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LBD
We all know what it is... the dreaded Lesbian Bed Death!
So, does anyone have input on how to revive the "dead"? I am inquiring because I am a femme lesbian, married to a butch lesbian, who is dealing with the above mentioned dysfunction. I dont know that dysfunction is the proper term for it... but it seems like it fits to me, so please dont blast me for a word. My wife and I have been married for almost 2 years and after the wedding its like she just stopped wanting me. Its a painful subject for me. I just dont get it... literally and figuratively. Im tired of not being in a sexual relationship with my wife. Im annoyed about it as well. We went from having sex daily to nothing for months. Points of fact: there is nothing wrong with her physically - we've been to the doctor to check. She isnt cheating. She claims that her mind wants to but her body doesnt connect with what her mind thinks. All I know is that Im sick of it and something needs to change. Yes, Ive talked to her about it. So, now I'm wondering if anyone on here has suggestions. Thanks, Ericka |
May I ask some questions? Have there been any major changes in your lives lately (new job, move, etc..)? Does your partner suffer from depression? I know you stated that you've been to a doctor to check for physical causes....have you also been to a therapist?
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We havent have any major changes recently... This has been going on since Nov. of 2008. It's always "something" though, ya know? Stress happens!
She does see a thearpist. I told her that I want to go with her this time to talk to this woman about the concerns that I have. She seems open to that. She has a clinical diagnosis and is on medication. It started before the therapy and the medication though. If she had always been a woman with a low sex drive, then I would be more understanding. However, there was a DRASTIC change immediately after we married. We married in Nov '08 and by Jan. '09 we had stopped having sex. We've only had sex three times since Jan. '09. Before our marriage we were sexually active every day. Literally, every day. :confused: So, I am totally confused. Conversations about the subject always end up with me in tears and her angry. On the flip side, she is my best friend. I love her dearly and deeply. We have great fun together the majority of the time. I am not ready to give up on the relationship. I am legally married to this woman and that is not a commitment I take lightly. We went to couples counseling a couple of times but we didnt like the therapist. Once we move to Florida I will find us another couples counselor. And in that one sentence... it basically sums it up. I do every thing. I think its a problem, she doesnt. I am bothered by it, she could care less. I'm just wicked frustrated (not sexually, but emotionally... ya know?) and dont know what to do to fix this! |
Depression is what popped into my head too!
If you've talked to her about it.....what is she willing to do about it? What about watching porn together? Getting into something new together....a new kink or something that she's thought about but hasn't done. There are so many! I will PM you a couple of links. |
I should clarify... I will not give up on my marriage until I know that every avenue has been explored and exhausted. Until that time, I will continue to search for answers and solutions.
:tango: <--- isnt this just too cute? I had to include it. |
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Now we are in the process of getting ready to move and we did not click with the first counselor we went to up here so I will be looking for another one when we are down in Florida. She's a pretty vanilla lesbian, all in all. We've talked about fantasies, etc. and nothiing sticks out to me as things to try that we have not already done. I am open to any suggestions and look forward to the links. Thanks! |
Hi Erika--
You say it started even before she started therapy. Could it be an emotional reaction/block to something big? Marriage is a big step. Some people have a mindset of being married = boring. Does she? When y'all were single, you were going strong, then marriage and nothing? Doesn't make sense. Maybe she should also try another medication. After 2 years she should have had some stabilization, but no libido is an indication that that particular medication isn't working, or has peaked with no change. You can plateau on the effectiveness of your meds especially for depression. There are plenty out there...something to ask your dr. Just my .02 cents. I wish you lots of luck with this situation. Will pray for things to get better for you, too. Shug |
(((((((((hugs)))))))))))) and thanks to each of you that posted here and PM'ed me. I appreciate it more than I can express. Its helpful to know I'm not alone and to have the input of some wonderful, strong women.
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I know someone who went through this. For 5 years her gf didnt have any desire. It seemed as though once they made a comittment and moved in together the gf just "lost" it.. Was severely depressed etc. My friend stuck by her through it all.. Frustrated, always true. But they worked through it and everything seems to be fine. They are back to having sex like they used too again. But it was just a matter of changing her depression meds...
I hear all the time of this. I havent been in a long term relationship where we were together for years on end . So I cant relate to what you are saying personally. But know all about and sympathize with you from hearing about it from my friends. I do wish you best of luck. :) |
good evening,
in reading this I am wondering if she may be feeling a bit pressured? If attempts at intimacy are ending in tears and anger.... ya know? and I mean absolutely no dis-respect, I promise you. It may be something as simple as she just isn't in the mood... things tend to settle sometimes, it just happens. Things change that you never thought would change, or they simply get pushed to the side briefly. You stated that you would not give up on your marriage until all avenues are explored and exhausted, but what would happen if god forbid, the woman you married could never make love to you again due to something unforseen? You take vows with that person, for better or worse... all of the good and the not so good. You can make love to eachother in many diffent ways sweetie, in many delicious levels of intimacy. I hope that your journey is kind to the both of you, and I hope you both find the peace and strength you will need :rose: |
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I need to say this for me personally. I have been depressed. Even in those times, I have NEVER not wanted when I had a partner to make sure they were always satisfied. I am speaking for me personally. I can understand how one can personally not be in the mood to receive. But, Im always in the mood to give... I guess I am weird :)
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Wow...do I EVER feel your pain on this. Without going into details, I will share some of my personal experience. I was in a marriage for 5 plus years, and this was a HUGE issue..HUGE! In the beginning we had sex like mad...amazing, mind blowing, did I say amazing?? sex! Daily. Of course I realize that in the beginning of most relationships this is true for everyone, and fully expected things to slow down a bit with time..just do to life. BUT..after about a year...things came to a dead halt. Part of that I believe was due to him having a hystorectomy. The thing about it was, nothing was ever done about it until just recently, and it didnt work. We split for other reasons as well, but this lack of sex and intimacy contributed to breaking the very foundation (for me personally) We had millions of talks about it..over and over...and always ended with me in tears, and him angry. After 3 plus years of this, I just couldnt take anymore of it. The lack of intimacy, and sex..tore my self esteem down to a really shitty level. It's going to take me a long time to restore that to what it was. Personally, I know that I cannot be in a relationship that does not involve sex and intimacy. For me, having sex with my partner reaffirms our love and commitment to one another...renews us..lets me express without words my adoration. I feel for you ...and my only advice is..after you have exhausted your options...make a choice for YOU..figure out what YOU can live with.
Irish |
I believe that sexual compatibility has got to be near the top of a person's list when they are getting serious about someone. As was mentioned, in the beginning of a relationship you usually are having tons of sex so you cannot use that as your only gauge as to what real compatibility means. You need to have many, many conversations to find out about each other's interests in this area just as you would about the other things they are interested in.
Since you are already in the midst of this problem naturally I would suggest counseling as the first step. It seems like a big red flag that you say "she could care less" and that she doesn't think it's a problem. That is not how a supportive, loving partner should act. As you mentioned you need to find a counselor that "clicks" with both of you and that is so very important. I would start with someone who maybe is in your local gay business directory, or online and hopefully you'll find some that are queer friendly. She may need her own counselor to discuss things that have nothing to do with you, but are affecting you just the same. Good therapy can take time and sometimes the answers are not what we want to see or hear. But you will know if you give it time and listen. I know this might sound a little new agey, but from my perspective therapy can work and/or at least become a catalyst for changes. In the meantime, take care of yourself. I'm not saying go out and cheat but there is no reason why you cannot take care of your own sexual well being and stay positive about sex. Hope things work out for you. |
umm....
maybe i'm getting the wrong message :2butch: my impression in all this is "marriage w/o sex...should i call it off" to my understanding, even heterosexual marriages go through this, plenty of comedians point this out, i think one comic even stated "marriage is the death knell of awesome sex, you're settling down, u got the same person with you for Life" My curiosity is the following, at the moment, we're young, so yeah, sex is..right up there with eating, and breathing {for the most part}, however, if you do manage to be together when you're old, gray and wrinkled...do you honestly think you're gonna want the same sexually active Life after 67? Even vanilla type sex.. Be honest. I know a couple, been together for a very long time, they're straight mind you, she's 84, he's 82, they've been together since high school. He openly tells me he lets her be in charge.Not something I'd ever doubt, cuz I've seen 'em together, he suggests a road to take, she refuses from the passenger seat , she tells him where to go, he goes, oftentimes we get hopelessly lost, but he doesn't say "Peep"{not in front of me, anyways}... My guess is not much action in bed, not even with a Blue pill, but, they have each other, Good times, and Bad...I've seen him look much "older" on days she has been hospitalized for triple bypass check. I've listened to her go on and on when he's sick. We're not immune to these things.. If she doesn't have any "desire", I wouldn't presume to think it's you, or something the two of you are just Not doing 'right'.. Depression can affect sexual desire, but, not always.. I've been Depressed, I mean...very Depressed, not wanting to eat, curled in bed not Budging, clinical=type...I still found ways to let my partner know I loved 'em, and I'm sure she knows u love her, and vice versa... I don't believe love = sex.. Just my opinion.. It's great, it's fun, it's delicious and perfect for a deeper Bond... But it's not really needed to know the person cares. When u get married, unless the vows are altered, I do recall somewhere "for better or worse, sickness & health" Unless u added "as long as the sex is constant and good", I don't see how it should affect the marriage, if she shows somehow she has feelings for you. The therapist idea is good, couples therapy could help in understanding the issue or feeling she might have that is causing the lack of desire, but..that's about it I think... Just my 2cnts... |
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