apalled when she saw me in a tank top. Both of my arms and most of my chest are covered in solid scar tissue and I have some nasty ones on both thighs. Sometimes I get so angry and/or hurt I just cant keep it inside anymore and I have to let it out somehow. Since my friends are all the type of people who believe you can make your liife all sunshine and rainbows just by thinking about it, I can't turn to them. I once called my closest friend to try to talk to her and she just laughed. I hate being around people because all the places I go, I'm the only one who's single. And sincce I'm not very good at making friends I tend to hang around the ones I do have. Besides, having 3 jobs is not conducive to an active social life. I cannot say no to people. I already had 2 jobs and I agreed to a 3rd because I felt like I owed it to my neighbor. He has been very kind and gone out of his way for me in the past, so I agreed to drive his wife to the Dr. every day. My other jobs the hours are flexible but I am not accomplishing as much as I was because I can't be there as long as I was before I had to take her. I'm terribly sorry. I've started rambling.. I think I'm gonna go look at the stars for a while and quit buggin ya'll. |
Jeep - Thanks Man!
Jeep, :waterski:
First, thanks for sharing your story with us. :artist: This place is safe. Second, you are very brave to do that. God bless you. :harley: Lastly, no worries about venting. It is a means of support here. Not a soul is going to belittle you. What you speak of so many are struggling with. We are here to support you as best we can. I know I will be praying for you. :praying: Namaste dear brother, Andrew :LGBTQFlag: |
Jeep... I understand the need to keep to yourself. I just lost a very dear friendship because of my cutting.
Just know that there are people out here that understand. |
Unfortunately, there are wolves among the sheep and lambs. My hat is off to each and every one of you. You are brave and have courage that goes beyond what most pleople, including myself here as well, can even imagine. You are good souls. :gimmehug:
Love, Andrew :coffee: :pipe: :scarytv: |
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Thanks Braedon! Even though I miss the friendship I know my "Truth" is just too much for some and that's OK. I love them just the same....from a distance!
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You have new friends here Lique, and we understand what your going through
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I am going to see my friend at my nieces shower next week (as long as it doesn't snow). It will be interesting to see how far along she has come with her disease. I have to say I am a bit nervous. I am not sure of what to say, but will try to make an effort.
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How crazy is it that until the past few months, I had no idea that pulling my eyelashes out or hitting myself in the head was bad.
When I was a kid, I used to shock myself on purpose and I do get that electric shock can be bad, but it actually never occurred to me that pulling out my eyelashes meant something....that slamming the phone into my head over and over might hurt me. Or that rocking and hitting my head on the wall over and over might mean I had something going on. I never told any of my therapists or psychiatrists until I started Brain Spotting Therapy maybe 3 months ago, now it seems more clear. Best to all of you! I wish for each of you friends who stand by you no matter what! I have to say that I am very very lucky in that regard. No, I have not told them all, but those who do know seem supportive and those who don't are aware that I have meltdowns and disappear from time to time. Those who do not understand, I don't hang with any more. |
Facing my Fears
I want to open up and share my experiences here. I know its hard enough to finally publically post myself in solidarity. I just want to stop being afraid of being shunned again.
The worst thing about being "caught" my freshman year was how everyone in school found out why I was hospitalized by a unimformed big mouthed teacher. My "suicide attempt" it was called was misunderstood back in 1990. I was a cutter. I self injured in a multitude of ways, including starvation (anorexia) It was difficult to treat me when they couldn't understand why I was telling them I wasn't attempting to die. Not that I wasn't inheriently suicidal too... It wasn't the treatment that I was most harmed by, they were helpful and got me started towards handling my ptsd and the basic groundwork. It was my peers, my community, the people who had once secretly shared similar feelings/experiences that seemed to avoid me publically in a group shunning. Them also in fear of "standing in solidarity" and being shunned themselves. I wasn't the only one who had pain and traumas and standing alone when my private pain was made public was even more painful. Just wanted to say I am standing with you guys and facing my fears. |
I saw my friend. She has been in rehab. for drug addiction. It is really ashame. It is like she goes from one extreme to another. Her arms were covered. And she wore a turtleneck top. I really was uptight, and wasn't sure of what to do or say. She was really good at talking, but it was just small talk. Her husband was a nice guy, but somewhat of a geek. He didn't seem to be much on the ball. I think she married him to just be married. |
16 years blown to hell... I let myself down and I feel like I let everyone else down... especially my daughter though she doesn't even know it. I told myself to try and distract myself til it passes.... and what I really did was try to escape dealing with it... shoving it all up on a shelf in my closet... causing it to all come crashing down on me. When I started zoning out and practically obsessing about how badly I wanted to find relief.... or focus... or to just feel something but numbness... I should have done more than stick a post in this thread thinking I was somehow going to be able to trudge through this time like I have done for 16 years. But there is just so much going on at once. It's a mistake to expect too much from myself... and I think having a supportive friend or councelor would have been better than trying to always handle these feelings secretly all alone. As if I am ashamed. Made me realize that the embarrassment can actually separate someone in need from finding or hanging onto the help that is available. It is priceless to find support online but I am now reminded that it is only useful as a supplement to real world support, councelors with a treatment plan etc... Don't be like me and try to trick yourself into procrastinating seeking real world professional support. I thought "how much worse could it get" and then I got an answer of reality slapping me in the face. And I wasn't prepared for it so I stumbled.
Be back to post some links... |
hiding scars
i hope it's ok to post this here.
i am a self harmer, i hit, bite, pick and cut myself, the main part of my body that suffers with the cutting is my right arm. i count myself lucky that my reason for cutting is mainly that i find bleeding very calming, even comforting so i don't really have the need to cause major damage and disposable razors don't seem capable or a lot anyway.. Due to this i have the most faint and well hidden scars of anyone i've met, which weirdly in some ways i find upsetting, anyway on to my main point.. The sun is shinning a lot lately and especially since chest surgery and the fact that you can only see my scars when looking for them i refuse to wear extra layers if i really don't have to.. The problem is my arm is browning, ok only a little, but my scars aren't, so my scars are getting more and more visible, what can i do now? i guess i feel the need to hide them because even i in the past have been guilty of seeing someone with obviously self induced scars and thought that having them visible is way of getting attention, i know this makes me a bad person, but i don't want others to see me and look at me the same way. i never hurt myself for attention, it's just a way to deal |
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