The Psychology of Online Dating
 

The psychology of online dating
Face to face dating in general can be very positive, difficult, exciting, disappointing and at times energy consuming. Add online to the mix and you have a variety of factors to add to the list above. I speak here only from experience and opinion. I claim not, that I am an expert of any kind, I am only feeling my way through the experience just like everyone else.
Regardless of identity, most human beings experience dating at one time or another in their lives. There seems to be this interesting stigma (again I speak only from experience) when it comes to dating in the Butch/Femme world.
Again regardless of preferences within the dynamic of Butch/Femme… dating seems to be an “ugly” word. My approach to dating is simple, is to try to connect with people of like interest. If I find myself in a position where I simply lack capacity for investing time in a serious relationship I am very transparent and forth coming about it. When I feel completely open to the idea of a serious relationship, it starts with dating.
I have had the great pleasure of dating amazing women online and truly enjoyed the exchange that we had. I am sometimes baffled by the opinions that I hear of individuals like me. Dating someone is not a marriage certificate, it is simply dating. My approach to dating or choosing a partner has never come from a scarcity model. We all have a lot to offer, and one should simply never settle just because we think this is as good as it gets. The dating pool is a large pool, it’s not this desperate place where one feels that they have to attach to the first person that gives them attention.
I think the process of dating allows you to know the individual, and not just go on the initial infatuation. Deciding to end or continue dating is a big decision that requires a lot of care. Having to decide that an individual that you are dating is simply not going to work out is always difficult and disappointing. A lot of energy and time are spent while dating someone, emotions as well as intimacy have been shared. But to put it simply, regardless of the pain, the loss and the disappointment, isn’t this why we actually date people instead of marry them from hello?
Dating is an exchange, both individuals gain from the experience and if it does not work out, they both feel the loss.
I would love to have a dialogue with others on this topic, so what is your psychology on online dating?

We certainly do see lots of professions of love online and then a little while later some of the same people are professing their great love for someone else. However, I don't think that automatically means everyone is desperate or settling for the first person who comes along.

Everyone goes at their own pace and in their own way.

Some people can know each other for a very long time and barely scratch the surface of knowing each other, whereas other people can have very indepth conversations, correspondence and other means of communicating and connecting where they know each other quite well in a fairly short amount of time. Obviously the more time spent getting to know each other the better and especially in person. But it varies widely.

I think the quality of the connection and communication of getting to know someone is the most important, although time is definitely important too. As I like to say - the proof is in the pudding. I want my relationship to last for the rest of my life so the proof is when it does. I guess I won't know until I'm ready to go, lol.

With long distance relationships it can be very difficult to have significant amounts of in-person time together. A romantic week or weekend is a very nice dating experience but still will not ultimately tell you what day to day life will be like. It is nice when there is a situation when a couple can spend a significant amount of time in person together that lies somewhere in between a date and commitment of living together. This could of course come after some dates. But again it is going to depend on the people's situation. There is no one approach.

dee I agree but you have to be careful about where your glean your information because there is a lot of internet gossip and stuff you hear online about people that is totally untrue. I am definitely not saying you listen to gossip, just saying it can be misleading.

However, yes people often leave trails.

On the positive side, one of the ways I have gotten interested in femmes often is from reading and enjoying their posts. And having a shared history of online community like this one can definitely be a positive and informative thing.

SUBSCRIBED

Will come back to this one. Interesting! :)

Again... interesting!

I do not date online and/or at a distance.

Despite our best efforts... however good or careful we may think we are... there is no substitution for the level of communication ... or the level of intimacy... that comes from looking someone in the eye and/or seeing the expression on their face.

It was established long ago that human beings communicate primarily (read: best) through non-verbal cues. As well as I may think I'm able to communicate my thoughts, my feelings verbally it would be difficult to hold someone else accountable for their understanding of me if we are not (more often than not) face to face.

A quick Google...

Nonverbal Communication

Behavior and elements of speech aside from the words themselves that transmit meaning. Non-verbal communication includes pitch, speed, tone and volume of voice, gestures and facial expressions, body posture, stance, and proximity to the listener, eye movements and contact, and dress and appearance.

Research suggests that only 5 percent effect is produced by the spoken word, 45 percent by the tone, inflexion, and other elements of voice, and 50 percent by body language, movements, eye contact, etc.

I've no idea if those percentages are correct.... but the ratios are about right. The point being... probably 85% - 95% of what's needed to fully understand another human being requires us to be face-to face.



P.S. To be clear ... I will however flirt online... and/or ... at a distance! ;)

Excellent point and observation there. I agree, it's less likely desperation or settling that moves someone from one person to another in a short period of time. Dating online and/or at a long distance carries with it a level of anonymity which can be hugely comforting for some people.

Speaking in general...

Sure, you may have met a few times ... dated a few times... done some other things a few times (;)) ... BUT... the harsh and painful realities that exist when things go south are significantly less when the person doesn't live near you and you don't have to see them again. <--- this "out" if you will ....from the emotional pain ... or just the inconvenience of a breakup ... makes online/distance relationships ... for some individuals... disposable.

You darlin' are... BRILL! lol

I've never used FaceTime and/or Skype and more importantly... thus far... I've not felt a desire to learn. So, until such time as I feel otherwise... you may call me Benedick ;)

"I will not be sworn but love may transform me to an oyster, but I’ll take my oath on it, till he have made an oyster of me, he shall never make me such a fool. One woman is fair, yet I am well; another is wise, yet I am well; another virtuous, yet I am well; but till all graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come in my grace." Signior Benedick

Please don't misunderstand ... you or anyone else... I'm not criticizing anyone else's love adventure! :)

Online dating's not for me either. I broke up my previous marriage of 10 years due to the "siren" on the other end of the phone. Within 2 years, I regretted my decision and there was no way to reverse it.

Will flirt, maybe meet, but now I guard my heart with an iron padlock.

Told my Partner that I won't even "chat" except in a group. My choice...too tempting late at night and lonely.

I agree with this Lyte, and honestly it seems like most relationships don't last these days - whether they are local or online/LDR. Some are for good reasons I think. For example, my mother stayed with my father out of Christian duty and she was a housewife until I was a teenager. So in the past, I think a lot of people stayed together out of duty and it was what was expected and women didn't have as many opportunities available to them. But today it does seem that people are less willing to work out issues and stay together. Of course it is a fine line between staying together and being with someone who isn't a good match for you. And with a relationship that is mostly online it is definitely very easy to move on to something new.

I want a good match where the person is also willing to work out things with me when there are issues and not accuse me of a bunch of shit and not let me express myself. I don't think that's too much to ask, lol, and going well in that department currently.

A lot of people also just seem to want to flirt and text and play around online or on the phone - which is cool as long as both people are upfront with what they want. But if you are trying to seriously get to know someone and that isn't clear it can be rather disappointing.

p.s. yes dee wasn't accusing you of anything. The internet gossip is thick and yes there are also trails.

I have only dated at a distance once in the last 20 years. That was also "unplanned". We were able to stay chunks of time at each others' houses (two weeks at a time), so I do feel like I got a sense of the "day to day". It just so happened we came together at a time when both of us had things happening where we could have that amount of time together.

I have always had a rule about not dating long distance. I am not looking right now, so it isn't something I have to worry about. But, as Gemme indicated, with FaceTime and Skype, you can get a good sense of the person in their "day to day", unlike prior to these technologies. You can just carry the cell around on FaceTime as you go about your evening, or whatever. You are much more in each others' lives with FaceTime. That was always the issue/concern for me. That, and I wouldn't consider dating someone unless they had an interest in moving to my area.

I agree. My dating pool is not large. As my profile states I am a Dominant Stone Butch Daddy, so just finding someone who complements me on these fundamental aspects alone cuts my dating pool way way down down and that is just for starters.

Also, I live in a town of 600 people in a remote area where the closest cities of any size are 4 to 5 hours away.

However that doesn't mean I operate from a scarcity mindset. I have spent long stretches of my adult life single and always take plenty of time in between serious relationships - usually years. I also know from past experience that it is much better to be alone than to be in a bad relationship or one that is not right for me. I live alone and the closest person to me is a good friend who is 4 hours away. I am very self sufficient. So although my dating pool is small I'm fine with that and will only date or be in a relationship that is right for me.

When I have been single I consider real time and online dating perfectly equal and well worth the time and attention you decide to give it. If you meet someone interesting online I don't believe there is so much difference in what you may know....you either find the information you discover intriguing and have fun finding out more or you find you don't have much in common (your choice, with no worry)...Online may be more preferable because certain qualities you are looking for may be more easily understood...If you are a visual person-you may find it frustrating not to tangibly touch the person you are dating....so this medium would not be your cup of tea.

For me personally, I've always found online meeting ever so much more intriguing and interesting...Touching you tangibly would only excite me if you had already turned on my mind..I prefer to take my time and know well in advance if, when and where I want to go there...

I only dated someone long distance once. I have nothing negative to say about the experience.

It only lasted a short time but distance was only a part of it. No regrets.

I learned enough to know that a ldr is not for me but totally understand how it can work for others.

After that, I absolutely used an online dating site.

I only dated locally. (I will only date locally again).

My recent longer-term ex was 18 miles from me. I really loved it. I enjoyed the easy planning for dates, the spur-of-the-minute dates, "would you like to go to the beach for lunch today? I can pick you up in an hour". Oh yes!

For me, there is no real psychology in online dating other than: honesty and more honesty; being my real, true self with all of the good and bad; ensure that I write an accurate profile because anything not true will be pretty obvious darn quickly; be truthful, too; if there is no chemistry and you know fairly quickly that it is not going to develop.

I have written before that with my recent ex, I did not read her profile carefully enough. She clearly wrote all of the sports and activities she enjoyed but I first of all, was besotted by the handsome butchness of her picture and secondly, the very best behavior that she reflected when we began to date.

She had not written that she expected me to participate in her love of sports or I may have passed.

Who knows? We can always do Monday-morning quarterbacking after a relationship ends.

I should have done more in the beginning but did not. I spent just under 4 years with her and though I moved out last October; I still have not felt ready to date again yet. It takes me a long time to heal and to feel ready to open my heart again. That is just how I am.

By the time I am ready to date again, hopefully, I will have learned from it and will again avail myself of online dating from an identified online dating site.

Online dating sites are the only places that I have found, that I can sort out the butches from the femmes more easily. Speaking of that: I even put in my profile that I was attracted to butch lesbians and I still had femmes respond. Femmes will always be my best friends but I just do not feel attracted to women that look just like me.

Yin and yang, you know!

A final note: I am also struggling with how I would include that I now have physical health challenges that I did not have when I last dated. Do you include that in your profile? Do you tell someone on the first date? Do you wait until you have had a couple of dates? I am at a loss with this one.

Oh, I still assert that online/distance dating is extremely problematic and not a good idea. I'm familiar with FaceTime and Skype though I've not used them. As much as they may seem to provide insight they come no where close to the insight/intimacy gained from the physical presence of the person.

Another ... major issue... not yet mentioned is logistics. Two people feel they've hit it off and are perfect for one another! So... who's going to give up they're current life/location and move? Give up their home, if they own, give up their job, if they were working on a career there and give up friends... and family... if they still live in their home town. <-- that's a hell of a lot for one person to give up on a hell of a lot less insight/intimacy that comes from being in the person's presence. :blink:

Knight, It isn't clear to me what you mean by this. What experiences have you had that led you to feeling that dating is considered ugly?

I agree. There are so many logistics involved. I am someone who has a lot of flexibility in being able to move, since I am a freelance writer, have no children, etc. But when I have moved for someone and it hasn't worked out, not only is there serious heartache but I can't even begin to tell you how wrung out it has made me feel and stretched to the utmost limits, not to mention having to either relocate or stay in an area that I moved to be with someone. It is severely emotionally damaging. And most people do not have the flexibility that I do. They do have jobs in a fixed location, children and family where they live and a host of other issues.

Also, I do agree that Skype and Facetime and other mediums that we have these days are tremendously helpful in getting to know someone, but that there is still no substitute for real world living - when the bills have to be paid, meals prepared, when the dog gets sick, the refrigerator breaks, your partner's kids are acting up, etc.

And yet I am in an LDR now.

My own experiences dating someone I met online have been negative. I met two women that way and I doubt I'll try it again. it's easy for a person to present the best of themselves when they sit down to write or speak on the phone, (or Skype or FaceTime), and my usual tools to sniff out a liar or someone who is flat out nuts, for example, aren't deployable until I've already established a connection. At that point the connection, especially when there's already been sexy talk and deep conversation, easily overwhelms my voice of reason. I'm far better able to sense danger in person.

Both of the above failed relationships were with extraordinarily handsome and photogenic butch women who wrote well. Those qualities made them even more attractive online and further disabled my 'sniffer'. I like this community for many reasons. One of the biggest draws for me is that being a stonefemme here is an accepted and an acceptable identity. I'm pretty isolated outside of this little bubble. Even though it would save me plenty of time as well as a world of humiliation and rejection, I doubt I'll put myself out there online again.

I think the scariest thing though is trusting the face one puts on in public when sometimes there is a completely different side hiding offline. Like Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. Unfortunately I think in most cases it comes down to trying to spend as much time in person in order to see the full truth that is there that no one else sees. Apprently its really easy to put on a good act for the public eye. I think its always a risk. Especially for those of us who see the good in people and use that to trust they will be sane and healthy too easily. And some of us have to learn the hard way, even in offline dating.

I think what was meant was that sometimes the status of dating - just to feel things out & see how it goes with time - is looked down upon because some people want to skip into the full on relationship expecting everything to be etched in stone from the start. That is unrealistic, in my opinion, and I feel anyone in their right mind would want the chance to let time reveal if its something they really want. Just dating at first can provide that opportunity. And sometimes even after we think we are have it figured out, we can still realize we made a mistake and choose to either stay or move on. Regardless of anything, only time tells. Words arent everything, time and the various situations life presents are.

PD
 

I no longer date online, period. Discovered that many PD (Personality Disordered) folks basically make online dating, etc their "hunting grounds". As a consequence of my experience with a femme narcissist I dove deeply into my healing from it. And began researching people with personality disorders for several years and now work with people who have also survived these abusive and dangerous people/relationships.

Online dating? No way.

Greco

Yeah online dating has definitely bitten me in the ass too, but I keep the faith.

Speaking of trails, some of us do have a very long history in the online BF community and I really think it would be difficult for some of us old timers to be fine upstanding online community members and then be monsters offline. I guess anything's possible.

I've been on this and the previous butch femme site for over 15 years now and dated/lived with several femmes and been to reunions and lived in the same city as a number of different community members, have several thousand posts people can read, etc. so I think it would be really difficult for me to hide some monster side of myself or have some strange mental illness that I somehow cleverly disguise. And many other members have long histories too. However, meeting people online is definitely not everyone's cup of tea. I'm not available for dating anyway, but anyone can check my history anytime.

So yeah, follow the patterns - the overall patterns - of someone.

You make a valid, if not startling, point. :blink:

IF someone did have a PD ... or frankly ... was just an unpleasant person... and found themselves unsuccessful in real life, (friends, lovers and such) ... the internet is a place where they can learn/practice masking their issues. Or masking them sufficiently to have some kind of social life.

This is not to suggest that a good number of people who socialize online have issues! It simply means that the the internet gives them a better cover and makes it much more difficult for others to get the best "read" on them.

Questions...

What part has missing... or, let's be honest ignoring... red flags played in anyone's online dating?

Dating is often the first step we take when we're attracted to someone and want to learn and experience more of them. But... we enter a very tricky place with someone once we "officially" start dating and/or call us getting together a date. Does the getting to know someone require a "date?" Why not get to know someone and then say, if only to yourself... I want to date this person!

There are definitely plenty of these types. How many more times is Jake Tulane going to come back under a different screen name?

They usually don't have much real life contact with anyone. Although it also true that there are plenty of honest members who haven't either.

True and very likely for most people online. However, we can't leave out or discount that no matter how well (accurately) we present ourselves online we are still subject to another person's perception.

And... even if we present ourselves accurately and are perceived accurately that does not equate to a successful / compatible long-term relationship.

I couldn't have said it better myself. And some people do have interesting perceptions to say the least. When someone has some strange opinion of me that no one else has I consider it an outlier - to put it politely.

I won't do online dating anymore at all, these days I prefer face to face, etc.

If I have met someone from online and we meet face to face, etc maybe but if its strictly linked to a forum, etc then no.

Even with skype and all, I still don't trust people much these days.

I want to clarify that when I post of online dating, I am talking specific dating sites such as Match.Com; not forum sites or other online sites, where making casual friends or acquaintances may be the goal, rather than meeting a potential partner.

When I specifically date from an online dating site and state that I only date locally, all of my dates were first at a local Starbucks or Peets for coffee (and even meeting for coffee is a casual date).

After that, one or both of us would decide if we wanted to meet again or just agree there was no chemistry to pursue something.

Online "dating" can mean different things to different people.

I think one leads to the other.

Having been in this boat, if a couple is at that point, the one who is more flexible in terms of employment/lifestyle/etc usually is the one to move or else both will move to a neutral location together.

Most of the time, this decision isn't made lightly and there's a lot of conversation and thought put into it. It's not like someone is saying "I love you" and "I want to live with you" after only two days/dates/visits. Sure, there are some folks who click right away or others who fall into the sucker category (been there....don't recommend it!) who will move faster than others but most folks take their time with this momentous of a decision. It's going to affect the direction of their lives going forward and change everything.

First, there's a bad apple in every barrel and also, there are people with some serious psychological issues sitting right next to you at work right now and you've not a clue. That's the nature of these conditions. The people who have them are experts at hiding the things that would stick out to the rest of the population.

Both of your dating versions could work. Each couple's relationship is individual and unique. As long as people are happy and healthy and treat one another well, I say do the damn thing.

wait a minute:blink:what exactly is online dating now?? When the net was much younger we were much like an extended family and people (online) seemed to truly care-femmes who were traveling to meet lovers could depend on the butch brotherhood to help with glitches, problems etc-femmes were saved in sticky circumstances...it's not like that now...maybe it's a little meaner (so to speak) and way more impersonal...it's a shame really-

kittygrrl, I guess it all depends on how well connected people are. I think it still exists in some circumstances. I know several years ago when I was going to meet a femme for the first time and she was traveling to see me in my home town, a femme invited us to dinner and also let my girl know that I would be good to her but if she ever needed anything to just let her know especially since she was traveling so far from home. I thought it was a very nice gesture. It is nice to feel you are part of a wider social circle and family so to speak.

I'm all for dating sites (and even forums)! I think those are fine for better locating likeminded individuals... who are local. ;)

Could work out ... certainly! Anything IS possible. :)

Work out equally as often as relationships started in real life / face to face ... nope.