Recieving or saying hurtful......how do you deal with it
 

First off Im not pointing fingers at anyone.

We all have done it said something in anger that is extremely hurtful to the other person. My questiin is how do you as the person who said the hurtful thing try to make amends or as the person who was on the recieving end deal with it?

I have been on both ends if this problem. When on the recieving end i love being I'm taking it too personally. How could anyine not. If I'm the saying the hurtful things I will say I'm sorry. I know that I cant really take the words back and that they sting.

Let me go ahead and say please dont name names or tell specific things said just how you deal with this kind of situtation

This is something I've worked really hard on, myself, Teddy.

When if I've said something hurtful I know that these are the steps for making amends (for me):

1. I acknowledge that what I said was hurtful, and why it is hurtful.

2. I acknowledge why I did it. "I was (hurt/angry/disappointed/frustrated/etc) and I lashed out at you" and follow that up by reiterating that "regardless of how I feel (above) lashing out and hurting someone you love is not okay."

3. I apologize for hurting the person I care about.

4. I commit to not speaking from a place of (anger/frustration/disappointment/etc) anymore, to taking a deep breath and walking away from an argument if it has wound up to that place, to communicating when things are a problem earlier and with greater skill so it doesn't get to that point again.

Here's the big important part ...

4. Then I do what I committed to do, over and over again.

When I've hurt someone deeply with my words I know that the only way to come back from it is to show them with my actions that I understand I was wrong, that I've learned from the experience and that I am taking action to improve my behavior and my communication skills.

It takes time to earn someone's trust back, sometimes a lot of time.
Time and hard work.
Sometimes it takes longer than you could ever imagine.

I've hurt people I love deeply with my words, in the past; and I've since done a lot of work (on myself) to change patterns of behavior that lead me to fight and wound with words. I'm far from perfect, but I'm pretty good at (not doing) it now. It's taken A LOT of work to become a good and consistent communicator. It's been worth it. I like not feeling ashamed and full of recriminations for things I've said.

Well, when I have said or done something hurtful I do try to sincerely apologize when/if possible, regardless of if I find my behavior hurtful or not, I do try to respect the other persons feelings.

I will also do my best to correct the behavior and not repeat it with that person. If I find that hard to do then I try to explain why that is...

When others have said/done hurtful things, hmm.. that's seems to be more tricky... I most often try to let the person know I found that behavior hurtful but it doesn't always help...

I would appreciate the same reaction as what I do when I have done something wrong. Unfortunately I most often get to hear: "you shouldn't have been offended by this, you are too sensitive, I didn't mean anything bad, it was just a joke" etc.

The thing is, ppl get offended by different things... All legit imo...

How I react to being hurt and what I do when I have hurt someone really depends on the situation. If I hurt the person by using 'tough love' I will apologize for being hurtful and try to let them know it comes from a place of love. If I hurt someone just because I was being a jerk, I will apologize and then show them I am sorry. I believe actions speak louder than words.

The same goes for if someone hurts me. If they hurt me by being truthful with me I try to take time to understand. If someone hurts me for any other reason I distance myself from them and I will limit any contact/conversation until they show me they are sorry. Words don't mean much to me anymore. I need to see to believe. You can tell me you're sorry. You can tell me you care, or even love me, but if I don't see it, it doesn't mean anything.

What Sparkle said.

Sparkle

Thanks for ur input and insight.

I agree that trust is hard to earn back and can take time. Sometimes it can never be earned back

When I hurt someone how I react depends on who the person is. I don’t care to think I’ve hurt anyone really, even a stranger, but when it’s someone I love I will put a lot more effort into making amends and going out of my way so as not to repeat the offense. It doesn’t matter whether or not I think what I said or did was hurtful. My feelings are not really part of the equation. It has not been easy for me to let go of that, I have to admit. When I really meant no offense I want the person to get that and let their hurt go. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. It only adds insult to injury when you try to tell someone they don’t have a right to their feelings. Also, I think inherent in the words “I’m sorry I hurt you” is “and I will try to make sure not to do it again”, at least if you ever expect anyone to take you and your sorries seriously (I know, there is no plural for sorry but I wanted one). Sorry loses its power if you have to keep saying it. I mean after awhile the implication, regardless of your words, is that you are not sorry at all.

When someone hurts me I do try not to take it personally. I have discovered, although it goes against every fiber of my being, that very little in this world is about me. Go figure. Often when someone says or does something hurtful it is not that they are purposefully trying to hurt me, there are usually a ton of extenuating circumstances, triggers, anxiety, stress, sideways anger, passive aggressive behaviors, etc., if I will just take the time to figure out what might be going on everyone wins. Even when they are purposely trying to hurt me, it is rarely just about me. I doubt I would choose friends who would hurt me without reason and I would not marry someone who goes around indiscriminately hurting me, so I need to remember that and take a look at the big picture. Also I have learned that getting pissed off doesn’t convey what I’m really feeling. Anger used to be the only emotion I could express, for me it was the all purpose emotion, but now I know that when someone hurts me, especially someone I love, it’s not anger that I feel. It’s hurt. I’m hurt. My little feelings are broken. And I make sure I tell them that. I don’t want a pound of flesh, nor do I need to hurt them back, I just want to be clear that they hurt me. I want them to be aware of that. I get that it happens, especially in intimate relationships. It’s hard to avoid hurting or being hurt. We are all so sensitive. We are more attuned to our own feelings, not so in touch with the feelings of others. I try to remember I’m just human and so is the other.

Last night I found out soemthing the upset me bad.A fue months ago I bought a new pool case that cost me in the excess of a couple of hundred bucksm when I bought it I still had the case I was useing so the proshop at my home base pool hall ask why I didn't just leave it there a while to see of it sells to cover some of the cost of the new case so I did that.Now I have inquired a fue times about it but ot was still where I left it.So I had desided as I wsa going to Vegas for the pool tournament I would use the other case cause if it got knocked around I would like it but not worry about it either caues it has a hard shell case.When I went after it the guy at the shop said he had given it away to someone who wanted a case but just couldnt afford it.It pissed me greatly,I didnt say a thing for a while as he was telling me this.I grited my teeth,my eye twitched,I swallows a couple of times.He said he thought he told me about it before but gess he forgot.Yes we are working something out cause I want my sticks retiped plus I need a couple of things incase I need them in Vegas.He knows I am not in the least happy with this situation,yes we are working it out,but u can bet he will never see another dime of my money for anything,there are other places I can go to.I know all the therapy and life stratigies I have had are doing some good..he still lives.

Here is my rule on it. I don't try to reason with an irrational person. I see they are angry , so I give them a little more forgiveness than normal. I don't pay attention to their "immature" venting style. I filter through it let it roll off me and get to the heart of the issue, try to address what is really upsetting them. I am very thick skinned most things like this don't effect me much. I don't engage in name calling and I avoid using the words always and never. A few things that work for me are, when your loved one is ranting at you , don't get defensive it's not you against her, it's not about who is right and who is wrong, what matters is the person you love is upset . Listen to what she is really saying to you.
Then remind her and yourself that you are on her side, you are on the same side, you are on the same team. There is no need to get so upset if you communicate properly all along.
If you are taking digs at each other you are not being honest about things with each other and you are not communicating very well about how you feel , what you want and expect. It always boils down to honesty, if you can't be honest with yourself and them about all things, problems will always escalate. Just my 2 cents worth.

Thank you T-Rex

I was unsure as to where to put it when I started the thread and really thought there may have been one of those topics that was heated.

Thank you for placing it in the right place

Metro mentioned toxic people and or situations that seam to be with them.Three years ago I chose to cut some people out of my life because of them being extreamly toxic to my mental well being,it didnt start out like this it started with the breakup of a couple I had been friends with since college.Before they ever broke up someone new,who I knew and introduced them to,moved into the situation like a leach.I just didn't see that comeing at all,by time the split was done it had destroid two kids who ended up going back to theire dad's to live, wich imop was best cause the rest forgot they were adults and kids were involved.They stasrted calling me up asking for advice...I wouldn't give any,I told them all I didn't wan't anything to do with the whole mess just leave me out of it.I changed my phone number,stoped going to the gay clubs for a while cause they were always going on the nights I could go cause of work.It has been so much better not haveing that sort of crap to deal with.Now if I even think a toxic situation is comeing in my direction, I am gone.I keep the trouble out of my life as much as I can,if any happends that directly effects me or mine I deal with it then forget it,life is so much better that way.

My relationship with my ex husband is hard work because he is extremely rude and ignorant in the way he speaks to me often - but at the same time he has been a good provider and he has been a real man about me coming out. I am really grateful to him for that but I can't stand the way he speaks to me and he wouldn't be so disrespectful to me if I were a man.

He's the father of my child so I have to try and be friends for her sake. If it wasn't for her, even though he has been so good about our divorce and everything I don't think we would see each other any more or be friends. We push each other's buttons too much. If he is rude to me I try to stay calm and not turn it into an argument. I say don't talk to me like that please.

At times I have lost my temper and the way I have spoken to him has been pretty nasty too. When I have calmed down I apologise. Over time we have become a little more mellow with each other but it has taken 10 years.

The older I get the less I tolerate crap. I just walk away now and know that when one relationships door closes another opens. It's hard when there are children though. It hurts them to see anger. The only way I have been able to reach a happy compromise has been to live separate lives from my ex as far as our friendship goes but try to do normal family stuff like holidays and eating together for the sake of our daughter. I wish I could be in a happy relationship for her to see how that works but this isn't flowing right now either.

I remove myself from hurtful people. The trap is to engage with them and I fall into that trap, but not always. My weakness is going numb. That enables me to put up with unbearable things I should walk away from. I'll always struggle with that one, but at least I'm aware of it.

I am a guttural person and, when passionate, I can say things that are extremely hurtful in the heat of the moment. Sometimes, this is consciously deliberate (i.e. to hurt) and, sometimes, less so.

At the time, it usually feels fine - until, in the cold light of the next day (or next week or month), I've comprehended exactly what I've said and how it may have impacted the other person.

I'm getting better at apologising but still not good at it (would rate myself at 2 out of 10 on the "ability to apologise" scale) and I've also realised that, whilst it's possible to apologise, it's not possible to take back what was said.


On the reverse, I've had many hurtful, sometimes very hurtful, things said to me over the years. In my younger years, words impacted me much more. These days, much less so ...... other than a small number of people I deeply love, it would be hard to say something to me that caused me extreme hurt.


Rather, I'd just walk away and keep walking ...... I don't always think it's a good trait but I am very good at shutting people out of my life without a second thought.

I really like what Sparkle wrote! I try to do this as well. I think it is so important to acknowledge what you said was hurtful, if, indeed, you were the one doing the hurting. I am pretty sure it is safe to say we have all been on both ends of this.

I am really coming to the conclusion that everyone says mean things sometimes. It doesn't make them, or me, a bad person. It just makes us all human. That is why we have words to express our sorrow about our human moments.

I also know that sometimes I take things to mean something different then what was intended because I come to each and every interaction with someone with my own history of experiences. And sometimes this history flavours the way I (we) hear things. And you know what? That is valid too! You being hurt by what someone else said, especially if what was said wasn't meant to be hurtful, is just another opportunity for you to heal. Of course, one needs to be aware of this in order for it to be a healthy opportunity to grow. Otherwise it can just be one big hurtful mess.

I will never give up on the idea that people have a boundless capacity to grow.