The Aging Community: What Are Your Plans?
 

I was having a conversation with my Pops the other day about nursing homes and care at home for my Pappy (who is in his nineties). It got me to thinking about the aging Butch/Femme/Trans community and what our plans might be for advanced age.

Like, do you see yourself living independently as long as you are able? But what then? Would you ever go into an assisted living home? Would you plan to live with relatives?

Do you have any fears around aging? Do you fear losing your partner and being alone?

Let's talk about getting older and how that will affect our living situation and lives!

Great thread idea Medusa! I am concerned about losing my independence. I see my mom (in her 70's) having issues with mobility and vision, but she has my father and me (and other relatives nearby) to help. I don't have a partner or children so I don't think that option will be available for me. Care facilities are very expensive in my area so I probably couldn't afford them. I had long term care insurance through my employers for 10+ years but now that I am self-employed, I am no longer covered. I should look into options...thanks for the reminder.

I feel you on the aging parents, Mel.

Having to help care for my Pops over the last year and half and go through his medical issues with him has been a huge eye-opener as far as how much help folks need when they age. Even my Pappy is blind and has to have full-time live-in care or he can't cook for himself or do most basic household chores.

And Corkey, that definitely is a scary prospect. Jack and I have had a lot of conversations about what happens if one of us passes away and it scares the shit out of me to not only think about being in this world without her but of just maintaining a life and household.

I watched my Pappy lose his ability to see gradually over a period of years and it started to really go downhill when he couldnt drive anymore. Driving is one of the important things to consider when you age, especially if you live way out in the country like we do.

I have more thoughts.

One reason I bought the condo I did was because if need be, I could move my bedroom downstairs where my son currently resides and still have a connected bathroom. The upstairs could be for guests. That could make this place suitable for the rest of my life, if my health holds.

My dad lived on his own until his very late 80's, and then went into assisted living. That way, he had some independence but could get all his meals in the dining room, trips into the community, and most importantly, his health care. That's what I want for myself. I don't want to burden my kids if possible.

I don't fear aging in itself, only aging and becoming an emotional or financial burden.

What a great topic, Medusa! Really makes one stop and think.

I will be 58 next month. (going on fourteen LOL!) Seriously, I will have to give it more thought before I post.

I'll be back.

I have given this a lot of thought since my Mom passed.

Like others have said, the thought of having to go on without Kasey makes me feel ill so this is a very emotional subject for me.

My health is sucky at best, and I'm pretty sure I'll be going first...BUT, Kasey is nearly 10 years older than i am so that's not a for sure thing. I want to live at home as long as i can, and i don't mind being a burden, as that (in my mind and family) is what you do for each other.

However, i did manage a large independent living facility for 16 years, and most of them are lovely and provide as much help and conpanionship as you need. So as an option if i outlive Kasey, that is what i would probably choose to do.

It is difficult to talk about "ageing" generally because circumstances vary so broadly but, in the extreme, for those with little or no family, no partner or none living, and few, if any, surviving close friends, the advancing isolation can be crushing; easily as debilitating as physical frailty.

Great tread.

With my own aging parents, they are still in the their home and the children are around to aid and help with all kinds of needs i.e medical appointments, home maintenance, groceries etc.

When I reflect upon my future with my friends the situation is not as bright. I have been gradually strategizing ways to secure as much as independent future I can. Looking at independent or small group health plans (as I am self-employed), low-rise/townhouse-condos etc.

I took care of my grannie and mom till both passed,it was something I didn't have a second thought about,now my son will take over my care when I get to the point it's needed.We talked about what if I need nurses care,well he said they can just come hear to see about you,no other option.I made sure he understood that elder care could be hard on body and soul and he said the same thing.As I get older I see how my grannie felt in lot's of ways,mom wen't out fighting till the end as I hope I can do...it just isn't easy no matter how it works out.

After my father's death I did extensive research into long term care insurance for my mother. She purchased a policy where either in-home care or assisted living will be covered for 6 years at a specific rate. On average, people die within 2-3 years of entering a facility, so she should be good. Being that she was able to purchase the policy with one lump sum, whatever she doesnt use gets passed to her heirs.

My goal is to purchase a long term care policy, as well.

I have no children. My partner TF, has a son, however, I think it is safest that we cover TF with a long term care policy, as well. If it works out that her son takes care of her (assuming I'm not), then he will reap the benefits of the unused long term care policy.

If TF is not in my life, I am pretty confident that my sister will make sure I am taken care of, even if for some reason she had to help financially. I am making the assumption that based on my medical history, plus my past/current lifestyle versus hers, I will become sick before she does.

Damn, this is a morbid thread! :deepthoughts:

For those interested in reading more about the issues facing Seniors in housing in the LGBTQ Community, have a look at the following link on Huffington post. It offers a fair number of articles, references to needs, studies, efforts being made:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tag/lgbt-seniors/

In some sense, the titles of the articles say it all. They refer to discrimination
( racial, homophobic), dire need, finances, and anything else you can think of that paints a gloomy picture outside of a few bright spots in a few larger urban centres.

But at least people are starting to seriously look at this issue.

Rene and I are planning to move out of the US upon my retirement, which may be as soon as two plus years. It is less expensive to live in the countries we are considering. Also, health care can be less and in many cases better.

We have an agreement with my daughter to help her now, while she is going to school, and she will care for us in our later years. I suspect she would be willing even if we weren't supporting her and the kids now, but I enjoy holding that over her head. :readfineprint:

In addition, she has blessed me with thirteen grandchildren (a bunch are adopted from two sibling groups) and the older ones have made an informed agreement to be there for us as well.

I worry more about having to live in Missouri, because that is where they are, than I worry about who will care for us when we need it.

I have been researching prepaid funeral policies and long-term care policies. We better not need either of these soon because I am practicing my procrastination skills about both.

I am curious which countries you are considering. My own experience is that many, if not most, European countries, Australia, New Zealand etc. will not accept older "unqualified" immigrants ( ie not meeting family or employment qualifications) if they feel it will strain their health care system. Are you referring to places like Mexico or Costa Rica?

This has been on my mind a lot as daisy faces a minor surgery this month. Neither of us are in the greatest health, her parents are elderly, mine are out of state...we are in a rural area that I'm pretty confident neither one of us is in love with, I think we only stay here because of the house and the cats and family. If those were not factors I am sure we would probably be out of Ohio altogether. However, eventually daisy is going to need a wheelchair ramp, and I know I won't be able to depend on her forever for transportation (I don't drive, myself) and as we age together our arthritis is just going to get worse, meaning we will need even more help keeping the house together. I do know if we are still together but not allowed to be together, that will destroy me.
And on that depressing note, one of the cats is meowing for attention and I suddenly need a cigarette. And probably sleep.
~SAB

I am dealing with one part of the equation now. My folks need to sell their house and get into assisted living. This is not an arbitrary decision on my part, they have come to this conclusion on their own.

I live a thousand miles away, there are no siblings or relatives to help. My relationship with them is strained at best. To say I am in high research mode is an understatement. Though he would rather die than ask for help, my father is the one with the physical problems, my mother the mental issues.

I am trying to figure out if I should do this in several long distance trips or bite the bullet and just move to their area for a year and get them settled. Writing this down is largely academic, I know what the right thing to do is and I am trying to figure out how to do this and not throw myself under the bus at the same time. I am in the middle of medical issues myself and would have to walk away from treatment if I leave my state.

I also know that there are a lot of lessons ahead and I welcome (will be dragged into) both the opportunity to learn, boots on the ground style, what exactly needs to be done and how to do it. Sort of a dress rehearsal of things to come for myself. I think a chunk of this will be to put in place options for myself at the same time I set them up for my folks.

I have no partner, siblings, or relatives. I have a number of friends locally, but they are at the level where when I am gone, that will fade. I have already begun the process of looking into various housing options and locations and am in that 1-5 year establish "what will be" phase. This just puts a push on it.

Loads of questions and soon I will learn some answers, I'm certain I cannot predict any of this, so.... A big "see what happens, steer when possible" is where I am this week.

:thinking:

Both parts of Mexico and Costa Rica are on the short list, as well as Ecuador and Venezuela, and probably some others. We have agreed to live 3-6 months in different countries before settling down long term. There is a big difference between visiting and living in a place.

My research shows that most countries have income requirements when you do not meet family or employment requirements.

I am single and without living relatives so here is the plan ...

Want to retire on about 5 acres in the country with 6+ dogs, as many cats and a backhoe so I can dig all I want when I want

I would have arrangements with 2 separate businesses and have to give both a call-in everyday ... the agreement would be if I don't call-in, they send help immediately to check on my pets, take each one to a pre-selected new forever home.

Then pull my carcass out of the pond. I probably fell off the backhoe, struck my head on a rock, rolled down the hill into the pond and drown.

Gosh, if it could only be that easy! :)

Oh ... and lots of chickens too. Chickens are soooo cool!

I think this is something that people need to consider well before hitting into one's 50s. Kinda like what you want done with yourself after you die.

Part of what I want to build and own now is where I want to retire and stay. My grandmother has lived on her own until she reached her early 80s. Then she decided to move into "assisted living". She still has her "own" apartment in the assisted living and gets around on her own (she drives still) but help is closer. With those genes, I expect to live into my 80s. And since most of my friends are online, I should be able to keep in touch via things like Skype (or whatever it will be at that point). I want to stay in my own home until I can no longer look after myself and am too much for K.

Personally I would rather stay independent as long as possible. Rather die at home then in a nursing home or assisted living place. Both are expensive and with nursing homes (at least in TN) they make you either sell your property to help pay for the care if social security doesn't cover it all. So you have nothing left to give to whomever you want to give it too. If you don't sell it at least 5 years before you go into the nursing home they will go after that money also if you have it in the bank. Then dole out an allowance for you.

Was told some really sad stories about nursing homes in the area I live in by people that actually live in them. Not to mention the smells you smell when you are in them. They are always short staffed and under paid. Around $1500.00 + a month.Assisted living you are looking at $3000.00 + a month.
So I will take my chances at home with my niece coming by and home healthcare help.

A lot of retired people are doing reverse mortgages so they can continue living at home. I own my place free and clear so that might be an option for me if my retirement isn't enough to take care of the bills etc.

Thankfully, this is something I don't have to worry about.

I will never grow old and I'm good with that.

My Mom and Dad did a reverse mortgage and a living trust well before it was needed to ensure their money supply and minimal death taxes. One of the requirements of a reverse mortgage is that your house must be in good condition, or be made to be in good condition, to qualify for the mortgage. What i mean is paint and repairs mostly, but they can also ask for new carpet etc... Most people do the repairs with the money they receive.

When my folks took out their RM, they had choices as to the type and payout structure. You do NOT pay interest on the money unless you have it disbursed to you. For instance, they took 40,000 out in a lump some, and if they needed more they had a new disbursement done; only the money released to them collected interest, the money in their "fund" did not. The money in their "fund" was available to them anytime with a couple of days notice.

When they passed, only the money they had taken (plus interest) was subtracted from the sale of the house, and the remainder ( nearly 200,000) was disbursed to their trust and then to us, INCOME TAX free! We were also allowed to take the loss on the house from the interest, on our tax returns at $3000 a year each, until it was gone. Which for me was 3-1/2 years!

The other option at the time, was to take a set monthly amount to supplement social security or other pensions. It is a good option for a lower value house, or someone not wanting to travel or buy large ticket items. I'm not certain a large disbursement is possible with this type of RM.

This is something I was just reviewing last night. The Medicaid Estate Recovery Program has been an option since 1965 at the inception of medicaid, and became a requirement for long term care over the age of 65 in 1993, but it has changed over the years and now with Obamamcare a lot of people are putting themselves in harms way without knowing it.

This happened to me this year, since they removed the asset restrictions to qualifications and depending on other circumstances you can end up with medicaid even if you don't want it. I had to do some pretty fancy footwork to get myself out of the system and into private insurance because suddenly I met a new benchmark.

In some states (it varies and changes frequently) this no longer applies to just long term care expenses, but can apply to any healthcare administered by medicaid.

An article at Factcheck.org sorts out some of the current confusion around this. << Linky

Anyone with heirs or partners and any chance of ever needing medicaid based assistance should be aware that this exists.

My spouse and I started making plans for our old age in our mid 40s. Both of us putting the max we could into savings/401K, etc.

Financially we're tied together and our wills (and other legal paperwork) are in order and in a fireproof safe (and with our attorney). All of our banking, insurance, etc data is also held in same said safe (along w/passports) We review all the documents annually.

I live in the SF bay area and wish to remain there. We were lucky and were able to buy a 4-plex during the real estate bust (big downpayment, but worth it). We live in one of the units, the rent on the other 3 pay the mortgage with a bit to spare for property taxes.

If rents stay even we're in very good stead for retiring and not having to worry about having a roof over our heads. The eventual goal is to have an intentional community living in our building. I'm still hitting my max on 401K and my we've recently purchased long term care insurance.

We also discussed senior living or what happens if one (or both) of us become infirm. We can move to a downstairs unit and could possibly afford to subsidize housing for a health care worker. We also have the option for reverse mortgage (if it's still available in let's say 20 years)

At worst we can sell the 4-plex and head to senior living.

Impressive planning! :thumbsup:

I saw something this morning that inspired hope.

I was reading the latest Kiplinger's this morning, specifically an article about CCRC's (Continuing Care Retirement Communities) and they mentioned that they used to be "on golf courses and mountaintops in the middle of nowhere" and that now they are expanding to attract niche or affinity groups and listed several more urban types. In that list they included "lesbian-gay-transgender populations".

I think it is a good sign that this is being mentioned in a mainstream publication right alongside other options. Inclusion seems to be coming to the retirement industry. Hey, at least they are acknowledging that we have checkbooks too. :)

Red and I have been planning our retirement for the last few years. We went 2 years ago and arranged pre-paid cremations with the travel plan added. We have our assets secured for each other should one of us pass away. We have a goal of moving to the east coast after Red retires in 5 yrs.

I use to worry about getting old then realized the worry was causing me to age.

We both hope to stay as independent as possible but both realize that there may come a day when it is impossible to care for the other.

I can't imagine my life without Red, so therefore I do my best to live life to the fullest while we have each other.

I don't think growing old has to be a downer. It's more like a reward to be given the chance to experience life at all the different stages.

Well as one of those retired folk allow me to say...its terrific!!!
I have reduced my expenses dramatically, simplified my lifestyle to such a degree that I will be able to live quite comfortably on my lil ol fixed income; and do the things that are important to me....
There are a few shockers tho, with and without children. My kids are adults and on their own...I do know the last thing they need is for me to become any type of burden on them. None of them would see it as a burden, but I would.

I figure I will just stay here till i forget to turn the stove off and burn my house down; but since I dont cook and use my stove as extra counter space I figure it shall be quite a while before I need to move to the old dykes home...which in my case will be the VA or some other likely cheap, free, crappy place.
My bigger concern is and continues to be that time between independence and nursing home that is more medical crap....i.e. ending up in a hospital and not able to talk or walk or communicate....and what could i do.
For me the answer is a very definitive living will that states unequivocally that under no circumstances is anyone to make a decision contraindicatory to the living will. I do not want my kids/one or all of them having to make decisions that bluntly are fodder for nightmares. So my living will is rather adamant about DNR and exactly what DNR means.

The Last will and testament is simple and straightforward...

The what to do with my remains is written and attached to the living will....and that is simple..take anything useable/recyclable,,,,whats left just send it to the body farm in Tennessee if they dont want it,,,toss it in the oven and shake and bake....and use it as fertilizer around some tree or just flush it.

I already have my tombstone designed, (its stolen from Six of One)
Dean Thoreau
lived yes
died yes
No hy'll really raise hell!

Well, this is interesting. I came back to this thread to post an article I ran across from The Atlantic: The Challenge of Being Transgender in a Nursing Home, and scanning it ran across my own old post.:blink:

A lot can happen in a year. I did move cross country in part to help them relocate (but from a safe distance). Before I really got settled myself my father had a massive stroke, lingered for two months in a nursing home and died.

I did, as I thought I would, learn a lot. Skilled nursing is a real concern, and even assisted living or retirement options, I hope I never need them. I've been seeing first hand how this whole thing works. My father failed physically and mother is having mental issues. Their home is on the market now, mother is in a campus style retirement community apartment, and my father never had to live in one.

The above article highlights what many of use whether trans, or some other part of lgbt community may have to deal with. I don't have all the answers yet but do have lawyers. With no family or partner it's up to me to sort this out, things like having a separate living will for assets so that I don't have to rely on some agency is key. There are so many more details to consider than I imagined. I'd rather do this informed than not though. I'm rambling because I'm not done yet and think it will take a while. :thinking:

What r my plans?

Having had to make some final decisions for the family members and living with the ...haunting of it, I really have no desire to subject my kids, grandkids, friends etc with those decisions so I have taken specific measures regarding those final plans no one wishes to talk about, but everyone needs to make.

Real simple did the Living Will thang, with lawyers and witnesses regarding my desires with a very strong statement that under NO circumstances is any person or entity to override the wishes as stated in my living will.
Oh my wishes are simple DNR...that means do not recessitate. nothing that prolongs life just weed, or some other "pain killer" to ease me into preparation for my next reincarnation.
After death, doctors can take anything they desire, then send me to the shake and bake..and mix the ashes with a few thousand dandelion seeds and toss em on some terribly perfect lawn.....
thankfully, my kids and grands have my outrageous sense of humor and wont have a problem doing the dandelion prank.

:canoworms:

As soon as my practice is up and running, i will be getting long term care insurance as well as critical illness insurance.
My body is going to be donated to a medical learning facility. So no costs.
I am going to be living in a one bedroom flat probably about 450-650 square feet, in a central area with lots of transport links as soon as I can buy one. So I won't have to leave that till I have to.
I'm also putting money into rrsps for home care for a couple years if need be but I don't want to be on my own, unable to get to community and make new friends. I work in outreaches in dementia homes and they are pretty great. Clean, your own little bachelor pad, nursing on staff, hair dressers, movie screen for movie nights, outings twice a week plus bowling and bingo. I like the idea of staying social in a large city.

I have no kids and no siblings and no partner. It's up to me to plan for me and I wanna make sure I care for myself.

I think a lot of us (myself included) have this pretty well thought out idea of what we want. The actual putting in place of things is a different story, I'm knee deep in guardianship law pertaining to my mother. (go ahead, try to find a guardian for an elder) Now that I have acquired her as pretty much a dependent who like me, has no other 'kin', the options for what happens to her if something happens to me are dismal. I also have to look at that as my own possible future.

Right now, I don't have an answer, the system is so overwhelmed as to be non-functional. When I started thinking about this I had no idea what to do, so I started reading. I'd like to recommend a very depressing but incredibly helpful book. It points out the pitfalls most gloss over.

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/...4,203,200_.jpg

A nuts and bolts look at what needs to happen to really make thing work. I read the first half of this in the nursing home, with all of my fathers perfectly crafted paperwork in hand, DNR, Directives, Statement letters...in a right-to-die-state, (where you cannot carry it out in any licensed facility) totally helpless to help him. A real life "All the king's horse's and all the kings men" situation.

I am bound and determined that this will not happen to either my mother, myself, or anyone else I care about in my life. One thing I know for sure, it's a whole lot more about people than money.

How's that for a happy little book recommendation. :)

I will say it till I'm blue in the face, we need to come together, share our homes, and stand by each other, if we are single and alone. I shared my home with 2 gay friends, and it worked beautifully. I had the space. We had each other's backs when the docs would ask if there was anyone to care for us at home. I manage a 5 bedroom vacation home, that will be for sale/rent, and would absolutely love, and am looking forward to, having a similar arrangement like that again.:rrose:

Sharing a home would be wonderful. Here in Los Angeles we actually do have a Senior Assisted Living facility that focuses on the Gay/Trans community. Took a long time to get funded and then it was informed it HAD to accept straight seniors also, couldn't discriminate. But it's still a wonderful focus.

http://gleh.vanguardnow.org/

If any other activists could get one going in their community, that would be such a blessing, such a mitzvah.

In the past being alone was always a worry, but I've learned you're only alone if you want to be; you always have options and it's up to you what you want and where you want to be. I intend to live my life on my own terms, which doesn't include nursing care if I am in my right mind. I'm fairly optimistic, each day is a gift.

I live in a building with four long term friends. One has cancer, and we banded together to help with cleaning of his apt, dinners and I massage him once a week for free. I'm having a minor proceedure next week and will be bed ridden for 3/4 days and was really nervous about it cause I can't ask anyone for help. I'm like that. I was *told* today that they would be popping in once a day when my flat mate was at work to just check in. And to text if I needed something from the store, or help to the loo on the first day.

We all have our own places, but all in the same building. Id love that until I died. Id love my mom to move into the building so I could easily look in on her or watch a film with her.

My dream is to win the lottery so I can by an apartment block of 15 apartments, merge two into a social dinner party /movie room and have communal gardening space out back. And in exchange for the dirt cheap rent (no profit, just cover the taxes, legal fees, upkeep costs), the promise is to donate x hours a week to the community of the building.

But then, I'm a die hard socialist ;) and love that kind of stuff.

Big fan of co-housing here too. Independent would be ideal, but there are also more organized communities as well. An option I will seriously consider for myself. As I have learned, it's much more about people than money. I think there is very much a place for individuals to step up and build these small coalitions.

I applaud your ambition!

Hey is anyone still around here? This is something I have to consider because my spouse is a lot older than me and in very poor health. When she is gone, I am all alone. I have no children and my only sibling lives in another state with her family.